With Or Without You
Chapter 4
BPOV
Gloria was actually in the bathroom with me the first time the baby kicked. Despite being fully recovered and perfectly able to shower myself, she was just following orders and be be honest, anytime I had anyone to chat to was a definite bonus.
She shut the lid down on the toilet and perched there, telling me about the latest scandal happening here in this hospital. A consultant had been caught getting a little too up close and personal with a third rate celeb in detox.
As always, she left out all names and even genders, so I was no more enlightened than the man in the street, but what did I have to chat about?
Why was I even still here? I was taking no medications; had no lasting effects from the 'accident' that had put me here; was most unlikely to go back into a coma, so what was going on? A bit of anonymous gossip was the most interesting part of my day.
"Imagine the money you could make selling all secrets of the patients who come here," I joked.
"Apart from this job being the most highly paid of any I've ever done, I respect people's privacy," she replied. "I always consider how I'd feel if it were my life being analyzed and commented on by the media. Though Heaven knows nothing interesting ever happens to me. All they could speculate about is the amount of money I waste on 'age defying' cosmetics. Look at this neck. Does it look ten years younger to you? It hasn't changed one iota by my reckoning and that cream costs me a bomb."
She stood up and examined herself up close in the mirror, shaking her head.
"Enjoy your youth, Bella. One day everyone's saying how you don't look a day older than you did in your twenties, and next thing you become invisible, and men start looking you in the eyes. See, we think we prefer that, but believe me, when your body is suddenly not their focus any more, you miss it."
"Why am I still here?" I questioned as I stepped from the shower stall and started drying myself with a towel.
"For observation," she replied, raising her eyebrows.
"But what exactly are they observing me doing? I pace the floor, I read books, I jump on every meal like it's my last because meals break up my day. I chat on that device to a couple of new volunteers each day and I talk to God at night."
Gloria knew all about GG. I passed on snippets of our conversations, more because they were the only interesting thing in my life now, apart from 'The Nudger'.
"Hmm. It's such a pity you can't see him or at least hear his voice. I bet he's as sexy as fuck," Gloria commented. "And he's a doctor. Nobody else would make the comments he makes, without a medical background. You should arrange to meet him sometime when you get released. He's single and available."
"Single but definitely unavailable. He lost his soul mate. Those people never want to move on. Look at me for example. He's definitely interesting but my heart belongs to Edward, even if he doesn't want it," I replied.
"Oh lookie here, Bella finally has a baby bump, " Glora observed.
I turned side on and looked in the mirror at my gently swelling abdomen and put my hand over the spot where the fetus lay.
I had a creepy feeling of deja vu.
"Oh my God!" I freaked out. "It...kicked. Moved. Whatever they do this early."
Gloria looked at me for permission then placed her hand where mine had been.
"Did you feel it?" I asked.
"Nope, but the Mom always feels the first movements for a while before anyone else can. She's got the inside scoop, as it were."
"No, Edward felt the baby move the same day I did..."
Gloria looked at me.
"What do you mean?"
"I have no idea," I huffed, pulling on my clothing. Sometimes the most random sentences came out of my mouth. Maybe I was brain injured.
xxxx
Cass was doing my head in.
For weeks now I'd be sitting on a chair immersed in some classic novel, and I'd look up and there'd he'd be.
Just standing at the doorway silently, looking like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Whenever I asked, he'd shake his head and say "This isn't the right time," and he'd blather on about how pleased he was with my weight gain, or was I taking my iron supplement?
"You are not my doctor. Just say it. Out loud. Obviously you have something to tell me."
Today, it seemed, was finally The Day.
"First off, I'm sorry to tell you that Marcus is dead."
xxxx
"Marcus is dead? Marcus is dead."
Even repeating it multiple times couldn't make it seem real. But it did make more sense than what Cass had originally told me to explain his sudden absence..that Marcus was 'on assignment'.
The man was The Boss; he sent other people on assignment, he didn't go himself.
