Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.
A/N- Thank you for the wonderful support for this story. I'm honored by the response, and hope that you all continue to read, and enjoy, the journey these two will take. I also want to say that this story will concentrate heavily on Jasper/Edward and their relationship. While both families will be regularly included, there won't be many other characters other than cameos.
Oh, and remember I said the chapters would probably be shorter than my usual? Apparently I lied.
I know there were tears last time, so a warning- there *might* be more this chapter. Probably NSFW.
Big thanks to OnTheTurningAway for her beta, and to Sasha for her fantastic insight.
This fic wouldn't be here without Dannie, who is ready to throw in the towel but stays because I threaten her and she loves me.
Now more Jasper pov
"**~~**"
If on a winter's night the road wasn't long and winding…
"**~~**"
"That…that can't be right, he can't be…" I stopped, unable to even say the word. I didn't want to believe it, there must have been a mistake. Doctors make mistakes all the time, but the look on Dr. Cullen's face, the grief in his eyes, the welling tears, told me there was no mistake.
Edward was…
"Can I see him?" I asked Dr. Cullen suddenly, my entire body shaking at the diagnosis.
I need to see him.
"Not yet, son. He's still in recovery, but once he gets into a room maybe you can," Dr. Cullen replied, giving my shoulder a semi-encouraging pat. Then he stood up and rejoined Mrs. Cullen on the couch, the plastic squeaking as he sat down.
My mother ruffled my hair gently. "You okay?" she asked, examining my swelling lip with her clinical nurse's eye, but I knew it wasn't my lip she was asking about.
How could I tell her that I would never be okay again? If Edward wasn't okay, then neither was I. Instead, I nodded and reached for my iPhone, swiping away the drops of water that had apparently fallen on it again. Absently I put the ear buds in as she moved to sit in the chair next to me. Laying her head back, she closed her eyes, tears silently rolling down her cheeks. Alice had moved from her solitude to her parents, seeking their comfort. They embraced her, their able child, tightly, enveloping her into their arms like a cocoon of protection and love.
Everywhere I looked, there were tears of grief, of loss.
My Edward playlist picked up where I had paused it and Paul began to sing about a long and winding road. Letting out a long, shaky breath, I closed my eyes and pictured my Edward.
"Feels so good," he moaned in my ear as my hands gripped his hips tighter. His forehead rested on my shoulder as he straddled me in the front seat of the Volvo, his erratic breaths tickling my neck. "So close, are you close?" he asked desperately. Unable to speak, I nodded and made an embarrassing noise that was somewhere between a grunt and a growl. Chuckling, he wantonly thrust his hips toward me.
"Clothes…got to go…" I mumbled, my fingers fumbling with the button of his jeans. "Need more."
He lifted his head, his eyes scanning the parking lot through the steamed up windows for students and teachers before returning it to my shoulder. "Okay, but just a bit," he relented eagerly as my hand stroked the ridge of cock through his jeans.
Relieved, I frantically unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, opening the flaps wide. Reaching in, I pulled the elastic of his briefs away enough to get my hand in. Putting his forehead back on my shoulder, his shifted his weight so I could touch him easier.
"Fuck," he hissed when I wrapped my fingers around his cock and stroked once. "Oh, God."
I felt his nails dig into the flesh on my shoulders as his hips jerked forward into my grasp and his back arched. He was so erotic, writhing on my lap, his body completely being manipulated by my touch and words. The rapt look in his eyes, their heavy lids covering the lust they held, revealed his ecstasy to me. My other hand remained on his hip, guiding his movements into my hand.
"Yeah, baby, that's it. Fuck my hand, fuck it hard," I whispered, my panting breaths skimming his flushed cheek. His body trembled from the effort of chasing his release, sitting there on the edge just waiting for the push that only I could give him. His cock twitched in my hand, and I darted my tongue out to trace the shell of his ear. "You like it when I talk dirty, don't you, baby?"
Shallow breaths dampened my neck and I felt him nod against my cheek.
"I love your cock, so wet for me, so hard. A few more weeks and you'll be mine in every way, baby. I can't wait until we fuck, you're gonna be so tight. Wanna feel your cum, baby, wanna feel-"
Grunting, his entire body tensed in my lap, his thighs clenched mine with muscles I didn't know he had and a second later, his cock erupted into my hand, releasing his thick cum in steady bursts.
"Mmmm, so fucking hot," I moaned, my own hips thrusting up into his as I sought my own orgasm. The friction of my jeans, and even the painful pressure of my zipper, teased me as I felt my hand tighten around his semi-hard cock. For my sake, he kept thrusting into my hand, providing me with the pressure I needed by rubbing his crotch up and down my erection. I felt his fingers in the curls at the nape of my neck, fisting them, tangling them as he turned his head a bit, his mouth finding the tender skin of my neck.
"You're so beautiful, Jasper," he mumbled softly. My boy might have liked the dirty talk, but for me it was his honest and deep love for me that never failed to bring me the most pleasure. The coil that had been bunched low in my abdomen sprang free and my orgasm ripped through me viciously, every muscle clenching as they greedily absorbed the high they had been craving, my cock exploding in the confines of my jeans. I let loose a loud cry, which Edward quickly muffled with a kiss, his mouth covering mine as he devoured me. We sat there with the scent of our arousals thick and musky in the air as we caught our breath and waited for our hearts to resume their normal rates. Slowly, Edward broke the kiss, putting his forehead to mine.
"Damn," I chuckled as my haze began to clear. "That was better than downing the Lich King on twenty-five man, heroic."
Laughing, he shook his head. "You're such a dork."
"Mmm, but you love me anyway," I reminded him.
"I do," he agreed with a crooked smile.
"I don't suppose you have some extra jeans in here?" I asked hopefully, not really wanting to spend the rest of the day with cum drying on my dick.
"Nope, but I have a pair of shorts."
