As ever, big thanks to all the lovely people who read and review and follow and favourite this story!

Another emotional one & quite long too. The secrets out but Loki still has questions… Hope you enjoy!

o

Chapter Eleven:

Explanations

"Why did you not tell me?" he roared, "Why did you lie?"

"Because you hate me, Loki!" Efanna shouted, stunning Loki into silence. He had never heard her raise her voice before.

"You hate me," she continued in a whisper, tears falling down her cheeks.

"And that's okay. Because I always knew you were going to. It's a part of who you are and I love you regardless. But I didn't realise how much it would hurt…"

Her voice trailed off in a low sob as tears dropped from her chin and splashed on the floor. Loki could only stare.

"To love someone so completely and be hated in return… But even still. You were here. I could talk to you, laugh with you; even when you attacked me, you were here. For so long I've watched the lives of others, had their friendships, their loves so starkly throw into contrast the lack of my own. Even though you hated me, even though it hurt, you were still here. And I thought… Sweetly, dreadfully, I hoped, that maybe you could learn to trust me. Maybe, even if you could never love me that at least one day you might no longer hate me. That maybe, if you could grow to know me without knowing my secret, that when you finally learned of it you might be able to forgive me.

"It was selfish. It was cruel; especially as I know of your past, of the things that had been kept from you then. But you know, Loki, you know what it is to be alone. If I had told you, your hatred of me would have been irrevocable. And I couldn't bear that pain.

"I couldn't make you hate me more than you already do. I couldn't take away that sweet, dreadful, hope of not being alone. I'm sorry."

Silence fell. Efanna looked at him as though he held an axe over her head. As though she fully expected him to swing it for what she had just admitted to. Her pale face was streaked with tears but she made no move to wipe them away.

"The things I have Seen… I know things that I have no right to," she whispered, now looking at the floor, "I never wanted to know them – if I had a choice I wouldn't – but that doesn't absolve me. You have every right to hate me. But I never lied to you. I should have told you, I know I should, but I never lied. I could never have done that to you…"

Her eyes met his again and she looked as though she were breaking apart.

"Loki, you mean so much to me! More than I ever thought you would, even though I've Seen us together. I know what you must think of me but… I- I couldn't bear the thought that I might lose you. I- …

"Loki- I- I'm sorry," she breathed, before slowly standing up.

She took one last look at him, biting her lip in an expression of anguish and then turned and fled. Her dog gave him a long look before he followed his mistress, leaving Loki alone with the images of his life.

For a long while Loki could do nothing but sit there. Her reason had shocked him. He had expected that it might be because she feared his anger, his retaliation, should he find out. That would have been sensible. He wouldn't have been surprised if she had kept her secret purely to infuriate him, to have some power over him, to use it to her advantage, to ridicule him, to abuse him with it.

Never had he expected this.

To keep it from him because she didn't want him to hate her? Because she valued his companionship so much that she feared to lose it? If it had been anyone else these reasons would only have angered him further. Who would want his companionship? Who would fear his hatred for any reason other than the danger it would put them in? But Efanna was right. She hadn't lied to him. Not in the whole time he had known her and not now. She had fully accepted his disregard for her. She had expected him to punish her and saw that as reasonable. After everything he had done she truly wanted to gain his forgiveness. She had not even once suggested that he might need to gain hers. Somehow, even knowing everything about his life she saw herself as the guilty party.

How?

How could someone see him in such a way? His birth parents had abandoned him. Those who he had once called friend had betrayed him. Those who had raised him had cast him out. There was not a single creature in the universe that wanted him. How could she? If she knew everything about his life, every secret he had tried to keep, every lie he had told, every inadequacy he had tried to hide, every crime he had committed… How could she possibly claim to love him?

And yet she hadn't lied.

Loki's emotions had long since shut down and he now sat in a dazed stupor as thoughts and questions and Efanna's whispered words flew through his head. He didn't know how long he stayed like this until he came to his senses.

