Sorry for delay, shit week at work. Anyone notice I mentioned my fav singer, Chrissy Amphlett in this story, and she died in NY this week? Only 53. Best rock artist to interview bar none. Genuinely lovely person. R.I.P.

Breastcare Australia is going to use "I touch myself" as the new song in ads for self examination for early breast cancer detection , it was Chrissy's deathbed wish. I think they are tweaking it to "When I think about life, I touch myself'

It's Murder

Chapter 7

It's Murder Sequel

Chapter 7

EPOV

The first thing that needed to be done was the removal of Bella's contraceptive implant. That went to plan, then it was just a case of counting the days and figuring out when she ovulated.

We were both quite confident this conception would happen in the near future and I was optimistic that all would progress as hoped.

Our pregnancy didn't worry me, it was the surrogacy that would follow that caused me concern.

Somehow the idea of Bella undergoing hormone therapy to synchronize her cycle with Rose's, as would be necessary, bothered the Hell out of me.

I knew the drug regime carried risks, and while they may have been acceptable risks to get a couple the only chance to have their own baby, to take those same risks as a gestational surrogate was another thing.

If she went through with this, afterwards Bella would need yearly checks for several conditions, including cancer, for the rest of her life.

The only other way we could do this, traditional surrougacy, was for Bella to be inseminated with Emmett's sperm but while that would be infinitely safer for her, it meant the child would not be Rose's biological offspring, but the issue of my brother and my wife.

I harboured doubts that Emmett and Rose would agree to this, and anyway, it would create a far more difficult sacrifice when Bella had to hand them her own flesh and blood. How would she feel giving away her own baby, no matter how resolved to do just that she was during the pregnancy? How would we feel watching Emmett and Bella's offspring playing along side our child, knowing they were half siblings?

And Rose still would not have a genetic child.

My wife and I talked about it until early morning, unable to sleep until we had it resolved.

"It has to be one hundred percent their own baby, and I have to just be the incubator," Bella concluded by the time dawn broke.

It was really important to make sure she knew exactly what she was agreeing to, so I researched fertility clinics and sought recommendations. Carlisle was extremely helpful though dubious that Bella should do this, so it wasn't just me.

He suggested we seek psychological help early, before considering proceeding, just to ensure we could both cope with what any type of surrogacy entailed.

We were choosing the harder option and it's the path would be riddled with points to consider.

The main concern other than the physical risks, according to the available literature, was the surrogate could become so attached to the fetus during pregnancy that surrendering it could leave her with a form of post natal depression/ post traumatic stress syndrome.

Of course this concerned me.

Hopefully the fact that we would have our own child already would maybe mean this may not occur and as Bella pointed out, if it did affect her, then I would just have to knock her up yet again, so she could have another baby coming that she could keep.

Three pregnancies back to back?

It seemed like a lot to expect from her tiny, slim body.

Another concern was the size we might expect my older brother's infant to be.

He was hardly going to father a six pounder and I worried about Bella being able to carry even our own baby to term, considering my height versus hers.

I prayed every time we made love for a tiny little daughter who took after her mother physically, and didn't cause any medical traumas. Surely the first baby would be kind and stay small enough for Bella to not become too uncomfortable.

Although I worried, I managed to keep it inside my own head because Bella was extremely eager to conceive and could only see the upside of us becoming three.

I managed to hide my panic when she said out loud that she wanted a big, tall,healthy son who took after me.

Or a tiny little petite daughter, that would be even better I silently added, in case the universe was listening.

Naturally I had insisted on a full medical physical examination and blood tests being done on us both prior to unprotected sex and I admit, I did sweat until everything came back clear.

How I managed to avoid ever picking up even the slightest infection amazes me and all I can say is, I am so very lucky.

It goes without saying that I'd never taken any chances but so what? Condoms are just a thin layer between you and the unknown person whose sexual history you can only guess at, and of course, I assume those girls I used probably did these random sex one night stands often.

With God knows how many random men, who in turn had been with however many other randoms themselves.

Clearly I had been insane.

Bella may think she was just as reckless but she actually dated her 'sex providers' for weeks before sleeping with them and only after full testing had occurred.

If only...

There are so many things to regret but even if I can't turn back time and wait for Bella to be my one and only, I still fervently wish I'd stuck to relationships. I wish I had kept myself safer.

