It's Murder
Chapter 8
BPOV
The arrival of Alice and Jasper and the baby was a relief. I have never hankered after being the center of attention and the focus shifted off Edward and I and onto Alice and especially Tommy.
To the Cullen boys amusement, their parents were clearly convinced that Tom was Jasper's child, and Esme wavered between being thrilled to finding out she and Carlisle had a grandson, and being a little hurt and put out that her own son had never told them of the possibility.
"He must have suspected," Edward and I overheard her complain to her husband. "And why did we never hear about Alice before this? I can't believe Jasper had to choose between this lovely girl and that Maria creature, and he chose Maria. No wonder Alice went so far away and stayed away. I wonder where they met? I can't believe we missed this. Oh, do you think maybe she never told Jasper about the pregnancy because he chose Maria? I can understand that."
"I have no idea. I would say just believe our son when he says that he has just met Alice, except looking at that little boy just takes me right back to when Jasper was that age. They could be twins," Carlisle replied.
Edward took my hand and pulled me outside. He burst out laughing once we were out of earshot and I shook my head.
"You don't find this funny? My parents are sitting there, looking at Jasper's baby photos, convincing themselves he is somehow Tom's biological father. Regardless of the fact Alice and Jasper's paths have never crossed before.
You know Mom really thinks they hooked up and then never saw one another again until recently, and she just doesn't want to admit her 'grandchild' was conceived during a shameful night of lust while those two forgot to exchange names and phone numbers. I swear this is going to go down in the Cullen family history as the miraculous reunion of a father and son who never knew the other existed."
"Maybe it's better this way. James is truly one despicable character. If you ever met him, Edward, you would agree wiping his existence from Alice and Tom's life would be the best thing to happen to them. I know Alice hates the thought of one day having to explain to her son that he was fathered by a douchebag who wanted him wiped from the planet and never given life.
So what if Tom erroneously believes Jasper is his dad. I personally think it would be the best thing to happen."
Edward disagreed.
"Kids deserve to know the truth, however hurtful."
"It's not our decision anyway," I pointed out. "I'm sure nobody will consult us and ask us what we think. I'm going along with whatever Alice decides, just so you know."
"Whatever," Edward laughed. "We are not fighting over something that as you rightly point out, has nothing to do with us. Want to head for the beach? Now the focus has shifted on to Baby Tom, I don't think anyone will notice that we are gone."
La Push looked beautiful but the water was too frigid to lure us into it's depths so we chased one another along the sand and Edward tackled me and brought me down, in his arms; taking my weight so he hit the ground and cushioned my fall.
The level of unthinking care he showed me was chipping away at my insecurities and last few doubts and fears that this could still possibly be transitional. I believed him when he swore he wanted forever, but forever is a very long time.
That voice of sanity in my brain kept cautioning me that things were moving too fast and I admit when I saw the sunlight hit my engagement ring on my finger, it sobered me up abruptly each time. Even though I knew it meant something different and less than most rings of its type, it still freaked me out when I thought about how far we had come in such a short time.
Sometimes all I could think was that we were insane but then listening to Edward recalling bits and pieces of our past three years as best friends lulled me back into trying to combine the total time we had 'been together', before and after we started having sex.
He clearly saw those years as the beginning of our relationship and considered we had been somehow connected all this time but I kept thinking of how he had hooked up constantly once I started 'dating' , and for me, those years did not count.
It didn't make what we had now any less because we were new, but it troubled me that Edward could just forget he'd been in all those beds while he supposedly thought only of me.
I'd never thought of him while 'dating' the succession of men I really had little interest in and had I truly been captivated by my partner, I would have stopped using those men and turned my attention to him.
As far as I was concerned, we had shared three years of friendship and now we had something more.
Edward was convinced the three years counted and gave us permission to rush into something deeper and more meaningful because of points earned over time.
One day none of this would even matter, once we had some real history of being a couple but although he often assured me he didn't intend rushing me, I had my doubts that those words were true.
He wanted everything solidified as soon as he could convince me the time was right and I was sure if I suggested we went to Vegas, he would be thrilled and have us married by an Elvis impersonator before I could blink.
I just needed him to slow down.
I had not been in a serious relationship since Riley and this one was different. With Riley I was so sure that he wanted the same things I had wanted and in the end, I was proved wrong. It had been weird, like I had lived in a bubble and believed I knew him as well as I knew myself and then the bubble burst and a different man stood before me. A man who wanted a future so different to the one we had planned, it truly was like he was suddenly a different person. Like an alien had invaded his body.
It still made no sense.
How could he have been with me for over three years and never expressed any desire to ever have kids, and then suddenly, they were vital?If you assume we just avoided that one subject and never explored how the other felt, you are wrong.
We did discuss it. I have never seen myself as suitable mother material, and was too scared of failing any child I may have to put myself to the test. It's always the child that pays.
Riley agreed. He saw the world as a too overpopulated already. Not that a couple more children could radically alter that significantly. I wouldn't feel guilty for having kids if we both wanted them and were sure we could be adequate parents. Who knows, one of our offspring may have grown up to discover the cure for cancer.
If he'd wanted kids from the start, I doubt I'd have even dated him. He was my easy option.
The last thing he wanted was to sign up for eighteen years, and the rest, of being responsible to his child. He loathed small babies and toddlers and thought kids were too much trouble. With him, I'd never have to decide if I wanted kids because they were not an option in his world. I'd never be tested. I'd never have to look at myself in the mirror one day and know I'd failed my own flesh and blood by not being a good enough parent.
I'd never have the pain of knowing my child couldn't wait to grow up and get far away from me.
Let's face it, any child of Riley's and mine would have a double dose of 'disappearing' genes, inherited from it's grandmother as well and it's father.
