Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.
A/N-This little story has already exceeded 200 reviews and has over 300 readers on alert. Seriously, thank you all! I know I've said this before, but this story is very personal to me, and while I enjoy writing these boys, it's nice to know others enjoy reading them as well. Please continue to leave a review, or PM if you feel more comfortable, and let me know what you think.
Oh, apparently, I lied *points to word count* and this story will easily be over ten chapters. Not sure if that will make you all happy or sad…
This chapter might be angsty….just saying.
Big thanks to OnTheTurningAway for her beta.
Now Jpov
"**~~**"
If on a winter's night he had been alone on the road …
"**~~**"
Surrounded by the darkness of my room, I lay on my back, singing into the phone.
The house was completely still, it had been for the past several hours. After I had come home from school, I had gone straight to my room and threw myself onto my bed. When my mother had come up to get me for dinner, I told her I wasn't hungry and had homework to finish. She didn't buy my excuse but she closed my door anyway, leaving me alone with my grief. It wasn't long after that I had crawled into bed, hoping that somehow sleep might find me, carry me away on its dreamy wings to a place where Edward was okay and we were together.
Eventually, I had fallen asleep, but it was restless and rough.
The vibration of my iPhone on the table next to my bed had been enough to wake me up, and I didn't even look at the number before mumbling hello. He had only said three words, but my heart filled, the emptiness of not being with him briefly satisfied by his distant presence.
By the time I reached the last verse, I was struggling to keep myself together. On the other end of the phone I heard small gasps and knew the tears were falling for him as well. As much as it killed me to hear, to know he was suffering, I kept singing.
It was what he needed and I wasn't going to stop.
Immediately after finishing Let it Be, I began Imagine.
Imagine you can walk.
Imagine this isn't happening.
Imagine I'm there to hold your hand.
He had often told me I was the dreamer between us while he was the more practical one. He was right, I played a game in a reality that didn't exist and watched movies and read books about aliens and alternate realities. Hell, I could tell you more about the Hoth System than I could my own state.
He planned out our futures while I only dreamed about them.
My voice was quiet, almost a whisper, but the words flowed from me without even thinking of them. I found my hand tapping on my knee to keep the time of the song, the pauses in beat allowing me to hear him, his slight movements and reassuring breaths.
There was so much I wanted to ask him, to tell him. From his soft voice and the crying, I knew he had been told his diagnosis, and my already broken heart shattered all over again. A brief flash of anger hit me, pissed at my mother for not allowing me to stay and be with him when he found out, or at the very least, see him afterward. I couldn't imagine how terrified he must be, lying in that sterile room, alone and facing a future changed forever.
I knew his parents loved him and would do everything for him, but there was no way they could know what their son was going through. There was no way for any of us to know.
When I finished, I paused, not sure if I should sing again. The quiet was long enough to hear him sigh between a sobs. Waiting, I clutched the phone to my ear, silently begging him to talk to me.
Just as I went to begin another song, he spoke in a weak, tired voice. "I gotta go."
"Baby, no, no, please stay with me. We don't have to talk, ju-"
"I gotta go," he repeated quietly before the phone went dead. I wanted to call him back, make him talk to me, but I knew he couldn't and I wasn't about to force him to do something he wasn't able to do.
Instead, I let the phone fall from my ear to the bed and I rolled over onto my side. Bringing my knees up, I wrapped my arms around my chest and began crying.
Again.
A new dawn broke, just like it had every day since New Year's Eve, and I rolled out of bed. Not even showering before dressing, I mechanically went through the motions of my morning routine. Just as I left my room, I remembered I had to walk; there would be no Edward to pick me up. Instead of the thin sweatshirt I usually wore, I snagged my heavy, track team sweatshirt off the floor, my name and number embroidered on the sleeve. Pushing back the memories of Edward picking me up for school in the Volvo, of our standard morning kiss, of the handholding we did as he drove us short distance, I grabbed my bag, headed out the door and began my walk to school.
Each step in the frigid air was a reminder of what I could still do, of the ability Edward no longer had. Each footprint I left behind in the snow was one of guilt, a physical reminder of the heaviness I had felt building in me since finding out about Edward. I had played the 'what if' game many times in my head, even telling myself the guilt was ridiculous, that accidents just happen sometimes.
It never helped. I always went back to if he hadn't been on his way to see me, he would be safe. If he hadn't been driving too fast on the slippery roads in his rush to get to me, he would be safe. If he hadn't been distracted by our phone call, he would be safe. All those possibilities, and many more, weighed in my mind, and no matter the difference in the causes, the reason he had been on those roads that late had night had been because of me. If he had just gone home after work, he would have been home long before the accident happened.
There was no denying I was the reason he was paralyzed.
When I felt the tears welling up, I forced myself to concentrate on the physical sensations I felt. The cold mist falling, the little puffs of expelled air I could see as I breathed, the wetness of my sneakers from walking in the snow.
Walking up the steps at school, I felt eyes on me. My hair was dirty and barely combed, my eyes had dark circles under them and I wasn't even sure my clothes were clean, they may have been the same ones I wore the day before. I looked like hell, but I didn't give a shit.
"Hey, Jasper," a small voice said behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Bella following me up the steps.
"Hey," I replied, acknowledging her as I kept going. She was quicker than I gave her credit for and she took the next steps by two and caught up to me.
"What?" I snapped, stopping at the top of the steps to look down on her. There was a deep flush to her cheeks and her hair was tucked under her hood.
She lowered her eyes. "I just wanted to say I was sorry to hear about Edward."
The steady wave of people parted to make room for us standing in their way, some giving us frustrated looks while others completely ignored us. Tugging on her sweatshirt, I pulled her to the side, out of the path of the crowd.
"What do you know?" I asked her, keeping my voice low.
"When my father picked me up at the airport last night, he told me Edward had been in an accident. He said it was pretty bad and Edward had been flown to Seattle. He didn't know anything else."
"Yeah, it was pretty bad."
"Have you seen him?"
"Yeah, but not for long."
"Is he okay?"
How the fuck was I supposed to answer that?
Edward would always care for her. Even after their breakup they had remained friends, and I knew he wouldn't want her to find out about him from someone else.
