Without even realizing it, the days started to pass. Alice went back to Maine, Chris and Leah went back to California, and I got back to my life. Each day, I went to the library to work, and each day, I came home to Jake. There was always a terror in the back of my mind, a slow creep of fear: it was in the whisper of wind through a curtain, or the creaking of floorboards at night. I did my best to believe Alice when she assured me that we could at least enjoy the holidays before worrying again. Even though she couldn't see me anymore and hadn't seen anything since William's visit, she was still sure of the original timeline, which meant I still had a few months left.
Jacob finally heard back from the counsel, who decided to let him graduate a year early in the spring. We were both so happy that we went to Seattle for a nice dinner to celebrate. We started applying to universities, both of us lying on the floor at Charlie's house, filling out the same questions over and over. We applied for all of the same schools, mostly those in Washington, and we promised we would go together, wherever we were both accepted.
Days turned into weeks. Thanksgiving came and went. There was a big dinner down in La Push, and I helped Emily cook the enormous meal, an ordeal that ended up taking two days. The pack, Billy, Charlie, Sue, and even Leah all crowded into Sam and Emily's house, spilling out into her yard. The rain had held off, so the boys had dragged huge logs over for us to sit. It was an easy night, like breathing; I didn't have to worry about being the odd one out, and it was a welcome change. I fit in with the boys effortlessly, and my place was forged into their family.
Edward was gone. He had left for good, as far as I could tell. Alice told me that he'd been in Denali for a while before he got in a fight with Tanya and decided to finally move to Maine with the rest of the Cullens. Carlisle was relieved to finally have him back with the family, and Alice said he wasn't moping around as much as she'd expected him to. Esme, whom I'd made a concentrated effort to call more often, talked about how he was playing the piano again, which she took as a good sign. I hoped for the best: I was happy, and all I ever wanted was the same for him.
There was no news from Italy. Alice watched constantly, hoping to see a change. Jake had suggested trying a break-up again to let Alice see if things had changed, but she thought it wouldn't work this time with everyone knowing the plan. She did check Sam again to see if the scout had quelled Aro's efforts, but I was still gone within a year. Much later, when Jake was at school, Alice told me that she wouldn't be looking into Sam's future again, simply because she couldn't bear to see Jake so broken and alone. I tried my best not to think of what would happen when the Volturi came, what it would do to the people I'd be leaving behind.
When I was with Jake, I was happy. When I was at work, I was patient and helpful. When I spent time with Charlie, I was talkative. But inside, I was hollow. I could hide it from everyone but Sam: somehow, he knew how afraid I was, how much it hurt to think about my dwindling time. Jacob and I were putting on a perfect act, performing a well-rehearsed play for the world; we were happy, but I was dying, and there was nothing that either of us could do to stop it.
On a Thursday a few weeks before Christmas, it finally snowed, a blanket of immaculate white. La Push's school declared a snow day, and with the long weekend, I wanted to spend some real time with Jacob. I wanted to do nice things with him, do nice things for him. My library job didn't pay much, but with Alice's help in getting my landlord to reduce the rent, I'd managed to save up a little bit of money. It was supposed to be a little bit of cash for college, something to get me started; it was only in my own mind that I knew it wouldn't make it that long, that I might as well spend it while I was alive. On Friday, with the snow still sprinkling around us, we drove to Seattle for the day, with big thick chains on my tires. We started at the mall, looking for Christmas presents.
"What do you think my dad would want?" Jake asked absentmindedly, picking up a fancy knife set and turning it over in his hands. "He's not really the present type."
"I think Billy would love an IOU for any structural damage you'll do to his house the next time you get angry," I countered, and he scowled at me.
"The house is fine and you know it," he mumbled. The week before, Colin's mom had screamed at him for being out late one night and he'd phased in his room, breaking his bed. It hadn't been pretty.
"Maybe something for the kitchen?" I suggested, turning towards the appliances. "Does he want a blender?"
"Nah, he's not the smoothie type," he replied, reaching out for a fancy wooden plate set.
