Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed
when silly thoughts go through my head
about the bugs and alphabet
and when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we are gonna be friends
Yes I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
...
The crowd roared below Harry as he circled the pitch. The game had been going on for three hours. Even though the sun had almost set, sweat plastered Harry's quidditch robes to his back, and blisters were beginning to form on Harry's fingers. There was still no sign of the snitch.
The fans didn't seem to mind the fact that the game had been going on for hours. In fact, their enthusiastic roars seemed to gain strength as the time went on. Fred smacked one of the bludgers towards Jamie Harrison, the Hufflepuff keeper. The crowd yelled in excitement.
Harry's stomach flipped. Although Harry couldn't tell where, he knew that Sirius also was in the stands. It was the first time Sirius had been able to see Harry play, and Harry was determined to win.
"SPINNET!" Wood yelled. Harry's head jerked up and he watched Alicia, who was bolting towards the Hufflepuff, narrowly avoid the Hufflepuff defence. He pulled up his broom, berating himself for getting distracted.
Then he saw it: a small, glimmer of gold midway down the pitch. He leaned forward on the boron and zoomed towards it with all his might. He could hear Amy Blythe, the Hufflepuff seeker, closing in on him. The wind whipped around him. The crowd cheered. Harry's heart leapt. This was what Harry lived for. Amy was fast and smart, but Harry had a head start and his Nimbus 2000 pulled him ahead. His hand closed around the small, cold ball. The Gryffindor side erupted.
Harry held up the snitch and landed hard on the green pitch. Immediately, he was seized by the other Gryffindor players. It took him 15 minutes to dislodge the other players from him (Oliver kept loudly recounting Harry's capture of the snitch). When he finally got away, he could see see Sirius standing by the gates, beaming at him. Both eager and shy, Harry jogged over to him, Sirius grabbed him in a bone-crushing hug.
"You were so wonderful!" Sirius said pulling back and squeezing Harry's shoulders. Harry ducked his head with an embarrassed grin.
"Your Father would be so proud," said Sirius, giving Harry's shoulders another fond squeeze.
"Really?" asked Harry with a little smile. The win, Sirius' approval the comment about James' pride, it all made Harry beam as they started to walk up to the castle.
"Of course," Sirius said, raising a hand to wave at McGonogal. "He was insane about Quidditch, your Dad. I got you this little toy broomstick. You mother hated that broom. You'd zoom around, get in to all sorts of trouble. You're Dad had to chase you around so you didn't take your head off. He thought it were hilarious and always said you'd be a great player…"
Harry looked up at Sirius who hard trailed off. He looked old again, like he usually did when he spoke of Harry's parents. There was a moment of silence as they trekked up towards the castle. Sirius dropped an arm around Harry's shoulder.
"Anyways, I was wondering if you wanted to come stay with me at Hogsmeade for Easter next weekend?" Sirius said, changing the subject easily.
Easter was one of those holidays that Harry never noticed. The Dursley's had a ham and went to Church - Aunt Petunia in her salmon dress, Uncle Vernon and Dudley besuited beside her like two bodyguards. It just meant a few more chores for Harry. Now that he went to Hogwarts, it meant an extra day off from classes but no significance beyond that. It was nice though, the thought of being able to spend another weekend with Sirius in Hogmeade.
"Yeah!" Harry said, rolling another thought around, a thought that made him feel like he was ratting on Snape.
"Remus is coming too and I thought I'd invite Snape - Professor Snape." Sirius said. Harry nodded.
"Things with Professor Snape are going well?" Sirius asked after a moment.
"Yeah!" Harry said in a voice that was perhaps a little too bright. He hadn't seen Snape outside of class in weeks. When he had asked Snape for another round of chess at the end of potions a few weeks ago, he had just snapped that he was busy and stormed off to his room. Harry knew he didn't mean anything by it. - the next class he had complimented Harry's potions and offered Harry a stained smile. Harry, who was beginning to understand these things, took that to mean that Snape was very sorry - but it was still odd.
