Hello fellow fanfictioners!

I am calling out to you,

to help me and motivate me.

Please tell me your thoughts if you like it,

or give me some constructive criticism if you don't.

The point here is to share, and I'd like to do that with all of you!

Thank you so far for reading it!

Chapter 5: A Human Experience

The information that had come out during our discussion was a lot to take. Not only for me, Edward seemed equally deep in thought. Until Carlisle came and insisted that Edward go hunting with him. He hadn't drunk enough blood, as he'd mouth-fed most of it to me. His eyes were still black. He told me mine were among the darkest he'd ever seen.

My flaming red newborn eyes had quickly faded with thirst. There wasn't any blood in my system, except my own vampire blood running through my veins. I could see them very faintly, snaking deeply under my skin. I did feel some attraction to them. I sometimes traced the lines with my fingers. But still, I had no actual desire to drink it. It was blood, and my own blood at that.

Alice and Emmett came to keep me company as the evening progressed. Then Alice decided that I should get a makeover before going into the city. She dragged me up to her room, opened another door and flipped a switch, offering me the sight of a beautiful bathroom.

"Let's get you cleaned up first. And throw away those bloody clothes, they stink." She screwed up her nose as she reproachfully looked at the shirt she'd given me, which was covered in specks of the moose-blood I'd spit out and thrown up. My hair was all tangled with twigs and dirt, from my struggle with Edward on the forest floor.

"Sorry." I smiled apologetically. I knew how Alice hated to see clothes being mistreated. I decided I'd make up for it by letting her shove me into any outfit she wanted the next day.

"There's soap and shampoo if you like, though you don't really need it." She informed me as she led me into the bathroom. It wasn't too big, nor too small; just the right size to be cozy and comfortable. There was a shower and a bath. I decided to go for a bath. I had all night if I wanted.

I let the water run. It was lukewarm, but it felt nice and hot to my frigid skin. Alice hummed cheerfully as she went through her closet in the next room, picking out things for me to wear.

"The annoying thing is we have to dress according to the season when we go out in public." She explained as I slipped into the tub and sighed in contentment. "Skirts and sandals are out. We need coats and hats and gloves." She continued thoughtfully. She'd dressed me in dresses more than once in the last week, at least I could ask for jeans now. They were more weather-appropriate.

Some time later, she walked into the bathroom and laid a pile of clothes on a low table for me to change into afterwards. Then she balanced herself with her legs crossed on the edge of the bathtub. Her expression was thoughtful, and slightly guarded. I knew what she was thinking about.

"Alice," I began tentatively, "you really think I'm half human?"

She made a non-committal sound, as if it didn't really matter. She tried to keep it light, knowing how quickly I worried. I wasn't fooled though.

"You knew I had trouble being touched." I stated. I wasn't asking, only asking for an explanation.

"Yes." She said with a warm smile. "I could see you flinch every time I wanted to make some kind of contact. I never knew what bothered you. I thought you'd tell me in the end."

I cast down my eyes, looking at my submerged pale body. It seemed alien to me. The shape was still the same, but it still looked entirely different. Like apartments with the same lay-out, but which have been differently decorated by their owners.

I felt slightly ashamed, not having told Alice anything. I didn't know her very well yet. I'd only talked to her a little bit when I was still human. But we'd strongly bonded during the whole James thing. I owed her honesty, which I hadn't given her.

"You saw other things?" I asked, wondering whether I really wanted to know.

"Not much, not anything that makes sense." She bit her lip for a moment, seeming to deliberate whether to tell me or not. "Sometimes…I saw your future disappear completely. It all went blank. I had no idea what it meant. I still don't in fact. It's not like when I see someone dying."

I swallowed. Dying. I'd thought I was going to die, when James had me trapped at the dance studio. I'd seemed oddly all right with it then. Now was different. I was dead, kind of, in some way. Or only half-dead. But I still could die.

"Mostly," Alice continued, interrupting my train of thought, "I just see blurry images, non-connected flashes. Nothing that makes much sense."

"What does that mean?" I asked uncertainly.

