Chapter 24. Connor: They Don't Care About Us
The night was blinding in its darkness. Did that make sense? I suppose it seemed that way to me; the bright, glaring lights that shine from the cabins and the Dining Pavilion hurt my eyes when I glanced their way. I turned back to the shadows. The uncaring light of the stars and dancing light of the moon rained down on the little hollow where I stood, unmoving, barely breathing.
I couldn't think, couldn't feel. I could only replay, over and over, Jenna's voice in my head as with a few spiteful words she brought back the memory of that one night that had haunted me for years and years, and in high definition too. I never thought anyone knew. All along I had thought that it was going to be a secret I took to the grave.
There were moments, weak moments, when I faltered and almost told Travis the truth. But I had always stopped myself. It would devastate my brother. He had already lost our mother, right when we needed her the most. I don't think he would be able to deal with the fact that his own brother had been the one that killed her.
Yes, I thought, leaning my head back and glaring angrily at the stars. Their cold mood suited me perfectly. I had killed her, I had killed my mother. I didn't exactly take the knife and plunge it into her heart but what I had done wasn't all that different. My heart thudded furiously, thrills shooting up my back and arms as I gritted my teeth. I hated myself. I hate the fact that I had been so stupid, so damn worthless. I couldn't even protect my own mother and I was training to be a hero! Ha, what a joke. What a stupid, pathetic, worthless joke.
Whirling around, I drove my fist into the trunk of the nearest tree. The bark splintered beneath my knuckles. It felt good. I did it again and again, pummeling out all the fury, all the hate, all the anger , all the grief in me. I yelled at the tree too. Shouting curses at myself, my voice hoarse, like there was gravel stuck in my throat. Every time I stopped I'd think of that night again, how the monster's claws had flashed, how I had shot out of the way, how I had turned to see my mother crouching behind me, her eyes wide as she took the blow meant for me.
"Stupid!" I yelled hitting the tree again. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I enunciated each word with a blow, still lost in the ocean of memories. I thought of how my mother's eyes had been wide with surprise. Her mouth was still open, she had been trying to warn me. The monster had been stunned; I was too quick and it wasn't expecting another victim. Monsters usually never touched mortals anyway.
But this one, this creature, this monster, this abomination … it was different. It looked down at the rapidly cooling body of my mother and grinned. I swear its scaly lips stretched and it smiled. It freaking smiled. I was yelling something incomprehensible, calling her name over and over again. I charged and the monster laughed. I was nothing to it.
With a mere flick of its velvet padded paw it swatted me aside. I hit the wall hard, my ribs cracking. I remember thinking that it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. My mother was dead. I shouldn't be alive. The sun shouldn't shine. The moon shouldn't rise. Nothing should happen. I lay there for I don't know how long, feeling my blood pour out of me, soaking my shirt and the floor. I was happy. I couldn't wait really, to close my eyes ad never open them again.
Unfortunately, the monster wanted to take its time getting to the delicious half-blood meat that I was. So it had an appetizer first: my mother. Unfortunately, that had probably saved my life. I lay slumped against the wall, watching the silhouette of the monster devour her. That was when my brother burst in with another half blood and a satyr.
They were undercover campers who had befriended him. Travis had gone out to hang with them for the day, they had told him the truth about our parentage, about who they were, about the monster they suspected was tracking us. Then, Travis remembered me. He knew, instinctively, that something had happened and they came the fastest they could. But their fastest was still too slow. My mother was gone, only two murderers were left. Nothing worth saving.
"Leave me," I told Travis as he pulled me up. He ignored me, focusing instead on my blood-soaked body. He went on ignoring me as I rambled about how I was a murderer, how they should have left me for dead. My ribs healed but my mind didn't. I was plagued by nightmares for weeks. Every day, every night, every single millisecond, I saw the monster.
I saw him coming for me every day, saw his claws rip out my mother's heart. Watched his sardonic smile, watched him devour my mother, piece by piece, savoring her taste. I couldn't forget. I wouldn't forget. It was my punishment and I relished it. I deserved the eternal Hades I was in, imprisoned in my own memories, unable to see out of the cocoon of my own terror.
