JJ sat with her elbows resting on her thighs and her head buried in her hands. She had calmed down a bit since Hotch and her had found Spencer writhing on the floor from an overdose and after she had held him in her arms when he'd died for a little over a minute. The images never left her, but her main concern was what to do with him next. She was the only one who knew he had done it on purpose, and she wanted to keep it that way and leave it up to Spencer to see if he wanted to reveal it to anyone else. The weight of knowing he had actually tried to commit suicide was figuratively the heaviest burden she's had to bear since her PTSD after she was captured and tortured. Knowing that Spencer was being internally tortured was pain for her in itself.
The rest of the team sat in the seats against the wall next to her. They were all in the waiting room of the hospital where they had taken Spence. Everyone from the team had come as quickly as they could. JJ had Hotch call them instead of herself. She couldn't lie while knowing what had actually happened.
"He- He didn't do it on purpose... did he?" Morgan's deep voice spoke up, breaking the unbearable silence that resonated between the team members. JJ felt everyone's heads lift to look at Morgan. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw them all exchanging glances, but not Jayge. She kept her head down and her eyes cast to the floor. She was worried someone would bring up that question. She knew it would've been brought up eventually, it was just a matter of time. It was the big question that everyone had to be wondering.
Hoping someone else would speak up, Rossi answered Jennifer's prayers.
"Spencer's smarter than that." Rossi said. JJ cringed. He was smart. He was brilliant. But he couldn't avoid this. Something about Rossi's voice told JJ that he wasn't too sure with the answer he gave.
"Isn't he?" Morgan spoke up. His head turned and JJ could see his dark eyes gazing upon her out of her peripheral vision. She pretended like she didn't notice and kept her eyes strictly down, her body not moving a muscle as if she was still enough, they'd eventually go away.
The silence and awkwardness of all the team looking over to JJ was starting to get to the point of torture. Luckily, she was gloriously saved by the nurse that stepped out from the swinging double doors on the other side of the stark white walls.
"Dr. Spencer Reid?" she called out, looking for his family. The team straightened in their seats, eager for news about their figurative baby brother.
"Here." Hotch spoke up, leading the team even when not at work. Once again, JJ recognized how she was grateful for this. She certainly didn't have the mindset to think straight. She was glad Hotch was always able to keep it together.
"He's going to be alright. We took the drugs from his system and his blood is circulating healthily now. We're allowing one family member to go and see him." the nurse said. The team froze for a moment, still processing the woman's words. It was Morgan who moved first, shifting in his seat to look back at JJ. This time it wasn't a questioning gaze, it was a comforting one.
"JJ?" he offered, gesturing towards the double door. JJ looked from him to the other team member's faces. They all gave her a small smile or a short nod to tell her that they'd agreed for her to go in. She nodded and rose out of her seat, joining the nurse at her side.
"Follow me, sweetie." the nurse said, leading JJ through the doors and into a hallways of doors on each side. Jennifer realized she was much to familiar with the scene of hospitals. She'd been there so often between team members being hurt, herself being hurt, Will being hurt. The only pleasant memory she could associate was giving birth to Henry, but just that memory alone cancelled out all of the bad ones. The thought of her son made her feel better. It always did.
Spencer was in the last door on the right before the hallway forked off in two different direction. The nurse pushed the door open for JJ and let her through, giving her a solemn smile. JJ thanked the woman and entered the room, her heart sinking a bit as she saw the way he looked so lifeless on his hospital bed. It reminded her of when he'd been put in the same position after the team had been kidnapped a few months back.
"Spence..." she whispered, pulling up a chair next to his bed. He remained motionless, his face white and his body looking even skinnier than usual. He had an IV needle stuck in him arm connected to a thin tube. His chest rose and fell, but just barely.
Hesitantly reaching over, JJ ran her hand gently through his hair, brushing it away from the top of his forehead. She bit her lip and looked up at the ceiling, trying hard to keep the tears that were gathering in her eyes from sliding down her face. She took a deep breath and tried to think clearly of what she wanted to do with him next. She couldn't allow him to stay in his home alone anymore. Would she have to send him away to a temporary unit to treat his depression? Even so, it wouldn't be a smooth ride in getting him on board with that.
Looking back at Spencer, JJ put a hand on his shoulder. She'd do whatever it took to help him.