"Listen, I'm going to tell you something that needs to stay between us, okay? No one else knows but I think Edward would want you to know."
"Okay," she replied hesitantly.
Pulling my lip between my teeth, I debated on how to tell her. Was there a standard Hallmark phrase for your ex-boyfriend is paralyzed?
"Bella, there was an injury to his spine and…"
"Oh my God, no, no, no," she said, shaking her head violently. When I saw the tears forming in her eyes, I pulled her to me in a tight hug, my chin resting on her head. My sweatshirt muffled her cries as we ignored the stream of curious glances from the onlookers.
"Sssh, between you and me, right, Bella?" I reminded her as I pulled her away from me and looked into her big, brown eyes.
"How bad?"
"Waist down," I admitted softly. A new round of tears started and I hugged her again. "We gotta get to class, you going to be okay?"
After a few seconds, she nodded, sniffling loudly as she pulled out of my arms. "Will you meet me for lunch?"
I had planned on leaving at lunch and skipping my afternoon classes.
"Sure, I'll look for you."
She wiped her eyes with her sweatshirt and then looked up at me. "Thanks for telling me. I'll see you at lunch." She turned and went inside. The kids were long gone and the last bell rang before I finally opened the door and headed for my first class.
The morning dragged, I sat in class after class, listening but not hearing, reading but not understanding, words in the books mingled together, moving and jumping as I attempted to focus on them. Around me the world moved forward. Eric had a fight with Angela, Mike had made it to third base with some random girl and one of my teachers had had a baby. Mostly, I ignored the few questions I got about Edward, brushing them off with a shrug or saying I didn't know, but it was only a matter of time before they all found out.
Lunch arrived and I reluctantly headed for the cafeteria to meet Bella. I found her sitting at a table near the windows, a tray of uneaten food sitting in front of her. I didn't even pretend to eat; I skipped the lunch line and walked over to her.
"Hey," I sighed, sitting down. When she looked up, I saw the tear stained cheeks and felt a new wave of guilt. I shouldn't have told her, at least not where and when I had. "I'm a fucking ass, Bella, I shouldn't have told you at school."
"No, no, it's okay. I'm glad you did, I just…I just don't know what to think, ya know? It's just so overwhelming. Part of me is in shock and I expect him to come waltzing back in here and run up behind me, scaring the shit out of me like he does. Another part of me can't help but think about his future, college and kids, and then another part wonders about all the little stuff, like how will he get around his house and drive a car?"
Absently, she played with the food on her tray, pushing her fork through it but never actually bringing it up to her mouth.
"Yeah, I know," I agreed.
"What did he say? Is he okay, scared?"
"I haven't talked to him," I half lied, lowering my eyes to a spot on the table. "He was asleep when I saw him."
"Oh," she replied, finally pushing her tray away and tucking some hair behind her ear. When Edward and Bella were dating, I had been jealous of her. The freedom she had with him, to touch him, call him anytime, blatantly stare at him without anyone getting fucking wigged out. All the things she did were perfectly acceptable. For me, they had been unattainable things I dreamt of doing. I admit when he told me they had broken up, my heart had skipped about a hundred beats. Their breakup certainly wasn't evidence that he was gay, far from it, but it freed up his time, and gave me a reason to give him one of those manly half-hugs.
The sudden urge to see him, or at least talk to him, overwhelmed me and a band tightened around my chest as I sucked in deep breath. I felt tears prickling at the corners of my eyes and I had to leave, I had to be alone.
"Listen, I gotta go, can we talk later?"
"Yeah, sure," she said, nodding.
"Bye," I barely got out before I was standing, practically running for the door. I felt hundreds of pairs of eyes on me as I bolted through the doors and into the cold.
The walk home was long even though I jogged most of it, and when I turned the corner to my house, I sprinted to the front door. As soon as I was inside, I went to my room and woke up my computer, sighing impatiently as I waited for Google to load.
After a quick search, I found what I needed and picked up my phone.
"Seattle General Hospital, how may I direct your call?"
"Can I speak to Edward Cullen please? He's a patient in ICU."
"One minute," a woman replied and I could hear her punching keys on a keyboard. "Cullen?"
"Yes."
"Mr. Cullen was transferred to another hospital today."
"He was? To where?" I asked urgently.
"I'm sorry, I can only give out that information to family."
If I was fucking family, I would have known he had been fucking transferred.
Hanging up without a thank you, I tossed the phone on my bed and fell back beside it, sighing and hitting the bed with my fist in frustration. My entire body was tense, ready to spring after being completely on edge since we had left Seattle.
The not knowing was killing me.
The not seeing Edward was killing me.
Inspired, I picked up the phone and went to my call log to find the number Edward had called me from. I took a chance and called it.
"Hello, you have reached Esme Cullen, I can't take your call right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as possible."
For a split second, I panicked on whether or not I should leave a message and then my instincts took over. "Hi, Mrs. Cullen, it's Jasper. I was just wondering how Edward is doing. Umm, thanks, bye."
After I hung up, I let my eyes drift closed, sleep slowly falling over me. The sound of the door slamming downstairs woke me up and I bolted upright just as my mother knocked on my door.
"Hey," she said, leaning against the door jamb. "How was school?"
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I shrugged.
"Esme called me this morning just after I got to work. Edward was transferred to Fork's General today. He arrived this afternoon by med-flight."
Edward was in Forks.
Keeping my reaction contained, I nodded and asked, "Is he doing okay? Did you see him? When can I see him?"
So much for containment.
She folded her arms across her chest and waited before answering. "I saw him briefly, just to check in on him and let him know if he needed anything, he could call me. Physically, he is doing as well as can be expected, but he has a long road ahead. Emotionally, he was up and down. I wasn't with him long, but I could see the fear in his eyes, and he snapped at the nurses a few times. As for seeing him, I'm not sure that's a good idea right now."
"But-"
She put a hand up to stop me. "I know your anxious, but remember this is a lot for him and his family to take in. Let them have some time to adjust, let him get used to the diagnosis. Maybe in a few days you can go over after school, okay?"
"Yeah," I sighed. "If you see him tomorrow, tell him I said hi," I requested. It sounded so childish, so casual.
