LUNCH BREAKS AND TOURIST TRAPS

"... I mean, seriously? Is it National Disrespect Torchwood Week?" Jack was saying as he and Gwen exited his office. He turned to Ianto as he came into the main area of the Hub. "The BBC seems to think that, just because Canary Wharf is gone, that Torchwood doesn't have teeth anymore. Why don't you take them off the air for a couple of hours tonight, right after the watershed? They can see how they like the taste of a few thousand 'Is this what I pay my licence fee for?' letters and irate phone calls."

Ianto nodded and noted something down.

"Not just BBC1, either. All the TV stations, all the radio stations. Everything. Let the nation watch reruns of American shows on Channel 5."

Jack turned to Buffy. "Still up for that walking tour I promised you yesterday? Or are you busy?" he said, nodding towards the forms she was filling in. He glanced up at the ceiling. "Apparently, the weather is lovely this afternoon."

Buffy had looked up from her paperwork as soon as she heard Jack's voice, just in time to catch Gwen's smirk and a shake of the head at their boss's rant. And... whoa, they could do that? Well, really, it did make sense. Willow could shut down the entire internet for hours at a time to stop people from getting into the NC's files, so why couldn't Torchwood use some of their amazing tech to force people to suffer through reruns?

"Nope, just finishing up," she answered with a grin, quickly signing her name at the bottom of the page before hopping up. Hurrying over to Ianto, she held them out with a grin and told him, "For you, kind Coffee God."

Jack looked over at him as he took the documents from Buffy. "Want to come with us?" he asked.

Ianto had been putting Buffy's forms into a file. His head snapped up. "I... really?"

Jack smiled. "Yeah, Gwen can handle things around here for a bit," he said, grinning over at Gwen for emphasis. He gave Buffy a nudge with his elbow, nodding towards Ianto. "He's local. He knows more."

"Technically, you've lived here longer than I have," Ianto answered, but he was putting his jacket on.

"Mostly underground," Jack pointed out.

"Fair point," Ianto conceded, heading up to Jack's office to get his coat.

Buffy nearly started dancing with excitement while they waited for Ianto. "Please tell me this city is more interesting than Rome," she said to Jack, amusement flitting across her expression. "Because once you've seen the ruins and done the shopping, there's really not much to it for an Action Girl like me."

Not that she didn't love Rome. She'd spent quite a few 'vacations' there with Andrew and the Minis, and on one occasion she'd even gotten to see 'herself' in action with some guy called the Immortal. Decoys still kinda wigged her out, but she no longer doubted their effectiveness.

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Define 'interesting'," he said. "We have monsters that could jump out of a sewer or the rift in time and space at any moment at any location. Keeps things interesting. There are also some really good restaurants if you know where to look and I know a guy who can put both feet behind his head."

"What 'guy'?" Ianto asked suspiciously as he arrived with Jack's coat.

"I meant used to know a guy," Jack told Buffy with a completely straight face.

Ianto helped Jack into his coat and gave him a look, but it was half-hearted and there was a smile in his eyes.

Before Buffy could head for the door, Jack steered her towards the centre of the room. "You haven't been this way, yet," he told her and gave her a hand up onto the platform before he and Ianto joined her. "We call it the invisible lift."

"Invisible? Neat," Buffy commented as the platform rose toward the surface, watching the gadgets and gears work beneath the ceiling. As the stone settled into place and as watched people pass by without any crazy looks or frantic screams, she smirked and gave Jack a sidelong gaze. "Lemme guess, they don't notice us? Something perceptiony?"

Not waiting for an answer, she hopped off the lift and did a little spin, her head tilting back to drink in the sun peaking through white clouds that did not promise rain. "Definitely of the wicked cool, but not so much as teleporting."

"Teleporting got me into this mess," Jack retorted without offering any sort of explanation. "And yes, it's a perception filter." He started out across the Plass towards Lloyd George Avenue, heading for the city centre. "Since you've been through the Plass a few times now, I imagine you've already taken in the Millenium Centre," he said, gesturing towards the elaborate venue as they passed it.

"Kinda sorta," she said with a shrug, hands in her coat pockets as she walked along with them, her eyes taking in the place where she'd be living from now on. "It was all rainy and yuck yesterday, and after I kinda just wanted to get home, so didn't pay much attention."

Her brow furrowed and she mused, "Not that it's really homey yet. Mostly just an empty apartment with lots of boxes mocking me and waiting for me to sleep so they can fall on top of me and make me a squished Buffy." Glancing at the two men who probably thought she was looney, she quickly added in defense, "It's happened before. Really. Evil possessed boxes."