"I told you, I can't!" Evie yelled, her voice ringing off of the small walls of the cement and wooden room that she had been confined to for who knew how long. Hani was calmly sitting on his spot at the edge of her bed, staring blankly back at her like he didn't understand. She knew he did, but he had just given up hope while Evie still was determined to break away and resume living her life that she loved every second of. Now she was stuck here and she didn't know if she'd ever get back.
"You simply have no choice." Batra explained in a calm voice, his hands folded in his lap. The way he was able to appear so serene was driving her to an even angrier point. "I'm truly sorry." he added. Evie knew he was telling the truth, but she didn't want the truth. She wanted to find a way out as quick as possible.
"I'm getting out of here, one way or another." she muttered with a tense tone in her voice. She gasped at the pain in her abdomen when she sat up, sensing the first sign of any emotion in Hani: fear. He only lost his peace when she compromised her wound. It seemed that's all he cared about.
"Once again, I highly recommend that you don't..."
"Get up, I know. I can't just lie here and do nothing."
"But you must."
"But I won't." Evie countered. Hani sighed beside her as she swung her legs over the side of the bed, feeling pain course through her body, going up her spine and even spreading to her head.
"What is your plan then?" Batra asked. Evelyn swore she could hear an irritated tinge in his voice, this time. "Go out there, get shot, die outside this door? Or suppose you miraculously make it out of this facility. Get out, run a few steps, only to get shot there too? I'm telling you, there is no way out. I don't want to see you get hurt."
"You really don't want to do whatever it takes to get back to your family?" Evie asked, gripping the bed as the pain killers Hani had given her not too long ago, diminished most of the ache.
"Of course I do. But I will not do it blindly, out of rash decisions." he said. Evie sighed and leaned back on the wall, running her hand through her hair and taking out few of the many tangles. The only sound for a while, was her breathing as she rested her chin on her chest and watched the bandages wrapped tightly around her stomach, rise and fall with her breathing.
"I can't be transported out of the US." she stated quietly. It was something she had already said numerous times, but she felt as if she kept saying it, the statement would give her some kind of renewed awakening to kick her body in gear to get going with a plan of escape. Maybe Hani was right though. Maybe there was no way.
"Not all hope is lost, Chiku." Batra said, putting a big hand on Evie's shoulder gently. He often called her Chiku, later explaining how he used to call his daughter that and how it was a pet name often used with his culture. If she remembered correctly, it was some type of sweet fruit...
Evie sniffled and blinked away tears, biting her lip. She had been trying to refuse to cry, knowing that if she allowed herself to allow the tears flow, they wouldn't stop and her spirits would break for good. Maybe she was just pretending to be determined. Maybe she was trying to fool herself into thinking there was hope. Maybe it was a way to make everything seem like it would be okay when in reality...
"You are young. You have your entire life ahead of you. I promise you, one way or another, you'll live it freely." Hani said. Evie looked at him, her blue irises again her red eyes looking into his dark brown ones. She tried to tell if he actually believed the words he spoke, but her judgement was clouded by her emotions.
"I hope you're right."
The bright white florescent lights above flashed through Spencer's mind as his eyes fluttered open and then closed again. He squeezed them shut against the harsh light, submerging himself in darkness once again. All at once, a million of confused thoughts and questions ran like chaos through his head.
Where was Evie? Where was he the last time he was awake? What had happened?
Within a few seconds, the scene of the worst moment of his life came back to him. The alleyway, the shooting, Evie dying. She was dead. The realization returned and the same constricting feeling that was all too familiar returned to his chest, feeling as if he was trapped in a dark tangle of grief and regret but having a gaping hole inside at the same time.
Opening his eyes again and squinting against the light, Spencer recognized the room he was in just by the ceiling. There were rectangular fluorescent lights against a pale white painted ceiling, and a small silver head of the indoor sprinklers that were often installed in facilities to automatically release a rain of water when there was a fire. He had stared up at a similar ceiling for weeks at a time not too long ago. It didn't take much for Reid to know he was in the hospital.