"Good," Sirius said brightly, holding the door open for Harry. "Good. You go get changed and celebrate with the rest of your house. I have to go talk to Dumbledore."
Harry nodded and walked up to the common room, but Sirius didn't continue up the stairs toward Dumbledore's office. He walked down to Snape's dungeons.
"You missed the game," Sirius said from the entrance to Snape's dungeons. The room smelled oddly sweet, though still putrid. Two long tables stood on either side of a smoking cauldron. In front of the cauldron stood Snape, his hair pulled back in a ponytail as he observed his concoction carefully.
Severus looked up from his cauldron to stare at Sirius through narrowed, skeptical eyes. Sirius never knew how to respond to that look. Figuring the best defence was a good offence, Sirius smiled.
"What are you doing?" asked Sirius in a would be casual voice.
"Brewing," Severus said shortly, still looking at Sirius as though he was a complex and slightly annoying puzzle. Before Sirius could figure out the right response, or at least one that wouldn't anger Severus, Severus had turned back to his cauldron.
Without trying to be obvious about it, Sirius took a deep breath and counted backwards from five. Patience was not his strong suit. Sirius was typically the one who required patience, not the one who gave it.
"Gryffindor won. Harry caught the snitch," Sirius managed to say lightly.
Severus didn't say anything. He just continued to brew. Sirius felt another a hotter flicker of anger lick his guts. Sirius was able to handle Severus' disdain and aloofness, if only because he consciously viewed it as a favour for Dumbledore. What was getting tiresome was the look on Harry's face whenever Severus was brought up. Sirius had been furious when Harry told him weeks ago that Severus hadn't spoken to him. It had taken two days for Sirius to talk himself out of his fury and speak to Severus calmly.
And when Sirius had spoken to Severus, taciturn and defensive as the man was, he had understood the loneliness and insecurity well. In fact, he had understood Severus in that moment more than he had understood any other person he had seen since leaving Azkaban. But they had had that talk, that understanding. Sirius knew Severus had spoken to Harry and invited him for tea and the fact that Severus was now jerking Harry around made Sirius furious.
"He would have liked to have seen you there," Sirius said after a moment. Severus still didn't look up.
"Harry and I are having Easter at 6:30 this Friday," Sirius said, his voice short and tight.
"I can't."
Sirius fought back another surge of frustration. There was no point in yelling. He was not sharp-spoken enough to best Severus Snape in a battle of words. He wasn't vain enough to think his entreaties could change his mind.
"You should," Sirius said. Sirius turned and walked out of the dungeon, but he could feel Severus' eyes on him as he did.
'He's going to start taking it personal, Severus."
Despite Sirius' words, over the next few days Severus thought of almost nothing but Dumbledore. His anxiety had made him almost revert to his old self: taciturn, curt. He had stopped writing his casual letters to Sirius and avoided returning to see Pauline. He had smiled at Harry in class, but hadn't gone out of the way to talk to the child. It wasn't intentional. He was just so used to be alone, to not factoring other people into his plans, that it didn't really occur to him to act any different.
"I think I found a formulation of Phoenix tears that would help to stall the progress, potentially for years," Severus said excitedly, pushing his breakfast around the plate.
"I wouldn't want to put Fawkes out," said Dumbledore vaguely. Severus looked at him sharply.
"You're not taking this seriously," snapped Severus. Severus wanted to wring Dumbledore's neck. Severus had barely slept for nights. Dumbledore just didn't care. He could leave Severus., leave everyone.
"I think you're taking that seriously enough for the both of us," Dumbledore said, still looking out over the students. Severus continued to scowl at him, after a long moment, Dumbledore sighed and looked at him.
"Severus, I am an old man," Dumbledore said, patting Severus on the arm. "I want to do the best with the time I have and see the people that I love happy."
"We are at war," said Severus, his lips starting to thin. The thought of Dumbledore dying made him furious. Dumbledore smiled,
"There will always be another war, another Voldemort. I've had a long, good life. I hope those I love have the same," said Dumbledore.
