A/N: So this chapter is a double POV, we start out with Ayla, and after the break, it becomes Alistair. You'll see why! I'd actually meant to get to the beginning of the Brecilian Forest in this one, but it was getting too long for that. So this chapter is entirely free of game events, and all brand new stuff. Hope you like!
As always, thanks to everyone who reads, favorites, and follows!
Please R & R, everyone, my poor little muse is starving over here!
Disclaimer: As always, Bioware owns Thedas and related events and characters, I own Ayla and everything else!
Chapter 16: Shapeshifter
She was feeling guilty. She'd been feeling that way ever since Alistair had told her all about his Grey Warden abilities a few nights ago. They'd been back on the road for a couple of days now since leaving Redcliffe, and she still hadn't come up with the courage to reveal her own powers to him. He'd even talked to her and Aedan that night at Redcliffe about Goldanna, revealing that she really was his half-sister that he'd never actually met before, and that he'd like to visit her when they got to Denerim if they had enough time. So it was likely that he'd now confided every secret about himself to her, and she still couldn't bring herself to say anything.
She knew why she was having so much trouble with it, of course. She was scared of how he'd react once he found out what she could do. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had someone not hate her or fear her after finding about her shifting abilities, other than someone who was a shifter themselves. How could she honestly expect Alistair to be any different?
She wanted him to react differently, though. Her feelings for him were beginning to confuse her, becoming as contrasting as he himself was at times. Most of the time she only felt that flaming desire when he touched her, but the other night after his nightmare when he'd pulled her in so tightly, she'd felt safe in a way she hadn't since her father had held her when she was a little girl. When she'd first realized that, her mind had skittered away from the thought in shock. She didn't even want to consider what that might mean.
Even less did she want to think about how she'd wanted to stay with him, not to bed him but merely to hold him in her arms and comfort him so he could sleep. She didn't want to think about how terrified he'd looked when he confessed to seeing her dead in his dream, or how she was beginning to worry that she might end up experiencing that same terror. She didn't want to think about how much she'd miss him if he wasn't around, how she was becoming more determined than ever to stay in Ferelden if at all possible, rather than go home. She didn't want to have any of these feelings; they would made her weak, vulnerable.
As a result of these conflicting feelings and her reluctance to tell him her last secret, she'd been avoiding being alone with him for the last few days. As much as she'd like to repeat that little performance on the riverbank from the other night, and then some, she knew that she wouldn't be able to enjoy herself properly until she told him, especially since she'd made a vow to herself that she would next time they were alone. It had been easy enough to avoid him, though, what with all the people in their party now.
She'd spent the last couple of nights spending time with everybody but Alistair, hunting with Morrigan, singing and dancing with Leliana, even talking to Zevran. She'd peppered him with questions about the country he was from and the Crows, being curious about both anyway. He'd been happy to answer all her questions and regale her with stories of his adventures, though she could tell she was only getting the bright and happy version. He'd also been relatively normal, only flirting her with the once, and she admitted that had been her fault. She really should have known better than to ask him what exactly it was that he fancied. He had of course responded in his usual suave, charming manner, saying at the end that he fancied her. She'd brushed his comment off, of course, as she'd done all the others, steering the conversation back to safer waters.
Until that moment, when she'd caught the heat in his eyes when he looked at her, she hadn't really thought he was serious when he flirted with her. Sure, she had no doubt he would have bedded her had she wanted him to, but she'd had the distinct feeling he would bed pretty much anyone. She'd also thought he flirted with her in public just as much to get a rise out of Alistair as for any other reason. Which she was still pretty sure was true; but she could also tell that his interest was at least somewhat serious.
But she'd told Alistair the truth when she'd said she wasn't interested in Zevran, which actually surprised her as much as anyone. Before she'd met Alistair, Zevran was exactly the sort of man she would have normally gone for; handsome, charming, funny, uninterested in complications, and skilled in more ways than one. If she'd had that fight with him in the past, it would have ended up coming to a completely different conclusion.
It used to be after having a stimulating battle like that, that nearly any attractive man would serve her purposes, as wanton as it sounded. Most especially the one who'd caused her to have a stimulating battle like that, if she knew she could trust him not to kill her afterwards, which her instincts had told her that Zevran wouldn't. But this time, instead of wanting to jump Zevran after the fight was over, she'd just wanted Alistair more than ever. She didn't understand it at all; it was different from anything she'd experienced before.