With this information, everything came back as Spence closed his eyes against the light once more. The endless night, the crying, the Dilaudid, the overdose... He even remembered small bits of moments where he could've sworn he heard a girl screaming. Maybe it was just in his head or the abundance of the drugs running through his veins was making him hallucinate, but either way, this meant that he hadn't died like he had intended to. Someone must have found him. Spencer glumly let his body go completely limp as he couldn't help but feel disappointed. Now everyone would know: his family, his friends, his team. They'd all know that he attempted and he had to live with that fact. And he'd have to live without Evie. There was no way he was going to be trusted to be able to go home now.
Spencer tested other parts of his body. He moved fine. His hand was able to lightly grip the stiff, thin sheets between his fingers, both of his legs could move, and he was able to lick his lips that felt almost as dry as his throat that was so scratchy it was almost burning.
Deciding to give the notion of opening his eyes one more go, Spencer cringed back and let himself adjust to the light, blinking a few times before he got used to it. His eyes flickered around the room and took in all of the hospital-like surroundings. All hospitals looked fairly similar. This room wasn't much different from his last aside from the face that the bathroom and door to the hallway was in a different place and it was significantly smaller. Not to mention, this one was definitely not two hours away from DC as the other one had been.
The one thing that did catch his eye was JJ. She was sitting in a chair pulled up next to his bed with her arm resting on the bedside table and her head resting on her arm. The way her shoulders and stomach were rising and falling in time with her breathing at a slower pace than usual made Spencer believe that she was sleeping. Good. He didn't want to confront this yet. Guilt coursed through him just seeing her sit there by his bedside, probably worried sick that she almost lost two friends and both were his fault. He had never felt so selfish, and yet he still wished he had succeeded.
For a while, Spencer straightened out to face the ceiling again and closed his eyes. His chest felt like an elephant had been jumping up and down on it, over and over and over again. Whenever he took in a breath, it hurt, but it wasn't unbearable. His stomach still felt like there was a knife twisting around in it from the hunger, but he didn't want to eat. He wasn't hungry. Mostly, he was just exhausted.
Resuming his position on his back while looking up at the ceiling, Spencer began to close his eyes again. He wanted to do other things like roll over and let depression consume him for losing Evie or at least letting JJ know he was okay, but sleep seemed to be taking over all options. His eyes were getting droopy and the sounds of a voice over the PA in the hallways and doctors bustling around outside were fading more and more...
"Spencer?" he heard, interrupting his drifting off. Reid blinked and tried to force himself awake so he could turn his head and look at JJ. He knew he probably looked like hell. He could physically feel the solemn look he had permanently painted across his face. He could almost feel that his skin was paler and his eyes with deep dark circled underneath.
Before Reid could even answer back, JJ wrapped her arms around his neck. He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, trying to think of everything but the situation he was in now, but it was impossible. The horror he felt while watching Evie fall, the hopelessness and guilt he felt with her gone, the will to leave the world at all costs, it was always there at the back of his mind. It was consuming him, and there was nothing he could do about it.
Did she know? Did JJ know that he attempted? He didn't know how they'd distinguish between accidentally overdosing and attempting to end his own life. With recent events, it would be easy to assume that his judgement on how much of the drug he could take was clouded, but something told him that the way she was acting, she knew.
It was then when Spencer noticed the slight shake in her shoulders, her shuddering breaths, and her quiet sniffles. She was crying, and it was the last thing he wanted after everything else; to pull people down with him. If there was one thing left to live for it would be his friend's happiness, and yet here he was, burdening more of his family. The self loathing that Spence had for himself was overbearing. Somewhere inside of himself, he knew he was being ridiculously hard on himself, but he didn't care. His mind told him he deserved it, and his mind was hardly ever wrong. He couldn't see that this time, it was.
"Spence..." JJ began to say while releasing him from her grip and leaning back to take his hand. He could see the tears that streaked down her face as they glimmered in the artificial light. Jayge hurriedly wiped them away with her free hand and took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling with red eyes. Spencer knew she did that whenever she was trying not to cry.
"Why are you crying?" he asked in a quieter voice than he was expecting to come out. It was an obvious question with most likely an obvious answer, but he asked it anyway to test his voice.
"Spence," she repeated, her blue eyes looking directly into his. They looked so scared, it sent chills through his body. How had they gotten here so fast? "I need you to tell me yourself."
Spencer acted dumb, just in case. He knew though. He knew that she had found out.
"What..." he mumbled shyly, still hoping that maybe by some chance she didn't.
"Did you try to hurt yourself?"
