Before, I split myself in half. I was with Jacob during the day, but at night, I tortured myself by thinking of Edward, while Jacob slept next to me. I was a masochist and a hypocrite. I hadn't left Edward; I'd only moved him to my memories, putting Jake through more of the same. I felt so guilty, but being able to keep them both seemed worth it, to me.
That changed when I saw Edward again. My memories, my old nightly rituals, became tainted. The beautiful face in my head was vicious and furious. With every memory I pulled up, I saw his crooked smile replaced by the dangerous crouching vampire. I could only focus on the lines that had been drawn, us versus him, that day with the wolves around me and Edward alone, running. I didn't cry or mourn; I didn't want Jake to see that small part of myself again. Instead, I buried the pain, settling it in amongst everything else. It was like a tiny heart, pulsing and throbbing not with blood but with a familiar soreness. It ebbed and flowed, sometimes rearing up but, more often, simmering like a low fire.
I threw myself into my life with Jacob with fervor, and it was blissful. He knew things had changed after seeing Edward again. I would catch him glancing at me out of the corner of his eye incredulously, like he still couldn't believe I'd chosen him not once but twice, but if I asked about it he pretended he hadn't been looking. He was so happy that it spilled into every facet of my life. Suddenly, going out and getting a new job, having left work with Mike Newton's hiking store, wasn't so bad, and my job of working in the library in town was even sometimes enjoyable.
He understood and even accepted my relationship with Alice, which surprised me. I didn't know if he still held any animosity towards her, especially after her visit, but he asked about her with genuine interest often, and he was never angry if I took her calls around him. She was travelling, trying to find other vampires who, like her, could see the future; she was curious if anything else could stop her visions and how to get around it.
Her only vision of Jake's future, and my death, hung heavily over his head, and I could see how it affected him. He never let me out of his sight, and even when I had to work, I knew he was waiting outside, trying not to be obvious about his overprotectiveness. The pack, again vampire-less, decided that my safety would be their top priority, and even though Jake snuck over every night, I could feel them outside, one always patrolling, hoping that my death wasn't coming soon.
Summer stretched out into forever. I enjoyed the warmer weather and the occasional sunny day, which I always spent with Jake on the beach in La Push. I loved the days I spent with the pack and the nights I spent curled into Jake's warm chest. I was moving on, slowly edging away from my old life. I was fixing myself, little by little, into someone better, someone whole. I gave up nothing with Jake and I was given so much more than with Edward. We were happy, and I was healing.
At the beginning of August, Jake was adamant about going to the big beach party in La Push right before the res school started again. I hated large parties, particularly those assembled with alcohol and rambunctious intentions, but he persisted.
"Bella," he said one day. I glanced up at him from my old copy of Jane Eyre. "Bella, Bella, Bella."
"Oh, not this again," I sighed, turning away. He reached for my arm, his eyes bright. He pushed his lip out to pout like a child.
"It's just one party," he begged. "I already told them we'd go." I glared at him.
"I never agreed to that, so now it's on you to tell them we aren't coming," I said crossly. He slid the book out from my hands and clasped his around mine.
"Please?" he pleaded, his face scrunched. "You picked me, so you have to go to the stupid pack parties with me." I felt a stab of discomfort at his off-hand comment. I had no obligations to him simply because I wanted to be with him. Being with him also meant being with the pack, something I'd known from the start. But I didn't like that he was holding it against me.
"That's not fair, Jake," I said shortly. He sighed in exasperation.
"Just go with me, Bells," he demanded, standing up from the lawn chair. I put my bookmark in to hold my place and set the novel down on the tiny table.
"If I don't want to go, I won't go," I seethed. Why was I so angry? It was just a party. "If you want to make this about some brotherly obligation, then fine. You go. I'm staying home." He glared at me from a few feet away, his hands crossed in front of his chest.
"You're being stupid," he mumbled under his breath, but not softly enough. I pushed my chair back and stomped to my truck. He didn't move to follow me. I wrenched the door open, furious, and the truck roared to life after only a few tries. He emerged from around the side of the house when he heard the engine, and he looked pained.
