Chapter 55

Welcome To Northman Airlines, We've Got The Sexiest Damn Pilot In the Universe.

I was in one of those post-amazingly-fulfilling-sex dazes. If you've never experienced one of those you seriously need to date a vampire. Or just have sex with one. I don't think you'd need to pledge yourself so wholeheartedly as I have. Just grab yourself an undead fuck buddy.

I had no doubt, even as I giggled at the thought of it, that there was a website or thousand that set humans up with Supes for such occasions. Like or . Maybe there was some for Were's too. Wouldn't that be bestiality though? I guess no more than screwing a vamp would be necrophilia.

I stretched contentedly and rolled to throw my leg over Eric's sleeping form. He, of course, still did not budge. I smiled at the memory of our little adventure last night. He'd sure had me fooled, there were times when I was SURE he was serious about draining me and burning Gran's house down. I had been truly scared and that had made it tantalizingly perilous and arousing for me. He had played his part awesomely, Al Pacino style.

And I was proud of myself for not wishing my way out of the "danger", or danger as I had truly felt it was at the time. And I was REALLY proud of the wish I had made as he had hovered us over the forest. Eric, the Viking Hunter was more like Eric the god of orgasms. Christ Almighty! I was wet again, aching for him already. And I had to take one of my retarded vampire pisses again. WHY? The only thing I'd had was his blood last night. But I could sure go for a Whopper or even better, one of those humongous Baconators from Wendy's. I'd never had one but I'd seen Jason snarf one down many times. I felt like I could eat five of them right now. Yep, that's me, the platypus of the vampire world. Not screaming hungry for human necks but take me to Wendy's and buy me a few clogged arteries on a bun and I'm peachy keen.

I rolled off of the bed, requiring no light nor the step stool to land lightly on the floor. Well now, that was super vampy! I made my way to the bathroom downstairs only to remember that the toilet had not been completely installed yet. I stomped my foot, a little too hard, and heard things rattle off of the bathroom shelves and onto the floor. I had to stop breaking things.

I turned and made my way slowly back towards the spiral steps. I had to pee way too bad to blur.

Eric had been amazingly tender after we had fucked like wild animals in the woods last night. He'd carried me all the way home, kissing me as I'd professed my love and undying devotion to him a million times. I remembered him laying me on the bed, his movements had been slow and had that stop motion quality to them, the sun was rising and he was shutting down. I felt tired but in a giddy, I've been thoroughly fucked way, not a fiery death will befall me of I don't hide way.

I pushed my way up into the upper level of the house and sprang to the toilet. Just in time, I might add. I hoped that this was the only bodily function that had remained with me. If I had to be the retarded vampire who crapped and menstruated too I was gonna be fifty kinds of mad.

I cleaned myself and headed back downstairs. As I lay back down next to Eric, I glanced at his bedside clock. It was 7:44 am. WHAT?!!! That meant that, according to my poorly executed mental math, I'd only been asleep for a little more than an hour now! I'd just gotten up and walked around the house with no problem other than having an overload bladder. Why the hell wasn't I dead to rights like my maker over there? And I wasn't even remotely sleepy. Even as a human I should have been physically and mentally exhausted. I wish....

No, don't wish Sookie. Don't make anything more complicated than it already is right now. Let's put on our thinking cap and ponder.

Okay, so the list of my retarded different-ness was, so far;

I could fly. No biggie, so could Eric.

I had the need to urinate. Okay, this one was a biggie, Eric had been shocked by this.

I could force physical sensations onto others. Biggie, I had made Eric come all over the interior of the Corvette.

I could read vampire minds. On the fence about this one. Eric had found out somehow and I didn't know how to feel about this little ability.

I could wish things into happening. I'd wished to speak to my Gran and she had appeared. Freaky. Okay, that was definitely a biggie.

I had three sets of fangs! THREE! Eric was trying to be all ninja about it but he'd slipped and broad casted out loud that this was odd for sure. Biggie, indeed.

Lastly, apparently the sun didn't affect me in the same way it did other vamps. Big time big-old biggie. Big big big up in the sky big!

Don't be stupid Sookie. You know you burned before and you weren't even a vamp then.

Was I really thinking about doing this bonehead thing? Me and my curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat and fried the retarded vampire.