"Wait, that's it!" Jake turned to me, a confused look on his face, and I motioned to the plates. "Carve him something! Just like you made me the little charm for my bracelet." I held up my wrist, the tiny wolf twirling on the chain. He smiled.
"I should carve him a big middle finger." I frowned at him, but he just smirked and walked back to put back the knife set that he was still holding.
"It could be something for the mantle," I continued, following after him. "Like a big wolf. Or even just a bird."
"Honey, carving something takes a while," he said, gently putting the knives back in place. "Especially something big. I'm not sure I'd have time."
"Well, then I'm out of ideas," I admitted, my eyes on a nice coaster set for Charlie. Jake grabbed my hand. I looked up at his face, and he was just so beautiful. It was amazing how he could still get to me.
"No, I like it," he said, smiling. "I'll carve him something. Saves me money, at least." I laughed, and he squeezed my palm lightly.
"I want to get Charlie some coasters." I reached for the set, six big circular tiles with a sort of leafy texture on them.
"Do I have to get Charlie something now? If I have to then you have to get Billy something." I thought for a minute.
"It's up to you."
"What about a joint gift? Something from both of us to both of them? It could be fishing stuff so they can share it."
"That's a really good idea, Jake," I said, smiling again. We went to the store's fishing section and picked out a large tackle box filled with repair supplies: extra fishing line, a tiny screwdriver set for their rods, and a few lures. I found a fancy journal with embossed pages and an attached calligraphy pen for Renee, who I knew would love the new project of learning calligraphy. With the parent gifts done, we went to the food court and got lunch, Jacob ordering enough food for two. We found a table a little out of the way and sat down.
"When do you think you'll stop eating so much?" I asked him. He rolled his eyes at me.
"Thanks."
"I'm serious, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm curious." He stuffed a wad of fries in his mouth and thought for a minute.
"It's probably because of the phasing," he replied, sipping at his drink. "Sam said it takes a lot of energy to go back and forth like that, and we need a lot of food for the energy. And I'm huge, so that doesn't help much. So your guess is as good as mine."
"Food's going to get expensive next year when we're living together, if you keep eating like that," I teased. Jake looked like he was going to choke on his food.
"Wait, what?" He coughed a little, and I raised my eyebrows. "You want to live together next year?" I laughed, but when I looked at him again, he was looking at me expectantly.
"Of course," I said easily, almost meanly. "Where else would we live?"
"I just didn't know you wanted that," he admitted, ducking his head and giving me the old puppy-dog look I loved.
"We're going to the same school for a reason," I said, reaching out for his hand. He took it and rubbed tiny circles into my skin. "I want to live together. I want to live together now, but you've still got school to worry about."
"I could still move in to your place!" His eyes lit up. "School isn't that far, and I basically live there now anyway!" I was smiling, almost laughing.
"Yes, but Billy and Charlie don't know that you sneak out every night to come over," I pointed out. He laughed, one short sound.
"You really think Billy doesn't know?" Heat filled my cheeks.
"Billy knows?"
"Billy knows."
"Great." I took a big gulp of soda. Jake laughed and squeezed my hand.
"You worry too much," he said lightly, popping a fry into his mouth. "He doesn't care. And he won't tell Charlie, I promise." That calmed me down a little.
"You might as well move in," I said thoughtfully. "I can make some space for your clothes when we get back. Do you have anything in your room that you'd want to bring too?" His smile was growing and growing, and I couldn't help but return it.
"Best Christmas present ever," he said, still grinning. I bit my lip.
"Shoot, Christmas present for you," I mumbled, quickly running over ideas in my mind.
"No, no presents," he said, brushing me off. "I've got you. I don't need anything else."
"Well, did you get me anything?"
"Of course I did," he said, smirking. "What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't get you a Christmas present?" I opened my mouth to make a retort, but he started laughing. "I don't need anything, you know that."
"But I want to," I protested, and he raised an eyebrow.