He was Loki Silver-Tongue. The betrayed King of Asgard. He should not allow himself to be sent into such a state of confusion by a mere mortal. What she had said had made no sense and so he needed to make sense of it. She had given him a brief explanation, that she had 'visions' which had allowed her to 'see' his past; but this gave no explanation as to why she saw it fit to believe that she loved what every other creature loathed. There was still more she had to tell him. If he was going to understand this situation he must know all there was to know.

He stood up and crossed the room, leaving the pictures of his accursed life. He wanted no reminders of his past. Efanna would not be hard to find. There was nowhere she could run. When he searched the house however, there was no sign of her. He returned to the courtyard, scowling. If she was wandering these wretched hills then finding her would be more difficult. He cast his eyes to the ground, trying to find some sign of the direction she might have taken whilst considering what he knew of her and determining where she was most likely to have gone.

That tree, he decided after a moment. The girl seemed to have some strange connection to the plant, though why she felt she could gain comfort from mere vegetation he didn't know. As he made his way across the fields, his strides quick and purposeful, he was fully prepared to once again demand answers from her and not relent until she had told him every last detail. What he found, however made him pause.

Efanna sat, unmoving, at the base of the tree with her forehead resting against the bark. She was completely drenched; where her hair had been damp before, it was now dripping and the thin long-sleeved top and leggings she wore were soaked through. There were streaks of mud across her clothing and her hands and feet were plastered in it. Her dog sat at her back, watching Loki with calm but wary eyes as though warning him against hurting his master any further.

It was a pitiful sight, and for once Loki let pity guide his actions. Besides, he would get no answers from her in this state, and these mortal bodies were so weak that they would both catch their deaths if they remained in this weather for long.

"Efanna," he called, quietly.

Loki heard a pause in her breathing and she slowly turned her head to him. The dreadful mixture of fear and hope in her eyes sickened him.

o

Efanna sat there as Loki simply stared, the pictures of his life creating a wall between them. She couldn't bear the silence. Couldn't bear the way he looked at her. The way he looked so hurt and it was all her fault.

"Loki- I- I'm sorry," she breathed, finishing her lame excuses.

Slowly she got to her feet. He would need space. Time to think things over, come to terms with what she'd just told him. She took one last look at him and what little composure she had left broke. She ran.

She paused briefly se she stepped into the rain, half hoping that he would call her back, tell her he forgave her, that he didn't hate her after all. But of course he didn't, and she immediately hated herself for being so foolish as to have thought that he might. A fresh wave of tears cascaded down her face, mingling with the rain. She started running again, not caring where she went, nor that she was barefoot and that the rain was already plastering her thin clothes to her skin. She just had to get away.

The mud squelched beneath her feet and several times she slipped and fell, but she kept going. She couldn't stop. She just wanted to run until there was nowhere left to run to. Until the world swallowed her up and nothing else mattered. Loki's face haunted her as her breath tore through her lungs. His eyes, so full of anger, and hurt, and confusion, and frustration, and humiliation, and pain. And it was all her fault. She'd wanted to help him. To prove to him and to herself that they were both worthy of a friend. Instead she had ruined her chance. Why couldn't she have just told him?

A small part of her mind whispered that he wouldn't have reacted any better even if she had, but she couldn't face that sort of logic and it was no real comfort to her anyway. She was too overwhelmed with the pain of her loss. The loss of the only person she had ever come close to calling a friend. The loss of the hope that someone might be able to forgive her for her endless intrusion into their lives. All this time she had hoped that with her knowledge she might be able to make a difference. To help. And now she felt that she had failed.

Without knowing it her legs took her to her mother's tree. Her tree. She collapsed at its trunk with a sob and truly let herself wail, not just cry but sob and scream. She rested her head against the bark and felt the tree's Memories trickle though. They were far simpler than those of sentient creatures. Just the flow of water from its roots through its stem, the gentle warmth of sunlight on its leaves, the fleeting touches of sheep, or birds, or insects. Slowly her breathing calmed and she once again cried in silence. She felt Pip nudge her shoulder but she didn't have the strength to respond. He didn't press her and instead lay down behind her, his back pressing against hers.