"When did he die? How did he die?"
"It was weeks ago now. Months really. He was very stressed and he had a heart attack. Dropped like a stone, the men who were with him said. He wouldn't have felt a thing."
"And you lied to me because?"
"You were coping with so much stuff at the time. Bella, I took over your case and I need to tell you something else quite shocking. The doctor says you have recovered really well and you can handle the truth."
"That Marcus is dead?"
"That Charlie is alive."
"What?"
I looked at him in complete disbelief.
"Marcus told me Charlie got blown up in his house and Aro was behind it."
"Aro did blow up Charlie's house, that much is true. Charlie wasn't home. He was down on the Res with Sue, his wife."
"Charlie is married to Sue? Wait, Dad is really alive?"
My head was spinning.
"He is alive and yes, he married Sue. You and Edward were attendants at the wedding."
I sat down on the edge of my bed.
"I don't think we were. I know I've lost time but I would remember that. That would mean Edward came back."
"Edward did come back. The doctor removed this when you were first admitted."
He handed me a small box. I opened it. My engagement ring was inside. I lifted it out and part of it fell onto my lap.
"How did this break?" I asked crossly.
"It's not broken. Edward had a second engagement ring made to curl up around the first ring."
I nodded and held up a second thin curved band.
"And this?"
"Is your wedding ring."
"Edward married me?" I said in disbelief. I slipped the three rings onto my finger.
"Funny story. He married you twice. Once in a Registry Office because you two couldn't wait for your assignment to end, and then again at home, at the Cullen Estate I believe."
"So, let me get this straight. You have sat here in this room for months, watching me cry over my father, and you knew he was alive?"
He had the grace to look embarrassed, and he reddened.
"And now you expect me to believe Edward and I are married, yet he has not called, or visited, or even written a God damned letter since I got here?"
"Bella. Edward is dead."
"Edward is dead? What, you guys mistook him for Charlie?"
"His entire family was wiped out by Volturi. Carlisle and Esme and Edward, and your daughter Kristabelle were in one car."
"Christabel?"
"K.r.i.s.t.a.b.e.l.l.e. Emmett, Rose and their twins were in the second car, and Jasper, Alice and their two children were in the third. The cars exploded and fell off the cliffs at La Push into the sea."
He was making too many glaring errors. Alice and Jas only had one child: Tommy.
I looked at the doorway, where the Doc and Gloria stood, armed with a large needle no doubt full of happy juice, or else a sedative.
"I don't know why you are saying these things. They aren't true. I think I would know if I had a daughter. And Rose has twins?"
"Twin boys."
"Did I by any chance carry them for her?" I asked. The one thing that might make sense was if I had done that. I can't explain why, but sometimes I dream I was pregnant with Rose and Emmett's baby.
And the obstetrician who came in to visit me called me a multigravida. Which, he explained, meant I had given birth at least once before.
"Fuck. Twins. Emmett's twins. They must have been enormous. How am I still walking?"
As far as I knew all my ladies parts were fine.
I mean, the doctor never said I had ten inch scars or anything down there and I sure as Hell would have had I given birth to Emmett's monster twins.
"Do you understand what I said? I'm so sorry to tell you that Edward and all his family are dead."
"I heard you. My 'husband' and my mythical daughter and all the rest. But Charlie's alive and Marcus is dead. Gotcha."
"Bella, are you okay?"
"I'm confused," I admitted."I can't workout why you are saying this stuff. It's not true so what's your agenda? Am I rich? Do you have a Power of Attorney and can access my money while I'm in here? Nothing makes sense."
The Doc cleared his throat.
"Actually, Bella, when you were first admitted, you were unconscious so Marcus was able to authorise all of that but since he died, we need you to sign some papers, saying Cass is now able to represent you."
"Oh I'm sure he would like that very much. Where is my debit card and how much is in my bank account?"
Cass reached into his wallet and handed me a black card.
Isabella Marie Swan Cullen.
