A/N: I'm so so so grateful to everyone that follows, favorites, sends messages, leaves reviews, and even just reads this! I love the feedback, so please, even if you hate it, keep it coming! Also I'm sorry I was slacking over Thanksgiving break, but I hope to churn out chapters a little faster now that I'm back home :)
That night, Jake had drawn me with him to a new place, a place Edward and I could never have been. We couldn't sleep, so alive with the new hunger between us, a desire for each other. We curled into each other, Jacob surrounding me, in our own world. He was gentle with me, and I felt myself craving more. We were quiet after, tangled up in one another. His hand absently stroked my hair, and I breathed him in like I had never truly seen him before.
"Bells?" he murmured, his voice low in my ear. I shivered, and he drew me closer to him. "I love you." I sighed.
"Love you more," I mumbled, my speech garbled. I kissed him again, the new tingling inside of me humming with an emotion I couldn't name. I wondered, faintly, if this was what imprinting felt like. If it was, I understood what all the fuss was about; my soul burned for him, like he was a part of me.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked quietly. I sighed into him.
"Imprinting, actually," I said. I felt his head turn to look down at me.
"What about imprinting?" he asked, curious. I stared up at him, my Jacob.
"I just wondered what it was like." He moved his hand from my back to my hair, combing his fingers through it gently.
"A lot like this," he said softly. I smiled into his side.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked. He didn't answer, still running his fingers through my hair. He moved his hand around to my chest, resting his warm palm against my heart. I could hear the faint bum-bum beneath his touch.
"I was thinking how happy I am that you're still you," he said, a note of anxiety tinging his tone. I understood the meaning behind the words, his hand on my heart. I kissed his arm, ignoring the irritating bumping of Edward's tiny heart stirring. We were quiet again, my hand absently tracing the muscled lines of his stomach.
"Jake?" I asked after a few minutes. He made a small sound of acknowledgment, his chest vibrating. "I had a question."
"What's that?"
"It's about biology." He glanced back down at me, questioning. "I just thought, if you can heal so fast…well, I was just wondering if that extended anywhere else, too." He laughed quietly in my ear, sending another shiver through me in unfamiliar ways. He ran his fingertips down my back, gripping when he reached my waist, and pulled me back to him again.
Somewhere far away, distantly, I heard a screaming snarl of absolute raw agony.
From that night on, everything with Jake was different. I felt a foreign intensity in our contact, a burning desire in our lingering stares. I no longer wanted to be around other people with him, and we spent most of our time together alone, on the beach or in my room or in my truck driving around aimlessly, the presence of others like an intrusion on the aching energy between us. I felt like I was holding my breath whenever we were apart, desperate for him to return and breathe for me. For the first time, I felt like we matched. It wasn't Jake loving me without me returning his feelings or me wanting Jake but being afraid of his rejection; it was a mutual electricity, a shared passion for each other.
Edward was a distant memory. His angry face didn't haunt my dreams, and his fuming snarling had receded into a blind shadow of rage. I took every memory of him, from the first day in the lunchroom to the sight of his back running from the pack, and tucked them away into a box, locking it. My mind, so consumed with Jake, was gracious for the relief from his torturous guilt. I finally took his crystal heart off of my charm bracelet and hid it under the floorboards in an old jewelry bag, sticking one of the last remnants of him down under the floorboards where he had hidden himself before.
For the first time, I looked into finding a place for myself. I was in no position to buy a house, but I hoped for an apartment or small home close to Jacob. La Push had no rental options, but Forks did; I found a small guest house, barely the size of a closet, that I could afford with my library job. It was tiny, but it was close to Jake, and I knew Charlie didn't want me living there forever. If I wasn't going to go to college, I reasoned, I at least needed to start my life.
Alice, after Jake explained his theory to her over the phone, was adamant that she come to Forks to test it out. He had grinned throughout the conversation, talking too fast and too loud. He didn't want to let me see, but I knew he was still terrified over her vision. The thought of me dying had been enough to drive him crazy when we weren't together; I could only imagine how painful it was for him now that I was truly with him. We didn't bring it up, and I tried not to consider the possibilities, though scenarios cycled through my head unconsciously sometimes. My life had been in danger for as long as I could remember, and this, strangely, was a familiar emotion. To me, worrying about when I would die was like an old friend.
The beach party was scheduled for the weekend before school started, and a week before, Alice came to visit. She brought with her an armload of thin boxes full of clothing that she had bought for me in Europe. I took the boxes from her gingerly and crushed her into a hug, her golden eyes dancing. I always forgot how much I missed her until she was back, her presence filling a gap I didn't realize had formed in her absence.