When I finally snapped out of it, Travis had been overjoyed. He had been grieving, I knew. He had accepted that she was gone. But he missed her too, I saw that every day, in the way he would make sure to arrange our food exactly like she did, made our beds exactly like she used too, use the same phrases she used to throw at us whenever we tried to be funny.
It was painful, seeing Travis take on my mother's role. Me? I was her murderer. I didn't tell Travis that the visions had drawn back during the day but came back in full force during the night.
I slumped down to the base of the tree, letting my head hit its damaged trunk with a thud. Years passed and I managed to block it put, the pain, the visions, the bile rising up in my throat when I thought of what I had done, what I should have done. Most of all, the pure hatred that filled me every time I thought of that night. I had thrown myself into living in the now. I stole, robbed, pranked and trained. I flinched away at any mentioned of the past and lived alike there wasn't a tomorrow. But Jenna changed all that. With one sentence.
I groaned hitting my head repeatedly against the trunk of the tree. Pain racked my body, phantom pain I had hid for years and years. Stupid Jenna. Why did she have to remind me? How had she known? Was she even human anymore?
"Connor?" A voice jolted me out of my reverie. I lifted my head up and scrambled to my feet. I looked around, I couldn't see anyone. If it was Jenna again, I was going to kill her. I swear I will – "Connor, what happened to you?" The air beside me rippled and Annabeth appeared, her Yankees cap in hand.
She stared at me, her luminous eyes taking me in from top to bottom. I glanced down at myself. In the light of the moon I saw that I was covered in blood, chips of tree barks and leaves. In other words, I was a mess. Well, that was comforting.
"Nothing," I snapped. Annabeth stepped back, her eyes never leaving my face. Her jaw was tight, and I recognized her expression. She was surprised, yes, but she also had that same look on her face, like she was breaking me down to pieces and was trying to figure out why was I defective. I turned away, struggling to hide what I was feeling. When I turned to face her again, I was all smiles.
"Sorry, Annabeth," I grinned. I knew what I looked maniacal, with the trademark Hermes smile but right now I couldn't really care less. Annabeth didn't look convinced. Damn daughter of Athena, why did she have to be so freaking analytical of everything.
"Chiron's looking for you." She told me. Her voice was a little icy. I remembered what had happened. I had been stupid again. Jenna had manipulated me and I almost murdered someone else. Percy was dead. Perseus Jackson. Dead. Like my mother. Like Luke. I looked at Annabeth, pity washing through me.
"Annabeth …" I trailed off. What was I going to say? I'm sorry? My condolences? "I … I understand." My ADHD mouth blurted the word out without a second thought. For a moment, I feared that out of everything I could have said, it was the worse. Annabeth looked at me, her gray eyes unreadable for a second, then her expression softened.
"I know you do, Connor," she said softly, almost a whisper. "I know." Then, so fast I almost missed it, she put on her cap and vanished. I was alone again. I stared out at the sea. The moon lit a path on the dark, churning water. It had been a night like this when Alva told me her secret. I wish I could tell her mine now.
What would she say?, I wondered. I knew that her hair would be the darkest shade of black and her eyes would shine like the stars do; cold, bright, vibrant. She would trace her scar as she silently listened to me, occasionally worrying her lip. There would be a little frown between her eyebrows. But what would she say?
Would she look at me, repulsed? Or would she understand? Would she run, sickened by the very sight of me? Or would she stay? If she ran, it wouldn't be the first time. I remembered her face as she pushed me away and disappeared. I remembered how silky her skin had felt beneath my fingertips, smoother than rose petals. I stared up to the sky and conjured up her features again. I missed her already, as crazy as that sounded. Camp felt empty now without Alva.
I got up and walked back to the cabins. It was probably better now that she would never want to see me again. I wouldn't want her to be near a murderer, a monster. She deserved better than that. Much better.
Raiding the camp store was getting boring. There was nothing new anymore; I had all of this things in my stash. I threw aside a few T-shirts, a little action figure of Chiron and several other pathetic merchandise. I don't know who the hell stocked the store but they sure had a twisted sense of humor. Heck, I don't even know who was in charge of this place. Campers just walked in and out, taking what they want and leaving drachmas on the counter. The freaky thing was when the drachmas disappear. Campers try to visit too often. That is, unless you're from Hermes. Then we visit whenever we were bored.
