Chapter 26. Vanessa: Cut Us And We Bleed

Once, during one of our long, long hours of training at camp, I had asked Alva what she thought of me. Alva was busy murdering a straw dummy so it was a moment before she heard me.

"What?" Alva grunted, wiping the sweat of her forehead. It had been around midday and the sun was as hot as it had ever been at Camp Half-Blood. I repeated my question and Alva, frowned. Her hair changed colour as it always did and I felt surprised to see it turned black, black as a nightmare. Now, why was that?

"Do you want an honest answer?" she replied. I raised my eyebrows. Everyone wants that, don't they? Alva didn't seem to hear my thoughts, so I voiced it out loud. Alva laughed; her short, cynical laugh seemed as devoid of any real humour as always.

"You'd be surprised to know, V that no one really wants to know the truth. They just want their version of the lie confirmed." I stared at Alva. Did she really think that? I hoped not. How could she say that? Did that mean no one around here was telling the truth? Did she assume everyone around us was lying, all the time?

"Well, I think you'd want an honest answer." Alva went on, oblivious to my surprise. "I think … that you're confused." For the second time in as many minutes, Alva answer shocked me. Out of all the answers I had imagined, 'confused' had been at the bottom of the list.

I had thought of her answer when Lady Artemis asked us to join the Hunters. I had just stood there, letting Alva do all the talking for once. She was right, I realized. Alva had been spot-on when she said I was confused. I had absolutely no idea of who I am. I was Vanessa. Who is Vanessa?

Or more importantly, who was Vanessa?

"I'll make them pay! I'll make them all pay!" Nico yelled. I wasn't too sure whether he was actually talking to me or to the trees. For all I know, it could be the trees.

I looked down at Alva, she was still sleeping. I sighed. We were all tired but she was the only one who managed to fall asleep. She lay there, as still as a log with her hair spread around her like a silver halo. She could be sleeping. She could be dead. I gulped.

Nico was still yelling. He had a bruise over his cheekbone, leaves in his hair and a scar down his arm. I shuddered, thinking of how blood had poured out of his arm like a scarlet river before it closed up. The ground was still stained red where we had treated our wounds. It was an ugly stain, a dark maroon on the flattened grass. It didn't look natural. I sighed again.

I had various scratches and bruises myself but nothing major. Nothing major. I turned away from Nico as bile rose up my throat. He was pissed at me, I could tell. I'd have to deal with him later but now … I closed my eyes.

It had been utter chaos, the fight. The giants appeared out of nowhere, all arms and legs attacking and attacking. We had barely managed to take one down before another attacked. They didn't seem too organized, like they were just grunts, pawns, unimportant pieces in a big game. But it still almost overwhelmed us.

Alva and the naiad, Zena paired up. They took down ugly brute after ugly brute. Alva would distract the thing while Zena crept up from behind. It was effective, if a little risky. Often Zena got sidetracked by other monsters. But barely a look from her and Alva was there, her back pressed against Zena, fighting furiously.

I had pulled out my dagger and backed up slowly, my hands shaking. Monsters, gods, I hated them. Hated them. I couldn't think as the giants draw closer to me, grunting. They smelled of earth, of crushed leaves and the air after a rainy day. The smell was damp and it pressed down on me, making it hard to breathe. I whipped my head around, breathing hard. I was surrounded.

"Vanessa!" I looked around but I couldn't see Nico. One of the giants made a lunge at me and I ducked out-of-the-way. They grunted, shuffling closer, it was almost like …

Gaia's face flashed in my mind. The flames reflected in her eyes as she asked me to join her. Form an alliance she had said. They didn't want to hurt me. I realised as the giants stepped closer, enclosing me in a wall of earthy, muddy bodies. They wanted to capture me.

"Vanessa!" Nico sounded closer now. I wanted to yell at him to keep away. They won't hurt me. Go, I thought. "Damn it, Vanessa, what are you doing? Attack!" He sounded angry. I blinked. Yes, attack, of course. What was I thinking? But how? I was surrounded.