"Edward, it's December," I replied with a raised brow. He shrugged and with a slight moan, pulled his cock free from my hand. Bringing my hand up to my mouth, I licked what was left of his cum off my fingers and palm.
"Drives me crazy when you do shit like that," he groaned, his eyes gazing at my lips as I traced them with my tongue.
"I know," I said, winking at him.
"We gotta go," he sighed, the first warning bell for the next class ringing faintly in the distance. Leaning back, he stuffed his cock back into his underwear and did his jeans back up. With one last kiss to the tip of my nose, he climbed off me and got out of the car. I heard the back door open and then felt his hand tapping my shoulder. "Here."
I spent the rest of my school day coming up with a reason why I was wearing neon orange running shorts and not the jeans I had started the day dressed in. If heard one more girl whistle at my legs, I was going to shoot Edward.
"Nice shorts," Edward smirked as I walked between the rows of desks in history. Tossing him a glare, I slumped into the chair beside him. Leaning toward me, he lowered his voice. "Wasn't it worth it?"
I couldn't contain the smile, and without looking at him, I nodded. "But from now on we're keeping spare jeans in your car."
His laugh, happy and free, reached my ears and warmed me from the inside out.
My heart clenched at the memory, the vision of a healthy, perfect Edward so fresh, so ingrained, that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't imagine him any other way. I always saw him moving, upright and eager to get going, his energy infectious to anyone around him. Prying one eye open, I dared to glance around the room. Nothing had changed except Mrs. Cullen now held a mug of coffee between her hands while her husband was on his phone, probably with his work. Alice had returned to her seat, her knees drawn up to her chest with her arms around them as she laid her cheek on them, her tiny frame looking even smaller in her worried state. On the table next to her was a stuffed snowman holding a 'happy holidays' sign in his stick hands. Why was that there?
Then I remembered it was New Year's Day.
It was the day after we should have lost our virginity. We should have woken up in each other's warm, loving embrace, perhaps even have a repeat performance from the night before. Instead, Edward was fighting a battle he didn't even know existed yet.
I glance at my phone for the time; a little over twelve hours since I had heard his voice, eighteen since I had seen and touched him.
The door swung open and the surgeon entered again. Although he was still dressed in scrubs, he had taken off the robe, booties, and mask. I debated taking my headphones out to listen to him, but then my heart sank with the possibilities as to why he was there. Had something happened, was it worse than expected? I wasn't sure I could handle it.
Clenching my eyes closed again, I felt my lips moving as I mouthed the words over and over.
He's okay, he's okay, he's okay…
I jumped when I felt a hand on my knee, my eyes opening wide to see my mother looking concerned. I pulled the buds from my ears.
We were alone.
"Where…" I began but faltered quickly, my heart pounding in my chest. Nervously, I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and I could almost feel the sting from the fresh gash.
"They went to see Edward. He's out of recovery and in a room," she supplied to my half asked question.
"He's out?"
Nodding, she covered my hands with hers. "Yes, but he's heavily sedated to help with the pain and keep him still."
"Can I see him?" I felt my voice shake and I wondered if she could hear the tremor that I made no effort to disguise.
"Maybe in a while. Let his family spend some time with him. This is a lot for them to take in."
Suddenly I felt incredibly selfish. I had thought of nothing but Edward and I, and what it all meant for us, completely forgetting his family. Completely forgetting they'd almost lost their only son, that Alice had come close to losing her big brother.
"I'm going to get a coffee or something, do you want anything?"
Looking at her, but not seeing her, I think I shook my head and she nodded in understanding. When the door closed behind her, I buried my face in my hands, my breaths labored and shallow as my chest heaved. As soon as I began to feel the grief, I shook my head, refusing to let it overwhelm me. Pulling my hands away, I took a few deep breaths, gathering what little strength I had before my mother returned. I couldn't let her see me like that, I had to be stronger, I had to act like the best friend and not the boyfriend.
Quickly, I put my headphones back in and hit play. "Real Love" began and I took another calming breath. My real love needed me and I was going to be strong for him. My eyes found a spot on the floor and I focused on it, letting my mind think of nothing but the beat and soothing sounds of the voices singing to me.
I never saw the door open, I never heard her heels on the tile, I never smelled the aroma of the coffee she carried, but somehow she ended up sitting next to me, slowly sipping the steaming liquid. Comforted by her presence, I closed my eyes again and laid my head against the back of the chair.
"…him now," I heard just as I felt the hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me. Forcing my eyes opened, I found Dr. Cullen standing before me, his face swollen from crying, but he made no attempt to hide his damp cheeks.
"Huh?" I heard myself ask under the sound of the music in my ears. I think there were others in the room with us but I wasn't sure.
"You can go see him now," he repeated quietly and then sat down next to me. "But first, let me tell you what to expect." I sat up straighter, my heart clenching in my chest with both fear and anxiousness. "Other than his spinal injury, he doesn't have any other broken bones, but there are bandages on the abrasions he received. There are bruises and cuts on his face, and one of his eyes is quite swollen. There is an IV hooked up, and various other machines monitoring his status, so you might hear beeping. Until he is more stable, he has an oxygen tube in his nose to help him breathe. Don't be surprised if he doesn't look much like himself right now, okay? You can't stay long, just for a few minutes."
I didn't move.
He paused, and tilted his head, eyeing me cautiously. "You don't have to go in; it's okay if you can't."
I have to see him.
"I'm okay," I lied in a whisper.
"Room two-oh-five. Down the hall on the right," he directed me and then gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. When I stood, my legs felt weak. I gave my mother a glance as I reached for the handle on the door and at her nod, I opened and turned right down the hall.
Standing outside his room, I took a deep breath. I could see a curtain, half closed, and I could hear machines beeping and clicking and hissing, all keeping vigil over his vitals. The end of a hospital bed was visible, and I saw the outline of legs under a white flannel blanket.
Edward's legs.
Legs that would no longer support him, no longer run him down the court to do a game winning layup, no longer kick to propel him through the water of his pool.
