Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.
A/N-Well, I thought the last chapter was angsty, this one I don't know, but the end has gotten me every time I've read it. We need to add 'don't read while in the presence of children' to the list (they ask questions when they see someone crying.)
I normally don't mention songs in A/N, but listen to He Ain't Heavy on repeat when you get to the last scene. Trust me. ( http:/www DOT youtube DOT com/watch?v=C1KtScrqtbc )
Thank you, thank you for all the reviews and favorites and alerts. The support this story has received blows me away.
Thanks to OfTheTurningAway for her beta on this chapter.
Hugs to Dannie, who told me the end is exactly what I wanted it to be.
Now Edward pov
"**~~**"
If on a winter's night if he hadn't been so stubborn…
"**~~**"
I knew he was there before he had walked into my room, before I had even heard him talking to my parents. There was a connection Jasper and I had always had, whether it was something as corny as our souls recognizing each other and reaching out for their missing half or something less complex, but no less magical.
I simply sensed his presence.
Much like I had in the hospital, I felt a warmth when he was near, I felt his emotions emanating from him, stretching down the hall, through the wood and into the room where they surrounded and suffocated me.
Anguish, anxiousness, and overwhelming guilt.
A corner of my lip turned up in satisfaction at the last emotion. It was almost the most powerful one I felt, second only to…
Shaking my head, I refused to admit that emotion anymore. It had done me no good and would serve no purpose in the future. It was a constant conflict inside me, the battle between admitting I still felt it and denying its existence all together. My mother had once told me that there was nothing more powerful than love, not money, evil, or lust. She said that love conquered all and that it was all we needed in life. Foolishly, I had believed her. How could I not? I had witnessed love's strong grasp. I had seen my parents survive daily ups and downs and my father's crazy hours at the hospital. I had stood next to Jasper while his parents fought daily, their marriage on the brink of divorce until they reacquainted themselves with their love and let it guide them through the darker times.
How could I not believe in the power of love when it had led me to a beautiful boy who stole my heart with his pure soul, sparkling eyes, dimpled smile and honey-colored hair?
A boy.
I was never supposed to love a boy. Not that my parents we anti-gay, it was more that they just assumed it wasn't something they would ever have to face. After all, their son was straight and dating a pretty girl who was utterly devoted to him. But it was the love of a boy that had lured me away, who had showed me what love really was, and it wasn't uncomfortable silences and awkward touches in the backseat of a car.
Love was being able to speak without talking, it was an ache that denied you breath when you were apart, it was hands and lips exploring areas that you realized you were always meant to know.
Love was Jasper.
Like thousands of times before, I heard his footsteps, and their hesitation, in the hall. Keeping my eyes trained on the pool, I heard the light knock. Even though I refused to let it, my heart raced with the thought of him being only a few feet away.
His scent, his voice, and his body were all within touching distance for the first time in weeks.
He knocked again and then opened the door.
The anxiousness I had felt from him when he had first entered the house disappeared as soon as he stepped into my room. It was replaced by pity when he saw me the portable prison that was now my home. When he began to sing, my heart stopped. Stealing myself for the onslaught of emotions that always hovered around him, I tensed every muscle I could, my upper body tiring quickly as my hands gripped the arms of the chair until my knuckles turned white.
Why was he even fucking here? Did anyone really think I gave a shit about school?
It took all my energy to just sit there, to just listen to him as he ignored my requests to leave and began to recite our schoolwork. Jasper's stubbornness had been something I had been on the receiving end of more than once. Most recently it had been because of my coveted Abbey Road tee shirt, ironically one he had given to me only a few months before.
My parents had gone out for the night and Alice was at a friend's, leaving Jasper and I alone at my house. There was some stupid horror movie on TV that Jasper had insisted we watch. While he watched the movie, I watched him. I was sitting on the couch with my feet on the table and Jasper was lying with his head on my lap. My cock loved every time he laughed and his head bobbed up and down.
"Dude, I can totally feel your erection poking my ear," he said absently, his eyes never leaving the TV.
"Stop teasing me then," I countered, my hand weaving into his hair, separating his curls one by one. It was my favorite hobby. Well, besides sucking his cock. He had once teased me that maybe instead of a pianist I should be a hair stylist. I had told him I guess was good with my hands and then I pushed him into the pool.
"I'm not teasing you, I'm watching the movie," he reminded me.
"Love, your head is in my lap. That totally constitutes teasing."
I groaned when he laughed. Tilting his head back, he looked up at me, the mischievous glint in his eye one I had seen often.
"I'll make a deal with you. You let me wear this tomorrow," he said, tugging on the hem of my Abbey Road tee shirt, "and I'll give you a bj every day before school for the next week."
I had many Beatles tee shirts, about a dozen at last count, everything from the psychedelic tie-dyed Sgt. Pepper's to the simplistic Hard Day's Night, but Abbey Road was my favorite. Nothing came between me and the faded black tee shirt. He knew that.
'What if something happens to it?"
"Nothing will happen to it," he replied. "Promise."
"And if I say no?"
He turned back to the TV. "Then you don't get anything."
I had thought he meant I wouldn't get the head before school, but no, he meant anything. He refused to kiss me or hold my hand much less anything more physical. After four days, I was going insane and called him late one night.
"Please, Jas, give me something," I begged.
"Gonna let me wear the shirt?" he replied and I could hear the smile in his voice. He took my silence as a no and the battle of wills continued, one I knew I was going to eventually lose, but kept fighting anyway.
Then I got a brilliant idea. I had gotten off to Jasper's voice before, if I just kept him talking about anything, I could jerk off while he was on the phone. Thinking I was finally going to get some relief, I yanked my pajama pants down past my throbbing erection and wrapped my hand around it. I then heard movement on the other end of the phone, the distinct sound of skin on skin as he began to masturbate. He proceeded to fill my ears with moans and whispers of how good it felt and how hard he was. I wanted to hang up, teach him a lesson, but I was enraptured by every noise he made. Stroking myself to his sounds, I chuckled thinking he was helping me get off even if he didn't want to. Then he grunted, and I could practically see his back arching off his bed as his cock pulsed and shot his cum all over his chest.
"That was great, felt so fucking good stroking my hard, thick cock like that, but I gotta go. I love you, be safe, baby."
Then he was gone.
Leaving me hard as a rock to fuck my own fist.
Again.
"Fuck," I muttered, forced to finish myself to my imagination instead of the real thing.
He teased me relentlessly for the next three days; coming over to swim and diving off the side of the pool all sleek and wet, eating spaghetti for dinner and licking the sauce off his lips, and bending over in class to pick up his books, his tight ass right in my face. He would lean across me at lunch to reach his books, brushing his arm along mine, or drink his water extra slow, knowing I was watching his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed, imagining he was swallowing something besides water. Jasper knew what buttons of mine to push, and he pushed them all. Each move he made was an effort to entice a response from me and he was a fucking master at his art. After two more days, my dick was chafed from all the self pleasure and was aching for his lips. In school the next day, I walked up behind him at his locker.