I thought of the little stunt I had pulled before. Summoning water out of nowhere. Could I do that again? I closed my eyes, trying to feel that connection, that sense of power, insurmountable power that I had felt. I opened my eyes again. Nothing. Zilch. The giants seemed like they were grinning, like they could feel how helpless I was. Their faces were generic, hardly differing from one brute to another. Their features seemed almost … sloppy. Like whoever made them didn't really care about details. They had deep-set eyes that were gleaming with something like primitive joy of the hunt. I swallowed.

Another giant lunged forward. They barely had to stretch to get me now. I ducked under its flailing arms and in an impulsive moment, pushed my dagger up its chin, thrusting it deep with my palm. The giant grunted, as though surprised and melted. Goo spread over my arms. I groaned. This was disgusting.

The giants looked more wary now. I grinned, feeling a slight buzz travel up my arms. It wasn't that bad really, this monster-fighting business. All I needed was a little concentr –

I screeched. One of them ugly brutes had grabbed me from the back. It wrapped its arms around me, almost in a hug. I screamed again. The giant squeezed. I gasped as my lungs were squashed.

"Vanessa?" Nico sounded worried. I could hear him grunting and his sword whistling as it travelled through the air. I gasped again. I couldn't breathe. The stupid giant was crushing me. It was turning away, leaving the area. I heard Nico yell out in pain and I winced. There was a loud crash and the wall of giant bodies on front of me parted. I could see Nico.

His sword was stuck in a tree trunk behind the largest, meanest giant of the lot. Nico was panting hard but he didn't seem particularly worried. The giant - let's call him Bruto - charged. Nico pushed out of his hand, almost thrusting it away from him. They glowed with a kind of hypnotic black fire. I watched entranced, forgetting all about breathing for the moment, as a crack appeared in the ground before Nico. It spread, after the direction of his arm, towards the giant. Bruto didn't notice and it barely paused as it ran right into the rapidly widening chasm opening before my eyes. It wouldn't work, I realised. Bruto was too big. Nico didn't seem to realise this. He was frowning, sweat dripping down his chin as he focused trying to make the chasm bigger.

Alva appeared out of nowhere. She leapt up Bruto's neck; she did it so easily it was almost like she was flying. Her sword flashed like silver lightning as she drove it into Bruto's neck. Zena sidled up in front of Nico, firing arrows so fast into Bruto that it looked like gunfire. Bruto went down with a crash. Alva jumped off again as Bruto disappeared into the chasm. They shared grins as the ground closed up again. They didn't to know I had been captured, I realized.

I struggled in my captive's arms but it was useless, he, it, whatever was too strong. Out of the corner of my eyes I noticed a few more giants sneaking up on my friends. They didn't notice, too busy celebrating their victory. I screamed soundlessly, trying to warn them. But I couldn't make a sound. There wasn't any air left in my lungs.

'Alva!Behind you! Please Alva, turn around!' I tried yelling mentally. It had worked once before, why not now? Just as my giant was beginning to move away, I noticed Alva turning. But she was turning towards me. 'No! Behind you!'

One of the giants had a mace and he raised it now. It was an evil-looking thing, all spikes and metal. I couldn't do anything as he brought it down on my friends. I couldn't move. Desperately, I tried to reach for that same power I felt before.

Suddenly, I felt something. A burst of power that came out of nowhere. No, not exactly nowhere. It came from inside me. And just like that, I was free.

Taking in a lungful of air, I screamed "Guys, behind you!" Finally, they turned. But I had problems of my own.

My giant wasn't too happy to see me free. He lunged out for me again and I skipped back a few steps, pulling put my dagger again. I needn't have worried, I saw. Somehow, I realized, my body had turn into water. It was incredible, if not unbelievable. Water ran down my arms in transparent rivers. Even my dagger seemed a little transparent. I felt cool, as cool as the spring breeze. Grinning up at the giant, I said "My turn!"

Pushing my arms our as far as they would go, like I saw Nico do before, I concentrated … and pushed.

Water. Tons and tons of it. Spurted out of my hands, rushing towards the giant. It was like I had become a part of a river, a lake, an ocean. I was one. I was powerful. I was unstoppable. The giant didn't even have time to blink before I washed him away. I lowered my arms, laughing.

