A/n: Thank you to all who read me, and to all who reviewed! I cannot help but beg for more, more and more of my food, my inspiration, my sustenance! Reviews!

.

.

Chapter 7: Red, Scarlet and Crimson

.

"Hey…mom…dad…uhmmm…you see…I'm a vampire." The smooth pale face frowned, the darkest eyes looked displeased. "Well, not exactly. I might…I mean…I don't drink blood or anything, but…I'll never age." The confusion grew stronger. The face stared back at me, cold and hard. "In theory, I'll still be seventeen at your funerals. But there's a chance I might die soon."

"Bella."

I jumped. I'd been so concentrated; I hadn't been able to hear Alice's feather-light footsteps. She leaned against the doorframe of the guest room, my room. Her arms crossed as she went on. "What in the name of God are you doing? We've all been listening to your speeches for the last hour or so."

I grimaced. Of course, it was the middle of the night, so everyone was home. I'd hoped maybe some were out hunting, or busy with their own things. I hadn't paid much attention to it.

As I came close to a month of vampire existence without sustenance, I felt more and more depressed, panicked, tired… And I had to admit, I was seriously thinking about…the end. However strong and resistant my vampire body was, without an input of energy, there was no way I was going to be able to face eternity. I could feel it. Something was draining out of me, sometimes slow, sometimes fast. And I'd started wondering if I didn't want to confess to my parents, the two most important people in my human life, before the definitive end came.

I'd been staring in the mirror, trying to see myself trough their eyes, trying to understand which differences they would notice most. And most importantly, how I could finally say it? How did you tell them what you were? How did you tell them all that was wrong?

The answer I'd come up with was: you can't. There is just no way you can get away with it and expect everything to go on, to be the same. Either way, I would break their heart. Whether I lived or died, they'd lost a daughter. I couldn't do that, could I? How could I even consider putting them in danger? Knowing the secret might put them in the line of sight of the Volturi. I'd heard they didn't tolerate humans knowing about them, unless they had plans for them.

"You're freaking out Edward." Alice whispered when I didn't answer her. She came closer so that her words wouldn't be heard by Edward who was probably in his room down the hall. Apparently, my words had reached his ears.

"How do you know?" I wondered, worried about what Alice could have seen.

"Now he's contemplating what he will do if you die." She replied, looking utterly displeased.

"I'm not going to die." I said out loud, intending for everyone, and mostly Edward to hear my reassurance. Question was if anyone would fall for it. It certainly wasn't how I felt.

Alice rolled her eyes at me, then pulled me onto the bed. I felt tired once again, and she let me put my head on her lap. "Sweety," she began as she played with long strands of my hair, "you're wrong about all of this. There is hope, even though you don't feel it."

"How do you know?" I asked, hope reviving that she might have seen a solution.

"Because I can't see anything."

"It's dark?" That didn't sound good…

"No, no. I mean, nothing has set yet. If you were dying, I would see that path more clearly. All possibilities are still wide open. We have to let go and see what happens." She sounded more annoyed by that last fact than she wanted to show. Waiting for the future to come had never been an option for Alice, and she wasn't particularly happy to have to wait like everyone else to know what would happen.

I wasn't happy either. And all I wanted was some happiness, some relief. I felt so burdened, so anxious and worried, and guilty over what I was doing to Edward. I could see him being affected by every one of my actions, and it rarely was a positive reaction.

If, like Alice said all possibilities were open, so if I came to…no longer exist, how could I convince Edward to keep on going, to stay with his family? He couldn't let himself be depressed by my death. And in any case, I felt confident that after a mourning period, he'd pick up again, and go on. He had eternity to do so. The Cullens could survive anything, and certainly the death of an insignificant girl.

"You don't believe me, do you." Alice accused gently as my eyes drooped.

"Hmmm." I mumbled, already far enough that my mouth wouldn't obey me.

