For those who asked, my original fanfic account here is under the name Zosie,and there I promised all my Twi stories would have a HEA for Ed and Bell, if not all the couples. So a Zosie ending is a Happy ever after ...

With Or Without You

Chapter Three

EPOV

I sat by the window and stared outside. Kristie snuggled against my chest, sighing quietly. Not asleep, just resigned to another day without her Mommy. She never objected to being in my arms, her little head on my shoulder.

I kissed her pretty auburn curls and tried to accept that I would at least always have a constant reminder of Bella's eyes as our daughter's eyes were identical to hers.

Bella had been convinced they would turn green, but I was glad they hadn't, at the time.

Now it did make things harder, because Kristie's eyes even held many of the the same expressions that Bella's had.

Sometimes I couldn't even bear looking into them now. Sometimes when I was feeling particularly sad, it just hurt too much.

Kristie squirmed. She seemed to detect my every mood,and react to it.

I stroked her hair and she quieted again, accepting for now I just needed to know she was safe.

Should I have insisted on having the lighthouse all to myself; just Kristie and me, I wondered yet again?

So many memories.

Every room conjured up images of Bella on our honeymoon.

Making breakfast together with me in this kitchen.

Sharing the shower, and forgetting we were in there to get clean, not to lift her into my arms and hold her body against the tiled wall, and make love to her until neither of us could take any more.

Lowering her back to floor, kissing her a hundred times , tucking her wet hair behind her ears so I could taste her throat.

Even just memories of laying entwined together up in the bedroom, watching the sun rise through the 360 degree windows.

Every single moment had been so precious.

Outside was the same.

Bella, dancing on the beach at twilight, laughing, often naked, maybe holding her bikini in her hands above her head, teasing me.

Bella swimming in the warm waters, and me swimming up behind her, pushing inside her willing body as she leaned her head back onto my shoulder.

Maybe living in this house of constant reminders was a bad idea.

But the main house was no better.

I couldn't even look at the grand piano Mom had insisted was a necessity all those years ago. Not a luxury.

Edward had to have access to all his musical instruments even when on vacation. Most of our trips overseas had ended here, afterwards, for two more weeks of unwinding after visiting exotic locations around the planet.

No doubt my parents assumed I couldn't touch that piano now because it evoked memories of me playing my songs to Bella as she sat beside me, looking at me with undisguised joy.

Actually, it was for a much more basic reason.

Emmett and Rose had developed a passion for scuba diving out on the reef on their honeymoon and for the few hours each day while they had been indulging in that sport, Bella had lain spread before me on top of my piano, creating another first.

Before her, defiling a musical instrument in this way had been unthinkable, but the comment Alice had made about Bella at least having two places to make love in her furniture free loft had made me long to make love to her on a piano.

Any piano.

None of them were safe, and this one here had been used more as a trysting place than to play in the normal fashion.

I had to avert my eyes whenever I took my daughter into the main house and there it sat, mocking me. Daring me to recall the images of that beautiful body waiting for mine to move inside and complete it.

Even the bathroom had been the place where Bella felt Kristie move for the first time, so just going into that room left me shaking with emotion as I remembered pretending I could feel our precious nudger move beneath my hand.

Why hadn't we stayed?

We could have lived here forever.

I had no need whatsoever for an income and never would.

We could have done our monthly grocery shopping trips to a neighbouring island and stocked up. Kristie could have been delivered right here, in this lighthouse. Maybe in the tub.

It had been a textbook pregnancy and birth. There had been no danger to her or Bella. I could have done it myself, or even had Dad come here to help.

I looked up as Alice and Rose approached.

"Good morning. Jaz and Emmett have taken Tom and Josie and the twins to the beach on the lagoon side and I wondered if I could take Kristie to join them for a few hours, and give you a break."

"I don't want a break," I answered roughly. "How many times do I have to tell you people. She's my life now and I never want a break from her. She's all I have, Alice."