'Hey, Edward, I know you're paralyzed and all but Jasper says hi.'
What I really wanted to tell him was that I was sorry and I loved him.
"Dinner will be done in about thirty minutes."
"I'm not hungry." When she didn't reply, I looked up and saw her motherly raised brow.
"You need to eat."
"Not tonight. I'll grab something in the morning. I'm going to get my homework done and go to bed," I said, pulling off my sneakers and throwing them on the floor for added effect.
"Don't forget," she chided and then closed my door. I stripped off my sweatshirt and grabbed my earbuds before lying on my bed, my phone in my hand in case he called. Paul's voice soothed me as he began to sing Hey Jude.
"So this is your room?" he asked, his eyes scanning my walls as he stepped into my bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and watched him intently as he wandered around my room for the first time.
"Yep, pretty boring, huh?"
Reaching out, he spun my solar system model that hung from my ceiling and laughed when he saw the Jabba the Hut statue on my dresser.
"That's pretty fucking cool," he laughed. "All you need is Princess Leia in her slave costume and it'd be perfect."
I shrugged. "I never got what was so hot about that," I blurted out before I realized what I had potentially admitted. "I mean, um, it's not like Jabba could do anything, he was too fat." I wondered if he noticed that while most boys my age would have had a poster of Leia dressed as a slave, I had a poster of the Millennium Falcon.
It was his turn to shrug. "Yeah, I guess, but she sure looked fine."
He continued to explore my room, leaving no inch unexamined, and I began to rethink my invitation to keep him busy while Bella was out with her girlfriends. Curious, he didn't hesitate to touch almost everything. Nervous, my knee bounced and I gnawed continuously on my bottom lip.
"Jasper is an old fashioned name," he stated as he fingered my DVD collection, smirking when he realized they were alphabetized and grouped by genre.
"Yeah, it is…Edward."
"Point taken," he laughed, glancing over his shoulder at me.
"I was named after my parents," I explained, keeping my eyes trained on the back of his head and not his ass.
"Last name or something?
"No," I chuckled. "My dad is Jason, my mom is Peri, so when they couldn't decide on a boy's name, they combined them and made Jasper."
"Cool. Hey, nice computer," he changed the subject as he moved the mouse to see bring it to life. The image of my desktop was the logo for WoW and he furrowed his brows. "What's that?" he asked, pointing to it.
"A game I play online."
"Is it fun?"
"Fuck yeah, "I replied, jumping up eagerly. "Want me to show you?"
"Sure," he said. I sat in the desk chair, clicking on the icon and logging in. "It's this great MPRP game where you-."
"MPRP?"
Blushing, I whispered, "Multi-person role playing."I moved the mouse. "Basically, you pick a race you want to be and you level him up. There's dungeons to fight in, a massive story line full of quests. And you get to do it all with other people. Like, the way dungeons work is you have..." Without meaning to, I prattled on about the basics of clearing a heroic dungeon.
When I glanced over at him to make sure he was listening, I saw a glazed look in his eyes and I sighed. It was a look I was used to; just about everyone that didn't play WoW had it when I tried to explain the importance of realms and guilds. Immediately, I felt like an idiot, a fucking geeky idiot. I had I hoped to impress him with my relatively clean room and neat things and all I had done was stun him silent with my dorkiness. I paused, trying to decide what to do, how to regain some coolness back. Just when I had thought all was lost, he pointed to screen.
"So when you attack, this guy here takes most of the blows for the team?" he asked, actually sounding interested.
"Basically, yeah."
"Huh." He watched the monitor as I moved my character around. "Well, what about those guys?"
Excited at his interest, fake or not, I turned to him. "If you want, there's a chair in the den, I can get it for you?"
"Sure."
Forgetting the game, focusing more on Edward not being scared away, I ran to den and grabbed my mom's desk chair. Lugging it back into my room, I put it next to mine and Edward moved to it from my bed.
"Thanks, man," he said, inching it closer to the desk. "Tell me more about those guys," he said, pointing to the elves.
So I did. For the next thirty minutes, I played and explained while he watched and asked a few questions. Sometimes he would get the glazed over look, and I couldn't decide if he was really interested or just pretending to be.
But I decided it didn't matter. All that did matter was how fucking good he smelled. Every time he moved, I caught a whiff of woodsy pine, like he was wearing a Christmas tree around his neck. I don't know if it was his body wash or if he always smelled like that up close, but I fucking breathed it deep every chance I had.
"Edward, I…."
The room was completely dark, not even the screensaver on my monitor was moving, when I felt my iPhone vibrate. At some point, my grasp on it had loosened but it was still in my palm. Jumping, I ripped the earbuds out and hit answer.
"Hello," I whispered. For a few seconds, there was silence, and then I heard a long breath. "Edward?"
A sob.
"Oh, baby, I'm here. Okay? I'm here, I'm here. Do you want me to sing?" I gasped, my voice low and raspy.
There was no response other than another muffled cry.
Without further prompting, I began.
"Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday."
I barely made it through the song, my voice cracking several times near the end as I desperately tried to not let him hear the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. Just like the night before, he was quiet except for an occasional sniffle. Afraid he would leave if I gave him the chance, as soon as I was finished, I began the next song.
"The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door."
As soon as I was done, I took a breath and went to start another.
"I gotta go," he cried, and that time, before I could even protest, he hung up.
"Fuck," I growled, tempted to throw my phone across the room. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."
During my frustration, the tears dried and I took a few deep breaths. Glancing at my phone I saw it was a little after three in the morning. I knew I shouldn't do it, but I needed to. I needed him, more than ever, I needed him. I shoved my feet into my sneakers, put my phone in my pocket and grabbed the sweatshirt I had taken off earlier. As quietly as possible I headed down the hallway toward the wooden stairs. Carefully dodging the squeaky ones, I reached the bottom and found my mother's bag on the table. After digging out her car keys, I paused before opening the door, making sure they weren't going to catch me, and then stepped outside in the ink black night.