"I can see shadows." She whispered into the darkened room. My eyes flew open immediately and I tensed, looking around for what she had seen. "No, Bella." Her twinkly voice soothed me as she pushed my head back down. "Not here. In my visions." She explained. I heard reluctance behind that sentence, as if she didn't really want to admit that fact. "First I thought it was always you, walking on the edge, just over the horizon, but I've realized there are more.

Bella, there are players in this game that will have a great influence on all of our futures, but we don't know them yet. All I can say is that they're not human, or I would've seen."

"Other vampires?" I questioned, looking up at her face hovering over me.

"Maybe." She said thoughtfully. But she didn't seem convinced.

"Oh." I finally understood. "The werewolves." It was no longer a question.

Alice pursed her lips. "I've talked about it with Jasper." She admitted. "We both think that we have to be prepared to interact with them. But it's hard, because we can't imagine what would make our path and theirs cross."

"But we still don't know if they really are werewolves." I countered. "I mean, the animal sightings could've been prompted by overactive imagination, or maybe the hikers were so hungry they were hallucinating."

Alice shook her head, unconvinced by my argument. "It's too much of a coincidence that they would see something matching a werewolf's description in that area."

I fell silent, thinking about the wolves again. Alice didn't disturb me and let me slowly drift to sleep.

When I woke up, it was almost noon already, and there was an awful smell hanging around me, overshadowing a much more delicious one, my favourite one.

I knew instantly that Edward was by my side. Because of the smell, but also because he was always there whenever I woke up, except the rare times that Carlisle made him go to school to keep up a semblance of appearances. Edward's attendance record had plummeted disastrously. Not that anyone cared about that, but he had to be seen once in a while with the rest of the family, at the table in the corner of the cafeteria, where another girl might be staring at the five of them, mesmerized by the beauty and mystery of the picture.

"Bella?" His voice made me shiver. I loved that sound, it made me want to embrace him, to throw my arms around him right that instant and bury my nose in his hair, which smelled better than anything existing on the planet.

But at the same time, I was annoyed that he was there, again. His presence was troubling to me for some reason I could not fathom. It was not the same kind of unsettlement I'd had when I was human. It went deeper. There was something else. Why can't I figure out what it is? I sighed in exasperation.

"Bella?" He repeated. Usually he always let me wake by myself; he never dared disturb my sleep. My curiosity was awakened by his apparent need for me to wake up.

I rolled over, coming face to face with…that face. A tiny bomb exploded in my head, fireworks everywhere. To me, his face was infinitely lovelier than Rosalie. Painfully so.

Edward's hair was flattened against the pillow. It was an unfamiliar sight, him lying on a bed. It was a comforting sight though, especially from my perspective. His face lightened up with a smile, but quickly turned to worry and sadness again. Why couldn't he just not care? Why did he have to kill me by being so affected? Why did he have to bury me in mounds of guilt and confusion?

His hand pushed back a few strands of my hair, lingering much longer there than was needed. His fingers brushing my ears felt warm and soft. I nearly closed my eyes again in delight. But I felt that there was something he wanted, so I waited for him to say it. Which he did after a few minutes.

"I brought you something." I watched his lips move as they formed the words. They were closer than usual. My behaviour had put a lot of distance between us.

For a moment, I was afraid he'd bought me something. I didn't want that. I had already weaselled my way into the family and the house, it was more than I deserved. But then I remembered that smell, it assaulted me once again. Something in the room, something warm, viscous, rusty. Oh, there was no doubt about it. Edward had brought me blood.

I did my best to hide my grimace as he rolled away to take something from the bedside table. And I couldn't help my body reacting to the news and the smell. It remembered all too well the last time it had been faced with the issue of blood. I felt my muscles tense in apprehension, and instinctively I shuffled farther away from Edward's body next to me.

When he turned back to me, his eyes took in my fear of him. I saw a glimpse of something pass through them, but he turned his head away before I could identify it. He kept looking at the ceiling as he handed me what he'd retrieved: a bottle.