"Oh fine. Hover over her and make her scared of the outside world," Rose growled. "Kristie has the right to a normal upbringing, Edward. She needs to play with other children. You never put her down; she's going to forget how to walk, let alone just live without your heart beating against hers. You have to think of her needs first and give her some space. She's not going to fit in that baby sling when she's three, let alone when she's sixteen."

She defiantly unclipped the straps that held my daughter in place and took her from me.

Kristie smiled at a new face, and kissed my sister-in-law's cheek enthusiastically , then looked back at me, worried no doubt that I'd see her joy in getting away from me as a betrayal.

They were right.

She was a child, a human being independant of me, and I had no right to narrow her world down to one little area.

Wasn't it bad enough she may never leave this island, maybe for years?

Whatever happened in the future, even after Aro died at the hands of the state, would it ever be safe for us anywhere else?

Carlisle was monitoring the situation online and had told us the men had been given the death penalty, as they should.

I didn't even care any more for the many women they'd killed, they all deserved to die for killing my Bella alone. For taking her away from me.

Kristie was young enough to forget her Mom and that would be a tragedy but maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

Look how Bella had suffered, knowing Renee was out there, living her life yet not wanting much to do with her daughter.

At least Bella had only left her daughter behind because she had no choice.

It just seemed so monstrously wrong that the one thing Bella feared the most had come to pass.

She had left her daughter motherless.

"Say Bye to Daddy and tell him you will be back safe and sound and he's not to go into a meltdown waiting," Rose said.

"Bye Dadda," Kristie said soberly.

"Hey,Baby Girl, have a great time. Show those cousins how to make a real sand castle," I said, hoping I sounded more enthusiastic and sincere than I felt.

I busied myself finding her sunhat and a towel and Alice graciously waited and took them from me, despite the fact she no doubt already had everything my daughter would need in her own bag.

"This place could do with a Spring clean," a new voice announced as the women walked away with Kristie.

I turned to face my Mom.

"It's not too bad. I tidy up after she's asleep in bed."

"Sure you do," Esme replied, taking out the cleaning supplies from the cupboard. "I believe you if you say you don't spend every moment she is asleep just watching her."

"I can't help it, Mom. When I remember all those nights I lay in bed with Bella, just watching her sleep...I don't regret a single one of them. The only nights I regret are the ones when I did sleep, and wasted valuable Bella watching time."

"Are you sleeping at all?" she asked me gently.

"When I do, it's a nightmare."

"Bad dreams?"

"Worse. Good dreams. Dreams so amazing that when I wake up, I just want to die because they weren't real. I want them to be real. I want my Bella back. But not like this. It's torture. She was just so beautiful last night. I swear I could smell her, and feel my hand on her skin. I don't want to sleep ever again, if that's what it's going to be like waking up to reality from now on."

Mom put the broom down and took my hands, leading me to the sofa.

"There's another way of looking at them, Edward. Your dreams are keeping her alive, and giving her back to you."

"But not like this. I want her really here. I want to tell her how much I love her and how much I've missed her and apologise a thousand times for those weeks I wasted staying away from her that time. What was I thinking?"

"You did what you thought was for the best at that time and you did go back to her. Imagine how you would feel now if you hadn't. There'd have been no weddings and no baby Kristie."

"Maybe that would have been better," I growled.

"How can you say that? You love that little girl more than your own life."

"But because I love her so much, I can't bear to leave her, and because I can't leave her, I can't go be with Bella. She must be waiting for me. I can feel her waiting, wanting us back together again."

"Bella is alive in your heart and nobody can ever hurt her again. She'll never get sick, or get old. She'll always stay young and beautiful, and she'll always, always love you. That kind of love is eternal. You never have to fear for her health again."

"You mean, like I did worry when she disappeared into the castle? And when she was pregnant with Kristie? God, if only I could have enjoyed that pregnancy. It was the best time of our lives. We were so happy and so looking forward to the baby coming to join us. By day. It was the nights that were fucked up. Like now."