After spending time with me and Jake at Charlie's, we drove alone out to the Cullens' old house, still pristine and untouched. In a flash, she spread out a blanket in the lawn and sat down, patting the space in front of her for me. I laughed, leaning back on my hands. After days of constant rain, it was as if the clouds had run out of water, but they hung ominously, waiting to pour again.
"You have to tell me everything," she said excitedly, barely able to sit still.
"Everything is really broad, Alice," I reminded her. "Give me specifics." Her eyes glazed over for about a second, trying to pick one topic from the many that were bouncing around in her head.
"Jake said you're looking for a place to live!" she exclaimed, grasping onto something. "Is Charlie bothering you?"
"Not at all," I replied. "Charlie's wonderful. I just feel like, if I'm not in college, I should at least have a place of my own. Be a grown up, and all that." Alice's laugh twinkled around us like shimmering bubbles of light.
"Why not just live here?" She gestured behind us to the house. I wrinkled my nose.
"I could never live somewhere this big. Plus, I doubt Jake would like the smell." Alice laughed again, her head thrown back.
"You know Carlisle wouldn't mind."
"Yeah, but I would." She rolled her eyes.
"It's an empty house and you need a place to live on your own. What's the harm in taking advantage of the place while we're gone?"
"I don't think Charlie would be happy about it," I said finally, grasping at any possible excuse. She looked at me pointedly, seeing right through me.
"It's because Edward used to live here, isn't it?" I felt absolutely nothing at his name, to my surprise and, I found, relief.
"Partially," I admitted. "I just think it would be a little awkward, especially for Jake. And I was looking for somewhere closer to him than this." Alice thought for a moment, her eyes looking at something behind me.
"I hate not being able to see!" she cried. "Having Jake in the way, I can't tell what you decide!"
"I found a place, I think," I offered, and her eyes turned back to me in a flash. "It's small, but it's in town and I could afford it with my job."
"We should go see it while I'm here," she chimed, excited again. "I want to help you pick out furniture and color palettes before you make a firm decision." I groaned at the idea of paint samples and expensive furniture stores. I tried to change the subject.
"What else do you want me to tell you about? You did say everything, after all." She turned her gaze to me, her head slightly sideways, a teasing smile playing at her lips.
"I think you need to tell me about things with the dog," she said coyly. I raised an eyebrow, not following her train of thought. "I can see the way you two look at each other. Something big happened." My cheeks suddenly flushed bright red, and I felt even the skin on my arms burn with embarrassment.
"Oh, Alice, please don't," I begged. She crossed her arms over her chest, pouting.
"I thought I was your best friend," she complained, her beatific features souring. "At least tell me if I'm right." I sighed loudly.
"Yeah, you're right." She grinned.
"Is that why you want to move out of Charlie's?"
"No!" I said, too loudly. I cleared my throat, still uncomfortable. "I mean, no. I just want a place of my own."
"If you say so," she sang, laughing.
I had missed her terribly.
I called the landlord who was renting out the guest house, and he agreed to let me come back and see it again with Alice. We left her house after another few hours outside, after she had told me everything she could about her travels to find a vampire like her. Just as she thought, she found none who could do what she could, and the dead end had left her sullen. When I had called, she was in Greece, and the excuse to come home was a welcome one. I called Jake on the way over to the guest house, asking him to let Sam know about Alice being back in town. He asked me to call him when we were driving to La Push, the treaty on hold so that she could cross the boundary line.
The guest house was nestled in a small neighborhood behind a large yellow house, surrounded by a flower garden. It was light green with white shutters, the door smack in the middle. The roof was punctuated with a small brick chimney from the fireplace in the living room. The kitchen was small, but the white cabinets were new, and the fridge worked fine. The bathroom, connected to the tiny bedroom, had a stand-up shower instead of a tub and barely any counter for the sink. But, despite its size, the windows all opened, the appliances worked, and the water pressure was great; it was perfect.
Alice threw the landlord off-balance, his voice faltering as she greeted him in her musical tone. He was happier than the first time I had looked, obviously pleased that I had liked the place enough to return with a friend. Alice immediately loved it; even though the house was small, it had everything I needed, and she loved the quaint and cozy charm. She and the landlord discussed electricity and heating costs while I wandered through the rooms. I pictured my bed with my faded quilt in the bedroom, a tiny couch nestled under the window in the living room. I went back outside to join Alice, who was leaning in closer to the landlord, an older man named Ted. He looked dazed, intoxicated by her.
"I suppose that makes sense," he was saying absently, staring at her beautiful features. She smiled brightly, flashing her teeth, and he blinked.
"I'm glad you understand," she chimed, turning to face me. "Bella and I are so close, and I just want to make sure she has a great place that I can visit." He nodded his head, too fast, and turned to me.
