With Or Without You

Chapter 5

EPOV

I sat there staring at the last word Girl wrote before she logged off.

Kristabelle.

Was she still guessing my daughter's name? Then why hadn't she waited to see if she was right? I reread our conversation. The only other way to look at it was that Kristabelle was the name of the daughter she had forgotten.

What were the chances?

I Googled my daughter's name.

"Popularity of Kristabelle

Kristabelle is not a popular first name for women and an equally uncommon surname or last name for all people."

Just as I had suspected.

I'd deliberately spelled our daughter's name that way so she'd be unique. Maybe she would run into the occasional 'Christabel' over the course of a lifetime but it was a name used much more in England than here.

I paced the floor, wondering what it all meant.

The idea that someone up above was watching over me and had made Girl send me this name to shock me into admitting I felt a kind of connection to her was too far fetched. But what did it mean, then?

The chances she'd stumbled upon the correct name for my child was wildly remote. Maybe if I'd named her 'Jane' or 'Kate' it would be plausible. Could it be possible that she knew who I was, all along?

But even if she knew me, we had only used the full name on the birth certificate. Bella had thought it too pretentious and had insisted if I was getting my own way with the name, then I had two choices; Kristie or Kris.

Just like she refused to answer if anyone called her Isabella.

Bella and Kristie.

Kristie and Bella.

I could hear someone walking around outside.

"Mom?" I called quietly at the lone figure in the darkness.

"I'm okay. Just having one of those 'Bella' nights. You know how it is."

"Sure. Could you do me a favour and sit with Kristie for an hour or so? She's safely tucked up in her crib. I really need to clear my head and think."

"Of course. She's the next best thing to having Bella here with us. I'll try your trick and just watch her sleep."

I shut the door behind me and strode off towards the cliffs. Something was happening. I had no idea what but I suddenly felt buoyed up with a sense of hope that had long been absent in my life.

"Fuck, tell me that I'm not falling in love with a stranger. I know so little about her and anyway, I could never love anyone else but Bella. So why do I spend all day waiting impatiently to chat to her? Is it possible I'm moving on?"

The very idea made me sick to my stomach, but there was an excitement there as well.

"It wouldn't mean I love Bella any less. I'll never forget her. Some people do manage to find another partner, regardless of how much they loved their first."

I didn't kid myself that even if these feelings were real, that Girl and I could ever have anything as amazing as what I shared with my Bella, but I was weary of living my life under a thick, ever present cloud of sorrow and despair.

I kept remembering Charlie saying if only he'd got his head together and remarried someone else; someone 'good enough' when Bella was a baby, how much better life would have been for both of them.

Of course, the truth is that when I do meet Girl, we may look at one another and be completely unmoved.

Maybe she was six foot tall and blonde.

She kind of came across as a feisty little redhead.

"Just like Bella did," I exclaimed. I'd never worked out how she had missed out on the red hair because when she lost it, there was no redhead in town who exploded like Bella did. You never had to worry maybe you were in her bad books; she let you know loud and clear.

"I get it. She reminds me of Bella. Possibly not as much as I think, but there are definitely similarities."

Like the way she said 'offed' instead of killed. We both said it, but I'd picked up the habit from working with her.

And the way she rallied no matter how many knocks life served her.

I remembered how, even when devastated that I'd left her, Bella had been there for Rose.

And while it had taken time for the seriousness of what she had done to hit home, she'd never considered killing herself just because she thought she'd lost me.

Girl seemed to be made of similar stuff.

All these deaths and confusion but she wasn't bowled under.

And either she was psychic and had picked Kristie's name out of my brain or possibly we shared the same taste in unusual baby names.

I bet she didn't plan to name her coming baby son 'Edward'.

Maybe she was 'one of us'.

Bella loved explaining soulmates to anyone who'd listen. There are seven Souls in a Soul Family. It could be that Girl was Bella's cosmic sister, and that was why I was intrigued with her. It wasn't my time to go yet, so as some sort of mild compensation for losing my soul mate, I was being pushed towards another member of our Soul Family.

She clearly loved the boyfriend or husband who had deserted her, so maybe if nothing else, we could support one another for a time and be friends.

Why did I feel a pang of disappointment that it may never be more than that?

