"They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice... that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person."

~Arthur Schopenhauer

The panel on the wall open slowly and gently. That's exactly how Evie knew it was only Hani. He appeared in the doorway with another tray of food. It looked like the same exact thing. A small bottle of water, bread wrapped in saran wrap, a few chicken nuggets, carrots, and broccoli. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to keep her the least bit satisfied until the next tray came.

Evelyn was beginning to look forward to every time Batra came to see her. She was lonely, and being alone only left her with her thoughts of home. Thinking of home always sent pains through her chest. She could imagine Spencer so vividly, but he wasn't there. He was hundreds of miles away. This she knew, after Hani had explained they were in fact, still in Boston.

"Here we are." he said, setting the tray on her lap. The warmth of the tray warmed her lap through the thin sheet that was just barely keeping her warm. Evie shivered, realizing how cold she really was after knowing what warmth felt like. A room of shabby wood and gray cement wasn't the most comfortable place to be locked up for hours. Not to mention, she was beginning to go crazy from lying in a bed for hours after hours. There was one time where she needed to go to the bathroom and she had called for someone for nearly twenty minutes. When they'd finally burst into the room, aggravated looks on their faces, the men blindfolded her and half-led, half-dragged her down a long hallway, pushing her into a small bathroom. She'd never felt so much pain during that entire process. Even the pain killers couldn't numb her wound through that.

"Thank you. How long has it been?" Evie asked, already taking the top off the Styrofoam bowl that held her carrots. She always asked Hani how much time had elapsed since she'd been in this hellhole. Her goal was not to let that time end up being over three days. She wanted to be out of here much before then.

"21 hours." he said, obviously expecting the question. He took his usual place sitting on the edge of her bed. He watched her take the plastic fork and eat a few of the warmed up carrots. She was used to this. He always liked to quietly observe things. Maybe he was profiling.

It was quiet for at least five minutes as Evie ate. She finished her carrots, bread and a few chicken nuggets before she cleared her throat and looked over at Hani. He raised his eyebrows at her, waiting to see what she had to say. Evie thought about how she would word this.

"Hani... why did you tell them I can get them out of the country?" she asked. Whenever saying they, or them, Hani and Evie were always referring to the others in the gang holding them hostage. Batra was quiet. His eyes flickered to the floor to look down away from her. She hoped he would answer him. Sometimes he wouldn't, and when she'd question him further, he said some things are better unknown.

"If I didn't, they wouldn't have let me keep you alive." he finally said, raising his eyes to meet hers again. She bit her bottom lip nervously. What was he thinking? She couldn't do that! She wasn't even fully on her team yet. She was only an intern!

"Hani... I can't do that. You know I can't." she said, her voice shaking. It was terrifying knowing that the only reason they weren't killing her was because they thought she could do something she couldn't. She couldn't keep that up for long. Eventually someone would realize that she wasn't the federal agent they needed and dispose of her.

"You better not let them know that." he said in a quiet voice, almost a whisper. Fear struck through her body. It was finally hitting her that she may not make it out of this alive. She may never see Spencer again. She may never know the sound of her first child's laugh, or see Spencer's smile the first time he holds him or her. She'd never get in an argument with Spencer over paint colors for a new house, only to make up and kiss a moment later. All of the things she'd never do crossed her mind in one overwhelming jumble.

Evie forced back tears and put on her determined face again, however. If she lost hope now, everything would be lost. If Spencer had lost hope and given up when he had been nearly tortured to death months ago, he would've never made it out alive and into her arms again. She owed him at least that much.

"Tell me about your family." Evie said, hoping to distract herself from the overpowering feeling of lost hope. Batra looked suddenly surprised by this. He raised an eyebrow at her in question. It was apparent that he hadn't talked about his family in a long while. Evie couldn't even imagine being trapped here as long as Hani had. She could barely stand 21 hours.