Spencer bowed his head down and looked at the end of his bed. Hurt yourself... he always knew it was term that people used because it made it easier to say than kill. Kill was such a strong word. But now, knowing how it felt to be on the other end, it annoyed him. He didn't try to hurt himself, he tried to kill himself. A wave of irritability rushed through him, but Spencer instantly diminished it. He couldn't keep getting angry every time someone was trying to help or care about him.
Instead, Spence froze. He just listened the thousands of thoughts running through his mind, most of which having to do with how he just wanted to be in Evie's arms. Was she watching him? What would she think?
I'm sorry... he thought, hoping she could somehow hear him. I'm so so sorry.
With this thought in mind, Spencer felt the tears creeping up on him. He was tired of crying, though. He was tired of just curling up and letting grief consume him, but he didn't want anything else. He didn't want to get better or to move on, or adapt. He just wanted to miss her, so that's exactly what he'd do. He'd wallow in grief to the end of time and then... well he didn't know what.
Spencer jerked with a failed attempt to suppress a sob. He bit his lip and took a shaky breath, feeling his eyes blur with tears.
"Oh... Spence..." JJ whispered, moving to sit on the edge of his bed and run one hand through his messed hair and squeeze his hand tighter with the other. He took shuddering breaths and closed his eyes, trying to regain himself.
"Please, please, please..." he begged her, opening his eyes to stare at her pleadingly. She looked crest fallen, watching him. He knew he could always get JJ do whatever he wanted. She had always taken him under her wing and he did the same in return. Spence would never take advantage of her kindness like that... except for this moment.
"You can't lock me up in some mental facility. I don't want to go." he rushed his words at a million miles a minute. He held one JJ's wrist tightly with the hand she wasn't holding, trying to make her understand. He wanted to go home. If he couldn't have Evie, then he at least wanted to have freedom to mourn on his own without being locked in a room of white with doctor's talking to him like he was a deranged five year old, monitoring him at every term so that he didn't kill himself.
"Spencer, I-"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll have nothing left, Jayge."
"But-"
"Please."
"Sp-"
"Please."
JJ stopped trying to argue and sighed. She looked away from Spencer, as if she was considering her options. He held his breath and watched her, trying to give her some space to think. If it was anyone's decision besides himself about what to do, it would be JJ's. He always told her that if ever his judgement was clouded, she would make the decisions. Even if he didn't trust her with that, she'd be able to get him into a facility one way or another. She was the closest thing to family who was still sane.
JJ mumbled something inaudible.
"What?"
"Okay." she said a little bit louder, but gently. She turned to look at him, her eyes looking like she was about to regret this. "But I am not letting you go home, Spence."
Reid was quiet. He thought of home. His and Evie's home. Every single memory, every detail, every kiss and hug and conversation there... sometimes he hated his eidetic memory. He brushed them away to the back of his mind as far as he could though, and waited for JJ to explain her plan.
"What about you come stay with me for a while?"
"And just be a burden for you? No, JJ-"
"Spencer, I want nothing less." she said, looking at him in all seriousness. Living at JJ's in a state like this? He admitted to himself that he would love being surrounded by his second family, but like this?
"What about Henry?" he asked quietly. "He can't see me like this, Jayge."
"Henry will be ecstatic, Spence. He adores you."
Spencer felt the corners of his mouth turn upwards ever so slightly. It was more of a sad smile, but just the thought of Henry made him feel a bit better. He adored that kid too.
"Fine." Spencer gave in, the smile falling from his face as the grief returned. It felt like a constant weight that would never lift. He wasn't ever getting anywhere. It was almost like he was trapped underwater in a sea of nothing but guilt, regret, and longing for something he couldn't have.
"I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this." JJ whispered. Spencer sighed and leaned his head into her hand that was still smoothing down his unruly hair. He didn't say anything back, but he wanted to tell her that she was wrong. He did deserve this. It was Evie who didn't. He knew this was the end for him. He'd never be the same without her. The light was gone in everything. The color was gone. The beauty was gone. His life was gone, and Spencer thought he'd never get it back again.
A/N: Sorry this chapter didn't have a lot in it, I just wanted to get one up soon!
***SPOILER ALERT***
Did anyone see the latest episode? So excited for Spencer to get another godchild! Yay for JJ