Chapter 1
"You're not cut out for this life, Beth. Just stop trying, it's pathetic." She said from her dark corner, and Beth could just feel the sly grin slipping across her face. Her chest tightened and the muscles in her back tensed painfully. She tried to ignore Dawn's voice from the shadows of her fractured brain and focus on her surroundings.
The hallway floor almost looked like it was moving in waves away from her, and she still couldn't shake the sensation that the world was spinning the wrong way. Her stomach knotted and rolled and told her what little she held in it would stain her hospital gown if she didn't get a move on. Beth took two more steps before her hand slapped against the wall in an effort to keep herself upright. Sweat rolled slowly down the back of her neck and she had to swat at Dr. Edwards ever present "to be of assistance" hands. She knows he means well, but she needs to go it alone. How else will she find everyone she loves? She took a deep breath and pushed from the wall, Edwards slowly toeing through his steps behind her like a sad unwanted dog, but he couldn't help the smile. She had survived and he had kept her alive and now she is fighting like never before. The Doctor in him said she was moving too quickly and was in fact jeopardizing all of her progress by pushing herself, but the man in him that lives in this Hospital like a coward and had lived under Dawn's thumb rather happily, he could not possibly be prouder. Beth finally cleared the distance of the hallway and moved stiffly back to the bed. She sat on the edge and gathered her energy.
"It's really quite remarkable, how far you have come, ya know?"
Beth looked at the Doctor mutely, not really sure if she wanted him to continue to explain even if it meant his rattling would drown out Dawn's incessant stabs. But he had the frazzled look to him he occasionally got, when whatever it was that captivated him was yet again leaving him awestruck and it really made her uncomfortable. She shifted and turned her attention to the two 5lbs. weights they had found for her to build up her muscle strength. She started with bicep curls and tried to pretend she didn't notice the way he marveled at her, praying he would just leave her to her routine.
"Its been six almost seven weeks since you were shot, Beth. In the Head. The fact that you are even alive is a mind blowing miracle. But look at you, your walking and talking; eating very well and maintaining hydration. Building muscle tone and even some body fat. You are well on your way to being the healthiest person out of all the officers and wards."
Beth switched exercises and without being aware of it, began to walk around the room as well in her discomfort and attempts to dodge his hawk eyes.
"Even the scarring is healing well, its faint and soft. All good signs, Beth Greene, all good signs." Dr. Edwards called out as he left her to her repetitions.
With the mention of her scars and the final departure of Dr. Edwards, Beth found herself in a mirror. She examined the arch of the scar on her cheek and the harsh dip of the one over her eye. Slowly, she lifted her chin and stared at the circular indented scar there on the underside of her jaw. She could almost feel it, as she mentally tracked the bullets path through her jaw to wear it had exited just within her hair line above her temple. Sometimes she feels like if she stares hard enough she can still see a red tinge to the hair in that area. The scar there formed more like a gash but Edwards was indeed right, the new skin there was pink and soft and it tingled in a ticklish sort of way when she dragged her finger nail against it. Beth sighed heavily. She turned and resumed her work out, because soon she would be leaving Grady. Soon she would be loading up Gorman's car, the one that had brought her here, and she would drive away as fast as those tires could take her. She smirked at the memory of Shepherd offering her Gorman's car.
It was about a week ago, a few days after they had told her that her family had been forced to abandon her to save themselves when she had fully woken up. She had quickly forgiven that with a small pass of the hand, if they had tried to take her with them she might have gotten someone else killed, she could here Dawn murmuring in the background of her sanity about people risking their lives for her. But when they assured her that Noah had gone with them, she felt the familiar warmth of hope bubble up inside. If they had Noah, then they were going to Richmond. Not a single doubt about it entered her mind. She knew her family and they would absolutely not let him make that journey alone. Not after all they did together to get her back and then to consider that it could be a safe place for all of them? They went to Richmond and she is going to meet them there.
Shepherd had approached Beth after it had become blatantly obvious that she was going to go after her family and find them. She had begun a packing list and asking where she might be able to go to find what supplies she needed and where she ought to steer clear of. Some of the officers were still very reluctant to help her; after all, she had been the turning point for all of Grady Memorial. And she was more or less responsible for Gorman and Dawn's deaths. But the majority of them eagerly told her which areas near the city were good spots and which were dry and a few even offered her some of their own supplies.
Shepherd had sat beside her bed and stared unseeingly at the floor for several long tense moments before she swiftly clapped her hands together, making Beth jump about six feet out of her skin, and told Beth she would be giving her Gorman's car for her travels.
"It's not the best vehicle we have or the fastest, but its durable and he maintained it pretty well. I'm making sure my guys get the tank filled up and the oil taken care of, and I'm going to make sure there is extra gas in the trunk for you." She fell silent again and Beth didn't know what to say. She felt grateful, it was a car and it meant she would catch up to her family that much faster; even if it did belong to Gorman. But there was still a small part of her that felt like after everything, these people owed her. It was childish and selfish but Beth couldn't help it, she nearly died and now she's been separated from her family.
"He was a pig, Beth. In everything he ever did, he was disgusting. I knew him before. He was just as bad, maybe even worse. It gets hard to tell some days." She was pulling at her cuticles and talking softly to the floor, unable to bring her heavy gaze on Beth and Beth almost felt like reaching out to her. She had a sudden desire to reach over and grasp her hand and squeeze it and tell her that it's all okay now and it wasn't her fault and she had been fighting the whole time to sweep everything out from underneath Dawn, but she didn't want to touch Shepherd, so Beth kept quiet and just watched her, her chest heaving with swirling emotions. Shepherd heaved a sigh and finally brought her eyes up to Beth, "Anyway, we all thought it would be a nice gesture on our part to provide you with a vehicle. I just thought it would be even better to give you his. I dunno, maybe you can set it on fire when your done with it or something."
