The first instinct Spencer had was to get to her at all costs. She couldn't be dead, she couldn't be dead, she couldn't be dead... The words kept replaying in his mind like it was something foreign; dead. Spencer couldn't bring himself to believe it.
So many things were going on so fast in the course of less than a second. The orange glows of the last rays of light for the day, illuminated the alley and all the surfaces around them, making everything seem so much more surreal. The constant firing of bullets continued around Spencer, but he hardly minded at the moment. Smoke was thick in the air, mixed with dust kicked up from the ground below their feet. Along with shots being fired, yells and shouts echoed through the air and off the faces of Boston buildings around the shootout. Spencer couldn't tell which sounds were coming from where or who. He could distinguish the shriek of JJ as soon as Evie had hit the pavement, but after that he lost track. The noise seemed to almost be decreasing to become quieter and quieter as if he was swimming underwater and everything was moving in slow motion.
His eyes still on the lifeless form of Evie's body, Spencer willed his legs to move, lunging himself towards where she laid. He didn't even feel like himself. He felt like he was watching himself move from outside of his body. Everything seemed so incredibly unreal.
Before he could even get further than a step, he hit something solid in front of him. Still completely flustered, Spencer didn't even have time to think what it was. The only thing he knew was that it was holding him back from getting to Evie who was NOT dead, she couldn't be dead.
"Reid! Reid, stop!" Morgan's deep voice boomed from beside him, almost directly in his ear. Reid realized even in his frantic state, that the thing holding him back was Morgan's strong arm, his muscles bulging with the force he was using to restrain Spencer at all costs. He didn't care if he was running straight into a cross fire. He needed to get to her.
"Reid, listen to me! There's nothing else you can do!" Morgan roared above the chaos of the scene. Spencer persisted in trying everything he could to shove Morgan away and free himself from his grasp. He knew he probably looked insane fighting Morgan's grasp like he was mental, but at the time he didn't care one bit.
She can't be dead. She can't be dead. He continued to repeat in his mind , time and time again. Out of all the noise contributing to the chaos, Spencer's breathing had to be the loudest in his ear. At the time, he didn't even realize that it was fast and choppy, blocking out most other sounds that tore through the air around him. The sharp sound of a bullet whizzing by his ear, missing him by inches didn't even occur to him in that moment. He was panicking to say the least, showing all the signs of an impeding anxiety attack.
Five seconds seemed like forever until Spencer finally broke from his friend's iron grasp, only one thing on his mind. Reid struggled to push himself forward to where her body layed, but out of the corner of his eye, he could see that other's had the same idea. A few of the unsubs were making their way forward with intentions obviously on reaching her first. Spencer didn't know why, but he only wanted to get to her side before them. He even might've, if he was captured once more.
"No!" Spencer protested when his wrist was captured in Morgan's deadly grip. He was yanked backwards further away from her, but his eyes never left the sight of the blood beginning to pool around the beautiful petite figure of what used to be his girlfriend.
"Evie!" he called out, as if it would magically resurrect her. "Evie!"
"You've got to calm down, kid." Morgan said. He kept yelling other things over the ruckus around them, but nothing registered in Spencer's mind but...
She can't be dead. She can't be dead.
His breathing increased and became more labored if it was even possible, while he watched the figures that were now beginning to blur. As Spencer was dragged away, they reached what only looked like a lifeless mass collapsed on the ground from the way his vision was getting hazy. Reid tried to call out to her once more, but it only turned into a strangled form of her name. The sounds of the shootout were fading in his mind, his thoughts getting foggy.
The surreal scene around him carried on as Spencer's vision darkened and anxiety set in further. The guns continued to crack, the shouts continues to roars, and Morgan's voice continued to bark incoherent things in his ear. But before he knew it, everything had gone black.
He traced the curve of her features with his eyes. Her skin looked unbelievably soft from where he stood watching her, completely flawless. In fact, it even seemed to glow, even in the darkness that they were both bathed in. But his favorite part was her eyes, as they always have been. They were gorgeous; an electric glimmering gray.
He wanted to hold on to that image of her forever. Spencer didn't know where he was or what was happening, but he did know that feeling that swelled up inside of him whenever he saw her. He needed Evie. He needed to touch her to make sure she was there and he didn't know why. Spencer felt like if he didn't hold onto her now, she'd slip away from his grasp forever.
His time cut short, darkness faded in once again. He wanted to call out to her, but she faded away. He tried to move, but his feet were planted in place in the abyss around him. The anxiety was building up in his chest as he moved further and further away from her, trying so hard to will her to come back.