Oh good, I kept my own surname as well as taking on Edward's. Good for me.
"There's $735,000 and change in the account. Nobody's touched a penny."
"And where did that money come from?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. This did not fit in with my suspicions.
"Edward bought out your share of the loft apartment and gifted it to Riley Biers. That was $250,000. The rest is from a regular transfer from your husband's...Edward's account. Your pin money. He paid it in weekly."
"Wow. I could buy a lotta pins with that. Why so much?"
"I guess because he could afford to give you that much. You have made some withdrawals. At a baby boutique, several times, and then you donated $50,000 to each a homeless shelter, and a dog's rescue center. The one where Jakey came from, I believe."
Okay, I did often donate to both homeless shelters and dog's homes but we are talking ten, maybe twenty bucks a pop here.
Fifty at Christmas.
"Bella, the consent form has nothing to do with your finances. It just let's Cass authorise your continued hospitalization," Gloria said. She looked at me and winked. "In fact, without it, you could simply sign yourself out any time you chose to."
"That's good to know, thanks," I replied. "Now could you all go away and leave me alone. I need to think."
The Doc took my pulse and frowned, then took the needle from Gloria and stuck it into my upper arm.
"This will help you calm down and sleep."
They all left.
Apparently Cass thinks I'm deaf as well as gullible. I heard him request I was kept on suicide watch.
Like I would kill myself now that I had the keys to the fucking door.
xxxx
I paced the floor, unable to get a handle on what the fuck kind of game Cass was playing. The only possibility I could imagine from all the crap he had told me was that maybe Marcus had put the entire Cullen family into Witness Protection. That was entirely possible, and maybe as he had died so suddenly, he had never told Cass.
I didn't even consider it possible that the family was dead.
That would be ridiculous.
If Aro had targeted them, why not strike when I was with them and wipe us all out in the one go?
There was one niggling worry.
In the past when we had extra special witnesses to protect, Marcus went 'off book' and didn't record any details. He never trusted that the entire police department was trustworthy. He always said every tree had a few bad apples so it stood to reason some of the people with access to WP records had to be bad cops.
He trusted me, and Edward, and himself so often we three were the only ones who knew where some VIP was located.
Of one thing I was sure.
If he'd hidden the Cullen's he would have left no paper trail.
Tomorrow I would discharge myself and go home to Forks, and see if Charlie's house was still standing.
And I'd ask the locals if anything had happened like Cass claimed. The entire population of Forks knew if you had a fight with your partner, they would definitely know if any cars exploded into LaPush.
And speaking of LaPush, I'd go see my old friend Jake and find out if Charlie was alive, or dead. I had no idea either way.
xxxx
My little device pinged and I remembered the time. Somehow thirty minutes had passed since Cass had tried to convince me his delusions were real. It was nine p.m. I was drowsy.
I shook myself impatiently.
"Hey Girl. How was your day?" GG had typed. "How many W residents have you annoyed now?"
We'd talked every night for weeks.
By day I chatted with a vast variety of people but nobody from Washington State sadly.
Evenings were permanently reserved for GreekGod.
It did freak me a little how close we seemed to have become in such a short time.
"Hiya, God," I replied. "Another 4 wastes of space. Still nobody in Washington."
"Aha. Washington, is it?"
Ooops.
"Maybe."
"Are you okay? It's not like you to drop the ball."
"I'm drugged up. How's Kirsten?"
"Nope, not Kirsten. How are you?"
"Oh God, my day has been so fucked up. I'm starting to believe I dreamed it up, and maybe I do belong in here permanently. Is it possible that everything is true? Is it possible that there isn't anything sane or normal at all?"
"What's happened?"
"My Guardian I guess you would call him, told me so much stuff but it has to be lies."
"Like what?"
"That my Dad is alive. That my husband is dead. That I have a daughter. I don't remember having a daughter."
"Wow. That doesn't seem like something someone would forget. Where is she? Maybe if he brings her in you will recognise her."