The bottle was completely white and opaque, it was impossible to see what was in it. Nevertheless, there was no doubt in my mind about what it contained. The smell was coming from the lid, and the plastic was very warm in my hands.

"It's as fresh as it can be." He told me matter of factly.

I knew it was from an animal, but I did not have enough experience with hunting to know which one. The guilt came rushing back, guilt that a life had been lost. Edward must've seen it somehow (maybe he really had become an expert at reading my body language), because he said:

"Don't bear is alive. I did it the clinical way."

My eyes widened. "Wh…how?" I stuttered.

"I have three degrees in medicine, and one in veterinary medicine. I know how to draw blood without killing." His voice was distant and cold, and he still wasn't looking at me. I wondered if he was angry at me.

What he'd done, going so far as to keep the animal alive and bring me back the blood, it warmed my stone heart. I had to admit it was a ridiculous thing for me to feel, the guilt of taking an animal life. Surely, I'd eaten many animals during my human life. And the bear that Edward had allowed to live, might just be brought down by Emmett next week. But the idea that no one and nothing had had to die for me, by my fault, made the dark crimson liquid just a little less repulsive. It reassured me.

I had never expressed those feelings, that caring for the life we were absorbing from other creatures. I wondered how Edward had guessed. How had he found out? Through my body language too? Or…maybe I'd talked in my sleep?

In any case, it meant a lot to me that he'd respected my wishes, even the untold ones. "Thank you." I told him, sincerity flooding my voice.

It made him finally look at me. But his eyes were impassive, empty. He'd put a block somewhere on his own feelings, making them unreachable.

"I wanted you to try this at least once more, for you might not like what Carlisle is going to bring home today."

Curiosity flared up, with a strong sense of apprehension. Why would I not like what Carlisle had found? Would it put someone in danger? Would he have spent a lot of money?

Edward answered my questioning look. "Try this, okay?" He pleaded, his dark golden eyes melting into mine. His hand pushed the bottle closer to my lips.

I looked accusingly at the lid as I unscrewed it. Urgh. The smell was…a good idea of what the taste would be like. How could the others drink gallons of this stuff? How could they like it, crave it?

I stopped breathing, hoping it would help somehow, as I slowly brought the bottle opening to my mouth and reluctantly took in a mouthful. The effect was immediate. My body tensed, my stomach contracted, and I wanted to spit it out. But I didn't want to dirty the room, and Edward's eyes were begging me. He wasn't forcing me this time, so I decided I could do this, if not for me, for him.

I swallowed and felt nausea overwhelm me as the liquid went down my throat. At least, it lessened the dryness of it, the burning I'd become almost accustomed to. It relieved the relentless thirst I'd lived with for a month already. I took a second gulp and grimaced.

By the third gulp, it was no longer mind over matter. No matter how much I willed it to stay in, my body convulsed. I ran into the bathroom adjacent to the guest room and bent over the toilet. The clear water and the porcelain-white were covered in translucent scarlet. Then a second wave came up and the water turned completely red. The sight and the smell of it, and the sound of my own dry-heaving made me dizzy, and even when I was already emptied, my stomach kept contracting painfully. I gasped for air in panic, but was unable to get any oxygen in. Luckily, it was not a real problem, but it worsened my panic attack. A remnant of human instincts was telling me I would die if I could not get any air in my lungs.

Within a second of me bending over the toilet, Edward was behind me, holding my hair out of the way, rubbing my back and whispering words of reassurance. When I gasped for air he pulled me into his arms, but he was unable to do anything more. He could not control my body's reactions. He was just as powerless as I was.

"It's all right, Bella. You tried, I'm proud of you." He kept saying as he wiped away the blood on my lips and kissed my hair. I held onto him for dear life, substituting the oxygen for the feel of him against me.

We stayed there, simply standing for hours. Edward seemed to be taking advantage of my sudden tolerance of his touch and nearness. I was just as satisfied that for once, I could enjoy it, I could hold onto him.