At the same time, Spencer was beginning to smell smoke. It wafted somewhere around him lightly at first, but soon it began to infiltrate his airways and burn his lungs. What was that?
Spencer forced his eyes open to unfamiliar surroundings. His head was spinning and his heart was racing, the constant thumping banging on his chest like his heart was desperately trying to break out. There were flashing lights all around him, and within a few seconds, his eyes were stinging. He instantly concluded that it was the smoke that was heavy in the air around him. His nose and lungs were still burning, and Reid could swear he could hear the crackle of fire somewhere not too far off.
"Hotch, he's waking up." Morgan said in a more serious tone that usual. Spencer tested the muscles in his face and frowned. What had happened? Why had he been asleep in the first place? What was on fire? Where was Evie?
Oh god... he thought. Evie...
Spencer jerked straight up from where he seemed to be lying on a stretcher in an ambulance. Two figures from outside of the vehicle jumped in and grabbed each of his arms, trying to keep Spencer from jumping out of the ambulance. Through the struggle against the hands restraining him, Spencer took in the surroundings outside of the ambulance. Everything rushed back to him. The police cars, the alleyway, the shootout, Evie... Oh god, Evie...
"I need to get to her!" he shouted while trying to yank himself out of the grasp of Hotch and Morgan who he recognized out of the corners of his eyes.
"Reid! Reid, listen to me!" Morgan shouted, strengthening his grip to the point where Spencer cringed from the pain in his arm. Spencer slowed his efforts, but only a little. His breathing was back to its panicked state and his mind was racing with the memory of her dying in front of him. But she wasn't dead. She wasn't dead.
"Reid, the dragged her back into their headquarters in the abandoned tavern." Morgan said, his tone withering at the end, and remorse seeping into his voice.
"What are we doing! We have to get her!"
"Reid, I'm sorry! She was already gone by then." Hotch said sternly from the other side. Spencer shook his head furiously and began to fight against their grips with renewed vigor.
"We don't know that for sure!" he grunted, straining against the force of both of them holding him down.
"Reid..." Morgan said, his voice growing uncharacteristically quite, catching Reid of guard. He froze and looked up into Morgan's dark eyes that had sympathy glimmering in each orb of darkness. Spencer didn't like the sound of it.
"It was a suicide bombing. They bombed themselves once in the tavern. She's gone, man." Derek said, his voice growing strained as he said it. Reid had stopped all attempts to break free at this point. He let Morgan's words sink in. She was gone. She was dead. Evie was dead. The one person he was going to spend every waking moment of the rest of his life with. The one person who his children would resemble so beautifully. The one person who made him feel more than just a bunch of statistics.
"Spencer, lie down or you'll have another panic attack." Hotch ordered, helping Morgan gently push Spencer's shoulders down so he was lying on the stretcher again. Spencer just let them, not even able to move or think. He didn't know what to feel. He was a mix of so many emotions that he didn't know how to handle himself. His body and mind just shut off, and he felt completely numb as he tried to process what had just happened.
"I'm so sorry, kid." Morgan voice whispered from his right side. Spencer just stared blankly up at the bright light on the top of the ambulance. He heard his friends words, but he wasn't quite listening. The only thing he could think of was her.
Time went by, although he wasn't so sure how much. Sounds of people conversing outside and ordering people around emanated from outside. There was the distant sound of a power hose shooting water across the broken remains of what probably was the tavern. Spencer paid no attention to anything going on around him. He continued to look up at the ceiling without emotion, will to move, or will to think. He was aware of Hotch and Morgan eventually reluctantly leaving his side after multiple attempts to get him to speak. Spencer didn't mind if they stayed or went. Nothing mattered to him anymore.
"Spence..." he eventually heard a familiar voice beside him. He flickered his eyes to the right to see JJ and acknowledge her for a moment before returning his gaze upwards. He felt her hand tentatively touch his own that was folded over on his chest. She sniffled from beside him and gently squeezed his hand. She could always comfort him, no matter what. This time, it was an exception. Spencer didn't think anything would comfort him now. He had nothing left. He couldn't even process a thing going on.
"I'm- I'm so sorry." she choked out, her voice wavering. She sniffled again from beside him and he felt her light hand on his shoulder. They both stayed like that for a while, frozen with the world carrying on outside without them.
It seemed like forever, but at the same time no time at all, before JJ shifted her stance. She was talking to someone who approached the back of the ambulance behind them, her words faint and far in Spencer's mind. He felt her eventually squeeze his shoulder lightly.
"Spencer..." she said, but it still sounded like her voice was far away or they were both underwater. He didn't even flinch to show her he'd heard, so she waited a bit and then carried on.