"Without you," Severus spat. Dumbledore turned around and gave Severus an odd look filled with deep affection and something else Severus couldn't identify.
"It was bound to happen eventually, Severus," Dumbledore said patting Severus on the arm.
"So you expect me to just let you die?" Severus asked lowly. That seemed to be asking far too much.
"Oh no. I appreciate your efforts and I hope you keep looking for a cure," Dumbledore said. "But you have your own life, Severus, and I want you to keep living it." Severus looked at Dumbledore's heavy eyes.
He thought of Pauline, Harry, even of Sirius. All the people he had ignored over the past few days due to his mania with helping Dumbledore and understood what he had to do.
Severus bought flowers at a bodega inside the Ministry. He had never done it before and, much to this florist's consternation, couldn't decide what he wanted.
"How badly did you screw-up?" the short, plump man finally asked in exasperation. Severus blinked at him for a moment.
"Medium-badly."
The florist waddled to the back and pulled out a bouquet filled with purple violets and white roses. "There."
He walked to the coffee shop where Pauline was just finishing up work and she regarded him with mild curiosity as he approached.
"Hi,' he said, awkwardly holding the flowers out towards her. She took them, but with an air of trepidation.
"Hi." Her voice wasn't cool, but it wasn't warm either.
"I'm sorry I've been in touch. I have a week at work that has just been -" he trailed off. "I'm sorry, but please don't take anything I've done as an indicator that I do not want to see you, because I do. Very much."
Pauline looked at him for a moment.
"I really don't like roller-coasters."
"Pardon."
"Any kind. I don't like the ones at fairs and I really don't like them in my relationships," Pauline said. "I like steady. Excitement is for books." Severus smiled.
"No one has ever accused me of being too exciting."
Pauline grinned.
The second thing he had to do was far more difficult as it required swallowing considerably more of his pride. He was sure he was going to choke on it.
He stood in front of the apartment, prickling with discomfort. On the other side of the door he could hear music and laughter. Knowing the discomfort wouldn't go away, Severus raised a fist and hesitantly knocked.
A moment later the door opened and Sirius, caught mid-laugh, lost his smile and stared at Severus in naked surprise. Severus cleared his throat and held out a bottle of wine, half-resentfully, half-as-an apology.
"Happy Easter," muttered Severus. A wide grin split over Sirius' face and he pulled the door open wider.
"Come on in." he said, clapping Severus on the shoulder.
Severus did. Remus and Harry were already in the living room playing Exploding Snap with Ron. In the kitchen, Severus could see Hermione stirring vegetables in a smoking pan. Feeling slightly awkward, Severus followed Sirius through the neat, little living room.
"Look who's here!" Sirius said. Everyone looked up at Severus, who felt even more uncomfortable. Remus smiled.
"Happy Easter, Severus," Remus said with his characteristic cordial behaviour. "Perfect timing actually, I have to go check on the ham, why don't you take over for me?"
Before Severus could comment, Remus got to his feet and strode into the kitchen, leaving Severus alone with Ron and Harry.
"OW!" Harry, Ron and Remus all jerked up at Remus' scream, which was quickly followed by Sirius' horrified apologies, and raced into the kitchen.
Remus was holding his hand under the running water. The steaming ham sat on the floor. Remus smiled at their worried faces.
"Sorry. All is well. Sirius decided to try an hurry the ham along a little bit and apparently forgot about basic physics!" Remus scowled at Sirius who blushed and handed Remus a small jar of burn cream.
"What happened?" asked Severus.
"I tried to use my wand to cook the ham. The pan conducted the heat, burned Remus." Severus looked from Sirius, to the ham on the ground, to the uncooked, half-prepared sides sitting on the counters.
"Do either of you actually know how to cook?" asked Severus. Remus, Sirius and Hermione all looked a little sheepish. Severus sighed.
"Move over," Severus said with an exasperated sigh.
With a quick efficiency learned from years of potion-making, Severus chopped, stewed and cooked the Easter dinner. Sirius and Ron, predictably, were completely useless in the kitchen and were relegated to the kitchen table to play chess. Remus and Hermione helped somewhat, but after Snape snarled at Remus for cutting the carrots too finely they too retired to the kitchen table to watch Sirius and Ron play chess.