"I've heard of stranger things," Ianto said placidly. Jack smirked.

"This area was pretty much derelict when I was growing up," Ianto explained to Buffy before they moved beyond the Plass. "This is all new within the last ten years."

Buffy smiled. "I like it," she decided, the atmosphere and look of the buildings not grating on her enhanced senses in the least. Good thing, too, since she was kinda stuck there. "It's not like L.A. or Sunnydale, and definitely not like Cleveland," she added with a chuckle. No, she was most certainly not in Ohio anymore, Toto.

Ianto looked over at her. "I haven't... been to America," he told her, "but I have noticed that Cleveland tends to be the punchline of a lot of jokes on American television." He cocked his head slightly. "I'm going to guess from your tone that it's at least somewhat warranted."

"Little bit," she agreed with another laugh and a broad smile. "Some stuff's way overdone and over-toppy, but others are very much warranted. But it's not a bad place to live, other than the active Hellmouth stuff. But really, the locals barely notice."

Ianto nodded and looked at Jack a little helplessly. He wasn't anti-social, by any means, but sometimes it got to the point where he just didn't know what to do with the continuous perkiness.

"Kinda like here," Jack said with a grin as they headed up the sidewalk along the wide boulevard of Lloyd George Avenue. He smirked again. "Then again, alien stuff is getting so old-hat around here, maybe it's not that they're not noticing. Maybe they're just bored of it now."

Buffy looked at Jack for a long moment, then glanced at Ianto before turning a completely innocent gaze on her ancient yet drool-worthy boss. "Or maybe it's just that you're getting boring," she said, completely serious and not letting even a tiny smile crack. She'd been looking forward to this one.

Jack looked at Ianto. Ianto raised an 'Are you going to let her talk to you like that?' eyebrow back at him. Jack looked at Buffy. "You think I'm boring?" he challenged her.

"Me?" she asked, a hand over her heart in mock shock, then waved her hand dismissively. "Never!" Leaning in close and lowering her voice a little, just for the comedic effect, she added secretively, "But you know what they say about old age... And you are getting pretty aged, bossman. Just sayin'."

"He's pretty spry for an old guy," Ianto interjected.

Jack looked at him. "Don't help me," he said.

Ianto shrugged and Jack turned back to Buffy. "Must be why I insist on surrounding myself with pretty young things," he said airily. "Apparently the PM has the same idea, because he's tried to steal almost my entire supply of them." Jack frowned thoughtfully. "Maybe I should inform him that he could pack fireworks up his ass and it wouldn't make him exciting," Jack suggested.

"I don't think that would be particularly diplomatic or prudent," Ianto countered.

Jack shrugged.

Buffy snickered and commented, "I think it's funny."

They walked for a few moments more before there was a lightbulb moment and she pointed at Jack in excitement. "You can tell him that and then we'll retcon him and stick him on an island!" she exclaimed, bouncing a little and wondering how far she had to go to get Ianto to give her one of his looks.

Ianto looked at them with a mix of consternation and a small amount of alarm, then decided he really didn't want to know. Deniability was always a good thing.

Jack, for his part, laughed. "This plan just gets better and better," he said happily. He looked at Ianto. "Just figuring out the most fun way to depose the Prime Minister," he explained.

"It's all well and good for you," Ianto answered dryly. "You don't have to clean it up."

Jack laughed again. "Fair point," he said, echoing Ianto's earlier sentiment.

Shaking her head, Buffy was reminded of all the times in those early days in Sunnydale when Willow had woried about the consequences and been nervous about things, but still always ready to jump into the chaos at first chance. Ianto almost reminded her of that Willow, the Willow before becoming a powerful witch with an addiction to magic, back when she'd been... different. They'd all been different back then.

"I'm sooo glad it stopped raining!" she suddenly exclaimed, changing the subject. "I'm never gonna get used to all the rain you people get here."

Jack laughed. "Don't worry," he joked. "We hardly see the light of day, sunny or not." The buildings got older and more dense as they came into the city centre. "And now, on your left and on your right," Jack said, putting on his best tour guide voice, "you see beautiful downtown Cardiff. Feel free to take pictures."

Turning to look at him with a disbelieving raised eyebrow, she asked Jack, "That's the best you've got?" Addressing Ianto, she informed him, "It's cheesy, and so not tip-worthy. I've seen better on the Travel Channel."