I tossed aside yet another figurine. I think it was a hippocampi. If the hippocampi had been melted, frozen, boiled and burned all at once. Sighing disgustedly, I slipped back out again. I didn't have anything to do. No one was in the mood to be pranked, they were all too depressed. There wasn't anything left to raid around here either. I was pretty much bored out of my mind. Of course, I could actually follow the camp schedule but that would mean following the rules which I wasn't in the mood for.
I walked across the clearing, heading for the cabin. It was almost lunch time and I might as well stash myself somewhere before I was caught. I had been too preoccupied with my bag too notice someone standing in front of me until I crashed right into them. The bag slipped from my grasp, landing at my feet and vomiting out all its contents. Fantastic. I looked up at met Travis's eyes. My day went from bad to worse.
"What the hell is this, Connor?" He bent and picked some of the stuff up. They were nothing interesting, mostly candy and interesting knick knacks I had flinched from random cabins. "Why aren't you at archery?" I raised an eyebrow at my brother.
"Are you kidding me? I hate archery." I told him. He should know, he suffered through it with me long enough. Travis didn't seem to remember this however.
"We need to train, Connor. Things are getting dangerous. Percy dyi-" He stopped himself and looked around. Travis seemed guilty. I felt myself going angry. Did the fool think I didn't know all that?
"Yeah, so, what's your point?" I snapped, grabbing my stuff from his hands. Travis frowned, looking troubled. I gritted my teeth. He was acting all grown up and mature. Not a few months back he would have been with me. And now he was above all this 'petty' fun?
"My point is, Connor, we can't play around anymore. This is serious. You're missing trai-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I cut him off. "You're just worried of making a bad impression on your girlfriend. " I turned around and walked away. Unfortunately, Travis had other ideas. He grabbed my shoulder, holding me in place. There was once when we had been almost the same size. Lately, Travis had been growing slightly bulkier. His arm felt like a rock on my shoulders. I stopped.
"Don't be immature," he snapped.
"Oh, I'm being immature?" I retorted. "Who has been getting up at the crack of dawn to play with dirt? Who's been making droopy love sick faces across the room? And you're calling me immature?" I laughed. It was a maniacal laugh and other campers shot us nervous looks. Travis and I never argued. Never. Period.
But I was tired of listening to everything my brother said. I was tired of acting like a hero. Travis stared at me, his mouth opening and closing like a fish
"Go away, Travis. Go sit on a tree with Katie or something." I turned again. This time Travis really did pull me back. I stepped back, taken by surprise when his fist came flying to meet my the side of my face.
"I've had it with you." Travis hissed angrily. "You and your moping around, like everyone was supposed to pay attention to you. Acting like a jerk and trying to get people killed." I flinched. Travis pressed on.
"Raiding the cabins and getting us in trouble. Going after that witch-child." My head shot up. I stared at Travis's blue eyes, so identical to my own, seething with anger. "You heard me," Travis went on. "Hecate never apologized after the war and you go trailing after that girl like she was some kind of goddess. For all we know, she could be some kind of spy –" He never finished the sentence.
Dropping my bag, I punched Travis in the face, hard. He staggered. I pressed on, hitting him in the gut. My brother doubled over. I grabbed his shirt, pulling his face up to mine.
"Don't – talk- like –that- about- Alva!" I spat the words at him venomously. Travis shoved me back, hooking his foot around mine and pulling. I tripped and landed in the dust. He stood on top of me, eyes flashing. Anger washed through me. The jerk. Asshole. Who did he think he was?
We lunged at each other again and again, faster each time. The campers gathered around in a circle, yelling 'Fight! Fight! Fight!'. All of them were depressed and looking for a distraction. We happened to provide one. Someone pushed through their ranks. The campers hastily stepped back, making way for her. It was Annabeth.
"Stop!" She yelled with such authority, Travis and I froze. Annabeth glowered at us. She looked like her mother with her blonde hair tumbling around her shoulders and her eyes blazing with anger. "What do you think you are doing?" She snapped. Campers being to drift off slowly. No one wanted to be anywhere near Annabeth when she looked like this.
Travis looked from Annabeth to me silently. He wasn't going to say anything and neither was I. We glared at each other. Annabeth stepped closer. When she spoke again, it was softer, kinder.
