If on a Winter's Night

by Touchstone67

One fateful, winter's night, Edward and Jasper's lives are turned upside down. Is their relationship strong enough to withstand the aftermath, or will they be driven apart forever? Rated M for sexual situations, language. AH J/E slash

12. Speaking Words of Wisdom

Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.

A/N- This story won't be updating before Christmas (I am aiming for New Year's weekend but we'll see) and I wanted to say thank you to everyone that has read, reviewed, recommended, and tweeted this story. You continue to amaze me with the support the boys have received and I seriously can't thank you enough for giving a boy with a love for The Beatles and his geeky, stubborn boyfriend a chance. I get so much pleasure from writing them and to know that they are enjoyed and loved by others means the world to me. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!

As always hugs to Dannie for her prereading, hand holding and ability to make a decision for me when I can't.

Huge thanks to OfTheTurningAway for her beta on this chapter.

Now Edward pov

"**~~**"

If on a winter's I hadn't let it be …

"**~~**"

He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Ever.

Especially when he was sleeping with his arm draped over my stomach and his head resting heavily on my chest. When I opened my eyes and he was the first thing I saw, my heart swelled, heated and full, in my chest. Looking down at him, I saw his lips parted while he snored and occasionally mumbled something unintelligible. I used to imagine those barely audible sounds were him reciting vows to me, or throaty murmurs of forever devotion. Realistically, I knew they were probably neither, especially now. My hand rested on his wrist, my fingers lightly tracing the braided leather clasped there. The bracelet itself was a symbol of my never ending love for him, the fact that he wore it every day was a symbol of his devotion to me. I felt his warm breaths washing over my chest through the cotton tee shirt I was wearing. I swear every time he exhaled, he breathed life into me, igniting my cold soul, willing it back to him. He looked peaceful in his sleep, but I could tell he was worn and weary. It had only been a few weeks and Jasper was already reaching his limit.

The arm that lay under his body and wrapped around his back had fallen asleep and I could feel the sensation of pins and needles, along with a dull ache, when I moved it to pull him even closer. Unconsciously sensing my need, he burrowed further into me, his arm tightening around me as his leg moved between mine, effectively pinning me down. I couldn't help but smile a bit as I closed my eyes and reveled in having his body so lovingly close to mine again.

He was serious when he said he wasn't going to let me go.

After facing the wrath of my overprotective mother and concerned father, Jasper had sought refuge in my room, catching me in the middle of my struggle to get changed. While I was getting better at it, getting dressed was still a challenge. I refused his offer of help, instead encouraging him to touch me, to feel the useless limbs I now dragged around. Normally, his touch would have had me squirming and pleading for more, but I just stared at his hands on me, fingertips grazing over my numb muscles.

When he admitted he'd been researching about me, my condition, I felt conflicted. It excited me that he wanted to learn about my injury, but it worried me as well. What if he found out I couldn't have sex? What if he found out I couldn't even get hard? What if he found out there was no hope of me walking again? He would definitely leave me if we couldn't be physical with each other. After all, we were young, touching each other, sucking and stroking, was important to us. Not that I only loved him because of the physical highs he gave my body, but honestly, sex was something we both thought a fucking lot about. If we weren't having it, we were wanting to have it.

So when he went to kiss me, it scared the shit out of me. Kissing for us often led to other things and I didn't want to raise false hope for either of us. Jasper deserved better than someone who could only kiss him. He tried to hide the look of disappointment on his face when I pulled back, claiming he understood, but I saw the hurt and lie in his eyes. What had happened in the meadow had been extraordinary, everything from him carrying me up there to holding me while we danced to the kiss we shared.

It had been magical.

It was not reality.

My reality was a metal and rubber and leather chair. It was catheters and shower chairs.

It wasn't dancing and kissing and holding.

But then he told me he wasn't going to let me push him away, and I wanted to chase away the anguish and worry in his eyes. Before I could think about it, I tugged on his waves and pulled him in for a soft kiss. I couldn't resist the feeling of his warm lips over mine and drew him in even closer. Feeling him tremble under my touch, knowing I still affected him like that, made my heart soar. Moments later he was gone. With my fingers still tingling from the feel of his hair, I picked up my phone and called him.

"Everything okay?" he asked, panicking.

"Yeah, I just wanted to say good night again," I mumbled.

I needed to hear you again.

"Night, baby."

I was surprised when he'd used the nickname I had told him not to say. I could almost see him in the cab of the truck, his breath swirling out of him into the cold air as he bitched at himself for his slip.

"See ya soon, love," I whispered, letting him know it was okay. I hung up and closed my eyes, the taste of Jasper still strong on my lips when I licked them. Sleep came quickly and, as always, my last conscious thoughts were of him.

The next morning, my mother woke me up with a hand on my shoulder, asking me if I wanted anything to eat. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I nodded and she left, appearing only a minute later with a tray of eggs and sausage.

"I could have gone out there to eat," I mumbled as she set the tray on my bed. I went to lift my arm to eat and a sharp pain radiated through my arm and shoulder. Hiding the wince, I reached for the food, almost hissing as the ache increased when I brought the fork to my mouth.

"It's no problem," she said happily. When she paused before leaving, I knew what was coming. "About last night…"

Sighing, I turned my head to her. "Mom, I'm fine. I don't care what Jasper told you. It was my idea. I asked him to take me for a ride and he did. It wasn't a big deal."

It was one of the best nights of my life.

"He said he offered."

"He did, after I asked him if he had the truck."

"Regardless, you should have asked us or at the very least, let us know you were leaving. Do you know how panicked I was when I got home and came to check you and found you gone? Alice heard me calling for you and came out to tell me you had left with Jasper."

"I'm sorry I scared you, but I'm not sorry I went." It was her turn to sigh and she came and sat on the edge of my bed. Before she could speak again, I said, "I want to go to school on Monday."

"Edward-"

"Mom, I'm ready," I snapped. "I've been working with Emmett, I'm strong enough."

I pushed myself up a fucking mountain.

She gave me a faint smile. "If your father gives his okay, then it's okay with me."

"Thank you," I exhaled.

"But Edward, I think you should talk to someone," she hedged.

"What do you mean?"

"A therapist."

I shook my head. "No."

"You've been through a traumatic event, you're trying to adjust to this new life and it might help to talk it over with someone. Someone besides me or your father."

"I don't need to talk to anyone."

Except Jasper.

Ignoring me, she continued, "Peri gave me the name of a good therapist at the hospital, if you want I can give him a call."

"I said no, Mom."

Eyeing me, she weighed my words, and then after finding what she needed, she patted my thigh and stood up. "Well, if you change your mind…" She never finished, she just gave me a smile. After she closed the door, I put the tray of food on my table, suddenly not hungry anymore.

I slept on and off for most of the day, unable to keep my eyes open for much more than an hour at a time and only getting out of bed to change my catheter and use the toilet. My weakened arms trembled, barely able to get me into the chair.

When I wasn't sleeping, I was reading homework, trying to keep my mind occupied while I waited to see Jasper again. My hands constantly ran through my hair, cringing when I felt the dirtiness I didn't have the energy to wash away. I was nervous about seeing Jasper, worried that once he'd gone home and had time to think, he would change his mind about being with me and realize a future with me would be too difficult. I feel asleep after lunch, not waking up until I sensed I wasn't alone. Opening my eyes, I felt those first few seconds of normalcy and I found him watching me with a look of vulnerability on his face. He offered to leave, but I wanted him to stay. We needed to talk.

And we did.

I told him I wasn't the same person.

He told me he would love me no matter who I was.

I told him I felt lost.

He told me we could be lost together.

I told him I couldn't have sex.

He told me he didn't care.

I told him I was scared.

He told me he was too.

Every argument I had, he countered, not with facts but with love and devotion and honesty. I listened carefully to his voice for the doubt I knew I would find. I searched deep in his blue eyes for the hesitation I was sure he had.

I found nothing but utter conviction and faith.

Faith in me, in us.

Sometimes I wondered how he did it, how he had absolutely no doubt about us. Then other times, I knew exactly how he felt. When Jasper and I had become friends, I never considered falling in love with him, but in the end, it hadn't been a choice. It wasn't something I couldn't turn off or ignore.

It was something unpredictable, uncontainable.

It was something beyond the two of us.

But I needed to hear it, I needed him to promise that he wouldn't regret staying with a cripple. That one day in our future, he wouldn't look back on our time together and wish it had never happened, wish that he hadn't wasted his time with me and left me sooner for someone who could give him so much more.

"No regrets," I whispered to him desperately. "Promise me, Jasper, no regrets."

"I could never have any regrets where you're concerned," he tried to assure me. My thumb traced his lips as I waited for him to say the words. "No regrets, Edward, I promise," he vowed to me.

Then he moved his body forward and rested his weight on my chest as his lips met mine gently. With a brief kiss, he showed me the promise he'd made. Pulling away, he'd put his head back on my chest, his eyes drifting closed. Without even thinking about it, and too wrapped up in him to care, I closed my eyes as well.

I wasn't sure how long I'd slept. It might have been ten minutes or thirty, but I woke up to find him still there, still on me, still loving me. Releasing his wrist, I reached up and fingered the very ends of his silky hair, enough to stir, but not wake, him. I knew I was lucky to have him in my life in any capacity, but I couldn't help the nagging feeling deep inside that someday he was going to leave.

And I'd be alone.

Just as I went to bury my hands more thoroughly into his hair to wake him, my door swung open. Jerking my head to the side, I saw a very surprised Alice standing there. Her jaw dropped and her eyes widened as she took in our position; Jasper's body curled intimately with mine, his head and arm laying on me, my fingers tangled in his hair. Swallowing, I stared at her, too stunned to speak and unable to physically move. Had it been before the accident, I would have moved so quickly I would have dumped Jasper right off the bed, but now I was stuck there, right where I wanted to be. I went to speak, to explain, but she spoke first.

Glancing over her shoulder, she closed the door so only she could see inside. "Sorry, I didn't realize he was here." A deep pink flushed her cheeks as her eyes traveled over Jasper's long body. My arm around him had caused his shirt to rise up, exposing a bit of his back and side. Biting her lip, she quickly brought her eyes back to mine and without another word, before I could say anything, she closed the door.

"Fuck," I mumbled under my breath. I had been careless, letting us fall asleep with our bodies affectionate, entwined like the lovers we were. Over the year we'd been together, we had usually taken great care to not get caught. I was used to be able to move quickly should something like that happen. Normally, I would have been listening for approaching footsteps on the stairs, but my bedroom had moved and there were no more stairs to warn.

"Jas," I said, shaking him. "Wake up." Slowly he lifted his head, his eyes fluttering open and his lips twitching to a smile when he realized he was still lying on me. "Alice caught us."

"Huh?" He blinked.

"Alice. She just walked in on us. Like this," I whispered urgently. He bolted upright, his eyes suddenly large with fear.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit," he chanted, still confused in his sleepy state. He rubbed his hands over his face and looked around the room but I wasn't sure what for.

"She left," I told him, thinking maybe he was looking for her.