Once I informed Carlisle we had been cleared healthwise, he awaited the results of the psychological testing.

We were required to attend the first visit together, to explain what we intended doing, and how we both saw this as a labour of love and a way to give my brother and her best friend the child they desperately wanted.

Then it was time for separate visits, so we could each speak openly and say whatever doubts we may harbour.

Bella's visit was quite short and she emerged more confident than ever that this was the right thing to do.

My session was a little more complex.

"You do realise your support will be crucial. Your wife will be under enormous stress during that pregnancy, and as you intend having your own child beforehand, it will also be even more physically demanding than if you did the surrougacy first."

"I will not consider doing the surrougacy first," I insisted firmly. "I get that it would be good to do it and get it out of the way so we could then go on and have our own family, but something tells me it's too risky. If something went wrong and Bella couldn't have any further pregnancies, she would feel even guiltier than she does now, only towards me. She would never forgive herself for taking away my chance to see her blossom and bloom with our baby inside her."

"That's reasonable," the quack agreed. "On another subject, Bella has disclosed her history to me and we have discussed why she chose the type of relationships she did, and I think it would be useful for you to tell me your own story."

"What has this to do with surrougacy again?" I questioned.

"Dr Cullen, it's important to be sure for both your states of mental health that there is no underlying issues that could emerge once the surrogacy is underway. Just think of it as clearing out the cobwebs before preparing the baby's nursery."

I didn't really understand his reasoning but Bella already knew everything I had ever done, though no names or numbers had been mentioned, and shamefully, I didn't know either fully myself. There was no reason not to tell him everything.

After I lay back and closed my eyes, I related the shameful story of my sex life prior to being with Bella, and he listened without interrupting.

I waited for his judgement when I finished, and opened my eyes again when it failed to come.

"Why did you shut your eyes, do you think?" he asked.

"Because I am now ashamed of what I did," I answered. How obvious. And he called himself a shrink.

"What are you most ashamed of?"

That was easy.

"For using girls as faceless sex toys, with full knowledge I had no intention of ever so much as becoming their friend, let alone wanting to be in a relationship with any of them. I just took what they offered and said 'thanks, goodbye'. It was shallow and selfish."

"Do you think what you did damaged those girls in any way?"

"Of course," I replied. "If they'd been undamaged in the first place, they wouldn't have been offering sex to any man that asked. Therefore I slept with girls who already had issues and added to them."

"Some girls especially now, consider random sex as merely sport, but you are right. There must have women in the number you used who were using sex in a search for love. Whether they were conscious of the fact or not. Every man who used them damaged them to some degree. Of course, the way you used them makes a difference."

"I made it clear I was not offering them anything more than sex," I assured him, feeling slightly virtuous that at least I had never lied.

"And how did you do that?"

"I only picked up girls at places that everyone knew were hook up joints. I asked them if they wanted some fun and games, usually back at their place. I avoided kissing them mostly, or showing any sort of affection. No post coital cuddling. No suggestion of doing this again sometime. No sleepovers, ever. Afterwards, I left promptly or showed them the door, after calling a cab to take them home."

"So you treated them as inflatable sex dolls," he concluded.

"No, never," I blustered.

"Really? Because what would one do with a sex doll but deflate her and shove her away, out of sight, once she ceased to be of use?"

"But these were flesh and blood girls, not sex toys," I replied weakly.

"Exactly. Humans with feelings and hopes and dreams. Some of them were reaching out, hoping if they gave you what you wanted, that you would give them what they needed. Some affection. The touch of a human who wanted to be with them. Instead you treated them all like prostitutes, only no money changed hands. At least prostitutes go into every 'date' knowing all they can expect is to be paid for letting the man use their bodies."

"Okay, we have established that I was a terrible person," I growled. "I behaved badly. That's all in the past. I didn't intend hurting anyone."

"So, do you think you are agreeing to the surrogacy as a way of cleansing your own sins, just as Bella is? Doing the one grand gesture as a way to rebalance the universe?"

"Maybe," I admitted. "The surrougacy will involve me sacrificing how I want our marriage to be, and instead accepting this is something we need to endure. If it's what it will take for Bella to resolve her guilt, then won't it be worth it?"

"And if the child doesn't survive, or is handicapped? Won't that just add more to Bella's guilt? You are a doctor. Some babies die. Some babies are not perfect. I think you are both only considering the best possible outcome. That the infant will be perfect; that your wife will hand it over all smiles and that you will all then move on with your lives.