No, we had never been besotted with the idea of producing small clones of one another; we were enough. We had enough in common to make a wonderful life together. We had our careers, and a sense of slight competition to outdo one another as we climbed the ladder. Sometimes he was ranked higher than I was; sometimes I was above him. Once I was even his Boss and don't think I didn't take advantage.
Then he suddenly outranked me, and he had his revenge.
I got a new title. Bella Swan, sex slave.
He introduced me to handcuffs outside of the work environment, and played out every fantasy he had ever had, even those he would never have dared to mention out loud earlier. He loved having the upperhand, and in a way, I loved that I had to comply and obey his commands. For a short time, anyway. I dare say in time I would have rebelled and given him a good slapping with his little riding crop that brought him so much amusement when he flicked it over my body.
I just don't get how we got to that level of intimacy and connection, then what, he changed? He wanted to morph into some clean cut nine to five office worker who came home to his barefoot and pregnant wifey who had fresh lipstick on her lips and a roast in the oven?
He wanted to become a pen pusher and he wanted me to become an incubator and push out a succession of small Rileys, never knowing if we would have what it took to raise them right? Or even if he'd stick around and last the distance.
That had never been our plan. He had wanted and I had agreed, to an extraordinary life. Travel, adventure, trips all over the world every holiday break, enjoying new cultures and seeing how the rest of the World lived. Watching other people have children, and enjoying their company without ever having the responsibility to have to raise them ourselves. Being an observer rather than a participator.
And Riley only ever liked the best of everything. Without the expense of children, he could afford to indulge himself.
He wanted a great apartment, and matching convertibles, and when I first saw the loft apartment, I admit it started me wanting one just like it. We were willing to work to get it. What else was there to spend our money on?
Riley insisted on contributing to my savings account and assured me every cent was there for me to spend however I chose. No matter what the future held, that was my nest egg. It had allowed me to buy my apartment.
But I would never have chosen bricks and mortar over being his wife.
It was so out of character for him to suddenly change and do a complete turn around.
I honestly thought it would be a three day wonder, and he'd just as suddenly decide it had just been a passing fancy. A moment of madness. He'd never liked children, not even his brothers boys and he'd refused to come home to Forks with me to meet Jake's twins.
"You are on your own with this one, Bella. Go play Godmother for a week and I'll go to a resort with a really good spa. I feel the need to be pampered, not drooled on by some demanding little brats. Isn't it enough I tolerate my nephews when they are here?"
How could that same man suddenly want to reproduce? How could I trust this to be a permanent desire, and not just a whim? I was sure he'd wake up in a week and have forgotten all about it. Probably be horrified at his 'breakdown' and just want to get back to normal and forget it had ever happened.
Maybe once enough time had passed to reduce it just to something we could joke about, we'd laugh about that one period in time when Riley wanted us to become The Waltons.
It would be just like the time he donated the winnings he made on a roulette wheel in Vegas to a homeless shelter, then went back a week later asking for his money back because he actually thought homeless people were just too lazy to get jobs, now that he'd given it some thought.
He was often erratic and unpredictable. He went off on flights of fancy, wanting to emigrate one week and being completely embarrassed about it the next week when he decided he really didn't like any other countries, and certainly didn't want to try living anywhere else.
Sometimes he thought it was unfair to have more money than most average couples, and he would fret and research the best charities to support, but when it came to the crunch, he'd come home with a new car instead, because charity began at home and he worked hard for his money.
He'd never ever hankered after a family before. He even pitied people he knew 'tied down and bled dry by their ungrateful brats'.
No,we wanted a different life so what went so drastically wrong that he couldn't even say Goodbye?
With Edward, we do want most of the same things; but we want them at different paces. He wants everything now, and I need time. I need to trust that he won't suddenly change and decide life with me alone is not enough.
The biggest sore point between us is his insistence it is Riley that was keeping me from throwing myself into this at the same speed he wants to move us along. It's more than that. Maybe I had loved Riley once, but not now. How could anyone love someone who did what he had done?
I had not even been worthy of one single explanation, one phone call. Not even a text.
I'd known everything would change from the day he accepted the attachment to UC work, but still I deluded myself that he and I would work out a way to remain in a relationship of some sort, and instead, he cut all ties and never so much as kissed me goodbye.
If he knocked on my door the day we got back to the city, I'd slam it in his face.
We were done, as he had made sure would happen, but he had done it in such a cowardly way, I could not help but still have resentment festering inside somewhere, in a place I rarely visited until Edward brought him up and wanted to 'talk it out' as he put it.
Finally I had pointed out anything I had to say to Riley could not be resolved by my talking to Edward about it; he was not part of that time in my life. We had only really met when Riley and I were in what proved to be, the very final days of us, and Edward had merely been the hot new guy at work.
I know he wishes we had taken one look at one another and fallen madly in love, and nobody, even Riley, had mattered any more, but that was not the way things had gone down, and his romanticising about how he 'knew' from the start we would someday be something special cut no ice with me.
I'd seen him take any number of girls out of bars for two years; was that fact somehow now longer true?
I had no idea if love at first sight could happen but I was quite sure it had not happened with us. It had taken three years of friendship to force me to even wonder if we had something better around the corner. I am perfectly happy we do, and I treasure every day we have been together, but this is new, and is in it's infancy and he needs to acknowledge that and slow down.
A familiar figure appeared in the distance and I grinned as I watched Jacob walking towards the surf with his board under his arm and two little figures running along behind him, like baby ducklings.
"Hey, there's Rachel and Rebecca, come and meet them," I urged Edward, pulling on his hand so we could get to them faster. As we approached, Jake found out his twins were behind him and he was telling them they needed to go back to the house because he was going to go surfing and he would not be able to look after them.