Frozen in place, I glanced down the hall in both directions, wondering how many others had stood there, facing the same fears I was. Looking back at the end of the bed, I wiped at my eyes, trying to clear the blurriness from them, and took a step into his room. Slowly, I made my way toward him, my eyes staring at the tiled floor until I felt the curtain brush my arm. I forced my gaze up, telling myself to take in every detail; the mechanics of the bed, the table that was sitting next to him, the design on the faded blanket, but I knew it was only a way to delay looking at Edward.
To face what had happened to him.
What I was responsible for.
Machines surrounded him, some standing on their own, others attached to the wall, each one with a purpose of tracking his body, every breath, beat and movement. Monitors recorded his life, their beeps comforting in an odd way. The sterile room was dim, a small light over his bed provided a heavenly glow onto him. Behind his head, the wall was covered with baskets, buttons and tubes, all having some sort of unknown purpose. I bumped into something and looked down at the chair that sat next to his bed, probably where Mrs. Cullen at sat to hold his hand and soothe him.
Skipping his legs that lay still beneath the blanket, I found myself staring at his left hand, unmarred and looking completely normal. Forcing my eyes further, I saw bandages wrapped around his forearm, traveling all the way up under the sleeve of his paisley-printed gown. His chest rose and fell steadily, reassuring me he was indeed alive, his lungs filling with air with each quiet breath. My eyes went to my favorite spot, his neck right above his gown, and I was relieved to see it was unharmed. Sucking in a breath, I forced myself to finally look at his face.
Oh my God.
A sob escaped me and my body suddenly weakened. I grabbed the chair and fell into it.
Dr. Cullen's warning was tame compared to what I saw. His face, still beautiful and perfect, was covered in bruises and small scattered, uncovered cuts. What wasn't bruised was covered by white gauze bandages, one along his forehead and another on his jaw. His right eye was swollen, discolored red and purple. The plush lower lip I loved to nibble was decorated with a nasty gash and his top one looked like he had been punched. His right arm appeared to be absent of bandages, but an IV needle was inserted into the back of his hand and clip of some kind was on his index finger. His bed was slightly inclined, his torso raised a bit higher than his legs.
For all his injuries, his looked peaceful, as if he was sleeping comfortably.
And for the moment, he was. There was no pain, no knowledge of the news he was going to face when he woke up. He had no idea of the turn his life had taken.
Skimming over his battered and broken body, I forced my eyes to the outline of his legs, knowing I had been avoiding them all along.
They seemed…normal.
Long, thick, muscles present even in their still state, I wanted to reach out and poke him to get a reflex reaction from him, make him stir and move and kick. Perhaps if I looked at them long enough, studied them, I would see them move, see some sort of twitch or jerk.
I saw nothing but complete stillness.
Returning my gaze to his left hand, my own itched to grab it, clench it and never let it go.
But I was afraid.
I was afraid to wake him up, of getting caught, and of hurting him.
Glancing behind me, I placed my hand on the edge of the bed, my fingers stretching to brush along the back of his hand. His skin was soft and warm, just like it should have been.
"Edward," I heard my own raspy voice. "Baby, please…." I stopped, having no idea what I wanted.
Please wake up.
Please walk.
Please love me.
All I could think of was please.
Not sure how long I had alone with him, I kept the tips of my fingers pressed against his hand and I bowed my head, the tears falling directly from my eyes to my lap.
"I told you to be safe, baby. You were supposed to be safe," I whispered to him barely stroking the back of his hand. There was no reaction to my words, he remained motionless, his body stagnant in response.
"Jasper?"
I jumped, my fingers retreating from his hand back into my clench fist. She walked up behind me, putting her hand on my shoulder. Swiping at my eyes, I didn't look at her.
"You okay?"
I don't know if I responded to her question but I asked her one of my own, my eyes never leaving him. "Why him, Mom? He's such a good person, why would this happen to him? He doesn't deserve this."
She stood behind me, her hand rubbing small circles on my shoulder.
"I wish I knew, Jasper. All I know is that, well, sometimes we can't make sense of things like this. They just," she paused, her hand stilling as she searched for the right word, "happen."
I shook my head, her answer wasn't good enough. There had to be a reason why it was him and not someone else; why such a beautiful boy with a soul of an angel would be forced to suffer.
"Can he hear me?"
"I don't know but they say that patients can hear long before they become conscious." Time passed and neither of us moved. "We should go," she said, taking her hand from me. "We need to find a hotel room before it's too late."
Late? I glanced up and for the first time noticed the windows that lined the wall opposite us, and saw the darkening sky.
"I'm not leaving."
"Jasper, we can come back tomorrow. Let's go get something to eat and sleep," she said in her 'don't argue with me' voice.
"I'll be right out." I waited a minute until I was sure she had left and then reached out for his hand, taking it completely in mine, needing him to feel me, to know I was there.
"I'll be back, baby. I love you," I whispered for his ears only, hoping my mother was right and that he could hear me. Somehow I stood up, feeling the tremors in my legs as they carried me from his bedside to the hallway. At the door, I turned around, unable to see his face around the curtain.
"Be safe, baby," I murmured to him.
See ya soon, love.
"**~~**"
I followed her into the room, kicked off my shoes and flopped onto one of the beds, burying my face into a pillow.
"Do you want me to order room service?" she asked from behind me. Shaking my head, I turned onto my side. "Jasper, you have to eat. I'm going to order you a burger and fries." She didn't wait for a reply before picking up the phone.
Closing my eyes, I wished I was back at the hospital with Edward. I heard her moving around the room, and there was the faint sound of a television. The food arrived and she told me to come eat.
"In a little while," I mumbled to her, reaching for my headphones. She raised her brows at me and I sighed. Resigned, I move to the edge of the bed and grabbed the plate of food, picking at the fries. I put them in my mouth, chewing and swallowing but not tasting them.
"We can go by the hospital tomorrow morning but then we need to head home," she announced as she took a bit of her sandwich.