"Oh, well excuse me," Jack harrumphed. "Back in the day, when I actually had to do that kind of job, I tended to get by on my looks," he informed her. "And charm. My customers disagreed with your assessment of my tip-worthiness."

She rolled her eyes and informed him, "Sorry, McCharmy, it was all about the thrall." Grinning, she added cheerfully, "But hey! Ianto seems very not taken in by thrallness, so that has to say something about your non-thrally skill set."

Ianto glanced over at them, wondering how he'd managed to get dragged back into the conversation when he'd been basically trying to ignore most of it. "What makes you think I'm not taken in by the thrall?" he asked innocently.

Jack raised an eyebrow at him. "'Thrall' sounds a lot sexier when you say it," he informed the administrator. He glanced at Buffy. "Sorry, it's probably the accent."

Ianto rolled his eyes.

Jack looked at Buffy again. "I have amazing non-thrally skills," he assured her.

Buffy had to laugh at the comment about Ianto's accent. Oh, she knew all too well the power of an accent, especially a nice British one, though it did sometimes give her weird Giles flashbacks if she got too sleep-deprived, but it was a daily hazard she was willing to live with.

"You're not the ionly/i one," she retorted with a hint of suggestion, then hurried forward so she could turn and address the both of them. "So, where to next? Someplace interesting and hopefully not involving anything alieny, cause I'm kinda liking having the afternoon off?" she asked hopefully, feeling like a teenager trying to talk her way into an excuse for skipping school.

Ianto and Jack exchanged innocent looks that were far too innocent to be real.

"I thought this was an educational trip?" Ianto said.

"I don't think there is anything non-alieny in Cardiff," Jack added.

They both looked at Buffy. Ianto shrugged. Jack was about to say something when a woman in a cream-coloured jacket and crisp navy trousers stepped out of a newsagents in front of them. Her expression became slightly taut when she saw them.

"Well, well. What brings Torchwood out into the light of day?" she asked, looking over her sunglasses at Jack. "Is it some kind of monster sighting or do we have another particularly gruesome crime scene?"

"It's our lunchbreak," Jack replied breezily. "And might I say, you're looking lovely today, Kathy. You didn't have to dress up for us."

She raised a scrutinizing eyebrow at him. "It's Detective Swanson," she informed him.

He looked past her at Buffy. "This is Detective Swanson," he told her, by way of introduction.

She held his gaze, his mischievous, hers a little hard, before she started to stroll away. "Behave yourself, Captain."

"You can call me Jack," he told her.

"Not bloody likely," she answered, but her tone held a certain amount of amusement.

He laughed and resumed his easy stroll along the sidewalk. "Police," he explained to Buffy with a nod in the direction Swanson had departed in. "They don't always love us." He glanced after Swanson, though she'd already disappeared into the crowd. "She's alright, though."

Buffy had just sort of blinked her way through the entire encounter, amused by the exchange more than anything else. She could spot a cop a mile away now, see it in the way they walked, talked, and that oh so superior look in their eyes. They were almost like politicians, except there was less lie to cops and more thoughts of moral high ground.

"You know, first seven years of my job, had to work around the cops," she informed the boys, as she was starting to affectionately think of them in her head. "Avoid them butting in where they were just gonna get killed, trying not to get arrested for a murder I didn't commit... Nowdays, we have to play nice in the sandbox." Smirking, she added, "They never love us, but sometimes they like us. Usually when we show up during Apocalypse Season."

Jack smirked. "Unless they've decided that the current apocalypse is our fault," he pointed out. He raised an eyebrow. "So, seriously? What would you like to do?" he asked. "The castle?" He looked at Ianto. "The castle is kind of a must-see, isn't it?"

Ianto shrugged. He grew up walking past it. All the same, people who came into the tourist office were always asking about it. "Apparently," he told Jack. He looked at Buffy. "The views from the top of the Keep are nice, like I said."

Jack grinned at Buffy. "Also, we get into wherever we want for free," he told her.

Ianto sighed. "We'll buy tickets," he told Jack firmly.

Jack's expression was very nearly a pout. "Spoil sport," he muttered, giving Buffy a wink.

Buffy raised a scolding finger and told Jack in her best British wannabe accent, "Mustn't abuse those special privileges, Captain Harkness!" And then she promptly burst into giggles and turned a bright pink color. "Wow, he's right, that is so bad."

Waving off the tiny bursts of laughter, she managed to say, "Castle with a view sounds neat. Let's go."