"This is different. She's safe now, Edward and that was always your main concern so just be happy and look forward to your nights when you can be with her again. These are a special gift and you know the dreams are coming from Bella. She wants to be with you, too. I don't believe all spirits immediately go on to the hereafter. I think when you lose someone you love the way you love Bella, she chooses to stay around and visit you in whatever way she can. Invite her to do that. Isn't it better to the alternative? Living completely without her?

Her soul has stayed, waiting for your soul to go on with her when the time is right, and you will know when that day comes.

But don't do anything reckless.

Imagine how sad she would be if you left Kristie. She lost her own Mom when she was just a baby, in reality, and there is no way she would want that for her own daughter. Charlie was her everything until she outgrew her need for him when she met you, and you need to be Kristie's."

"Don't worry, Mom. I would never do anything to hurt my daughter in any way. I'll stay until she outgrows me, at the very least. I'd be almost as sad to leave her as I was to leave Bella. Don't ever concern yourself that those cliffs out there could lure me.

I know what I have to do, and that's always be here whenever my child may need me, and she needs me full time right now. Bella always said nobody had the right to bring a child into the world until they were ready and willing to always put that child first, ahead of themselves."

I grinned, remembering what a firecracker Bella could be.

"You know Bella would probably insist on being in a whole different area in Heaven to where you were if you jumped, right?" Mom said, smiling.

"I have no doubt at all. She'd have my halo revoked and make sure I never got my wings."

"Oh, she'd turn Heaven into Hell all right," Mom laughed.

Somehow things changed that day. Having my Mom always willing to talk about Bella, where she was now, as well as things that had happened in our past, made my wife feel closer and more real. There was so much more to her than just her death.

Her life had been wonderful.

I often found myself thinking of funny little things she had done and telling our daughter as I bathed and fed her, or when I tucked her up in bed with me at night for a Goodnight story before putting her into the crib in my bedroom.

Putting her crib down into the bunkroom was unthinkable yet, but I did appreciate Dad's idea of placing a dressing screen from the main house between the crib and my bed once the baby was asleep, 'just in case'.

Some of the dreams I had were very erotic, and no toddler needed to wake up and witness their Daddy rolling around in his bed with his imaginary bride beneath him. Or on top.

Sometimes dream sex is all that's on offer but I'd never agree with what Bella once said; that dream sex could be better than the real thing.

Nothing would ever come close to being inside Bella and I knew I would never move on.

The idea of empty sex disgusted me now, and the thought that Bella could ever cease to be the last woman I had slept with was repugnant.

I'd experienced a lot of sex in my life and knew any future sex would simply be more regrets on my conscience. Better abstinence. It actually felt like my friend now, rather than my enemy.

Mind you, not one single family member ever encouraged me to take a boat and go visit the neighbouring islands for whatever reason.

We sometimes went in two's or three's, but I never went alone.

Emmett actually understood.

He admitted before Rose came into his life, he would have thought me crazy insane to even consider never having sex again just because Bella was gone, but now he understood and said had anything had happened to Rosie, he would have made the same decision.

xxxx

As the days passed, I made a Herculean effort to cut the umbilical cord and let my daughter have some normal interaction with the other family members.

I realised I had been short changing not only Kristie, but also the others. She was all any of us had left of Bella, and they wanted to look after her and play with her and hold her in their arms sometimes.

I'd been selfish.

Esme was heartbroken at losing the woman she'd always wanted to become her daughter and doing things with Kristie helped her heal a little. I loved how they all talked about my wife and kept her alive for her child.

"Your Mommy loved this dish. Have a taste. Isn 't that good? Bella used to cook this for your Daddy if he'd been a really good boy," Esme crooned. Kristie was 'helping out' in her kitchen, wandering from drawer to drawer removing cooking utensils and banging them together mainly, from what I could see.

"Funny, I thought Bella only made chocolate mousse when Edward was a really bad boy,or about to be," Emmett laughed.

Laughing was easier now. At first I'd assumed I'd never laugh again but there were funny memories to recall, and Bella would want us to share them and joke about her, not hole up in some bell tower and sob my heart out.

