A/N: I've made this announcement on my facebook and twitter accounts, but for those of you who do not follow…

After a lot of thought…the next three Late Night chapters will be titled "Swan Songs". I'm going to tie up some loose ends and bring the story to a close. I can't begin to express how grateful I am to everyone who has supported Late Night Thoughts- 20 years later.

It's been a pleasure writing this collection of shorts and continuing the Grey's story. I'd like to thank everyone who has supported this story. I appreciate all of the reviews, PM's, and friendships that developed through fanfiction.

The next three chapters will fast forward past the twenty years…so without babbling on and on…let's get the show on the road….

You may need a Kleenex...

Swan Songs- Part 1 of 3

August , 2036

"I'm so proud of you Teddy. You have become such an amazing young man". I choke up as I straighten Teddy's black bow tie.

"Mom, stop crying, you're going to ruin your makeup" He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a linen handkerchief, dabbing the tears rolling down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry; I know I'm a mess. I just can't believe my baby boy is getting married. It's a big day; Maddie is a lucky girl"

"I'm the lucky one Mom" he grins as he looks down at me.

"Maddie is a wonderful girl. You make such a beautiful couple" The tears begin to fall again.

"I glad you like her. It means a lot to me. You really have to stop this crying." He cocks his head to the side, just like his father, and dabs the tears from my face.

"I love how she loves you. I see it in her eyes, the way she looks at you, like you're the only person in the room. That, my darling son, is the look of love."

"It's how Dad looks at you, Mom."

I blush.

"Yes, I suppose it is. It's a sign of a long and happy marriage."

"Dad can be a real pain in the ass sometimes but I've always had a good role model…he loves you…anyone can see that. You have always come first with him. That's how I want my marriage to be."

"And it will be. It's all about compromise. Your dad and I have had our bumps, but we've worked through them because at the end of the day, there's no one else in the world we'd rather wake up next to. We have never taken our marriage for granted."

'Hence your Friday night date nights?"

"Yes. It would have been easy to get lost in work or family life and throw 'us' on the backburner. But we knew from the beginning, that we, as a couple, were important. And the truth is, to this day we enjoy each other's company. I know it's sappy, but it's us…and I wouldn't have it any other way"

"That's what I want for Maddie and me."

I smile at my not so little boy, looking so handsome in his black tuxedo, so much like his father.

There's a knock on the door and Christian peeks his head in.

"It's time" he says.

"Ok. Ready?" Teddy asks.

"As ready as I'll ever be" I whisper, trying to hold back more tears. As I walk toward the door, Teddy grabs my hand and pulls me into a tight hug.

"Thank you Mom" he whispers in my ear.

'For what?"

"For everything. I love you." I see tears welling up in his baby blue eyes.

"I love you too." I reach up, caress his cheek and smile…my sweet baby boy. "You have a bride waiting for you; let's get moving, before I start crying again."

~o0o~

Teddy and Maddie wanted a casual affair in our backyard. The ceremony was officiated by Reverend Walsh, who must be eighty by now, and Maddie's family Rabbi, who Christian had flown in with the rest of Maddie's family.

Teddy looks so dapper, standing by the Chuppa, awaiting his bride. The chuppa was very much their casual style, with curly willow branches, beautiful antique hydrangeas and greenery.

Maddie looks stunning, walking down the aisle in a form fitting Vera Wang strapless Chantilly lace bridal gown with a cream satin lining and a long veil. I look over at my son and see him take a deep breath.

She took his breath away.

It's moments like these that, as a parent, you pray for. You child will find their soul mate, the one person who will make them happy forever. I think Teddy and Maddie have found that in each other. Christian takes my hand and squeezes it. I look up at him, he smiles and winks at me, looking very much like the proud father of the groom.

The ceremony ended with the breaking of the glass as the guests shouted "Mazel Tov."

Jose insisted on photographing the wedding as a gift. We posed for a few official family portraits with Christian insisting that Baxter be a part of them. Baxter looked rather dashing in his black bow tie. Taylor was an invited guest, along with Gail, of course, but he insisted on overseeing security on the grounds. Does that man ever stop working?