Ianto looked at Jack with some confusion. "Who's right?" he asked. He looked over at Buffy. "Not that I don't agree with whoever it is," he added with wryly.

She rolled her eyes and muttered a, "Gee, thanks, Ianto," before turning around to walk properly down the street. "And the who would be my boyfriend. He's always saying my accent is 'bloody rubbish', now I have to admit he's right." She made her disgust at the thought known.

Jack grinned and glanced at Ianto who didn't say anything, but did it pointedly, which made Jack laugh.

He turned his attention to Buffy. "So when do we get to meet this allegedly handsome and mysterious man who is, apparently, sometimes right?" he asked brightly.

Glancing over her shoulder with a grin, she nodded appreciatively at Jack's description. "Definitely handsome, with some mysteriousness when he makes an effort, and rarely right that I'll admit," she elaborated with a laugh. "And sorry, he doesn't spend much time on this continent. Usually kept busy back in North America; he's pretty high up in the NC, too."

Jack fielded another confused look from Ianto. "New Council," he explained. "And that's most of what I know about it, except they're in charge of the legions of Slayers Buffy was talking about yesterday." He gave Buffy a slightly teasing look. "They, apparently, care for socializing with the Prime Minister more than fellow apocalypse averters."

Buffy shot a glare in Jack's direction. "Oh, don't make me hurt you," she playfully threatened. "You might enjoy it and then where would poor Ianto be?"

"Cleaning up after you, as usual," Ianto replied mildly.

Jack almost managed to suppress the extremely amused smile that remark provoked and raised his eyebrows at Buffy in a sort of 'See?' expression, implying that 'poor Ianto' had little to worry about in that department and her threats left him clearly unconcerned.

Ianto watched their silent teasing match for a moment as they came upon the castle. "I'm going to get tickets," he told them flatly, walking over to the little gift shop outside the castle's gate that sold the admissions, among other things.

Jack slid his hands into his pockets and looked at Buffy. "I've never actually done the tour," he revealed. "I guess you don't get the cheesy videos and tour guides when you don't come here during their actual opening hours."

She mimicked his posture and smiled. "Well, Ianto said touristy stuff was of the good, and you've lived here a while, so it's even better for you," she pronounced confidently. There was a moment's pause and then she looked at Jack innocently and asked, "We can mock the cheesy videos, right?"

"We can definitely mock the cheesy videos," Jack confirmed. "And I don't need a tour of the history of Cardiff, thanks. Lived it." He glanced past Buffy to see Ianto heading back towards them. He seemed about to hand Jack and Buffy their tickets when a sudden scream ripped through the air, followed by shouting and general panic in the direction it had come from. Ianto rolled his eyes as they started towards it, shoving the tickets into his jacket pocket.

"Of course," he remarked, "the Rift never acts up before you buy tickets." He looked at Jack emphatically.

"That was not my fault," Jack said defensively.

"I'm with Ianto," Buffy commented as the shouting grew louder up ahead. "It's so your fault."

Looking up at the sky that had previously been bright and cheery, she could have sworn it was laughing down at her now. "Seriously, an afternoon off, that's all I wanted. Do a little sightseeing, make Ianto all flustery, maybe scope out some shopping possibilities," she complained in a ramble. "Is that so much to ask?!"

Ianto's attention was taken from the ruckus ahead and turned, slightly startled, to Buffy when she mentioned his name. He looked at Jack with a mixture of accusation and pleading for help. Jack shrugged in reply.

When they got close enough to the fray, Jack spotted its cause. A reptilesque creature was blundering around in a narrow, crowded street looking, to Jack's mind, very lost. It had probably wandered through the Rift and had no idea where it was. He glanced around. Nobody was hurt - just frightened. He supposed it would look like a monster to the 21st century eye. "Everyone get back!" he shouted. The crowd backed up very slightly. Jack started to approach the creature slowly when someone in the crowd decided to get proactive and hit it with a chair from one of the nearby cafes' patio furniture. It reared up and turned on the person, swiping him out of the way with one large, scaly hand. He was thrown like a ragdoll against the wall of the cafe and a renewed bout of screaming began. This time people started running.

"At least they're getting out of the way now," Jack muttered. The creature, on the other hand, was riled now. It took a swipe at anyone who came near.

Well, Buffy supposed she had to at least be grateful that she'd decided not to wear really good clothes again today. She wasn't quite ready for another fashion fatality just yet, but hopefully Scaly wasn't a biter. Claws stung more, but didn't usually take out chunks either. She could do without missing chunks, too. "My turn," she murmured before stepping forward.