"The future doesn't seem to settle. There are too many decisions to be made, by many different parties, and since no one really knows what's going on, no one knows what to decide. But you, Bella, I can never see you clearly. You're like a shadow, walking on the edge of the vision, just out of reach." Alice's eyes focused on something far away, far beyond the wall she was fixing. Her eyes weren't clouded like when she had visions, but I decided not to interrupt anyway.

"The pain," she began once she'd turned her gaze back on me, "is it exactly the same?"

"The fire? Yes, it's the same as when I changed."

"And you feel it with everyone except Edward?" She questioned further.

"Yes. You haven't touched me yet, though. So I don't know with you."

Alice shook her head. "I've seen your reactions in my visions. It was clear you didn't like it." She frowned for a minute. "Is that why you ran from the bear?"

"Mostly." I explained. "I also ran because it was a bear!"

She nodded understandingly. "You still see it the same way as before."

"Yes." I sighed, relieved that I could finally speak openly about it, and that she seemed to understand. "I didn't see the bear as prey. I saw it as a dangerous animal coming to rip my head off. And when I tried to jump it, like you'd showed me, I felt the…fire." I gulped as I remembered the agony. "I couldn't bring myself to try a second time."

I soaked for a bit longer while she played with the water, her fingers tracing intricate patterns in the clear liquid. She began humming again as I pulled on the layers of clothing she'd picked out for me. The large sweater looked much warmer than the thin blouse she'd given me before. And I was happy to find real pants this time, no skirt or dress. I felt safer, more covered, even if I didn't have trouble with the cold and wet anymore, it felt nice to be wrapped up again.

It was then that I was confronted. Finally, I wasn't able to avoid my own eyes. The mirror in the bathroom faced me, and I had to look at it. There it was: the familiar alien-like feeling. The feeling of recognizing a place you've never seen before, a song you've never heard before. Not like a superficial déjà-vu, but a deep resonance in yourself, knowing that you know this person standing in front of you, even when everything about her is strange. I saw Alice join the strange woman with the pitch-black eyes, so penetrating and dark. There was no doubt the girl was me. But those eyes were so… they were…I couldn't…

I frowned in frustration at my own inability to even put words to it. I couldn't make up my mind about what I thought of her. Who was she? What was she?

I could no longer bear those eyes on me. They were so dark, so hungry, so impenetrable. But I knew the fear that hid behind them, I felt it. I turned away from the mirror, dejected. "What's going to happen, Alice?" I sounded nearly whiny.

Alice bit her lip in embarrassment and frustration. "I don't know."

I'd dreamt again. I'd dreamt that the sun was giving off a surrealistic, blinding haze. It turned the world white. There might've been some childhood memories, but my human memories were so blurry already, that when blurred by the uncatchable dream haze, it was impossible to know.

I'd woken up this morning in a bed in what seemed to be a guest room in the house, realizing I'd fallen asleep on the couch in Edward's room after my bath and chat with Alice. I assumed he'd found me there when he'd come back from his hunting trip with Carlisle and had brought me to a real bed.

Having it happen a second time was still strange, but not so alarming anymore. Maybe I was getting used to being human again.

Standing in a shopping mall certainly made me feel human again.

"Let's go see some jewellery." Esme suggested as we walked from store to store.

Alice, Rosalie and I nodded in agreement and we all headed for the jewellery store.

It was actually a new experience for me. My mother had never worn real jewellery. She was more of a leather or shell kind of girl. She had feather-earrings too. No metal whatsoever, and certainly not any expensive kind.

Rosalie was immediately plunged in deep discussions about a collection of diamond necklaces with Alice. They both seemed to know a lot about it. They kept talking about carats and cuts. Alice of course knew what would go with each outfit she had ever seen, whether it was in her closet or a catalogue. Rosalie wasn't so attracted to the fashion value, more to the intrinsic value, and of course the glamour of it. As if Rosalie needed a diamond to dig an even greater gap between her and us mundane girls.