It was lovely to have family and old friends in one place on this beautiful Sunday afternoon. After the obligatory pictures, Teddy and Maddie changed into more casual clothes, Maddie in a flouncy white sun dress and Teddy in a pair of khakis and short sleeve shirt. The DJ played an eclectic mix of music that got everyone out of their seats and dancing. The food was delicious, an old fashioned New England Clam bake with lobsters, mussels, crabs, clams, sausage, potatoes and corn on the cob…an homage to Maddie's Boston roots.

The whole day was wonderful. Elliot and Kate are definitely back on track, they never left each other's side. Always the romantic, it made my heart swell watching them hold hands and steal kisses. Mia and Ethans's formerly quiet and painfully shy son Billy has become quite the ladies man with two young girls vying for his attention. Mia and Ethan kept Grace company. Carrick was unable to make it, the crowds and change in his routine would have been too upsetting for him. My Mom and Bob fluttered among the crowd, chatting up a storm.

"Mom, what's Dad's beef with Jose? Whenever he's in town, Dad always shoots him his death stare." Phoebe asks.

"I'm sure it's your imagination, Phoebe" It's not.

A group of Teddy's college friends are at the bar doing vodka shots. I shake my head. Luckily Christian has already arranged a party bus to take the boys back to their hotel later.

I walk over to the corner of the tent, watching the party in full swing. I look over at the dance floor and see Phoebe dancing with Teddy. My heart melts. Christian walks over and stands next to me wrapping his arm around my waist; I rest my head on his shoulder and put my arm around his waist, as we watch our two babies, all grown up, dancing and laughing together.

"We did well, Mrs. Grey."

"Yes, we did, Mr. Grey"

November, 2036

"Christian" I call out to the ensuite. The door is slightly ajar and I can see Christian's reflection in the mirror. As usual, he's reading emails off his blackberry.

I get no response.

"Christian" I call out again.

Nothing.

"Christian Trevelyan Grey!" I shout…my hands planted firmly on my waist.

"What the fuck, Ana?" he answers back, walking back into the bedroom.

"It's about time you acknowledged me." Exasperating man!

"Get back in our bed and I'll acknowledge the hell out of you" he purrs.

Change that…Sexy as fuck exasperating man!

"I wish that were possible, but we're already running late" After a night of make up sex, I could really go for another round with my very hot husband. Damn he looks good standing in front of me in his charcoal gray suit and tie.

'Wouldn't be the first time we were late to something because you couldn't keep your hands off me." He smirks.

I know he's teasing, but he's right about that.

"As true as that may be, I don't want to keep the Taylors waiting for us at Jason's retirement party"

"Have it your way, baby. What were you calling me for?"

"I can't find my cell phone. I know it's in the bedroom somewhere. Can you call my cell phone, so I can follow the sound of the ring?"

"Why didn't you just use the house phone on your night table to call your cell phone?"

I look over at the house phone. Ugh.

"Honestly, it didn't occur to me" Well, I feel like a ditz. "Can you just call it, please?"

"Sure." he fishes his cell phone out of the inside of his suit jacket pocket and calls my phone.

Immediately I hear a song playing. It's coming from the side of my dresser. I locate the phone, lying on the floor and pick it up.

'Thank you. I got it"

I look over at Christian and he looks annoyed. Very annoyed.

'What's wrong?" I ask.

"Why is your ringtone different? You've had "Your Love is King" as my ring tone for as long as I can remember"

"Oh, I changed it yesterday, when I was still mad at you" I blush.

"What song is that?"

"Creep." I shrug.

His brow furrows and lips form a hard line.

"I'll change it back right now"

~o0o~

We're in the car on the way to the Mile High Club where Jason, Gail, the rest of the security team and some GEH employees will join us for Taylor's retirement party.

Gail and Jason have decided to move to California to be closer to Sophie and their grandchildren. We're going to miss them so much.

"Christian, I forgot to buy a card for the gift. We have to stop"

"We don't need card."

"Yes we do need a card, you can't just hand them a box and say 'here take this'. Look there's a Wal-Mart. We can stop there."

He glances over at me like I have three heads.

"Ana, I wouldn't send a fictional character into fucking Wal-Mart, let alone go myself."

I roll my eyes.

"We are going." I instruct our driver to pull into the parking lot.