"Well..." he began, his thick accent ringing through the air. "There is my wife. Her name is Ada; Pure, noble, kind." Hani began, explaining what her name meant as he had done with his own name as well. "I met her at the local library in my town." he continued, a gleam of reminisce in his eye. His facial expression faded off as if he were looking far off into a distant image that only he could see. Evelyn guessed he was probably picturing her face like she did with Spencer. She wondered if it hurt him to think of it too.

"She was reading in the garden. As soon as I saw her among the lilies and the irises, I knew she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life." he said, a smile creeping up on his lips. Evie couldn't help but break into a smile as well. Seeing him smile for the first time and hearing of how he described his wife was enough to make anyone smile. She recognized that it was the first time she had done so for over two days, including her and Spencer's fighting days.

"I have two children. The eldest girl's name is Maya and her younger brother is Chander."

"How old are they?"

"Chander is six and Maya is nine." he said, his smile faltering. Evie frowned and watched him swallow thickly. "Well, she should be ten now." he said quietly. Evie hurt for Hani. She didn't have kids yet, but she imagined it must have been extremely hard to know they were somewhere unknown and their lives were in your hands. He didn't even know if they were alive for sure. And now, to know he missed her tenth birthday while he was trapped with the same people that were keeping her away from her father, Evie couldn't even imagine how hard it was.

"I'm sorry." she said quietly. Hani nodded and looked over at her with a grateful expression before returning his gaze down to the floor. He was quiet, deep in thought mostly likely about his children and his wife. Evie watched him do so, unsure of what to do or say.

"Tell me more." she finally said. And Hani did.

The clock in Spencer's living room was almost nearing five. In about an hour and twenty minutes, it would mark a day since Evie passed away. It seemed like it had only been an hour ago, but at the same time it felt like it'd been an eternity. Spencer hardly kept track of time anyway. He did know that Garcia and Morgan left around one, leaving Spencer to mourn by himself in peace. There really wasn't a such thing as peace, though. Not without Evie.

The rest of the day was spent looking through her things, trying to hang onto every detail. Even looking at a grocery list she had written about two weeks ago, he knew he'd never see more of her handwriting again. He thoroughly examined every curve and every line of the way she moved the pen. She loved something about scripture that he had an appreciation of as well. He always thought it went hand in hand with her deep appreciation of everything art.

He sifted through her hair items, not even able to bear to see the hair still in her hairbrush. He looked through her clothes, remembering each day when she wore each shirt and each skirt and dress. He looked through all of her favorite books, remembering reading them to her at night as they often did, keeping the tradition of the first night she did it for him. He remembered so vividly, that it was if she was standing next to him, her voice ringing clearly through the air and her laugh contagious.

After he had the dream/memory of that one warm day at the park with her, he found her iPod and repeatedly played "Eyes Closed" over and over again. He didn't know if his mind was just running wild without knowing what to do with itself anymore, but every time he closed his eyes, a new memory erupted through his imagination. The fact that they were real memories somehow made it even worse. He knew that he'd had everything so perfect, and he knew he'd lost it. The amount of self hate he had for himself was indescribable.

He wished he was dead instead of her. He deserved to be dead. Reid didn't know what else he was going to do with himself. He'd lost all motivation and care for everything about his life. Sure, he loved his friends and was grateful to have them, but the world seemed so much less full of worth without Evelyn. Food tasted like nothing, colors looked dull, and everything had lost its beauty. There was nothing left for him here. He was broken.

Spencer rubbed his eyes as he sat on the couch in the living room with the drapes thrown open. He'd hoped letting some light into the room would make everything seem less grim, but it didn't much do any help.

His eyes stung against the light. He hadn't slept since he got that one measly hour while Garcia and Morgan were over. He couldn't, though. He just couldn't.

The phone had been ringing nearly every forty five minutes. Spencer didn't even flinch at the shrill ringing whenever it tore through the air. Someone could have broken in and held a gun to him, and he wouldn't have flinched. He just didn't care anymore. JJ was often the one who left messages.