"You win," I sighed, hanging my head in defeat. Even with his back to me, I knew he was wearing a shit eating grin.
"Win what, Edward?" he said my name in a velvety drawl.
I fucking hated him.
Leaning a shoulder against a locker, I glared at him. "You can wear the shirt."
Finally turning to me, he cocked an eyebrow. "Had a change of heart? What brought that on?"
"Shut the fuck up. My dick is fucking raw because of you."
Wide eyed innocence fit him well. "I didn't do a thing," he denied with a smirk.
"Exactly."
Laughing, he looked around before leaning toward me. With his lips at my ear, his breath on my neck, he spoke. "I knew you'd come around, baby. Just a matter of time. Wear it tomorrow, then I will be by tomorrow night to get it and thank you all proper like."
"Thank me how?"
"With exactly how I promised," he said, winking. My twitched at the thought of finally getting some real relief.
"Why do you want me to wear it first?"
"So it smells like you."
Oh.
He slammed his locker closed and headed to class, wiggling his ass along the way.
Fucking tease.
The next day, he did everything he could to draw my attention to his lips. Just when I felt like I was going to explode from frustration, he showed up on my doorstep that night and dragged me up to my room. After he took off his own shirt, he peeled my Abbey Road tee shirt off me and then pulled it over his head. I had to admit, it looked fucking incredible on him. Bringing the hem to his nose, he inhaled deeply.
"Smells so fucking good," he muttered before dropping to his knees and undoing my pants. I barely got my door closed before my aching cock was seeking the depths of his throat. Wrapping his full lips around me, he watched me from under his lashes as I thoroughly fucked his face until I came hard in his mouth, my cock erupting in long streams of cum down his throat. After, I thanked him, and his stubborn streak.
At school the next day, seeing him strut confidently down the hallway in my tee shirt was one of the sexiest things ever, and I wondered why I'd never thought of it sooner.
I never expected the same stubbornness that had made him tease me mercilessly for over a week to be the same one that kept him on my bed reading to me in a shaky voice. My mother came in, claiming she wanted to know if we wanted anything but I knew she just wanted to check up on me. His being there was her fault. Somehow she had arranged for him to be the one who helped me.
I didn't need his fucking help.
After she left, Jasper finally confronted me, challenging the way I had spoken to her with a fight I knew he had in him but had rarely seen. Rage flowed through me, taking the place of any other emotion I had been feeling, every working nerve in my body fired and heated. Without thinking, I turned the chair, facing him for the first time since the day of the accident.
As angry as I was, I wasn't prepared to see him again. Nothing could have prepared me for the look of sheer defeat on his face. There were dark circles under his tired eyes. His cheeks were pale and his lips chapped and dry. Wheat colored hair was unwashed and tangled, his clothes wrinkled and dirty.
But he still took my breath away.
He was acting brave, his stubborn streak providing what courage he had, but I saw his eyes and they were dark with uncertainty. He was weak and ripe for the taking. Like a lion hunting his prey, I stared at him, catching him in my gaze of contempt and disgust. Each second that passed, I felt him weaken, cowing further into a corner.
To look at him, to see him, brought me nothing but agony.
I finally broke the silence, telling him what I really thought of him. Channeling all the anguish and loathing that had been building in me for weeks, I released the pure rage on him. Through clenched teeth I told him how useless and worthless he was. Each word stung him, I saw it in the tears that rolled down his cheeks. He was a raw, opened wound and I was pouring salt on it.
I reveled in the anger. It fed me, gave me control and power in a situation where I was completely powerless over something as basic as taking a piss.
He hurt and I thrived on it.
Worse yet, I meant every word I said.
Finally, he got up and left, but not before telling me he loved me. Holding it together until I knew he was out of my house, I turned the chair back to the window and fell apart. I allowed myself a few minutes of crying, of wallowing in what once was. It tore me apart, my insides were twisting and churning, and I felt like I was being dissected. By the time my mother came back in, I had gathered myself, the mask was back in place, my heart had hardened once again and the walls were slowly being rebuilt. When she knelt in front of me to undo my pants and pull my limp cock out, my eyes trained on the covered pool, unaware that I was losing focus on the outside world.
"It was nice to see Jasper again," she said and I ignored her. "I think it will be good for you to concentrate on some schoolwork. Focus on something other than….this," she finished, nodding to the chair. Swiping the head of my cock with iodine, she removed the tube and put it aside and began to insert a new one. "Once the OT comes tomorrow, you will probably be able to do this on your own."
From my higher position, I glared down at her. "Just what I want, someone else handling my dick," I snarled.
"Don't speak like that," she scolded me quietly.
"What? You can touch my dick but I can't say the word? Would you prefer cock, penis, shaft, johnson, dong, cum-"
"EDWARD!" she yelled as she stood up. Smirking, I looked up at her, my dick hanging out of my pants. She stared at me, trying to find some semblance of her son in the broken boy before her. When she found nothing but cold, dark eyes and mean smile, she straightened her hair and took a deep breath.
"Put your…yourself away. Dinner will be here soon."
She left and I looked down at my lap, my cock laying there with a thin, clear tube coming out of the slit. Sighing, I reached down and gently stuffed myself back in my pants before doing them up with fumbling fingers.
When my mother came in later with a few pills to 'help me rest', I eagerly put them in my mouth, gulping down the water she gave me. Then I sat back and waited for the numbness to claim me.
"**~~**"
The sunlight was warm as it filtered through the canopy of leaves above us. His body sparkled as the light hit the water that had beaded on his skin. When he felt me looking at him, he turned his head, opening one eye.
"I can feel the lust floating off ya, baby. I thought you wanted to come out here to swim?"
The river flowed before us, bubbling and rushing downstream as we lay on the shoreline to dry off.
"Swimming is overrated," I said, inching closer so that our arms were touching from shoulder to fingertip.
"Mmm, that is it. But as I recall when I tried to get a little action back at the house, you said 'No, Jasper, we need to leave'."
Sighing at him, I turned my head toward the sun and closed my eyes. "Fine," I conceded. Instantly, I felt his breath on my bicep as he placed a kiss there.
"You disappoint me, Cullen. Giving up so fast. I've been in tougher situations in WoW when I've been trying to get to level eighty and I've learned you can't give up."
Desperately, I tried to stop the smile but it was useless against his warm breath, the fucking sexy tone of his voice, and his hand skimming over my chest. His lips moved along my shoulder as he leaned over me.