"We'll watch them," I called, running up and scooping Rebecca into my arms. She squealed and grabbed my hair and I introduced her to Edward.
"This is my number one God daughter, Rebecca Isabella Black. Bec, this is my boyfriend, Edward. Go to him so I can catch Rachel."
I handed her over and Edward took her from my arms, and held her as securely and naturally as if he held little girls every day of his life.
"Hey Rache," I exclaimed, grabbing her and lifting her up before she could escape.
"Edward, this is Rachel Marie Black, God Daughter number two by seven minutes."
"Aunty Bella, Daddy is supposed to be watching us while Mommy takes Grandpa Billy to the doctor and he forgot," she dobbed gleefully, as only a little girl could.
"Oh bad Daddy," I laughed.
Jake sighed and inched towards the water.
"Thanks Bells. I assumed Leah was in charge of them until she actually left , and that won't happen for another hour, remember Rachel? I'm not a bad Daddy, I just wanted to catch some waves before I spend time playing dollies and tea parties with you girls. Be good for Bella."
"This is Edward by the way," I replied and the two men shook hands, before Jake headed into the surf.
"Put me on your back and we can race Edward and Bec," Rachel suggested so I swung her around like the monkey she is and Edward raised an eyebrow at Rebecca and she urged him to do the same.
I love spending time with these girls and the moment they were born, any faint lingering doubts that everything had worked out for the best had disappeared.
I would not have turned back time and prevented their conception even if I could.
I had been hurt by Jacob's deception, for that was what it was, but I can't say I cried much over the outcome. These girls may be the closest I ever come to having kids of my own and I adored them from the top of their precious little heads to the bottom of their little feet.
I'd witnessed their births, and been the first person who was not a parent of theirs, to hold each of their tiny newborn bodies.
I'd returned home more often than I normally would, just because I needed to catch up and see them again as they changed from babies to toddlers to real little girls.
Did I wish they were mine?
Never.
They were too precious, too perfect, to be an experiment to test and see if I could be a good parent. They deserved better. Parents had to be strong, and confident and self sacrificing.
I'd seen how hard it had been for Leah and Jake when the twins were tiny and cried seemingly non-stop, and I watched my friends turn into zombies who barely functioned.
Why would anyone voluntarily go through that I wondered. It must be something about them being your own flesh and blood, because Alice and never wanted babies either, before Tommy arrived. She'd been as surprised as I was when he became the best thing she had ever achieved, and now she had no regrets at all about having him.
I'm sure if she could turn the clock back, the only thing she would change would be his paternity.
I'm sure these twins brought endless delight to their parents, but I suspect both Jake and Leah would delay their conceptions if they could turn back time.
Parenthood seemed a very full on task to me, and look at Jake even now, trying to get away from his daughters for an hour because he knows his afternoon will be spent amusing them.
To me, if you want a kid, then you make that kid your priority and what you want no longer counts. They had never asked to be born. You owe them eighteen years of hard graft making their lives the best they can be, and then, when they leave home, you can do all the things you missed out on while you were being a good parent.
Everyone tells you kids grow up in the blink of an eye, so why wasn't Jake just treasuring every single moment? His turn would happen one day.
"And we won!" yelled Edward, swinging Bec down from his shoulders and they both proceeded to kick foam at Rachel and I, the losers.
"We beat you slowpokes," Bec shouted, grabbing Edward's hand and smiling up at him. And another heart was lost to Edward Cullen.
Honestly, I'd love to one day meet a female of any age who could meet him and not be even slightly bedazzled. Sometimes it seemed like every female on Earth was either in awe of him, or hadn't met him yet but would be.
Everywhere we went, women stopped in the street and forgot what they were doing as he grinned his sexy as grin at them in amusement, and some had very annoyed husbands and boyfriends at their sides, momentarily forgotten as the Edward Effect occurred.
He'd never picked up any woman he knew had a partner, admittedly, but he could have.
"Can we go down to where the shells are and get some new ones?" Rachel asked, skipping over to take my boyfriend's spare hand.
"I'd love to see where the shells get washed up," Edward replied and I trailed along behind and collected the buckets and spades from where the twins had dropped them earlier.
I watched him with the girls as they dug through the broken pieces to find any intact shells for their collections and marvelled how he just adapted and became their new best friend.
As far as I knew, he had little contact with children in his life but he was a natural.
He didn't hover or fuss, just treated them like small human beings and responded to their endless chatter and questions with no sign of impatience.
"Are you going to marry Aunty Bella?" Bec asked, making me blush.
"I sure am," Edward replied confidently, sparing me a smile as he sifted sand with his fingers and handed over new discoveries.
"When? Can we be flower girls?" Rachel asked.
"That would be up to your Aunty Bella," Edward replied.
I felt like I was being cornered here.
"Can we, Aunty Bella?" Bec pleaded.
"If you aren't too grown up and old by then," I promised. "We are not getting married for a while so we will talk about it when it's nearer to the time."
"But we have new dresses now," Rachel said crossly. "Mommy says they are way too frilly for normal wear and Daddy should not have bought them until we had a special 'cassion to wear them. They are really pretty, Aunty Bella, they have long ballerina skirts and flowers on the tops and everything."
"Wow, Aunty Bella, they do sound perfect for flower girl dresses," Edward added.
"I believe I can buy these girls suitable new dresses when the time comes," I laughed. There was no way we were getting married before we were ready just so the twins could wear the dresses Jake should not have bought without consulting Leah first. He had always been impulsive and never thought things through properly. Like having babies long before he and Leah had been ready.
That would never happen to me. No thank you. I would never have a child unless I knew I was ready for it to become the main focus of my life and get all the love and devotion it deserved.