As I started the car up and put it into reverse, I hoped like fuck they couldn't hear it. The hospital was only about a ten minute drive and the car was just starting to warm up as I pulled into the main parking lot. I was able to park close given the hour, and headed inside. While the emergency area was busier, the main lobby was silent as I walked through the automatic doors and headed toward the elevators. Pressing button four, I waited against the back wall, my reflection in the doors blurred and distorted as I dinged past three floors. When the doors opened, I got off and, without even reading the signs, headed for ICU.
As the nurses' station came into view, I began to have second thoughts. It was almost four in the morning, visiting hours obviously not in effect. Pulling my hood up, I lowered my chin and walked purposely past the desk, glancing at each door for Edward's name. Not paying attention to where I was going, it wasn't surprising when I ran smack into a nurse walking out of a room.
"Oh, sorry," she apologized automatically before actually looking up at me. "Jasper?"
"Yeah," I sighed, shifting back and forth on my feet.
"Why are you here at this hour? Everything okay?"
"Um, I'm here to see Edward," I murmured.
"Visiting hours don't begin for several hours," she informed me with a raised brow. She knew I knew damn well when visiting hours were. There was very little that Edward or I didn't know about the hospital.
"I know, but…listen, can I just see him? I promise, I'll be really quick, I swear. Just for a few minutes," I begged. I saw a flicker of sympathy in her eyes before she looked down the hall around me.
"Where's Peri? Is she with you?"
"No, I drove myself," I admitted, biting my lip.
"Does she even know you're here?" she asked and when I didn't reply right away, she shook her head. "She's going to kill me if she finds out."
"I won't tell her," I promised, holding onto some hope.
"Room four-oh-seven. You've got ten minutes and then I'm kicking your ass out, got it?"
"Got it, thanks, Mrs. Fuller," I gave her a weak, but grateful, smile and headed for his room.
"Ten minutes," she called out to me as I turned the corner. His room was three doors down on the left, his door partially open. Praying he was there alone, I pressed my hand against the door and pushed it opened enough to get in.
While my eyes adjusted to the dark room, I could see only the outline of his body. Moonlight streamed in from the large windows next to his bed, casting an eerie glow over him. I could see his head was turned toward the windows and his normally crazy hair was flattened. As with all ICU rooms, the only furniture was a chair, table and his bed, along with the assorted equipment monitoring him.
With slow, heavy steps, I walked toward him, having no idea what I was going to say when he saw me. As I neared his bed, my heart pounded and I flexed my hands a few times. When I glanced around, I saw a cell phone on his table, along with the paperback book The Sun Also Rises that we were reading for American Lit. I almost smiled; it was just like Edward to not let anything interfere with his grades.
"Edward?" I whispered.
He looked so…fragile.
It wasn't that he was thin or even much paler than normal; it was something else, like an aura of complete defeat and grief surrounded him.
He had already given up.
I didn't have to talk to him to hear it, or see it in his eyes to confirm it, I could just feel it. In that room, at nearly dawn, I felt the despair weighing in his heart.
Shaken, I wrapped my arms around my chest, and almost dropped to my knees. I reached out for the edge of the bed, clutching the soft flannel in my hand to steady myself while I stared at him.
Clueless to my presence, he was sound asleep, his eyes fluttering under his lids, his lips pursing and frowning in his restless slumber. In Seattle, his sleep had been peaceful and unknowing. Now it was full of as much torment as his waking hours were. There was no more peaceful rest, now his dreams were full of the things he used to be able to do, of a strong healthy body, or worse, maybe he was plagued by nightmares of the accident, of crushed metal and shattering glass, of blood and bruises.
I longed to touch him, run my hands over his healing face, to feel his warmth, even if only at the tips of my fingers. The swelling had gone down and the bruises had begun to fade, changing from deep purples to muted yellows and greens. The bandages on his head had been changed and were smaller than before. My eyes roamed over his battered face, my mind recalling his features as the perfect ones etched in my memory. Each of his wounds was a reminder of why he was really there. His legs, still long and firm, lay useless under his blanket; my prayers of returning them to him had gone unanswered. In his sleep, his brows furrowed, as if he was thinking, and his lips moved but he made no sound.
Desperately, I wanted to wake him up, show him I was there, that I loved him.
Instead, I sighed and watched him until my ten minutes were up. Mrs. Fuller would be back to check on me any second. Before she came back, I leaned over Edward, putting my face as close to his as I dared without waking him.
"I love you so much, Edward. We're going to get through this, I promise. You and me. I love you."
Wiping my eyes, I turned for the door, my feet feeling heavier than ever as they carried me from his side. At the door, I turned to him one last time.
"Be safe, baby," I murmured.
His reply wasn't his usual 'See ya soon, love.'
"It's all your fault," a faint, raspy voice said from behind the curtain. Gasping, I looked around the room for another person that I knew wasn't there.
"I know," I replied, my fingers wiping the guilty tears from my cheeks. "I'm sorry."
My heart felt crushed, like a vise gripped and twisted it. Even in his sleep, he knew I was the reason he was laying in that room.
Ignoring Mrs. Fuller when she called out to me as I jogged by, I ran for the car. Unlocking it and barely getting inside before I burst, sobs escaping me loudly, viciously tearing through my body in heaving breaths and savage cries. Tears poured from my eyes as I leaned my head on the steering wheel, my sides ached from crying, my eyes were swollen and my heart…was broken.
I don't remember the drive home, my body automatically tiptoeing into the house and up the stairs. I had less than an hour before my alarm was going to go off. Pulling off the sweatshirt, I collapsed onto the bed and buried my head in my pillows, hoping the downy material would silence my cries.
"**~~**"
"You look like shit, Whitlock," Newton whispered from behind me in English. I ignored him and slouched further down in my seat, trying and failing to become invisible. "Where the hell is Cullen? He was supposed to help me on this project, he hasn't been here and he's not answering his phone."
I sighed and leaned back enough so he could hear me. "Family emergency," I partially lied.
"Fuck, how long?"
"Don't know."
"Damn it. Well, if you talk to him, tell him thanks a lot. Now I have to do the fucking project alone."
Like I cared.
Rubbing my eyes, I yawned and checked the time.
An hour until lunch, three until I was done for the day.