What if it doesn't happen that way?

Your brother is a large man. Bella is a tiny woman. Medically speaking, there is a risk here that she will not carry his infant to term. Are you all prepared for the fallout if the baby is born prematurely? The risks he will face, of complications from his early arrival? Or are you just closing your eyes and counting on a happy ever after, not matter how unrealistic that may be?"

"I just want Bella to be happy, and if she needs the surrogacy to achieve that, then that's what we will do."

"So, if that pregnancy fails to produce a healthy baby, what then? Does she try again, as many times as it takes to fulfil your brother's needs? Or is it a one shot only deal?"

"I just assumed we'd only do it the once..."

"But you haven't discussed it? Not every pregnancy ends with a healthy infant. And you have considered that the surrougacy may mean no more babies at all, for anyone, if the pregnancy does not go to plan? You will be happy and satisfied with the one child you will already have, and never resent what Bella did that prevented you having more future siblings for your child?"

I hadn't thought of that.

We'd both more or less agreed once Emmett and Rose's baby was delivered and handed over that we would quickly have a second baby of our own, as a reward more or less. As a cure for the emptiness that pregnancy would leave behind.

"We need to explore this further," I stated, and he nodded.

xxxx

BPOV

I can out of psychotherapy even more determined that what we planned to do was right, but it had the opposite effect on Edward.

I expected him to overthink everything, as he always had, but even so, what we wanted to do was a good thing, not a moral dilemma.

He decided he wanted to talk again with the shrink, so each Thursday night saw me alone while he tried to rid himself of the demons that haunted him from his past misdeeds. It took the focus off the waiting for the positive pregnancy test, that was one good thing.

I had nothing to do while he was talking his heart out, so I volunteered to babysit Laird. They enjoyed their weekly night of freedom so much that it became a regular thing. Siobhan and Laurent resumed their courtship on those nights while I experienced the reality of life with a child entirely dependant on me to keep him safe and happy and fed on time.

He could sit up and crawl by now, and his personality was developing in leaps and bounds. Already he could say a few words, though who knows if he realized his babbling even had meaning?

It did to us; we clapped him every time what he said resembled a human word, like Momma or Dadda. I guess this is how vocabulary is established. We applauded the sounds that resembled words and ignored the rest of it as babble, so he learned if he wanted a positive response to repeat the sounds we liked.

Of course I encouraged him whenever he said anything resembling my name, and he caught on. Now I was Belbel. He made no effort to say Edward's name but to our surprise, whenever Rose and Emmett came to visit, Laird would look at my brother-in-law and screech out 'Bear' in joy.

Emmett of course, tossed him around in a way nobody else was game too, and the kid loved him for it.

It became a common sight; the bear like man seemingly treating the infant like a ragdoll. I knew Rose was trying to hide her impatience as month after month went by without a positive result. The longer it took to conceive our baby, the longer she had to wait in turn.

They were here almost every weekend, waiting and watching. Laurents old bedroom became their home away from home.

Rose loved it here. She enjoyed getting away from the sympathetic looks and sad smiles from everyone in Forks who knew her inability to have a child, and in a town of that size, it was almost everyone.

No wonder she wanted to escape on weekends.

She spent hours talking to Siobhan, listening over and over again to her tell the story of her pregnancy.

"It sounds so magical. You are one of the lucky ones. Everything turned out for the best for you.

I suppose you and Laurent will have a dozen kids, seeing you managed to conceive from just the one night," Rose said wistfully.

"Sadly it takes more than love to raise a child. We are both students, and even if I get back to college next year, I'm still going to be a year behind. Not that there is much hope we will find affordable childcare within our budget. Laurent does a nightly shift at Riley's bar but the money isn't great. He still has five years to go, before he gets his degree.

I doubt we'd want another child by the time we can afford to, time and money wise."

"But that's just a waste," Rose protested.

"Actually, Rose, seeing what Bella is going to do for you has given me an idea. I could do that, for some other couple. I mean, I'm home with Laird anyway, for the foreseeable future, and it would help with the budget. I loved being pregnant.

It was like I finally had permission to not feel bad about being a larger framed woman.