I rubbed my arm where my favourite contraceptive device sat and thanked God Renee had the sense to get me made safe before anything had happened to leave me in this same situation.
God, what if Jake had knocked us both up, at the same time? What a mess my life could have been. There'd be a third black haired child here on the beach today, and no Edward Cullen wanting to marry me, no doubt.
Edward washed the new shells clean in seawater and stacked them carefully in Bec's bucket, commenting on the myriad of colours and different shapes. I could see Edward was in his element playing with these little girls and he couldn't understand why I didn't want this for us too, now, but he had to accept I was not there yet.
He was thirty and had gone through an epiphany of sorts and seen the light. Like an alcoholic who loses the taste for what once satisfied him, or a smoker who quit, suddenly his old way of life had become something to despise and he wanted to rush into a new beginning and convert everyone else as well.
Maybe if I was thirty and not twenty five, I'd be rushing these girls home to check out their dresses and make sure they were flower girl worthy, and rushing right along with him, but I wasn't.
One day, sure. But I was pretty happy with my life anyway and now having a real boyfriend just was the icing on the cake. I was happy with cake.
I didn't need that cake to be three tiers high and iced in smooth, white, wedding cake fondant. One day I would, but not yet.
Jacob collected his daughters and invited us to join them for dinner one day soon, and to Edward's delight, two pairs of little arms circled his neck as the twins claimed a cheek each and kissed him goodbye. I wished so much I could clap my hands and adore the idea of having children soon as much as he did. I was pages behind him.
We went back to the car and returned home to the Cullen's house.
Alice and Jasper were trying to converse with Esme and Carlisle, but Tom was having a hard time settling down so naturally Edward, the Baby Whisperer, took him and walked around the yard, singing soothingly to him and rocking him to sleep.
"He's just unsettled to be in another strange house, with so many new faces," Alice said as I sat down and accepted a cup of welcome hot sweet tea from Esme.
"I can't believe how amazing Edward is with the baby," Esme said in awe of her son. "I'm sure he will be an amazing father himself one day. I just hope one of his kids inherits his green eyes and copper hair," she said with a smile.
I sipped my tea and tried to imagine Edward's children.
Sure, if he had kids they would be beautiful, but it would be a very long time before I trusted myself enough to agree that I was ready. The whole process just seemed scary.
I'd been there for all of Alice's pregnancy.
I'd seen her pale and miserable with the morning sickness, and heartburn, and unable to get comfortable enough to sleep, it sure had not made me want to rush out and shag some guy to steal his sperm and join her.
Then I'd held her hand as she screamed through the birthing process that left me shocked and confused. She'd had a worse time than Leah, yet just produced the one infant.
Why on Earth was it necessary for childbirth to hurt so much? It was supposedly a natural occurrence yet most women seemed to be in unbearable agony, from what I saw. And why did God give us the ability to make epidurals and all those other drugs if so many women were determined to suffer through without them?
Alice had squeezed my hand so tightly during her contractions, I'd almost asked for a shot of pain killer for myself.
Then she'd somehow survived the squeezing out of the baby and despite being at a low point and needing to recover herself, she had this demanding infant to learn to feed and keep alive on top of everything else. It seemed so hard.
And she had needed to be stitched up. There.
"You have a tear, we are going to have to repair that," the OB had announced as he handed the baby over.
At that point, witnessing childbirth had not made me feel sick but I'd needed to run from the room and miss that particular agony.
Alice had told me they'd drugged her up and she hadn't felt a thing but I'd been unable to face food for days afters, as I kept imagining some place as tender and delicate as there being stabbed and stitched...
To this day it made my heart panic and my stomach turn.
As much as my friend had been determined to keep her baby and have it, she had not glowed or fallen instantly in love when Tom was handed to her in the Delivery Suite. She'd just looked wiped out and in shock.
How many times had Alice moaned at the subtle changes in her body? How many times had she whined about stretch marks and saggy skin, even though I really could not detect this 'disintegration' of her figure myself and clearly Jasper had not be horrified of the sight she presented naked.
He had not run for the hills screaming, so he must find her still acceptable.
And now she had even had sex again, post the sewing up of her privates.
Why did people have kids again?
Even Esme, the very definition of Earth Mothers, wished her boys had turned out 'better'.
She would change things about them if she could, and for what? Edward had prickled up and accused her of interfering when all she wanted was for him to grow up and stop being a manwhore.
And Emmett was going to turn every hair on her head grey before he changed his ways.
Eighteen years?
Actually, once you gave birth the truth was you became a parent forever.
There was no day when it was no longer the focus of your life.
What was better? Expend a lot of energy fussing around trying to make your adult children live a decent life like you wanted them to , or pretend they didn't exist except when they visited and escaped back home as soon as humanly possible?
Would I be any happier being an 'Esme' rather than a 'Renee'? Her boys had the ability to make her so happy or to make her weep with frustration. Mom had avoided that by leaving, and only being a mother in name only for most of each year. She got to be the parent who fussed and spoiled me in access visits, and never had to do the hard slog like Charlie had. She'd never really gotten to know me at all.
I slipped outside and watched Edward as he lay on a recliner beside the pool with Tom curled up against his chest and wondered how long it would be until I caught up to where he was at.
We had a lot of issues to work through before we did anything permanent, and that was simply the truth.
I could no longer imagine my life without him in it, but things needed to change and evolve...I needed to change and become the woman he wanted me to be.
If I couldn't, and if he couldn't accept what I offered, one of us would have to walk away and that was the last thing I wanted to happen. Been there, done that.
He saw me and called me over to join them , and I lay snuggled at his side as his arm surrounded my shoulders, and hoped to God one day soon I would have an epiphany of my own and be as keen to give him the child he craved as he was to become a father.