My hand went to his, pushing it down over my growing erection. I felt his lips vibrate against me in approval.
"Never give up, huh? You sound like a Disney movie."
Pulling his lips away from my body, he looked down at me. "I'm just saying that you can't ever give up on what you want."
I lifted myself to my elbows, his body moving in perfect sync with mine. "And what do you want?"
He didn't answer right away like I expected him to. There was no witty comeback, no words laced with sarcasm. Instead, he gazed at me, his eyes searching mine for something I didn't know but he must have found it because eventually he smiled.
"I want to tell you something," he said quietly. "Something important."
Intrigued, I quirked a brow. "I already know you're sporting a hard on."
"I'm serious, Edward," he sighed.
"Okay, sorry," I mumbled guiltily.
"When I first met you, I knew I wanted you, and not just your body, but everything about you. I wanted to know your dreams, your secrets. But even though you were…umm…straight and dating Bella, I never gave up hope that someday you'd…well, you'd be with me like this."
"You mean wet, half naked and hard?" I grinned.
"Edward, I love you," he blurted out, a blush rushing to his cheeks immediately after his admission. It was the first time the word love had been used between us to express emotion. We had said 'oh, I love it when you suck my cock', but nothing that defined what we were, or what we had felt all along.
"You what?" I asked, trying hard to contain my pounding heart. I would have done just about anything to hear him say it again.
Exhaling slowly, he repeated it. "Edward, I love you. I've been in love with you for a long time. You don't have to say it back, but I wanted you to know how much you mean to me. I won't ever love anyone the way I do you. Being with you, near you, it's just…perfect. Everything about you amazes me. You make me so fucking happy that I want to burst into song."
He paused, a smirk on his face before he began singing softly.
"Love, love me do.
You know I love you,
I'll always be true,
So please, love me do."
"C'mere," I whispered. Leaning forward the few inches that separated us, I pressed my lips to his, sweeping them across a few times before curving a hand behind his neck and deepening the kiss. He responded with a moan, our tongues entwining as we kissed lazily. He had the most beautiful lips, full, soft, lush and so fucking kissable. I could easily kiss him for hours. In fact, we'd had many marathon make out sessions, usually in my room while my parents were downstairs. His hips were bucking against my thigh when he finally broke the kiss. I wouldn't let him move far though, keeping his forehead to mine.
"I love you, too," I admitted breathlessly, the words falling naturally and easily from me. If I was completely honest with myself, I had been in love with him in some way since the first day I had seen him. His face lit up like a boy on Christmas morning, his eyes shining with uncontained happiness.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. For a long time."
"See what can happen when you never give up?"
"Never give up," I echoed with a smile before pulling him back to me for another kiss. His body moved to lay flush on mine, sinking into me as we celebrated our love.
The curtains were rudely pulled aside, allowing the sun to cut across my closed eyes.
"Edward?" my father's deep voice pulled me from the dream. Opening an eye, I saw him standing next to my bed while my mother opened up the rest of my curtains. "Ready to get up?"
My father was there to help my mother get me ready for the day. They had developed a routine. They would wake me together, and then my mother would change my catheter while my father shaved. When he returned, they would pull off my pants, roll me to my side and he would hold my leg up for my mother while she stuck a gloved finger in my ass for a few minutes. Then my father would carry me to the bathroom and sit me on the toilet. He would then turn on the water in the sink and hand me my toothbrush. While they waited for me to shit, my father would dress for work and my mother would go start breakfast. When I felt I was done, I'd yell and they would come back for me. My father would carry me into the bedroom and help my mother dress me before he'd put me in the chair, kiss my hair and leave for work.
That was what had become of my life.
The guy who would have gotten himself ready, driven to his boyfriend's house for a good morning kiss, then sat in six hours of classes and basketball practice was now reduced to doing nothing but staring out a dirty window, watching the world fade away.
My breakfast sat uneaten on the bed while I bumped and pushed my way to my desk. I booted up my computer, typing 'spinal cord injury' into the search engine, shocked when over two million hits came up.
"Maria is here," my mother said from my doorway. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw the woman from the hospital standing next to her.
"Hello, Edward," she greeted.
"Get the fuck out," I snapped before turning back to the computer.
"Edward," my mother sighed. They must have exchanged a look or two because next thing I knew, my mother was gone and Maria was alone with me in my room.
"Are you ready to begin?" she asked.
"Fuck off."
"That's not going to help," she replied, walking around my room. "Why don't you come over here and we'll start easy. I can show you some basic exercises you can do in the chair to start building up your upper body strength."
Hanging my head back, I growled. "Leave me alone. I am plenty strong enough without your help."
"Oh, I see. You're a tough man and don't need anyone's help."
"Exactly. Now leave."
The bed squeaked when she sat down on its edge. "I've dealt with your type before. You don't scare me."
"I'm not trying to scare you, I am trying to get you the fuck out of my room."
"Are you going to do the physical therapy on your own? Who's going to help you work your legs?"
Clumsily, I turned my chair to face her. "Does it fucking matter? They are useless anyway, who the fuck cares if they are in shape."
She glanced down at them and then let her eyes travel appreciatively over me. "Do you know what happens to muscles when they don't get used? They shrivel up. They will be nothing but skin covering bone."
I shrugged. "I don't care. Now get out."
Sighing, she stood and walked to the door. "Think about it. I'll be back tomorrow."
"Don't bother."
Maria left and my mother appeared in her place.
"Edward, you can't talk to people like that. I know you're hurting right now, but that doesn't give you the-"
"GET OUT!" I roared.
I swear the walls shook from the anger in my voice. Gasping, she stood stunned, like a deer caught in headlights, and stared at me. My nostrils flared with the large gulps of air I took in, my hands clenching the handrims tightly, as if I could do more than just fucking sit there. Stepping back, she looked down and then closed the door with a gentle click. Closing the computer, I wheeled myself to the window, my eyes automatically falling to the hazy snow covered pool. I refused to wipe the tears that fell. If I wiped them, then I was acknowledging their existence. Every few minutes, I would hear the door open briefly before it would close again. She brought lunch in, setting it on my bed. I never even turned to see what it was.
Time stood still even though I witnessed the sun pass through the sky. I thought of nothing and everything. My mind moved quickly through memories, interrupted only by my realizations of how much my life had changed. How those memories would never happen again.
The things I would never do began to invade my mind, tightening the band around my heart and solidifying those walls. It was to those thoughts that I fell asleep in the chair, my head bolting up when the door opened again and my mother entered.
"Edward, the occupational therapist is here. Her name is Jane," she introduced hesitantly.
"Leave," I sighed, exhausted.
"We're good, Mrs. Cullen, thanks," Jane said in a high pitched voice. "Hello, Edward." She walked over to me, setting a bag on the floor. "We've got a lot of stuff to cover, but we're going to start today with teaching you how to change your catheter."