"I'm going to take you home now." she whispered, her fingers lightly brushing away the hair sweeping across the top of his forehead in her motherly-JJ mannerism. Reid wanted to protest. He didn't want to move without her. He didn't want to breathe without her. She was his world. How could she be gone?
"Come on, sweetheart." she whispered, putting a hand on the back of his shoulder and gently helping him sit up. Spencer let her, having no more power to do anything at all. Sitting up allowed him to see the scene outside. The night progressed to the darkest hour. The smoke had decreased in the air and the flames that once flickered down the alley were smothered. The bright flashing lights of the police cruisers, ambulances, and firetrucks were still present, but many had obviously cleared out at this point. Spencer guessed that a lot of time must've passed, but he couldn't guess how much for his life.
"Spencer, please." JJ said with a strangled plea. He realized she was gently tugging him with an arm around his back to support him, trying to pull him off the stretcher. Reid was smart enough to know that no matter how much he wanted to, he could go limp forever. Subconsciously, he let her pull him onto his feet, barely able to keep his stance.
JJ snaked her arms around him, helping him stay upright. She led him out of the ambulance and onto the pavement, guiding him through bustling people doing last minute clean-up. It was getting much colder out, Spencer realizing for the first time that his vest and jacket had been removed when he was blacked out. The cold air bit at his skin through his thin dress shirt, but he didn't even stir. It didn't affect him at all, it wasn't a wake up call, it didn't stir any discomfort. Spencer felt like he was dead from the inside, wishing he was just dead altogether.
Somehow, after what seemed like miles and miles of walking and hours in the car, Spencer ended up on the jet. JJ hadn't let go of him the entire way, whispering things about how sorry she was and how she couldn't believe this was happening to herself all along the way. She was crying the entire way too, always checking to see if Spencer's expression changed, but it never did. He remained blank and emotionless, just wallowing in his thoughts.
"Spencer?" JJ tried to reach him again sometime after take off. Spencer stared out of the window into the dark skies. Everything reminded him of her. She was everywhere and no where all at once. The seat next to him is where she sat on the way to the Phantom case, and he sat on her other side, holding her hand the whole time. She loved to look out into the skies as he was doing now. She loved looking at the stars. She loved nuzzle up into his side...
Spencer felt a lump in his throat rise up to the point where it was painful. Even if he tried, he couldn't get the tears to fall. It was like he was broken. Nothing would work. He was only a hallow shell of a broken being.
JJ seemed to have given up on trying to get him to respond. He had heard the phrase "in shock" thrown around while people talked about him in the last moments between lying in the ambulance and now. He didn't register the idea, but somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it was true. He was in shock and he couldn't accept the fact that his baby was gone from his arms forever. He never even got a chance to tell her he loved her...
Reid felt a hand slip into his own. JJ squeezed it lightly and continued to quietly cry beside him the entire way back.
Spencer was guided off the plane once they landed. It felt even worse being back in the city where they lived. This was the city where he fell in love with her. This is where she moved in with him, and where they had their first kiss, and where they shared most of their prized moments.
Before JJ could lead Spencer to her car, he got a mix of pats on the back and shoulder squeezes from his friends. They could've punched him in the face and he wouldn't have registered it, so nothing else did either.
The walk to the car was silent. The car ride was silent. Walking up Spencer's apartment complex stairwell was... silent. JJ held onto him tightly as if she was afraid he'd collapse at any second. To be fair, he felt he would. Watching them take the same route him and Evie did every day, from the BAU back to their apartment nearly killed him. He felt like there was an elephant weighing down his chest and he couldn't breathe.
Just seeing the front of the apartment door was even worse. JJ opened the door with her spare key and helped Spencer in. If he had any strength left, he would've refused. He couldn't go in there. He'd only see the ghost of her drawing, her hair spilling over half of her face. Or he'd see her hopping around to the soundtrack of her favorite musicals, or making brownies and turning the kitchen into a disaster, or reading by the natural light filtering in through the window.
Once Spencer got in however, it was even worse. She wasn't there. There was no one drawing. There was no one dancing. There was no one to read or make a mess of their kitchen. There were only remenants of her, like her drawings scattered all over the place, looking meaningless as they sat around without their creator. The flat was quite, her music dead. All of the life seemed to be sucked out. The warmth and friendly died with her, and somehow, all at once everything hit Spencer like a train.
He collapsed before even reaching the living room. JJ tried to catch him and hold him up, but he was too heavy for her. Instead, she dropped her her knees to catch him, her arms wrapped around his body tightly as sobs finally racked his body. Spencer felt as if his heart had exploded. It felt like someone was taking a hot fire stoker and stabbing him in the chest repeatedly, while wringing it out tightly in a knot so that he couldn't breath at the same time.