Beth had actually smiled at that and smiled again at the memory, perhaps she did have a special place in her heart for setting fires. Truth be told, she didn't care that the car had belonged to Gorman. It made no difference to her because her sole focus was just getting to Richmond, finding her family, and healing the rest of her broken pieces. The fact that her new wheels had previously been his? Well, that didn't change the mission. And it having been the car to have brought her to Grady in the first place means that when she leaves, she'll have come full circle and will forever be done with this place. With a stone resolve only growing stronger, Beth continued her routine and even pushed herself just a tiny bit further.
That night the restlessness of her dreams haunted her once more. Her body contorting on the bed, each muscle and joint tensing with such pin point precision she felt it in her bones through the dull fog of her nightmares. The flashes of the people she loves succumbing to the dead and dying before her revolved around her like a city skyscraper's door. She ran towards each dissolving scenario, each blood splattered scene; until, horrifically, she was presented with an eyewitness account to her own homicidal tendencies and resulting would be death. She watched herself get shot repeatedly; then, Dawn turned to her dreaming self and told her how weak she was yet again. That it was poetic that Beth should die. Die and come back to eat the rest of her weak people. With sickness coming up Beth's throat she watched her own body decay and rise from the floor; a flood light revealing Maggie, her arms opening to embrace her baby sister. The scene turned red with blood as Beth's reanimated body bit into Maggie and ruthlessly pulled the flesh from her neck. Beth screamed when more spotlights shone down on more of her beloved companions. She cried and begged for them to run, begged for them to end her body's second life. She was forced to watch as she tore into Tyrese's arm and pulled it from his body, separating it at the joint of his elbow. She felt vomit on her taste buds and knew subconsciously she had puked in her sleep, the threat of it happening again when her head spun at the sight of her dead-self pulling Noah's face apart by his mouth. She tried to close her eyes and turn away from the sight of her decayed form tearing the flesh from Rick and Carl's abdomens. She could hear her own sobs breaking through the curtain of her slumber as her rotten body turned toward an infant. She begged God "no" out loud, begged Him not to make her watch this, but the dead version of herself did not stop its approach on little Judith so Beth Greene fought to wake herself up. She dug her nails into her arm and scratched and scratched and scratched, screaming at herself to wake up.
Don't do this, Beth. Don't do this, Beth! Wake up! Wake up, Now!
With a final harrowing sob, Beth opened her eyes and stared blankly at the cracked drywall across from her. She swallowed thickly and tried desperately to push the dreams away. She focused first on her breathing, inhaling through her nose and exhaling through her mouth. Inhale, exhale. Inhale then exhale.
"You have nightmares nearly every time you sleep."
It was a statement, and at this point, the sudden sound of Dr. Edwards voice coming from seemingly nowhere no longer fazed the young blonde woman. She swallowed thickly again and accepted the towel he offered her over her shoulder, she wiped her face of the moisture and sick before sitting up in the bed. She used the towel to cover her reaming pile of puke for the mean time. She brought her knees up and rested her arms over them to hide the raw skin of her arm from him, letting her head fall back to rest on the wall behind her. She nodded her head in his general direction, seated in the chair beside her bed.
"The weak always do."
Beth tried not to blink at Dawn's added statement, "And you seem to watch me every time I sleep. Kinda creepy, don't ya think?" She finally responded.
"Somehow, I don't think you are as freaked out by me as you are your nightmares."
"No. I'm not." She said, ignoring Dawn's snicker.
"Why?"
"Because these days, nightmares are reality." she said softly, eyes flicking to the ghost in the other corner before staring at the stars through the window.
"I could give you something, to help you sleep?" He suggested. Her head snapped up to him at that and the panic that took over her face clenched in his chest, "No!" She clamped her lips and moved her eyes to the blanket covering her lap, realizing her mistake in showing him weakness and she refused to look up and risk seeing Dawn's smug reaction.
"No, Thank you," she amended, forcing herself to breathe steady and calmly, "It would only make it harder for me to wake up and get out of it."
He nodded softly and began to examine the edge of his shoe, his ankle crossed over his knee. She watched him for a little bit, watched him pretend like his presence was natural and normal for her.
"How long 'til I can get out of here, Dr. Edwards?" she asked, feeling the edge she left out of her words creep up her spine in her growing frustration.
"Few more days, I'd really like the dizzy spells to go away before you leave."
She nodded; it was probably a good idea. If she were to faint or pass out while she was traveling alone, there was no telling what she might wake up to. If she woke up at all. She stared down at the ground and tried to latch on to that hopeful feeling again, the one that would whisper to her how she'll be with her family real soon. The one that wraps around her like a ghost of Maggie's hugs. But she couldn't find it beneath the still lingering tremble of her night time horror show. Her brows furrowed and she began to worry her lip between her teeth, reminding herself of every possible happy thing she could. But with every happy memory she recalled, the pinch of longing ran deeper, Dawn's voice would grow crueler and her hope felt further. She didn't know how long she had sat like that, but by the time she looked back up, Edwards was gone and sunlight was beginning to fill the room.