She hadn't bothered to fight it that night, though, and she'd dragged Alistair off for their first real tryst. Though she'd meant to be a little less obvious than that, when she'd seen how sexy he looked when he was furious with Zevran, she hadn't been able to help herself. Something in her really liked this jealous, possessive side of him that Zevran brought out, as bad as that probably was of her. For an inexperienced virgin, he'd turned out to have surprisingly good instincts; she shuddered when she remembered the feel of his mouth on her. Once he got more experienced, she was certain he would make her go up in flames with little effort at all. And Goddess, that bare chest of his! She felt heat swamp her at the memory; it'd been even more defined than she'd thought it would be, all taut muscle, sculpted abs, and bare, gleaming skin. She'd never seen a man so well defined; it was likely due to all that armor he wore, and she couldn't wait to see what he looked like completely naked.
So she'd spent the last few nights torn between the desire to drag him off to have more fun, especially when she saw the look in his eyes when he saw her with Zevran, and the fear of both her complicated feelings for him and of telling him what she knew she eventually had to.
But it was time to stop being a coward. She was going to tell him tonight, and that was that. If he reacted badly, so much the better. It might succeed in squashing the more tender feelings that she didn't want to have for him. No amount of logic and trying to defend her heart from him seemed to be working so far; if he reacted the way she expected him to, maybe that would finally do it.
She'd just come to that decision when Alistair suddenly shouted, "Darkspawn!" Jerking her head up, she noticed that the group had halted on the dirt road that they'd been following towards the Brecilian Forest for most of the warm, sunny afternoon. Darkspawn were descending on them from all sides, appearing from among the trees and hills around them.
They all drew their weapons, and following Aedan's instructions, grouped themselves in a loose semi-circle, keeping their backs towards each other as the darkspawn advanced. Once they were close enough, Aedan gave the signal, and the fight began.
It went much the same as it usually did; Aedan, Alistair, and Sten took the brunt of the attacks and attention upon themselves, allowing herself, Zevran and Striker to take advantage of the distractions they caused to wreak havoc. Meanwhile, Morrigan, Wynne and Leliana used their long-range abilities to help pick off any remaining threats.
The amount of darkspawn, however, was more this time than there had ever been previously. They seemed to keep appearing from the hills all around them, and in no time, any semblance of a formation the group might have had disintegrated into an individual free-for-all, spreading them apart from each other wider and wider as they tried to keep the numbers of darkspawn down.
That was when it happened. Ayla finished off the genlock in front of her and looked around her. She spotted Alistair several yards away, engaged in fierce battle with a rather large hurlock. His back was to her, and unfortunately, his back was also to the genlock emissary aiming a spell at it. Even if he knew the emissary was there, she didn't think he'd be able to take his attention off the hurlock in front of him, at least, not soon enough to make a difference. No one else was close enough to help him but her, and there was only one way that she'd be able to reach the emissary in time.
Her decision was made before she'd even thought it out. She took a few running steps and shifted in mid-air as she leaped, the change wrenching its way through her body. A large black panther landed with bruising force on the emissary, tackling it out of the way just in time for the searing bolt of electricity to shoot wide of Alistair. With a swipe of her powerful claws, she opened the emissary up from neck to waist, then snapped its neck with a quick twist of her jaws, being careful not to break the skin.
As soon as it was dead, she turned her head to check for Alistair. He had just finished off the Hurlock and had turned in her direction, staring at her - no, at the panther, she corrected herself. His sword and shield were up, and he was wide-eyed as he took a few cautious steps forward. She struggled, at war with herself. Her human side knew that Alistair wouldn't strike if he knew it was her, but her animal side only saw the threat of his sword and stance, and wanted to bristle and growl at him, returning the threat in kind. She could already feel her fur along her back and tail puffing up, and the struggle was making it too difficult to concentrate on shifting back to her normal self.
"Do not fire, idiot bard!" Morrigan's voice cut across the distance. "'Tis Ayla, not a wild animal!"