"Alice here is so right," he said, still nodding slightly. "I'll include your utilities with mine so that you just have to pay rent. It's only right." I glanced at Alice, who was standing beside him looking angelic. I had forgotten how much of an effect the Cullens had on people.
"If you haven't found anyone else, then, I'd love to rent it out," I said, smiling wide. He smiled back, rubbing the back of his neck.
"That's great!" he said, looking back at Alice and thinking, I was sure, of how often she had probably promised to visit. "I'll go grab the lease right now." With that, he turned back inside the yellow house, glancing back at Alice twice before disappearing through the door. She smirked at me.
"You're lucky he's a man," she said slyly, folding her arms. "I wouldn't have gotten him down that low if he was a girl." I laughed, reaching over and pulling her into an embrace. She giggled with me, and I looked beyond her to my new home.
Jake was waiting for me at the boundary line, wearing the same plain black shirt – for Alice's sake – from the morning and looking just as uncomfortable as before. Alice pulled her canary yellow car over to the side of the road, and I threw open my door too fast, the sight of Jake making my brain fuzzy. He leaned down to wrap his arms around me, the tightness in my chest freeing me from its grip. He kissed the top of my head, and I gazed up at him, forgetting Alice, forgetting everything.
"Hey," he said, grinning. I smiled back.
"Hey," I breathed. I pressed my face to his chest and inhaled, my lungs filling with him. His head whipped around suddenly, and he pushed me slightly away from him. I glanced up at him, confused, but he motioned to the Porsche. Alice, from the front seat, was smirking, staring at us. The heat of a blush filled my cheeks, and I took another step away from him. He reached down for my hand, our constant connection.
"Let's go!" Alice shouted, beeping her horn. I blushed again.
"Meet me at Sam's," he whispered, leaning down for a quick kiss. I rushed back to the car, watching him retreat to the forest. He was far too big to fit into the tiny sports car, so he ran, following us right at the tree line. I could see the streak of his russet brown fur as he trailed us.
"Isabella Swan," Alice scolded, glancing at me. The engine purred. "You were holding out on me. Don't you love me?" I rolled my eyes and turned back to the road, trying to pick Jacob out between the trees.
Jake beat us back to Sam's, lingering at the edge of the forest as we pulled up. Alice clicked her tongue a few times for emphasis, but I ignored her. I was amazed at how the sight of him made me feel, how his smile melted through me like warm honey. I tried to walk slowly and casually to him, but I couldn't bear the distance: I almost ran to him, grabbing his hand like a life jacket. I shuddered with the warm contact, the fullness filling my chest. He kissed the top of my head, my favorite.
"I'm hurt, Bella," Alice called from the car. In one of her inhumanly fast movements, she was suddenly right by my side, her arm snaking through my free arm. "You just left me by the car. You and the pup are very inconsiderate." I rolled my eyes, and Jake chuckled. The front door of the tiny house opened, and Sam stood in the doorway, looking tense. It took me a moment to realize that the strain in his eyes was caused by Alice being in La Push.
"Come on in," he said, trying to sound cheerful. Alice, trying to make it easier, smiled lightly. She constructed her features into a passive but friendly face. She led the way into the house, being careful not to touch Sam on the way in. He clapped Jake on the shoulder, eyeing him. Jake nodded. I wondered what the exchange meant.
"You have a beautiful home," Alice remarked politely. It was strange to see her in the house, always so full of wolves, and her presence felt almost wrong. Her beautiful face was almost too brilliant for the tiny living room. Sam, his eyebrows still creased slightly, smiled back at her, and she stood off to the side, trying to be as unobtrusive as possible.
"So last time," Jacob said, trying to break the tension, "Alice could see me when I could finally stop phasing. Do you want to explain it a little more?" He looked over at her, and she relaxed, moving forward slightly.
"As you know, I can see things," she said calmly. "Things change based on different decisions, though, so futures change frequently. I also can't see any of the wolves, which we always thought might be because of your uncertain future, what with your shifting. Some things are set in stone, though, and I looked at Jacob's future twice but saw Bella…I couldn't see Bella either time." Jake squeezed my hand, trying to keep his face composed.
"Sam, with you being older and more experienced with your phasing, you might be able to stop yourself from turning sooner than Jake, and that will make your future visible to me sooner. I must warn you," she said quietly, turning to look at Jake, "that this may not work. Whatever happens to Bella may still happen before I can see Sam. In that case, we'll at least know a time frame for when to expect…" She trailed off, and Jake's face lost color, his hand going slack in mine. I scrambled for him, wrapping both hands around his, squeezing. He looked like he would be sick.