Slowly Efanna drew a deep shuddering breath. She was alone again. That thought pierced her heart with a hollow ache. She had had her chance and let it pass her by. But she still had Pip. She still had her farm, her art, her sheep, her hens. She had survived like this for ten and a half years and she could still do so now. It didn't matter that Loki hated her, not really. It just hurt.

"Efanna."

Loki's voice almost made her jump. She had not expected him to follow her. His expression was guarded, calculating

"You need to come back inside now," he told her, his voice as careful as his expression.

Numbly she nodded, suddenly realising that she was shaking violently. As she clumsily stood she realised that if she was anyone else she would probably be at risk of pneumonia right now, considering she'd been sat outside in the October rain for considerably longer than was wise without any form of coat. Or shoes. Pip looked up at her, sticking close to her legs, worry written all over his doggy face. She reached one hand down to him and gave the tip of his ear a little fuss. He was absolutely sodden and she suspected she was too. They were going to make one hell of a mess of the floor.

After giving her a long look, Loki set back down the hill. Slowly Efanna followed, finding her shivering limbs were a little unreliable and that her bare feet didn't provide much purchase on the muddy grass. She slipped a couple of times, but managed not to fall over like she had before.

When they finally reached the cottage, Efanna could barely stand she was shaking so strongly. Loki looked her over sceptically before shoving a towel in her arms and grabbing one to dry his own hair. Efanna tried to thank him, but her teeth were chattering so wildly she couldn't get the words out. He watched her silently as she tried to scrub most of the mud from her hands and feet before grabbing another towel and giving Pip a brief rub down. He leaned into her shoulder as she did so and she wrinkled her nose at the wet doggy smell.

When both towels were dirtied beyond further use, Efanna steeled herself to look back at Loki. His face was carefully expressionless and he watched her intently. She tried to say something, but once again the chattering of her teeth got in the way; not that she could think of anything anyway.

"Go and change your clothes," he told her.

Efanna nodded again and went to her bedroom as quickly as she could. She could feel Loki's eyes on her as he followed her through the house, but thankfully he stopped in the lounge. She peeled off her sodden clothes in the bathroom and grabbed another towel, wrapping it around her as she darted to her bedroom, not wanting Loki to catch her undressed when she already felt so vulnerable. Thankfully he was nowhere to be seen but she quickly dried herself properly and re-dressed in the warmest clothes she owned, not putting it past him to barge in should he feel that she was taking too long. He didn't though, and thankfully the majority of the mud had already come off downstairs so she didn't have to worry about dirtying clean clothes.

Her shivering slowly started to calm down, and her mind calmed with it. Loki's response had been better than she'd expected. He hadn't hit her, or strangled her. At least not yet. He'd only even shouted at her once. Slowly she allowed the smallest bit of her former hope trickle back in. Maybe if he would let her explain then she might still have a chance to ease his hatred of her, at least a little. Maybe they might still be able to return to some measure of their former relationship.

o

Loki sighed as he attempted for the third time to light the fire he had prepared in Efanna's grate. This was a task which was far simpler with magic. Finally the kindling caught on his fourth try and he moved back to sit on the armchair that faced the fire, knowing Efanna would need the warmth of the one next to it. She was worrying him. He was well used to mortals looking at him in fear – such a thing was to be expected, encouraged and enjoyed. Efanna, however, looked more in expectation than in fear of pain from him and yet gave no signs of trying to discourage him, nor fighting back, nor even running away. She had been quite eloquent in her assertions that the human race would not simply roll over and let him do what he wanted and yet she appeared to be allowing him to treat her exactly as he pleased. What's more there was a gentle sadness in her eyes whenever she looked at him that he was sure was not in relation to her own state of affairs.