How did these people expect me to focus on school when my life was falling apart around me? My future was laying less than fifteen minutes away, grieving for his past and dreading his future, while I had to learn about the difference between a sonnet and a limerick. I didn't give a fuck about trochaic or iambic metres.
Everything had never seemed more useless or more in perspective than it did then. None of it really mattered. Had my life been the same, had Edward been sitting at the desk next to me like normal, I would have been paying attention-well, at least when I wasn't trying to look at him- and I might have even enjoyed the class.
Now, I wanted out. Of everything.
When the bell rang, I left the classroom and headed to my locker. Bella was there waiting for me, looking a bit better than she had at lunch the day before, but she still looked sad.
"Hey," she greeted, moving to the side as I reached for my locker. "You talk to him yet?"
Shaking my head, I opened the door and grabbed a book.
"My dad said the guy was arraigned yesterday."
I turned my attention to her. "What guy?"
"The guy who hit Edward." I knew another car had been involved but nothing more than that. Honestly, I hadn't cared about anything other than Edward. "You didn't know?"
"I knew there was another car but…" I trailed off, losing my train of thought as I began to wonder what had caused the accident.
Slippery roads wasn't usually reasons to arrest someone for causing an accident.
"Jasper, the other driver was drunk. They arrested him at the hospital after the accident."
"Drunk?"
"Yeah."
Edward was paralyzed, his entire future changed because some fuckup couldn't handle his alcohol and then was stupid enough to get behind the wheel of a car. Who had let him drive? A bartender, a friend, host of a party?
"I gotta go," I said.
For the second time in two days, I turned and ran from Bella.
"Jasper?" I heard her call out after me, but by the time I realized I should have stopped, I was sprinting for the exit. Outside the door, I stopped, my sides already heaving, not from the sprint, but from the realization that Edward's injury was even more tragic.
A happy and perfect teenage boy had been on his way to his boyfriend's from work and because of some fucking asshole's decision to get shitfaced and then drive, that teenage boy was going to face the rest of his life from a wheelchair.
Bending over, I put my hands on my knees and took a few deep breaths. I heard the door open behind me, I might have even heard her call my name, but a second later, I was running again.
At my house, I ran upstairs and booted up my computer. After typing in the URL for our local newspaper, I scanned the recent articles.
Teen boy injured in accident
An unidentified teenage boy was severely injured in a two car collision on New Year's Eve. The driver of the other car, James Veli, suffered from minor injuries and was later arrested by local deputies for driving while intoxicated after failing the blood test. His arraignment is scheduled for January third. The status of the boy is unknown at this time.
Stunned, I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes.
Severely injured.
James Veli.
Driving while intoxicated.
I read those words over and over.
"FUCK!" I screamed as loud and for as long as possible. I closed the browser and after pulling my phone out of my pocket, realized I had a missed call. Tapping the voicemail button, I waited for the message.
"Hello, Jasper. It's Esm-Mrs. Cullen. Edward is okay, he was transferred to Forks General and has settled in here for awhile. I know you're probably eager to see him, why don't you call me later tonight and we'll find a good time. I'll tell him you said hi."
Sighing, I hung up.
I couldn't wait until later. I hit her number and waited as it rang.
"Hello?"
I jumped up from my chair, suddenly anxious, and began to pace my room.
"Mrs. Cullen? It's Jasper."
"Oh, Jasper. How are you?"
She sounded better, although definitely not the outgoing mother I knew her to be, the one who could give June Cleaver a run for her money. I heard muffled sounds and a deep voice. My heart leaped at the thought she might be with Edward right then.
"Um, okay I guess. I was calling to see how Edward is and when I can see him," I rushed out all at once.
"Hold on, dear," she said and there was the distinct sound of a hand covering the speaker. Pressing my phone as tightly to my ear as possible, desperate to hear his voice, I closed my eyes and listened. There was mumbling, his deep voice replying to her. She uncovered the phone and I heard her ask "Are you sure? Okay." She paused, and then she spoke to me. "Jasper?"
"Yeah?" I said nervously.
"Sweetheart, he's not really up for any visitors right now. Why don't you check with me tomorrow, okay?"
Devastated, I mumbled, "Okay."
"It's just been," she stopped, and I heard the faint clicking of her heels on the tile, "a hard time for him. For all of us. I know he's going to want to see you, he's going to need you, but right now he's not really feeling much like himself."
"I understand."
But I didn't really. If it had been me lying there, I would want no one but Edward next to me, his voice, his touch, his reassurances. I wanted to give him all those things too, but he wasn't going to let me. I had never felt more lost. When he had been asleep, I could at least visit him. Now he had the choice to see me and didn't want to.
Biting my lip, I tried to not let her know I was crying at his rejection.
"Is there anything I can do?" I asked, hopeful that she could find some use for me, some reason for me to exist.
"He's missing a lot of school. Carlisle and I are going there tomorrow to pick up some things. We're hoping between tutors and some online work, he can keep up. Can you gather his assignments and keep track of them?"
"Sure," I sighed. I had gone from his lover to the person who brings over his homework. It wasn't fair to Mrs. Cullen, I knew it, but I couldn't keep the bitterness from my voice.
"Okay, Jasper, I have to get back to him. I'll try to call you tomorrow, sweetheart."
"Thanks, Mrs. Cullen," I said and then before I forgot. "Tell him I said hi, okay?"
"Of course. Bye, Jasper."
"Bye."She hung up.
I tossed my phone on my nightstand, and then picked up the lamp next to it and slammed it against my door, reveling in the way the ceramic fell to the floor in large shards. Next was the model of Jabba on my dresser, along with everything else I pushed off it with one swipe of my arm along the top. Randomly I moved around my room, throwing everything not nailed down. I pulled out my dresser drawers and dumped them, I ripped my blankets and sheets off my bed, I picked up my desk chair and threw it against a wall, creating a huge dent. Rage flowed through me freely, my pent up frustration finally finding an outlet in destruction.
I left only two things untouched, my computer and my phone. At least I had enough sense to not break either of them.
When I was finished, picture frames were shattered, homework, books and magazines lay strewn everywhere, my curtains were falling off the rods that hung loosely from their hooks, my bed was stripped and there were clothes covering my entire floor. Standing in the middle of it all with my hands fisted at my sides, I felt better, less tense than I had been but my muscles were still bunched and coiled, begging for release.