"Oh shit. What do we do? D you want me to go talk to her?" he offered as he climbed off my bed. "I can talk to her. I don't know what I'll say, but I can talk to her. "

"No, not tonight," I said.

"I'm sorry, baby, I shouldn't have fallen asleep," he apologized with downcast eyes. "At least not lying like that."

"It's not your fault. I fell asleep too," I admitted.

"What are we going to do?"

We.

"I don't know," I said quietly.

"Shit," he muttered. I could sense his nerves but knew they weren't for him, they were for me. "Are you going to be okay? Are you going to talk to her?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine, I'll talk to her. But you should go before something else happens."

He nodded and grabbed his sneakers. Standing on one foot, he shoved his other in the sneaker and then switched feet. Then he bent over and picked up his sweatshirt off the floor before pulling it on over his head. His movements were so casual, so effortless.

"You make that look so easy," I mumbled, motioning to his sneakers. "That's like a ten minute job for me."

"You'll get quicker," he flashed me a smile when he reached for his bag. "Oh, Bella mentioned she might come over tomorrow."

"You talked to her?" Jasper nodded. "Everything okay?"

He sighed as he set his bag on my bed. "I let her know that I wasn't happy about her talking to you about me, but I guess we're fine."

Jasper usually held grudges, but I knew he would forgive Bella for my sake if nothing else. Sleep began to claim me again and as my eyes drifted closed, I began to lose sight of my angel.

"Edward," he whispered. "Can I kiss you?"

My eyes opened and I stared at him. After everything that had happened, after all that I had said, the words of doubt and hurt, and getting caught, he still wanted to kiss me. Even so shortly after his promise, I looked for the regret in his eyes, his subconscious telling him to run away, but I didn't find it. All I saw what was I always did, unconditional love.

Swallowing thickly, I glanced at my closed door and nodded. Placing one hand next to me, he leaned toward me and I felt his dry lips sweep over mine, my heart halting for a beat just like it always did when we kissed. My hand came up to rest on his shoulder, my fingers digging into his flesh as I resisted the familiar urge to deepen the kiss, to taste his velvet tongue. Keeping it brief, he pulled away and smiled.

"Thank you," he whispered, resting his forehead to mine.

Before I could reply, he was grabbing his bag and leaving. A few minutes later, there was a light knocking on my door.

"Come in."

Hesitantly, she opened the door until she was sure I was alone, and then came in and closed it behind her. In typical Alice form, she walked around my room, her hands reaching out to touch everything. My eyes followed her around, noticing how she paused in front of the picture of Jasper and me for a few minutes. I could feel the energy reverberating off her, bouncing off the walls of my room like a laser beam. Sometimes I thought she could power a small house with the energy she emitted. Keeping her back to me, she picked up the photo.

"This is so embarrassing and I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I have a bit of a crush on Jasper," she giggled, turning to face me with the picture in her hands. "Guess there's no use in wasting my time anymore, huh?"

I knew exactly what she was talking about, but I raised a brow at her anyway.

"Oh, come on. I might be your little sister, but I'm not stupid…or blind for that matter," she said quietly but without doubt. Nervously, I looked away, dropping my gaze to my still feet.

"He loves you," she said simply as she stared at the photo. I couldn't help the blush that crawled over my cheeks as I barely nodded. She put the picture back on my dresser.

"I've suspected for awhile."

I remained quiet while she continued moving around my room, occasionally picking up medical equipment or books off my floor.

"Alice," I began but stopped, having really no fucking idea what to say.

Pausing in front of my window, she looked at me and tilted her head, her green eyes boring into me. "How long?"

"His birthday, summer before last," I admitted.

"What happened?" When I hesitated, she folded her arms across her chest defiantly, reminding me so much of my mother.

"He kissed me," I said quietly.

"Is he why you broke up with Bella?"

It was a legitimate question, one I had asked myself many times.

"Actually, I broke up with her before anything happened between Jasper and I. Things just weren't right between us."

"I wonder why," she scoffed. "Maybe because she doesn't have a-"

"Alice!" I growled and she stopped, rolling her eyes.

"So are you…gay?" she asked curiously.

"Honestly, I don't know. I think so. I just know I…that I…um…"

"Love Jasper?"

Gnawing on my lip, I ran my hand through my hair again and nodded. Besides Jasper, she was the first person I had ever admitted that to.

"This sure explains a lot." Finally completing her inspection of my room, she came and sat on my bed. "Like Jasper's little Say Anything moment a few weeks ago, the strange sounds coming from your room, and all the times I heard you guys running down to get in here. I mean, you said you were going to play Call of Duty, but no kid is that eager to play a video game. Then there were the looks." She reeled off the evidence like it was on a list somewhere. Had we been so obvious all along?

"Looks?"

"Yeah, ya know those little stolen moments when you don't think anyone is watching," she smiled. "But I saw them."

"Saw them?"

"Yeah, like at the Christmas party a few weeks ago when you were playing the piano for everyone, Jasper was watching you like the sun rose because of you. Then at dinner sometimes I see you staring at him. No boy stares at another boy like that, Edward."

"Like how?"

"Hungry. Like you wanted to devour him and not the food on your plate. Now that I think about it, you probably wanted to eat his-"

"Enough," I snapped, putting my hand up to stop her.

Suddenly, she looked sad and her eyes began to well up with tears. "I don't get it though."

"What?"

"Why didn't you tell me? Didn't you trust me?"

"We didn't tell anyone, Al. I'm too afraid. No one knows. Well, now you do, but no one else." When she realized she was the only one, she seemed to forgive me and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "We need to keep it that way too, okay, Al? You can't tell anyone, not even mom and dad. This would kill them and they've got enough to deal with." She nodded, but just like with Jasper, I needed her to say the words. "Promise me, Al."

"I promise," she whispered.

"You can't make remarks about it when mom and dad are around or say anything to your friends, nothing to anyone, got it?" I told her, my voice quiet but desperate.

"I got it," she sighed, exasperated. With a mischievous flare in her eyes, she looked up at me. "So, is he a good kisser?"

"Alice!"

"Okay, okay, I'll go. I was just curious. Gotta go write this in my diary anyway," she teased as she stood up and went to my door. "See ya tomorrow."

"Night, Alice."

The door clicked closed and I let out a long breath. I needed to go change my catheter one last time before I went to bed, so I sat up and reached for my chair. Painfully moving myself into it, I opened my door and pushed myself into the bathroom. I worked slowly but efficiently, inserting the tube to drain my bladder, gradually pulling it out as my bladder emptied. Once I threw the bag away and cleaned myself, I went to brush my teeth. The drawers and cupboards had been removed and I was able to push my chair right up the counter. When I was done, I went back to my room and dragged myself onto my bed, getting under my covers before I turned on my stereo with my remote. Once Paul's voice came through the speakers, I closed my eyes but my mind was busy with what had happened with Alice. I was partially relieved that someone finally knew but it also scared me. What if she slipped at the dinner table, what if she told her girlfriends who told their boyfriends? What if it got out at school that we were queer? Exposing our relationship had always been my fear, not Jasper's, but he understood my reasons and left it up to me to decide where and when. I knew he wasn't nearly as concerned about Alice finding out was as I had been. If it were up to him, he would have yelled it to the world a long time ago. It wasn't something we talked about often. In fact, we rarely mentioned it, maybe not since the day in the meadow when we planned it out.

It was almost my birthday and we had been together for about three months when Jasper and I had decided to spend the day at the meadow. It was an exceptionally warm day of Indian summer in October and we wanted to spend it alone. After racing up the trail, Jasper unbuttoned his jeans, yanking them down over his ass enough for me to give him his blowjob for winning the race. He returned the favor as soon as he regained his senses.

"Five letter word for happiness?" I asked, holding my pencil at the first square. The sun beat down on us as we lay naked on a large quilt in the middle of the meadow. We were on our backs, Jasper's head resting on my thigh, his cheek just inches from my sated cock. Next to us on the blanket, Jasper's iHome played "Hard Day's Night."

"Cocks," he replied quickly with a proud smirk, his eyes never leaving the book in his hands. I counted the letters and then looked at the down question.

"Nope, needs to start with a 'b'."

"Butts."

"Well, it fits, but I don't think that's it," I chuckled, lightly writing in the word anyway. The breeze lifted the wisps of his hair and they tickled my cock. I felt it twitch and I moved my crossword book so I could look down my chest at him. He was in deep concentration, his lips moving as he read. "How's your comic book?"

He sighed heavily, a sigh I knew all too well, and glanced up at me. "Graphic novel, babe," he reminded me before returning his attention to his graphic novel.

"Oh, right, sorry." I reached down and nudged his shoulder with my book. "So how is your graphic novel?"

Turning toward me, he smiled at my interest, his eyes growing animated. "It's awesome. Okay so, the Night Owl just got home and found Rorschach there. He's not happy, right? But then Rorschach is actually there to warn him because the Comedian was killed and now Rorschach thinks that there is like this plan to kill former superheroes," he finally finished, his excited breath brushing over my cock.

"Babe?"

"Yeah?"

"You lost me at Night Owl."

Returning his eyes to his book, his laugher was contagious, full and true.

"Think there is such thing as dork tutoring?" I asked him, half serious.

"I'll tutor you," he offered.

"I have to let you know, I am a hands on learner," I smirked.

"Works for me," he nodded. I lifted the crossword book and looked at the next question. I had filled in about half of all the down answers when I felt his wet tongue flick over the head of my cock.

"Fuck," I groaned, wanting to buck my hips that were held down by his weight. The pencil fell from my grasp, bouncing off my chest to the blanket. The book soon followed, my fingers much more eager to have his hair between them than anything else. He turned onto his side, his tongue teasing me as he swirled it around my dick, which began to grow under his attention. One of my hands fisted the blanket beneath me while the other weaved through his hair. I groaned with every lap of his tongue, moaned with every nibble of his teeth, and cried out with every suck of his mouth. Jasper hadn't been giving head for very long, but he was fucking one quick learner. What had taken Bella forever to accomplish, Jasper did in minutes. Shifting his weight, he took me in deeper and I looked down at him when I felt my cock strike the back of his throat. Wheat colored curls hung in front of his eyes but didn't hide the desire I saw in them as he stared up at me.

My boy liked to watch me come undone.

Which was exactly what I did. From his new position, he bobbed his head while his fingers tugged my sac. Suddenly, he released my cock and moved his lips lower, taking in the hot, wrinkled skin of my balls. Drawing one between his lips, he sucked and my hips lifted off the ground.

"Fuck, fuck, more," I groaned through ragged breaths, spreading my legs for him. Dropping one ball, he moved to the other, lavishing it with the same attention and my world exploded. "I want you so bad," I murmured, my fingers so tangled in his hair I wasn't sure they would ever come out.

"Fuck, you smell good," he groaned as he inhaled my scent, leaving my soaked balls and returning his perfect mouth to my cock.