He sat back and watched the flames gently lick the undersides of the logs. Strangely Efanna's dog was doing the same thing. Loki had expected him to follow his master upstairs but instead he had settled himself on the rug and watched him intently at he built the fire. Loki had the strange sensation that he was assessing him somehow.

Efanna descended the stairs just as the first of the logs were beginning to catch. As Loki turned to watch her he noted that she seemed to have regained a measure of her composure. She was no longer shaking, although she looked towards the fire with gratitude, and she seemed to have lost the haunted look about her eyes that had so disturbed him. In short, she once again looked like Efanna, rather than the shivering wreck he had found by the tree.

She gave him a weak smile and hurried to the armchair by the fire, putting the fireguard up and edging the chair closer. She curled herself into a ball, pulling her legs up inside the ridiculously large hooded jumper she was wearing. Once again she had sucked in the bottom corner of her lip as she turned to face him, her gaze apprehensive, but determined.

"Tell me how it works," he said after a moment's contemplation of her.

Efanna looked surprised at his tone; his voice had almost been gentle and it surprised even him. She nodded quickly and then turned to stare into the fire, her brow creasing slightly with concentration. This time, Loki gave her time to frame her response.

"So…" she started, giving him a quick glance, "I have Visions. Like I said before, I don't know why. I just do. Have done all my life, for as long as I can remember."

She paused and tilted her head slightly as she looked at him, once again biting her lip. Loki felt as though she was judging his reaction and kept his face carefully blank.

"I have no control over them," she continued, quietly, "Like I told you before, I don't know when they'll hit me, and every time they knock me unconscious. It's like my body can't cope with two realities and so it shuts off the real one when my Visions come. I never have any idea what I'll see and there's no way I can control that either. It's not like scrying or fortune telling or anything else like that where you ask a question and See something that will answer it. It's more like what I See is being forced on me, like someone else is deciding and then showing me. I wish it wasn't like that, but there's really nothing I can do, I've tried everything I can think of…"

Efanna broke off and looked at him pleadingly, as though begging him to understand and believe that she had not asked to See any of his life. Grudgingly, Loki accepted this. Once again, Efanna was not lying to him. He nodded his head briefly, partly to tell her he understood, partly to tell her to continue. She gave him a small smile as if in thanks.

"As I told you, for some reason these Visions have always centred on a specific set of people. You-" She broke off and gave him an apologetic look. "-Your b- Thor; Tony Stark, who you'd know as Iron Man; Steve Rodgers – that's Captain America; Bruce Banner, aka The Hulk; Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton, who you know quite well after you took control of his mind."

She broke off and gave him a reproachful look then. "That's one of the things I'm not particularly happy with you about. But anyway…"

She cast her eyes back to the fire.

"That's pretty much it, apart from myself, and a little bit of my Mam. Occasionally I'll See something where none of you lot are actually involved, but which somehow significantly impacts on your life. It seems to be that I only See the parts of your life that are somehow important, even if I can't really figure out why yet. Thankfully I don't See everything – I don't think I have enough room for an additional seven lives in my head, especially yours and Thor's. The way I see it, it's all very strongly connected to Fate, although I'm not sure if that's something you believe in."

She paused again, watching him as if to see how he was taking this in. Impatiently he waved a hand, telling her to continue.

"I See things in all three states of time – the past, the present and the future – although for a long time I didn't have any way of knowing which one I was Seeing. As I've gotten older, my Visions have become … clearer. I can get a sense of them now, how close they are to happening now, or at least my now, but it's still very imprecise. Like I can tell if something happened a long time ago, or will happen a long time in the future, or if it was more recent, but unless I See something like a watch, with the date and time on, I don't have any precise notion of when. And because I See so much, in so many different times, my particular notion of when tends to get a little confused. I know of certain things that haven't happened yet, and lots of things that happened ages ago, but I only found out about yesterday. That's probably been the hardest part of being with you all this time, making sure I get my whens in the right order, but at least with you it's generally fairly simple now that Manhattan's over."

