Chapter 7

Despite Beth's protests, Aaron made her sleep the whole night through. Except she didn't sleep the whole night through, her nightmares took such a strong hold on her; Aaron had inadvertently drawn walkers to them by loudly calling her name and shaking her to wake her up. She shot up, drenched in a cold sweat and an altogether different kind of pale that made his chest tighten. She blank several times looking up at the moon while she mentally shoved her nightmares back into their chained boxes. She had to fight with her ghosts, who were fighting with each other over her. The wolves howling inside of her, filling her up with their madness while Dawn religiously belittled everything about her and then her father would both try to soothe his daughter and preach to Dawn and the Wolves. She forced the memories associated with her ghosts back down and tried to swallow them, tried to digest them and remove them from her system, but that only made her think of cutting her arm to bleed them out all over again. She shivered and tried over and over to regain control and push it all down. Once her breathing returned to normal, she tried to tell Aaron she would take over watch so he could sleep, but he pushed her back down, shaking his head.

"Sleep, please. I know the nightmares are bad, but you need it".

Beth wanted to argue, but the warmth still lingered on her body and the night was such a smooth kind of darkness that sleep easily took her once more before she could. This time at least, she didn't dream at all. She fell right back into a deep sleep, her chest rising and falling in such a steady rhythm Aaron found he could measure time by watching her, and thankfully Beth stayed that way until well after sunrise. By the time she did finally wake up, Aaron had prepared more food for her and insisted she drink a whole bottle of water before they get started on their walk towards Alexandria. She ate the can of beans he had heated for her and accepted the meat jerky he forced on her in addition, with some reluctance. But again she found herself nearly shoveling the food in, her body humming at the simple joy of receiving nourishment. She did, however, force a piece of the meat on Aaron in return. He relented and accepted much easier than Beth had, which made her smile. He seemed very pleased with that smile and returned one of his own as he nibbled on the jerky.

When they got up and started getting ready to leave, Aaron had tried to carry all the bags, but Beth refused.

"At least let me carry that duffle bag, its heavy and it will wear you out quickly. "

"I'm not weak, Aaron. I was carrying all of my stuff just fine before I met you."

"And then you cut your arm up and lost an incredible amount of blood, a discussion we will go into further length with later, but for right now, you carry a light load and make it back to your people; Alive!" He emphasized on his last word and put the strap over his shoulder, turning on his heel and effectively ended the argument.

Beth huffed and shouldered the food bag, her crossbow in her hands as she followed Aaron down the road they had spent longer than she'd have liked to on the side of.

That had been almost two hours ago. Now, they walked calmly side by side. They hadn't done much talking since then, just the general 'Is that a walker?', 'no.', 'that is, though'. She was beginning to think maybe he had forgotten about her cutting thing when he finally turned to her and started talking.

"I'm gay. I wasn't sure if its obvious or not. But I am. My mother; she was in denial my whole life. But she told me once that she had known since I was a small toddler. Said she could feel it, later she would tell me how sorry she was for letting the fear it made her feel consume her, but that's for a different conversation."

Beth side-eyed him quietly as they walked, listening to the back story he was giving her, wondering if he was going to try to pull her story from her. Her jaw clenched at the thought of him trying to pry in to her life or what she's been through. But he didn't ask an question and he didn't look curious. Beth noticed how Aaron didn't really look at her as he continued talking, his past shifting all the colors that usually seemed to highlight him.

"When I was in college, I met this guy. Pretty hot and cool kind of guy, in the gay-party scene kind of way. He was addicted to heroin, and I told myself I could fix him; I could pull him out of it. I fell hard for him, though, and I fell even harder into his lifestyle."

Beth quirked her eyebrow at him, "You don't look like a heroin addict, or like you ever were one."

"I wasn't one. I fancied pills. Opiate based especially. I would go on pill benders for days and days and I would come out the other side and not remember a damn thing that had happened the last three days, four days. I did some pretty terrible things in that time. I was the result of a lot of bad things that happened, even the deaths of some of my friends and I lost a lot of my family members because of what damage I inflicted on them."

Beth fell silent, this conversation wasn't really going where she was expecting it to but it was at the same time. He was trying to bond with her, just like she figured he would, but he wasn't trying to compare. And she realized sadly because what had damaged him had been just as painful for him as what had damaged her, they didn't need to be similar. He was simply showing her his 'scars', so to speak, to tell her that he gets it, he knows what its like on some level. She felt such heaviness to the air around them, and this time, when she felt the urge to comfort someone again, she didn't resist she reached out and gave Aaron's hand a small squeeze.