She knew I loved her more than life and missed her with an intensity that sometimes stopped me being able to breath, but she also felt closer when we joked about some of the things she had done.

It did get cool some nights on the island, and Esme busied herself making little sweaters for the children. She took me by surprise when she proudly showed me what she had made my daughter.

A little purple poncho.

I tried not to react but all I could manage was a grimace and a nod before rushing outside. The poncho had triggered a memory I'd forgotten until now and I cried unashamedly. Carlisle followed me out, putting an arm around my shoulder.

"Do you want to tell me?" he asked.

"Bella...she bought a purple poncho for Renee at a market. We had our hands full carrying cases of fruit and vegetables to the car and so she put it on. We got a little carried away in the car park, beneath that poncho. We'd just reconciled. You know I could never leave her alone. I always wanted to touch her."

I gazed up at the stars in the dark night sky and let my tears run unhindered down my cheeks and onto my shirt.

"I miss her, Dad.I miss her like I'd miss half my body if someone cut it away. I'm not whole any more and I never will be again. It's never going to get better, is it?"

"No,Son, I don't think it will. There's no point me lying to you and saying some day you'll handle her loss because in your case, moving on isn't an option. We accept that and nobody is ever going to push you to try."

"Thanks," I choked. I could not have borne anyone telling me there were other girls out there and maybe one day...

"Edward, now you have realised Kristie is better off if you two have some time apart each day, you need a hobby."

"I can't swim, Bella's always there, just out of my reach. Just underwater,swimming away from me."

"No, I was thinking more of one of my pet charities. Nothing to associate in any way with Bella. Your brain needs some time out as well. I have a list of volunteers who have an hour or so to spare each day who are willing to talk online to bed bound patients who don't get many visitors. It's all anonymous. They won't know who they are talking to. In your position, you can give them some minor medical advice so long as they check it out with their doctor, but mainly just chat to them.

I've had little devices donated to ten or twelve hospitals so far. Not Forks Hospital, that's too close to home, but there's two in Boston. You liked living there. You could give something back. It won't cost you anything but time. Eventually when we buy more expensive devices, they will include a Skype function.

At the moment all you can do is exchange texts, but in time there will be updates to the hardware and there'll be a live chat facility so you can just talk."

I closed my eyes, feeling my stomach tighten and roll and tried to get my eyes back under control. This could not become my life now, crying for a woman who I knew wanted to be with me as much as I wanted her to, but the fact was she couldn't.

I needed a distraction.

This could work. I remembered being tied to that wheelchair while my leg healed and talking to Bella each night on the phone.

For anyone who didn't have a Bella in their life, talking to a stranger may be enough to brighten their lives a little.

That very night I began talking to my first virtual friend. His name was T-Rex and he was in the bones ward of Boston General, the hospital I had been in myself. He was young, just 17, and had been in traction for months. His friends and family had busy lives and made their dutiful visits by day, so it became a regular thing each evening when Kristie was asleep, chatting to T-Rex.

At first we talked bikes and cars, naturally, then Team sports, and finally, late one night when all the other patients must surely be asleep, he asked me about girls.

"There's this girl, right."

"Right," I typed back with a grin.

"She's really hot. Like, really hot."

"Sure. Some girls are just amazing," I agreed.

"Yeah. She's been my friend forever, and some guys say that never translates into a relationship anyway. Is that true?"

"No way. My wife was my best friend for three years before we got together."

"Is she hot?"

"Oh she's very hot."

"How did you win her over?"

"Initially, I was just there for her when she needed a friend. In time, we realised the great love we were both searching for was right there, between the two of us."

"Cool man. And you are still together?"

I hesitated.

"We are. Our hearts beat as one, as they say."

It was true. One heart beat now, in my chest, for the both of us.

" The problem is, we are both, um, untouched."

"I don't see how that's a problem."

"It's a problem because my guy friends tell me the first time they lasted like a minute. And it takes ages to learn how to, um, wait for her before you lose it yourself."

"It's a skill that needs practice, but you will learn everything over time."