"Bella, wait!" he shouted, jogging up to catch me. I beat him; I pulled out and pushed the car too fast down the road. I took deep breaths to calm myself. He hadn't meant anything by it, I reasoned. He was just being stubborn, I told myself. I slowed down the truck and calmly drove back to Charlie's. He was gone, still at work, so I went to my room to lie down. I tucked my hands under my head against the pillows and relaxed into the comforter.
Jake and I didn't fight often, but when we did, I felt tight, like I was being squeezed. I thought back to the day before, our blissful night. We had been too awake to sleep, kissing until the electricity between us was almost a visible and tangible bolt. I stopped his roaming hands, not feeling right. I lied and told him I was too tired, but in reality, it just hadn't been the right moment. We had fallen asleep with our hands entwined between us.
I sighed, rolling onto my side. The day was gloomy, and the clouds blocked out so much light that it felt like night. I closed my eyes and hoped that, when I opened them again, things would be better.
Jake was there. He was always there. Even when we fought, even when things weren't perfect, he was there.
"Hey," he said, smiling. He reached his hand out to me, sprawled out on my bed. I slid mine into his easily. "Come here." I sat down beside him, running my fingers through his hair. He sighed.
"I'm sorry," I said gently. He turned to look at me.
"I know, Bells," he said. "I'm sorry, too." He sat up, his lips meeting mine. A tingle shot all the way down to my toes, and I reached my hand up to his face, tracing the line of his jaw. He relaxed under my hand. I pulled away, smiling. He gazed at me, his eyes melting, and kissed me again, intently, passionately. He angled me under him carefully, watching his weight, as always. But this time was different. This time, I wasn't hesitant. I wasn't worried or nervous or afraid. I felt a simmering deep in the pit of my stomach and kissed him back, listening.
His hands were everywhere. He was gentle but urgent, grabbing my arms, my waist, my hair. I could feel the intensity radiating from him and felt my breathing match his. We were tangled in each other, craving. Of course Jacob and I were meant to be together; there was no doubt in my mind. He was so warm, my personal sun. I was drawn to him like gravity, and he pulled me in further, closer, until I was a part of him.
When my eyes shot open, finally awake, I felt strangely empty. I rolled back over, lonely, thinking of Jake.
He didn't call, and neither did I. I spent the day around the house, doing my much-neglected chores. I picked up the clothes on the floor of my room and cleaned the shower with bleach that stung my eyes. I stuck a complicated pasta dish into the oven to cook, hoping Charlie wouldn't be too put out with me for not cooking for so long.
I tried not to think about Jake, but he crept into my mind like a bracing breeze. He was in every inch of the house, and cleaning reminded me of him: the blue shirt with a tiny pizza stain from dinner at his house, an old pair of shoes that had a drop of paint from when we repainted his doorframe, a plate with a small chip on the side from when he had dropped it too hard into the sink. Being without him, even for a few hours, was grating.
I tried to think of other things, wondering what he would do when school started back up in La Push. We hadn't talked about it very much. School seemed so trivial in comparison to the past few months, to Victoria. He was physically old enough to have graduated college, but did Sam finish high school? I didn't know. I couldn't imagine Jacob, huge and strong, sitting in a tiny desk in a math class. I almost laughed out loud at the thought.
"Bella?" I jumped. Charlie was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, a confused look on his face. "What are you doing here?" I put down the plate I was washing and wiped my hands.
"I'm here to make dinner," I said, smiling. "I've been bad, not cooking for you." He shrugged.
"I'm fine on my own, Bells," he said gruffly. I checked on the pasta in the oven and took it out to cool.
"Well, I'm here," I said, trying to sound happy despite feeling weird without Jake. "This'll be ready in about five minutes. Do you want garlic bread?" His eyes lit up at the idea, and he nodded quickly. I laughed, and he went to put down his police gear.
"Where's Jake today?" he asked carefully at the dinner table, watching my expression. The pasta was delicious, and he'd already had a second helping. I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant.
"I guess he's just busy with Sam and his friends," I said, keeping my eyes on my plate. "Plus I wanted to come home and clean up a little. The house was getting dirty."
"Are you two fighting?" he asked nervously, taking too long to spear his fork into another bite of pasta.
"No," I said carefully. "We're just…disagreeing." He glanced up at that, surprised that he had been right. He put his fork down.