Then it was just Harry and Severus, preparing the food almost in silence. Harry was a surprisingly good cook: careful, efficient. For some reason the boy's presence was causing something in Severus' chest to loosen.
"Ok put in the carrots, coconut, walnuts, pineapple and the raisins," said Severus, pushing forward the bowl of batter.
"Raisins, really?" Sirius said in disapproval from the kitchen grinned and Severus and poured the ingredients into the bowl of batter.
"You're the one who wanted a carrot cake," Severus said, mixing the fruit into the batter with quick efficiency.
"Well I wanted all the traditional dishes," Sirius whined looking at the cookbook. "I didn't know it involved raisins."
Severus rolled his eyes and caught Harry grinning at him out of the corner of his eye.
"You can have a cookie then.," Severus said. "Put in here. The oven is preheated." Harry obeyed. Everything was done. The kitchen smelled like cooked sugar and ham. Even Hermione was peering eagerly at the cooking.
Remus and Sirius dished the food out, and they all crammed around the much-to-small table. Sirius subtly observed Snape over the top of the ham. He could tell it was difficult for Severus to be there sitting at the kitchen with his elbows bashing into Remus'. The only reason he was enduring the discomfort was for Harry. For that reason alone, Sirius' heart warmed to the man as he responded stiffly to Remus' questions about potions.
The conversation grew. Remus got Severus talking about Wolfsbane. The children were talking about Quidditch. Sirius sat there silently watching. He never thought that he would have this, a loud family crowded around a kitchen table. He certainly didn't expect that crowd to include Severus Snape, and some Hogwarts first-years, but it felt right. When Sirius told Severus to stay for coffee and cake after dinner, he did so less out of allegiance to Dumbledore and more out of genuine affection.
Severus was not used to company, and despite the fact that he enjoyed the dinner more than he thought he would. He was more than happy to shoo everyone out of the wash the dishes.
"Thanks for all your help," Severus said with a small smile as Harry helped collect the plates. Ron and Hermione were in the kitchen cleaning up with Sirius and Remus, Harry easily could have been there too. Severus may not be have the best social skills, but he could see that the boy was trying to spend time with him.
"I like cooking," Harry said with a shrug. Severus bent down to fold up a blanket and could feel Harry's eyes on him, testing him out. Severus didn't blame him. He had been a touch unpredictable in his interactions with the child. Playing out his version own version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde certainly wasn't going to improve their relationship.
"Where did you learn to cook?" Severus asked, settling on something neutral.
"I helped my Aunt," Harry said. Severus nodded. Silence followed.
"I'm sorry that I have not been available the past few weeks," said Severus. It was awkward apologizing to a student - though he was getting a lot of practice with Harry - and his voice came out stiff.
"It's alright," said Harry with another shrug. Severus was about to try to offer an explanation, soften the boy up when he spoke again.
"There's nothing happening on Thursday night," Harry said casually. "If you'd want to play chess again or something."
Severus had a pile of papers to mark, Slytherin progress reports to write for the end of the year not to mention that, if he ever wanted to marry Pauline in this world he really did need to set up another date with her. Plus, he had to find a way to save Dumbledore's life. Severus barely had time to feed himself, let alone spend time with Harry. He hesitated. Harry picked up on Severus' reluctance instantly.
"If you're less busy now, I mean. If you're not -," Harry said, starting to back-track, confused.
"No, I'm not too busy," Severus said. "Thursday would be great."
Harry beamed at him. The fact that he cared so much about a simple game of chess with Severus made Severus' heart chest tighten.
"Carrot cake is ready, raisins and all," Sirius said carrying in several plates from the kitchen.
The overabundance of food left them all sated and sleepy. Ron and Hermione were the first to leave at which point Sirius brought out the brandy and poured liberal glasses for himself. Remus and Severus. Harry got a soda and an extra slice of cake.