"Yeah, take it," I moaned. He rested the palm of his hand over my heart, his fingers splayed, while he worked me, his gaze holding mine the entire time. When I pulled his hair and he moaned around my cock, I felt the warmth spread and my hips jerked up. "Coming," I whispered breathlessly just a second before my cock emptied into his mouth and my body quivered and trembled and my orgasm flooded me with euphoria. He kept his mouth on me while the cresting waves of my climax had ebbed. Releasing me, he let my cock fall from his lips, his eyes watching it intently as it rested against my stomach, cum still dripping from the slit and onto me. With a satisfied smile, he crawled up my torso until he was hovering over me, gazing down at me with the hungriest eyes I had ever seen.

"Wanna taste?" he asked as he lowered his lips to mine. The kiss was long and deep, tasting of my bitter musk. I ran my hands down his back, feeling his muscles as they rolled under his tanned skin when he moved. Groping his ass, I pushed his hips down into mine, moaning into the kiss when his erection brushing along my overly sensitive cock. He broke the kiss first and panted as he laid his forehead on my chest and his eyes open and looking down the flat planes of my stomach to watch our cocks rub together.

"Fuck," he whispered as he rocked his hips forward against me. Planting my feet on the blanket, I steadied my body against his, letting him use me to get off. I kept my hands on his ass, encouraging him as he continued to grind on me. "Feels so good, your cock feels so fucking good."

I licked his ear and then murmured in it, "So does yours."

"Always so fucking hard for you," he admitted, his breaths even more labored and shallow and I knew he was close. His hips lacked rhythm and his body began to shake while the cords in his neck strained with the effort of holding off his orgasm. There was nothing more beautiful than seeing him in that moment, when he was beyond control, when he could think of nothing but his release. Other than feeling his lips on my cock, watching Jasper masturbate was probably my favorite thing. We had spent many afternoons after school and a few early mornings after sleepovers with our cocks in our hands as we watched each other jerk off.

"I want to see you come for me," I whispered. He lifted his head off my chest and bracing his weight on his arms, he thrust toward me while he captivated me with his rapt stare. Sweat dripped from his forehead onto my lips and I licked it off. He groaned and clenched his eyes shut.

"Only for you," he whispered just as his cock twitched and he released a strangled cry, louder than he ever allowed himself to be at either of our houses. His cock erupted between us, releasing his cum in short bursts until it painted me in blobs of white, even pooling in my navel. His body collapsed onto me, his weight heavy and relaxed. I moved my hands from his ass up his back, feeling the goose bumps my touch created, until they reached his hair where I fisted the long waves. Resting his head in the bend of my neck, and he left kisses there before he moved up to my mouth and captured my lips with his.

In our meadow we could kiss and touch and love without fear of being caught. We went there when we felt we needed to, to reaffirm what we were. We also went there when we were horny as fuck and needed to be naked and touching. Being with Jasper like that, so free and open, was absolutely pure bliss.

Bliss.

A five letter word for happiness.

I started chuckling and Jasper lifted his head. "What's so funny?"

"Bliss."

"Bliss is funny?"

"Bliss is a five letter word for happiness."

"And I'm the dork?" he laughed before rolling off me and onto his back. "Did you bring anything to clean up with?"

"No, but there's always your tongue?"

He rolled his eyes and I saw his hand begin to stroke his softening cock. "I was thinking more along the lines of a towel."

"Not nearly as much fun," I shrugged, closing my eyes against the bright sun. Seconds later, I felt the rough flat of his tongue along my stomach, dipping into my belly button to scoop out his cum before running along the divots of my ab muscles, cleaning me of every last drop of his climax. Groaning, I watched him bath me and then work his way up my chest and along my neck until his lips were at mine. His tongue plunged into my mouth, meeting and chasing mine before retreating. Pulling away, he returned to his back.

"Breakfast of champions," he chuckled as he closed his eyes. His laugher at his own joke faded and I knew the conversation was about to get serious. Jasper was an open book to me. I could read his emotions as if they were coursing through my own body.

"Baby?" he asked, rolling over onto his side and propping himself up on his elbow.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think we should come out? I mean, it's been a few months now and I don't know, but it might…maybe it'll be easier?"

"Easier how?" I turned to mirror his position so I could look him in the eye.

"I just… I want to touch you all the time and sometimes I have to remind myself that I can't touch you when there are other people around." His voice held a hint of sadness, of hesitation.

"I know, me too, but I'm not ready yet. This is all still new to me. You've had time to accept who you are. You've known for awhile that you're gay. I had no fucking doubt I was straight until you walked into my life and, well, here I am." I paused, looking down at our naked bodies so close to each other. "I need to consider other people too."

"Like?"

"My parents…Bella."

His eyes widened. "Bella?"

Nodding, I looked down at the blanket, avoiding his gaze like I often did when she was mentioned. "I don't want to hurt her. I care about her and I hurt her when we broke up and I don't want to do it again, especially so soon."

"Fine," he mumbled, flopping onto his back and staring the sky.

"Jas, don't be like that. We've been through this. I don't want her to think I broke up with her because of you. I mean, in a way that's true, but I didn't know it then. If we come out now, she is going to question everything she and I ever said and did with her."

"Are you ashamed of me?" he asked softly.

"What? No, no, I'm not ashamed of you or what you mean to me. It's not about that," I replied, stumbling for the right words.

"We could come out just to our families," he suggested.

"I'm afraid I'll disappoint my parents."

"And I'm not?" He returned to his side. "Listen, Edward, I'm scared too. Really fucking scared, but I know that I love you a lot more than I am scared. I just want to be able to be myself around other people and not pretend to just be your friend."

"What would I say? Hi, mom and dad, is dinner ready? Oh, and I'm madly in love with Jasper and we've been dating for the past few months," I mocked myself.

The corners of his lips turned up and his eyes flickered. "Madly?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Jasper, madly. Irrevocably, unequivocally, absolutely, completely, head over heels, crazy in love."

"Me too," he whispered. Reaching out, he brushed his fingers down my cheek.

Sighing at his touch, I closed my eyes. "Can we wait until we graduate? Then we can come out, move to college and never have to see the people in this town again."

"You'll still see your family."

"But they'll have time to adjust while I'm away. At college, you and I can be ourselves. We will be out and there won't be any more hiding."

"That's over a year away," he realized sadly.

"I know."

He was quiet for a few minutes, considering my suggestion. When he spoke again, his voice was soft. "Okay, we can wait, but I'm doing this for you, not Bella, or even your parents. I'll wait because you want to wait."

I leaned toward him, capturing his lips in a lingering kiss. "Thanks, Jas." When I pulled away, I saw a look of worry on his face. "What's wrong?"

Looking down at the blanket, he tugged his bottom lip between his teeth, gnawing on it. Finally, he released it and looked up at me. "What if I fuck up?"

"Fuck up?"

"I don't want to mess up. I don't want to accidently out you. Like what if I forget and touch you by accident? Or call you baby or something?"

"Then we'll deal with it," I promised him. I rolled onto my back and spread my arms for him. Eagerly, he moved into them, his body melding with mine the way that it always did. Wrapped in my embrace, he laid his head on my shoulder and sighed.

"Graduation?"

"Yep. It'll be here before you know it."

"I fucking hope so."

I kissed his forehead. "I love you, Jasper."

"I love you, too," he said, lifting his head so he could kiss me. We spent the rest of the day filling in crosswords and eating Fluffernutter sandwiches. He even read his comic book to me, acting out all the voices while I danced my fingers along his back and ass, smiling in satisfaction when his voice would rise as my fingers skimmed over the ticklish spot on his lower back. Being in the meadow wasn't always about sex. Sometimes we would go there to watch the stars and just be able to hold hands, other times we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We would nap and talk, sing and dance, eat and drink. We just…were.

The sun had set before I finally nudged my sleeping boy awake.

"You're drooling on me," I laughed when I felt a wet spot where his head was resting on my stomach. After one last round of blowjobs, we had both passed out, tangled, sweaty limbs securing us to each other. Mumbling, he raised his head and yawned.

"Can't we just stay here forever? Just you and me."

"You'd get bored of me real fast."

"Never."

"We told them we'd be home by dinner," I reminded him and he sat up and sighed. Silently we dressed and packed up. After he slung the backpack over his shoulder, he held out his hand for mine. We didn't race down the path, we took our time, walking slowly, trying to delay parting for as long as possible.

I drove us home and he held my hand.

When I pulled into his driveway, his father was working on his truck and waved to us. I waved back and Jasper sighed.

"Time to put on the mask," he mumbled. I squeezed his hand on my seat.

"Just for a bit longer. I promise."

"Love you," he whispered before opening his door.

"Love you, too."

I watched him walk over to his dad, a perfect Jasper smirk in place. He might not have liked wearing the mask, but he did it well.

"Edward?" the voice was deeper than my mother's and I tried to pry my eyes open. Rubbing the sleep from them, I saw Emmett standing beside my bed. "Well aren't you a ray of sunshine in the morning," he grinned.

"What time is it?"

"Eight. We're not scheduled until ten but I'm going into work to cover for someone so I needed to come early. I've got time if you're up for it?"

I rolled my eyes. "You talked to my mother."

"Maybe," he laughed. "She may have told me a few things."

"It wasn't that big a deal. I went for a ride with Jasper."

"Why don't you go do your routine, then you can tell me about it while I give you a massage."

"Massage? No working out today?" I asked a bit too eagerly.

"Judging by your looks, you need a massage more than a workout. We need to keep your muscles flexible and they might stiffen up after the other night."

"It was just-"

"A ride. Right, they might buy it but I don't. I can tell you're exhausted and sore, and it's not because of a ride in a truck."

Gulping and looking a lot like the fucking cat that got caught eating the canary, I nodded and reached for the chair when he moved it closer. Trying not to show him just how sore I was, I maneuvered myself into it and headed for the bathroom. I really needed a shower but decided to wait until after Emmett left. After emptying my bladder and bowels as quickly as I could, I brushed my teeth, grabbed a towel and went back to Emmett. He was sitting on my bed reading something on his phone when I wheeled in. He stood up and moved out of my way.

"Let me know when you're ready," he said as he left me alone to change. Slowly I moved back to my bed and began to undress, tossing my clothes on the floor until I was naked. Lying on my back, I put the towel over my hips.

"Ready," I called out. I heard him coming down the hall, then knock on my door before pushing it open.

"All parts hidden," he teased as he shut the door. He had three cookies in his hand and brushed the crumbs from a fourth off his shirt. "So fucking lucky. You're mom is a great cook."

"Yeah, she loves to bake. We always have pies and cakes and shit. Jasper used to eat dinner here almost every night just for the dessert."

"Speaking of Jasper," he began as he opened his bag and pulled out his massage oil. He warmed it between his hands before he began to working on my calf, his movements precise and methodical. "Tell me what happened."

"I hate it here," I mumbled. He kept working but looked up and quirked a brow at me. "Fine. I don't hate it, but I hate being stuck in here. This isn't even my room. My real room is upstairs. I hate sitting in here doing nothing. I've been going your exercises but sitting around is just fucking-"

"Depressing?"

"Yeah."

"So you left?"

"Jasper was here and we were talking. He was trying to cheer me up so he took me to this place we go sometimes."

"Details," he insisted as he worked on my thighs. I sighed, knowing what I was about to say, if not said right, was going tell Emmett a lot more than I wanted to. If Jasper had been there with me, he would have looked at me and nodded, encouraging me to confide in someone. But Emmett worked with Peri and Peri was friends with my mother, so telling Emmett meant that…

"Edward, I need to know what you did so I know what kind of muscle injuries to look for."