I used to dismiss the idea as baby selling, but meeting you and Emmett,and knowing Bella, I can see it really is a labour of love. And the fact the child is not related to the surrogate makes it all seem nicer, somehow. I could never give my own child away, but I'm quite sure I could carry someone else's and gladly hand it over if it meant we could get a deposit together and get a mortgage for a house of our own.

I know Edward wouldn't mind how long we stayed here, but I have always wanted a home of my own, that I could decorate and make a garden; all those things you can't do when you live in rented accommodation."

"Well, I guess surrogacy could be your own little cottage industry," Rose replied.

"I had a text book pregnancy and delivery,so there's every reason to expect I could do it again and again. Ask Edward. He thinks I'm an ideal broodmare. These here hips are what's known as child bearing hips. He wouldn't think twice about me carrying a baby for someone built like your Emmett. It's not like I'm skin and bone like some people around here. Let's just say, some of us are blessed with bodies built to carry babies. I may never get to wear a bikini, but I'm sure I could go through enough surrogate pregnancies to repopulate half the town where you come from."

Of course it gave Edward ideas.

"Bella, just think about it. Our babies could be the same age, if Siobhan carried for Rose. You could still have their second baby, if they wanted one in the future. Just think about it. She and Laurent are dreaming if they think they can ever afford their own place. The upkeep and rates, and everything else on top of the mortgage would keep them broke.

But if we gifted them this house in return for Siobhan helping Emmett and Rose to have a family, everyone's future would be brighter.

They could keep renting out rooms to students, so have an income from that, and she could decorate the place over and over to her hearts content, and have her gardens. There's plenty of room out the back for a full sized vegetable garden and a small orchard, in fact.

Their lives would be so much easier, and Laird would benefit. Maybe they'd even have a sibling for him, if they could afford to do that in the not so distant future. It could be considered a selfless act on your part, to stand back and let Siobhan do this."

Fuck me, the man could sell ice to eskimos.

I went to bed feeling guilty for even wanting to do the surrogacy myself and thus denying Laird any siblings, and preventing my newer friends from owning a home of their own.

"Fine," I capitulated in the early dawn, having barely slept. "Put it to everyone and let's vote. That's the way things are done in this house. If more people want Siobhan to do it, then I won't put up any objections."

xxxx

Naturally Siobhan and I were told to leave the room once Edward explained what he had come up with. The only voters would be Emmett, Rose, Laurent, and Edward.

Siobhan had jumped on board, declaring the idea brilliant.

I'd looked at Rose to gauge her reaction, and I saw her look at me and look at Siobhan and I could read her mind. She was thinking their baby had a much better chance of being carried to term inside my competitor.

Laurent dearly wanted a way for his family to have their own home, so no need to waste time guessing how he would vote.

Emmett probably didn't care either way, so long as he got to become a father.

And Edward would do anything to protect me and save me from myself.

I knew what the result was before they called us back inside.

Rose was standing there nervously, and she stepped forward and put her arms around me.

"Please don't think this in any way belittles your wonderful offer, but it just came down to safety for both the surrogate and the baby, and the time factor, and the fact Siobhan and Laurent need the money and you don't."

"I didn't expect you to pay me," I mumbled.

"Hey Bellarina, this way our kids can grow up together. Now the pressure is off, I bet my brother will knock you up tonight. It's all for the best. We love you, and we love that you offered, but this is the best answer. Rosie would have found it hard seeing you get all fat from having my super sized son inside your skinny little belly. Siobhan's done it all before. It's all good, Bella."

I didn't quite see where I had gotten to make my personal sacrifice but it seemed the vote had gone three to one, and I'd lost.

To be honest, I was confused about who had voted for me.

Nobody would say, and Siobhan pointed out it was hardly a secret ballot if I knew, but that just enraged me further.

"Look, I'm giving in gracefully here. I'm not arguing and causing any fuss. I just want to know who voted for me. Is that so much to ask? Was it you, Emmett?"

Who else could it be?

"Nope, Babybells. Not me. My kid needs more room than you can hope to offer. It wasn't me."

"Rose?" I asked.

"No. I liked Edward's solution. It just seemed safer for all and more practical."

"Laurent?"

Why would he vote against the chance to own this house?

"It was Edward," Rose replied.

"Edward?"

I looked at him in shock. He hated the idea of me doing it more than anyone else..

"I know how badly you want to do it. Why would I vote against you?" he said softly, taking my face into his hands and kissing me gently.