Chapter 47

Why Aren't You Back In The Tree Baking Cookies?

Quinn's POV

WHAT THE FUCK?

That was my first thought as I woke up in a strange bed, feeling like I'd been skull-fucked by John Holmes. My vision was blurry and I heard something that sounded like a fucking munchkin somewhere near me but I couldn't find it.

"Down here, asshole! Fucking supes, always assume everyone is as tall and big as they are."

I stand corrected, it's gotta be a troll. Munchkins are supposed to be happy aren't they?

I heard the sound of a chair scraping across the floor and it echoed inside of my aching head like a bomb blast. I jumped when the troll popped up beside of me.

"Mother fucker! Don't you know not to scare people like that? Fuckin' midget, you 'bout gave me a heart attack!" The sound of my own voice hurt more than I could have imagined. I must be in bad shape. I closed my eyes and lay my right forearm across my eyes to block out the light.

"Mr. Quinn, I'm Dr. Ludwig, the fucking midget who saved your life. I came in here to see how you're doing but I just realized I don't give a shit. Here's what you need to know, you're going to live. Now fuck off!"

I heard the evil little mini-me looking doctor hop off the chair and waddle out of the room. Pocket sized people scare me and I was glad it left. I was feeling like I might go back to a happy state of unconsciousness when I heard movement in the doorway again.

"Go the fuck away! Isn't there a Lollipop Guild meeting you should be at?"

"That depends, is the Lollipop Guild some new sex club I haven't heard about?" Well fucking-A, Pam was here.

I tried to sit up but the pain of moving proved to be way too much. I smiled at her weakly. Damn, she looked f-i-n-e fine.

"Want me to raise the bed up for you?" Damn straight I did. She'd have to lean over to reach the controls and when she did, I'd be able to see right down her top. I nodded, trying to be inconspicuous.

So she did and then I did, and what a view it was. Vamp or not, this bitch had a rack on her. I was much obliged.

"Well, it good to see that the important parts still work." she deadpanned and nodded towards Mr. Stripey who was standing at attention. "If you wanted to see my tits, you could've just asked."

"Can I see your tits, Pam?"

"I didn't say I'd let you did I?" Her smile was amused. I liked her sense of humor a lot, but not as much as I liked the boobs.

"Well, you can't blame me for wanting the full vision of your glorious bosoms."

"So, not that I give a good goddamn, but how are you?" She sat down in the chair that the doctor had used as a step-stool and eyed me up and down. Was I imagining that her eyes lingered on my.... surely I was hallucinating, right?

"Well, it hurts everywhere, I badly need to take a massive shit, my eyes aren't focusing and I have seemed to have popped a boner at a most inopportune time. Oh yeah, I don't know where the hell I am and I was assaulted by one of those cookie baking Keebler elves. Other than those minor complaints, I'm frosty as fuck."

"Well, you should be thankful that you're even alive, that damn Asian assassin cut us both up pretty badly. I never even heard her coming." She smiled a little sly smile. I knew she was thinking about the same thing I was. How could I have forgotten what we were doing when we had almost ended up as sushi?

I had just gotten through telling the Queen my suspicions about the King and had walked out of the court. Pam had been waiting outside and had waved me over to where she stood in an open doorway. I had followed her inside.

"Uh, Pam, we're in a closet."

"Yes we are tiger." and then I had felt her hands on my zipper and belt buckle.

We had been pretty engrossed in our little game of Post Office, some body parts were being fondled, a finger or two might have been inserted somewhere slippery and chilly and I'm pretty sure at one point my balls were being tongued. Then that fucking fortune cookie eating bitch of a vampire had opened the door and started slicing and dicing us like a fucking food processor. We hadn't stood a chance, we had no room to maneuver to even try and fight back before she had us cut up and was dragging our bleeding carcasses to the court room.

I really didn't remember anything after that, until now.

"So, you come to spring me from this hellhole, babe?"

"Sure thing. Where do you need to get to?"

"Can I come home with you? I'd like to get a chance to finish what we started before. Shit! I don't even know what day it is."

"You've been out for four days, tiger."

"So, how's the rest of our little entourage? We didn't lose anyone did we?"

"We nearly lost Sookie, but she's more than fine now. Eric turned her."

"No fuckin' way! Sam Merlotte is gonna shit twice and die." I wouldn't wanna be the guy who had to deliver that bit of news. Sam might be a wiry little dude, but he had a Texas sized temper.

"Yeah, he stopped by Fangtasia last night looking for her. I told him I hadn't seen her. Which wasn't a total lie. I hadn't seen her, not since the night she emerged anyway." I nodded, knowing what I did about vamps, I was aware of how one was made and all the rest of that mystical mumbo jumbo.

"Babe, you don't seem too happy about this. Everything kosher or what?"

She looked like someone who really needed to talk and I wanted to be the one she opened up to. I was really digging her and chicks liked guys who listened or at least pretended to.

"I guess I'm just feeling a little displaced right now. Don't get me wrong doll, I love Sookie dearly and I'm happy for the two of them. I guess it's that their happiness is a mirror that I have to look into and in it I see all that I don't have. I don't know how I fit into this new arrangement." She looked lost and I really wanted to hug her or grope her ass, I wasn't sure which. "You should know that the Queen has released you from your servitude."

Yippee-ki-yay, son of a bitch! That was some good fucking news!

I heard those shuffling waddle sounds coming back. So much for the elation and joy! I rolled my eyes and looked at Pam. "Please get me the fuck out of here!"

Dr. Shortshit came back in and glared at Pam. "Did the goddamn Viking send me my money?"

Pam pulled an envelope out of her handbag and passed it off to her. "Here you are, Dr. Ludwig. Payment in full. Is he free to leave now?"

"I don't give a rat's ass what you do with him. Take him out back and roll him off the hill for all I care, just get him the fuck outta my hospital." Then off it went, shuffling and cussing like a hobbit with Tourette's.

"To answer your question, yes you may stay at my home, but I will expect some sort of restitution for the inconvenience. Maybe not right away, but when you're healed. And I have some pretty specific ideas. How do you feel about handcuffs and ball gags?"

Amazing! I was feeling so much better already!