"Well, the thing is, she has this friend who is making it obvious that she could teach me a few things. Okay, basically, she wants to teach me how to fuck. I'm not into her but maybe that might be a good skill to learn before I ask my girl out. I don't want to be, like, lame in bed, you know?"

"Oh believe me, if you feel both love and lust for this girl, the sex will be awesome because it will be meaningful. She would not think you going off with her friend first to learn some tricks was a good idea. First times can be a bit awkward and a bit of a fumble, but if you want to make her happy and care about her, no matter how unskilled you are, she will love that you cashed your cards together. You'll always have that."

"Even if the sex sucks?"

"Put it this way, she won't know what she's doing either. It will just happen. It's instinctive. Once you make her feel good and ready first, then she lets you inside her, you will know what feels right and just do it. Ask her what feels good for her, too, btw."

"But it will be so awkward. Virgin on virgin. That can't be good. The blind leading the blind, man."

"You must have friends who have been screwing around for ages and have gotten quite good at it. Would you prefer she went off and learned what to do from one of them first?"

"No way."

"Then don't take up her so called friend's offer."

"Cause that would be wrong."

"Very, very wrong and something you will regret. First times should be amazing and they can only be that if it's meaningful."

"She won't think I'm gay or anything, because I've had the opportunity before but never done it?"

"Why didn't you take those offers?"

" I just don't like the idea of being that up close and personal with chicks I don't know or want to be with as a b/f g/f thing."

"Then congratulations because you are streets ahead of where I was in my twenties even. Sex is fun, but nothing is as much fun as making love to the woman you really love. Learn from me."

"I'm not going to put a ring on it or anything. I'm 17."

"That's okay. Just learn this one thing from me. Once you do something, it stays done forever. You can't change your past. If you really like this girl and sleep with her, even if you break up somewhere down the track, you won't hate yourself. I only regret the randoms, not the relationships. I mean, when I met my wife it was far too late for us to be popping one another's cherry, and that's a shame but we didn't know the other existed back when we both cashed our v cards with our then b/f g/f.

Chances are, you haven't met your One yet, so all I can advise you is, if you are not going to wait for your wedding night, and let's face it, hardly anyone does these days, then only ever sleep with girls you really care for and respect, and treat them well. It's a privilege, not a right, to be allowed inside their bodies. Do it with love in your heart and you will never regret your number, no matter how low or high it may end up, because every one of the girls that make up that number will have been girls you once cared for deeply. If I could make that claim, I'd be at peace with my past."

xxxx

T-Rex was discharged a week later, so our friendship ended but by then he was fully agreeable with my advice.

I looked at the list of patients looking for a chat buddy,but the high turnover rate meant the next two I talked to were only inpatients for a matter of days so those conversations never got past the superficial.

I considered maybe looking for someone to chat to in Boston Private Hospital.

Those patients were more long term, and rumour had it, security was so tight there that many rich and famous celebrities had used the facility to dry out or get clean far away from the Hollywood paps.

I could find myself the chat buddy of a Lindsey Lohan and never know it.

xxxx

Bree seemed to bloom on the island.

She joined us about six weeks after we arrived. Jay Jenks had arranged her 'removal' from the cruise ship she'd been on, and after a reasonable period of time to make sure nobody had found out who had her or how he secreted her from the ship, Carlisle jumped in a boat one day and said he was off to fetch a gift for his wife.

He came back with Bree, who was shocked but delighted that we were all alive.

Jay had moved his practice and now had a new name and worked for the Cullen family alone, so he spent a lot of time sitting on warm sunny beaches admiring the firm flesh of young beach bunnies in between assignments.

Let's just say he considered he had the perfect job.

The story was he'd taken early retirement, 'why not? I can afford it.' and nobody questioned his occasional absences when he 'went to fight with the ex' over some new problem associated with their mythical pending divorce.

He kept tabs on everyone of any interest to Carlisle and eventually discovered that Charlie Swan was alive and well, though so deeply immersed in Quileute tribal life that nobody was aware he had been spared the same Fate as his daughter.