"Not possible."
"Is she a long way away?"
"He says she is dead."
"What? Was your Doctor there when he told you this?"
"Yeah, but he already told me he only knows what he was told when I was admitted, and nobody mentioned a daughter, dead or otherwise."
"Well, doctors can tell if you have given birth before."
"That's the thing. I have. But I think I surrogated for a friend."
"Well, there would be records."
"Would there? Interesting. How would I find them?"
"It may be easiest to check for a birth record and see if you have a daughter first."
"Could you help me?"
He didn't respond for a while. Just when I was about to close down and go to bed, for the last night here, the device pinged.
"I shouldn't. But I do have internet access and you only have restricted access. I'm just considering all the possible repercussions if I help. Are you sure you can handle whatever I find out for you? Either way? Maybe you do have a daughter, but if I find her Birth Certificate, it may be linked to her Death Certificate. Can you handle that?"
"Let me sleep on it. At the moment I think I could, because I have no connection at all to her. I know that sounds cold, but if the trauma of what I went through wiped all memory of her from my mind, then it won't hurt if I find out she is dead, right? It'll be like finding out a character in a book is dead. She isn't real to me."
"But the shock might trigger a memory."
"I'm willing to risk it."
"You'd have to break so many rules. I'd need your real name and your bf's and your supposed daughter's name."
"I can't remember her name! It was something that sounded sort of made up, not a regular name. Or a common name spelled in an uncommon way. Not the sort of name I'd choose. But my husband may have named her. I know it will get me banned off this thing but I have to know. Are you willing to cop whatever fallout might happen for helping me?"
"I can handle it. I don't plan on telling anyone."
"Well I'll never tell anyone either."
"And if I do find out what you want to know, you have to agree to have your doctor on hand when we next talk, in case you need him."
"Fine."
"Are you tired?"
"Drowsy from the drugs."
"Then log off and go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow."
The name appeared in my fuzzy brain.
I typed it out.
"Kristabelle."
I logged off.
xxxxx
My dreams that night were totally fucked up. Maybe it was the drugs.
It started off at Rose and Emmett's wedding.
Emmett was standing at the top of the aisle, looking nervously at Rose, then he morphed into Edward, who was grinning like a crazy man, and I realised I'd gone from being bridesmaid to bride. Luckily Alice had dressed me in a silky white frock that could easily double as a wedding gown.
Even though we were inside, the building had no roof. The sky was a blaze of bright colours; red, green, blue, yellow, purple; like it was made up of panes of stained glass.
Bree was there, but she had two kids. A boy and a baby girl.
Yet she was still fifteen or so.
A small coffee skinned baby with a dreadlocks to his knees was singing "Are you going to go my way?" as he handed me the rings.
"I'll just set the coffee machine up," I explained to Edward, and ran up a pink twisty staircase.
Edward was upstairs ahead of me and he pulled the dress from my body, but now it was a towel.
"You look beautiful," he said, then closed the door in my face.
The wall between us disappeared. Edward smiled and pulled me into bed, kissing every inch of me.
"I love you so much."
I walked to the window. It was snowing outside and a blonde girl was stripping off her clothes, calling out to Edward that he had to pay her some attention. He went to the window and reached outside, then turned to face me, handing me Jakey.
The dog licked my face.
We were back at the wedding.
I think I was pregnant.
I think I carried a baby for Rose.
Right from the day I awoke from the coma, I'd noticed the small , silvery striations on my belly and breasts.
A nurse told me they could just be from a sudden growth spurt in my teens, but at 5 foot 4 inches tall with smallish breasts and very little stomach, I don't think that happened. I don't think I had a sudden growth spurt in either direction.
"Or from a pregnancy," she'd added.
The doctor had confirmed that was the case. I wished I could remember the baby. Or babies.
Though why I carried Rose's baby is a mystery.
I tried to force myself to remember handing the baby over but that resulted in a nightmare where I tried to give her the baby and she took it into a clinic. I woke up screaming.
xxxx
"Bella, wake up," Gloria urged, shaking my arm.