I closed my eyes, not able to bear looking at him as I spoke. He was next to me, his hands kneading my upper arms.

"We have this place we like to hang out. A meadow near the top of a mountain we found a few summers ago. There's a trail that leads up the mountain, but if you veer off at one spot, it leads to this open field. He helped me into his truck and drove. When we got there, he helped me out but then I pushed myself up the trail as far as I could. I made it about half a mile before I couldn't go any further. There was too much snow and the leaves kept getting stuck in the wheels."

"You pushed yourself half a mile uphill through snow?"

"About half a mile, yeah."

"Impressive. You're a lot stronger than you look. So did you get to the field?"

"Yeah, he carried me," I whispered, finally opening my eyes. His hands halted for a second, then he moved to my other arm

"How far?"

"About a quarter of a mile."

"Jesus. Is he fucking Superman?"

Yes.

"No, just really fucking stubborn. We hung out for awhile then he carried me back down to my chair."

"Edward, I'm certainly all for you getting out, but that was a really stupid thing to do. Your immune system is shot to hell right now and being out in the cold-"

"He kept me warm," I blurted out and then felt my cheeks heat up. "I mean, he made me dress warm with hat and gloves and he made me drink hot chocolate. Then he did this thing to my legs and arms before we left."

He paused and motioned for me to turn over, holding the towel up as I flipped onto my stomach, and then laying it back over my ass. When I felt his strong hands on my back, I moaned out loud. The tension and ache I'd felt since the meadow began to fade under his professional touch.

"What thing?"

"Kinda like what you do. He massaged my calves and arms, rubbing them really hard."

"He was trying to keep the blood moving," he said almost absently. "Sometimes if a paraplegic gets too cold, the blood flow slows, especially to their lower legs and arms. You're body goes into panic mode and forces your blood to your vital organs to keep them warm. It's why your lips turn blue when you're really cold, but it tends to happen quicker with paras. He knew after being still for so long that he needed to get your blood flow back, especially to your legs. Someone's been doing their research."

I buried my head into my bed, trying to hide the blush that deepened.

"After he warmed you up did you push yourself down the mountain?"

"Yeah, but going downhill was easier."

"Were you sore after?"

"Yeah, my arms and shoulders killed the next day but they're a little better today."

"I'll focus on those areas then," he said, moving his hands to the middle of my back. "So besides your trek up K2, what's new since I saw you a few days ago?"

"My mother wants me to see a therapist," I blurted out. The only way I knew he was still massaging me was because I saw the towel that had been covering my ass sitting on the bed next to me. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw him working on my right leg.

"What do you want?"

"I don't want to talk to some stranger."

"Do you want to talk to anyone?"

Jasper.

I shrugged. "Not really. I mean I like talking to you and you can answer most of my questions, but I don't need to talk to anyone else."

"In your mother's defense, it might be helpful to talk to someone who understands."

"Well, unless they are in a wheelchair, they aren't going to understand."

"True, but they are trained to understand. You have other options, ya know. You could go online and check out on some forums or something. You might find someone in your situation on there," he suggested before grabbing his bag and sitting on my bed.

"I don't know if I can do that," I admitted softly.

Wiping the oil off his hands with a moist wipe, he looked at me. "Why not?"

"Because I'm afraid of what I might find. What if I find out there's no hope for a normal life?"

"There's always hope, Edward. Remember, everyone is different, everyone has different abilities and injuries. Just because some other guy won't ever walk doesn't mean you won't be able to. It might help to find someone else who can relate to what you're going through. The same frustration and shit."

My fingers picked at my blanket while I considered his suggestion. I had tried to go online once but ended up stopping when I saw some statistics. I was already depressed as fuck, I didn't need to make it worse by reading about how many don't recover, never find a job or go bankrupt because of medical bills.

"Just think about it," he said as he stood.

"Do you think I can handle going back to school? I want to go back on Monday."

"Wow, you must really want to get out of the house if you're willing to go to school to do it." He grinned. "Physically I think you'll be fine. You will get more tired than you think but you're young and strong so you should be able to make it through the day. It's going to be hard to see everyone again though, be prepared for a lot of questions and shit."

"I will," I replied quickly, but even as I said it, I knew seeing everyone was what I feared the most.

"I hate to massage and run, but I got to go to work. Try school on Monday and if it wears you out too much, skip Tuesday. Try every other day at first if you need to. Give your body a day to recover. I'll call on Monday to see about a setting up a time for Tuesday. Be sure to do the exercises this weekend and if they seem too easy, up the weight and add five reps." He stood with his bag in his hand, his size almost completely blocking daylight from the window behind him.

"Okay. Thanks, Emmett."

"No problem, Edward. I'll probably see ya Tuesday."

"Bye."

As soon as he closed the door, I reached for my pajama bottoms so I could go take a shower. I was looking forward to sitting in the steam and letting the hot water soothe the soreness away.

Once I was showered and dressed in sweatpants and a plain black tee shirt, I sat at my desk with my laptop open to Google, trying to convince myself to take Emmett's advice and do some research about my injury. Hell, Jasper knew more about what was going on with me than I did. I took a deep breath and was just about to type when someone knocked on my door.

"Come in," I said as I closed my laptop and went to turn my chair around. My heart raced when I realized it might be Jasper. The door slowly creaked opened and I heard her take a deep breath before she stepped inside. Soft, large brown eyes fell on me and I saw them immediately fill with pity and sorrow.

I hated it, but knew it was a look I was going to have to get used to.

"Edward," she whispered, her eyes welling up until the tears spilled over onto her cheeks. "Oh my God." With her bottom lip firmly between her teeth, she took small steps around my bed to where I sat in my chair.

"Hey, Bella," I tried to smile, but seeing the sadness on her face, I felt the grief that was always simmering inside me ignite. Openly sobbing, she stood in front of me and leaned over, wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me. "Hey, don't cry again."

She sniffled into my shoulder. "Seeing you…like…"

I sighed, rubbing my hand down her back. "It's okay, I'm okay," I said until she felt strong enough to pull away. Sitting on the edge of my bed, she wiped her cheeks and smiled at me. "How are you doing?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that question?" she laughed.

"I'm fine," I shrugged. "At least as fine as I'm going to get."

Reaching out, she took my hand into her small one and squeezed it. "It'll get better," she assured me.I wanted to yell at her, to ask her just how it was going to get better and when. I hoped it was pretty fucking soon.

Instead of snapping at her like I did everyone, I just sighed, "I hope so. So what's up since we talked? Anymore gossip?"

"Not really. Mike and Jessica are fighting, but that's not news. It's been pretty boring."

"I'm sure once I get back, there'll be plenty of gossip about the cripple."

"Don't say that," she scolded me.

"Why not? It's true," I challenged her quickly. She looked away, confirming she knew I was right. I was going to be the subject of many rumors when I returned. What had really happened, who had caused the accident, had I been drinking, smoking, speeding? I was sure everyone had already formed their opinions.

"When do you think you'll be back?"

"Actually, I want to go on Monday. My mom is going to ask my dad and if he says okay, then I'm going."

"Jasper will be happy to have you back. He doesn't like sitting with me at lunch," she stopped, her bottom lip finding its way between her teeth again. "He wasn't happy with what I'd told you."

"Yeah, that was my fault. We were talking and it just came out. Sorry."

"I told him I was worried about him because he was my friend."

"He just felt a little betrayed I think, but he's fine now."

"He's scares me sometimes," she chuckled.

"Join the club. He can be pretty intimidating," I smiled. "Sometimes he won't take no for an answer."

She was quick to nod, her long, loose hair flowing over her shoulders and in front of her face, giving her a curtain to hide behind.

"Did he tell you I told him I was scared to see you?"

"Scared to see me? Why?"

Looking down at hands, she shrugged. "Because I didn't know if it would be hard for you to see someone that can still…"

"Walk?"

She nodded and angled her head so her hair fell forward, covering even more of her face.

"Honestly, sometimes I wonder why me and not someone else. What did I do to deserve this, ya know?"

"You don't deserve it, that's what makes it so wrong."

"No one deserves it I guess, but I must have done something."

"No, you didn't," she said firmly. "Don't even think like that." Leaning forward, she wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me to her as she moved closer. Burrowing her head in my neck, she gripped my hand in my lap. "This isn't your fault, you didn't deserve this," she tried to reassure me. Just as I put my free hand on her back, rubbing it gently, my door opened and Jasper walked in.

"Hey, ba-oh, sorry," he quickly changed when he saw her in my embrace. Bella leaned back, but faced me and kept her hand on mine. "I'll go."

Since we had started dating, Jasper had tried to get along with Bella and they usually did. The longer Jasper and I had been together the more tolerant of her he became. However, he would never get used to seeing Bella and I touch. Even something simple as a casual fist bump or high five had his blue eyes turning green. He'd told me it wasn't because it was Bella but rather because she was free to touch me so easily when he wasn't.

All he wanted to do was be able to touch me in public the same way he touched me in private.

Well, maybe not exactly the same, but with the same freedom.

I saw the twinge of jealousy in his eyes before it faded and was replaced with hurt. He took a step back, his hand still on the knob.

"Don't," I called out sharply and he paused, looking at me, unsure what to do.

"It's okay, I can come back later," Jasper said.

Bella sighed and stood up. "Stay, Jasper. I have to go anyway. I promised my dad I'd meet him for lunch."

I reached up and pushed her hair behind her ear, smiling sadly when she covered my hand with hers and kissed my palm.

"Maybe I'll see you Monday. Take care, Edward," she murmured as she stood and then leaned down and kissed my lips lightly. Standing, she took a deep breath before turning to face Jasper. His chin was lowered, but he was watching us through his lashes. When Bella turned, he averted his eyes to a spot on my bed. Bella walked around my bed to Jasper. "See you Monday, Jasper."

"See ya, Bella," he said as she brushed by him and left. "Awkward," he sighed, closing the door behind her. He put his bag down on my bed and walked the same path Bella just had and sat on the edge of the bed in front of me. Giving me a slight smile, he reached up and ran a finger down my cheek and over my lips.

The lips that Bella had just kissed.

I trembled, slowly bringing my gaze from his pink lips to his sapphire eyes.

"Let's try this again," he said. "Hey, baby."

I barely got out, "Hey, love," before his lips were pressed to mine. It was soft and quick, but enough to wash away any remains of the feeling of Bella's lips on mine. Pulling back, he scowled and ran the back of his hand across his mouth. "What's wrong?"

"I can taste her," he growled. "Ew…that's just gross, Edward. How can you kiss that?"

My boy was literally disgusted by the taste of her lip gloss. His reaction was so real and honest, I couldn't help it.

I started laughing.

It wasn't just a stifled laugh or a small giggle, it was a full, honest rumbling. After weeks of not hearing it, Jasper's eyes widened at the foreign sound and then he just tilted his head and grinned at me, even laughing a bit himself. The longer he watched me, the harder I laughed.