Alistair's head snapped in Morrigan's direction, then back to Ayla. His jaw dropped, disbelief written across his features as his sword and shield lowered. The combination of the reduced threat and Morrigan's voice allowed Ayla to pull control back to her human side, and she seized upon the opportunity to shift back.
It took only about thirty seconds or so for the sharp pain and disorientation following the shift to clear, but that was long enough for Aedan, Morrigan, and Leliana to have made their way over to where she and Alistair were. The others were still far afield from them, having been separated quite a ways by the other darkspawn, still finishing their battles. Aedan, Leliana, and Alistair were all staring at her with utter shock on their faces. Morrigan, of course, was the only one who didn't look the least bit surprised. Instead, she was studying the others as if to gauge their reactions.
Ayla knew she should explain, but the words didn't seem to want to come. Now that they were all looking at her that way, as if they couldn't even believe what they'd just seen, she was filled with panic. What if they decided they wouldn't be safe with a wild animal like her around? Where would she go? What would she do? What was for some reason a more painful and disturbing thought than all the others flitted across her brain: What if Alistair didn't want her anymore?
"What are you?" Alistair whispered, his voice laced with shock.
The hurt swamped her first, like a pommel-strike to the gut, but before she could drown in it, she was saved by a rising tide of anger. How dare he react like that? "What am I? What am I?! I am exactly who I have always been, just Ayla! I am a warrior, not a mage, or an abomination, or a demon!" When she almost roared that last part out, and felt her eyes flash through the change briefly, she knew she needed to get away before she lost control. She whirled on her heels and ran, shifting after she was a few steps away, and the boost of speed that gave her had her far away from them in no time at all.
He wasn't quite sure what had happened. One moment, he'd been in an intense battle with a hurlock that was far stronger than most others he'd ever encountered. Though he knew there was another genlock behind him, and he could vaguely feel it gathering magic, he'd known that he wouldn't be able to do anything if it was intending to fire at him, unless he wanted the hurlock to succeed in killing him. But then he'd heard a loud crash behind him, and the spell had shot past him, giving him the chance to finish off the hurlock.
When he'd turned around to see what had happened, there had been a panther behind him, and it had started bristling at him. He hadn't been sure what to do; he hadn't wanted to provoke it, but neither had he wanted to be unprepared if it decided to leap at him as it apparently had the emissary. Then he'd had the shock of his life when he'd heard Morrigan shouting that it was Ayla, and sure enough, before his very eyes, the panther's body had shimmered, wavered, and changed until his beautiful Ayla had been standing in its place.
He had never seen anything like it before in his life, and he hadn't been able to make any sense of it. He'd heard that certain mages could change form, and he knew from Aedan that Morrigan could do it, though he'd never actually seen her. But Ayla wasn't a mage; he'd never sensed the slightest bit of magic coming from her. So he had no idea how she'd done it, and apparently, he'd said exactly the wrong thing, just blurting out the first thing that came to his mind when he'd finally found his tongue again.
She'd looked so hurt at his reaction, before anger had swept across her face and she'd yelled at him, almost roared, really, her eyes flashing a feline yellow at him, before suddenly fleeing. He'd started to go after her as soon as his addled brain had processed what was happening, but when she'd changed into the panther again, he'd known he would never be able to catch up, so he'd stopped.
Now, he turned around and looked at Morrigan, just as Aedan and Leliana were. She'd obviously known about it, and he needed somebody to explain what had just happened to him.
"Care to give us an explanation for that, Morrigan?" Aedan echoed his thoughts as he crossed his arms and regarded Morrigan thoughtfully.
Morrigan rolled her eyes before sighing in exasperation. "What is there to explain? You saw it for yourself; Ayla has the ability to shapeshift. It is a tool, a power, as any other, to be used for one's advantage in battle."
"Yes, she has the ability, but how does she do it?" Aedan pressed. "She's not a mage, as you are, is she?"
Morrigan shook her head. "She is not. I could not explain to you how she does it. From what she has told me, it is an ability possessed by many warriors in her land, not requiring the use of magical ability. I can take as many forms as I wish; however she is limited to just the one. That is really all I know about the matter."