"I had the baby; not this baby, the other baby...not twins, they ...it...wasn't twins. I don't think Rose wanted to keep it. Why did I carry if she didn't want it?"
"It was just a dream. Listen to me. I just overheard a conversation between the doctor and Cass. He's getting a Court Order to have you kept in here indefinitely. That can't be done until morning. The only window you have to signing yourself out of here is now. I just happen to have the necessary forms on me.
Do you have somewhere you can go tonight? Somewhere local?"
I racked my foggy brain.
"I do. I have a friend who would let me stay over."
Riley owned the whole loft apartment, apparently, but I didn't sense we'd parted acrimoniously.
"Sign here, and here. I'll call you a cab. Put this on. It's clean. I only keep it here in case I ever get the urge to hit the gym on the way home from work but that's never happened."
I quickly dressed in the sweat pants and sweater she handed me. We were much the same size. Even her Chucks fitted, more or less.
We both packed everything I owned into a bin liner, and she led me out through a maze of corridors to a back door. There amongst the trash cans and Medical Waste bins, stood a taxi.
She shoved a couple of bills at the driver and told him to do this trip off the books, and to forget it ever happened.
He agreed readily, so she must have tipped him well.
I tossed my bag onto the back seat and turned to thank her, for everything.
"Be safe," she urged. "Call me if you need anything but do it from a callbox and say you are my sister, Meg. Good luck, Bella. Let me know once it's born, whether it's a girl or a boy."
I returned her embrace and made a decision.
"If it's a girl, I'll name her after you."
"Then I hope it's a boy. No sweet little girl needs to be burdened with such an old fashioned name. What will you name him?"
"Edward, of course," I replied.
xxxxx
I had no problem recalling my earlier address and the driver dropped me at the beginning of the street next to mine. I didn't need him to see exactly where I was headed.
Felix answered the door when I pushed on the bell.
"Well, if it isn't the dear departed Bella Swan. I knew it. I didn't bother wasting any money going to your funeral in Washington. What's the Golden Rule? No identifiable body..."
"Then they aren't dead," I replied with a grin.
"I knew you were undercover and needed someone to think you were dead."
He looked around the street in both directions before pulling me inside and locking the door again.
"I guess you want the key to Emmett's bedsit."
"Sure," I decided instantly. It would be best to keep Riley out of it.
"A man will probably come looking for me in the morning."
"Don't worry, Bella. I'll take him up to the loft and be as confused as Riley will be about how you could possibly be here, with you being dead and all. Nobody knows or cares who owns Emmett's place. I think they assume it's some sneaky husband's hook up joint. I will forget it exists. Now, you need some basics. I'll fetch you some proper food in the morning but take this for now."
He removed milk from his bar fridge and a box of teabags and a small plastic container of sugar from his own supplies, and added a plastic packet with two brightly iced donuts left inside to the mix.
"I could marry you for this. I'm seriously considering it." I informed him. "You have no idea how long it's been since I last tasted anything remotely related to junk food."
He blushed and grinned.
"I have a feeling your husband may not allow that. He's not dead, either, right?"
"Of course not. I'd know if he was dead," I informed him.
He carried my makeshift luggage up to the apartment and unlocked the door.
"Crap," I said with a sigh. "I think Emmett bought his pull out sofa in the same shop as where I got mine."
"Use the bed," Felix suggested. "I'll bring you up some clean linen from one of the rentals. Just in case."
He carried through with his promise and made the bed up for me while I stood under the shower, and felt warmed through by how at home I felt.
This was 'our place', more than any other. I could almost feel Edward waiting for me to emerge from the bathroom so he could cook me a meal.
Felix had gone but the jug was freshly boiled and a cup set up with milk, sugar and a teabag.
I sat on the sofa, sipping my tea and munching on a donut while looking out at the street as the city started to come alive in the early morning twilight.
xxxx