"Not sure what's so funny, but hearing you laugh…" he stopped, his voice cracking and I saw a tear slide down his cheek. I stopped laughing, my sides already sore and my breaths short. Cupping his cheek, I wiped his tear away. "It's beautiful. I never thought I'd hear it again." He shook his head, feeling foolish for crying over laughing.

"You made me laugh. No one else. You," I told him. "Can I tell you something?"

"Anything," he nodded. Sitting before me, he leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees, his hands falling between his slightly parted legs.

"It's always been you. Even when I was barely conscious, you were the only one that I wanted near me. Just you."

I wasn't saying it outright, I didn't need to with Jasper, but he knew exactly what I meant.

It had never been Bella, no matter how much she might have wished it was her, it wasn't.

It was him.

Just like he always did when I said sweet shit like that, he blushed and looked down at my lips. His eyes swam with the desire to kiss me again, but as much as he wanted to, he resisted.

"So," he said, blushing harder. "How was seeing Bella?"

"It was okay. She cried when she saw me. I hope I don't get that reaction from anyone else when I go back to school."

"You might. I mean, not from like Mike or any of the guys, but the girls might get overly emotional. They tend to do that." He smiled as he said it, knowing damn well the emotion he had just showed me. "When are you going back?"

"If my dad gives his okay, I am going back on Monday."

"This Monday?"

"Yeah."

"I can see if I can get the truck and drive us if you want."

"My parents might want to drive me in the first day. I think they want to meet with the principal, but maybe I can go in with you and then have them meet me there."

"Speaking of your parents, I just saw Alice in the hallway," he almost whispered, his cheeks darkening.

"What happened?" I asked worriedly. What if Alice had said something to him and my parents had overheard her?

"She…um…she just…well-"

"Jasper?"

"She winked at me," he whispered harshly. I tried not to laugh, I really did, but it bubbled up and out of me again anyway.

Leaning in, I returned his whisper. "She told me she has a crush on you."

Blue eyes grew wide and he jumped back from me like he'd been electrocuted. "What? She has a what…wait, what? Are you serious?" he stuttered.

"Completely serious. She told me last night."

"You talked?" His voice still high pitched from my revelation.

"Yeah, she came back after you left. She said that she suspected we were in love because of some 'stolen moment looks'."

"What the fuck are those?" he asked, furrowing his brows.

"I don't fucking know. Some looks we give each other when we think people aren't looking."

"Huh. That's it? I looked at you so that means we're in love?"

"I guess," I shrugged.

"Well, fuck, if that's the case then everyone must know."

"I don't think so. I think Alice is pretty intuitive. Plus, she is around us a lot. She said she has seen us running to my room and shit. Oh, and she mentioned catching you in a Say Anything moment."

"Oh. That." The flush returned to his soft cheeks as he looked away. "I was desperate and the movie was on TV. I got inspired by Lloyd."

"She asked how long we'd been together and if I'd broken up with Bella because of you."

"What did you tell her?" Putting his hands behind him, he rested his weight on them. His sweatshirt rode up, exposing a small sliver of skin and a dusting of hair above the waistline of his jeans. I couldn't feel them but I knew if I looked down, I would find his knees touching mine because that was just Jasper. I don't think he even knew it but if we were alone, his body was always in contact with mine in some way, usually something simple, casual, like our feet brushing each other while we lay on the bed or his elbow bumping me while we ate at the lunch table. It was like a gravitational pull.

"I told her that I had broken up with Bella before anything happened between you and me. Which is true, but I knew when I broke up with her that deep down it was partially because I had feelings for you."

"Did you tell Alice that?"

"Jesus, no." I shook my head. "But then she asked if I was gay."

"And?" he tilted his head. He knew he was, he was confident in it. Hell, he thought girls tasted bad. I had been with Bella and the physical shit with her had been nice but it hadn't been anything compared to what it was like with Jasper. It was something Jasper and I had never really discussed. I guessed he assumed I was and I knew he was.

"I told her I think I am but that I knew I loved you." The corners of his lips twitched, but he remained quiet. "She was hurt I didn't tell her before, but I told her we hadn't told anyone. Then I made her promise to keep it a secret."

"Did she?"

"Yeah, finally."

"Then she asked me if you were a good kisser," I added just to see him blush again.

"I hope you told her I was a fucking awesome kisser," he replied quickly but the pink still tainting his skin.

"Of course. I had to make her jealous," I teased him. The blush faded from his cheeks and I saw him gnawing on his bottom lip. "What?"

"Do you think it's time that we came out? I know we've planned on doing it after graduation, but now that she knows, maybe we should. Maybe others already know. I mean, if Alice suspected…"

"Yeah, but she's got nothing better to do than watch us. Plus she had a crush on you, so she was paying attention, especially to you. Our parents and other friends aren't. They're busy with their own lives."

"Maybe we should tell them. At least our parents," he said quietly. "It might make things easier."

"Not after this," I began, motioning to my legs. "It's bad enough that I'm going to be the freak in a wheelchair, I don't need to be the queer in the wheelchair too." My voice had began to take on the hard edge I'd had grown familiar with. Pushing himself forward, he glanced over his shoulder at my door before taking my hands in both of his. Gazing at me with the intensity he always had, he gave me a smile. It was small, but it lit up the dark shroud around me.

"I understand. You know I'll do whatever you want, right? If you want to wait, we wait."

"I want to wait," I said firmly.

"Then I do too," he agreed. I felt his thumb stroking the back of my hand and my heart, which had been racing at the thought of coming out, began to slow.

"It's just my parents have enough to deal with right now. The scholarship from U of W will surely be revoked now, and there is the cost of the changes to the house, the hospital bills. They don't need to deal with a gay son on top of all that. It'd be pretty fucking selfish of me to come out now, to drop that in their laps, just to make it easier on us."

He nodded. "I get it, baby. I do."

Sighing, I looked away. I refused to get upset again, it seemed it was all I ever did anymore. I wanted to enjoy that he was back in my life rather than argue over coming out. I wanted him to take me to the meadow, hold me and dance with me, make all the confusion and pain go away.

He was the only one who could.

"Babe, when do you think I'll hear back from U of W? What if I don't get in?" His lowered his chin and I could hear the fear in his voice.

"Probably early March. I don't know if I'll get in now, they might revoke more than my scholarship. They're not going to want me if I can't play basketball for them."

For as long as I could remember, I'd wanted to go to the University of Washington to play basketball with the Huskies and study music. My dream became a reality when in early fall, a recruiter had approached my basketball coach, asking to meet me. After providing my transcript and spring SAT scores, they offered me a full scholarship to play ball for them. While Jasper had fretted over his application essay, I sat around and worked on my jump shot. While he filled out the online application, I had rubbed his back, resting my head on his shoulder and smiling when he clicked submit.

"There's just one problem with this school," he'd said to me seriously.

"What?" I had asked, lifting my head.

"Purple isn't my color."

"Dork," I had whispered as I carded my fingers through his hair and turned his head to me, capturing his lips with mine in a long, languid congratulatory kiss.

Reaching out, I pushed his hair off his face so I could see the eyes I knew so well. "Of course you'll get in. They'd be fucking stupid to not want you."

"My GPA isn't as high as yours."

"You run like the wind."

"I don't play the piano."

"You can draw anything you see."

He sighed, shaking his head. "How do you always-"

"Know the right thing to say?" I finished for him. "Same way you do. Listen, if we don't get in, we'll try someplace else. I just have to make sure I can get into their dorms."

"Don't they all have to be wheelchair accessible now?"

"To get inside them yes, but there's other stuff besides getting inside, like bathrooms and shit."

"You know I'm not going anywhere without you, right?"

As if I ever questioned it.

"Me either," I said, glancing down at my chair. "Literally."

Leaning forward, he put his forehead to mine. "Edward?"

"Yeah?" I said breathlessly, my pulse already racing from his touch.

"I...I think…that…weshoulddohomeworknow." He grinned and I pushed his shoulder so hard he fell back onto my bed.

"You're an ass."

"You like my ass," he reminded me with a sexy smirk. It was the first sexual thing he had said to me since the accident. The flirting between us had been nonexistent, but Jasper just fell back into it, into us, so easily and comfortably. We still had a lot to work through, there were going to be some really fucking horrible days and there was going to be yelling and probably more fucking crying, but there was a light at the end of my long, dark tunnel.

It was a light of wheat and blue.

Shaking my head, I backed up and pushed myself over to my books. I struggled to reach them and he let me. While Jasper pulled out his history book, I contorted in every direction to pick mine up off the floor. Finally, I got it against my foot, which allowed me to reach it with my fingertips and pull it up to my lap.

"That was easy," I said sarcastically as I pulled up the bed and put my book on it. Jasper smiled and opened his book to the chapter we needed. "Hey, Jas?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks."

Smiling, he looked up at me and just nodded, knowing I didn't need any more acknowledgement than that. I was going to have a lot of struggles ahead, probably every day, and Jasper was going to let me struggle, he was going to let me fail, let me fuck up, because he knew it was the only way I was going to get better and move into this new reality I'd been forced into. He also knew that sometimes I was going to hate him for it, resent that he could walk and I couldn't, hate that he pushed me to do something and then watched me fail at it. He was letting me take my broken wings and learn to fly. At the same time, I knew the second I really needed help, he was going to be there, only a glance away.

Because that's what love was.

I thought I had known that before, what love was, what it meant to be in love, but it wasn't until I witnessed Jasper refusing to give up on me, on us, that I really understood the true meaning of love. It was so much more than a word.

It was unconditional support, knowing when to let go and when to hold their hand. It was pushing and pulling, forcing and yielding. It was knowing when to cry and when to laugh.

It was Jasper and me.

Our relationship had always been give and take and it was hard for me to see what Jasper was going to get out of being with me now. To me, the scales of our relationship had tipped and Jasper was going to be doing all the giving without getting anything in return. I knew he would say that he had me and that was all he wanted, that nothing else mattered, and as much as I wanted to believe him, to honestly believe he meant it, deep down I knew part of me was preparing for the day that he would realize his mistake and leave.

It wasn't that I didn't trust Jasper's love for me, it was that I thought he deserved more than pushing around a wheelchair for the rest of his life, regardless of who was sitting in it.

With one last knowing smile, he told me what page we were on and we began to go over the weekend's homework. I pushed my uncertain thoughts aside and just reveled in the fact that he was in my room, sitting on my bed and smiling.

We spent a few hours going over schoolwork to get me ready to return on Monday. When my dad got home about dinner time, he knocked on the door and came in. I was in my chair with my book on my lap. Jasper was sprawled on my bed, his feet tapping to "Real Love" while he skimmed over the latest calculus assignment. He looked up and gave my dad a nod.

"You're mother and I talked about you going back to school on Monday," he said in his doctor voice.

"And?"

"I think if you feel you're up for it, you should try it."

"Really?" I said, probably sounding more excited than I should.

"Yes, but we are going to meet with the principal that morning to go over a few things. They need to be made aware of your limitations and what you'll need. Your mother called yesterday and told them that you would be in on Monday."

"Thanks, Dad. Um, Jasper offered to drive me to school and I'd like to go with him if that's okay."