She dramatically snapped on a pair of gloves and I rolled my eyes. Confident, she kneeled in front of me and looked up at me.
"Do you want to undo them?" she asked, motioning to my pants. If she was going to insist on staying, I might as well have a little fun.
"Have at it," I smirked, waving a hand toward my crotch. I watched as her tiny hands worked my button open and then lowered my zipper. Opening the flaps of my jeans, she reached into the hole of my briefs and pulled out my cock. She was pretty enough, straight blond hair and big brown eyes.
"While you're down there, I haven't gotten any head for awhile, what do you say about wrapping those pretty red lips around my cock? Do you mind?" I smirked, satisfied.
"Yeah, I do actually," she mumbled. Laying my cock across her opened palm, I watched as she reached for the iodine swabs.
"Get your hands off my dick," I growled when my other approach hadn't worked.
Ignoring me, she continued "First, make sure the head is clean, use at least one swab-"
"I said, let go of my dick."
"Then squeeze the head to open the slit so you can slide the tube out. Remember it's natural for your penis to twitch for a few minutes. You can wait for it to stop before proceeding. These bags are one time use only, so you put the catheter in, empty your bladder, and then remove it. You won't have to keep it in all the time. It will be more convenient for you."
"Lady, if you don't let go of me, I am going to sue you for sexual harassment."
Apparently, those were the magic words and she let me go.
"Fine. I will tell your mother to come change it for you."
She quickly gathered her things and left me sitting there with my dick hanging out.
"Two down, one to go," I snickered to myself. "Mom, come put my dick away," I called out over my shoulder. Obediently, she came in and did as asked, never saying a word.
I spent the rest of the day preparing myself for him, for the rush of emotions I knew would assault me when he entered my room. Each minute that passed, I built up strength, I would need every ounce when he came. He would not be nearly as easy to get rid of as the girls had been.
I took a few deep breaths when I felt him enter the house and then heard his hushed voice in the kitchen and heavy footsteps in the hall. Walking in, he made himself comfortable on my bed and began to talk to me about physics.
As if I fucking cared.
Keeping my jaw tense, I tried not to listen as he spoke, as his velvety soft voice, roughened with tears, washed over me. I tried not to look over my shoulder to catch a quick glimpse of his waves or long body. I tried not to let my heart beat for him.
I tried not to love him.
Behind me, I heard the scratching of a pencil as he filled in the homework I was supposed to be doing. I imagined the way his hand moved over the paper, the way he held the pencil tight in his fingers. Closing my eyes, I felt those same fingers in my hair, running through gently as I lay my head on his shoulder and released all that I was, exposing all the fears I felt, the guilt and shame in the way I was treating everyone. He would understand, he would console me, comfort me and promise to love me no matter what I had done. It would be so easy to welcome his love, to use it and let it nurture me.
It would also be wrong.
While he spoke, I dreamed. I dreamed of those days in school when I would look outside and wonder about our future, where we would go to college or get married. It had been so easy for us, so easy and natural to love him, to let him love me.
It could never be that way again.
Suddenly, he wasn't talking about homework anymore, but reminding me of when he'd broken his ankle the year before. I remembered his frustration, only a fraction of what I was feeling.
"Come on, Jas, just a few more feet," I encouraged him as I guided him down the hall. Grunting, he awkwardly maneuvered himself on the crutches, bumping into the wall as he finally reached his bedroom.
"Fucking crutches," he muttered as he fell onto his bed, tossing the crutches to the ground. "Hate the fucking things."
I picked them up and laid them near his bed where he could reach them when he needed to get up again. He didn't thank me, instead he attempted to move himself on his bed, the heavy cast around his foot hindering his normally lithe movements.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he sighed when he knocked his phone off his table. Picking it up, I put it back and then sat on the edge of the bed next to him. Exhaling heavily, he looked at me. He had been skiing with his parents and while Jasper was normally a decent skier, he had fallen just right and ended up with a broken ankle and six weeks in a cast.
"What the fuck am I going to do?"
"About?" I rubbed a hand up and down his thigh.
"Track. If this is on for six weeks, I'll miss the first meet for sure. I won't be eligible for the regionals. Why the fuck did this have to happen now?" There was anger and frustration in his voice, his eyes were wild as they darkened. Leaning his head back, he banged it against his headboard.
"Fuck."
"Aw, love," I sighed in sympathy. Reaching out, I tapped his door closed with my foot before moving closer to him. "It'll all work out."
"All that work this winter is shot to hell. All that running in the fucking snow and ice, freezing my fucking balls off, all for fucking nothing." His fists clenched at his side as he resisted the urge to strike out and hit something. I was an easy target. I would have let him hit me.
"Could they make an exception? Maybe if you went to the committee or something?"
"They don't make exceptions, Edward," he snapped and I recoiled at his anger. "Just go," he said closing his eyes. I knew he wasn't angry at me, he just feared saying something hurtful.
"I'll go, but I'm coming back later," I warned. Standing, I placed a kiss on his forehead and then left. Less than two hours later I was back, homework in hand and sitting in his desk chair while I went over it with him. He complained and whined the entire time, but he did it. I promised for every right answer, we could kiss for a minute.
We kissed for a long time that night.
His voice knocked away the memory. "Well, I'm not going anywhere either, so you better fucking get used to seeing me around here. I'll see you tomorrow."
The door closed behind him and I sighed in relief.
Relief he was gone.
Relief he was coming back.
There was knock a few minutes later and my mother entered.
"Your father is insisting he and I go out for dinner. We won't be gone more than an hour. Alice is going to order pizza."
I nodded, continuing to stare out the window until she got up and left. It wasn't long before my door was opening and Alice entered.
"I'm going to order dinner, what kind of pizza do you want? Sausage?"
"I don't care."
"Veggie? Extra cheese?" she continued endlessly.
"Alice, I don't care. Order whatever you want."
She was quiet, but didn't leave the room, instead she walked around, examining everything. I heard her picking things up and putting them back down.
"Alice?"
"Hmm?"
"Leave…please."
"Okay," she mumbled and left my room. I watched the sun set behind the trees, my body going more numb with time. When my door opened again, I hung my head.
"Fucking Grand Central Station," I muttered under my breath.
"Dinner will be here soon," my mother said.
I hesitated before answering, speaking to the window when I finally replied. "I'm not hungry."
"Edward," she sighed, moving closer. "You haven't eaten all day. Remember the doctors said you needed to keep a balanced diet and make sure you get enough protein."
"I don't think takeout pizza will fill those requirements. I'm not eating," I finished in a definite voice.