"So you know of what will happen in the future?" Loki asked, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

"Partly," she answered, carefully, "Because the future hasn't happened yet, none of it is really … fixed … There are still lots of things that could change it that could be done in the present, or the future before that particular future. Every now and then I see something that only seems to have one possibility, and I assume it's because those things are Fated somehow. But generally what I See are just possibilities, lots of different things that could all happen at that particular moment. Sometimes some look more possible than others, but generally they're all equal and all subject to change until someone actually makes a decision that would define that moment. And so I don't really know what will happen until it actually does, just a few of the more probable possibilities, and which one I'd prefer to happen, or not to happen in certain cases. Does that make sense?"

Loki nodded, his agile brain quickly wrapping itself around the concept.

"Can you change these possibilities?" he questioned.

"Sort of. Yes; maybe; no," she answered, vaguely.

"That covers all the options," Loki replied sarcastically. Efanna gave him another small smile.

"Because I don't know which choices will lead to which outcomes there's not really much I can do to alter them," she explained, "If there's something I really don't want to happen, like- … someone getting really hurt … Then I can try and do what I can to make sure other people don't make decisions that would cause that, but I never know whether my interference will cause them to make those decisions in the first place… So it's possible that I could make one possibility more possible than others, but only possible, not certain. And if something is Fated then I don't think there's anything I could do, no matter how hard I tried."

"There were a lot of 'possible's in that explanation," Loki commented dryly.

"One thing that I've learnt with this whole thing, is that everything is possible and nothing is certain, although certainty itself is possible, just as impossibility is possible, but each are only possible and not certain, or impossible… If that makes any sense at all…"

"I think I get the gist of what you are stumbling towards," Loki said slowly, "None of this however, explains why you find it necessary to believe you … love me. I shall accept your reasoning for not telling me this sooner, but I cannot understand it."

Efanna gave him another of her gentle similes.

"I don't suppose you'd accept 'because I just do' as an answer?" she asked.

"No," he answered firmly, his brow furrowing slightly. Surely she did not think she could wriggle out of telling him now?

"It's okay," she placated, "I will tell you. It's just love is a very complicated thing, Loki, and I'm not entirely sure you'd accept any answer I gave you, no matter how complete."

She looked into his eyes then and that gentle sadness once again filled hers. Loki broke eye contact sharply and told her to continue her explanation. Efanna sighed.

"I guess this is the tricky bit … and the bit that you're not going to like …"

Her expression became anxious again, his hard.

"I don't just See things," she admitted, "It's more that I … experience them…"

"Go on," he told her darkly. She sighed again.

"It's not like I'm just watching whatever I See, I also … feel it. I experience the emotions of those I See, and know their thoughts as if they were my own. It's not as strong as it is actually living it of course, but … it's enough. It's enough for me to understand what happened."

Loki sat in stony silence for a while. So she had not only seen his entire life, but also felt his every emotion and heard his every thought. Could he have no secrets from this abominable woman? Was everything that he was to be laid bare in front of her? As her expression grew ever more apprehensive he realised that this was the reason for her comments about 'understanding' and 'knowing' him. This was the reason she treated him with such familiarity and intimacy, even when they had first met.

"So you truly do know everything about me," he muttered darkly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, bowing her head again.

"You're sorry?" he asked, his tone harsh now, his voice raising, "You're sorry? Why do you keep saying that? If what you have said is true then none of this is your fault so why must you feel the need to constantly apologise?"

"Because it still happened! Just because I didn't chose it doesn't mean that it isn't wrong for me to know these things! It doesn't mean that it doesn't upset you! I know things about you and your life that you would never have told me. That you never would have and do not want me to know. Even if that is not my choice I still know! Of course I should have to apologise for this knowledge that I have no right to!"