X~x~X
EPOV
One week had turned into two and now three. It seemed the weather had affected everyone, including those residents of Boston with murder on their mind, and there were still no dead bodies in our patch.
Marcus had called each Friday and encouraged us to stay in Forks with our families, to take advantage of what was quite a rare long run of no fatalities brought about deliberately. The other squads were busy as usual, so in this instance we were lucky to be on Murder Squad.
Forgeries and insider trading and embezzlements still flourished, but if anyone was killing anyone else, nobody knew about it yet. We rarely got a break, so we took his advice.
Bella was at Charlie's spending some father/daughter bonding time seeing Sue had other things to attend to on the Res.
I hadn't insisted on going with Bella, in case she felt I was smothering her because we rarely left one another's side.
She seemed to be happy; I hoped she was happy.
We had managed to have the odd day and night where we didn't give in and make love; but they were definitely rarer than the days and nights we did. We couldn't help it, the urge and need to be as connected and close as humanly possible was always there to some degree.
As I suspected before we first touched, we could never get enough of one another, and she was always on my mind even when she wasn't at my side.
We slept at Charlie's some nights but more often here. Bella felt more able to relax without her father sleeping in the next room, so I agreed immediately whenever she decided she wanted us to stay with my family.
With all of us but Emmett partnered, nobody spared a thought about what the others were doing because we were all too busy doing that same thing ourselves. As was my older brother, only he was doing it in various bedrooms in the town with whoever offered.
I admit I wanted to convince him to convert to this way of life that I now embraced. There was no comparison between crawling into bed with some stranger and laying in the arms of the woman you loved and adored.
Sex became meaningful, and every encounter was another chance to show her how much I loved her. I loved it when she clenched, but in truth, even if she hadn't , it would have been enough.
She fascinated me constantly, and the only stumbling block I had encountered, strangely came about when she was asleep.
I took advantage of Bella's absence to play with Tom and maybe ask Alice about the niggling worry I had.
The sun was shining and she was outside in the backyard, without Jasper for a change.
Alice appeared to be just amusing Tom, as she dug in the sand pit we'd made for him, but I could tell she was wanting to talk to me, as well.
I waited, letting her begin the conversation, piling up sand and patting it firmly to make castles that Tom then enjoyed knocking down.
"Edward, we are friends, right?"
"Sure," I replied.
"I know I'm probably the least qualified person to say this but you need to slow down."
"In what way?" I asked.
"Bella is feeling overwhelmed and when that happens, she runs or closes down. I don't want to see either of those happen."
"Alice, if you are talking about the engagement ring, it's not how you think it is. We talked about it, and decided it didn't have to mean we were committing ourselves to anything by her accepting it. I just needed my family to know I am serious about her. They've been sitting back waiting for three years and in that time, I've just messed about with randoms. They would never believe I've changed if I hadn't made a grand gesture. Bella knows it means something different to them than it does to us."
"So, what does it mean to you?" she asked.
"It just means we hope we have a future together, and we will both explore that possibility, while remaining monogamous."
"But that's just having a relationship. People do that everyday and they don't put a ring on it. The ring is supposed to signify you have already done the waiting and mind searching, and come to a conclusion. Clearly you two haven't. I don't understand."
"I want to look at Bella and see that symbol on her finger and know I put it there, even though we will not be announcing anything at work. I imagine the others will assume she has been dating someone for a while and he's now made his intentions clear.
That way we can both work together, in fact, it will remove the suspicions they harbour that we are more together than we admit. I'm doing this to give Bella space and time."
"And you couldn't have just sat back and waited?"
I shrugged.
"How well did you know Riley?" I asked her.
"Pretty well. Bella and I were close friends always, so I was often at their place," she said warily. "You do know they lived together for nearly three years? Bella only moved into the little apartment alone after Riley decided they needed to test the strength of their relationship, and he didn't think they could do so living together."
"I do know he was her lover," I assured her. "But he was more than that, wasn't he? When I transferred in, I could see how happy he made her."
"Before he walked away without a single goodbye and nearly killed her, you mean," Alice replied.
"Alice, I was there with a front row seat for that. I was with Bella in her apartment, the night before he caught his plane out. We both got a little drunk together and I stayed the night to make sure she got through it."
"You slept with her?" Alice said in surprise.
"No, I slept on top of her bed and held her while she slept in her covers," I replied. "She cried a lot that night and kept calling out his name. It was pretty grim."
"Well, she did love him and she thought he was going to do a 'grand gesture' of his own before going undercover."
"Does Bella still talk about him to you?" I asked.
"Rarely. Why? I thought you two were trying to progress and be the real thing, so why does Riley matter?"
"She hasn't let go of him. Sure, she started dating useless idiots as a way to cope with his abandonment of her, but I am sure he is still holding her back and coming between us. It's hard to explain. I always knew there would be something between Bella and I, and it happened slowly. Then one day I just knew.
She is in denial and says she never saw it coming, but how could she not? She's the female; they always know first. I'm the oblivious male who changed from blondes to brunettes because my ideal morphed from 'Barbie' to a beautiful little brunette who changed me. I didn't know why, at the time. Blondes were suddenly boring and I didn't feel attracted to them, but any brown eyed girl with hair like Bella's...see, oblivious male. It took a smack in the face epiphany to wake me up and make me see I wanted her and only her. She agreed to be my sex partner but I only asked her to be that in the hope it would change how she saw me. And it did. She loves me now, Alice."
"Then why don't you just relax and let this happen at it's own pace?"
I stood up and paced a few steps to the right, then back. My whole body felt wired.
"I think Riley is going to come back soon."