"Spence... I know you're there. Please pick up." She would say. "I'm coming over later. I'll bring you coffee, I know you love your coffee."

She'd say it carefully, as if she thought any word may trigger some horrible response in him.

Morgan and Garcia called twice. Hotch and Rossi called once. Spencer didn't answer any of those times. He'd listen to the voice mail messages if they left them, but other than that, he'd set his phone aside and curl up and try not to cry more than he had already had in the day.

The one productive thing Spencer did do today, was that he ended up showering. Once he'd acknowledged that he had somehow gotten blood on him from the shootout, it freaked him out. What if it was hers? What if he had the last remaining blood she had coursing through her body was on his hands? Spencer couldn't bear the thought and had scrubbed it off as soon as he could as if seeing the blood made the situation seem so much more real. He didn't want it to be real, though. He wanted to reverse time and tell her he loved her and that she was sorry and that he'd never let anyone touch her. He had failed though. He had failed to protect her. There wasn't anyone to blame but himself.

Even when Spencer thought it couldn't get worse, something would trigger even deeper inner pains that he didn't even know were possible to feel. Small, ridiculous things like a measuring cup. Whenever all of the bowls were in the dishwasher, she'd eat her cereal from a measuring cup and he always teased her as she laughed and said there was no other way.

There was the tiny plant that she'd fallen in love with while at a greenhouse a while ago. She'd taken care of it everyday. He didn't know why she was so attached until she told him that her mother used to do that same. He'd watch her water it every morning, laughing as she'd talk to it just for his amusement.

Now it sat there alone. Spencer didn't know if he was falling into hysteria, but he couldn't sworn that it drooped lower than usual. It's leaves looked less vibrant and overall, the plant just looked sad without her. Everything was sad without her.

Spencer now looked over at the pillow beside him on the couch. It was her pillow, the one that still smelled like her hair. He hesitantly reached a shaky arm over to scoop it up. Burying his face into the fabric he bit the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from crying. It didn't help the single tear that managed to escape down his cheek though. Inhaling deeply, he took in the familiar scent of her shampoo. It seemed like every time he breathed it in, the scent became less and less strong. Soon, it'd fade just like his memories of her. He wouldn't let her fade from his life though, he couldn't.

Reid had been shaking all day, but suddenly he realized this was becoming different. They were violent tremors as shivers encased his body. He reached up to feel that his hair line was damp with sweat and his reflexes had been becoming much more jumpy and jittery. It was a strange an unpleasant experience, but not an unfamiliar one. Spencer knew exactly what was happening.

His eyes flickered over to the floorboard that only he knew about. Underneath sat the Dilaudid that he'd been hiding for a while now. He'd never gotten rid of it because something always compelled him not to. After a while, he had forgotten it was there anyway. When it had crossed his mind yesterday, he'd quickly dismissed the thought. But upon thinking about it more, thinking of the way it helped you not feel, the way it helped you let go of all terrible feelings, he didn't think it sounded like such a bad idea after all. What was he ruining anyway? He had no life left.

And now, after one use after seven years or so, he was going through withdrawal. The craving for more relief from the hell he was living was becoming more and more unbearable by the second. Spencer pulled his eyebrows together and thought about it. If it was the only thing that would dim the pain that he was suffering, then there was no question about it. His body felt as if it wouldn't survive without another injection. He knew very well that he could in fact survive without it, but he didn't care. The same "alternative personality" as Spencer had always called it in his mind was returning.

This personality consisted of the deep and blinding need for the drug, unable to let any other thought through his mind. When in this persona, he didn't care about the consequences it brought. He was reckless, and unforgiving to himself and others. Needless to say, it was the opposite of the person Spencer usually was. That's what drugs did though. They take apart your life, but Spencer didn't think his could be torn up any worse than it already was.