"And don't come back!" I yelled. Turning around, I grinned at my friends who were staring at me, identical expressions of shock on their faces. I looked from Alva to Nico and looked around for Zena.

"Where's Zena?" I asked. The shock drained out of Nico's face, replaced by something else. It was almost like guilt. He looked at me, his eyes bright, too bright. I frowned, turning to Alva. "C'mon people, where is she?" Alva looked back at me steadily, her hair spilling down her shoulders in an ominous red river, red as blood. They were trying to tell me something, I knew. Panic filled my chest; I didn't want to understand the looks on their faces. Didn't want them to answer my question.

"She's gone."

I sighed. Alva had told me how Zena had pushed her and Nico out-of-the-way when the giants' mace fell. The mace crushed her lungs. They couldn't do anything. By the time Alva and Nico had dealt with the giant, she was almost gone. When Alva told me how she had disappeared in a shimmering silver cloud of stars, I had turned away. She seemed peaceful, Alva had said. Bile rose up in my throat and I threw up whatever was left in my stomach. It was my fault. If I had moved faster, maybe if wasn't so helpless, maybe …

"No," Alva had told me sternly. "No use thinking like that, you'd just make it worst." Her coldness surprised me. It was like she didn't care at all, the way she talked about Zena as though she was completely over it all.

"What?" I hissed, rage rising up in my chest. "You want me to just forget about her? Push her out of my mind like she never existed?" Alva looked taken aback for a moment then her face softened. Her hair turned a dark blonde and for a moment there I hated the look she gave me. Like I was some poor kid who didn't really understand what was going on. A kid who needed to be pitied and protected. I remembered the power I held in my hands just moments before. I didn't need her pity. And I definitely didn't need her protection.

"No, not like that. I just –" I cut her off, fighting the tears in my eyes.

"What? Accept her death and move on? You know how sick you sound right now?" My head was spinning and I felt sick. Sick as I thought of that mace flashing in the air. Sick as I remembered how I had been helpless while one of my friends died. I should have done more. It was my fault, all my fault. There was a pain in my chest, like someone was squeezing my heart harder and harder. Like how the giant had squeezed me, smothered me.

Zena face flashed in my mind. How she had fought back to back with Alva. Her voice high and shrill as she screamed out that it was a trap. The glares she shot Nico. We shouldn't have brought someone else with us. It's my fault. I should have said something, anything.

"Vanessa!" Alva's voice was sharp now. "I just meant you can't blame yourself –" I laughed.

"Why? Because I was trapped? Because I'm so freaking weak? Gods, Alva, I thought you were smarter. Turns out you were just a cold, unfeeling bitch" Alva had blinked, stunned. I shut up after that. I hadn't meant the words. I didn't even know why I was yelling. But the words were out now, and I couldn't take them back even if I wanted too. And I did want too. I bit my lip, watching Alva.

She turned around – her hair fiery red now - leaving me alone in the empty abandoned park where we had set up camp for the night. I watched guiltily as she lumped against a tree, beside her sword and her pack. Minutes later, she was asleep. I'm sorry, Alva, I wanted to say. But I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think.

I was confused.

I sat there now, gods-know-how-long-later. I couldn't forget how the mace had flashed as it fell. I thought of Zena, how her eyes had sparkled as she introduced herself to us. We didn't know everything about her, sure. But she had helped us, fought with us, and cracked jokes with us. Died for us.

I stifled a sob. Tears were finally escaping the prison I had made around them. They fell down my cheek tracing a path of pain to my chin before disappearing. I didn't make a move to wipe them away. I was too tired. I let them fall.

Oh, Zena. I'm so so sorry.

The park was beautiful. I watched as the sun moved across the sky, and the last red rays of the sunset played out across it. Everything had that dream-like quality it always has at sunset. It was like the world couldn't really accept that another day was over and for a moment, it transforms into this magical, wondering place. The trees seemed to hold secrets in their branches and the grass seemed to shine brighter than usual. The first stars were appearing slowly in the sky like little watchful eyes.