I guess I want to live again, and if being with someone 'good enough' can keep me out of the dark place, then I owe it to my daughter to try.

It's a proven fact that those individuals who live with a depressed person are far more likely to fall into depression themselves and I would not do that to Kristie. Better she had a normal life with a nice enough stepmom and not mirror her mother's life of feeling constantly bereaved. I had proved I could co-exist with a woman I barely had anything in common with when I lived with Rose. I almost married her, thinking that what I felt for her was all there was.

I could live that way now, because I would never have the expectations of finding My One.

I'd found her, and she would want me to put Kristie first and do everything I could to give our child a normal upbringing.

If things didn't workout with Girl, then I'd have to rethink, but I was determined now to find a woman who could love us both as a package, whoever she may be.

I heard the shrill of the electric jug and went inside.

Esme was putting out cups and making coffee for us both.

"It's not like either of us will sleep anyway, right?" she said. She pulled one of Rose's famous cheesecakes from my fridge and cut chunky wedges that were easily a double serve, for each of us. In my opinion, Rose's skill at making cheesecakes was her very best asset and she knew it. She liked to remind me of why I had been with her in the first place.

It was kind of funny, because one would expect her to demand men wanted her for her face or body or just for the bedroom gymnastics, but no. She liked that I'd always been a pushover for her cheesecakes.

"Well, do you want to talk about Bella?" Mom asked, taking a mouthful of the creamy dessert. "My God, Rose is an expert when it comes to desserts. I think she could have hooked Emmett on her cooking skills alone."

"Actually, I want to ask you a favour. I need you to look after Kristie for a few days, maybe a week."

"Why? Are you very depressed?" she asked worriedly.

"No. Just the opposite. I'm going to Boston."

"To look up an old friend?" she asked.

"Nope. To meet a new one."

Mom froze.

"It's okay Mom. It may be nothing. But there's this little glimmer of hope that tells me it could be something. You know that I feel some type of connection to one of the inpatients I've been chatting to."

She nodded. "Girl Next Door. I have noticed."

"I need to go meet her face to face and see if it's an illusion."

"Oh Edward," she said through the tears that were coursing down her cheeks, the cake forgotten.

"I have to try, Mom. And it feels like time, in the respect there will never be a right time. There'll never be a time when I feel it's right to move on, so why not now? What am I waiting for? My feelings for Bella will never change or go away so waiting some 'sensible' two years or whatever is pointless. Why should Kristie grow up without a mother figure in her life because my heart and brain are frozen in time? I'll never be ready, so why not try now? I will grieve forever but I have to live at the same time."

xxxx

The next morning I said Goodbye to each family member on the island's private jetty and held my daughter in my arms for the longest time, kissing her head a dozen times.

"Okay, time's up. Wave to Dadda, Kristie," Rose ordered, taking my child from my arms.

"You are really doing this?" Emmett said in wonder.

"Emmett, in truth I have no idea what I'm doing. I may get to the airport and decide it's all a bad idea and come back home,"

"Don't you dare," Rose replied. "You have to do what Bella would want you to do. Now, remember, looks are not important. Personality is everything."

In other words, don't you dare bring home any woman who outshines me ever again.

"I hear you, Rose," I laughed.

I have always loved the speed and freedom a speedboat gives you, and I stood up and let the wind ruffle my hair. Maybe I should get it cut. Maybe I should shave.

Get rid of the beard.

I laughed.

"Maybe keep the stubble."

I had no idea why this Girl was doing this to me, but it felt like I was being pulled toward her like a magnet.

xxxx

BPOV

Felix rushed upstairs and pounded on my door the moment Cass left.

"I did it. I headed him off. Luckily I remembered all those friends you made when you were undercover busting the dealer. Siobhan and Laurence, was it? I gave him their address and off he went, like the well trained puppy that he is."

"Those names don't ring a bell," I admitted.

"Really? Not even Siobhan? She carried twins for Rose and Emmett last I heard. How could you forget that?"

"She did? I didn't?"

"Bella, you were preggers with your own kid. Can I ask? Did you just eat all the pies or are we going to need that Porta-cot someday in the future?"

"I am pregnant," I admitted. "You met Kristabelle?"