With this in mind. Spencer slid of the couch and knelt before the wiggly floor board. Reaching forward and seeing the violent shake of his hand out of the corner of his eye, he lifted the piece of wood and scooped up the bottles of clear liquid. Setting them on the floor, Reid encased the cool glass of the syringe in the palm of his hand and pulled it out, examining the needle. Eyeing the belt that he'd thrown aside earlier, between the bookcase and the wall, Spencer took the leather in his hand and struggled to get it around his bicep, fastening it tight. He looked at his arm, making sure he could find a visible vein. Satisfied, Spencer sat back on his heels.

With a deep breath, he took the supplies in hand and stood up, slowly making his way to the sink in his kitchen. He ran the needle under the water and took the antiseptic out of the cupboard under the sink, dousing the needle first.

Memories from when he performed this same ritual night after night eight years ago returned to his mind. It used to get so bad that one day he couldn't go to work because of how high he'd gotten. And he thought those times were hard...

Spencer took a napkin and folded it up into a small corner that he poured the antiseptic on. The liquid soaked through so that he felt it cool against his skin. Still shaking, he raised the dampened napkin to his arm where he vein was visible and gently rubbed the antiseptic onto his skin. He set the cloth back down on the counter and closed his eyes. Was he really going to do this again? What would Evie think?

Trying to ignore his last question, Spencer took the syringe in his hand and uncapped the vile with the clear Dilaudid liquid inside. He loaded the syringe the suitable amount after figuring out the safe amount he could take in his head. Securing the syringe with the drug inside, Spencer braced his hands to grip the counter edge. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Without giving himself to over think it, Spencer raised the needle to his arm and punctured his skin above the vein. Reid tensed at the small pinch in his arm and braced his thumb on the plunger top, pushing it forward and releasing the drug into his system.

A relieving feeling flooded through his body. For a moment, Spencer forgot what had happened. He'd forgotten the pain he had been trying to endure. He'd even forgotten who he was. His eyes fluttered and rolled back into his head. Spencer fell to his knees and gently fell back against the bottom cupboards of his kitchen. The feeling of the Dilaudid completely took over, his endorphins at work for the first time in a day. The world faded to him, and so did his deepest troubles.

"Maybe I will!" he yelled back, slamming the door behind him. Spencer was left alone in a surreal hallway he recognized to be outside his apartment door. Something about this moment while fighting with Evie gave him a major case of Deja Vu. He felt like he's been in this position before; outside the door after he slammed it shut, one last terrible comment he made ringing through the air.

Suddenly he realized the gravity of what he'd said. He wouldn't leave her. Never in a million years could he leave her. Spencer was set on the idea that she was the one, and nothing on Earth could change that.

Wanting to try and redeem himself, Spencer turned to the closed face of the door and held the cool door knob in the palm of his hand. The sensation was strange. It was almost if he wasn't controlling his body, but watching from the outside. It was like someone was controlling him as a puppet.

Slowly, Spencer pushed the door open just a bit to reveal a sliver of his living room. He saw the side of the couch, the window on the other wall, and the edge of the counter from the kitchen. He pressed his face into the space between the door and the wall. Opening it a bit further, Reid began to hear something beyond the threshold. It sounded like... sniffling.

Spence opened the door all the way to see the small mass that was Evie, sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest on the floor. Her elbows rested on her knees and her face was buried into her hands. Even from across the room, Spencer could tell her shoulders were shaking with quiet sobs.

"No..." he whimpered. He hadn't meant this to happen. He never meant this to happen. The day he made Evie cry was the day he hated himself. An overwhelming feeling of guilt and regret set heavily in. He tried to walk forward, but his legs weren't working. Spencer began to panic, his breathing picking up.

"Evie!" he called to her, but his voice sounded as if it made it one foot ahead of him and then was sucked up to sound like nothing. "Evie!" he tried again, wanting nothing more than to just hold her and tell her that he was sorry and he loved her.