Before marrying Christian, I always shopped at Wal-Mart. I forgot how big these stores are…and how crowded it can be. I also forgot about all the Wal-Mart people. There's a grown man walking around, dressed in a Batman cape, leotard and mask. There's some woman with her ass cheeks hanging out of her gold lame spandex mini dress and some guy wearing black fishnet stockings with neon green short shorts and high heels, interesting. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.

I glance over at Christian. He looks horrified. Absolutely horrified.

"Pick a card and let's get the fuck out of this hell hole" he growls.

"Don't you want to read the cards first?"

"Ana, men don't read cards. I don't care what you get, as long as it gets us out of here. Here…buy this one" He grabs a card out of the display in front of him.

"Christian, its sympathy card. We can't give this to Taylor."

"Then give it to me, for dragging me into this cesspool for the dregs of society"

"Very funny" I quickly choose a proper retirement card.

"I hope you have hand sanitizer in that purse of yours. This place is disgusting." He grumbles.

~o0o~

Our driver drops us off in front of the Columbia tower building. We walk inside and enter the elevator. I'm not sure if it's the after effects of last night's make up sex but there's a charge in this elevator between us that is crackling.

Christian runs his hand down my back and stops his hand on my ass, slowly gathering up my dress, so it rises in the back.

"Christian, behave!" I try to shoo away his hand.

"Is that really want you want, Anastasia?" he whispers in my ear.

Fuck no, that's not what I really want.

I inhale his unique Christian scent…how does this man always smell so damned good?

He turns toward me, grabbing my hands, raising them above my head, kissing me hard, pressing his body into mine.

Unfortunately, the elevator stops, bringing a quick end to his amorous assault. Christian releases my hands and straightens himself out.

"Someday I'm going to fuck you in an elevator again. Be ready." He breathes as he runs his index finger across my cheek.

I nod, winded from our kiss. Damn, my man still has it and he sure can kiss.

~o0o~

We're escorted to a private dining room where the party is in full swing. Our security team has been roasting Taylor, jabbing him with zingers and funny one-liners. Some of them are brave enough to throw some jabs at Christian's expense. Of course, it's only the former employees have to guts to roast Christian. Surprisingly, Christian seems to be taking it all in stride.

Miracles do happen.

The current security team has wisely kept any jabs regarding Christian to themselves. Smart move; never piss off the man who signs your paycheck.

It's so good to see the current security team here and enjoying themselves off hours. They have worked under Taylor's supervision for years. He's had them working like a well oiled machine. There are some familiar faces from the old days at GEH at the party. Barney, Welch, even Ryan made it into town. It's nice to see them relaxed and having fun, reminiscing and joking around.

Christian made a sweet speech about Taylor and all of his accomplishments. Taylor made his speech, thanking everyone, including Christian for the many years they were together.

We give both Gail and Taylor their retirement gifts. I know this is Taylor's party, but Gail is leaving us as well. They got the traditional clock, commemorating Taylor's years with Christian, but I think they were surprised at what came with the clock.

"Our own staff?" Gail asks

"This is our thank you for taking care of us for years; we want you taken care of in your retirement. Hire whoever you want; the size of your staff is up to you."

"Ana, I don't know what to say…thank you."

~o0o~

It's the day I've been dreading…the day the Taylors leave us. Their home on the Big House property has already been emptied out. Their furniture and belongings are already on the way to their new home in California.

Christian and I walk over to say our goodbyes.

Christian gives Gail a sweet kiss on the cheek, thanking her for everything she's done for him over the years. Gail breaks their usual employee/employer protocol and hugs him. He wraps his arms around her, swaying back and forth.

"Make sure he takes good care of you Gail." Christian jokes, glancing toward Taylor.

"Don't you worry; I'll keep him in line." She smiles.

Christian walks over to Taylor, who is on the ground next to their car, checking his tire pressure before the long drive to California.

Gail and I are left alone.

"Oh, Gail" I sigh and the tears start.

She walks next to me and wraps her arms around me, holding me tight. I wrap my arms around her and we stand there hugging for I don't know how long.

"Stop making me cry" she laughs through her tears.