"And then he died of an overdose. And I was…lost. I was supposed to walk across the stage two days after it happened, I didn't go. Still technically graduated, but my entire family showed up despite everything I had been doing to them, and I was eight blocks away, blacked out in a puddle of my own urine and vomit. I had a grand mall seizure in an ally and it took two days before someone found me. A week later I tried again, swallowed every pill bottle I could find. That was a scary high, let me tell you."

He was staring at the ground as they walked now, his shoulders slumped and something so dark and haunted moved in his eyes it hurt Beth to see. She was starting to see what he was getting at, and with his next words, she knew that they were both coming to a very clear understanding of each other.

"I was surrounded by ghosts, by so many of the people I had lost. The people I had hurt. I tried everything I could to get away from them, to keep them quiet. To bleed them out." He lifted his eyes to hers now, they were softer and lighter but there were still clouds there, "I almost died several times trying to get away from them."

"Did you?" Beth's voice came out so quietly she wasn't sure he had heard her, but he nodded, "How?" this time her voice came out stronger.

"Rehab." He said with a shrug, "And realizing that the ghosts were just a disguise for me to use against myself. We are our own nemesis."

They fell back into silence as Beth mulled over everything he had told her. It made sense that she is in control of her own ghosts, but how does she stop hurting herself like she does? Even if they did have a rehab for people who cut themselves, she can't exactly go to it. And it's not like she could turn through the yellow pages and find a therapist to go to either.

"You don't need rehab, Beth, you need a lobotomy."

Beth mentally flicked Dawn off as she drank from her water bottle. And if she is the one in control of her ghosts and she's the one using them as boxing gloves to punch herself with, then why the hell don't they go away and leave her alone when she tells them to?

The further they walked, the more she thought on it and the more Dawn and the Wolves chatter ran rampant in her mind; the more irritated she began to grow with herself. Everyone she knows has been through their share of truly awful experiences, and here she is in her corner, having melt downs and cutting herself like a brat. She has never once seen anyone mutilate themselves like she does to herself and all it does is make her feel worse, make her feel more sick, and not just to her stomach but sick in the head, too, especially when the Wolf reminds her of his own mutilating forehead 'W'.

You cut yourself one more damn time, Beth Greene, and you better cut deep enough to die. She told herself angrily.

"What have I been saying this whole time?" Dawn's voiced drawled.

Beth gave Dawn, and herself, a swift mental kick in the ass and continued walking silently beside Aaron, trying to ignore her new aggravations.

It was a little while later when it hit Beth like a ton of bricks. Aaron had become her friend. And it wasn't just surprising on her part, with Beth having found being a lot less trusting and a lot less eager to comfort these days. It was surprising how easily Aaron had accepted her and even opened up to her, considering the world they live in now. Considering that she had been in a rather less than sane state of mind when he had come upon her. But after Beth had told him what her name was, all reservations she felt from him towards her had vanished. He knew who she was, someone had told him about her! But who? Maggie, most likely. Maybe Carl?

She looked up for Arron and found herself staring at his back. In all her revelations, Beth had fallen behind him a little. Now, she picked up her pace and moved back into stride beside him.

"So how do you know who I am? Who talks about me?"

Aaron glanced at her with a bit of surprise.

"Well it wasn't hard to figure out, normal people wouldn't have been so open to leading someone back to their home without even trying to cover their eyes or something and nor would that person open up about such private details of their lives when dealing with complete strangers. Unless they are not a complete stranger to that person. So, who talks about me?"

Aaron, smiled, impressed by her powers of deduction despite their delay. He nodded slowly, "Your sister, Maggie, she's mentioned you a few times. But, mostly I know of you through Daryl."

He watched her eyes grow wide and had to bite back a chuckle, "Well, not in the verbal sense, being that he doesn't really talk much at all. But he has told me enough and he has his telling signs." His face fell somewhat, "And I know, or I guess I should say I feel, that losing you; it hurt him deeply."

Beth felt her chest and her throat tightening up at his words, he must have noticed, because he slowly lowered his hand on her shoulder and gave a warm reassuring squeeze. He was about to pull back, but Beth's hand snuck up and covered his, taking the moment he was offering for all its worth. She let the shudder of emotions roll through her, clenching her jaw and eyes to keep them from letting the tears loose that were threatening to spill out of her. She took a deep breath and squeezed Aaron's hand back by way of communicating her appreciation.

"C'mon," he said softly, "We're almost there. Just a few more blocks."

Beth nodded, thankful for so much she felt like she needed to prepare a turkey for dinner. She wiped her hands on her jeans as she picked back up with their pace, her palms feeling clammy with nerves. She knows that it truly is ridiculous at this point to have any qualms over the upcoming reunions she'll share with her loved ones, she knows in her heart of hearts that everything is going to be fine and that they will eagerly pull her to their chests and kiss her and hold her tightly. Things are going to get scary soon, real soon, but she's home. Really home this time, and everything will be fine.