Chapter 7 : Driftwood Memory
She was sick of it all, tired and sick of it all. Alone in her room, she pours her eyes out and tries to stifle her cries. 'It wasn't her fault' she rationalises. It definitely was not her fault.
The rabbit escaped the cage, and was run over by a bicycle. Hajime was nowhere near the cage, she did not leave the cage open, she only went to water the plants that's all.
"That's all!" she screams at herself. Her life was hell, she wishes she could die. Everyday was torture and hell and she has had enough. She feigns sickness for a few days until her mother grows suspicious of it. With no option left, she returns to school.
"Oi look...its her right?"
"Yeah I heard she also let the flowers wilt."
"I heard she also messed up the garden."
"Yeah the absolute worst."
"Ugly girl."
"What's with her clothes, looks expensive."
"Rich girl, thinks she can look down on us."
Hajime has a routine. Go to school early in the morning, find her indoor shoes. Go to class, clean the board of insults directed to her and find her desk. Sometimes her desk if she is lucky, he desk would be there. Of course there are insults written across it but is is better than locating and dragging it back. Go through class, eat lunch in the toilet with her belongings. Go through class. Locate her outdoor shoes and then leave for home. Go into her room, undress and shower. Have tea, and do homework. Eat dinner and go to her room. Cry and finally fall asleep. Rinse and repeat.
Simple isn't it?
She has gotten used to it, surprisingly. What was she doing really? All she did was to follow her friends, did everything so she wouldn't be hated. Why did it turn out like this. Hajime always liked cooking, but sometimes the sharp edge of the knife seems to look more and more appealing. Certainly she does not want to die, but if this is the life she is to live, dying seems more natural.
This logic grows more and more compelling over the weeks. Absentmindedly, she draws the knife over her left wrist, slowly and softly. It is sharp enough to just scratch the surface of her skin, even when she wasn't pressing down on the knife. A little more force and it would be over, the thought raced through her mind, like fire her body grow more nervous, anxious, excited at his new prospect of fight and flight. Hajime feels powerful and restless, in absolute control. Absentmindedly, she draws the knife over her wrist again, with a little more force, slowly, carefully-
"HAJIME!"
A scream breaks her mindless stupor, and she is jolted back to reality. Her mom stands under the doorway, looking scared and angry. A sting draws her attention, the knife is tainted with red, dripping red. Her wrist was stained in a deep crimson she has never seen before. The pain, unnoticeable at first but slowly throbbed with emotion and feeling, more intense than she ever felt. Tears slowly roll down her face, she loved it, it was proof that she was still alive.
Her mother quickly washes and disinfects her wounds, more than one cut existed. Hajime wonders when that happened.
"I only did it once."
"Then why are there five open wounds?!"
"...an accident?"
She felt cornered, every emotion she had hidden from her mother for months began to boil up and burst out her eyes. Hajime closes them trying miserably to push it back down.
"What's wrong Hajime?" Her mother asks, concerned and strict.
"Nothing..."
"Hajime, tell me. Mommy will help you, I won't abandon you."
And Hajime gives in. The tears pouring faster and harder than ever, she cries more than the times she cried alone in her room. In a week, she is withdrawn from the curriculum. Her father decides to move closer to Tokyo and Hajime says goodbye to her home. Her new house, was five times bigger than her old one Hajime gets three entire rooms to herself, one for studying, one for sleeping, and and adjacent one to keep her toys.
In Tokyo, she receives something called Sai-ko-logical (psychological) treatment at a Sai-ko-logical In-stee-tiute (psychological institute). The people were nice and gave her sweets. She comes to like it there, and looks forward to her appointments. During the first two years she spends there, Hajime gets something called a Private Tyuu-tor (Tutor). As she understands it, a teacher comes to her house and teaches her. Hajime is the only one in her class, no one else is in the same class. She is told that there are other students, she just doesn't know where.
She grows fond of math and Science and enjoys painting and playing the piano and violin and flute and whatever musical instrument comes in her hand. She gives her first recital 9 months later. She is awarded 5th grade in all of them.
During her weekends, her father trains her in his 'proper behaviour class' as he calls it.
"Hajime, one day you will inherit this estate and you must learn how to behave properly in the public eye."
"Ehh? I will in-hairy this cake? What is a pub eye?"
She enjoys the times when she draws with her mom. Her mother would cut pieces of paper and make pretty flowers with them, she wants to try too.