"You are such a dear, dear friend to me. You have always been there for me. I always knew I could count on you to be there for me. You've helped me raise my children. Hell, you've helped me raise my husband."

We both laugh.

"I'll miss you more than I can say." I choke out.

"Ana, you are like daughter to me. You brought that man you married to life. I always knew he was a good man, but you made him a better man." She sniffles. "I'll miss you and our conversations…please call me anytime. I don't want our distance, to distance our friendship."

"I won't let it" I assure her.

"I love you Ana. It's been an honor to be a part of this household."

"Oh Gail, I love you too. It's an honor call you my friend."

We hug again. I don't want to let her go and she knows it.

She smiles at me and looks over at the men.

"What do you think they're talking about?" she asks.

"Who knows? Neither of them are big talkers. You think they're just grunting at each other like cavemen?" I laugh.

"Probably" She rolls her eyes.

~o0o~

I walk over to Taylor who's checking his tire pressure.

"Hey Taylor, need any help?"

"No Sir, I think I'm good. Thank you."

He stands up from the ground and we're awkwardly staring at each other. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to say.

"So, I guess this is it" I look down to the ground, mindlessly kicking a small rock.

"I suppose it is, Sir"

"Taylor, I wanted to thank you. For everything. I know I'm not an easy man to work for…"

"You've had your moments"

"You're more than just a valued employee. I trust you with my life. I trust you with my family's lives."

Taylor knows my trust issues and need for keeping those I love safe. He understands the enormity of what I've just said.

"It was my pleasure, Sir." He glances over at Ana. "She's a good woman."

I look at my wife and back to Taylor.

"Yes, she is."

"Take good care of her or I'll come back and set you straight." He stares directly into my eyes. Taylor doesn't mince words, he means every word he said. This is no threat, this is a promise.

I know Ana and Taylor have always had a special bond. She's always thought of him like an uncle and I believe he saw her as a daughter…and my savior. Which is true, she is.

"We've had some interesting times, haven't we?" I ask.

"Yes, especially in the early days"

"Ah, yes, the early days. I've always appreciated your discretion in the earlier days….you know, before Ana."

I don't need to spell out the whole, 'thanks for keeping my previous lifestyle under wraps and protecting me' statement, he knows where I'm going with this.

"Just doing my job, Sir."

Leave it to Taylor to downplay my weekend activities with my subs.

"Well…I'm going to miss you Taylor. I know you have confidence that Sawyer will be a fine head of security, but he'll never be you."

"Luke is an excellent replacement…and a good man"

"He's no Jason Taylor."

"Thank you Sir." Taylor looks down. Did he just blush? Jason fucking 'I'll shoot you first and ask questions later' Taylor, just blushed.

"You've always been much more than an employee to me. I think you know that."

"I do. And you have always been more to me than just my boss. I think you know that"

Why can't women talk like this? Everything you need to say, tied up into one tidy package, without all the tears and emotional gushing.

"Well, err…Goodbye Jason." I extend my hand to shake his. Once he places his hand in mine, something comes over me and I pull him into a hug.

At first he's taken by surprise, but I feel him relax and hug me back.

"Goodbye Christian."

June, 2037

"How's Dad today?" Christian asks Grace, as we walk into the sitting room.

"Today is a good day. He's pretty responsive" Grace tells us. Christian nods.

Carrick is sitting in his wheelchair, watching baseball. He has on his favorite Mariner's cap, something he insisted on wearing everyday as his disease progressed, maybe it's a security blanket for him. I don't know. We never argued the point, if he wants the hat everyday, he gets the hat everyday.

Christian walks over to Carrick. Carrick looks up at him and smiles.

"Hello Dad. You look well today. I brought Baxter with me. I know you enjoy his company"

Carrick nods then grins when he sees the dog..

Baxter is furiously wagging his tail with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. It's obviously that Carrick is pleased to see him. There's something special about this dog. He brings Carrick back from wherever he slips away, at least for a little while.

Christian sits on the couch, next to Carrick's wheelchair.

"It's good to see you again Carrick" I lean down and kiss his cheek.

"Very pretty" Carrick says while pointing at me.

'Hey, don't go moving in on my lady. She belongs to me." Christian jokes.