In one way, I wished I could talk to him because there were years of stories he could have told me about Bella and her life before I met her.

Unbeknownst to me, on hearing Carlisle's request, Jay managed to contact Jake under the guise of being a 'famous' psychotherapist who was writing a book about people who survived extreme tragedies in their lives', and encouraged both men to start a anonymous joint 'blog' about their friend and daughter as a way to exorcise the ghost she left behind.

The girl in the blog was named Izzy, a pet name from her childhood, and Jay sent me a web address and codes as a 'birthday gift' about four months after Bella had been murdered.

Innumerable nights I sat there reading each new update.

The blog was on a private site, with numerous passwords but there was nothing a hacker could use, even if he worked for Volturi.

Charlie's entries were rather stiff and formal and very short at first, but he soon mastered the art of writing about 'his late beloved niece, Izzy', keeping up the illusion Charlie Swan was dead.

Jake's contributions were verbose, and tended to ramble on, veering off his main point as he recalled some other misdeed the two had participated in while kids or teens, and I treasured every word.

There were even photos.

Luckily Charlie had removed every personal item from his house prior to it's destruction, so I spent many dark nights when Bella didn't come to me in dreams, watching her grow from baby to child to teenager.

It wouldn't even matter if anyone recognised the blog was about Bella. She was safe now.

Looking at photos of Jake and Bella together warmed my heart.

As they grew up and it became obvious they were sleeping together, by the way their eyes looked at one another and suddenly their fingers barely touched any more and they sat a few inches apart in the photos, as if that proved nothing was going on. The overwhelming feeling I got was simple joy at knowing she had been innocent and happy.

For a while.

Maybe only another man could pinpoint when Jake started cheating on her.

It seemed obvious to me.

He stopped looking straight at the camera lens, but always to one side. And he stopped staring at Bella as if she was the only girl in the universe.

His smile changed, to one quite nervous, no longer sincere.

All the same, the look in Bella's eyes had changed and she looked impatient.

Life in a small town had paled and she was ready to move on and leave Jake behind.

Then came the night the photos of Bella and I, 'just friends and work companions', started to appear.

I was shocked at how oblivious we had both been.

Jake put up short videos of us at various family gatherings that Bella must have sent him, because they were all Cullen get togethers.

I counted the times I said "But you know you love me really" in one seven minute clip.

Eleven times.

And Bella called me 'Honey' or 'Sweetheart' so many times I had clearly been deaf not to notice.

I also saw pain behind her smiles as she was filmed chatting to Jas, but watching me relating various tales of my immoral exploits to Emmett in the background and it felt like a knife in my heart to realise how I'd unwittingly hurt her, even back then, even if she never knew she cared.

xxxx

BPOV

Being incarcerated in this HellHole was as boring as, and I spent hours walking the floor, from window to securely locked door and back again. Got to keep up my ten thousand steps a day.

Gloria, my favourite nurse came in one afternoon when I was reciting times tables out of a desire to just do something with my brain.

"You could try chatting to a volunteer on one of the little iPad thingey type things some rich benefactor has donated to the inpatients here."

My ears pricked up.

If I could chat to some do gooder, maybe I could find a way to use the device to contact Jake.

"Sounds like fun. How do I know who I'm talking to?"

"You just pick from a list of volunteers. I'll show you."

None of the information gave much clue of these people's identification. All I would know was their gender and general age.

My first contact was a complete bust. I guess his name, RovinRandy, should have been the clue but I hit the 'report this user' icon as soon as he asked me for phone sex, two minutes into our first chat.

Seriously? He expected to get himself off from reading my words?

I scrolled the list again and paused and went back a second time.

GreekGod.

Aged 30 to 35.

I don't know why I chose him. Anyone who labelled himself that was either a narcissistic twat or delusional, but all the same, it was a tenuous link of a kind to Edward. Although he didn't know it, I'd labelled him Adonis privately, only to Marcus, when Edward had first joined the Murder Squad.