"I'm staying."
"Jasper-"
"I can stay with the Cullens. They won't mind," I challenged her, knowing that she knew I was right.
"No, they won't. But don't you think they have enough to deal with right now? They still need to tell Edward when he wakes up, make arrangements to move him back to Forks once he's stable enough. Get him closer to home."
"I won't be in the way. Maybe I could even help," I choked out, realizing it was a losing battle.
"School starts tomorrow and I've got work. We can stay until early afternoon, then we need to head home. We've got a three hour drive ahead of us."
The conversion was done. I had no fight left in me and if I pushed it too hard, she would begin to wonder why I was so desperate to remain in Seattle. I tossed the rest of my fries on the plate and lay back down, never touching the burger. When she was done eating, she turned off the lights and television. Neither of us had a change of clothes, so we both lay dressed on our separate beds.
In the darkness of the room, I felt alone even though my mother was sleeping closer to me than she did at our house. My heart ached, twisting and tugging in every direction with each thought of Edward. He must have felt so alone in his forced slumber. Dr. Cullen said he was staying in his room with him all night, but had sent Alice and Mrs. Cullen to the hotel with us. We were going to met them the next morning to go back to the hospital.
Certain my mother was asleep, I reached for my phone. Bringing it to life, I went straight to my pictures. I might not be able to be with him physically, but I could at least see him. Tapping on the folder named 'us', I started a slideshow. One after the other, pictures of Edward and me from the past two years flashed on the screen.
A Cullen family barbeque where Alice took a picture of Edward and me doing cannonballs into the deep end of the pool.
My birthday party six months ago, taken in my room late at night after everyone had gone to bed. Sated smiles on our faces gave away our euphoric condition. In the picture, we appear shirtless, but actually we were naked, having just climaxed from mutual blowjobs. There was still a lust induced haze in both our eyes that only we would recognize.
After the championship track meet the year before, Edward's arm slung on my shoulders, my second place medal hanging from a ribbon around my neck while both of us smiled up at the camera that I held up high.
Edward's family on vacation, Alice and Edward in between their parents, everyone smiling and tan, palm trees in the background.
Another taken only a week before, Christmas Eve at my house. It was of my Edward alone, sitting in front of our decorated tree, giving me a crooked grin, a knowing glint in deep in his moss green eyes.
One taken in Edward's driveway by his mother. Edward was carrying me on his back, my arms wrapped around his neck, his hands tucked in under my thighs. We were both laughing so hard he could barely stand up.
Barely stand up.
Now I'd be thankful if he could barely stand up.
The tears came faster, stronger, sobs racking my body as I shook trying them keep them silent. My heart ached, tightening. I wasn't grieving for Edward, I was mourning for what he had lost, a future he would miss out on, a future now irrevocably changed. Taking short gulps of air, I slowly unclamped the constraints around my chest. Through the tears I forced myself to watch the slideshow again while Paul sang to me about his long and winding road.
There was going to be a long, hard winding road ahead but I was going to go down it with him - no matter what.
Exhaustion began to finally overtake me, and as my eyes drifted closed their last image was of a smiling Edward.
"**~~**"
I hadn't stopped yawning since my mother had woken me an hour earlier. Sleep, if it could be called that, had been pitiful at best. Not from my body tossing and turning but from the spinning of my mind. I had slept with my ear buds in all night, waking up often to the sounds of John or Paul crooning in my ear, sometimes lulling me back to sleep, other times reminding me of the unknown that lay ahead.
The first blissful seconds after I woke up, it all seemed like a bad dream, something awful that happens to other people, not to Edward. Then reality harshly and cruelly set in, stealing my breath and tightening the invisible band clenching my heart.
My mother had gone down to the hotel store while I got up. When she returned, she tossed a bag with a toothbrush, comb and deodorant onto my bed and went into the bathroom. I went through the motions of making myself presentable, not that it mattered, and then we headed to meet Mrs. Cullen and Alice.
After driving them to the hospital, my mother and I were sitting in the ICU waiting room again while the Cullens visited with Edward. My mother sipped her coffee and stared out the window.
Turning away, I stared at the floor, hit pause on my phone and pulled an ear bud out.
"What's going to happen?" I heard myself ask her the question that had been going through my mind for hours.
It was a loaded question, opened ended and difficult to answer.
She looked over at me, seemingly surprised at hearing my voice. Taking another sip of her coffee, she thought about my question and then put on her nurse voice. It was a voice I had heard often, anytime I had been injured as a child, her nurse voice would take over her mother tone to keep me calm.
"I spoke with Dr. Cullen earlier, and he told me that once Edward is stable enough they will med-flight him back to Forks and admit him into our hospital. He will be there for a few weeks, maybe more. There are problems that could arise with his condition, so they need to keep an eye on him. But considering his father is a doctor, Edward might get to go home quicker than the average patient in his condition."
His condition.
"What about school?" I squeaked out.
"He won't be back for awhile, Jasper," she said sympathetically.
Keeping my head down, my eyes pretending to scan something on my phone, I dared to ask what I really wanted to know.
"Will he ever walk again?" I whispered, almost afraid to say the words aloud. Swallowing hard, I waited for her reply. She got up and moved to the chair next to me, patting my knee.
"Once he wakes up, they will run a few tests to see how much information his brain is receiving from below his injury, which will determine his ability to move. I know that the fact that he made it through his first twenty-four hours ups his survival rate."
"You didn't answer my question," I said, finally pulling my eyes from the floor to look at her. Her words might not have answered my question, but her grim expression did.
"It's unlikely, but…" she thought carefully before continuing, "there's always hope."
Hope.
Edward's fate, his very future, was now contained to that one word.
The door opened and the Cullens walked in. My mother stood and hugged a sobbing Mrs. Cullen, holding her tight and saying something in her ear. Alice returned to her spot from the day before and curled up into a protective ball of denial. Dr. Cullen walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. Looking up, I tried, really tried, to give him a smile.