I needed more.
Yanking off my sweatshirt, I left my tee shirt on as I tugged my jeans off and dug through the clothes on the floor for a pair of running shorts. Once they were on, I grabbed my unharmed phone and earbuds and jogged down the stairs.
Outside, there was a light, cold drizzle falling as I jumped off the porch and put my earbuds in. Without stretching, I broke into a run and headed down the long and winding road. My feet pounded the pavement, stride after stride I tried to outrun the pain that nipped at my heels. My lungs burned as I rhythmically inhaled the cool air, my muscles ached under the strain of my pace, and my mind swirled with thoughts and memories.
But I pushed myself more, forcing my body to its limits, concentrating on the physical pain from running instead of the pain from emotions.
Instead of tears, sweat dripped down my face, my vision blurred as I ran in my own world, the music deafening in my ears but I could barely hear it. I ran faster, relishing in the suffocation my lungs felt, the shallow gasps I drew in with each step. Pumping my arms, I continued to run, ignoring everything around me, trying to block out the images of Edward that flickered through my mind.
His fingertips tracing my lips after our first kiss.
The look of ecstasy on his face as he came when I gave him his first blow job.
The crooked smile on his face every morning when he waited for me by his car.
The battered and bloodied face as he lay still in a dark room.
Shaking my head, I growled and panted while taking longer, faster strides, my pace much faster than any I'd ever done before. My damp clothes clung to my body with a mixture of sweat and rain, I was sure I was cold but my skin had gone numb.
I wished the rest of me would.
When I reached four miles, I kept going, settling into a blinding pace that strained me.
Hours later, I returned home, having lost track of the miles I ran, I had jogged slowly on the way home, fatigue overwhelming my body. I turned down the driveway and saw my mother's car.
"Shit," I mumbled. Having no choice, I went inside. She called out to me as I passed the kitchen.
"Want to explain your room?"
Sighing, I leaned against the wall in the hall and let my head thump against it.
"Jasper?" she coaxed. Never moving to see me, she continued to cook dinner.
"I'll clean it up," I said, starting to go up the stairs. "I gotta shower first."
Not waiting for a reply, I trudged up the steps and into my room where I grabbed clean clothes from my floor and then went to shower.
I was drying off my hair when she knocked on my door, pushing it open a bit to fit through.
"You okay?" she asked as her eyes scanned my devastated room. I threw the towel on the floor and nodded. "Bad day?"
"You could say that." I knelt and began to pick up the broken pieces of the lamp. "Did you know Edward was hit by a drunk driver?"
She paused before replying. "How did you find out?"
I dumped the pieces into my trash. "Bella told me he was arraigned yesterday. Does Edward know?"
She sighed and sat down on my bed. "I don't know. He was pretty upset today. I heard him crying a few times, and then there was some yelling. I'm not sure what he knows about the accident."
"I talked to Mrs. Cullen today. I wanted to see Edward but she said he wasn't up for visitors," I admitted quietly as I started to stuff clothes into my drawers.
"You going to refold those?"
"Nope."
Another sigh. "Jasper, I know this has been difficult on you too, I understand that. Trust me. But life…well, it goes on, and you're both going to have some adjusting to do. Give him some time, sweetheart, he'll come around."
I slammed the drawer closed with a satisfied push and turned to face her. "Will he?"
"Yes."
"He just seems…different." I regretted saying it, thinking she might want to know how I knew he was different.
"Of course he does. He's going through a huge change, and not a good one. There is going to be some denial and anger, and just about every other known emotion. All you can do is be ready when he is, okay?"
"It's going to have to be, I guess." I tossed more clothes in another drawer.
"Do you want some help?"
"Nah, I got it. Thanks."
She stood up and looked around the room again. "Don't stay up all night."
Little did she know that I wanted to stay up all night and wait for him to call.
"I won't," I outright lied.
Turned out it wasn't a lie. After a few more hours of cleaning, I laid on the bed, clutching my phone in my hand and closing my eyes. Exhausted from the run and cleaning, I fell into a light sleep.
The sun was up when I woke up panicking. The Beatles were playing softly in my ear and it took me a few seconds to remember where I was. As soon as my eyes were open, guilt flooded me and I looked at my phone for the missed call.
There were none.
He hadn't called.
"Fuck," I sighed. I couldn't decide which was worse, him not calling at all or thinking I had missed his call. My mother knocked on my door.
"I'm off to work, see you tonight," she said, not even opening the door.
"Okay," I replied, rolling over onto my stomach.
"Any plans today?"
"Just finish up in here I guess," I mumbled through a yawn.
"Okay, bye."
I never replied. After taking a moment to wake up, I grabbed what I thought might be clean clothes and headed for the shower.
School was school. After a few days of ignoring everything and anyone around me, I began to listen more closely and paid remote attention in class. I even went to all my classes. If I was going to be Edward's designated tutor, I was going to do it well. When each class ended, I went up to the teacher, explaining without details what had happened to Edward and that I needed his work. They were all sympathetic and offered their help as they piled the work into my arms. With my earbuds in, I read the latest American Lit assignment as I sat in the cafeteria alone.
I walked the halls alone, I sat in class alone, I felt…alone.
It was one of the longest days of my life, and further proof of how much Edward was a part of my life. Even if he wasn't in my class, I looked forward to lunch with him, or the ride home, or seeing a glimpse of him in the halls. Without him there, I had nothing and I felt his absence in everything.
I just really fucking missed him.
When I got home and walked into my partially devastated room, I was just about ready to give up; I couldn't do it without him anymore.
I needed him.
I dialed Mrs. Cullen's number. Clearing my throat before she answered, I waited while it rang.
"Hello?" she whispered.
"Hi, Mrs. Cullen, it's Jasper again."
"Hold on," she said quietly.
I could hear her move and then she spoke in her normal voice. "Sorry, Jasper. Edward is sleeping and I didn't want to wake him up. He had a difficult night last night."
My heart halted. "Is he okay?"
"He's better now. He had some phantom pain and was screaming it from it."
"Phantom pain? Like a ghost?"