"Fine. I should change your catheter before we go so you don't have to worry about it." Without waiting for a response, she went over to the table and grabbed two gloves. She kneeled before me, keeping her eyes on her hands as she undid my pants and pulled my cock out. I didn't feel her hands on me, or the cool swipe of the iodine or the catheter being pulled out inch by inch. After it was out, she waited while my cock twitched from the intrusion.
"The man who hit you was arraigned. He was charged with DWI, reckless driving, and-"
"What are you talking about?" I asked, confused, my eyes snapping from the window to her.
"The man who hit you. He was arraigned, but he made bail," she said as she took my cock back in her hands, squeezing the head to open the slit before wiping it again. I was stunned in the way she had delivered the revelation so calmly. I saw the tube slowly being inserted, and for once, I didn't care she was touching me.
"No. What do you mean he hit me?"
"Edward, what do you remember from that night?"
I was supposed to make love with Jasper.
I thought about it - quick, hard images from that night raced through my mind.
"Not much. I left work, the car slipped a bit on the roads, but they didn't seem too bad. I called Jasper to let him know I was on my way and after I hung up…" I shook my head and closed my eyes. "There were bright lights, like out of nowhere in front of the car, and I swerved to try to avoid them and they just got closer and closer until…"
Locking tires, crunching metal, shattering glass.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I bought my hands up to my ears, covering them as I rocked back and forth.
"No, no, no…"
"Ssshh," she offered, quickly putting my penis back in my pants and doing them up. "Edward, Edward, it's okay."
Shaking, but not crying, I opened my eyes and looked at her.
"He was drunk?"
She nodded. "He swerved into your lane, sweetheart. And with the snowy roads, there was no way for you to avoid him. He hit you head on."
I had vaguely remembered the doctor mentioning I had been hit head on, that someone else had been involved, but after that, I had been so focused on myself that I had completely blocked it out.
"He's okay?"
"For the most part, yes. I think he suffered a broken arm, lots of cuts and bruises, but overall he's alright."
"But he was drunk?" I asked again.
"They tested his blood at the hospital, he was well over the limit. Chief Swan arrested him there. He was arraigned, made bail."
"What happens now?"
"Depends on if he makes a plea with the state or not."
"But he could get away with it?"
"I don't know, sweetheart. I guess that is a possibility."
We both heard the front door open and close.
"Your father's home, I should go get ready, unless you want me to stay home?"
"No, I'm fine. Go out with dad."
Standing, she kissed my forehead and then closed my curtains, ending my connection to the outside world. "I'll have your father come in to help you get into bed before we go, okay?"
I nodded. Before she opened the door to leave, I called out.
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry."
For everything.
"I know, sweetheart."
My father appeared a few minutes later to find me half on my bed, half in my chair. I hadn't realized how much effort doing something so simple would be.
"Jesus, Edward," he mumbled, rushing to my aide. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he huffed and lifted me onto the bed before dropping me. Flopping down on my stomach, my face mashed into the mattress, I pushed myself up onto my hands and dragged my lower body up the bed until I was near my pillows.
"Holy shit," I panted when I finally was able to roll onto my side.
"What were you doing?" he asked, moving the chair out of his way. "Are you okay?"
His hands automatically began checking me over, skimming my legs, checking for damage.
"I'm fine, Dad." I sighed, flipping onto my back, leaving my legs awkwardly twisted.
"You could hurt yourself and not know it. You need to be more careful." He moved my legs for me, lifting them and placing them down next to each other. "Do you want me to help you change?"
"Yeah."
He got clothes from my dresser and returned to me. I sat up and pulled my tee shirt off, putting on the one he tossed me. Then I lay back down and undid my pants so he could tug them down my legs. He put my feet into the pajamas, gradually moving them up to my thighs. I grabbed his neck and using what strength I had, I pulled my body off the bed enough for him to get the pants over my hips.
Exhausted, I let go of him and fell back.
"I need to start working out," he muttered. "You okay if I take your mother out for dinner? We won't be long, I just want to get her out of the house."
"I'll be fine. I've got Alice if I need something."
He nodded and gave my leg a pat. "See you in the morning."
"Night, Dad."
He left and I was there alone. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a more tiring day and I felt my eyes drifting closed without having any of the pills my father usually gave me to help me sleep.
The car was mangled. I heard a horn blaring. I felt stinging all over my body. The deflated airbag obstructed my view when I lifted my head. I was pinned behind the wheel and my lungs felt like they were crushed, each breath more painful than the one before it.
"Help," I gasped out to no one. It was cold, I was going numb, darkness readying to take me away, to wipe the pain and life from my body.
"Edward," he whispered. "Baby, you okay?"
Somehow I found the strength to open my eye that wasn't swollen shut and saw my angel standing outside my car.
"Jasper?" I whispered. I felt hands and warmth.
"I'm here, baby. You're safe, I'm here to rescue you."
My head lolled to the side as I tried to focus on his beautiful face. When my eyes closed again, I knew I was safe, I knew Jasper would take care of me. The darkness left, replaced with a golden glow and a soft reassuring voice.
Help was on the way. I was going to be okay. Jasper was there.
Startled, I woke up, my chest heaving as I panted. Taking a few calming breaths, I realized my hands were fisting the blanket under me. The room was dark except for the small light in the corner my father must have turned on before he left. I wanted to roll onto my side, but it took too much effort, so I laid there staring at ceiling.
That's when I heard it, the faint, but very distinct sound of Paul's voice coming from outside. Squinting, I looked out the window, but saw nothing through the curtains.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
"What the fuck," I whispered, trying to push myself upright. Tilting my head, I listened closely, trying to figure out where exactly it was coming from. I even picked up my iPod to make sure it wasn't playing the song and I was hearing it through the headphones.
Then it just stopped.
I swear I heard low voices and then nothing. Just when I was going to call for Alice, she knocked and opened my door. She was carrying a few slices of pizza on a plate and set it on the table next to my bed.
"Do you mind telling me what Jasper was doing outside?"
Jasper?
"Huh?"
"I just found Jasper out by the pool with his iHome playing some Beatles crap."
I let the insult slide, my mind still trying to wrap around Jasper being outside my window.
"He was playing music?"
"Yeah, but he stopped as soon as I opened the door. He said he was here to give you a book but he had left it in the car."
She sat on the edge of my bed, curling a leg up under her and looked at me expectantly, waiting for an answer I couldn't provide.
"So?"
"I have no idea why he was here. He was here earlier for homework, maybe he did forget a book."
"That's bullshit and you know it," she shot back. "Tell me what's going on. Did you guys have a fight?"
Closing my eyes, I avoided her questions. It was not something I wanted to discuss with anyone much less with my little sister.
"No," I lied.
"Someday you'll tell me," she sighed and I felt her stand up. "I brought you some pizza."