I failed.
"How's he doing?" I asked weakly.
"He's stable, which is about all we can ask for right now," he replied quietly and then sat in the seat my mother had just left. "Would you like to see him?"
I told myself not to cry at his considerate offer. Such simple words, a simple question and it filled me, swelling my heart in the confines of my chest. I wanted to scream yes at the top of my lungs, but instead I just nodded and kept my emotions in check.
"There are no restrictions on his visitors now so you can stay longer than yesterday. If one of his nurses or doctors comes in, you may have to leave, but other than that, stay and visit. Talk to him. He needs you, Jasper. He will need his friend to help him through this."
There was that word again.
Friend.
Biting my lip, I nodded again and glanced at my mother as I stood. She and Mrs. Cullen were sitting, holding hands and talking quietly. Clenching my phone in my hand, I left the room and turned down the hall.
Knowing what to expect, I walked into his room less tentatively than the day before. Keeping my eyes on the floor, I went directly to the chair next to his bed and sat down, relieved when my eyes found his left hand exactly where it had been the day before. Casually, I put my hand on the edge of his bed, the flannel blanket soft under my palm as I stretched my fingers out to him, my tips caressing the back of his hand in short strokes. I jumped when his hand twitched at my touch, his fingers jerking reflexively and I gasped and looked around to see if anyone else saw it.
"Edward?" I whispered as if we were not alone. "Can you hear me?"
I glanced between his hand and his face, looking for any signs of recognition. His eyes didn't miraculously open, his lips didn't curl up into a familiar smile, in fact, there was no reaction whatsoever.
Putting my hand back on the edge of the bed, I peeked over my shoulder, wishing I had thought to close the door. I reached around behind me and slid the curtain to block us from those walking by. More comfortable, I let my fingers reach out for his warmth again, starting with gentle, feather-light touches.
"Your dad said I should talk to you. I don't know if you can hear me, but, baby, I love you." I spoke in a tone so low that even if he had been awake he would have had a hard time hearing me. "I miss you, your voice, your kisses. Everything…I miss everything."
He remained motionless.
"I know you're scared, baby. I am too, but we'll get through this. You and me, we can do anything together, remember? This is just a bump in our long and winding road. "
Quoting the song inspired me and I reached for into my pocket for my iPhone. Scrolling through, I tapped music and then leaned over the bed, putting one bud in my ear and the other in his. I hit play and Paul began singing Edward's favorite song, telling us that there will be an answer if we just let it be.
As the song played, I got brave and let my finger tips freely skim over his hand and I even let them wander up his arm to the edge of the bandage. Keeping my eyes on his face, I watched him intently, looking for any signs of my Edward. His eye was less swollen, although the bruises hadn't faded, and his lip looked like it was healing. Next to him, a monitor tracked his heart rate while another watched his blood pressure. It was amazing really, how the slightest change in him would be caught and doctors would be alerted. Two IV bags hung on a hook; I assumed one was the medicine that was keeping him from me while the other provided hydration.
The doctors might not know much about him, what kind of person he was, but they were watching him closely, ready to solve any problems that came up.
As the song finished and the next one began, I glanced behind me and then grasped his hand in mine. Afraid to move it, I lowered my lips to it. Amazed at how warm he felt, how normal, I brushed my lips across his skin a few times before planting a kiss in the middle. Keeping his hand in mine, I scrolled through my phone with my other until I found what I was looking for. Selecting the folder, I opened a picture and then held it up to him.
"Remember this one?" I asked him, holding the phone up as if his bright green eyes were open and looking. "It was a cookout at your house. Your dad grilled those huge steaks, and," I began laughing as the memory came back to me. "Remember he was turning one of them and then your mom screamed at us for jumping in the pool and he dropped it on the ground? He was so pissed at us." I finished the story, the picture of us by his poolside on my screen. Moving to the next, I sighed.
It was the one from my birthday.
Lowering my voice to a whisper, I described the picture to him. "This one is from my birthday. Remember we had just come and you were laying on top me and said we needed to take a birthday picture in our birthday suits." I felt my cheeks flush as I described the memory to him. "We had to take ten pictures to get one where you couldn't tell we were naked. That night was so hot, baby. Remember? We sixty-nined for the first time. It was amazing."
I realized my hand was moving over his, stroking him as I talked. When I stopped, his finger twitched.
Perhaps he could hear me, feel my touch.
Encouraged, I went to the next picture.
"Here's us at the championship track meet last year. That asshole from La Push had just beaten me in the eight-hundred. I was disappointed and when I got off the track, you came up to me and said how I was always number one to you. You always know what to say."
The next image appeared.
"This one is your family vacation, I can't remember where you went that year. Cancun maybe? You look so beautiful with a tan." I waited for the next image. "Christmas at my house. I wanted to take a picture of you with your present in front of the tree and all you wanted to do was…" I felt my cheeks warm, "ya know," I said shyly. Fondling the braided leather around my wrist, right where he had put it, I debated on undoing it for the first time and putting it on his wrist to wear. I wanted him to have something of mine, something tethering us together while we were separated, something to remind him of me.
"I want to leave this with you, but I don't know if they have rules about that kinda stuff here," I told him before looking around the room for some sort of poster of restrictions, like you see in classroom or outside of restaurants.
My favorite picture came up next.
The piggy back ride.
"Your mom asked you to rake the yard and you tricked me into coming over to help. All I did was complain the entire time until you promised me a blowjob as my payment. When your mom called us into dinner, I groaned about my sore feet and legs, so you tossed me on your back. I don't know why your mom took the picture but it's one of my favorites. Good thing she couldn't hear the dirty words I was whispering in your ear. You were laughing so hard," I finished wistfully.
I went through each picture, describing them all in great detail, when, where, and what we were doing. The entire time, Edward's playlist continued in our ears, the music drowning out the sounds of the hospital around us.
