First Harry Potter fanfic! And it's Lupin/Tonks.. when I took a liking to this couple (barely 2 weeks ago?), I thought I'm the only one.. hehe. Then I found out I'm not the only weird one, lol joke. It's not weird at all, it's perfect! Age doesn't matter, even if you're a werewolf, rawr! hahah.. Anyway, I also ship Natalia and David, omg, so sue me :P
This didn't go exactly the way I wanted it to, but I was rushing it and I didn't sleep for the night.. I'm too busy so I had to rush this up.. Hope you like it!
HP is not mine… so sad :( it's a really brilliant story.. except for the part of Remus and Tonks's death, gaaah! Can't accept! Noooooo!
Shattered Glass
A million times, she had told him she doesn't care. A million times, he responded with the same reasons he'd been telling her since the first day.
Molly and Arthur told him he was being ridiculous about this. And it takes all of his good nature not to tell them they are being ridiculous and irrational about this. He may have let pass Tonks's weird behaviors as part of her vivacious personality; he may have let pass – even accepted – her affection for him despite him being too old and too poor; but for her to still want him even after finding out what he is, he would definitely consider her having a loose screw in the head. For who in their sane mind would choose a werewolf for a lover? No one would dare. No one, but – Merlin bless her soul – Tonks. And she had surpassed his expectations because not only did she want him, she fell for him, hard. And it took a lot of courage to summon his self control and presence of mind to keep her and her feelings at bay. No matter how much he cared for Tonks, he just could never hurt her. Not for the reasons of him being a werewolf.
A lot of people say that he's a brave man. Having faced lots of terrifying creatures, battled a whole bunch of dark wizards and Death Eaters – most often coming out unscathed – he's one of the bests when it comes to fighting off the dark forces. But he's not all that brave wizard people have come to know him. When he's not dueling with his wand, when he's not out in the battlefield executing his spells at someone, when it's just him and his self dealing with his own troubles, all the bravery seems to vanish in the air like smoke.
All those times since he was bitten by Greyback, he had learnt to deal with the hardships brought about by his condition. He had always been intelligent and practical, and he had made himself accustomed to his new life without much complaint, accepting what has been given to him and moving on from there. Dealing with his new life at such a young age was extremely difficult – even with the support of both parents and trust from his headmaster at school – not to mention the prejudices to those like him who – according to the stricter lot who values pureness of blood – were insufficient to the title 'wizard.' But he kept his good natured self and lived on, hoping with the best intention of having the most normal life he could ever live – or much more defined, could ever live through.
But as any other person with something to want for themselves, he, too, wanted – craved – for something. He desired to be wanted. Considering what he was, it seemed impossible for that dream to happen. But he had three great friends during his time at Hogwarts. And due to the great efforts and compassion of those three friends, his life at Hogwarts was made so much wonderful and meaningful. He felt wanted, he felt he belonged. It was hard to risk Dumbledore's trust while trying to diminish his control over his friends in an effort to save the feeling of being wanted. In that sense, he admits he's weak.
He's afraid of being unwanted. He fears the full moon because it signifies his transformation to a creature that brought upon so much fear and insecurity in his life. And right after Tonks's confession, he realized yet one more fear in him – a fear which, no doubt, surpassed all his other fears even combined. He's afraid of being in love.
How could he, a werewolf, be enough for someone to love? What could he give to someone when he couldn't even give himself enough?
Shock was even an understatement to describe what struck him when he knew Tonks held deep feelings for him. He only desired to be wanted. Never in his wildest dreams did he dream of having more – much more being loved. A few secret infatuations here and there in Hogwarts were enough experience for his young heart. But a real love, a lifetime commitment, it was just too… much. He never gave much thought to those things because he knew he couldn't be allowed to fall for anyone. He didn't allow himself to entertain such ideas because from the moment the gravity of his condition sunk in, he instantly regarded himself as undeserving of anything closely related to love.