Sirius and Remus were chatting quietly about Quidditch while Severus listened and nodded. The night went on, the bottle of fire whiskey emptied and the fire crackled pleasantly. Severus was loathe to admit it, but it was almost pleasant, being full, a little buzzed listening to Remus and Sirius banter.
"Merlin, I ate way too much," Sirius said leaning back in his chair in front of the fire. Harry was fast asleep on the couch beside him. He looked more childlike than he ever had. It made The rusty mess that was Severus' heart stuttered, like a car attempting to come to life after years of neglect.
Sirius pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and covered Harry with it. His hand rested on Harry's messy mop of hair for a moment. He was so easy with the child, so natural, and it made Severus oddly jealous in a way he did not want to examine to closely.
"I think that's my cue to leave," Severus said, getting to his feet. Remus muttered his agreement and they both collected their coats and headed towards the floo.
"Goodnight," Remus said. "Happy Easter." He waved cheerfully and disappeared into a green mist. Severus wished he had gone first. Now, he and Sirius were alone together.
"Well it was a lovely evening," Severus said stiffly. "Goodnight." He hated how rooted his own self-protection was, that he couldn't even say 'thank you' or that he enjoyed an evening without feeling like he was letting someone see too much of his soul.
"Thank you for coming, Severus," Sirius said with such gravity that Severus turned around. "It meant a lot."
He tilted his head towards Harry.
"Yes…well…goodnight," Severus said, not knowing what else to say.
"Goodnight," Sirius said with a warm smile.
"Hogwarts. Snape's Quarters." As he jerked from fireplace-to-fireplace, Severus couldn't help but think that he had finally done something right.
Aside from searching high and low for a cure for Dumbledore, the next month of Severus' life was like a dream. He was busy - he had always kept busy - but for once in his life, he actually was truly busy because people wanted his time. He saw Pauline as much as he could, spent more time than he ever thought he would with Sirius and Remus and, every Thursday night, he made sure he was sitting in his quarters, waiting for the knock that announced Harry's presence.
The first Thursday Harry was shy:
"I'm not sure it's the right colour," said Harry sheepishly, holding up his potions vial. The potion was a darker blue than Severus would have hoped for, but it looked to be the right consistency and general colour. He smiled at Potter.
"It looks fine, Potter," Severus said, remembering Dumbledore's words and putting down his quill.
"How have you been?" asked Severus.
"Good," Harry said, brightening a little. "We have Quidditch practice with Ravenclaw tomorrow, so that should be cool. We get to scrimmage and stuff."
Severus smiled and Harry looked down to the feet that he was shuffling in between. He looked a little nervous again.
"Well I'll see you tonight, Potter. Does 7 work?" Harry brightened and nodded.
The sheepishness that Harry had adopted around Severus, like he was unsure of his welcome, vanished after a few more visits. Now the child was happy to flop down on Severus' couch, eat a mountain of cookies and chatter away about his week, his friends, and a book he borrowed from Severus. Severus would never admit it, not even to Dumbledore, but there was something about Harry's ease and familiarity that touched something deep in Severus' heart. It made him feel needed, trusted, almost like a parent, and Severus too felt at ease.
"Then he said that he simply did not like Shakespeare and never would. I simply do not know what to do with that boy. His taste in his literature is simply abysmal. All he wants to read is that book Holes. Louis Sachar - you know the one," Severus said to Dumbledore one night over tea.
"Holes is a delightful book, Severus," Dumbledore said fondly.
"Yes. Yes." Severus snorted. "I suppose it is. He did say this amusing thing about how if had to dig Holes all day, he'd at least…" Severus stopped abruptly, noticing that Dumbledore was giving him a curious, soft smile.
"What?"
"Nothing," Dumbledore said, still smiling. "If he's so enamoured with Holes, give him the Westing Game. It's not Shakespeare, but perhaps it'll be a bridge."
"Hm, yes well, perhaps. It would be a shame if he consumed nothing but trash" Severus said. "He's quite smart, you know?"