"So? Bella would never give him a second chance. He hurt her so badly. "
"Exactly. He had the power to crush her and change her from a girl who only dated men she liked, and wanted real relationships with, to one who was busy dating guys who were the opposite to what she liked. She made very sure she was not mixing with anyone she might spark with, and want more from. In her own way, she used those men just like I used the women.
Maybe she dressed it up prettier than I did, but I could have told every single one of them they were wasting their time. How does that make it different to what I did?"
"But that doesn't translate to her still having feelings for Riley."
"Why didn't she choose men she liked? Was it because she feared trying and failing again or was it because she is still waiting for him to return? I know she is nowhere near ready to get engaged to me, but I needed some way to get her to agree to monogamy. When he returns, I want her to pause and think about our agreement and not let him lure her back into his bed. I don't want to lose her, Alice."
"But if she loves you, she won't go with him, she'll choose you."
"If she loves me..." I echoed.
"You aren't sure?" she cried.
"There have been times when I have felt very, very sure, sometimes for days on end, but you probably already know this, Alice...she talks in her sleep."
"Oh. That. I don't think she has any control over what she says when she's asleep."
"Exactly. But does that mean what she says is just meaningless babble or does it mean she's relaxed and the truth can emerge?"
"I can see why you wonder. It was handy for me because I always knew what she had bought me for my birthdays or Christmas. We'd have a sleepover, and I'd cross whatever gift she had admitted in her slumber that she'd bought, off my wishlist."
"So what she said was the truth?"
"Mmm, I guess so. I always acted surprised, but yeah, she always gave me what she had said she would in her sleep."
"But she also talked about Riley?"
"We shared a place before they moved in together and every night I got the updates for how they were progressing. It was like listening to a reality tv show. She still talks about him?"
"Often," I replied.
"Well, that's only to be expected. They were a couple for a long time, and I did think they were pretty well matched at the beginning. They weren't perfect, any more than any two people can be. He was a little controlling at times, and she was too stubborn for her own good."
"Tell me what really happened. No normal, sane guy who is in love with a girl like Bella could just up and go. She's not an idiot; if he was on a vastly different page to her, she would know."
"He did want the same things she did. At first, anyway. They were wrapped up in their little bliss bubble for nearly three years.
Then Riley changed.
To be honest, I saw the split coming, even if Bella didn't. Riley turned thirty and his priorities changed. Before his birthday, he seemed absolutely determined to make sure they got the future he had planned. Her career was as important as his, and he was proud of her, even when she ranked above him. They had decided to buy an apartment as much like Marcus's one as possible. Half the money she had in her account came from Riley but he deposited it in her name. I had no idea how much they had saved up together, all the same. They both earned big bucks, and budgeted.
He was always worried that something might happen to him, and she'd be left without the funds to have the things he wanted her to have. He always said she deserved the best. They had a life plan worked out. Work hard for eleven months of the year and reward themselves with vacations abroad every December. No family Christmases. They would be all the family they needed, themselves. Bella has never really liked other people's children, apart from the twins and Tom."
"He is a great kid," I assured her.
"Then things changed."
"What changed?"
"His sister had a baby. No big deal, one would think, but Riley was a changed man from the moment that child took it's first breath. He helped deliver it. Long story. Layney is a single mom with a long missing baby father. Aren't we all," she chuckled. For Alice, the absence of the donor of half her child's DNA had changed into a positive now.
"Bella was at work, and Riley was in the office, but on standby for his sister. She called and said it was time, so off he went. They were on their way to hospital and got caught out. Car broke down in a snow drift. There was no way the baby was behaving and waiting until they got to a nice sterile Delivery Room to make an appearance. So, instead of professionals with emergency equipment standing by, she pushed herself out into her uncle's waiting hands and stole his heart in an even more permanent way than Bella had.
The rescue truck arrived and took Layney and her baby daughter to the hospital, but it was too late.
Riley had been bewitched.
He had sat there cuddling that baby, slid inside his shirt front to keep it warm with his body heat, for nearly an hour, and he bonded with her in a way that nobody will ever break. I guess it was the first time he had ever been up close and personal to a real baby. All his preconceived ideas about babies were erased.
Before that day, he just saw them as loud, damp nuisances that spoilt your fun and he had forced his opinions onto Bella, over time.
Now in one single hour, everything changed.
He actually loved that the baby needed him so completely to protect her and keep her safe. He felt like a man. He discovered why he was here, on Earth. To be the most important person in the life of somebody he had helped bring into the world.
I know, it sounds ridiculous, seeing he soon went off and left her as well and as far as I know, he hasn't seen his niece in all this time, either, but she changed him. She made him want a child of his own. He wanted to hold another infant, one he created and got to raise.
Bella was blind sided of course. She never saw it coming. Riley left in the morning despising all children and came home that night wanting one of his own, with no explanation. He just expected Bella to instantly comply.
She didn't understand what had happened. She'd spent years trying to be exactly what he wanted and now he'd changed his requirements.
She never saw those moments when he was completely enthralled and vulnerable, and absolutely driven to want a child himself. He wanted to feel those feelings again, forever, for his own daughter. . He morphed into a potential father and Bella had no clue. She arrived and looked at a generic baby wrapped in hospital blankets from behind a glass viewing window. To her, it was not a major life changing event, not like it had been for Riley.
He was disappointed and enraged when she didn't just flick her own switch and morph into wanting what he now wanted her to want.
He never tried to explain to her how his entire world had been changed and now he wanted something more...ordinary. He still wanted Bella, in fact, he would have married her in a heartbeat if she had just instantly agreed to accept a different future to the one they had planned."
"He wanted her to stop working and have kids," I stated.
"Yes. He'd been through an epiphany. It wasn't his niece he loved as much as the idea that he could father a baby just like her, and Bella didn't instantly agree. She'd become so used to the future they'd planned earlier, she needed time to adapt. But he wasn't willing to wait.