Just as the last image of us appeared on the screen, I heard a knock on the door a second before footsteps entering. Releasing his hand like it had been on fire, I jumped back, accidently yanking the bud from his ear.
"Shit," I muttered. "Sorry, ba-Edward."
A nurse turned the corner of the curtain.
"I thought I heard someone in here. I'm Anna," she greeted.
"Jasper," I said quietly, stuffing my phone into my pocket.
"Brother? Friend?"
Soulmate.
"Friend."
She nodded and went to work. Picking up his hand, she adjusted the clip on his finger, and then she pressed buttons on several of the machines, writing all the numbers down on a clipboard.
"I need to change his bag, you okay with that?"
I nodded, although I had no idea what she was talking about. On the opposite side of the bed, she lifted his blanket, folding it back over him and for the first time, I got to see his bare legs.
There were a few bruises, but nothing he wouldn't have gotten during a rough game of basketball. His skin was pale, light brown hair still dusted his calves and thighs. I looked away when she pushed his gown aside, not wanting to embarrass him. Dainty hands clinically checked the tube that had been inserted into his dick and then she covered him back up before disconnecting a full bag from the side of bed. She quickly replaced it with an empty one and pulled the blanket back down.
"All done," she said, giving his leg one last pat. "Keep talking to him, they say people can hear their loved ones," she encouraged with a smile before stepping around his bed with the bag in her hand.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, what's up?"
"Can he wear a…um a leather… um bracelet?" I stammered, feeling my cheeks warm. Trying not to smile, her eyes flashed to my wrist and the flush on my face increased.
"I'm sorry, ICU patients aren't allowed to wear any kind of jewelry," she said apologetically. "Anything else?"
I shook my head, keeping my eyes downward.
"If you need anything, let me know," she smiled and headed for the door.
"Thanks," I mumbled as an afterthought as she left.
This was Edward's life now. Nurses, doctors, strangers touching him intimately, their hands in places only mine and Edward's, and I supposed his mother's, had ever been.
It didn't seem right.
Nothing seemed right anymore.
The most athletic, creative, and beautiful person I had ever known was broken beyond repair, reminding me just how fragile we were. There was nothing the doctors' education and degrees or technology could do for him; they couldn't put him back together again, they had failed him.
I had failed him.
If it hadn't been for me, if I hadn't told him to be at my house by midnight, if I hadn't convinced him that that night would be a perfect first time to lose ourselves to each other…
The tears began to fall again, and I just…let them. Gripping his hand in mine, probably too tight, I stared at his quiet legs.
"Edward, I'm so sorry, baby." I stopped, taking a breath before I began sobbing. "Oh my God, baby, this is all my fault. You were rushing to me. I'm the reason you're here like this." Wiping my eyes, I looked up at his face. "Forgive me. I don't know what I'd do without you. Please…"
My chest heaved with the shallow breaths I took, the gasps bringing too little oxygen into my lungs. I wanted to crawl into the bed next to him, hold him. Standing, I released his hand and placed my palm over his heart, feeling the heat of his flesh through the thin cotton of the gown. With one last look toward the door behind me, I bent over and gently placed my head on his chest.
Beneath my ear, his heart beat steadily, solidly, like nothing had changed. It was strong and secure. One after the other, the guilt fell from my eyes, over my face and onto his chest.
"Baby," I whispered to him, "I love you so fucking much. Always… always, no matter what, I love you."
I wasn't sure how long I remained like that, listening to the life beat inside him. His body heat warmed my cheek as I lifted my hand from the edge of the bed and held it out over his thighs. Trembling fingers slowly lowering until they rested on his leg.
It was firm, hard and so very still.
Stroking it, I watched my hand move over the blanket, wishing my touch could will his legs to move, that my energy would flow from me into him where he needed it most. Every time we touched, there was a bolt of electricity that shot through us, at first it had scared the shit out of us, but we gradually got used to the fact that every caress, no matter how small, would cause skipping heartbeats.
The tears continued to fall until there were none left. Minutes or hours, I had no idea how long I was with him but I knew my mother would be coming for me soon. Turning my head, I placed a kiss on his heart.
"I love you. I'll be back as soon as I can," I murmured into his chest before standing up. Unable to resist, I ran one fingertip down his cheek to his lips. "Be safe, baby."
Wiping my eyes, I turned and walked away from Edward.
"**~~**"
I had no idea what time it was, not that it mattered anyway. Since we had left the hospital in Seattle, time had all but stopped for me. Dr. Cullen had promised to call me each day to let me know how Edward was doing, and I had spent half of the ride home fighting the desire to argue with my mother, to convince her why I could stay in Seattle with the Cullens.
The house was quiet, my mother had ordered pizza after we got home and went to bed shortly after. I think my father had stayed up for awhile but I had gone up to my room right after dinner and hadn't left it since. My computer beckoned to me from my desk, and even though I was sure there were a ton of unread messages, I couldn't bring myself to care.
The room was completely dark except for the hazy, blue glow of the iHome on the table next to my bed. Lying flat on my back, I stared at the ceiling, my hands by my sides, my legs out straight. Keeping them as still as possible, I tried to imagine what it would feel like to not be able to use them.
Would they feel heavy or light? Would they feel any touch or nothing at all?
Keeping them rigid and together, I pushed myself up on my elbows and watched my feet. The more I concentrated on them, the more relaxed they felt. Under my blanket, they looked just like Edward's had.
But there was one big difference between his legs and mine.
Mine worked.
Rolling over, I glanced at the time.
Two in the morning.
I had to get up for school in less than four hours and I hadn't even closed my eyes in an attempt to sleep. I had listened to music while I tossed and turned until I couldn't take it anymore. Flipping the blanket off me, I got out of bed and padded downstairs. As I turned the corner at the bottom of the stairs, the falling snow outside caught my eye and I found myself standing at the front door.
Opening it, I stepped outside, my legs carrying me down the porch steps until I was standing in the snow in nothing but flannel pants.