"What's going on, Connor?" I looked away, not meeting her eyes. I stared up at the blue sky, thinking about Alva's hair turned that exact shade of blue when she was thinking about something. What could I say? 'I'm sorry, Annabeth. I was just thinking about how I should be hauled off to the Fields of Punishment since I'm a murderer and I don't deserve to be alive?'
A soft laugh cut through the blanket of silence around us like a knife. Goosebumps erupted on my arms. I looked Jenna who had appeared out of nowhere as usual. Baring my teeth, I lunged at her. Travis stepped in my way and I crashed into him. It was like banging into a concrete wall.
"What's wrong with you? "he asked. They were all looking at me strangely, I realised. Both Annabeth and Travis. Jenna just stood there smiling. She looked like a Barbie doll, all pretty and harmless. I felt bile rising up in my throat.
"Annabeth!" I gasped. "I told you about her! She was the one who told us to splash the paint, she summoned the ants. She's crazy!" The words poured out of me so fast they tumbled over each other. Annabeth just looked at me blankly.
"What are you talking about, Connor?" Annabeth said blankly. "Jenna's a child of Aphrodite. She wouldn't hurt a fly." Travis nodded in agreement. They were both looking at me like I was a nut case. Jenna smiled and flipped her hair.
"Violence? Oh pur-lease! I might crack a nail or something. Plus, it involves physical labor. Ce n'est pas mon forte." She giggled and I thought I might have strangled her right there and then.
"No! Annabeth, she's fooling with your heads! She's doing some mojo and making you forget. Annabeth, please! We talked about this, last night in the infirmary!" I was practically begging but none of them seemed to care. Annabeth's eyes clouded over for a second and she frowned. Travis just had a stubborn look on his face. My shoulders slumped.
"All I remember is your stupid prank, Connor." Annabeth's eyes had clear but it was like she could see me anymore. "If you keep this up, we might have to take you to Mr. D." Then, she walked away. Just like that. That wasn't the Annabeth I knew. The Annabeth I knew would have at least thought about, would have considered the possibility. Or more likely, calculated the chances of it being logically acceptable. But she just flat out denied it. Travis shook his head and left too. I stared at them, speechless.
Growling, I turned on Jenna. I was so angry, so damn angry. "What did you do to them!" I yelled. I reached out to grab her and she laughed. The eerie green glow that had surrounded her earlier returned, flickering with malice and power. I stepped back.
"What are you going to do, Connor?" She asked me sweetly. "Kill me? It wouldn't be your first time." She flashed me her thousand watt supermodel smile. Usually, that smile would have left guys drooling like mindless zombies. It just made me angrier.
"You bi-" I reached for my sword. Jenna laughed.
"Hurting me won't get you anywhere, Connor. They'll just throw you out of Camp. What are you going to do then?" I froze. They wouldn't do that. I've been here for years. They would never throw me out. Jenna smiled again. Then, she flipped her prefect hair and walked away.
I watched her go. I couldn't do anything. I was helpless. I was alone. So completely utterly alone. No one would believe me. I couldn't do anything. A strangled yell escaped my throat. Grabbing my sword, I threw with at the nearest tree in anger.
The sword clattered into a clump of bushes and I heard a faint yelp. I stared. The bushes rustled suspiciously. Then, holding my sword gingerly in her hand, Rachel stepped out from behind the tree. She looked terrible. There were dark circles under her eyes and her hair was as messed up as I've ever seen it. Rachel looked at me, her eyes calm. That was when I knew.
"You know what she is don't you?" I asked. Rachel nodded. Relief flooded me like a dam bursting. "Tell me." I would do anything. Anything. Rachel nodded again.
"Not here,' she said. "Maybe she can turn into a bat or something." I bit back a laugh. "C'mon. "She turned and disappeared into the thicket of bushes behind her.
I hesitated. Rachel was a mortal. Yes, she was the Oracle but I didn't want her to get hurt too. I thought of my mother. Dead because of me. I thought of Vanessa, who had almost died because of me. I thought of Alva. She would have gone through with it. She would have said that it was the best way, the only way. Then, she would have yelled at me for being such a fool. The thought gave me hope.
I followed Rachel through the bushes. I don't know what was going here but I sure as hell was going to find out.