"Fine," he conceded. "But only one." I smiled. He leaned over the table and kissed me, and my toes tingled. I could work with that.
We drove back to La Push in comfortable silence, our presents in the backseat. Jacob's hand hovered on my thigh, comforting and warm, as we drove on. The snow had stopped, leaving a layer of white on everything from street signs to trees. It was one of the things I'd learned to love about Washington, the beauty of the first snow.
Billy was home when we got back to his house. Jake wanted to tell him that he was moving out with me there, which I opposed. I didn't want him getting angry at me for it. But Jake promised it would be fine, and we went into the house together.
"Jake?" Billy called from the other end of the house.
"Yeah, it's me," Jake replied, taking a seat on the living room sofa. I sat beside him, running my fingers absently up and down his arm.
"Are you staying for dinner? I was planning on going over to the Clearwater's, so I wasn't going to cook."
"I'm just going to go to Bella's for dinner," Jake called back, and I heard Billy coming into the room.
"Hi, Bella," he said, and I turned around, smiling.
"Hey, Billy."
"Dad, come here," Jake said. "I want to tell you something." That was fast. I took a breath, still nervous despite Jake's consoling.
"What's that?" Billy asked, coming into the living room and stopping in front of us.
"I want to move in with Bella," Jake said, dripping with confidence and joy. I felt myself smiling again. Billy raised his eyebrows.
"What about school?" he asked warily. "You still have until the spring."
"I can just drive from Forks, it's no big deal." Jake was nonchalant, but Billy wasn't buying it.
"I think you should stay here until you finish school," Billy said slowly. "I know you go there at night anyway but it's just a little early." This was what I'd expected, the 'it's-too-soon' speech. Jake's eyebrows pulled together in the middle, and I could feel his body start to tense up.
"What's the big deal?" he countered. He was whining like a child. "If I'm already over there all the time then I might as well move in for real. Who cares?"
"Have you told Charlie about your little plan?" Jake was quiet, and Billy nodded matter-of-factly. "Exactly."
"I don't see the problem," Jake said, his voice loud. "Bella and I are both on board, and I'm there all the time anyway. I don't care how long we've been dating, it's not like we're just going to break up like anyone else. Besides, there's not much time left, and-" His voice cut off, a car screeching to a halt. My heart stopped. I glanced up at Jake, and his face was tight, his eyes glossed over.
"Not much time left for what?" Billy asked suspiciously. He was squinting at Jake, who was just looking straight ahead, unseeing. It was quiet for a minute.
"Not much time for what?" Billy repeated. Jake turned to face him, with an unfathomable expression in his eyes. We never talked about it. No one knew besides the pack, Alice, and Edward. I didn't even let Alice tell the other Cullens, for fear that they would get involved and be killed just like her. This was my personal torture, and I didn't want anyone else to worry. But Billy wasn't the type to back down or to believe a lie.
"I'm going to die," I said, very quietly. Jake stiffened beside me, a tiny quiver shooting through him. Billy blinked a few times, incredulous.
"That's ridiculous," he said finally. "You're fine."
"Alice saw it," I said, and suddenly it was like a waterfall, all spilling out at once. "She's the Cullen that can see the future. She saw that I died, and it's soon. She's thinking it'll be within the next few months."
"Well, did she see how?" Billy was coming closer, the concern on his face deepening. "However it happens, it's preventable. It'll be fine."
"Not this." I was almost whispering. Billy looked from me to Jake. I felt Jake twitch once, then twice. I squeezed his hand tightly, trying to help him keep calm.
"What happens? What did she see?" I was alone in the middle of the largest ocean. I turned to Jake, my lifeline, but he was so far gone. I had no idea if he could even hear us anymore.
"There's this vampire family in Italy," I started, and I explained the Volturi, who they were and how they found out about me. I told him about our deal and how, by leaving Edward, I'd broken that deal. I told him about William, about how next time it'll be even worse. His face was stoic as I talked, and Jake was immobile, unhearing. I wanted him to leave so he wouldn't have to listen, but I wanted his comfort. After I finished getting it all out, it was silent in the house.