The only sound was the flakes falling mesmerizingly through the branches and landing on the ground, covering everything with a blanket of purity and rebirth. Everywhere I looked was white; our cars, the driveway, the pile of leaves I had never picked up, the shovel I had left out from New Year's Eve. Tilting my head back, feeling the specks of dampness on my face, I looked up into the inky black sky marred by the tiny white dots falling from heaven.
Heaven.
Perhaps the doctors couldn't help him but maybe someone else could.
"Please, God…I'll do anything, anything, just don't take his legs, please," I begged. I clenched my eyes to stop the tears, but instead, they rolled down the side of face to my neck.
Maybe there was something I could do.
"Take mine instead," I bartered through gritted teeth, my balled fists hitting the sides of my thighs. "Take my legs and give him his. Please take mine," I begged, repeating it over and over. "He doesn't deserve this… please."
Weak, I fell to my knees, the snow doing nothing to cushion me from the pavement underneath. Choking back more tears, I wrapped my arms around my chest as I finally began to feel the cold seeping through my numb skin, my thin pants unable to keep the chill out.
The bartering hadn't worked, I could still feel my legs.
Sighing, I opened my eyes, the snow gathering on my lashes quickly.
"Please, God, I beg you, take mine. Don't do this to him," I pleaded from my knees. "It's my fault he was driving on that road, not his. Forgive me for wanting him, I know it's wrong but I love him so much, he's everything to me. We're everything to each other. Give him his legs, please, please. This will destroy him. He loves basketball and if he can't…" My voice cracked with the reality of his future of not being able to play basketball again, at least not the way he knew it.
"Just let him walk. I love him, God," I began to sob between the words of my whispered prayer. Slowly, I stood up on strong, steady legs. Shivering, I turned and went into the house, my legs easily taking the steps by two. It was so effortless for me, my muscles working in tandem to move me, the motion so natural and unconscious that I didn't even have to think about it. I could go anywhere I wanted to on a whim, no planning involved.
Something that would never happen for Edward again.
After closing the door, I headed for the living room. Our Christmas tree still sat in the corner, my father had left its lights on, their pale color twinkling in the dark room. Somehow I ended up sitting on the floor next to it. I knew I should grab the blanket off the couch to warm up with but I didn't. I just sat there, my knees up to my chest with my arms around them. As I stared at the flickering lights, I remembered much happier times when Edward had sat in front of it about a week before.
"No, you first," he said, shoving the wrapped present at me. My parents had gone to bed, leaving Edward and I alone downstairs to exchange gifts. Since they had gone upstairs, Edward had been all over me, his hands touching me everywhere, constantly caressing the most sensitive areas, the places he knew drove me wild. He was impossible to resist, the desire in his eyes did nothing but fuel the growing erection in my pants, but I insisted we open presents first. Plush lips pouted as he looked up at me through his dark lashes.
Like I said, impossible to resist.
Keeping it 'G' rated until we were sure my parents were alseep, we sat facing each other on the floor next to the tree. Rolling my eyes, I took his gift, unable to contain my heart racing in anticipation.
"What is it?"
"Open it, dork," he sighed, his eyes bright with excitement. Pulling the tape off, I ripped the shiny, green paper open to reveal a small, white box. I took the cover off and gasped.
"You remembered?" I whispered. A few months before we had been surfing the web at Edward's house and had found some nice leather bracelets. I had found one I really liked but it was out of my unemployed price range. That one now sat on a pillow of cotton in the box, and looked even more perfect up close.
"Here," he said, smiling. Taking the bracelet from the box, he clasped the chocolate brown braided leather around my right wrist. Holding my wrist out a bit, I admired it. "Do you like it?" he asked nervously.
"I love it, it's perfect, thank you," I answered before wrapping my hand around his neck and pulling him into a brief kiss.
"There's another part, but it's kind of stupid," he said, lowering his head and blushing. Before I could say anything, he reached behind him and pulled out a thin envelope. I could tell it was a CD of some sort, and assumed he had made me a CD mix. After all, we weren't beyond that rite of passage. In a black marker, he had written two words.
For you.
"I had to make it sorta code in case anyone found it," he explained. Getting up, I popped it into the CD player and grabbed the remote before returning to my place in front of him, our knees barely touching when I sat down again. The room slowly filled with the sound of music. The piano I recognized right away, the song I did not.
"It's beautiful," I said, listening closely. The melody was soothing, rising and happy all at the same time."Is it The Beatles?" I asked, pretty confident I knew all their music because of Edward, but maybe it was long lost song.
"Do you like it?" he asked, biting his lip.
"Yeah, it's really pretty, perfect."
"I wrote it…for you," his cheeks darkened and he ducked his head bashfully.
"You wrote this? Like composed it?" I asked in awe. His talent never ceased to amaze me. Nodding, he looked down at our nearly touching knees, and I felt his hand rubbing mine. "Edward, it's amazing. C'mere." Pulling him to me for another kiss, our lips met while I braced my hands on his thighs, debating on deepening the kiss. "You are so fucking amazing, baby," I murmured as I pulled away.
"Shut up," he said, embarrassed. "I've been working on it for a few months now. You inspired me. I love you."
"I love you, too. Now you need to open yours," I returned, handing him his present. The wrapping was poor, but I hoped he wouldn't care. I don't think he did because he ripped through it and his eyes widened shock.
"You didn't!" he said, barely taking his eyes off his gift to look up at me. Nodding, I adopted the blush he had and prayed like he liked it.
It had taken me the better part of four months to complete, between school, track, family and Edward. I had sat in my room well past my bedtime many on nights working in the dim light trying to get the shading just right. In Edward's hands sat an 11x14 framed pencil drawing of his favorite Beatles picture. It was all four of them standing together, looking off in the distance, a slight smile on Paul's face as he hid behind Ringo.
I didn't have a steady job like Edward, and what little money I did have wasn't enough to get what I had really wanted to - a signed copy of the White Album. So one day I had casually asked him what his favorite picture of The Beatles was and he had showed me the one he was holding.