"What about?" he asked. I was quiet for a moment before I answered.
"It's some end-of-summer beach party down in La Push. He wants me to go with him, but I just want to spend the day here." He laughed, and I glared at him.
"Doesn't that boy know by now that you don't like big parties?" I rolled my eyes.
"He's persistent on changing that."
"Well, I wouldn't mind going to a beach party," he said thoughtfully. "I haven't seen Sue in a while, and Billy is always trying to get me down there more often."
"You're no help," I sighed, exasperated. He chuckled.
"You should call Jake," he said, still in a good mood. "You know you'll find a way to fix this eventually, so why not now?" We had finally told Charlie, after waiting too long, about me and Jake. He was suspicious after the Cullens left town, but he never asked questions. Finally, after I'd spent almost a week straight at Jake's house, Charlie had demanded that we tell him. He was happy for us, happier than I'd expected, and was never upset when I wanted to spend time with Jake while shirking my responsibilities with him. He already thought of Jake as family, after all, and when I had finally picked him, Charlie was over the moon.
"I was thinking of going over there now, actually," I said quietly, hoping he wouldn't be upset.
"Sure!" he said, brightening even more. I knew he didn't want to get in the middle of things, but I could tell he didn't like it when we fought. "You should bring the leftovers from this lasagna, though. Maybe it'll soften him up." I smiled, agreeing.
The drive seemed too long. I felt physically cold without Jacob, as if my sun was what kept me warm. After endless weeks with him being no more than thirty feet away, I felt strange, like when you forget your favorite sweatshirt at home. It was like I was missing something. And my dream hadn't helped, either; below the tightness in my chest was a lingering simmer, a tiny burning in the bottom of my stomach. I thought of when we kissed, how his hands tangled in my hair, how his legs twisted with mine. I pushed my truck a little faster.
He wasn't waiting outside for me, and I instantly felt the hand around my ribs tighten. I hoped he wasn't still upset with me.
"Hey, Bella!" Billy called, wheeling himself out from behind the house. He was smiling widely, always happy to see me. I felt myself grin back unconsciously.
"Hi Billy!" I replied, slamming my truck door shut. "How are you?"
"I'm getting older and older," he said, motioning to his hands. "My hands started shaking. Can you believe that? Soon my legs won't even work and I'll need a wheelchair." I laughed with him, his laugh booming.
"Have you seen Jake?" I asked, but he shook his head.
"I haven't seen that boy all day. If you find him, tell him I need him. I think there's a leak in the roof." I nodded, waving as I walked back to my truck. Remembering the lasagna, I slid it out of the passenger seat and brought it back over to him. His eyes sparkled at the sight of the glass dish.
"Lasagna?" he asked, eyeing the tin foil covering the dish. I nodded, and he grinned. "If Jake doesn't come back soon, I'll eat this by myself. Your lasagna is my favorite." I laughed, shaking my head as I climbed back in my truck.
"He could be at Sam's," Billy called, and I turned back to face him. He had his hand on his face, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "I think he might have mentioned going over." I waved again, smiling, and drove off.
He wasn't at Sam's. I tried to hide my disappointment when I knocked on the door and no one answered, the tiny house empty. I drove around for a little while, eventually stopping at the cliffs. I hadn't gone cliff-diving after the first time, but the sun was almost out and the rain had let up, so I got out and sat on the rocky overhang, careful to stay back from the edge. I looked at the waters, so much calmer than when I had jumped. I thought about what my life would have been if I had just waited for Jake to be there, diving in with me. We were already so close, circling each other. Would I have finally given in to him and to what my own heart was saying? Edward wouldn't have come back; I would still have holes riddled through my chest like bullet wounds. But I would have had Jake to help fix me.
I was glad, suddenly, that I had jumped. I wouldn't have been able to appreciate Jake the way I did. Somehow, seeing his pain had brought out something in me, something primal. He and I were meant to be together, I knew. If Edward hadn't come back, though, I was sure that I would still be broken, still wait for Edward every night. When I had picked for myself, as Emily had predicted, things had been different. Getting to pick, rather than being forced into a choice, was liberating, and it freed me to love Jake the way I was meant to.