"But why did she not tell the rest of us?" Leliana asked, staring in the direction that Ayla had gone. "Why did she keep it hidden from everyone but you?" Once again, exactly what Alistair wanted to know; he was grateful that Aedan and Leliana seemed to be reading his mind, since he was still too shocked to articulate his feelings.
Morrigan snorted. "She did not tell me, I found out on my own when I came upon her in the woods. Why would she tell any of you would be the better question. Clearly she feared what your reaction would be, with good reason. We are all aware how that Chantry of yours views those with unusual abilities as abominations that need to be locked up and guarded. I am sure she merely wished to not have the same thing happen to her."
"What are you talking about?" Leliana exclaimed. "The Chantry would not unjustly lock someone up! And we would not do anything like that to our friend and companion!"
"Oh?" Morrigan merely raised her eyebrows skeptically. "You and I must be thinking of a very different Chantry, then. One that does not corral mages up like mindless cattle for the slaughter."
Alistair could only stare at Morrigan, feeling guilt rising in him. She hadn't said anything because she'd been afraid of how they would react. He suddenly remembered what she'd said in Redcliffe about wanting to be seen as just herself. And instead of accepting her as just Ayla, he'd gone and asked her what she was, as though she were a thing and not a person. How could he have said such a thing to her?
"Enough!" Aedan stated, coming between Morrigan and Leliana, as the two were beginning to glare murderously at each other as Leliana sputtered in response to Morrigan's accusations. "We don't need this to descend into a religious argument. I can understand why Ayla might feel the need to hide her abilities, but I personally do not have a problem with them. Do you, Leliana?" When she shook her head no, he turned to Alistair. "Do you have a problem with it, Alistair?"
"Maker, no!" Alistair exclaimed, grateful that he could finally speak again. "I – I didn't mean that to come out the way it did. I was just . . . shocked. I'd never seen anything like that before, and I know she's not a mage, so I didn't know how she did it. I . . . need to apologize to her, to explain."
"Hmph." Morrigan glared at him. "You had better, fool Templar, because she revealed her powers to us in order to save you."
Alistair once again felt wretchedly guilty as he realized the truth of Morrigan's words; Ayla must have thought it was the only way she could keep the emissary from hitting him with the spell. And instead of being grateful, he'd gone and said something stupid, again, and hurt her badly in the process. "Please, Morrigan, can you go after her? I need to talk to her."
"I can, but I will not," Morrigan snapped.
"Morrigan . . ." Aedan said warningly.
She threw her hands up in the air. "I will not because she requires time alone to regain control! She will come find us when she is ready. You need not worry about leaving her behind; she can track us easily if need be."
"So, we are just to leave her behind?" Leliana asked uncertainly.
Aedan sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face. They could hear the sounds of the others getting closer. "It would seem we have little choice. We are not anywhere near a good place to camp at the moment, and it will be dark in a few more hours. Morrigan is likely right that we should leave her alone, anyway. We'll have to convince her that we're not going to turn against her because of her abilities when she comes back." He looked significantly at Alistair, who nodded unhappily, realizing that they had little choice.
As the others came up to them, Zevran called out cheerfully, "Ah, I see one lovely redhead, but not the other one! Where has my deadly goddess gone to?"
Alistair felt jealous rage bubble up in him again; Ayla had been spending time in the elf's company the last few nights, and not with him. Though they had never left his sight, and appeared to be merely talking, he hadn't been able to squelch his doubts that she would suddenly decide Zevran was far more interesting than he. He growled and started forward, but Aedan smacked him in the chest, knocking him back.
"Cool it, Alistair," Aedan snapped, eyes flashing silver. "Now is not the time." Alistair stepped back, surprised, as Aedan turned to the others and proceeded to explain just what had happened.
Wynne looked faintly disturbed and thoughtful. Alistair had expected Sten to react badly, knowing the qunari's feelings about mages that were one of the few things he'd devote an actual sentence to, but surprisingly, the qunari seemed undisturbed, looking almost interested. Zevran looked intrigued, and when Aedan asked the others if any of them had issues with continuing to travel with Ayla, everyone shook their heads no, Zevran being the most emphatic about it.