"Oh. I thought her name was Kristie. Yeah, I met her. At her naming ceremony. Thanks for noticing I was there."

"It's the head injury," I explained. "I was in a coma for weeks. My memory still has some gaps."

Yes, and the Grand Canyon is a little hole in the ground. How could I forget my own daughter? So, Cass had not lied about me being married and having her. But he must have lied about her being dead.

I was sure I was right, and Marcus had hidden them so well that nobody knew.

But if only he and the Cullen family knew where that was, and they thought I was dead...

The only way Edward would stay away from me was if I was dead. He swore he'd never leave me again, not ever.

So where the fuck did I start looking?

"What are your plans? You can stay here for as long as you like. Emmett and Blondie never come here now. I'm sure he won't care if you live here."

"Thanks. I may be back, but tomorrow I'm booked on a flight to Seattle. I have to go back to Forks and find out what anyone knows."

"Then I will drive you to the airport. No arguing."

"I have to do a little shopping first," I admitted. I had one borrowed sweatsuit and a bunch of nighties.

"I'll come with, and keep a lookout. Nobody shall get to you on my watch."

"Aro's safely locked up, I think I'm safe," I replied.

"Actually, they transferred him and his crew to Texas. He'd committed similar murders there in one of his other Palace's and as you know, they like to fast track executions in that state. They are all gone. You missed all the excitement. Someone even tried to get it beamed live on tv but the Governor wouldn't allow it. Pity."

"So, they are all dead? That's good news. Come on, we have to shop. And you have to tell me if the clothes I choose make me look ridiculous. I shall stick to the WWAB mantra but it will be hard work working out what fits into her narrow range of allowable garments."

"WWAB?"

"What Would Alice Buy," I explained.

xxxx

I have no idea if I got it right but I was pregnant and people make allowances for Pregnant Brain Syndrome. It was as good an excuse as any. I got maternity jeans and loose tops and nobody could even tell I had my little Edward bun in the oven.

He seemed to like me in blue. Whenever I tried on anything in that colour, he moved.

I chose to interpret it as approval.

I even found a beautiful loose floaty dress in the softest ice blue gauze, and just looking at it in the store window made me realize Edward would love this dress. Easy access, a long skirt to hide my legs from all other men, and it was his favourite colour.

I cringed at the price tag but bought it anyway. Why not? I was loaded.

Felix carried my bags and insisted we stop regularly to drink tea and eat snacks so my blood sugar wouldn't drop but luckily he had no idea of the allowable foods in pregnancy. Unlike Edward.

I didn't eat anything dangerous but I'd be lying if I said I stuck to foods which were the highest in nutrition for the calories.

I paused.

So, Edward had regimented my eating when I was pregnant with Kristabelle? I hadn't known that until now. God, I bet I was a mouthy cow when he took away my tea. I could imagine him forcing me to drink some of those hideous herbal brews.

"God."

"What?" Felix asked, confused.

"I forgot God."

"Well, Bella, I didn't realize you were religious but I'm sure God hasn't forgotten you."

"No. GreekGod. My friend. I never told him I was leaving."

"Do you want to call him on my cell?"

"I don't know his number. Or his name," I admitted. "I don't even know what state he lives in. Not Washington. Or any other W state."

"That still leaves a few then," Felix pointed out. "He could be almost anywhere."

"Damn. I'm really going to miss talking to him."

"That's all you two were doing?" he asked. Men, honestly.

"Yes. Men and women can be just friends, believe it or not."

He considered this.

"Felix, you and I are just friends and we have never wanted it to be more than that."

"Course not," he muttered, turning red and making a show of locating all my parcels so we could go home.

I did borrow his cell. I sent Jake a text, not identifying who it was from, simply saying I was one of Bella Swan's friends and could he meet me at SeaTac and drive me to Forks. For some reason, he agreed. He even gave me the choice of his motorbike or truck.

"Let's go with the rusty red Beast," I answered.

xxxx

When we got back to the apartment building , there was family group waiting in Reception.

A chunky woman with long red hair and pretty blue eyes.

A tall dark skinned man, with dreadlocks, and a baby girl with her mother's colouring and looks in his arms.