I felt someone sit down beside me, very carefully, but I didn't turn to look at him. He was quiet for a moment. The wind picked up my hair gently, swirling around us. I wanted to reach out and grab his hand. I wanted to feel his warmth radiate through me again, to feel whole again. I waited, knowing he was there.
"I knew someone who died cliff diving," he said quietly. I turned to look at him. He was staring off into the distance, watching the waves far away, his bare chest rising and falling. "He was older, a friend of Rachel's. He only jumped from this high up on a dare. We can because we heal fast, but normal people don't ever try it from this high. It's dangerous." The wind was soft. He still wasn't looking at me.
"I wish you'd told me that before I jumped," I said, reaching my hand out to him. He finally broke his gaze, turning his eyes down to my hand. He took it in his, and instantly, I felt warmer, better, fuller. I breathed in deeply, my lungs filling with Jacob. He inched closer to me, and I leaned against him, our hands entwined tightly.
"I never thought you'd actually do it," he said honestly, still staring at our hands. "I didn't see how much you wanted to go. I should've been paying closer attention." He finally looked up at me, and my insides loosened, the tightness in my chest disappearing. I leaned my head onto his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. He didn't answer, and I wondered if he was still mad about the party.
"I was so scared, Bella," he said finally, his voice catching. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I hesitated, waiting. "When you jumped, and all I could hear was you screaming, I was terrified. I thought, after she went into the ocean, that she had finally gotten past us." He didn't have to say her name to make me understand, and I shuddered involuntarily. "And when I pulled you out, and you weren't breathing..." I curled into him, climbing into his lap, burying myself into his chest. His arms wrapped around me, holding me to him.
"I don't regret jumping," I said, breathing him in. "I'm glad I jumped. And I'm glad I almost died." He pulled me away, looking down at me with sudden alarm. I laughed quietly, kissing his collarbone. "Not like that, Jake." His expression improved, but his eyebrows stayed furrowed. I thought carefully, trying to put my epiphany into words that wouldn't hurt him.
"I'm glad I jumped," I repeated. "If I hadn't, Edward would never have come back." His name caused the tiny ball inside me to pulse like an afterthought, a tiny jolt of pain. "And if he'd never come back, I wouldn't have realized how much I needed you. I loved you then, but you weren't my choice. I would have been with you, but it would have been because Edward had left. Bu t when I got to pick you, it was different. I was with you not because he left, but because I really, truly wanted to be with you. I didn't hurt like before because I had left him, not the other way around."
"So you're happy you jumped?" he asked incredulously. I had never told him before how different it had been, accepting him versus choosing him.
"Not happy that I almost drowned," I clarified, shivering at the memory of the feeling of being pulled under, the water filling my lungs. "But happy that it set everything else in motion, yeah." He was quiet for a few minutes, considering this. The sun, hidden behind a few grey clouds, peeked out again, shining a bright ray into the ocean a few miles away.
"I always loved you," he said finally. "I would've been happy either way. But I think I'm happier now, knowing that you picked me. I would've always felt like you'd just settled for me after he left you." I curled my fingers around his.
"I'm not settling," I said, kissing his skin again. "You are everything that I want. It just took me a little while to see that." He pulled my chin up with his free hand and kissed me, long and slow. The sun, bobbing between the clouds, finally emerged, brightening the gloom. The warmth from it was nothing compared to Jacob, but it was freeing. I kissed Jake, my heart pounding, and let the feeling linger.
He came over that night. I had bounced around the house after getting home, happily finishing the chores I had started earlier. Charlie was glad to hear that we had fixed things, and he watched me practically skip around the house with a smug look on his face. He went to bed early to prepare for a long day at the station. It didn't take long for Jake to arrive, using the front door for once. I stood there in the open doorway, marveling at how beautiful he was, standing there with his head cocked to the side and a smile pulling his features into a mask of bliss.