Getting close to the creature was proving to be a problem though. It was quick, almost as much so as a vampire, and those arms were pretty long. Buffy found herself dodging its swipes like an old game of middle school dodgeball, just doing what she could to stay in one piece.

"A little distraction, please!" she called back to the boys, dropping down to avoid another swipe and trying for a kick to the creature's leg, which only grazed it as it moved out of range.

Jack took a step towards the creature, whistling loudly to get its attention. He was focused on the creature and Buffy and only Ianto noticed a woman stepping towards the creature, apparently to try and grab her handbag.

"Stay back!" Ianto shouted. She ignored him, continuing to creep towards it.

Jack glanced over his shoulder, but couldn't look long enough to see what was going on, having to avoid swinging claws himself. Ianto moved forward to pull the woman back, grabbing her around the waist and bodily moving her away from the creature. She struggled the entire time. As he released her well out of the creature's reach, her boyfriend seemed to appear out of nowhere, punched him in the face, grabbed her by the hand and stalked away. Knocked to the ground, he pushed himself up into a sitting position. He could still hear her saying something about her purse as they disappeared into the crowd. He turned to look over his shoulder, to see how Buffy and Jack were doing.

This game of Dodge the Reptile Man was really getting out of hand. Not that Buffy was even breaking a sweat or anything, but she also wasn't getting in any good fighting, and that was the fun part. So, the next chance she had with the creature being momentarily distracted by Jack, she took it and threw herself into a flip over the top of it, landing behind it and striking out with a hard kick to it's back. The creature stumbled, then turned and threw her into the wall it had thrown the man into earlier. She hit it hard and dropped to the ground with a groan.

"Why is it always with the throwing of the Buffy into walls?" she grumbled as she pulled herself to her feet, wobbling only a tiny bit. "Least I didn't break this one." There had been many instances of broken gravestones and crumbled walls left in her wake.

While the creature was throwing Buffy into the wall, Jack pulled a stungun from his coat and charged it, colliding with the creature just as it started to turn towards him again. He shocked it twice with the stungun before it fell to the ground, unconscious, and glanced around in time to see both Buffy and Ianto pushing themselves to their feet. "That's teamwork," he said with a grin. He turned to Ianto. "Call Gwen and tell her to get the SUV down here, like, five minutes ago." He paused as Ianto fished his phone out of his pocket. "What happened to your face?" he asked. Ianto spared him a small glare and dialled Gwen's number, gingerly putting his fingers to the tender bruise forming under his left eye.

Rolling her shoulders to work out the kinks that were developing from being throw into the wall, she was going to be grumbling about that for days, she walked over to where the creature lay unconscious. Crouching down beside it, she studied its face for a moment, tilting her head, then finally commented, "Not much of a looker, is h-"

Her words broke off as she sucked in a quick breath, her eyes closing against a sudden rush of vertigo. She leaned forward to steady herself against the ground and a strange image forced its way into her mind. It was the creature... as it was being forced out of the back of white van. The image was gone a moment later and she was left blinking in the aftermath.

Jack was about to reply, but she didn't finish her quip as she seemed to have some sort of dizzy spell. "What is it?" he asked, frowning in concern. "Are you okay?" She'd been thrown into the wall. Maybe she needed medical attention.

Taking a few deep breaths, she nodded and carefully stood. "Yeah, peachy," she told him with a tight smile. "Don't worry, I used to get thrown into stuff all the time. Ceilings were the worst."

What had happened worried her, but until she knew anything more about it, she wasn't going to bring it up. It might be important, or it might be nothing. They didn't need everyone worrying over nothing.

Jack looked at her suspiciously for a moment, then turned his attention back to Ianto.

"Gwen's on her way," he told Jack as he slipped his phone back into his pocket. Jack stepped towards him and tilted his head slightly to the side so he could see the bruising properly, his fingers lingering along Ianto's jaw.

"Are you okay?" he asked, no note of teasing in his voice now.

"It's just a black eye," Ianto told him.

Jack nodded and let his hand drop away from the younger man's face. He turned back to Buffy. "When we get back you can help me muscle Dragon Boy into the cells," he told her. "We'll give him a chance to cool off, then maybe we can find out if he's capable of telling us where he came from."

Buffy nodded, warily watching the creature on the ground, pondering the strange sense of loneliness and confusion she'd felt with the image. It echoed her own experiences and some part of her wanted to reach out and really help this creature. This possibly sentient being.

Sentient being. Willow had really rubbed off on her over the years.