"I want to try."
"No Hajime, you might cut yourself."
"I won't I won't"
She will wait for years before she will be trusted with another sharp object. Hajime wonders why.
"Mom, why is everyone so worried about me?"
"Where did you get that idea from?"
"Because everywhere I go, there will always be someone somewhere watching me, the maids the servants and even the gardener."
She no longer sees them from that day onwards, though she still feels like she is watched. She learns a lot from her mom, she tells her of many thing. She also teaches her about people in general, when they of out shopping, she points out different people and asks her what kind of person they are. Hajime is bad at the game, but she gets better. Her mother also teaches her that first impressions are not always the whole story, deeper observation and research is required.
Hajime sees a pair of scissors. The most beautiful pair. The silver handle arching ever so gently and the gold tinge wrapping ever so subtly around the edges. The arch of the handle resembles a cane standing in the shallow water, patiently waiting for food to swim by. The blades, where replaceable and glowed with metallic razor sharpness. The finish of the handle gave the illusion of feathers on the wings, enhanced by the gold outlines. She has fallen in love. She begs her mother for months and months. Her mother never relents.
Sometimes, when she has lunch, Hajime would see a group of school kids go by on their way home. A sense of longing that is foreign to her slowly envelops her heart. Over a period of 10 years, this feeling would grow continuously and steadily, for now it was but a small prick in her heart. He mother notices unbeknownst to her, and she contemplates or rather, entertains the idea of letting Hajime return to elementary school.
After two years, Hajime has been given the opportunity to go back to school. She is little apprehensive, but she also feels...wierd. She is going to be 10 years old next year and has now grown a little. She feels like she is no longer the girl she used to be. She transfers in a little into spring. The cherry blossoms have already long bloomed and gone.
It took a lot of convincing, begging, and throwing of tantrums for her parents to finally give in. Sure she was only a 6th grader but she should be more than old enough to live on her own. Of course her father would hear nothing of it, no matter for she could use her secret weapon...mom.
Her mother was the one her father listened to unquestioningly, faithfully. To get father to agree, first she had to convince mom.
"I don't understand why you want to live alone. Are we not providing enough for you?"
"You guys are doing just fine mom."
"Then there really is no reason to live alone right?"
Hajime understands, but will not relent.
"Mom...You told me once that I should be myself, think for myself. I think I understand now, so pleeeeaaase~"
The ultimate weapon, a cute pout and irrefutable logic and immeasurable persistence. Mom relents after the 16th try.
"On the condition that a caretaker will be living with you."
"But I want to be alone."
"Of course, she will be there simply to assist you if needed, and to keep an eye on you. Your father has already agreed to you living alone, at least agree to his condition."
"It's not really 'alone' but alright."
Whilst they get the affair straightened out, Hajime makes one last final paper bird. She has not made one in three years, since moving to Tokyo but she still remembers every step. This time, she makes a white silver bird, with light blue and pink highlights. She leaves everything behind, her diaries and stationary, and beloved notebooks. They will remain here together as she makes of on her brand new adventure. Her beloved 'silver crane' as she calls it, a present when she turned ten, will be left behind too. She places it carefully into its casing and keeps it in her desk.
Her parents buy a small apartment in the city, a tad spacious but generally alright. Its close to her new middle school and her caretaker will be Aunty Shiro, a middle aged woman who was her nanny since she was a child.
"My how you've grown so quickly. Only 12 and living alone out in the city?"
"Haha well its not quite alone but yeah."
As instructed, Aunt Shiro does not tend to her, nor does she take care of the house.
"But at least let me do the dishes and laundry." she insists.
Her new friends were nice, though she is still weary of people. She does not care anymore though, let them think what they want,Hajime will do what Hajime wants. Over time, she makes actual friends, her notebooks were still her favourites of course. Her new 'people' friends were nice enough people, and like her were also a little air headed.
Over time, they have become quite good friends. Even so, she keeps herself a little detached from them.
"Hajime, sometimes, you have this weird look" Izumi says.
"Yeah, like you are thinking about something very seriously." Inami finishes.
"Really? Usually people would say I'm smiley all the time."
"But you are. Sometimes though, those smiles seems little sad."
"Haha well I was just thinking about something, don't mind though I'm fine." She says a little too quick. Her friends get the message, she doesn't want to tell them. They ask her about the new series of scissors coming out next month instead.
Spring goes by and summer comes around, the middle year tests come and go and they receive their scores. Hajime places in the top ten in the whole school.