It felt like hours, days, months, forever when Nico finally stopped shouting. The gravel crunched as he crouched down beside me. I rose up my head to look up at him. He was pale, but then he was always pale, and his mouth was pressed together tightly. I met his scorching gaze hesitantly, feeling his dark chocolate eyes bore into mine. The look they gave me was accusing and full of betrayal. I bit my lip, lowering my eyes again.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. Nico sat beside me silently for a long, long time before he answered.

"For what?" he snapped. I winced. His words lashed at me like a whip. Hostility rolled off him in waves. It was almost a physical pang, the hate he seemed to be radiating. A lump appeared in my throat and I swallowed painfully. What do I say? What do I do?

I was confused.

"Zena. Not telling you what I could do. Everything." My voice sounded timid. I hated it. I sounded weak, like I needed to be babied about. I guiltily remembered how I had yelled at Alva earlier and glanced around at her. She was still sleeping. Beside me, Nico sighed.

"You could have told me, you know." His voice was almost a whisper. I turned to look at him once more. There was a glimmer of something in his eyes and I was struck by how vulnerable he seemed. He was looking at me wide-eyed and there something heart-wrenching about his face just then. His mouth, normally pursed to give a sharp retort to something just seemed sad. He looked years younger and not the pale, dark youth I knew. This was someone else. Someone who had suffered. Someone in pain.

No, I thought. Not someone else. This was the real Nico. The boy he was inside when there was no one looking.

"Told you what?" I replied, just as soft. He reached up a hand, caressing the side of my face, I felt my eyes widen and froze in the spot. I felt like there was a wild, rare, fantastic animal inched away from me and one move would send it flying. Nico's thumb moved over my cheekbone softly and I almost sighed. It felt wonderful.

"About your powers. Your abilities." I sighed, my eyes closing as his hand swept my hair off my shoulders. His sin was soft, like rose petals. It was cold but it felt like heaven against mine. I wanted this moment to last forever. Just the both of us in the eternal twilight.

"I know." I replied. What else was there to say?

"Zena …" Nico said softly. "It wasn't you fault," he continued slowly. I had stiffened at her name. Now, I relaxed, the tension leaving my body. I couldn't accept it earlier, when Alva told me the same thing. But now …

"I know." My voice sounded thick. A sob fought its way out of my throat. Nico put his arms around my shoulders and pulled me to his chest. I buried my head in his shoulders, sobs wracking my body. Tears spilled out on his plain black jacket. He just held me while I cried myself out. Laying my head on his hard shoulder, I breathed in. The air smelled of rain and smoke. Nico smelled delicious. Slowly, I calmed down. Then Nico began to speak. His words poured out slowly, almost reluctantly but they had a kind of urgency to them. Like he had to get them out before it exploding in him.

"My mother died when I was a kid. Zeus killed her." His voice was almost a rasp. He went on describing how he and sister lived, shunted from boarding school to boarding school, unwanted and unloved when finally Percy had found them.

"Then, she just left," his voice rasped and then, it was my turn to comfort him. He seemed to weigh almost nothing as I pulled him close. He buried his head in my neck and I ran my fingers through his silken hair. Slowly, he continued, telling me how his sister died as a Hunter and the years of rage that followed.

"Zena …" Nico hesitated. "She knew my sister. Liked her. She lost her sister too." He was quiet for a while. "I lost her too. I- I don't want to lose you." I raised my head to look at him, surprised. He looked back down at me, his eyes shining now, with a fierce light that scared me and thrilled me all at once. His face was inches away from mine and we were breathing the same air. Hypnotically, almost unwillingly, we moved closer. My heartbeat sped up like crazy. I was close enough to feel that Nico's heart was none too calm either. His breath wafted on my face, smelling like blueberries and my stomach fluttered nervously. Nico raised his hands to cradle my face, holding me in place. His lips were just an inch away; all I needed to do was reach out.

"Guys?" Alva's voice broke the tension building between us. Nico and I scrambled madly away from each other, like little kids caught doing something we shouldn't. Alva froze her mouth a comical 'O' when she saw our faces. "Um, you hungry?" Her voice petered out uncertainly. Nico looked like he could murder her.

Right then, I wasn't too sure if I would object.