Before he could move, the scene changed before his eyes. Instead of standing in the hallway outside his apartment, he was outside somewhere. It was nothing but blurry shapes and colors at first, but within seconds, a familiar setting was laid out in front of Spence.

He was standing in an alleyway in Boston. He didn't know why he knew this, but he was 100% sure that that's where he was. And for some unknown reason, he knew it wasn't a place with pleasantly associated memories.

Confirming Reid's thought, a single shot range through the air with a loud BANG! Spencer's body went cold. In front of him appeared Evie, out of no where. All at once, she collapsed onto the ground, seeming to go in slow motion. Everything was moving so much slower than usual, and everything seemed so much more blurry and outlandish. Spencer hardly noticed though. He was only focused on Evie.

"No!" he screamed, running to drop to his knees by her side. She had a bulletproof vest on, but even those had soft and uncovered spots. Right at Evie's side where the material was thin to connect the front and back of the vest, there was a thick mass of blood. It was spreading over the material fast, some of it pooling on the ground beside her still body.

"Evie..." he said, slipping an arm under her upper back to lift her gently to lie in his lap. Her eyes were only half open and small gasps were escaping her lips. Spencer knew she didn't have long. "Help! Please..." he shouted to the nothingness around them. About fifty feet around them was the small area of the alleyway, but beyond that, there was a while blinding light that extended into oblivion. At the time, this didn't even seem strange to Spencer.

"Why- why-" she tried to stutter, her voice raspy and weak. Spencer took a shaky hand and brushed a lock of hair from her face.

"Shhh... Don't use your energy. You're going to be okay." he assured her, hoping to convince himself as well. Evie kept persisting though, obviously feeling the strong need to get her point out.

"Why don't you love me?" she asked. The question hit Spencer like a ton of bricks. Was this because they were fighting? Was it because he'd said something he had no intentions of meaning? Either way, it broke his heart, inside and out.

"What? Evie, I lo-"

"You promised, Spencer. You- you promised you wouldn't leave me." she said, a tear falling down her cheek and sliding off of her face. Her eyes were glazed with tears, her gleaming gray orbs looking even shinier. Her entire body was shaking and her breathing was getting more shallow and labored. He didn't know how much time she had left.

"Evie-" he tried to protest. He tried to tell her he'd never leave as long as she still wanted him. Evelyn wouldn't let him finish, however.

"What did I do wrong?" she asked, her voice becoming strained as if she was trying hard to hold back tears while trying to endure the pain of her wound at the same time. Spencer shook his head back and forth quickly. No, no... She couldn't think that. He couldn't have made her think that.

"Nothing, Evs..."

But Evie didn't listen. He wasn't even sure she heard him. It seemed she was slipping into a state of frantic being. She was upset and it was his fault. She was hurt, both internally and externally; that was his fault too. He'd messed everything up. He was losing her.

"Why do you hate me?" she asked, shaking with sobs now. Spencer held her close and kissed her forehead, leaving his lips to rest against her skin.

"No! No, I don't!"

Suddenly Evie went eerily still. Spencer's eyes went wide. No... No, no, no.

But unexpectedly, she spoke one last time. Her voice was no longer frantic. It no longer sounded scared. It was a whisper. It was a whisper filled with confusion and hurt that tore through his insides, sending pains of fear, guilt, and remorse through him at every inch of his being.

"Why did you let me die?"

Spencer jerked awake with sweat collecting on his forehead, chest, and back. His chest heaved up and down dramatically, Reid unable to control his breaths. He didn't know where he was at first, but soon recognized his kitchen. He lied on his back on the hardwood floor, the floor cabinets surrounding him. The fridge towered above him behind his head and the sink was by his feet. Spencer was alone, shaking violently and internally terrified and wishing it to all go away.

It was his fault. It was his fault she died. He realized what had happened was only a vision created by the Dilaudid, but in a way, it was spot on. She'd died, but died in vain and it was because of him. He promised her to always be there, to never leave. Now, she died believing he hated her and was a monster. Maybe he was.