His breathing was choppy alongside his sobs. He let the tears fall down his face as Jayge enveloped him in an embrace, holding him tightly against her so that he could lie his head on her shoulder. One of her hands rubbed his back and then other pet his hair while holding his head on her shoulder comfortingly. Spencer could feel her body shaking ever so slightly too, and he knew that she was crying as well.
The words that had kept playing through Spencer's mind had come to an end, and suddenly he realized that she was in fact gone. She wasn't coming back. He'd never hold her. He'd never apologize. He'd never tell her he'd love her. If he would've known that the last kiss they had was their last, he would've made it last a lifetime. It wasn't until now that Reid realized he could've done so much more. He'd never be enough for her. Not in life, nor in death.
"She- she can't be gone." Spencer stuttered through his broken up patterns of sobs and labored breathing.
"Shhh..." JJ tried to soothe him, kissing the side of his head that was lying in the crook of her neck. She held him close and seemed like she had no intentions of letting go, so they sat there for a while while Spencer finally allowed himself to accept what had happened, depression and devastation washing over him like a tsunami.
"Spence..." JJ coaxed him out of his deep greiving state. "Why don't you come stay with me for a while." she suggested, her voice quieter than usual, most likely from the crying. Spencer didn't even want to hear what his sounded like, so he just shook his head into her neck. JJ sighed and pushed her fingers through his hair.
"Please, Spence..."
"No." he croaked, his voice soar from the crying. "Please, I'd like to be alone." he whispered. He felt JJ pull away so that she could look into his eyes. Spencer gazed back, seeing in her eyes how she was affected by Evie's death.
"Spe-"
"Please." he begged her. He didn't know why he was begging to stay. He guessed he just wasn't ready to be with other people. He only wanted her.
"Okay." JJ whispered, heart-broken. "I'm calling up to check on you and I'll be here tomorrow." she said, taking a deep breath and regaining herself. She wiped away the tears on her face and squeezed Spence's shoulder.
"Okay." Spencer whispered.
It had taken a while to get JJ out. She was extremely nervous about the idea of leaving Spencer alone in such an alone state, but he had insisted greatly. Finally and eventually, he was left alone in an area full of constant memories that would now haunt him forever.
After standing in the kitchen and looking at the wall for a good twenty minutes, Spencer moved into their bedroom... well... his bedroom now. He could imagine them waking up to each other and falling asleep in each other's arms. This was the place where he first lost his virginity to someone he loved more than life itself.
Collapsing on the bed, Spencer was overwhelmed with memories flooding his mind. He could see her face in his mind so vividly. Throughout the years would he forget it? Everyday, would the image fade more and more? Even an eidetic memory couldn't fight the way time deteriorates memories, even if its gradually day by day.
Spencer turned over with more effort than it should've taken, spotting something out of the corner of his eye. On the dresser across the room, there was a small pile of tissues crumpled up on the wood. They weren't there when he'd left for the case. Remembering her red eyes on the plane yesterday, Spencer felt his heart constrict to the size of a pulp. He'd done that to her. He'd made her feel awful. He'd broken her down and blamed her for something that she was being nothing but a great girlfriend about. Never before had he felt so ridden with guilt from the inside out.
Spence turned on his side to face the empty space where she would be lying right now if she was alive. She'd look back at him and smile and comment about how she thought something he did was cute. She'd run her fingers through his hair and he'd rub circles on the skin of her hip with his thumb.
Knowing he'd never have that again, Spencer reached over and pulled her pillow into his chest, burying his face into the fabric and letting his body shake with sobs once more. It smelled like Eucalyptus, her favorite shampoo and his favorite scent to smell while burying his face in her hair. He wanted her back. He wanted to fix everything. But now, he could only bury his face in her pillow and smell her scent while letting greif bury him deep in darkness.
WARNING: SPOILERS FROM NEWEST EPISODE
Amazing episode tonight, but at the end, for me personally, completely ruined. I don't like the lady Spencer asked to coffee. Sorry if you do, but I hate who they casted. Fans have been waiting so long for a girlfriend for Spencer and this is a pure disappointment. There is no chemistry. She looks likes she's like ten years older than him. She just plain annoying and reminds me of a PTA mom. I. Cannot. Express. How. Angry. I. Am.
I'm hoping it won't turn into anything. She's completely wrong. There are certain characters you can look at like JJ and Will and just say, wow they're adorable. This lady, is not at all one of them.
Anyone else have other thoughts if you've seen the newer episode? I'm hoping it won't turn into anything more than just coffee or not even that.