My father glanced at Jasper, who quickly looked away. He was still feeling the shame of the night in the meadow.

"That's fine with me, your mother and I can meet you there," he said as he leaned against the door jamb.

"Thanks."

"You look better today, more color in your cheeks. How are you feeling?"

"Okay. Emmett came by and gave me a massage. I think that helped." There was no hiding pain from my dad. From his years of being a doctor, he'd learned to read people's ailments pretty fucking well. He could tell if you were really sick or just pretending to be to get out of an English presentation. He could also tell when you were hiding a strained hamstring because you wanted to play in the semifinal game of the playoffs.

"You want to give the muscles time to recover so try to take it easy the rest of the weekend," he instructed me but then looked at Jasper. "That means no truck rides."

"Yes, sir," Jasper answered politely.

"Esme wants to know if you'll be staying for dinner?"

"No, sir, I'm supposed to meet my dad for pizza. My mom is working the nightshift tonight."

"Okay, then. Please say hi to your dad, it seems I always miss him when he's here."

"I will."

My father nodded and then left. Jasper let out a long breath and dropped his forehead to his open book. We studied for about another hour before it was time for Jasper to leave. He packed his bag and pulled on his sweatshirt before sitting on my bed again.

"I'll come by tomorrow and we can finish this assignment. Then you should be all caught up."

"Sounds good."

Without asking, he leaned forward and brushed his lips over mine twice before pulling away.

"Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow."

He stood and went to the door, his hand on the knob. He spoke without turning. "Be safe, baby."

I saw his shoulders tense as he waited for my reply. If I could have seen his face, I know I would have seen his brows knitted and his bottom lip between his teeth as he waited, hoped, to hear the words.

"See ya soon, love," I whispered just loud enough for him to hear. His shoulders fell and I heard him gasp before he opened the door and walked out.

Love was telling the other person what they wanted to hear.

It was saying what you needed to say.

"**~~**"

The drizzle fell steadily from the thick, gray clouds hovering ominously over the school.

"I don't know if I can do this," I whispered to him, nervously looking out the window at the parking lot as other students parked and got out of their cars. After meeting up with friends, they lithely walked into school, having no idea I was sitting in Jasper's truck with a lump in my throat. "I don't know if I can face them."

They hadn't changed.

They could still walk.

My stomach was in knots and my hands were practically shaking.

I'd been up for hours, barely sleeping the night before. I thought going back to school would be a relief, would get me out of the house, but when morning came, I was so nervous I felt sick. Since I was up, I did my morning bladder and bowel routine, then took a shower and got dressed. The entire process had taken me over two hours. When I was finally dressed in jeans and my green apple Beatles tee shirt, I packed my backpack, making room for a few catheter kits, iodine wipes and gloves. Ten minutes later, while I was putting on my sweatshirt, Jasper had showed up, knocking on my door and asking if I was ready.

I had nodded and then followed him out to the living room where I told my mom and dad I'd meet them at the school. They said okay, but I saw the worry on my mother's face. Jasper held the door for me and I pushed myself outside and down the ramp, waiting at the passenger side for Jasper. The ride to school had been slightly better than the one to the meadow. Every time we were faced with an oncoming car, my heart pounded in my chest and I clenched Jasper's hand tightly.

"Me, baby," he reminded me to look at him each time he felt me tense. He talked the entire way to school, mostly random chatter, but it kept my mind occupied, forcing me to focus on what he was saying and not the other cars.

I felt his warm fingers entwined with mine on the seat between us. "I'll be right by your side. I'm not going anywhere." Looking over at him, I saw his encouraging smile. "You can do this, baby, I know you can."

Taking a deep breath, I nodded and squeezed his hand. He released it and got out, stopping at the back to get my chair before he opened my door. Reaching around me, he grabbed the towel that had been sitting on the seat and then he bent over and wiped the drizzle off my chair so I wouldn't get wet when I sat in it. I couldn't believe he had thought to bring a towel. It was my ass sitting in the chair and I hadn't thought to bring one.

But he had.

He stood up and tossed the towel in the truck and caught me staring at him.

"What?"

"You brought a towel."

"Um, yeah, it's raining," he stated the obvious. "There's no cap on the truck and I didn't want your seat wet."

Once he positioned my chair, he reached for me, sliding one arm under my knees and the other behind my back. Before anyone could see us, he quickly lowered me into the chair and waited while I straightened my feet out on the pedals. When I sat up, I found Jasper holding my backpack for me. I took it and placed it on my lap.

"Ready?"

"I guess so," I shook my head and moved so he could close the door. Spinning the chair around, I saw that the few students left in the parking lot had stopped to look. Their mouths dropped, eyes widened, and breaths hitched. I felt their gazes on me as I began to wheel myself toward the main entrance. "They're staring," I said quietly to Jasper as we passed two kids from our history class standing next to their car. Keeping my eyes on the wet pavement, I avoided looking at them. "They're all staring at me," I repeated.

"Maybe they're just glad to see you," Jasper countered optimistically.

"Yeah, right," I huffed.

We reached the entrance and were faced with the stairs in the middle or a twisting ramp to our left. Jasper didn't even hesitate; he just headed for the ramp, his long strides carrying him easily up the sloping concrete. At the top, he held the door open for me.

"Is there a button here?" he asked as I neared, glancing at the brick wall in either side of the door. "I don't see one. They should have one installed."

"At least they have a ramp," I sighed as I pushed myself over the threshold, still feeling the slight ache from the trek up to the meadow, although soreness had lessened a bit each day. Jasper walked next to me until we reached the principal's office where my parents were waiting by the door. My mother smiled at me as we approached.

"Hey, Mom and Dad."

"Ready?" my father asked and I gave him a slight nod.

"I'll see you in English?" I said to Jasper, looking up at him. I knew he saw it, the fear in my eyes and heard the tremor in my voice that I tried to hide from everyone but him.

He acknowledged it the only way he could. "You bet," he smiled. "Bye, Dr. Cullen and Mrs. Cullen," he said with a wave before heading down the hall. My parents turned and entered the main office while I watched Jasper walk away. When he got the corner, he stopped and turned.

"You can do it," he mouthed before winking and turning away. I heard him break into a sprint to make it to English before the bell rang.

"Edward?" my mother said, holding the door for me. I pushed myself into the office and was immediately faced with the large counter where students and visitors checked in. It was partially blocking the entrance to Mr. Bradshaw's office, leaving no room for me to get my chair around.

"Damn it," my father mumbled as the secretary called the principal to announce we were there.

"It's okay," I sighed, but he shook his head.

"No, it's not. It's not right. You've been here five minutes and already you're been prevented from doing something," he grumbled.

Just then, Mr. Bradshaw opened his door. "Edward, wonderful to see you again, you look great," he greeted me with a smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," I shrugged.

"He'd be better if he could get into your office," my father announced boldly. Mr. Bradshaw looked at the counter and then to my chair.

"Sorry about that. We can meet out here today, but for future meetings we can use another room," he promised.

I didn't want to meet in the main office. I didn't want kids to walk by and see me in there. I didn't want other people to overhear my parents telling Mr. Bradshaw that I needed longer bathroom breaks so I could empty my bladder by putting a tube in my dick or that I needed extra time to get to classes because I could only use specific hallways that had ramps.

But that was going to be the story of my life, doing shit I didn't want to do.

Keeping my eyes on the backpack in my lap, I followed them to a small couch against the wall. My parents sat in it while Mr. Bradshaw sat across from them in a chair.

"Are you glad to be back, Edward?" Mr. Bradshaw asked as I pulled up to them and stopped.

"Yeah."

"Nervous?"

"A little," I admitted.

My father spoke up. "I hope the rest of the school is better prepared for his needs than this room is."

"Well, we've tried to prepare all your classrooms by making sure that there is a desk without a chair in the front of each room. We've also made sure the doorways are clear. At lunch, you'll have to sit at the end of a table because the stools are attached to the tables. You've been granted permission to go to lunch five minutes early so you can beat the crowds and get through the line easier. Of course all the bathrooms have handicapped accessible stalls."

I cringed at the word handicapped but nodded anyway.

"Your mother told me a bit about your bathroom routine and all your teachers have been informed that you may need extra time. Mrs. Cullen, did you bring in extra catheter bags?"

"Yes, I'll drop them off with the nurse before we leave."

"Very good." He turned back to me. "Your schedule is the same except instead of gym class, you'll have a study block."

"Why?"

He looked at me confused. "What do you mean, Edward? You can't do gym."

My blood heated, but I let the comment slide.

Maybe he was right. I had no business being in gym class anymore.

My parents asked a few questions about the school nurse and her knowledge of paraplegics. I blocked out their conversation, concentrating on looking into the hallway through the frosted glass window above the couch. I saw my fellow classmates walking by, talking and laughing, boyfriends' arms slung around their girlfriends' shoulders. Whenever any of them happened to glance in, I would quickly look away.

Finally my parents stood and shook Mr. Bradshaw's hand.

"I hope next time I'm here there is an appropriate place to meet," my father reminded him.

"Of course, we'll find another office or see if we can't move this counter somehow. Edward, do you want me to walk you to class?" Mr. Bradshaw offered.

"No, I'm fine, thanks."

I backed my chair up and followed my parents out the door. In the hall, my mother bent over to hug me and I swear I heard her sniffle.

"You need to come home, you call me, okay? I have some errands to run but I'll have my cell with me. I can be here in a few minutes. We drove Alice in, she said she would meet you at lunch."

"Okay, Mom." She pulled back and tried to fix my forever messy hair. "Don't worry, I'll be fine."

My father put his hand on my shoulder. "If you have any problems, find Jasper. He'll take care of you, get you whatever you need okay?"

I nodded. "Okay, I'll see you guys later."

I expected them to leave but they just stood there. Turning the chair, I headed down the hall toward the corner. When I turned it, I looked back and saw them staring after me. My mother waved and my dad smiled. I waved back and then continued down the hall until I reached my English classroom.

Swallowing thickly, I reached out and grabbed the knob. I opened the door, awkwardly holding it while I tried to maneuver around it. Our teacher, Mrs. Goddard, stopped speaking and ran over to hold the door.

"I got it," I said as I entered.

"Welcome back, Edward," she said, stepping aside to let me by. I knew when I looked up I would find the room hadn't changed at all in my absence. The three tall windows would still be on the far wall, and the middle one would be cracked opened in the dead of winter. There would be four rows of five desks and a long counter running along the back wall with piles of papers and books on it. Mrs. Goddard's desk was in a corner in the front, sitting at an angle facing the door.

"Thanks," I mumbled, finally looking up from the shiny linoleum floor to the faces of the kids in my class. I knew every one of them; most of them had been in preschool with me. I knew their parents, their brothers and sisters and what colleges most wanted to get into, but as I sat there facing them, I felt like they were all strangers and they certainly didn't know me. Glancing around quickly, I saw their expressions ranged from pity to confusion to shock to…love.

With his book opened before him on his desk, he smiled at me. Since the start of school, Jasper and I had sat in the back row where we could talk and go relatively unnoticed. But Jasper wasn't in the back row.

He was sitting next to the desk that had been assigned to me.