"Jake, you can go sit on the couch," Sam offered, eyeing him. Jake nodded mutely, rigidly walking with me to the couch. He sat down in a trance. I rubbed his hand with mine. This had been a bad idea, bringing Alice back. Jake didn't have to be there for this. Still, selfishly, I was glad to have him, glad for his comfort.
"I think it would be best if you sat as well, Sam," Alice said lightly, her voice kind and almost professional. He nodded, taking a seat at the smaller couch. Alice folded herself lithely onto the floor at his feet, staring up at him.
"What do I need to do?" he asked, his nose wrinkling slightly.
"I'll need to touch you," she said. He inhaled sharply. "My visions work best with physical contact, especially in this case." He glanced at Jake, limp on the couch beside me, and took a deep breath.
"Go ahead," he said warily, watching her. Alice nodded and touched her hand lightly to his knee. He shivered at her touch but didn't pull away. Her eyes glassed over, searching for his future. It was very quiet for a few moments, which became a few minutes, which dragged onto five agonizing minutes.
"Is she all right?" Sam asked, glancing at me. She hadn't moved, a perfect statue perched on the floor. Jake sank deeper and deeper into the couch with the agony of waiting. I squeezed his hand and stood, sitting beside her.
"Alice?" I said quietly. She didn't move. "Alice?" I tried a little louder, but she was frozen. I peeked at Sam, who looked worried. Jake put his head into his hands, unable to watch. I put my hand onto her arm, and she jumped slightly. She blinked a few times and focused on me, her eyes burning into mine.
"Bella, I could look into Sam's future forever," she said softly, in awe. Sam cocked his head to the side.
"Did you see anything?" he asked. She shook her head a few times, clearing her thoughts.
"It's amazing what I can see with you," she said, looking at him with wonder. "Your future is so beautiful! Your children, your wife, your family…" Her eyes glazed over again, and I shook her slightly to get her to focus.
"Alice, we need to know more about me," I reminded her. She looked at me in agony, and my heart plummeted. Jake, having finally taken his head from his hands to watch, got up from the couch and ran out the door, quivering. I stood to follow, but Sam put a hand on my shoulder, holding me there.
"He'll be okay," he assured me. "Seth is out running right now, and he's a good listener. Right now, we need to figure this out." Alice looked pained.
"I still couldn't see Bella," she said softly. "You were already gone. Counting back from when I could see Sam, whatever is going to happen to you is coming soon." I didn't want to ask, but I had to know.
"How far ahead can you see Sam?" I asked timidly. She pursed her lips, not wanting to answer.
"A year," she whispered. A tremor rocked through me, splitting me apart. I felt the familiar tendrils of panic licking at my chest, and I had to turn away so that they couldn't see the blood drain from my face.
"Bella," Alice said quietly, touching her fingertips to my arm. "We can figure this out. I'm sure of it." I nodded numbly.
"I need to wash my face," I mumbled, standing. Alice let me go, her hand fluttering back into her lap. I heard her and Sam whispering intently as soon as I left the room.
In the stillness of the tiny bathroom, I felt the weight of Alice's vision crash over me. I was going to die in less than a year. I slumped to the ground against the closed door, covering my face with my hands. I craved Jake's comfort, his strong arms, his warm chest. I shook my head hard, trying to clear my thoughts. I felt suddenly drained. I left the bathroom in a hurry back out to Alice and Sam huddled together. They didn't notice me standing in the entrance to the hallway.
"Can you take me home, Alice?" I asked, my voice much louder than theirs. They whipped around to look at me, their faces pulled into concentration. Alice shot up, gliding over to me.
"I'll meet you out in the car in a second," she said, her voice soothing. "You can go out and wait for me." I glanced at Sam, who was staring at us, an unfathomable expression in his eyes. I went outside wordlessly, and Alice met me in the car a few moments later. She ran her hands through her pixie-cut hair, and it struck me as odd. I realized that I had rarely seen her stressed.
We drove in silence, her engine revving as she pushed the car faster. We got to Charlie's faster than I thought possible, and I hurried up the stairs, ignoring Charlie's questioning glance. I heard Alice behind me, placating things, as I sat down on the bed, my mind reeling. Alice helped me lay down against my pillows, and she draped my quilt over me. I was silent as she curled her legs up under her on the edge of my bed, humming a beautiful melody.
Jacob didn't come back. I ached for him, craved his touch, longed for his comfort. He was lost in the woods, running away from the fear that was almost pulling me under. I worried for him, above my fear, above my pain. He was alone; I knew how scary that could be.
We stayed there for hours, but despite my exhaustion, I couldn't sleep. I don't know how long Alice waited with me before she decided to leave. I barely noticed her leave.
A year. I was going to die, with Alice's certainty, within a year. I closed my eyes, spiraling down, down, down.