And a gorgeous little coffee skinned boy with short dreadlocks to his chin.

He turned and looked at me, then launched himself in my direction.

"Laird!" I screamed in joy, lifting him into my arms and rubbing my nose against his, for some reason.

"Eskimo kiss!" he chortled.

I saw his parents looking at me but my vision faded and instead, it was like watching a video inside my brain.

Rose, walking away through that hateful door with the nurse.

Jade, the spiral staircase.

The loft, all renovated.

The tub near the bed; the windows glinting in the sun.

The snow, the birth, Edward handing a newborn Laird to me to put down my shirt front.

The wedding; Edward carrying me over the threshold.

"I'm nothing if not traditional."

The other wedding. An open coach and horses.

My belly, curved like it is now.

The island.

The lighthouse.

Dancing on the beach.

Edward.

Naked, beautiful, hovering above me, kissing my lips, staring into my eyes as he made love to me.

His lips on my belly, kissing our child within.

Sneaking along the path between our houses one night, my body crippled periodically with contractions.

Edward delivering our own baby girl.

Her little hand covering my mouth whenever I tried to sing her to sleep.

Holding her in the natural light, searching her eyes for telltale signs that they would turn green.

Her hair, shiny auburn , falling in soft curls so much prettier than my own hair ever managed.

Kristie trying to blow out the single candle on the cake with pink frosting.

Sitting on her Daddy's knee, her own fat little sausage fingers trying to copy his fingers as he played the piano.

All of us, applauding, like she'd won the Nobel Prize.

Rose bushes, almost ready to be planted.

Kristie, all dressed up but refusing to go with me to her Poppa's house because she wanted to stay home with Edward.

Angela, coffee, Jake and the flat tyre.

The handle of the yellow jug, broken in my hand.

The blackness.

"Are you okay? Laurent, take Laird off her and make her sit down."

"I remember," I murmured. "I remember everything."

xxxxx

They say a look is worth a thousand words and when I entered the terminal to collect my luggage, Jake Black whooped with delight and ducked under the barricade to get to me.

"Bells, my dearest Bells. Don't ask me how but I knew those texts were from you. I didn't tell Charlie. I feared he might have a heart attack if he found out you were alive. And if it really was just a friend of yours, I'd have gotten his hopes up for nothing and shattered his world again."

"So Charlie is definitely alive?" I asked urgently.

"Oh yes. He's one of the tribe now. He refused to take on a Tribal name so we call him Charlie Paleface."

"Nice, Jake. Now take me home."

"You do know Charlie's house is, like, dust? The site has been cleared but it looked more like there'd been a bonfire held there, never a house. And now it's a little playground, named for you."

"Creepy," I exclaimed.

"Where are they? The Cullen's? Where did they go?"

"I have no idea. Marcus will have hidden them so well..."

"No way. I saw Emmett and his father torch those cars and push them off the cliffs myself. There was not anyone else apart from the family members there. That's why the park is only named after you. Charlie knows your husband and kid are alive somewhere. He knows the Cullen's faked their own deaths.

The only question is, who were the bodies inside those cars? I mean, I'm sure they were dead already. I'm sure Carlisle would never murder anyone."

"So, you saw the whole family? Including Edward and my daughter?"

"Sure. Word had just gotten out that you had been killed so I didn't show myself. Edward was devastated."

"He does think I'm dead," I groaned. "We have to find them. Where would they have gone?"

"Not too far without wheels. I can take you to your house if you want. Maybe they left a clue."

"You like my house?" I said in surprise.

"It's okay. With all his money he could have built some pretentious mansion. But it's homely. Like a oversized English cottage. Stained glass windows. Pretty garden. I've kept the garden nice. I was doing it as a tribute to your memory but this is so much better. Welcome home, Bella."

He crushed me in his arms again, and I kissed his cheek.

It felt good, coming back from the dead.

xxxx

Jacob went inside the pretty little stone house on the beach front of the Res first and warned Charlie and Sue that what they were about to see would seem impossible, but it was true.

My Dad came outside, and finally, we each knew for certain that the other was really, truly, alive.

xxxx

A/N Sorry for rushing this but I can't shake off the pneumonia and have a feeling they'll toss me back into hospital so I want to finish this first.