He wanted Bella to want what he now wanted, and although he really did love her, Edward, she was thrown at this new concept. Riley decided she would never change, and that he couldn't have both the woman he loved and the life he wanted.
He wasn't willing to give her time to adjust, or to talk about how their life could still be good, just different to how she had been brainwashed into wanting it to be. He was like a spoiled child, expecting her to just change and comply with his new wishes like she always had before. So, he walked.
He convinced himself she was shallow and unnatural, and made it appear that she was rejecting an ordinary, proper, respectful life that every woman should want, in his new opinion, whereas before he had been all about women having careers and not 'wasting their lives' raising kids just because society expected them to, once upon a time. New game, new rules.
I think he went undercover to create a gap; a distance between his life with her, and the new life he plans to embrace when he comes out. Obviously not with the woman he always thought would become his wife, but with someone else who wants a home and a family and a picket fence.
All Bella has ever wanted is her career. She can trust it to remain constant and not suddenly demand she changes. She has no confidence that she could ever be a good mother. It's as if she thinks being a disinterested, neglectful parent is in her genes, and she will definitely be just like Renee if she ever has a child of her own. The way Renee has always been toward her is all she knows about mothers and daughters.
Along came Riley, declaring he never wanted children, so she saw him as her ideal partner. She wanted Riley as her husband, but suddenly he had changed, and she realized she really only wanted the old Riley. If he reverted to what he had been, before his epiphany, she would feel safe again. He had to be happy to settle for the life they'd agreed on and wanted, not the new one beckoning him.
Becoming a mother would test Bella in ways that just scare her. If she ever takes that plunge, it would only be with a man who would willingly guide her and forgive her any mistakes she made along the way. And he needs to be an outstanding parent to make up for her flaws.
She didn't think Riley was that man. He'd changed so completely, without warning. She was afraid he may change back, and want the freedom of a child free life again when it was too late, and she'd become the only parent in charge of a child she wasn't sure she even deserved to have, with nobody to help her.
He'll be back, but not for her. Don't worry about it. Riley will come home one day and meet someone new and settle down, and he will probably ask Bella to be Godmother to his kids. He'll always love her in a way, but she couldn't change to become what he needed. It's just one of those situations where compromise couldn't work, so he did what he needed to do, to get over her, and move on.
If he stayed, one of them would have given in in the end and he wanted her to have the future she craved just as much as he wanted his own choice. He did it for both of them, so they could both be happy and not live with regrets. I was surprised he managed to go through with it at all. I would have put my money on him giving in and forgoing children. It was a new desire, and she ad been what he desired for years. He loved her so much. He never wanted to go without one last night holding her, but had he gone to her apartment, he would have caved.
He knew what he had to do for the both of them, but he would never have managed to stick with his resolve if he was there with her, face to face. He never could stand to see her cry. It tore his heart to shreds when she wasn't happy. But he didn't want to lose himself and become her puppet, letting her make all the decisions. He wanted a child; she didn't. In the end, he wanted a child more than he wanted her, but that does not mean he loved her any less than he always had.
I guess he figured this was the only way he could bear to leave her. Completely. A clean break, but when it came to the crunch, he couldn't face her. She has no idea about this, but he visited me the night he was supposed to be saying goodbye to her."
I stared at her in disbelief.
"Don't look at me like that. There was nothing romantic or sexual involved. He needed someone to talk to, and I know them both better than anyone else. You may not believe this, Edward, but he never wanted to hurt Bella. He was between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes we do things to save ourselves, and that's what Riley did.
He knew he was taking the coward's way out, but if he'd had to tell her face to face, he knew he would have changed his mind and stayed with her, and been stuck in a life he no longer wanted, and be agreeing to forgo the life he really longed for. Or pushing her into a life she wasn't sure she wanted. Sometimes you have to choose, and he made his choice. He wants to be a husband and father, and Bella couldn't guarantee to offer him that option.
He didn't want to spend time trying to talk her around, and he knew the only way to force himself to walk away was to do something this drastic. He hopes that when he comes back, he will be able to be her friend, and that neither of them will still have regrets. He's hoping he let her down enough for her to have moved on. He wants her to be happy, but he also wants to be happy himself. Together, one of them had to miss out on what they wanted.
He's as stubborn as she is. He did love her, Edward, but he wanted a life she couldn't give him. It's been a long time , I'm sure she is completely over him."
"She worries about him and it's obvious she still cares for him," I answered.
"But she worries about me and cares about me too," Alice said.
"And why is that, Alice? Because she loves you."
Alice raised her eyebrows, and thought about it.
"You have a point," she said. "What are you going to do? Can you settle for the life she wants? A wife devoted to her career, and no kids. Don't let her invest too heavily in another dead end, Edward. She won't change, so only keep this relationship going if you want her as she is, and want what she wants."
I stopped pacing. I could accept a child free future, but would she still choose me when he returned?
"What if he's had a change of heart while he's been away? Whatever case he's involved in may have made him think again. I know whenever I see the inhumanity one person inflicts on another, it makes me doubt that the future is one we should be bringing innocent children into. But I've read every generation ever documented felt that way. In World War 1, for instance, people lost so many family members and friends,some were reluctant to go on and have children, knowing they could just be giving birth to future cannon fodder.
We have to have faith that this life is worth the many risks."
"I believe this world is a worthwhile place to take the chance. I hope Jasper and I end up with more kids. There are still far more decent human beings alive, than monsters. But then, I have to tell myself that, because Tom is here. He's not some abstract idea I may or may not act on one day to bring to fruition. I have to hope his future is as bright or brighter than my own. I pray it will be brighter, and I'm doing all I can to make that happen. But I can understand why Bella thinks this world is unworthy of her children. Every time she has placed her complete trust in anyone, they have let her down, badly.