They continued on their way after that, Alistair being left alone to wallow in his guilt as they walked. Though it was many hours later and nearly dark by the time they made camp, Ayla still hadn't returned. By the time they'd all tidied up and eaten, she still was not back, and Alistair was beginning to get seriously worried. What if something had happened to her out there? Morrigan, however, insisted that there was no need to be worried, and she would only go looking for Ayla if she wasn't back by morning. Though Aedan was supposed to have first watch, Alistair offered to trade, knowing that he wouldn't be able to sleep until she got back, anyway, and Aedan nodded, before everyone left to go sleep in their tents.
It was probably about two hours later, after Alistair had made several circuits of the perimeter and was sitting on a flat boulder he'd found, scanning the area around him, when he finally saw her. She approached slowly, finally coming into the ring of light cast by his lamp, staying several feet away from him. She looked exhausted and almost . . . defeated. Her shoulders were slumped and her green eyes lacked their usual amused sparkle.
"Ayla," he said softly, relieved to see that she was all right. "You came back."
Her gaze dropped from his. "Yes, well, it's not exactly like I had anywhere else to go, is it?" His heart wrenched in his chest at the bitter way she said that, almost as if she expected that they – that he – would turn her away. Didn't she know that he would never be able to do that?
He stood up, wanting to go to her, but knowing that she probably wouldn't accept that right now, he stayed where he was. "Ayla, I . . . need to apologize."
She eyed him warily. "You do?"
He nodded firmly. "I . . . didn't mean what I said the way that it must have sounded to you. I was in shock. I'd never seen anything like that before, and I knew you weren't a mage. I didn't know how it was possible. I more meant that as how you were able to do that, not . . . the way it came out. I know you aren't an abomination, or a demon." He met her eyes, silently pleading with her to believe him.
She crossed her arms defensively, her body posture still tense, though he thought he saw a spark of hope in her eyes. "So you aren't . . . disgusted by me, or frightened by me? You don't think I'm . . . a wild animal?"
"By Andraste, of course not!" He shook his head vigorously, his heart wrenching again at the thought that she'd actually believed he could think any of those things about her. "I think you're the most . . . amazing and beautiful woman I've ever met, and I hope you can forgive me for ever being stupid enough to say something that made you think otherwise." He was blushing furiously now, he knew.
She stared at him, her eyes wide with shock, as he knew his must have been when he'd seen her change. "I . . . yes, I forgive you. I know I . . . probably overreacted a little to what you said, too. I'm a little oversensitive about it, since most people react badly when they find out. I was with one man when I was at court with my cousins, once." Her gaze shifted away from his again, and she bit her lip.
"He thought I was a regular noblewoman, but once he found out I was from the Order, that I was a shifter, he suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. It's . . . been the same with anyone who wasn't a shifter themselves. None of them wanted anything to do with me or the other shifters." She was wrapping her arms around herself more tightly now, as if to give herself comfort from the memory.
Alistair finally closed the distance between them, unable to take the fact that she was obviously in pain from her memory, and he pulled her into his arms, relieved when she went willingly, resting her head against his chest. "Well, I'm not a . . . shapeshifter, did you call it? But I still want something to do with you." I want everything to do with you, to stay with you, always, was what he wanted to say, but he didn't think that was something she wanted to hear just yet. "And so does everybody else. We all want you to stay with us."
"Really?" She looked up at him, surprise, relief, and joy intermingling on her face, shining out of her eyes. "No one has an issue with me being a shifter? No one wants me to leave?"
"Of course not. If we let a bitchy Witch of the Wilds, who can also shapeshift, an elven assassin, and a murderous Qunari stay with us, how can we possibly have a problem with you?" he teased her, squeezing her waist.
She laughed softly at that, making his heart feel lighter than it had in hours. "I suppose you have a point."
"Occasionally, I do." He winked at her before sobering. "You know, I was beginning to worry that you had a problem with me. It . . . sort of seemed like you'd been avoiding me since I told you about the Wardens. I mean, if anything, you should be frightened and disgusted by me. At least you don't have a taint in your blood, or an archdemon talking to you in your sleep."
"Ah." She looked suddenly guilty. "I was avoiding you, but not for the reasons you think. I'm not disgusted or frightened by your Warden abilities, at all. I think you're amazingly brave for doing all that to protect others." She stood on her tiptoes to press a quick, fierce kiss to his lips, which sent a fiery thrill through him, before she pulled back. "I felt guilty that after you'd confessed everything to me, I still hadn't told you about my own powers. I made a vow to myself that I would as soon as we were alone, and well . . . I was letting myself be a coward about it."