Whenever one of the agents had trouble getting a confession from any female 16 to 70, we'd suggest to one another that maybe we should send in Adonis and get him to dazzle her.

I know it's stupid but any link to Edward at this point is a lifeline. Maybe I can pretend I'm talking to him and not the real volunteer sometimes.

I saw he'd ticked my box as a possible chat buddy so I clicked on his name and the talky thing immediately appeared. He was online.

"Hi GirlNextDoor, aged 25 to 30," he typed.

"Hi GreekGod. So, fancy yourself much?" I replied. "Naming yourself that makes you look like a tool, btw."

"Well, it gets the chicks in. You, for example. Tell me some safe non identifying information about yourself, Girl"

Oh great. I looked at the clock above the door and wondered if he could beat RovinRandy's record for asking for phone sex.

"Me? I'm a bored to death 20 something locked up in a looney bin."

"Really? How are you enjoying that?"

"Oh it's bags of fun. You should try it sometime. I recommend it. It's a million laughs a second. No wait. It's lonely and boring, thus my lowering my standards to chat with you."

"I'm honoured. What are you in for?"

"The usual. Turning into a raving lunatic because my parents died in an accident."

May as well condense the facts.

"Sorry to hear that. It's very hard when you lose somebody that close."

"Who did you lose?" I typed back. I had a feeling he was one of those types that 'knew' without actual experience. I'd give him an earful.

"I lost my wife. I'm a widower with a small child."

Oh. Shit.

"Sorry to hear that. How did she die? Illness?"

"In a manner of speaking. A very sick individual was responsible for her death."

I breathed out noisily.

"You aren't on Death Row or anything, right? You didn't off her yourself?"

No response.

Great, I got me a Dead Man Walking.

"No Girl, I didn't kill her. She's the love of my life and I'd have died myself if it meant saving her."

"Sorry. You can't be too sure on this anonymous thing here. I could be chatting to Ted Bundy."

"I think they'd have to do a proper upgrade to get you through to where he is now."

"Oh,that's right. I forgot they fried his arse." I looked at the words and erased the latter half. If some sicko offed his missus, maybe he set the poor woman on fire or something. I didn't need to go there.

"So, tell me something about GirlNextDoor. Anything you wish to share."

"I'm 25 to 30, locked up for my own good, and I'm pregnant."

"Congratulations. Do you have a husband/partner/bf/gf to share this happy occasion with?"

"I have an absent BabyDaddy but he'll be back when his kid emerges."

"Is he going to apply for custody if you are still 'locked up' as you put it?"

Fuck. I'd never considered that. How convenient for Edward if they kept me in here indefinitely and handed him the fruit of his loins. I guess this wasn't like those prisons that let the kid room in with Mommy Dearest for the first year or so.

"I don't know. I hadn't considered he could do that. Maybe I won't let anyone tell him after all."

"He doesn't know you are pregnant?"

"Nuh, he flew the coop as it were, before I knew myself."

"Was it planned?"

Tricky. How do you explain you have no idea?

"Well, guys know when they dip their wicks it's always a possibility, right?"

I rubbed the spot in my arm where my contraceptive implant sat and felt nothing. Not even further up and down my arm. Maybe we did plan this.

"But he is your boyfriend?"

"Maybe was my boyfriend is more accurate. I pissed him off and he sort of walked."

"Did you cheat on him, you naughty Girl?"

"No way. Never. I love him to bits."

"That's a good start. And he loves you?"

"He used to love me. Like crazy. But men have a tolerance level that takes over their hearts if you exceed it."

"I would never give up hope. If there's one thing my wife's death has taught me, it's where there's life, there's hope."

"Let's hope you are right. I'd do anything to get him back."

"But does he deserve your forgiveness?"

"I'm the one who needs him to forgive me."

"So, how do you feel about becoming a Mom? Are you looking forward to it?"

"Oh God yes. Stupidly I used to think kids were a bad idea but my friend has a lovely little boy and just knowing I may be lucky enough to get one just like him makes me long for the day I hold my son in my arms."