My heart swelled, my body warmed and all the anxiousness I'd had over entering the class and facing everyone vanished. I wheeled over to the desk next to him and put my backpack on it. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jasper smile.

"If you have any questions on anything, Edward, just speak up," Mrs. Goddard instructed.

"Okay, thanks."

She turned back to the whiteboard and Jasper leaned toward me.

"Welcome back," he murmured. Keeping my eyes on the teacher's back, I smiled.

Maybe it would be okay after all.

I made it through class, and thanks to Jasper's tutoring, understood everything discussed. I focused on what she was teaching but found myself soothed more by the angel next to me and his deep breaths, the way he twirled the pen in his hand and scrunched his brows when he was concentrating. It was as if he was emitting a calm that penetrated and eased my nervousness. The teacher assigned our homework and then the bell rang. As soon as the students began to stand, I was surrounded.

"Welcome back, Edward."

"How are you feeling?"

"Does it hurt?"

"Can you walk?"

"Are you still playing basketball? We've got a game on Friday."

Just as I went to run my hand through my hair, overwhelmed by the attention and questions, Jasper stood, his tall frame filling the space and everyone scattered. They filed out the door while Jasper gathered his books and picked up his bag.

"Ready?" he asked me casually, ignoring the fact that he had just scared off about half a dozen kids. Nodding, I backed up from the desk and we left the room and headed to calculus.

The halls were wide but crowded and I was paranoid I was going to run over someone's toes or bump into them. Somehow I made it down one corridor without doing either.

"Edward," she called out from behind me and before I could turn, I heard her running to catch up to us. Even from a few feet away, I felt Jasper tense, just briefly, as Bella got closer. She stopped in front of me, glancing at Jasper with a relieved smile before bending over and hugging me tightly. Burying her face in the crook of my neck, she sighed and then stood up. "It's so good to see you here again."

"Thanks," I replied numbly.

"Will you guys be at lunch?"

"Yeah, sure," I said, looking up at Jasper for confirmation. Then again, I knew he'd be with me because it was going to take an act of God to get him to leave my side…or at least a separate class.

"Are you on your way to calculus?"

Jasper snorted at her obvious question, barely keeping himself from saying something sarcastic.

"Yeah." I turned the chair back around and Bella walked between Jasper and me. When we reached the classroom, Jasper grabbed the door and held it for Bella, tipping his head at her as she walked by and rolling his eyes at me. Bella went to her seat and I wheeled to mine. My heart fell when I saw someone sitting next to it and I glanced worriedly back at Jasper. He stepped around me.

"Hey, Luke, do ya mind if I sit there? Edward and I need to share a book, I forgot mine," Jasper asked him in a friendly, apologetic tone.

Luke looked up at Jasper and shook his head. "Sure, no problem," he said, standing and picking up his book.

Grinning in satisfaction at me, Jasper sat down, his lanky body folding up into the small chair. "These things were not made for anyone over eight," he groaned. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Bella smiling at me and I smiled back.

Jasper tapped my arm. "Hey, can we share a book? I forgot mine."

I almost laughed.

All four classes that morning were a carbon copy of the one before it. A hush fell over the each room when I entered, the teachers welcomed me back with open arms, and I was either pounded with questions or completely ignored. Mostly, I stayed by Jasper's side until I was forced to go to my only class without him.

When I entered my music appreciation class, I was alone and felt the absence of him next to me. The teacher greeted me and asked the same questions as everyone else had, and I gave him the standard answer I had memorized. I sat the desk at the front but without Jasper next to me to focus on, I heard the other students talking in hushed whispers around me.

"I heard he was speeding."

"Really? Someone told me he was drunk."

"No, man, he was getting head from Bella and swerved. Killed the other driver."

Forcing my eyes on my desk, I clenched my jaw, willing away the emotions that threatened to overtake me. My heart raced and I bit down on my lip to keep the tears at bay. I didn't want them to see me any weaker than I already was. Had they been saying shit in all my classes and I hadn't heard them? Had Jasper's presence lulled me so much that I had ignored what was really being said around me?

"I heard the school had to do a bunch of shit so he could come back."

"Yeah, but still, it must suck, ya know? Being stuck in a chair for life? No thanks."

"If he's paralyzed below the waist, can he still get it up?"

"Edward?" my teacher called out to me as I headed for the exit. I opened the heavy wooden door and pushed myself out of it, my chair bumping into it a few times, pinching my hand between the worn wood and my handgrips. "Edward, are you al-"

The door swung shut, drowning out the end of the question.

With my backpack on my lap, I pushed myself as fast as I could down the hall and turned the corner toward Jasper's World War II class. When I reached the end of the hall, I was faced with a huge flight of stairs directly in front of me.

I had gone the wrong way. The ramp was at the other end.

"Fuck," I growled and spun the chair around, slamming my wheel into the cement wall of the corner. By the time I finally reached the ramp, my hands hurt and I was out of breath. Tears streamed down my face as the voices from the kids in my class repeated in my head.

Really? Someone told me he was drunk.

Being stuck in a chair for life? No thanks.

...can he still get it up?

I forced myself up the ramp and down another long corridor, feeling the soreness in my arms from the abnormal exertion. A few kids passed me, staring at the crying cripple as I wheeled past them with my head down, my tears falling onto my backpack. I couldn't hear my short breaths or the muffled sounds of teachers instructing their classes behind closed doors, all I heard were those voices over and over.

I heard he was speeding.

…getting head from Bella…

Killed the other driver.

...find Jasper. He'll take care of you.

Finally, I reached Jasper's class and I knocked on the door, gasping for breath through the sobs. His teacher opened the door and my eyes scanned the room. I had never needed anyone more than I needed him right then.

I needed him to fix it, fix me.

He was sitting near the back, twirling a pencil in his hand while he read. When he lifted his head from his notebook, his eyes landed on me, on the tears on my face. Standing, he threw his books in his bag before his teacher had even spoken.

"Mr. Cullen, is everything okay?" the stout man with gray hair asked. Before I could answer, Jasper pushed past him.

"I gotta go, Mr. Beatty," Jasper said as he exited the room. I backed my chair up, out of view of the other students.

"Mr. Whitlock, you need to come back in here right now."

Jasper ignored him and kneeled in front of me.

"You okay? Are you hurt?"

I shook my head, unable to stop the sobs as they erupted from me.

"Mr. Whitlock?"

Jasper glared at him. "I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. Beatty."

Mr. Beatty stepped back into his room and closed his door.

"Baby, what's wrong?" Jasper hands skimmed over my arms and face, unknowingly taking on some of his mother's nursing traits. In his touch I could feel her practiced skill, only Jasper's hands were warmer, loving, not clinical.

"Get me out of here please," I gasped out. Nodding, he stood and put his hands on the handles of the chair. For the first time since I'd been sentenced to this life, I let someone push me. His strides were powerful as he headed down the hall and toward the ramp. Students passed us, even a teacher or two, but no one questioned my defeated body, my slouched shoulders and hanging head, as Jasper rushed me from the school. By the time he reached the main exit, my cheeks had begun to dry but the tears started again when we arrived at his truck and he reached down for me.

I wanted to hold him, cry on his shoulder, and release everything that was inside me.

He set me down in the cab and put my chair in the back before running to get inside the truck. As soon as he started it, he looked over at me and took my hands.

"Baby, tell me what happened?"

"Just take me home," I sighed, looking out the window. I winced when he took my hand in his and his fingers brushed over my tender skin. He saw me flinch and lifted my hands. Several large blisters had started to form on my palms, the skin swollen and whitened from the fluid gathered under it.

"Jesus," he mumbled. He shifted into reverse and pulled out. Finally feeling safe from the ridicule, I closed my eyes and let the tears fall more freely.

Jasper was quiet on the drive home, but every few minutes he would reach over and stroke my arm. My mother's car wasn't there when we pulled into the driveway and I realized I'd never thought to call her and ask her to get me.

It had been Jasper who I'd thought of first.

Shifting into park, he got out and went to get my chair. When he opened the door, he reached for the towel and dried the leather seat off for me. I felt weak and my head lolled to the side as I watched him. Tossing the towel onto the floor of the cab, he slid his arm under my knees and the other around my back while I wrapped my arms around his neck. With a soft grunt, he lifted me.

I clung to him, burying my face into his shoulder, trying to absorb some of his strength. His nuzzled his nose in my hair, whispering to me the entire time.

"It's okay, baby, it's okay." Suddenly he stopped and raised his head. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah."

"I feel something… wet," he muttered. At first, I assumed it was the rain that was steady falling on us or the puddles that often gathered in the low spots of my driveway.

But it was neither.

I could smell it.

"FUCK!" I growled through clenched teeth.

"What is it, what's wrong?" he asked urgently.

"Put me down now," I mumbled. He did as I asked, but I could still see the concern on his face. Once I was in the chair, his eyes fell to my lap and the giant, dark stain on my jeans. When I looked up at him, I saw a similar mark on his sweatshirt.

"Baby?"

"Just fucking pissed myself," I snapped, pushing the chair back from him. He closed the truck's door and followed me up the ramp. "Apparently that's not bad enough because I pissed on you too."

I opened the door, slamming my hand into it when I tried to hold it and push through at the same time.

"FUCKING SHIT!" I yelled. He appeared beside me and held the door. The smell of urine grew stronger when he was near. My wheel got stuck on the small matt near the front door and I stopped the chair and just started crying again.

Kneeling in front of me, his arms wound around my neck as he pulled me to him, laying my head on his shoulder. I smelled his shampoo from his damp hair and my piss that soaked the front of his sweatshirt. He held me until I pulled away.

"Do you need me to help you?"

"You want to clean up my piss?" I snarled.

"You would do it for me," he shrugged. I laid my head against the back of the chair and sighed.

"Sorry," I said, bringing my eyes to meet his.

"Don't worry about it. Let's get cleaned up."

I went down to my room with Jasper following behind me. Once we entered, I turned to Jasper.

"Can I borrow your phone? I left mine in my bag in your truck."

He handed his to me and I called my mom.

"Hey, Mom, just wanted to let you know that I'm home," I told her waiting for the onslaught of questions.

"What happened? Are you okay? Are you alone? Is Jasper with you?" she asked, just as I had suspected.

"I'm fine. I just…I got to music appreciation and I had to get out of there. Maybe it was too soon, I don't know, but I had to get out. I'm not alone. Jasper brought me home and is here now."

Jasper stood in front of me, piss stained sweatshirt and all, listening to the half lie I was telling my mother.

"I had a few more places to go, do you need me there?"

"No, we're good."

"Have Jasper make you something for lunch," she suggested.

"I will."

"I should be home in a few hours. Do you need anything?"

My legs.

"No, I'm all set, thanks."

"Okay, honey, see you in awhile."

"Bye, Mom."

"Bye."

I hit end and handed it back to Jasper, who tossed it onto my table.

"What happened, Edward?"

"Later," I sighed. "I want to get out of these clothes."

"Do you have some sweatpants I can borrow?" he asked.

"Yeah, bottom drawer I think."