Spencer pushed himself up, tears escaping through frantic breaths. He couldn't stop. His chest was still heaving in and out with desperate sobs. This was it. He couldn't go on anymore.

Reid hurriedly pushed himself up, stumbling to his feet. His surroundings still seemed as if in a dream, but he knew this was all too real. Staggering to his bedroom, Spencer made his way to his desk. Trying to go as fast as possible, Spencer aimlessly tore through the drawers of his desk, throwing things he didn't need aside until he found what he was looking for. Stationary, and envelope and a pen, because his friends and family at least had the right to a goodbye.

Spencer scrawled the pen against the paper furiously, his handwriting all over the place but just legible enough to read. The first one, he labeled to his team.

Rossi, Hotch, Morgan, Garcia, and JJ,

I'm so so sorry.

He instantly started out. Spencer went on to say everything he'd need to say to his best friends if it was the last thing he'd ever say to them. And it was. Tears gathered in his eyes, hearing his own words in his head as he wrote, but he blinked them away. It'd all be over soon. All the suffering would end and he'd be where he deserved to be.

Mom,

The next one started.

Henry,

He wrote for the last.

It only took about five minutes to scrawl out each letter, jamming them into envelopes and addressing them to the correct people on the outside. The thoughts running through his mind all at once was blinding. The only thing that kept him from going completely insane from drowning in his own mind was that'd soon it'd be quiet. Soon there'd be nothing. Spence didn't even realize that what was happening was him going nearly completely crazy.

Placing the envelopes on top of each other on the desk, Spencer turned and stumbled back into the kitchen, his last high wearing off. He went back to the counter where the syringe and bottles of Dilaudid sat waiting, mocking him as if they knew his intentions. Reid bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes, his body jerking with one last attempt to hold back a sob.

Taking the syringe in hand, he slid one of the Dilaudid bottles into the drawer and held the other one in his hand. Uncapping the small container, he filled the barrel to the top, far past what he knew his body could handle. That was okay though.

Spencer took fast shallow breaths, much like the vision version of Evie had done while dying in his arms. The thought of that image pushed him to go even faster. His mind kept telling him it was the only way. He told himself it was right. He told himself he deserved it and it was meant to happen. It should have been him in the first place anyway. He shouldn't get to live while she was dead. He couldn't live while she was dead. He didn't care if he spent the rest of eternity in hell, he'd take what was justified for him.

Reid tightened the belt around his arm one more notch to make sure he could find the vein in his bicep without problems. Once he knew that he wouldn't miss it, he took the cool glass of the syringe in hand and braced his thumb on the plunger top once more. Positioning the needle above the vein in his arm, Spencer hesitated for just a moment.

This was it. He'd always imagined that if he'd die young, it would be in the field. If he ever got the chance to grow old, it'd be from a cardiovascular disease. He'd never of thought he'd end up here, being his own cause of death. He never thought he'd lose everything, though. And he never thought it'd be his fault. He'd messed up bad, and this was his price to pay.

"I'm so, so sorry Evs." he whispered. He wondered if she was watching from heaven, looking down and begging him not to. He felt awful, but she'd understand. She'd understand that this was for the best for everyone. There was no reason to live anymore. Not without her. Every day would be a living hell. The guilt had eaten him alive.

With these thoughts embedded into his mind, Spencer stuck his arm with the needle and shoved the plunger forward, forcing the drug inside of him. Instantly, things felt different from a normal high. The strength of it was blinding, his entire body going numb. Reid felt himself falling towards the kitchen floor that seemed to be miles and miles away. Before he could feel the impact, he felt his body convulse in a strange way and all thoughts were lost, and his world went black.

A/N: You guys are amazing. I post a chapter and ten minutes later there are tons of amazing reviews. I couldn't be more grateful for all the support. Thank you!