"Oh." He looked down at her, surprised and relieved. He would never have thought her to be the type to be nervous about anything, but he realized now why she would have been. And it was very gratifying to hear that she'd been avoiding him because she was afraid to tell him something, not because she suddenly wanted Zevran and not him. "So . . . you still want something to do with me, then?"
"Very much so." She was grinning wickedly at him again, which, as always, made him both blushing and aroused within seconds. "I'd like to show you just how much, now that we're finally alone, but I'm exhausted. When I spend too much time shifted, it takes a lot out of me. That's why we only use it when there's a pressing need."
And he could see that, in spite of the fact that she no longer looked defeated, she was still exhausted. Her face was drawn with weariness. "About that," he murmured huskily in her ear, loving the fact that she shivered, "I never got to thank you yet for saving me."
"Oh?" She looked up at him, her green eyes suddenly blazing with desire as she licked her lips. He let out a strangled groan as the motion sent a shaft of lust through him. "Do I get a . . . reward for my timely rescue?"
He leaned closer, nipping lightly at her earlobe, pleased when she let out a low moan in response. "I might . . . have something in mind. But it'll have to be later," he said regretfully, still blushing and a little surprised at his own boldness, as he pulled back a little. "I am on watch, you know, and if you distract me like this, I won't be watching anything but you."
"That's the idea." She winked at him in response, before sighing, "But you are right, of course. I'd rather be fully recovered, anyway, for whatever you have in mind. I'll go rest and let you finish your watch."
He gathered her up, kissing her hard and swiftly before setting her back down. "Later," he promised her.
She nodded, before looking behind him at the ring of tents. "My tent isn't up, is it?"
"Oh." He frowned, realizing that he'd been so caught up in his guilt and worry for her, he hadn't thought to set it up for her. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't think of it. You . . ." he hesitated. "You can use mine. If you want, that is, just to – just to sleep in. I'll just . . . sleep, too, when my watch is done."
She tilted her head, studying him. He'd lost much of his newfound boldness at the thought of her in his tent, and felt like a bumbling fool after tripping over his words like that, which of course was nothing new around her. "All right. Just to sleep in. For now. Later, we'll have to find a much better use for it." She smiled slyly at him before slipping past him and making her way to his tent.
He stared after her, gaping and blushing as his mind went to all the "better uses" they could put his tent to. He went painfully hard, his arousal pushing against the confines of his armor, as the images flashed through his brain. He shook his head as she disappeared into his tent, and forced himself to focus. He was on watch, he reminded himself sternly, he couldn't afford to be distracted like this.
He went back to patrolling the perimeter, and by using the discipline of his Templar training techniques, was able to get himself back under control and focus on keeping watch for the remainder of his shift. Finally, Leliana came to relieve him. "Did she come back yet?" the bard yawned.
Alistair smiled. "She did, and she accepted my apology. I think everything's okay now."
"Good," Leliana smiled in response. "Now, go get some sleep, Alistair. You look exhausted."
He realized he was rather tired, after all the excitement and worry of the day, so he nodded, bidding Leliana good night as he headed for his tent. Knowing there wasn't a whole lot of room in the tent, he took his armor off at the entrance, setting it down as quietly as he could, noticing that Ayla's armor was piled there as well. Her swords were not, however. He left his shield with his armor, but to be on the safe side, brought his sword in with him as well. He usually kept it nearby in the tent anyway.
She was curled up on her side on the pallet when he quietly slipped inside. He could barely make her out in the darkness of the tent as he laid his sword down carefully before settling himself down in the space she'd left for him. She was sleeping soundly; though she rolled over and curled up next to him, flinging her arm over his chest, she didn't wake up. He pulled the edge of the blanket over top of himself, and slid an arm around her shoulders, pulling her a little tighter to his side. She looked so peaceful in her sleep that he felt only warmth and contentment at the moment, not the usual raging fire. In no time, he'd fallen asleep next to her. He had no nightmares that night, sleeping better than he ever had since joining the Wardens.