Transferring myself to my bed, I pulled off my sweatshirt and tee shirt and then lifted my legs up to take off my sneakers. When I unbuttoned my jeans, Jasper took off his sweatshirt and put it in the pile of clothes on the floor I'd started. I glanced away when I saw the urine stain had gone through his sweatshirt and onto his tee shirt.

I had pissed on Jasper.

Did it get any worse than peeing on your boyfriend? Coming in seconds, not able to get it up, drooling in your sleep or even farting during sex were nothing compared to soaking the one your love with your urine.

I was ashamed and embarrassed, but I guessed I should have been thankful it happened at home and not at school. I never would have gone back if I had wet myself at school.

Jasper tugged off his tee shirt and then toed off his sneakers. I was lying on my side pulling my jeans down over my hips when I felt his hand on my wrist. Releasing the hold on my pants, I let him roll me onto my back. Slowly, he tugged my jeans down my body and off. He glanced at my briefs and then up at my eyes for permission. When I nodded, he hooked his thumbs under the elastic and pulled the soaked cotton down. They got stuck under my ass once, but I rocked my body to the side and he was able to free them and pull them off. Then I lay on my bed, naked in front of him for the first time in over a month.

My body looked the same, the muscles in my legs still holding their shape. It hadn't been long enough for them to lose their firmness yet, though it was going to happen. My dick hadn't changed, it was still the same size and thickness, still framed with brown curls as it lay soft against my hip.

He stood before me bare-chested, his jeans resting low on his hips as he gazed at me with deep, honest eyes and I swear I could see heaven in them.

"You're so beautiful, Edward," he whispered, his eyes never leaving mine, never glancing at my limp cock or idle legs. Instead, he looked inside me, into my soul.

"Do you want to take a shower with me?" I asked him, surprised when I heard the offer slip from my lips.

"What about your mother?" he asked eagerly.

"She won't be home for a few hours. Dad works late on Mondays and Alice isn't due home until after school."

His jeans and briefs were off in record time.

Jasper had the body of an athlete. In every sense of the word, his body was made for performing. His long legs were lined with corded muscles while his slim hips and wide shoulders helped balance and center of gravity. Sinewy muscles moved under the smooth skin of his firm chest and his back rippled with tendons and muscles. The crevices of his abdomen, where my tongue had spent so much time, were defined. Due to running, his lower body was well developed and while his arms weren't as big as mine, they were strong and lean. He was truly a work of art.

Tearing my eyes from him, I used my hands to push myself upright and went to reach for my chair to move back into it. He stopped me again, picking me up instead.

We were skin to skin.

He felt so warm. I put my arm around his neck and kissed his shoulder as he left the room with me in his arms.

In the bathroom, I opened the shower door for us and he placed me in the shower chair before stepping into the giant stall himself.

"Hey," he said with a shy smile as he stood naked in front of me, his cock just about level with my mouth. Taking showers together was something that rarely happened for us, we had only done it a handful of times. They had all been rushed, barely having time to get clean and finish the handjobs we gave each other.

"Hey," I replied, tilting my head and looking up at him.

"Fancy meeting you here," he chuckled.

He reached down and turned the shower on, letting it warm up before lifting the nozzle from the handle and spraying himself from head to feet. Once he was done, he handed the shower to me. I wet my feet and legs, working up my body to my hair. Soaking it thoroughly, I let the water run down my head and face before handing the hose back to Jasper. He put it back on the hook and then grabbed the shampoo. I waited for him to reach up to his own hair but he stepped behind my chair and before I could ask him what he was doing, I felt his hands on my head, lathering up the shampoo. My head fell back and I shivered, my entire body, even the parts that couldn't feel shit, reveling in his tender touch.

And I moaned, fucking moaned, when his fingers began to massage my scalp. It was the best thing I'd felt since the accident. My body relaxed under his touch, but I felt my heart beat faster and goose bumps covered my shoulders and arms.

"Jesus, that feels so good," I murmured before closing my eyes, my mind emptying of everything but his touch. There was no piss, no fucking gossiping kids, no offices I couldn't enter.

There was just him and me in the shower.

With each light graze of his fingers, he washed away the day. Every bad thing that had happened went down the drain with the water and soap.

"Tell me what happened, baby."

And all came rushing back.

As much as I wanted to forget the day, he deserved to know. After all, I had dragged him out of his class and made him take me home.

"You said I could do it and I thought you were right, I thought I could too, but in music, there were these kids-"

"Who?"

I already felt the anger rising in him. "I'm not sure. I think it was Karen, Micah, and Steve. Maybe Beth too, I don't know. I heard them saying shit about me. About the accident. They said I had been drinking, that I caused it and killed the other guy. One even said that Bella had been giving me road head and I swerved…"

"Fucking assholes," he snarled.

"There was other shit too, like I took a wrong turn and missed the ramp so I had to turn around and go down the English wing again. Then there was the meeting with Mr. Bradshaw. I couldn't even get into his fucking office and then he fucking treated me like a third grader. The teachers were nice enough but they all sounded so condescending. Like I wasn't as smart anymore. Like the accident took away my intelligence too. Where they fuck did they think I kept my brain? My legs?"

He listened to me rant as he finished my hair. Then he reached for nozzle and rinsed the shampoo out, his long fingers threading through the damp locks easily. When he was done, he leaned over me and grabbed the shower puff and poured body wash on it. Without asking me, he dragged it along my shoulders and down my arms, squeezing the soap out to lather on my skin. His touch was soft but rough enough to get me clean. He worked slowly and with care, covering every spot of my upper body, concentrating on my waist and hip where I had wet myself.

"Then I was so nervous about today that I forgot to use the bathroom at school. My bladder got too full and when you picked me up outside, the pressure on it caused it to empty…all over us. I'm sorry," I mumbled, hanging my head right before the tears started again. Suddenly, he was crouching in front of me, one hand curving around my neck, the other on top of mine in my lap.

"Don't, baby. Don't apologize for something you can't control."

"But I could. If I had gone to the fucking bathroom. I can't believe I forgot."

"Right, because it's not like you had anything else on your mind or anything. Baby, shit like that is going to happen, we just have to figure out a way to deal with it, okay? Let's do this one thing at a time. How often do you need to go?"

Picking up my foot, he braced it on his thigh and then washed my leg, pouring more body wash on the puff when he needed to. He put that foot down and picked up the other, repeating his actions. I watched him as he moved, the way his eyes never left his hands on my body, the way he touched me reverently.

"About every ninety minutes. Two hours is probably good, but not much longer."

"Okay, so how about you set your alarm on your phone to go off every two hours to remind yourself, at least until you get into the habit."

"The alarm would go off in class."

"So?"

Taking a shaky breath, I nodded. He put my foot down and then with a shy glance at me, picked up my cock and held it in his open palm. The tip of his tongue darted out when he licked his lips as he squeezed the lather from the puff onto me. Using his hand instead of the sponge, he rubbed the soap over my cock and then held it up to clean my balls and between my legs. The slight flush of his cheeks was the only hint of his eagerness to do more than wash me.

"Okay, now the assholes in your class. There isn't much we can do about them other than ignore them, but I do have an idea."

"Jasper, no, don't do anything stupid."

"Who me? Stupid? Never," he smirked. "Anything else?"

"My hands hurt," I whispered. Watching me through his lashes, he lifted my hands to his mouth, palm up, and placed a kiss in the center of each one.

"I'll take care of these too."

"How?"

"You'll see."

Taking a deep breath, I inhaled his essence mixed with steam.

"Mr. Beatty is going to be pissed at you for leaving without reason."

"I had a reason."

"He'll still be mad. Maybe give you a detention."

"I don't care," he shrugged casually and I knew he really didn't care. For him, getting a detention for helping me was worth it.

Looking at the darkened leather around his wrist, I traced the intricate pattern while he gazed at me. "Do you always wear it in the shower?"

"I never take it off," he assured me.

"I'm so tired," I sighed. Jasper kneeled on the shower floor in front of me and laid his head in my lap, his hands resting loosely on my hips. "If I can't even make it through a school day, what else am I going to fail at?"

"Probably a lot, Edward," he replied honestly into my damp skin. "But that's okay. We'll just pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and keep going."

"How can you always be so fucking sure?" I sighed, my fingers finding their way into his wet silk, separating the darkened curls.

Lifting his head, he looked up at me and replied simply, easily, "Because I have you," before putting his head back down.

We sat in my shower, completely naked and drenched with his head in my lap, his nose grazing the inside of my thigh, his breaths washing over me while my cock, completely flaccid and useless, was nestled under his cheek. Slumping forward, I kept one hand in his hair while my arm wrapped around his shoulders and I rested on top of him.

Holding onto each other, we breathed and cried. I released some anger, he released some fears. I clawed at his back while he dug his nails into my hips in a mutual effort to get closer. The longer he was in my embrace, the better I began to feel. Maybe he was right, maybe there was a way to be me in this new life, just a different version of me. It wasn't going to be easy, in fact, it was going to be a fucking long fight, but as I drew from his strength, rebuilding my own, I began to think the fight was possible. I was going to lose battles along the way, but those losses would only make the victory in the end more satisfying.

I wasn't going to let the chair beat me.

It was going to hurt, I was going to fall down and bleed, and it might take me days before I climbed back up again, but I had it in me. I knew I did.

My lips were against his head when I began to mumble the words he'd sung to me that first night I had called him. It was all I had never needed to do, and he'd known it all along. It was what he'd been trying so hard to tell me every day by showing up over and over again.

I just needed to…let it be.

"When I find myself in times of trouble, my beautiful comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness you are standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

Sitting up, I tugged on his hair until he lifted his head and showed me his tearstained cheeks. It was time for me to wipe away his tears.

"We can do this," I whispered.

He smiled at 'we'.

"I just need to figure out who I am in the chair and I need to be that person, not who I was before. There's no use trying to be him because he doesn't exist. Not like he used to. I need to discover this new life."

I wouldn't be the same person I was before, I would be changed, but I realized I could change and still be me. I felt his body shake as he absorbed the words. He gazed at me with such adoration I thought I might burst. I was both the luckiest and unluckiest person in the world.

"Does that include me?" he asked bravely in a quiet voice.

It hurt that he felt he needed to ask. It was evidence of the cruel way I'd treated him and my heart broke at the thought of the pain I'd caused him over the past month. I knew he understood why, and I knew he would withstand it all again if it meant being with me.

He would go to hell and back for me.

And I was going need him to get me through my new hell. I wouldn't make it any other way.

"Yes," I finally whispered.

He grinned, his eyes brightening three shades of blue. Long, damp curls hung in his face, sticking to his wet skin as the tears started to fall again. Only that time they were tears of hope.

Something neither of us had felt in a long time.

And there, soaking wet in my shower, I stared at my boy before me, full of love.

He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading~

Edward has decided to fight for his life. Just like Jasper knew he eventually would. Now, there is still a long, hard road but the lights in the tunnel are flickering! I also hope this chapter helps explain why they are not out yet, and why Edward, especially now, doesn't want to come out. I can't say I blame him.

For those of you that don't know, the green apple Beatles tee shirt looks like their anthology CD design.

Disabled? Hardly… http:/www DOT aaronfotheringham DOT com

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