After the initial shock of knowing Tonks loved him had gone out, he came to acknowledge the fear that crept into his system. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't have given her something, or anything, at all. He couldn't provide her even an old, shabby house to sleep in. In a couple of years, he wouldn't be able to match her vigorous and lively self. He could protect her from the rest of the world, but could he guarantee protection from his own self, especially when the full moon is drawing near? How can he make her happy when there are so many things lacking in his life?
But the greatest reason why he couldn't accept her love is because accepting love between the two of them requires both of them to be wanted and needed, wholly. And that's something he can never give. For the life of him, he is not whole. Ever since the bite which altered the course of his life completely, he had not been whole. He was like a shattered piece of glass, broken and lying pathetically on the ground, with no means of being repaired back to its original shape. His broken life was not like any other broken object, which could be fixed easily with just a flick of a wand and a muttering of "Reparo!" His life was like the curse given to him by the werewolf that bit him. It could never be repaired, could never be undone. He could never change back to the way he was before. And he will always be broken, shattered, un-whole.
He was not even fully human. He's a part werewolf, a part animal. And Tonks would do better with anyone else rather than with him. No matter how much she loves him.
He loves her, though. He loves her so much. He just wasn't sure if he loved her enough to let her go so he can protect her from harm, or if he loved her enough to want to be with her despite the difficulties that they may encounter in their life together. He wished he could fully believe the former. But the more stubborn part of his heart keeps telling him it's worth taking a risk. Indeed, he had taken a lot of risks before, but never when it comes to matters of the heart. Sometimes, though, whenever he closes his eyes and the vivid image of Tonks appears on his mind, all rationalities inside him seem to die out. And the only reason that remains inside him is that somehow, taking a risk is worthwhile in the end… Especially when that someone you take a risk for is worth the danger, pain, sorrow, and fear.
He let his eyes roam around her face, memorizing the contours and every feature that he loved and adored so much. He was, as he always knew, beautiful. Although her hair – mousy brown and lank now – didn't do much to hide what she was feeling at the moment.
"What do you want?" There was an edge in her voice that didn't escape him.
"Dora…" He searched for the right words to say. "I – I am not whole."
Her face contorted in anger, but not before he saw a flicker of sadness crossed her eyes. "Then why are you here?"
"Because I want to feel whole."
She froze. Slowly, he reached for her hand and enclosed it in his own.
"I'm tired of running away. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of hurting on my own, and tired of hurting you as well…" He wiped the single drop of tear that stained her cheeks. "Forgive me for being the man I was, I'm trying to be a better man for you."
"Don't change, Remus. I love you exactly the way you are."
"I won't. But I won't let my fears make me blind again to see how much I need you in my life."
She may have noticed his discomfort in saying such words; she smiled at him. "You don't have to fear anything, Remus. You know you're good enough for me. You're the only one who can make me happy. Do you see my hair?"
He chuckled a little. Indeed, her hair had turned her favorite shade of bubblegum pink. He looked at her intently after a while. "I love you, Dora."
She smiled widely. "I know. And you're lucky I can't hate you more than I can hate your stubbornness for admitting it so late."
"I supposed I should be."
Her smile couldn't have been more radiant than her now sparkling red hair. She whispered a heartfelt "I love you" before crossing the distance and sealing their love in a kiss. The wind swept all around them as they hugged each other on the first place they spent together as a couple – on a hill just a little off the Burrow.
Taking risks had always been part of Remus Lupin's life. But for the first time in his life, he won't do it alone. He'd take the risk together with Tonks, and together, they'll weave through every possibility in life – something that may be quite dangerous, but equally worthwhile… Especially when the one he's taking the risk with is someone who's worth everything.
His life had been whole once; probably, it will never be whole again. But it didn't matter anymore that he wasn't whole. Tonks had been everything to him that with her, he already feels whole. She need not repair him or bring him back the way he used to be. She's filling him up, filling the gaps of the shattered pieces of glass that he is, so that he needn't be whole, instead, she just completes him. At any rate, it didn't matter anymore to him. He already had Tonks. He may not be able to give her much, but if there's anything quite significant, there's something he is able – and very much willing – to give her, something that will never be broken or shattered, something that he was sure, will remain and always be whole: his love.
A/N: Did it make sense? I hope it did… please review! heheh… :)