We only let each other go once Carlisle had parked his car and come up the stairs. Edward, knowing what Carlisle was thinking, took my hand and led me out of my room, to his adoptive father's study. None of us really needed to sit down, I wasn't that weak, but it made things more civilized. For serious matters, the Cullens always took the care to sit down.

"Did Edward tell you my idea?" Carlisle asked me from behind his desk.

I shook my head, and the young doctor threw a surprised look at his son. "I heard you thinking it this morning, but I wasn't positive you were actually going to go through with it." He offered as an explanation. "Besides," He hesitated for an eternity, considering we all lived at a much faster pace than humans. "I thought it better that she heard about it from you."

Carlisle nodded. I too understood what Edward had meant. The family leader had a sense of calm, diplomacy, and professionalism to him. He was the voice of reason among us, while Edward was notoriously dramatic and passionate. For certain things, it was better to hear the facts from Carlisle. And the current situation between Edward and me could have made things worse if he brought me particularly bad news.

The blonde man placed his briefcase carefully in front of him, opened it and took out a transparent plastic bag. It was filled with crimson liquid. And this time, it was obviously not from a bear, nor any other animal.

I had no idea what expression could be seen on my face. I had frozen into a living statue, my gaze fixed on the bag. Edward also froze next to me, his hands clenched into fists. I recognized his position. I'd seen it enough in biology, which to me had seemed like utter loathing at the time. It was only later, in the meadow, that I truly understood that it had been craving, more intense than any existing to humans.

"Bella?" Carlisle questioned, sounding slightly worried. "Are you all right?"

"No." I didn't move, just spoke the word.

"What's wrong?" He was ready to stand up and join me on this side f the desk. Edward's attention was torn away from the bag of human blood, his eyes full of worry on me.

"I meant: no, I cannot touch that." I shook my head, refusing categorically to cooperate in Carlisle's plan?

"Why?" He asked. "Does it repulse you even more than an animal's?"

"No," I answered thoughtfully, "it actually smells rather appealing, but it's far from edible. It smells intense, like gasoline, like pure alcohol. But it certainly isn't something I wish to put in my mouth."

"But you were able to try the bear's blood this morning." Edward interjected. "Human blood is supposed to taste much better. Believe me." His voice shook on those last words as he remembered. He unconsciously leaned closer to me. I retreated a little in response.

"She's afraid." All three of us turned. The door of the study had opened, revealing Jasper, who walked in, calmly and slowly, his eyebrows pulled up into a deep frown as he stared at me. "There's fear, but I don't know why." He sounded frustrated.

Enough! I thought. What was this? An analysis of my psyche?

Suddenly, my legs had brought me down the stairs to the living room, where Esme and Alice were writing in notebooks. I guessed they were busy on some kind of mutual project. The three male vampires were quick to follow, Carlisle and Edward each with a bag of blood in hand. They put it down on the central table as Rosalie and Emmett joined the crowd. I tried not to be annoyed at having so many onlookers. I tried to remember that we were all family, all here to support each other, that it would be unfair and mean of me to want to exclude them from all this.

"Why are you afraid?" Jasper asked. He seemed deeply puzzled. Of course, the only thing he felt towards human blood was absolute craving, there was no room for any other emotion.

It was the first time since I'd become a vampire that I felt agitated, that I felt like I had to move, that I wasn't completely comfortable being absolutely still. I was on edge. I didn't like that they'd brought the blood down with them, as if they were facing me with it on purpose.

"Why don't you want to try it? We need to know if you are able to ingest this blood." Carlisle reasoned with me.

"Because!" I nearly yelled. I fought to keep my composure. It was weird; I wasn't usually a loud or aggressive. Had the vampirism changed my personality after all? "Until now, it seems I only got the hardware and not the software; the body without the instincts. But what if they're just not awakened yet? What if the taste of human blood, the food that my body is supposed to receive, triggers that instinct? What if I become a monster after this? What if I lose all my humanity at once?"