There was a touch of pride in his voice. He didn't know where it came from. It's not like Harry was his to be proud of.
"Yes, I did know that," Dumbledore said with a smile. "And I'm sure you'll make sure he is not filling his head with trash."
Dumbledore put down his cup of tea. Severus couldn't help but notice the way his black hand shook as he set down the tea cup.
The skin around his wrist was turning a dark grey. The containment charms were starting to lose their efficacy. Severus hated himself in that moment. He had been spending time with Sirius, Harry, Pauline while Dumbledore died. If he wasn't so selfish, he would have found a cure by now.
He returned to his dungeons. He never should have left in the first place.
"What are you doing?" Sirius hours later asked from the door to the dungeons.
Severus frowned. He had spent hours trying and failing to successfully complete one step of a hundred for a potion that might, possibly, maybe, buy Dumbledore a few more months. He was not in a good mood.
"Brewing,' he said shortly.
"Well,, we are supposed to be drinking," Sirius said cheerfully. "A much more enjoyable activity, I may add. Also, what are you trying to do here? Find the cure for dragon-pox?"
Severus continued to chop the fig root, not looking up.
"Severus? Is everything alright?" Sirius asked, all of the sudden sounding concerned.
"Fine," Severus lied. All he had to worry about was that the man who had been more a mentor and Father than's Severus' biological father was about to die a slow painful death. "This is just important."
Severus could feel Sirius' eyes on him for a moment, then Sirius took off his outer robe and laid across a stool and rolled up his shirt sleeves.
"Alright, I'll help," Sirius said. He drew a shrivel-fig closer to him and started to slice it.
"What? What are you doing?" Severus said, looking with horror at the image of Sirius making himself at home at Severus' work-bench.
"Helping," Sirius said calmly. Severus continued to look skeptically at him. Sirius grinned. "I can chop, Severus."
Severus looked at him for another few moments then nodded.
"Very well," he grunted. "Just don't screw it up."
"I wouldn't dare," Sirius said, his eyes twinkling in a very Dumbledoresque way.
They worked in companionable silence for a while: chopping, peeling, simmering. Severus typically preferred to brew alone. Other people were tedious at the best of times, even more so when there were delicate potions around, potions Severus liked a very particular way. But Sirius was careful and competent and followed Severus' instructions cheerfully. If Severus thought about it, he may have concluded that Sirius was trying to humour him. '
"Let's take a break," Sirius said as a few of the potions started to simmer. Severus looked up indignantly.
"Come on, these two need to simmer and we need some food," Sirius said before Severus could protest. There was a logic in that. Plus, considering he had denied Sirius a night of drinking, the least he could do was feed the guy. Severus' stomach was starting to ache. They summoned house-elves and ate their dinner near the fire, talking quietly. It was almost nice.
"Why are you on campus?" Severus asked between bites of chicken.
"I've been helping Hagrid," Sirius said with a yawn. "I've been going stir-crazy, and there's something in the forest. It attacked one of the unicorns, tried to take its blood. So sad, seeing it all dead like that." Severus abruptly stopped eating.
"Unicorn blood," Severus said suddenly. Sirius returned his stare blankly.
"What of it?" Severus was already getting to his feet.
"Unicorn blood freely given is not cursed," Severus said. He felt shaky and agitated, as though he had just swallowed several cups of coffee. Sirius' eyes were hazy and thoughtful. He looked over at the healing potions he had tactfully not remarked on.
"But in order to get freely given unicorn blood you have to ask permission of the unicorn keeper," Sirius said after a moment. "If that is even a thing. Because no one has ever gotten close enough to see a unicorn keeper. This may just be the stuff of childhood stories."
Severus ran his long fingers around his mouth, considering. Aside from understanding the properties of unicorn by-products, Severus had little knowledge of unicorns themselves. He had been too old for unicorn stories by the time he fully entered the Wizarding world. His Mother only ever told him Muggle stories.
"Well then, what are the stories?" Severus asked. Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"Who needs the blood?" he asked shrewdly.
In Loving Memory of Alan Rickman
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