I opened my eyes. "Thanks, Alice."
"No problem. If you need anything, yell. I'll be out in the living room until mom and dad get home."
Her bedroom was upstairs but she was staying on the first floor in case I needed her. With a small smile, she left.
Turning my head away from the door, I felt the first of many tears begin to fall. He'd been there, outside playing the song that had been deemed ours one day the previous summer.
I was lying naked in the grass, one hand under my head, the other in Jasper's hair as he lay on his side next to me. Sprawled and naked, his head rested on my hip. Both of our bodies were sated and used. He had just swallowed my second load and his third was coating the grass near him. The sun beamed down on us in the secluded meadow as the scent of wildflowers hung in the air. It was our secret spot, one we had stumbled across hiking one day. We went there when we needed to be away from everyone and just be us. No pretending or lying or hiding. We could be as loud as we wanted, as open and free with our touches and words as we needed to be. When we were there, the rest of the world faded away until it was only our breaths and shared heartbeats that existed.
"Baby?"
"Mmm?"
"What should be our wedding song?" he asked, his breath washing over my softening cock, his fingers lightly grazing the insides of my thighs.
"I Like You so Much Better When You're Naked?"
He nipped my cock.
"Ow, shit, love. Careful with the goods."
"I'm serious."
"So was I," I chuckled. Twisting his silky curls around my finger, I watched the sun shine off his golden hair. I felt his purr vibrate through him and into me, making me feel safe and happy. "Wedding song…let me think." I closed my eyes. The sun's rays warmed our skin, coloring Jasper's even darker and making mine…slightly less pale. Only seconds later, I knew the perfect song. "I got it."
Curious, he lifted his head, resting his chin on my hipbone. Looking down my chest at him, I smiled at his beautiful, serene face. Jasper was too good to be true, an angel sent to watch over me. I tried not to question how someone as incredible as Jasper had fallen for me. I just accepted it and reveled in his love.
He was nothing short of amazing.
"Maybe I'm Amazed."
A smiled blossomed across his face. "Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time."
"Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you."
"It's perfect," he agreed, lying his head back down, his waves tickling my stomach as he placed his cheek on the base of my cock. "Should we get married in the summer?"
"Definitely. An outside wedding." I could have told him what he was going to wear, what flowers would be in our lapels and even what our rings would look like but I didn't want him to know just how much thought I had put into it. He teased me enough as it was.
"I can't wait," he sighed happily.
"Me either, Jasper. Me either."
We fell asleep under the blue sky, our bodies tired and our hearts full.
Turning my head, I looked toward my dresser, to the picture that lay face down on it. Quick flashes of the dream I'd had went through my head, images of Jasper saving me, pulling the door off the wrecked car with brute force and then carrying me from it and tending to my injuries. Each touch was followed by a soft 'I'm here, baby. You're going to be okay'.
How I wished it was true.
How I wished he could save me.
Jasper had once been my savior, my hero. He had proven his bravery when he had kissed me in the pool that night, taking that chance on an uncommon love. Now he caused nothing but agony so strong it took my limp, shallow breath away. My heart that had once been full and bursting with his love had become a small shriveled muscle filled with more pain than I felt in the crippled body that housed my angry, broken soul. The waters were troubled, there was no life raft for us, no bridge to cross and get us safely to the other side. I was going to drown him, it was only a matter of time.
I grabbed my iPod and put in the earbuds. Scrolling through the list of songs, I settled on our song, turning the volume up and drowning out everything around me. The song played over and over as I slowly drifted back to sleep, tears drying on my cheeks. No matter how much I denied it, his love was an echo in my heart, the faint thumping still there buried under the darkness.
"**~~**"
I sent Maria away the second she walked into my room. I had no use for her. Who cared if my body became even more useless? Who cared if it took me five minutes longer to get from the chair to my bed? It wasn't that I wanted my mother to touch me and manipulate my body, it was more that I just … didn't care anymore.
About anything.
My world had gone from perfect to tragic in the span of one night. No longer could I care for myself, much less feel love for another. My body and mind grew exhausted, succumbing to the numbness more with each day that passed. It was just easier that way.
Not caring was so much easier than fighting.
I just wanted it all gone.
I hadn't even let them change my clothes. It didn't matter if I was in dirty pajamas if I never left the house. Body odor hung in the air of my room, my hair was filthy and beginning to stick to my scalp. I hadn't even brushed my teeth.
None of it mattered.
Sitting in front of the window, I stared out it, seeing nothing but daylight. My eyes no longer took in the details of the trees or patio. I waited until I knew it was time for him to come, and sure enough, I heard the door open and close exactly when I knew it would.
His footsteps were heavy as he walked down the hall, but he only paused for a second before opening the door and walking in. Unlike the previous days, he didn't jump right into the work. Instead, I heard his bag hit the bed and then he walked over to me. Kneeling, he put his hands on my knees.
I felt…warmth.
Logically, I felt nothing. I only knew his hands were on my knees because I saw them there, but I felt his touch everywhere else.
"Edward? Baby, let me in please. Let me try to help you."
My hand felt so warm when he took it and placed it against his wet cheek. Vaguely my heart thought I should react to him, stroke his cheek and wipe away his sadness. My brain reminded me that I was in the chair because of him. The drunk driver had been the cause of my accident, but Jasper had put me in his path.
"Feel me? I'm here, baby. Just tell me what you need me to do. You promised that we'd make it through anything, Edward, with everything that you are, you promised me, remember?"
Stroking my hand with both of his, he willed his life into me, only to find it blocked by the fortress I had spent weeks building, and all night securing.
"Remember all the good times, baby? We can have those again, I swear. Just let me in, talk to me. Please," he whispered between sobs. "Show me something, baby, show me you're still here with me…please, I need you."
I had nothing to show him.
Suddenly, he was gone, taking his warmth with him. I felt it gradually fade from my body, like a light slowly dimming until he returned with something in his hands. I didn't have to look at it to know he had found the picture of us.
"Remember this? It was my sixteenth birthday, remember? I do. I remember everything that led up to that moment. The moment when I kissed you. I remember I was so nervous. Every time you were near me, my heart would just pound in my chest and I knew you felt it. God, I remember wanting to hold your hand so bad that night, I remember watching you lick the barbeque sauce off your fingers and blushing when you caught me staring at you."
I heard him talking, I could even make out a few words here and there, but it was all surreal, dreamlike and distant. We were on different sides of a thick fog, unable to see or hear each other through it. All I saw was the window and nothing beyond it.
"For about a week, I knew that was going to be the night I was going to kiss you. I had been testing you for a long time, brushing up against you when I passed you in the hall, laying so close to you when we watched TV that I could feel your body heat. You never moved away, baby, you didn't mind me being so close. Then…then there was the hug the night before. I don't remember why you hugged me, but I remember my heart racing and the way you buried your face into my neck and I felt your breath. I swear you even kissed me there. I knew then, baby. I knew you wanted me but were too afraid."