I tried to stay focused on what they were doing, but the entire world around me was screaming. Every footstep and every breath or word of the floor could be heard by my ears. My mind didn't know what to pay attention to. A human brain learns to sift through the information it receives and ignore what is not relevant. I felt like I needed to learn that process all over again. I reacted to every change in my environment. It had been hard already in the isolated Cullen mansion in the woods. Imagine what it was in a crowded mall in such a huge city.

While Rosalie and Alice were so preoccupied, Esme was just perusing the merchandise, but all the while throwing furtive looks my way. She was keeping an eye on me. That's why they'd all come, I concluded: the more eyes and arms to control me, the better.

It turned out though, like Edward had predicted, that there was not so much to control. Just like with the animals in the forests of the Olympic Peninsula, I had no desire whatsoever to suck out these people's blood. They were humans. I'd almost say fellow humans. They did not feel like a different species to me, or even race. However, I could not detect the same…comfort…I'd felt around humans before. I was aware I wasn't really one of them, though it was probably more psychological than instinctual, more because I knew I was different, than that I felt I was different.

And in a way, I'd also become much more fascinated with them. Humans, they had many flaws: tics, physical irregularities, sick hearts or lungs… I could see and hear all those things. And of course, their smells were overwhelmingly varied. I'd never smelled so many different things. Their own body smells were mingled with what they'd eaten, that of their pets, their perfume… But underneath, their individual smells, completely their own could be detected by my senses. Their blood particularly had many fragrances. But in no way was any of those associated with food in my head. The blood didn't smell like sewage, but it didn't smell appealing either, like a plate of spaghetti would have for me a few weeks ago.

I was able to interact with them quite normally. My social skills were still as mediocre as they'd been, I was sure of it; but the people around me clearly reacted differently than they did when I was fully human. It confused me, for I was certain I did not do anything different. I didn't trip over my own feet anymore. So yes, physically I was behaving differently, but my speech, though sounding nicer, was still as awkward as ever.

"Is there anything you like?" Esme asked me in a whisper as she saw me staring at some particular pieces under the glass countertop.

I shook my head. I'd just been thinking, and had no idea what I'd been staring at. Of course, everything in this store was beautiful, but the throng outside was more fascinating to me.

"My guess is they'll be glued here for a while." Esme said with a slight nod in the two vampire girl's direction. They had indeed not yet broken eye contact with the diamonds. "I'm sorry I proposed to come here if you don't like it."

"No, that's not it. It's very beautiful, very precious, all of it. But…" I turned my head to look outside. For some reason, I longed to be among the crowd. To move swiftly between them, unseen, observing. I felt shielded from them, invisible. It exhilarated me. I didn't understand it in the least. Was it a kind of hunting instinct maybe? Was it dangerous?

"You want to walk around for a bit?" She asked.

"But, you want to stay here, don't you?" I worried.

"I know the boutique's owner and I'd like to catch up a bit with her." She explained. "I think it's safe now. Amazingly, you don't seem to represent any danger to humans." She didn't add what consequences that might have for me. It was nice though that she looked at the bright side of it. It was indeed a big plus, not having to worry about killing anyone.

"Are you sure?" I insisted. I began to feel the thrill of adventure, of going off on my own. I'd always liked it, ever since I'd been allowed to go to school on my own. I hadn't been able to function independently for so long. I'd had someone around keeping an eye on me ever since James started chasing me. This would be a tiny window of freedom again. Maybe after this, I'd be able to accept Edward more. I wouldn't feel so oppressed by his presence and touch.

"Yes, Bella." Esme answered with an encouraging smile. I saw how she started leaning towards me, intending to touch my arm or give some other sign of affection by touch. But she soon remembered and pulled back again, instead infusing her eyes with even more warmth, since that was her only way of communication.

I thanked her and quickly slipped out of the store, probably too quickly for a human. It was my first time in public, and I still had to regularly remind myself to act human: fidget, shift my weight, move slowly. I had slowed considerably, my muscles having lost a lot of power, but I was still much faster than any human or animal. I forced my legs to slow down.