"Does Sam know?" Billy asked finally. I swallowed, trying to get rid of the hard lump in my throat.
"The pack knows," I said, keeping my voice steady. "Sam was one of the ones who helped us to figure out the...timing." I couldn't help but wince.
"No matter what, the pack won't let anything happen to you," Billy said firmly. He looked so sure of himself. "They're all built for this, Jake included. Nothing's going to happen." I nodded, knowing that agreeing was easier than the truth, that nothing the pack did would help.
"Can I please move in with Bella." Jake's voice was low and flat, and it wasn't a question. Billy nodded.
"Of course you can. I'll get you some boxes for your stuff." He turned around and went into his room, where I could hear him rummaging around. Jake stood up, shaking his head fast and letting the motion move down his arms to his hands, like he was trying to shake out the stress.
"Well, that was fun," he said finally, glancing down at me. I could see how hard he worked to move his features into a smile. "Want to give me a hand with my room?" I did my best to smile back, trying just as hard as him to act normal, to be happy again. It was months away; we were fine. I followed him into his room and started pulling things from his closet, my mind blank.
It didn't take long to pack Jake's things. His room was mostly empty of anything sentimental besides a big and beautiful gemstone display that he said his mother had given to him as a baby. His clothes fit easily into a few boxes, and with the truck loaded with his motorcycle in the back and Billy's assurance that everything would be fine, we drove back to our tiny house.
He had so little in the way of clothes that I barely had to make space for him at all. Mostly, he just had t-shirts and sweatpants, which fit easily into one of my dresser drawers. He had one nice outfit, a collared shirt and pressed pants that he said were too small for him anyway, that I hung up next to all of my new shirts from Alice. I made a place to put the gemstone from his mom, prominently on the top of the dresser, and just like that, I had a roommate.
Jake flopped onto the couch, his legs dangling over the arm rest, as he turned on the small TV. I never watched it, and the noise filled the house in unfamiliar ways. I took a seat in the armchair beside him and watched as he flipped through the channels, looking for something to watch.
"I'm really sorry about earlier," I said quietly, and he stopped clicking the remote, the channel hovering on some nature program. He turned to look at me and smiled a sad smile.
"It's my fault," he said, almost apologetically. "I should never have said anything. It just slipped out."
"I know," I said, and we were both quiet for a minute, the sound from the TV low and steady.
"Are you okay?" he asked suddenly.
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused. He sighed and sat up.
"I mean that I'm not being very helpful," he said, scooting closer. "I'm selfish. I don't talk about it because I'm so scared, but I know you're probably scared too. I never checked to make sure you were okay." I reached out for his hand.
"I'm terrified," I admitted quietly. He squeezed my fingers tightly. "But that doesn't mean that we can't be okay for a little while. Alice is right; I have months until I should start worrying. I want to make the most of it." I could see how hard it was for him to think about how close it was, how soon I would be gone. But I was touched that he was trying, for me.
"I'm here for you," he said, his voice soft. "If you want someone to talk to, I'm here. I can try and help." I smiled, a genuine one, and moved to sit next to him on the sofa. I leaned into him, breathing in the familiar smell, and watched him flip through the channels, one by one.
Jake was ecstatic to be there, finally officially living together, that he dragged me to the room right after dinner. There was a new feeling in his movements, though, in the way he wrapped his hands around my waist and the way he ran his fingertips up my back to make me shiver; it felt almost frantic, like he couldn't pull me close enough. I felt it too, the fear from the day's conversation, the nagging idea that we really didn't have much time left. Our anxiety turned to fervor, desperation for each other. Our electric touches were like flames, burning into each other. I wasn't sure how I felt about it; I loved how close I felt to him, but the underlying fear, the hidden terror, was hard to ignore.