The warmth was back when he put his hands on mine again.
"That kiss was the best thing I've ever done, Edward. Even if I walk out of here today and never see you again, that kiss will be the smartest thing I've ever done and I won't ever regret it. Is that why you stare at the pool? Because it reminds you of us? We had good times in it. God, remember the blowjob? Jesus, that was hot."
Was it? I could barely recall the feeling of his lips on me, or how he had made me feel special and wanted and loved beyond words.
His warmth turned hot even as his voice grew cold.
"Is this what you want, Edward? Do you want to be nothing? Sit here and waste your fucking life away? Have your mommy change your catheter and wear a diaper at fucking seventeen years old? This isn't the Edward I know and love. The one I know would be fighting to get his life back, for some independence. Not sitting here like a vegetable. Because that is exactly what you're doing, Edward. You are fucking wasting away to nothing. Just look at yourself, the Edward I love would never do this to himself."
But I wasn't the Edward he loved. That boy didn't exist anymore, he never would again. Didn't he understand that I wanted to waste away, I wanted to be empty and alone. Didn't he know it was so much easier?
Dropping my hands, he stood up. I felt the weight of his glare, but I saw nothing but the blue of his jeans as my eyes remained unfocused on anything. His words didn't hurt, they didn't sting like I knew they should.
"Know what? I don't fucking care anymore. Do whatever the fuck you want, it's your miserable life, live it however you fucking want to. You want me gone, you fucking got it. I'll leave your work on your bed, asshole."
The words were cruel, mean, impulsive, and I knew he meant them. I also heard the love wrapped around each and every one.
He meant that too.
He was pushing me, holding me up while I clawed for the solid ground to rest on. It was then that I knew no matter what I did or said, he wasn't going to give up on me even if I had given up on us both. His words said he was walking out of my room for good, but we both knew it wasn't true.
He could never stay away from me.
And I couldn't stand to be away from him.
No matter how much I hated him right then, how much I blamed him for what had happened, I could no longer deny I needed him. Even if it was to remain numb, I needed him to help me do it. It was a miserable life, and I didn't want him in it with me, but I needed him in it with me.
So badly I needed him.
The tear rolled down my face. It was alone and followed by no others but it was enough to revive my heart. The door closed behind me and I flinched. For the first time in days, I had a reaction to something.
I had a reaction to him leaving.
Taking a deep breath, I looked out the window.
Gradually the branches of the trees became clear. I could make out the color of the fence, and even see the wind blowing the snow off the roof of the shed. The things that had been blurry for days became clear and colored. My life wasn't fading to black and white anymore.
The fight that wanted that color back in my life was awakened. It was weak and exhausted but it was there, a feeble beat in the depths of my heart.
I wanted my life back.
This wasn't who I was. I was Edward fucking Cullen, a boy strong in mind, if not body, and in love with a savior.
It was too late for Jasper to save me, but it was him that made me realize that just perhaps, in some small way, I could save myself.
Gasping for breath, I let the feeling build in me, no longer forcing it away. It overwhelmed me in a new way, gripping my very life, ripping it away from the forces that had contained it. The feeling wasn't alone, it rode the backs of anger and frustration, each of them returning with a vengeance, but if they were the cost of my life, I'd take them, and something told me Jasper would too.
Without even realizing it, I had backed my chair up. Turning it slowly, I pushed myself to my table and grabbed my cell phone. My eyes were blurry as I tapped the message out, not even hesitating when I hit send. Tossing the phone onto my bed, I pushed the chair back and waited.
My heart raced and time stopped.
When he opened the door, I felt a rush of relief. Not from me, but from him. I also saw beads of sweat on his forehead, he was either nervous or had run, or both. Once he was in the room and his eyes met mine, I knew I had done the right thing.
I knew no matter what was said, no matter how much we might be altered, there was no turning back for either of us.
I was completely still as he closed the door behind him, his eyes never leaving mine as he moved to the bed. Setting his bag on the floor, he sat down on the bed. His nerves began to wear him down, his tongue darting out to lick his dry lips before he tugging his bottom lip between his teeth to gnaw on it. His knee bounced and he shifted his weight.
But his eyes never left mine.
Unlike before when he was my prey, we were now on more equal footing. Although I might have been the one in the chair, I still had the upper hand. Whether he let me have it, or I staked the claim on my own, I wasn't certain.
"So…" he began quietly. "What do you want to go over first?" Finally, he broke the stare and reached around for the nearest book. "Calculus?"
"Why are you here?"
He eyes returned to mine. "You asked, no, told, me to come back." There was no doubting the satisfaction in his voice. "I assumed you wanted to go over more homework."
"Fine," I replied in a steely voice, motioning to the books. His hand was shaking as he opened the book and flipped through the pages.
"Umm…just trying to figure out where we left off in class," he stuttered, his eyes darting between me and the book as if he thought I might disappear if he took too long. I wanted to tell him that unless we were going downhill, I was pretty sure I couldn't outrun him. "It was chapter nineteen. No, wait, twenty. I think it was twenty, well, maybe not."
I almost smiled.
Instead, I waited while he flipped back and forth in the book.
"Aw fuck it, I can't remember." He sighed heavily, hanging his head and then slamming the book closed. Resting my elbows on the arms of the chair, I watched him debate with himself. "Can we just talk?"
I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't sure what I wanted, I was pretty fucking clueless actually. All I knew was that he could somehow help me get there.
"I know you're going through a lot of shit," he began, speaking to the floor. "And I'm sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry. For everything, I'm sorry. I love you so fucking much and it kills me to see you like this."
His tears began to fall, slowly running down his face, and he just let them.
"The day after your accident when you were in surgery, I was so scared. I barely remember anything from those few days but I remember being so scared that you weren't going to live. I remember thinking if you died, my life was over. I remember feeling happy when the doctor told us you had survived, but then everyone was crying…"
He buried his face in his hands. I made no move to comfort him. When he spoke again, his voice was muffled.
"I remember when I found out you were paralyzed, I didn't believe it. There was no way that you could be paralyzed. Then I thought, I didn't care if you were, I was just grateful you were alive."
"Grateful I'm alive?" My own voice sounded foreign, oddly raspy.
Lifting his head from his hands, he nodded.
"Grateful? Grateful that I have to lay naked on my bed while my mother has to stick her fingers up my fucking ass in order to get me to shit? Or maybe I should be grateful that instead of walking into the bathroom and whipping out my dick to take a piss, I have to sit here and watch my fucking mother touch my cock, pulling a tube from it and put another one in just so I don't piss myself or get a bladder infection. Perhaps I should be thankful that I have to watch every fucking thing that I eat so I don't get fat, or constipated, or diarrhea."