Everyone stared at me. I felt more like an outsider at that moment than I'd ever felt, even the first time I met the whole family. Carlisle was thinking, Jasper was analyzing, Alice was searching, Esme was worried, Emmet was stumped, Rosalie was disapproving, and Edward…was heartbroken. He looked like he was watching me die, or watching me go crazy. Maybe I was going crazy? Was the lack of nutrition making me paranoid? Would hallucinations be next?

After a prolonged moment of awkwardness, the doctor turned to the seer. "Alice?"

"I can't see what happens as long as she refuses to decide to try it." She shrugged apologetically. After Edward, she was the most in pain at the sight of me. I felt so pathetic. I felt so isolated and ridiculous.

"Try it." Edward said in what almost sounded like…a sob? No. NO! Tell me he isn't CRYING!

I couldn't watch that. I averted my gaze to look at the blood packs. When my eyes inevitably found his again, the expression had gone, replaced by that impenetrable barrier. He'd regained his composure. But if I asked Jasper, I was absolutely positive he would tell me Edward was in agony. He was just too passionate. It was going to kill him someday. I was going to kill him, and it would kill me. Our lives were unexplainably inextricable.

I walked over to the table and picked up one of the packs. It felt lukewarm to my skin, so it was probably quite cold. I watched the blood squirm around as I kneaded the pack gently, to liquefy it more. I couldn't believe I was even considering this. Was I really going to break the Cullen's rule, not to mention an important moral norm? It just wasn't ethical.

"What if I can digest human blood?" I asked Carlisle. "Are you going to keep sneaking out donor's blood for me? Blood destined to save other's lives?" Again, I would stand in the way of that if I did this. I would indirectly be responsible for the loss of life.

"We will find a solution. If only we have more information about your condition, we'll b able to make informed decisions." As I'd said, the voice of reason.

If only my heart were still beating, it would've been ready to jump out of my chest by now. My breathing had certainly sped up once more. I brought the pack to my mouth, very slowly. Even more gently, I bit through the plastic, making a small hole to access the contents. The moment I ripped through, there was a sharp intake of breath from everyone around me, and then nothing. They'd all stopped breathing.

A trickle of scarlet came out from the small puncture. Suddenly, every pair of eyes was on it, except Carlisle again, who was the only one pretty much unaffected. The room was filled with blood-thirsty vampires once more. It made me feel human again. And I felt it, that a part of them, the monster in them, was ready to kill me on the spot to get what I had. Only now it wasn't in my veins anymore, but in my hands.

I was so very lonely, and penetrated by sadness. I brought the pack to my lips and sucked. I drank, as much as I could. But halfway through the pack, my throat flamed even more than before. The flames spread from my oesophagus to the rest of my body. I screamed in agony and dropped the pack. But instead of being paralyzed from the pain, I felt a surge of energy. Already the human blood filled me with strength. And I couldn't bear the other's stares anymore, couldn't bear the hunger in their eyes.

I was a few miles from the house before I even realized I'd started running. I had a head start, for the others had been too preoccupied with keeping control, especially Jasper, to come after me. I was as fast as on my first day as a newborn.

But the burst of energy couldn't last. The pain was unbearable, and my stomach acted up again. The blood soon found its way into the damp earth of the Olympic Peninsula. I wasn't very well aware of what I was doing. I'd never taken drugs, but I'd been drunk before. This felt similar.

I lost patches of time as I stumbled through the bushes. The blood having been rejected, I lost all of my energy at once, reduced to an almost human pace again. I kept going, not knowing what I was doing or where I was going until the forest began to thin.

"Bella?"

Who was it this time who said my name? And why did I have to hear that name so much these days, always with that worrying tone!

I looked up, extracting myself from my daze. There, a tall silhouette flanked by trees. Somewhere in the background, I was aware of the sound of waves crashing onto a beach. The person who'd spoken came nearer, and my vision became clearer.

Oh yes. I had just run into Jacob Black.

.

.