He was snoring lightly when I got out of bed and went into the living room. I couldn't sleep. It was late, past midnight. I grabbed my phone from its charger and typed out a quick text to Chris: Guess who just got a roommate? Jake moved in! Then I dialed Alice's number, my fingers moving over the numbers easily. She picked up on the first ring.
"Bella, what are you doing awake?" she demanded, like an adult scolding a child. I smiled, curling my legs up under me on the couch.
"I couldn't sleep," I said, glancing at the room. I could hear the bed shifting, and then Jake snoring again. "I thought I'd give you a call."
"I heard it finally snowed!" she said happily. "Did you have a nice snow day?"
"Jake and I went to Seattle to pick out Christmas presents."
"What did you get for him?" I bit my lip and didn't say anything for a few seconds, and Alice laughed.
"Stop!" I groaned. "I have no idea what to get! He's very simplistic."
"He is," she agreed. "But you could always just make a nice gesture. It doesn't have to be something from a store." I thought for a minute.
"Thanks for the advice, Alice," I said, genuinely grateful. "I'll figure something out."
"I've already gotten gifts for everyone," she declared, almost mockingly. "Including you."
"Alice," I warned, and she laughed.
"What's been going on with you?" she asked, changing the subject deftly. "I still can't get used to not seeing you."
"I'm not that far away. And you just visited a few weeks ago."
"I didn't mean seeing you in that way." I was almost embarrassed. Of course she meant seeing me in her head. "Tell me something new."
"Well," I started, switching the phone to my other ear, "Jake officially moved in to my place." The shrieks that erupted from the phone almost blew my eardrum, and I had to hold my hand over the speaker so the noises wouldn't wake Jacob.
"That's fantastic!" she finally cried, still making little cheering noises. "I'm so happy for you!" I grinned.
"It all just sort of happened today," I explained, picking at a fingernail. "Jake brought it up, and then once the idea was in his head, he just went for it with Billy."
"That dog is a stubborn one," she reminded me, and I exhaled loudly with exasperation into the phone. She laughed. "I am very glad that Billy was okay with it." I made a noise of agreement, deciding not to tell her about what had happened. She didn't need more to worry about.
"How are things in Maine?" I asked, trying to subtly divert her attention to something else.
"With winter, things are improving," she admitted, and I heard a tiny gust of wind. She must be outside. "It's much easier to hide who we are in public with the colder weather and the excuse to cover our skin. And I'm starting to grow used to the town."
"I knew you would. Have you made any friends?"
"With Carlisle working at the hospital, everyone wants to be our friends. It's a small town, and he's very respected. I know he enjoys the attention. But it is slightly unnerving when people invite us to social events."
"I would think it's nice," I replied. "Having people like you is probably a lot easier than what it's normally like." She laughed lightly at that.
"You are right about that, Bella."
"Have you heard anything new?" I asked every time we spoke, even though I knew that nothing changed. I was never afraid to talk to her about it, not like I was with Jake; it might've been because I knew she was in the same boat as me, preparing to die along with me, her fate connected to mine.
"They aren't worrying about you," she said, her voice turning slightly stony. "None of them has given you a second thought in months. I still think someone will tell them, and that will be the reason for their return. It's very frustrating."
"Let's get through the holidays before we worry again," I said easily, a line she used constantly.
"That we shall," she replied, and I could hear the smile in her voice.
"I'm going to try to get back to bed, okay?"
"All right. I will call you tomorrow. We have a holiday party to attend and I'll have to tell you all about it."
"I'll be here. Bye, Alice."
"Have a good night, Bella." I heard the line cut off, the call ended. My phone buzzed, and I checked the screen. Chris had texted back: That's so awesome! Tell me about it later? I typed out an easy Will do! and put my phone back down to finish charging. I crept very quietly back into the bedroom, where Jake was splayed out on his side of the bed, still asleep. I carefully climbed in beside him. He groaned softly, turning to face me. He opened his eyes just barely and smiled.
"Go back to sleep," I whispered, kissing his forehead. He closed his eyes again, and I pulled the blanket up around me, snuggling into his chest for warmth as I fell asleep.