This definitely is a good day. Carrick is verbalizing. These days are becoming fewer and fewer. I think it's the frustration he feels when his words jumble in his head. He can't quite find the word he wants to express. I think his solution is to stay silent and avoid the frustration. You can't help but feel for him. You don't know if you should finish his sentence for him, or allow him find the word. We always do our best to be respectful.

His motor skills have suffered. Other than his walking issue, his hands shake, almost like a Parkinson's patient. It's difficult for him to hold anything including a glass or utensils.

I glance over at Grace. She looks tired. We have round the clock help for Carrick in the house. Elliot had ramps added for Carrick's wheelchair. We even hired a helper just for Grace...to take her shopping, to her hair appointments, whatever she wants. But it doesn't stop watching your husband's declining health from taking a toll on you, both mentally and physically.

"What's your name?" Carrick asks Christian.

"Christian"

"Oh. I have a son named Christian"

"I have a son too" Christian tells Carrick.

"My son is a good boy" Carrick smiles while he pets Baxter.

'Mine too, Dad."

We've become the nice people who come to visit, no longer his son and daughter in law. Carrick still knows Grace, sometimes he calls her his Mother, and other times he just calls her "she" or "her". It's heartbreaking.

"Ted, my son, is going to be a father any day now. It seems to be a recurring theme in our family, get married and have a baby ten months later."

Carrick just nods.

If we could only know what is going on inside his head. I know this hurts Christian. The rational side of him understands that this is part of the progression of Alzheimer's, but the son in him wants his father to know who he is.

~o0o~

It's Carrick's lunch time. Christian offers to help him with his lunch, giving Grace a break. I stay behind with Grace, as Christian wheels his dad into the kitchen.

"How are you doing Grace? Is there anything you need?"

"I'm alright." She sighs. "Well, as alright as I can be, all things considered."

"If there's anything you need, even if it's just a break from all of this, please don't hesitate call us." I reach my hand across the couch and hold hers.

"I know darling girl, I know" she says as she squeezes my hand.

Sometime has passed since Christian took Carrick for his lunch. I offer to go check up on them.

I'm about to walk in the kitchen, when I find Christian feeding his father. I stop and quietly watch them interact.

"Dad, would you like more meatloaf?"

Carrick shakes his head and points to the pie on a small dessert plate next to his dish.

"Ah, you want the apple pie, do you?"

Carrick nods.

Christian brings a forkful of pie to Carrick's mouth and feeds it to him.

"That's good, isn't it, Dad?"

Carrick nods and points his shaking finger at a plastic glass of milk next to the pie.

"Milk? You want some milk?" Christian asks.

Carrick nods and holds out his hand, clearly wanting to hold the glass himself. This is always tricky, because he shakes so much he could spill it, but we can deny him what independence he still has. Christian hands him the plastic glass and puts a straw in it. Carrick takes the glass and places the straw in his mouth, while Christian is spotting him, ready to catch the glass if Carrick loses grip.

Watching Christian feed his father is a bittersweet moment. Christian looks up and sees me.

"Hey" he says

"Hey yourself. Why don't you join your Mom, I'll finish up here and bring your Dad back in. I'm sure she'd like some time to visit with you."

"Are you sure you don't mind?"

"Of course not." I smile.

Christian stands and walks toward me. He places his index finger under my chin and raises my face up to him. He leans down and sweetly kisses me.

"Thank you baby"

~o0o~

I finish up with Carrick and wheel him into the sitting room. Grace is sitting on the piano bench, mindlessly tapping the piano keys, staring out the French sliders, lost in her thoughts. Christian is sitting on the couch, frowning in her direction.

I turn Carrick's wheelchair to face Grace at the piano. Having Grace in his view always seems to keep him calm. Baxter sneaks up to the side of Carrick, which seems to please him.

Christian gets off the couch and walks over to Grace, sitting next to her on the piano bench. His fingers press down on the keys and play a few notes on the piano then he stops. He looks over at Grace with a smirk and nudges her with his shoulder. She turns to him and politely smiles. Christian hits a few notes again, nudging Grace again with his shoulder as he nods at her, pointing toward the piano keys with his chin.

She gazes at him and sighs as her lips begin to curl up into a true smile.