"Sort of. It's when you think you feel pain even though you can't really. In his mind, the pain seems very real even though there is no actual pain in his body."
He was suffering and I couldn't do shit about it.
"They sedated him and he slept the rest of the night. He's still sleeping now."
"Can I see him today?"
"I'm not sure, Jasper. I'll check with him when he wakes up and have him call you if he's up to it, okay?"
"Sure," I said, discouraged and frustrated. "Thanks, Mrs. Cullen. Oh, I got his homework."
"Thank you, Jasper. I know he'll appreciate it. We all do."
"No problem," I replied sadly.
"Bye, Jasper."
I put my phone on the table and began cleaning some more, picking up the homework and stuff I had knocked off my desk. When I bent over to grab one of my binders, I heard a crunch and moved the clothing I had stepped on. Underneath was a picture in a simple frame, now broken and covered in shattered glass. Picking it up, I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at it.
It was Edward and I, taken the previous summer when we had gone camping overnight alone for the first time. It had been my birthday present from my parents. They had even bought us a tent, and let Edward drive us an hour north to a secluded campground. The tent was barely big enough for us to stretch out in, but we managed.
The sun had barely set, our dinner of hotdogs hadn't even been digested when Edward stretched and dramatically yawned by the fire we had built. Claiming he was 'so tired' and needed sleep right away, he got up and headed for the tent, knowing I would be right behind him. Seconds later, I was eyeing the fire, debating on putting it out before following him. Leaving it, I shimmied into the tent and within a minute, we were both undressed and writhing together on the sleeping bags we had laid out. The sun having warmed it all day, the tent was hot and stuffy, and smelled of pure arousal.
Laying there pressed against each other, we listened to the sounds of the night outside, but it wasn't long before we were making sounds of our own.
"Mmmm, so good," he moaned as he climbed on top of me. Our hands were everywhere they could reach, skimming over sweat-slickened skin, tugging on unruly hair and stroking hard cocks. We had brought each other to edge a few times before backing off, wanting to prolong our night. As he lay on me, his eyes dark with desire and a lopsided grin of lust on his face, his hips pressed into mine.
"Wanna try something new?" he asked me, his nose nuzzling along my jaw line as I arched my head back.
"Yeah," I moaned. I was so fucking horny I would have agreed to just about anything right then, even making love. We had been sexually active for a year, taking our time moving from base to base, enjoying each and everyone to the fullest extent before moving on. Call us old fashioned, but we enjoyed the timely exploration of each other's bodies.
"Want to try sixty-nining?" he whispered in my ear as his cock slid along my own. Eagerly, I nodded. We had both become quite good at giving head; it was my favorite thing to do to Edward. Nothing compared to the way he squirmed under my touch, the way he watched me so intently until he couldn't anymore, until he was so close he had to shut his eyes.
And the sounds. The sounds he made, the moans and groans and whimpers, all made me so fucking hard.
When Edward lips were still fused to my neck, I tugged on his hair. "Baby, you gonna move?" I asked breathlessly, eager to start. If he stayed grinding on top of me much longer, I was going to come. "Close, wanna come in your mouth," I begged. I felt his teeth on my skin as he marked me, low enough so it would be covered by my tee shirt.
I loved his possessive side.
Edward rolled off me, a bit reluctantly, and then took a deep breath. Pushing up on my elbows, I watched him next to me, his body firm and needy, his cock hard and thick.
"Fuck, you're beautiful. So fucking perfect," I sighed, running a hand over his chest, down his abdomen and to his cock. I gripped him, pumping him gently.
Blushing, he rolled his eyes. "And you're blind," he teased, embarrassed.
"I have twenty-twenty vision, baby," I returned, pretending to be offended.
"If you keep touching me, there won't be any sixty-nine," he groaned. Pulling his hips from my grasp, he chuckled when I pouted and then turned so his head was at my feet. Straddling my hips, he moved himself back until I had a beautiful, and close, view of his ass. I stared at it until I felt his hot breath on my cock right before I felt his fingers in my curls. When I didn't move, he glanced at me over his shoulder.
"Something wrong?" he asked with a raised brow.
Lust-stunned, I shook my head. "No, just…"
"Then get to it," he chuckled, wiggling his ass in my face.
Didn't need to tell me twice.
Lying down, I pulled on his hips until his cock lined up with my mouth, and then I waited with an open mouth as he lowered himself. His salty taste enveloped my mouth, his skin was velvet soft against my lips.
"Shit," he groaned, his hips instinctively thrusting down, the angle allowing him to push deep into my throat. Holding off a gag, I kept my head still and let him fuck my mouth. My hands didn't remain still though; they were constantly kneading and spreading his ass. Preoccupied with the sensations, he forgot what he was supposed to be doing and his forehead rested on my thigh, his panting breaths washing over my cock as he gave himself over to me. Unabashedly, he continued to move his hips, plunging his cock into my mouth, the vibrations of my moans encouraging him further.
After a few more concentrated thrusts, I felt his tongue along my cock, working from base to tip in long laps. I wanted to beg for more, plead for him to take me into his mouth but all I could do was moan and lift my hips up. He took the opportunity to slide a hand under my ass while the other grabbed the base of my cock. Suddenly, he released me and pulled his cock from my mouth.
"On your side," he gasped. He rolled off me, his hands never leaving my hips. After I shifted my position, the head of his cock rubbing along my lips, I felt his wet mouth take me in.
"Fuck," I groaned, my hips reflexively jerking into his mouth as he devoured every inch of me. "Oh my God, oh my God," I praised, my entire body focused on one thing - keeping his mouth on me. He set a steady rhythm, bobbing his head up and down my cock and I felt him moan in frustration after I had ignored his for too long. Pulling his hips to me, I licked the slit on the flared head of his cock before dipping my tongue in it. He responded with a long shudder.
So I did it again.
Then I moved my lips to his sac, taking in one, then the other, lavishing them both with equal attention, slurping, licking and sucking.
Focusing on him while my own body climbed higher was more difficult than I thought it would be. I had thought I was an unselfish lover, but when I had his mouth on my dick, I didn't think of much else besides how fucking good it felt. When I took his cock back into my mouth, the new angle didn't allow him to go as deep, but I made up for it by hollowing out my cheeks and sucking.