His eyes widened more with each word, but I kept going. Tensing every muscle I could still control, I felt the power the anger gave me as it began to finally flow freely through my veins, nourishing me more than any sympathy ever had.
"Want to know what it's like to take a bath? You want to sit naked on a chair while your mother or father washes you? Washes your hair, you dick, your balls, your ass? How about that I have to have someone help me dress and get in and out of bed. Do you realize all the shit I can't do anymore, Jasper? Fuck walking, there is no more basketball, no driving, no swimming, no running. Jasper, there's no fucking for me. Ever. I can't have sex. Welcome to my fucking nightmare, Jasper."
I knew the tears were falling, I didn't fucking care, they only made me stronger. I felt my throat tighten, my hands fisting so hard my nails were digging into my palms.
"So fuck you, Jasper, fuck you and your gratefulness. Maybe you can be grateful for your life, but I think I'd rather not be living mine right now."
Staring silently at me, he just sat there with no reaction to my words other than his steady tears. Maybe I had shocked him into my reality.
Swallowing hard, he ran his palms across his cheeks. "Don't say that. I love you, and I'd rather have you here like this than not at all."
"I'd rather not be here than be like this," I admitted quietly. "I don't want to be half a man."
"You're not," he said angrily. Shaking my head, I tore my eyes from him and looked back out the window to the pool, the place that held so many good memories for me.
Our first kiss, sunbathing naked, family barbeques, cannon balls, blow jobs…
"I blame you," I whispered. I turned the chair and wheeled myself back to the window, falling into the familiar trance as I neared it.
"But I thought the other driver was-"
"Drunk." I supplied for him. "He was. But it was you who put me on that road, Jasper. You put me in his path. You put me in this chair."
I heard him stand. Stopping next to me, he looked out the window with me.
"I didn't know, Edward. I didn't know that would happen. If I could change time, if it could have been me instead of you, if I could trade places with you…anything, I swear I'd do it."
"Doesn't do me any fucking good now, does it? We can wish for shit all we want, and it doesn't change that I'm in this fucking chair for the rest of my life."
"You can live your life the best you can. Don't give up, Edward."
"That's easy for you to say. You can walk," I sighed, closing my eyes. Out of nowhere, the resentment crested inside me, threatening to spill over if not released. I needed him gone before he was a causality of it like me. "Get the fuck out."
"What?"
"Leave, get out."
"Edward-"
"Are you fucking deaf? GO!"
If he didn't leave, I was going to cause him more harm than even he deserved. I couldn't do anything anymore, but maybe I could protect him from myself. He was confused, he had felt we were making progress.
"But-"
"Get. The. Fuck. Out."
Instead of leaving, he fucking moved in front of me, blocking my view of the window. Lifting my chin, I glared up at him, hating that I felt short and small compared to his tall, lanky body. We used to look eye to eye.
"I get it. You blame me. You're in a fucking wheelchair. You can't walk. So fucking what? That doesn't give you the right to treat me, or anyone else for that matter, like shit," he said through clenched teeth, containing his fury so my mother wouldn't hear.
Stunned at his anger, that it almost matched my own, I just stared at him.
"You're so pissed at me, then fucking hit me."
He didn't think I'd do it, not even when I lifted my hands off the armrests and fisted them tightly. Challenging me, he raised an eyebrow.
"Do it."
So I did.
With every ounce of strength I had left, I struck out at him, my fist landing square in his stomach. Satisfied with the sound of the air escaping him, I hit him again and again. His body withstood the blows, accepting them one by one.
"I fucking hate you!" I yelled. "This is your fault. I hate you!"
I knew I was probably bruising him, but he never wavered under the force of my punches as I wailed on him.
"Come on, harder," he encouraged in panting breaths, his hands clenching at his sides. He grunted when I hit him, but quickly readied himself for another. "Fucking wimp, can't you hit me any harder than that? You hit like a fucking girl."
Enraged, I drew back and landed a quick jab to his ribcage, ignoring the defining crack that I heard. His body stumbled backwards, his arm instinctively covering his abdomen for protection. After taking a deep breath, he recovered and stood there waiting for another.
Waiting for his punishment.
"I wish it was you," I snarled. "I fucking hate…"
The words drifted off, they became stuck between the sobs that had overtaken me. I couldn't see through the tears, even my target of his stomach became blurry. My throws weakened, landing with less force on his thighs and sides. Exhausted, I fell forward, knowing he would be there to catch me.
And he was.
Wrapping his arms around me, he held my head to his stomach, hissing when he bent over to press me tightly to him. Slowly he lowered himself to his knees, keeping his arms around me the entire time. I melted into his embrace, molding my broken body to his complete one, finally accepting his offer of unconditional support. Moving my head to his shoulder, I felt his fingers weave through my hair. Under his comforting touch, my heart returned to a normal pace, beating with his love. Everything that had built up for weeks cascaded out of me in powerful waves, cresting to wails until it finally ebbed into quiet whimpers. The waves eroded the stone and mortar wall I had so carefully built, crumbling more each time his hand rubbed my back, with each of his fragile whispers, until he was kneeling in a pile of rubble. My body ached from the unnatural position, my hands fisted his hair and tee shirt, keeping him tethered to me in any way possible. Long fingers were threading through my dirty hair, soothing away any doubts I had. I cried on his shoulder, my tears easily soaking his shirt and dampening the skin of his neck, until I had nothing left.
I was empty, a void except for his warmth that he shared with me.
Not lifting my head, I sighed heavily, my breath washing over him, and I felt him tremble. My eyes were almost swollen shut from their release.
"Why me? Why not someone else? A fucking drunk driver fucking took my life away. He took our lives away. I just want to die."
His arms tightened around me, pulling me impossibly closer, and I burrowed my face into the crook of his neck, using his warmth and scent for strength. His presence enveloped me as much as his body did, welcoming me back into his soul readily. The words that had been spoken out of anger faded from our memories, replaced with murmured assurances of forgiveness and love no matter what. He lifted the burden of my life from my weakened shoulders, taking it onto his as well, sharing my paralysis, reminding me that I wasn't alone.
And I never would be.
"I'm so tired, love, so tired," I admitted, mumbling into his heated, wet skin.
I felt his head against mine, his nose nuzzling my hair as he whispered in my ear.
"I know, baby, I know."
"**~~**"
Thanks for reading~
WN was featured on The Reccing Ball http:/reccingball DOT blogspot DOT com Thank you so much!
Also, if after WN you need some fluff & PWP, Strippersper has been posted on my profile (The Golden Banana)
To read more on SCI please visit http:/www DOT christopherreeve DOTorg