He presses his fingers to the keys once more and Grace joins in, playing with him. I recognize the song; it's a Mozart Sonata piano duet. I watch them in awe as the joyful sound of music fills the room. Carrick is alert and watching them with a sparkle in his eyes. They're both so good and enjoying it, occasionally glancing at each other, smiling. Christian winks at Grace and she winks back.

Music has always been a way Christian has expressed himself. I can't help but feel overwhelmed by the depth of their love for each other while I watch them sharing something so personal. I think this is the most beautiful moment I've seen ...a mother and son's love poured into the keys.

When the song is over, Grace grabs Christian's face with both hands, he faces her and she gives him a hard kiss on each cheek.

They gaze at each other, grinning like fools. It's magical.

Carrick has a huge smile on his face as he watches Grace and Christian. The music has spoken to him too.

This was a good day.

April, 2040

"I want another ultrasound."

"Mr. Grey. We can run all the tests you want, but I'm confident in the diagnosis. I'm very sorry. There's nothing that can be done."

"Surgery. What are our options for surgery?"

"Baxter has multiple cancerous tumors throughout his body. Even if surgery was possible, when you consider his age and the progression of the cancer…Mr. Grey, I'm very sorry, but surgery is not a possibility for Baxter. He wouldn't survive it."

"I don't understand. How could we not know he was this sick? How?"

"Please don't beat yourself up."

I run my hand through my hair, fisting a handful at the top. How could we have missed this? Baxter was getting up in the years, he had a little trouble walking and was sleeping a lot, but that's just old age, isn't it? I look toward Ana who is petting Baxter as he lies quietly on the examining table. Tears are running down her face.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

My hand begins to tremble. I close my eyes briefly and silently count to ten, trying to hold myself together then take a deep breath.

"Is he in pain?" Ana asks.

"Yes, some."

This isn't fucking happening. This isn't fucking happening.

"What can we do for him?" I ask.

"I can prescribe some pain medication for Baxter, but judging by the Xrays and ultrasound, he doesn't have much time."

I feel my chest tightening; the room feels like it's closing in on me.

"Mr. Grey. There is another option."

"Please, anything." I'm practically begging.

"We euthanize Baxter. He will simply drift off to sleep. It's painless and will end his suffering"

"I can't do that to him." I say, shaking my head.

"Mr. Grey. It's a noble thing to do, giving him a dignified death, taking away his pain."

There's nothing noble about any of this.

I glance over at Baxter and Ana. Now I understand how Ana felt when she had to make the decision to discontinue Ray's life support. What a fucking cross to bear.

I don't want him to suffer. But I don't know if I can accept having him gone from my life. I don't know what the fuck to do. What the fuck do I do?

"I don't know. Right now, I just want to bring my dog home. Come on Ana, let's take Baxter home."

~o0o~

It's been three weeks since we received Baxter's prognosis. I've been pretending that things were status quo with Baxter, but the reality is his health has deteriorated rapidly since then. He's getting weaker by the day. He winces and moans when he gets up. His legs occasionally buckle when he tries to walk. His appetite is practically nonexistent. He's had many accidents, soiling himself often.

Baxter, Baxter, Baxter.

Ana moved his bed into my study. It's the one room he seems to be the most comfortable in, probably because he's spent most of his life under my feet here. I've cut my time at GEH in half, and worked from home to keep an eye on him.

When I enter the study, he slowly lifts up his head, wags his tail then lowers his head back down on his bed and falls back to sleep. I keep wishing that this is just another one of my nightmares, but it's as real as real gets.

"Christian, I think we need to talk about Baxter."

I know exactly what Ana is going to say and I don't want to hear it.

"I'm knee deep in work, baby. We'll talk later"

She cocks her head, studying me. She's been trying to have this "talk" with me for days, but I've managed to avoid it. I know what she's thinking and deep down I know she's right, but ...I just can't.

"Christian, I think it's time. Look at him. He's suffering, Christian. He's suffering." Her lip quivers. I know it had to be said, but it sure as fuck is painful to hear.

"He's just a little uncomfortable." I lie. I see what she sees. I know what she knows.

"He's in pain. The meds aren't helping him anymore. We have to help him, Christian."

"How can I do that to him? End his life?"