I'm so glad you two found one another. You are the best thing that has ever happened to her and she does know it, Edward. She won't go back to him, even if he arrives home crawling on his bended knees, begging her forgiveness."
"It bothers me even more now, that he left her for her own good. I guess all I can do is try and replace him in her life, and fill in the space he left in her heart.. Use this time to bind her to me as tightly as I can before he comes home. I don't have a timeline so I have no idea how much time I have. He could stay away for another year and that would be excellent because I think I could have us engaged in the true sense by then, but on the other hand, he could be waiting when we go back next week for all I know."
xxxx
I couldn't stop my brain as it wandered, throwing up all the conflicts we had been through already, after this short time. Even the Jasper and Alice thing showed how differently we thought.
She believed people had to make their own choices and what I did to bring them together was manipulative. She pointed out they would have met one day, anyway, without my interference, simply because our lives were becoming more and more entwined. She would have preferred they saw one another across a crowded room at some party we Cullens were having, and been drawn naturally toward one another.
Pushing them together as I had, in the state they were each in, it was possible they were overlooking their differences and only seeing their commonalities.
"Have you considered you may have set them both up for more heartbreak?" she had asked me one day when I was smirking at the two of them kissing and congratulating myself for bringing them together.
Even if they were not one hundred percent perfect, they had to be better for one another than James and Maria had been, so what was the problem? Jasper would not stay with Alice just because I thought they were great together.
He didn't leave Maria because I saw her as the worst choice possible for him, so why would he change now?
But the point was, Bella did not like game playing. What I saw as helping, she saw as interfering. We shared a lot in common but there were differences, as well. As long as they were differences we could live with, it would be okay.
xxxx
Bella arrived back from her Dad's in time for lunch and I took her hand as we sat side by side.
"Should we be organizing an engagement party?" Mom asked. "I didn't expect you two to be here anywhere near this long. Do you think you will still be here next week?"
I stared intently into space and Esme slapped me.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm reading the mind of every male and some of the females in Boston, checking to see if they have plans to kill next week. How would I know, Mom? Marcus could call us back any day now. We have been lucky to have three whole weeks."
"So, maybe we could plan it then change it into some other party if you two have gone," she debated with herself. "Maybe a welcome party for Tom now we finally have gotten to meet him."
Jaz laughed, amused by our parents completely wrong conclusion that Tom was his, but willing to let them dream.
Esme was beyond thrilled. No matter who produced the first actual Cullen grandchild, Tom would always have that spot already.
"I'm not really ready for an engagement party," Bella announced, and Alice raised an eyebrow at me.
"Neither am I, Mom. We promise to tell you when you can do that but maybe for now a party for Tom would be best."
Esme gave me the same look she had given me in the past when she had asked me if I knew I was in love with Bella and I had denied it. She believed the lie the ring announced, and was confused why Bella and I were engaged if we were not ready to openly celebrate the fact.
I wished Marcus would call and get us out of here before things came to a head and Bella threw the ring back at me for misleading everyone in my family.
It was between just the two of us.
I didn't think we owed them any explanations.
X~x~X
My hope materialized overnight and the next day we packed and returned to work. Nothing had happened but we could not be on vacation forever. There was always paperwork.
Marcus' eyes honed in on Bella's left hand and he looked quizzically from her to me.
I held out my own hand, revealing the prop I had decided would divert the truth for a while.
"Yes, team, I got married, and Bella got engaged. You may form an orderly line to congratulate us. I hope you will all get to meet my wife one day soon but she's overseas with her job at the moment."
"You got married?" several disbelieving voices asked.
"It was time," I informed them. "I'm too old now to be wasting my life hooking up. I know you all have doubts that any marriage can last in this job but I'm giving it my best shot. I love my wife and she makes me want something more than I've ever wanted before."
"I have fifty bucks that says you will have forgotten your vows within six months," someone from the back yelled.
"Put me down for a grand that says otherwise," I replied.
All day I copped playful ribbing about my 'marriage' but it had the result I wanted, and once he day ended, the rest of the guys went to the bar without me. I got a few cheeky comments about me being under the thumb and such, but at least now I had a reason not to accompany them, and if I avoided bars, they would come to accept I was no longer hooking up.
Marcus called Bella into his office and she was bursting to discuss what had transpired inside that room.
We got into the carpark and said goodbye and left separately, even though we ended up at the same destination; her apartment.
"So, what did the Boss say?" I asked her as we travelled upstairs in her private elevator.
"He asked me if I wanted a desk job or if my fiance was okay with us two continuing to be partners...I assured him my Prince Charming was cool with us."
"Did he ask you who your Prince is?"
"Nope. I just said he was an old flame relit, and he was happy with that. He did say he was surprised it wasn't you, so we definitely have given some of them the impression we were lovers."
"As we are," I replied.
We'd barely changed anything in the way we acted at work, except I'd been on my phone a few times, talking in a hushed tone to Alice, Esme and even Charlie, who was confused why I was talking to him that way.
A couple of the guys teased me about checking in with my wife, but whatever. I was a man in love and they could see that for themselves. Better they had a wife to attribute that to, even if she was imaginary.
Bella and I prepared dinner together and curled up in her bed soon afterwards, shedding our rings onto the side table as our mouths and bodies met.
Later as I washed my hair in the shower as Bella sat drying hers in the bedroom, I heard her cell ring and she walked out of the room once she answered it.
It could be anyone, but I feared it was the one person I had hoped would stay far away for another year or so yet.
Sure enough, Bella's sleep talking was all about Riley that night, and all I could do was hold her and hope she saw us as committed enough to be worth fighting for if he was back.