Loki stared at her incredulously. How could any creature truly be so selfless as to take blame for something that was beyond their control? It was madness! If it had been he who had had this knowledge, through no fault of his own, he would have revelled in it, used it to his advantage and yet she regretted it and still felt bad! Why did she persist in feeling guilty when she had done nothing wrong?

For if she saw herself as guilty for so small a thing what could she possibly think of him, who truly was guilty and of far worse crimes?

He froze as he realised what he had just thought. Had he really worried about how she saw him? Did he? He could not understand how she could possibly love him if everything she had said was true, but did he actually care?

No. Such a thing was preposterous, as was the very fact that she believed to love him in the first place. The foolish mortal had obviously just deluded herself, not that it mattered to him anyway.

"Is there anything else you have been hiding from me?" he asked, somewhat coldly.

"Yes…" she replied, in such a small voice and looking so down-heartened that Loki felt his temper drop.

"Tell me," he demanded, but in a far gentler voice.

"It's not just when I get these random Visions that I See things. Also, whenever I touch things with my bare skin I… sort of get access to their memories, or maybe their history would be a better way of putting it. Whenever I touch something I am told, or I See everything that's ever happened to that thing. Physical things though, rather than thoughts or emotions so it's not quite as … invasive as my random ones.

"Again, I can't control it, in that it always happens if I touch something with my bare skin. These don't knock me out, although they kinda shut everything else out for a bit, and if there's a lot to … sort of download, or if there's something particularly violent or traumatic in that thing's past then I can completely lose control of myself until it's over. If I can keep on top of it though, it's barely noticeable, so I try and touch everything at least once a day. And if I keep my skin covered then I only get the Memories of whatever's covering my skin, rather than whatever I'm holding or touching. It happens with everything you see, inanimate objects and plants as well as sentient beings like humans, or, well … Asgardians…"

"So that's why you've always been so careful not to touch me; why you always wear those gloves?" Loki asked.

Efanna nodded. "I won't invade your privacy any more than I can possibly avoid," she said, solemnly.

Loki stared into the fire as he digested this new piece of information.

"Thank you," he said, without really realising it. Efanna didn't respond, but when he looked back at her she looked surprised but enormously grateful for his words.

"Is that all now?" he asked, trying to brush over his moment of weakness.

"Not quite…" Efanna admitted sheepishly, "I have a couple more … abnormalities."

Loki raised his eyebrows. This was certainly not an ordinary human.

"I seem to have this strange ability to heal," Efanna started to explain, "I'm guessing it's so my Visions don't kill me. Like you saw the other day – they can put me in kinda dangerous situations. But my body heals so quickly that it doesn't seem to matter much. The more serious the injury, the faster I seem to heal, but the more energy it seems to take. Like if I get a bruise it'll be gone within a couple of days and I'll barely notice it; but when I fell down the stairs that time, everything healed almost instantly, but I was really tired for hours afterwards."

Loki nodded. This was unusual, but fairly self explanatory and did make some sort of sense.

"Anything else?"

"Just one more thing," she confessed, looking apologetic, "… I can't forget."

She paused then, and looked into the fire, her brow creasing with an enduring pain.

"Ever since I was old enough to properly remember, I haven't been able to forget anything. Every second of my life, I remember every one of them. And that goes for the things I've Seen too…"

Her voice became quiet and the pain in her eyes grew. Loki thought back to the pictures of his life. The things she had drawn there were mostly memories he did not wish to recall himself. If she, a mere human, had experienced, even in a lesser form, the pains of his past and was now incapable of forgetting them…

"It's why I draw those pictures," she whispered, "To sort it all out. Stop my head from imploding. The important parts of people lives – certainly the people I See… they're almost always painful… It's a way to help me cope. I still can't forget them, but at least I don't have to remember them all the time…"

Okay, what d'you think? This one was quite hard to write as it was a massive emotional rollercoaster and Loki in particular kept switching from head to heart and back again. I hope I did okay!