"You know it's a boy?"

"Not medically. But I think Mom's know these things instinctively."

"My wife thought she was carrying a boy. She wasn't. We have the most adorable little girl on the planet."

"How old is she?" I queried.

"Um,let's see. I just need to scan the rules. Okay. I can tell you she is 'aged 2 or under' apparently. But not her name."

"Tell me the first letter then."

"K".

"Kimberly?"

"Nope."

"Can she walk and talk?"

"Yes. She did both very early."

"Is she a spoilt little Princess?"

"She lost her mother when she was just a baby. I think spoiling her is obligatory."

"I'm so sad she lost her Mommy. I did, too."

"Yes, you said. Both your parents?"

"Yeah. But growing up without a Mom was rough."

"You didn't miss your Dad?"

"I can't talk about him yet. His death is kind of raw. I just need another three decades to accept he's never coming back."

"I know exactly what you mean. I can't make myself accept my beautiful wife won't come dancing through the doorway ever again."

"You must love her very much."

"I do. As you know, love never dies."

"Well you know what? She was a very lucky lady to have somebody love her as much as you do. We don't all get that type of love."

"You haven't experienced the love of a soul mate?"

"Worse, I'm afraid. I had it and didn't appreciate it and lost it. I treated him badly and he took his love away with him when he left."

"Then he wasn't your soul mate."

"Oh, he was. Maybe I wasn't his, is the problem."

"So,you are going to be a single Mom."

"Sometimes I think the kids with two actual biological married parents must feel like the freaks. So many women are raising kids alone with an absent father."

"It breaks my heart, knowing how wonderful being a Dad is. My daughter is my reason for living since my wife died."

"Then I'm glad you have her. Kylie?"

"No,Girl, not Kylie. I'm not allowed to tell you even if you guess it."

"But I haven't guessed it yet?"

"Nope."

"Hey, what state are you in?"

"I can't tell you that. I'm not where I used to live or where I lived when I met my wife. That's all I can say."

"Come on, God. Aren't you a benevolent God?"

"Not particularly."

"My bf was a God too. Maybe you two hung out together in Greek Heaven."

"Maybe we did. Which one was he?"

"I'll tell you that if you tell me which state you are in. Okay, just tell me if it starts with W. That's fair. Right?"

"So, West Virginia, Wyoming, Washington, or Wisconsin. Why do you want me to be in one of those states?"

"Don't rat me out, but I need to find someone who lives in the same state as a good friend of mine."

"Sorry. I don't. Not in a W state."

"Then nice chatting to you but I have to move on. What are the chances a guy who names himself TrickyDicky is a pervert? Not that it matters if he's in my W state."

"Hang on. You are dumping me because I don't live in a W state? That's hardly fair."

"Look, God. I'm not here to make friends that are of no use to me. Suck it up. Time for us both to move on."

"I could just hit the 'report this user' icon and tell the moderator you are using your device in an unauthorised manner."

"Please don't tell anyone."

"Maybe if you agreed to chat to me again tomorrow night I could overlook your crime."

"Fine. What time tomorrow?"

"How about nine p.m. My little girl is asleep in her crib by then."

"Okays. Later. Give little Kayla a kiss from me."

"Not Kayla. Give up."

"Never. If I have to chat to you to buy your silence, I will guess the name of your kid and you will tell me when I am right."

"I'm not allowed to."

"But you could just tell me each time I'm wrong, as you have been doing, and then just STFU when I get it right. Okay?"

"Fine. Whatever. Goodnight Girl. Sleep tight and be safe."

"You too, Apollo."

"Close but no cigar."

"I don't need a cigar of my own. My boyfriend used to let me borrow his, LOL."

"Goodnight WickedGirl. You should change your name."

"I shall think about it, Ares."

He closed the chat and I smiled.

Maybe I'd done enough for one night. I shut down my device and put it in the drawer.

Maybe I would never find a way to contact Jake, but at least I had a GreekGod to talk to.