And Jacob was beautiful, in all of the accidental ways that Edward wasn't. Whereas Edward had a face sculpted to scream out his magnificence, Jacob's was more subdued, less ostentatious. He was muscular, his arms and chest rippling with silent strength. His hair flopped around his face, just long enough to fall to the sides rather than stand straight up. His skin, a fantastic copper in color, wasn't dull but brilliant. Even his face, once boyish and child-like, was molded to accentuate his strong jaw, his high cheekbones, his full lips. The almost-permanent smile and good attitude left him shining in a permanent state of elation. I couldn't stop myself from staring at his face, then his chest, always bare. He pulled me in for a tight hug, and he eased the door shut silently. He went into the kitchen, pulling a soda out from the fridge.
"Sam had a great idea," he whispered, popping the can open with a fizzing sound. "He was thinking about the fortu- I mean Alice, and he thinks that maybe she should try to see him." I pushed my eyebrows together, confused.
"See who?" I asked, leaning against the counter.
"Sam," he clarified. "Since he's older, she should try to see him. He's had a lot longer to control the phasing, and he thinks he'll probably stop phasing before the rest of us do. If she could see me when I was aging again, maybe Sam would let her see earlier." I thought for a moment, considering. It sounded possible enough.
"I'll call her in the morning," I whispered back, kissing him lightly. We crept as silently as we could upstairs and into my room. I paused for a moment at Charlie's room; I snickered when I heard his snoring from behind the closed door. Jake was standing at the window to my room, the pane open wide.
"Yeah, she'll call her tomorrow," he was saying. I crept up behind him to see him staring down at Jared outside. Jake turned around, smiling sheepishly at me, and Jared waved, grinning. "I couldn't wait, sorry." I squeezed his arm and went to my desk, picking up the few novels that were strewn there.
"Does she think it could work?" Jared asked, his voice low.
"It doesn't matter," Jake said impatiently. "If there's any chance that it'll work, we have to give it a try, right?" Jared said something I didn't hear, and then Jake closed the window tightly. I started to put the books back on my bookshelf, organizing. He was suddenly right behind me, his arms snaking around my waist. I leaned back into him, smiling.
"I decided something," I said, continuing to put the books away. He mumbled a noise into my hair, kissing my head.
"What's up?" he muttered, his fingers spreading out across my stomach. I put the small stack back down on my desk and turned to look at him.
"If it means that much to you, I think I'll go to that party with you," I said, watching his reaction. His eyes lit up, and he grabbed me, spinning me around in the air. I tried to keep my giggling quiet, the peals bouncing back to me.
"Seriously Bells?" He was too loud, and I tried to shush him, still spinning. "Thank you! God, I never thought you were gonna go! I thought I was gonna have to trade back that eternity of servitude to make you go! This is awesome!" He set me down and kissed me, grabbing my face in his massive hands. The overwhelming emotion that flooded out of him destroyed my guard, and I kissed him back just as eagerly.
This kiss was different; I felt the fear of the unknown flow out of me. I was just Bella and he was just Jacob. We were still, above everything else, best friends. I had nothing to be afraid of around him. He was my sun, my protector, my Jacob. He pulled me to the bed, our lips still pressed together, and he laid me down gently, laying down beside me. I moved my head slightly, breaking the kiss to look at him. His eyes smoldered, and the tiny longing in my core grew, spreading a warmth through me that wasn't from Jacob's touch.
"We don't have to if you aren't ready," he murmured, bringing a hand to my face. His touch was hot, but my insides burned hotter, yearning.
"What if I want to?" I asked, so quietly I could barely hear the words. He gazed into my eyes, waiting for me to wriggle away, but when he saw no resistance, he leaned his face back to mine, kissing me. I wasn't afraid, and I didn't try to stop him. His hand slid down to my waist, tugging at the hem of my shirt. He pulled it over my head, and the burning in my stomach hitched, pushing out towards him, wanting to be closer. I wrapped my arms around to his back and pressed my fingers into his skin.
We molded together perfectly; this was not fire and ice but rather thunder and lightning, two pieces that made up a whole. I had been fighting him for so long that I wasn't sure how to let go, but it was so easy to touch him, to know where to kiss him, to know how to wrap around each other. Our relationship was so natural, like breathing, and this felt like singing. We were tentative, testing out the voice, the tone, the timbre, until we were perfectly in sync with each other, like two voices dancing through a practiced duet. I had been so afraid of myself, but I had been so wrong to be scared. I was alive, opening my eyes for the very first time, and it was Jake that I saw, my beautiful personal sun.