"You're doing it for him, no to him. Take him away from his pain." She pleads.

I look down to the floor, my hand running through my hair. Somehow, I find the guts to do what needs to be done.

"Call the vet. Tell them we'll be there tomorrow." I can't believe these words have left my mouth but I must put Baxter's needs before my own. I know deep down, that this is the right thing to do.

Ana walks over to me as I sit, completely stunned, in my chair. She kisses the top of my head and says nothing, leaving me alone with my thoughts and dying dog.

~o0o~

Ana is sleeping on the couch in my study. I am lying down on a blanket laid out on the floor next to Baxter. We don't want him to be alone tonight.

He looks so old. Tired. Weak. Ready.

I study his face; run my hand down his neck to his back, trying to commit the feel of his coat to memory. I think back to when Baxter first came into our lives. I never thought I wanted a dog, but he touched me. In him, I found a kindred spirit. He was obedient and loyal, yet had bursts of fearlessness. Christ, I love this little guy.

He looks at me with his sleepy brown eyes and weakly wags his tail. As sick as he is, he's still glad I'm here with him. I lean in close to him and quietly talk.

"I didn't know I needed you until I met you. I told you when you joined this family that no harm would ever come to you and I intend to live up to that promise. I'm so sorry Baxter. I just want to take away your pain.

You'll soon be running through a meadow, free from your pain. In dog heaven you'll have your balls back and plenty of females to hump to your hearts content. I know in this life, you were my submissive dog. But I think you have some Dom in you. Give it a try when you get to the other side.

We've had some good times, haven't we? I'll miss you more than I can express. You've been my constant, my companion, my confidant...my furry shadow. I didn't know I had this in me. You're not a just dog Baxter, you're family. I'm going to miss you, boy. Oh Baxter, I am going to miss the fuck out of you."

Baxter let's out a long breath and looks at me. He slowly stretches his paw out and touches me. Is he comforting me? Am I imagining this? I continue talking…

"Thank you for listening to me during our man talks and for calming me when I needed comforting. You instinctively knew what I needed. We both had fucked up starts in life, and I think we were meant to find each other because of that. We know what others can't understand, because they didn't live through it. But I think we both came out of our fucked up beginning stronger.

Christ, sometimes I wish I was the way I used to be…cold and heartless. At least this wouldn't hurt so fucking much.

Sleep now, old friend. I'll be right here next to you in the morning."

He stares at me, like he's trying to say something to me, convey some message to me, then he closes his eyes as he drifts off to a peaceful sleep.

~o0o~

The sun is filtering through the blinds in Christian's study. I almost forgot we fell asleep here. I blink a few times; waking up to start what I know will be a difficult day.

I sit up and yawn, then glance over to the floor where Christian and Baxter slept last night.

Christian is cradling Baxter on his lap while he rocks him back and forth. He looks up at me. I see the anguish in his bloodshot eyes and I know.

Baxter is gone.

I hold my hand to my mouth and the tears fall uncontrollably. Our Baxter is gone.

The pain is indescribable. I instantly feel empty. Just empty.

Baxter has always been more than just a pet to us. He is family. He's Christian's little buddy. He brought us joy, comfort, companionship and mostly unconditional love.

I walk over to Christian and Baxter and kneel on to the floor next to them.

Christian looks devastated, absolutely devastated. I caress Christian's cheek and he leans into my touch. Then I place my hand on Baxter, our sweet, beloved Baxter.

We sit with Baxter for a long while, I can't stop sobbing. Christian continues to hold Baxter's body in his lap. He tilts his head, leaning it on mine. I think he's in shock.

Christian asks if he could have some time alone with Baxter. Of course, I understand. They had a very special bond.

I'm sure that Baxter died last night, so Christian wouldn't have to live with the guilt of euthanizing him today. Baxter's last gift to his Master.

I kiss Christians forehead and then Baxter and leave, quietly closing the study's door behind me. I lean against the door in the hallway and slowly sink to the floor, sobbing. I close my eyes as I hear Christian's gut wrenching howl, as he breaks down, surrendering to his grief.

** to hear the song CG & Grace played….you tube this: "Argerich and Kissin piano 4 hands - Mozart Sonata KV 521 (part 2/2)"