"An average of 98 in all maths, science, history, social studies and liberal arts but a B in Japanese and English."
"Hehe... I thought I did quite well in the languages."
"According to the teachers, it seems that your comprehension was exceptional, you understood perfectly the problems at hand rather it was the way you answered that was the problem."
"I think I answered fine though."
Reading through, her answers were indeed...
"Hajime..."
"Hajime chan..."
They were speechless. How was she able to score so well in History, yet unable to even score high in languages?
"You know, I read somewhere that all it takes is a few hundred words to form basic conversations? I guess it is because I have enough vocabulary to write down stuff, but not enough to like impress the teachers in language I guess.."
"What a waste, if you only put in a little more effort..."
As a result of her scoring high, her friends and a few classmates have pestered her to tutor them. So she invites them over to her house on a Saturday. She prepares tea, cold drinks and some handmade snacks for her guests. Some cookies for the dainty girls, and some onigiri for the hungry guys.
"Wow, I didn't know your house was so big."
"Haha is it? I think it is quite small. When I first moved in, it was quite big but now it seems smaller than I remember."
"Really? Are you're parents home?"
"Nah I live alone"
"Alone? In this big two story five room apartment?"
"Y-Yeah? Like I said its not that big."
Her friends look astonished, perhaps she was wrong somewhere?
Anyway, after their initial surprise it is down to work.
"Anyway like I said, first you do this, then you follow it down like this, then you tickle it a little here like this and you get 3x - 4y = 7 which is the answer."
"O-Okay."
"After that, you combine it with this here like this, then play chase it around the tree like this, and you get x = 9 which you then send home like this and then y will behave and come out to y = 5. Okay?"
"O-Okay. So you do this..."
"Yep"
"Then this..."
"Yep"
"Then this?"
"No no you do this..."
"O-Okay like this?"
"Yep"
"Then like this?"
"Correct!"
It takes some time, but it seems they understand her method of teaching now. It gets easier and easier to teach them Hajime wonders. It was until evening that they finished.
"Haaaaa~ Hajime, you really are a genius you know?" Izumi notes.
"Hmmm?"
"Yeah, while we were trying our best, you were playing with what seemed to be high school math." Inami says.
"Ahh that. Well recently I was like whoa and felt like I needed to go further you know? Soon I was finished reading through the entire textbook and needed to find the next level book to read you know~"
"No we don't. Anyway, do you have something to eat?"
"Ohh, the snacks have finished?"
"Yeah. Every single bite is gone."
"Why don't you make diner Ichinose?" suggest a guy classmate, Souta if she remembers right.
"Well I guess I could."
"Really? Hell yeah."
The guys were energetic today huh?
"Anything we can help with Hajime?"
"Could you flambe the steaks, prepare the sauce and stir the veggies while I prepare the fish and rice?"
"Err...we could do the rice and stir the veggies?"
"Okay then I'll do the rest."
A big dinner, Hajime has eaten quite a lot today. After dinner, her friends left for home. The girls leave in groups, the guys leave one by one. Izumi and Inami stay behind until all the guys leave.
"Oi Ichinose, You got a boyfriend?"
"Oi Souta, how could you ask a girl something like that?" Izumi rebukes.
"What? Just asking."
"Boyfriend? Nope not currently. Why?"
"Heh...you don't have one? What about a guy you like?"
"Hmmm not really."
"Why not?" Inami asks.
It appears Izumi and Inami have been drawn into the conversation.
"Well the guys don't seem like my type, rather I'm not interested at all."
The boys all look dejected and depressed. Once they leave, Izumi and Inami laugh.
"Whats so funny?" Hajime asks.
"Well you indirectly rejected every single guy in our class."
Hajime resolves to pay more attention to people next time.
At night, Hajime walks around the house. The city lights shining like thousands of stars, yet they seem empty and lacklustre compared to the countryside she grew up in. She feels restless, empty almost, a hunger she has not felt in some time. Somehow, Hajime feels like something is near, like her destiny is awaiting. Restlessness creeps into her, her empty heart craves for it to be filled.
Elsewhere, a lone blonde boy would meet a tall mysterious man. Many identical girls prowl the city, unseen and unnoticed. A man smokes in a bar, playing darts and two foreign friends have a drink in a large underground basement.
Hajime graduates soon after and moves to high school. Her friends Inami and Izumi joins her as well.