"Yeah," he said, releasing me. His cock pulsed in my mouth and I knew he was already close. The heady, musky scent of him filled my lungs and I eagerly breathed him in with shallow breaths. I stopped moving when I felt his hips taking over, setting his own pace. He slid his cock in and out of my mouth, his body tensing as he neared his orgasm. While his head rested on the inside of my thigh, his hand was still on my cock, languidly stroking it. "Close, so close…feels so good…" he mumbled into my heated flesh. My cock twitched at his words. My fingers spread his ass, one teasing his entrance, and after a few more thrusts of his hips, I felt his cock jerk in my mouth.
"Ugh, coming," he grunted as his entire body stilled and his cock erupted. Short, steady bursts of warm cum flooded my mouth, some dribbling out the sides when I didn't swallow quickly enough. "Fuck, yeah, yeah," he whimpered until his body relaxed while the last of his orgasm flowed through him. Releasing him, I let my head fall onto my arm, my body so tense I felt ready to burst, literally.
"Baby, need it so bad, gotta come," I attempted to explain.
"Sorry," he blushed, lifting his head off my leg. With his cock out of my mouth, he was able to move more freely, and he took me in deep, my cock tapping the back of his throat as he thoroughly worked me. Digging my nails into his thigh, I tried to keep still, to not take over.
"More, more," I pleaded, the warmth in my abdomen beginning to spread outward. He sucked hard and moaned at the same time and I came undone, my cock jettisoning seed down his throat. Grunts and growls and other keening sounds escaped me as my body rocked and quivered with each surge of my climax.
"Oh my…"
"God," I finished for him as he rolled onto his back.
"And every other spiritual being," he chuckled, and then paused, taking a deep breath. "Seriously though, that was amazing. We definitely need to do that again."
I turned myself around so we were face to face and snuggled against him. "Agreed. Like in about ten minutes?"
He laughed, his chest vibrating under my head as I lay draped across his warm, sticky body.
"Where's your phone? We need to take a birthday picture in our birthday suits," he suggested.
"Kinky," I joked. "It's in my backpack."
He reached my bag and felt inside the pocket, pulling my phone out before climbing on top of me again. Laying his back flush against my chest, he rested his head on my shoulder.
"Smile," he warned before taking our picture. We laughed at the result, clearly showing us naked. He repositioned the phone and took another. It was several more attempts before he took one where we looked only shirtless and not completely nude.
Although, if you looked close enough, the satisfied glaze in our eyes and lazy smiles were evidence of our activities.
"Wanna go sit by the fire?" I asked after our picture taking. Nodding, he grabbed the extra sleeping bag and we crawled out of the tent. After setting one bag on the ground, he sat on it, opening his arms up to me and draping the other sleeping bag over his shoulders to hide us. I moved between his spread legs, letting him support my body by leaning back into him. I loved feeling his cock twitch when my back rubbed against it.
He put his chin on my shoulder. "Keep it up, Whitlock, and we will be sixty-nining all fucking night."
I tilted my head and looked at him. "That's a problem how?"
Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulled me closer. Naked and sated, we watched the flames flicker and dance. His long legs stretched out before us, my fingers resting on his thighs, absently caressing them, enjoying the way his sensitive muscles quivered under my light tough.
"This was a perfect birthday," I sighed happily.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Just imagine how good New Year's will be," he whispered seductively. We had already planned when our first time would be, although sometimes I wondered if either of us would make it that long.
"Mmm. Normally, I'm not a fan of winter but I can't fucking wait for it this year."
"Me either," he agreed, moving the hair off the back of my neck to place a kiss there. I trembled, goose bumps rising all over my body. "Gonna be so good, love. You, me…fucking."
I groaned at the thought, his husky timbre going straight to my dick.
"Better than the Violet Drake achievement?"
"I love it when you speak geek," he sighed contentedly. We held each other and watched the fire until it had slowed burned down to smoldering coals. "Ready for round two?"
"Baby, I was ready an hour ago," I said, taking his hand from my waist and putting it on my throbbing cock. "I think you need to take care of me."
"Why don't you step into my office?" he offered, pushing me away from him so we could get up. We returned quickly to the tent, feasting on each other a few more times before finally falling into a deep sleep in each other's embrace to the sounds of the night and murmured words of love.
Forcing myself from the memory, I took the picture out of the frame. Edward's bright smile mocking me as he stood next to me in his fishing hat with stupid lures hanging off it. His arm was around my shoulders as we both grinned at the camera I had held in front of us. Gently, I ran my fingers over his features, tracing his eyes and lips.
With a heavy sigh, I put the picture on my desk and continued to clean. It took hours, but I made slow progress. Sitting at my desk when I was finished, I gathered all of Edward's homework and organized it for him by date and class, even using sticky tabs to write notes on. I heard my father come home, followed shortly by my mother. I hadn't even realized it had gotten so late.
Left with nothing to do, I opened Google on my browser and typed in 'spinal cord injury', amazed when almost two million results appeared. Just as I clicked on the first link, my phone vibrated on the desk. When I saw it was a text message from Mrs. Cullen, my heart leaped, and then raced with anticipation of possibly being able to see Edward.
The message wasn't from Mrs. Cullen, it was from Edward.
Don't try to see me. Leave me alone.
"**~~**"
Thanks for reading~
I know it seems like the boys have been apart a long time, and we are all eager for them to reunite, but remember, in their time it has only been a few days. Hang in there! I promise!
The average cost for the first year after an SCI is $198,000 and over a lifetime (injured at 25 years old) is $428,000. Only 52% of those injured are covered by health insurance. Percentage of SCI individuals unemployed eight years after injury is 63%.
Winter's Night has been nominated for two Slash Awards (Best Banner-on my profile- and Best Angst), be sure to vote for your favorites here: http:/theslashawards (DOT)blogspot(DOT)com/2010/08/now-voting-is-really-open(DOT)html
WN doesn't have a thread on Twilighted, but we do discuss it on the M&A thread, so feel free to join us there http:/www (DOT)twilighted(DOT)net/forum/viewtopic(DOT)php?f=44&t=9674