I blurred up the steps and into the kitchen in the house above. I knew that the sun was visible right outside of this access door to the garage. There were small rectangular windows in the garage door that light would stream in through.

This is really superbly dumb on a Jason Stackhouse level. Sookie you're a fool.

Yeah, I told myself. I do have a level of retardedness to maintain. Wouldn't want anyone to go thinking I was one of your run of the mill, smart undead people.

I opened the door and propped it with one of the kitchen chairs. I peered warily into the garage and saw the beams of white that I had resigned myself to never seeing again.

Well, my eyeballs haven't melted yet.

I stepped down into the garage and walked past the Corvette. There was an ass shaped dent in the otherwise flawless body. I smiled when I recalled what fun it had been to make that dent.

I was standing to the side of the sunlight streaming in now. All I had to do was reach my hand out and I would know. Slowly I raised my left hand towards the beam and stuck a finger into the ray. Nothing.

A little more of my hand, still nothing.

Fuck it.

I jumped into the light and waited for the burning to start. Nothing! I looked down at my chest, so squarely placed into what should be barbecuing me right now.

Well thank God I don't fucking sparkle!

I needed proof of this, but how the hell was I going to pull that off? I returned inside and closed the kitchen door securely. I found the cordless handset upstairs and dialed Pam's number. I could leave her a voice message and there would be a time stamp on it. It rang several times and I heard it pick up, only it wasn't Pam's snide voice mail greeting, it was a very sleepy Quinn.

"Yeah?"

"Quinn, oh my god. What are you..? Never mind! Listen to me, this is Sookie! Quinn, I'm awake and I just stood in actual sunlight!"

"Wait, wait, wait, I thought Pam told me that Eric had turned you."

"He did! Thats why it's so amazing that you're talking to me right now. One, I should be an undead lump like I'm assuming Pam is right next to you." he laughed. "And two, I should be burnt to a crisp after doing what I just did! I didn't even feel a tingle! I had to call someone! I was just hoping to get Pam's voice mail but this is even better!"

"Great, Sookie. I guess, if you're happy then that's great." Were-tigers were not the friendliest of creatures when they'd had little sleep.

"Go back to sleep, Quinn. Please tell Pam that I need to see her and talk to her tonight."

"Will do. Sookie? Please don't go back into the sunlight. Take your ass back to bed and be safe. I don't wanna wake up and hear that your a flaming Sookie marshmallow."

"Sure, Quinn. Thanks."

I hung up and was about to head back downstairs to snuggle in next to Eric when a random memory from last night popped into my head.

I dialed my old home phone number and hit the # key when I heard my greeting. I entered the numeric password and hit # again.

"You have 33 new messages."

The first one was from Tara, apologizing again for the fangbanger comment she had made the night of the orgy. God, that seemed like a million years ago and yet it had only been weeks.

A couple of telemarketers, then Tara again, wondering why I hadn't called her back.

Jason calling, hoping I would come by and bring Eric. There were seven more similar messages from my glamour-induced enamored brother.

Maxine Fortenberry calling to see why I hadn't returned her precious glass pie plate after Gran's wake. (because I had shattered that fucking thing into a million tiny shards, that's why!)

Then the rest of the calls were from one person only. Sam Merlotte.

Sam calling to see why I was late for work.

Sam again, angry that he'd had to hear from my brother that I'd gone on vacation with a vampire and it wasn't even Bill Compton.

Sam telling me he needed to explain some things to me about himself. Telling me I was right when I sensed that there was something different about him.

Sam calling to find out of I was home, Bill had come in the bar and told him that I had been kidnapped. He didn't know what to believe.

Sam, calling to say, frantically, that I needed to call him if I got this message.

Sam again, his voice lost and pleading, berating himself for leaving me there on my front porch that last time he'd seen me and praying out loud that I was okay.

Sam, confessing that he only called now to hear my voice on the message greeting.

Sam apologizing to me now for having failed me and for keeping his secret from me. Maybe, he'd cried into the phone, if he'd been forthright with me and told me he was a shape shifter, he could have protected me.

Message after message of his heartbreaking angst and regret. And then one final message.

"Sookie, I promise you, on my life, that Eric Northman is a dead, dead man. I'll avenge you, sweet girl, if it's the last thing I ever do."

That a harsh way to learn about what a bad idea it is to ignore your voice mail.