Silent, he just sat and stared at it. I was about to ask if it was okay and I saw a tear fall from his eye onto the glass.
"Jasper, I don't know what to say. It's…beautiful. You're beautiful and talented and perfect," he sighed, finally looking up at me.
"You like it?"
"The best present I've ever received," he admitted.
"Better than Rocky?" I asked, referring to the puppy he had gotten for Christmas when he was five.
"Better," he confirmed.
Grinning, I leaned forward and captured his lips with mine again, and wasn't surprised when his tongue wanted entrance.
"I'm sure they're asleep," he mumbled when his lips left mine and began a trail down my neck. "Come on, just touching okay?"
My head lolled back, his lips wet and warm and everywhere at once, perfectly synchronized with his wandering hands. Long fingers tickled my skin as they dipped under the hem of my tee shirt, raising it higher and higher until he pulled back and lifted it over my head.
"Lay down," he commanded. Doing as he asked, I grabbed his shirt and took it with me, pulling it over his head and tossing it aside. Laying flush on top of me, our bare chests seared into each other, my nipples pebbled instantly at his touch. Groaning, I plunged my hand into his hair, bringing his mouth back to mine, sucking his tongue into my mouth.
"Fuck, baby," I groaned as his mouth left mine again and he began to slid his body down mine, leaving goosebumps in the wake of his touch. Pushing himself up onto his knees between my spread legs, he kept his eyes on mine as he hooked his thumbs into his cotton pants and yanked them down over his ass, freeing his erection. He chuckled when my eyes went to his cock, hard and thick and ready, as I licked my lips.
"Up," he said, his hands on the elastic of my pants. I lifted my hips and in one swift motion, he had pulled my pants and briefs down to my thighs. Groaning at the site, he stared at me while I lay aroused and wanting beneath him. Lowering himself on top of me again, he lined our cocks up, both slickened from our fluids, and began to thrust his hips back and forth over mine.
I had never felt anything to fucking incredible in my life.
It was raw and feral and loving all at the same time, much how I imagined us making love would be. Uncontainable passion drove us as his pace immediately quickened to propel us. We grunted and moaned, our breaths labored, our hips insistent, our movements erratic in our need. Keeping our mouths fused, Edward humped me, his bare cock rubbing against mine. I arched my back, driving my hips up into his and wrapping my legs around his waist, keeping him to me as I neared my orgasm.
I needed him just as close.
Breaking the kiss, I moved my mouth to his ear, my wet tongue licking and lapping every inch I could reach.
"Baby, if I shifted just right, you'd slipped inside me. We could take these pants off and slide you into my hot, tight ass. We'd be fucking. Wouldn't that feel good? I know I can't wait to fuck you, I want to fuck you so bad, Edward," I whispered breathlessly into his ear. "It's all I think about."
"Fuck…more," he gasped, his hips quickening and I knew he was only thrusts away.
"I love the way your cock feels against mine, hard and slick. Next week when we fuck, I'm going to make you come so fucking hard," I encouraged him.
Grunting one last time, his entire body stilled and tensed, his muscles freezing until the first wave of his climax hit him and his cock erupted between us. His cum was warm as it coated our stomachs and cocks, slickening them even more. I never stopped my movements, my cock still seeking the friction of his, my hands were on his ass, grinding him into me furiously even as he came.
I didn't care if my parents, or the entire fucking neighborhood, walked in on us right then, there was no way I was going to stop.
I felt his breaths on my shoulder and neck, his hips jerking with the last of his orgasm.
"Come for me," was all he said and my cock twitched and released creamy cum in long streams between us. Clenching my teeth, I hissed, trying to stay as quiet as possible in the heat of the moment. The orgasm ebbed, hitting me in weakening pulses until I finally relaxed, completely sated. Edward's weight on me was pleasant and he lifted his head to kiss me again.
"Merry Christmas ,love," he said between the unhurried meetings of our lips.
"Merry Christmas, Edward," I returned, my mind and body and heart completely owned by him.
After we had cleaned up our bodies and wrapping paper, we sat side by side, our backs against the couch while we watched the tree lights dance. I laid my head on his shoulder and he nuzzled his cheek in my hair.
"Are you worried about college? Like living there alone and stuff?" I randomly blurted out. I felt him shake his head.
"No. What's to worry about? It will be you and me, and together, we can do anything, right?"
Suddenly empowered, I nodded. "Anything," I repeated. "I love you, Edward."
I felt his breath warm my head as he sighed in contentment. "I love you too, Jasper."
The lights of the tree blurred through my tears as I sat against the couch alone, the fingers of my left hand absently turning the braided leather around my right wrist. I hadn't taken it off since he had placed it there.
He was so far away.
Alone.
Rubbing a hand up and down my calves, I worked some warmth back into them, feeling the pins and needles spreading as I thawed out.
Might legs might work, but I never used them for anything worthy. I ran track, big deal. I had won a few medals here and there, but where had they gotten me? From that night, I vowed to make my legs useful, and the only thing that would make them worthy was using them to help Edward.
I would become his legs.
Reaching over, I hit play on the stereo and Edward's music quietly filled the room. No music, regardless of what Edward thought about The Beatles, would ever compare to his masterpiece. Resting my cheek on my knee, I watched the lights, my body slightly swaying to the music.
I never heard her footsteps, I never saw her until she was standing directly in front of me with her fingers clenched around the phone in her hand. Who was she calling that late?
I went to ask, but then saw the worried look on her face; her sleepy eyes were barely open but were filled with fear. In my chest, my heart skipped several beats, something it had been doing often since I had found out about Edward's accident. Afraid to ask her what was wrong, I just stared up at her, swallowing hard, the fear choking me.
She took a deep breath.
"Jasper, Edward's awake."
"**~~**"
Thanks for reading~
I think we've got the first Edward pov coming up next chapter.
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