After a few minutes of walking around, looking at faces of adults, teenagers and children; and noticing all the different kinds of expressions they wore, I found that it would be more natural-looking for me to sit down to do the people-watching, for some store-workers would notice if I kept walking in circles on the same floor all the time. I'd promised Esme to not wander too far. We still had to be careful, what with me being a newborn in an entirely new environment.

I sat down on one of the many benches. A small girl with pink roller-skates on was enthusiastically licking her vanilla ice-cream. She seemed to be enjoying it tremendously, though the ice-cream did not smell appetizing at all. It was too sweet and thick. Human food seemed just as appealing as vampire food.

Next to the girl sat an elderly woman. It seemed safe to assume it was her grandmother. I wondered for a moment if the girl shouldn't be in school, but I was interrupted before I could think it through.

"Hi there, miss."

My head snapped around, maybe too quickly again, for the person in front of me seemed taken aback for a moment. But the boy soon relaxed and his smile reappeared. The boy had dark skin and dark hair, and was tall with sparkling amber eyes. He had the confident stance of a guy who was popular in school, the kind of guy who would never even have noticed me in the past, let alone talk to me.

"Uhm…hi." I responded hesitantly. Maybe I'd misunderstood and he was talking to someone else? But I didn't need to look around or behind me to know there was no one else he could be addressing. I was aware of everything just with smell and hearing alone.

"May I?" He asked, gesturing to the empty spot next to me.

"Yeah." I simply answered, feeling I should add something, but unable to come up with anything. I couldn't say 'well, you smell like dog', could I?

The spot next to me was narrow though, and he had to sit quite close to me. The heat coming off his body was like standing next to a boiling waterfall. It was so intense. And his smell was somewhat unusual. He did smell slightly like the dogs I'd seen today. But it wasn't an external smell of a pet, it was his own body smell.

"You here alone?" He asked, still in the same overly-friendly manner.

"No." I said. Then I remembered I should say more and added "My…family…is looking at jewellery."

"You don't like jewellery?"

"Not particularly."

First blank in the conversation. I looked away to hide my frown. What did this guy want?

"It wouldn't suit you anyway." He stated. "It would only lessen your beauty."

If I'd been human, I would've choked on my own tongue at that point. But being in control of my body, I was able to internalize my shock and simply stared at him with what I hoped was an impenetrable expression. My coal black eyes had been impenetrable when I'd seen them the day before.

"You don't believe me?" He asked. Had he noticed my reaction?

"I…well…no." I was starting to feel the urge to walk away and swiftly disappear out of this human's sight. But it would be unwise to act so 'inhumane' in such a public place.

"How is that possible?" He wondered. It disturbed me even more to see he was genuinely confused, not just flattering me. I had, of course, no answer to his question.

"What's your name?" He asked politely.

"Bella." I said before I could think. Should I use a nickname? I hadn't asked Esme that.

"I'm Kellen." He offered me his hand to shake it. Of course, there was no way I could touch him. It would torture me. "I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable." He apologized after retracting his hand. "You simply struck me as being really beautiful." His eyes sparkled like the diamonds I'd just seen at the store. "More than I've ever seen. Could…could I have your number?"

"No." Was my knee-jerk answer. "Sorry." I added with an apologetic smile in an attempt at sounding less harsh.

"Oh." He seemed genuinely disappointed. "All right then." He didn't insist as he got up again. Then suddenly, a grin appeared on his face as he turned around one last time. "By the way, I live at the reservation of La Push. So you know where to find me." And with that he walked away and blended into the crowd.

I was dumbstruck, partly by what had just happened, and partly by what he'd just said. La Push…he must know Jacob Black. Or was it wrong to assume they all knew each other? But I'd given him my real name. He didn't seem to know me or have recognized my name, but what if somehow he got word back to La Push that he'd seen me in Seattle? What if he told about me and Billy or Jacob Black, or the Clearwaters, or anyone who knew Charlie, and they recognized it?

I'd been stupid and reckless. I was supposed to have superior intelligence, or something like it. I certainly had showed no evidence of that right then.

Any thoughts? If there are questions, I'll answer them in an update.

Everyone is welcome!

Update:

In need of some encouragement for the next part :(