Chapter 9
Deanna let Beth clean herself up a bit in the hall bathroom, and now she is staring at the clearest reflection she has seen of herself in what felt like months. Her face is coated in mud and blood, both had dried and started to flake off. She ran her hands under the warm water, and lowered her eyes to her hair, following the ruff edges of her new bobbed style, liking the way it fell and framed her face. She brought her face down to the sink and lathered her hands up with the soap, rubbing the pads of her fingers into her cheeks and spreading up, around her eyes, and across her forehead. She rinsed and re-lathered, and rinsed and re-lathered one more time. This time, when Beth found herself in the mirror, she was starting to recognize what she saw. Beth changed clothes in to a pair of cotton stretch pants she had lifted from the store and another random tee-shirt. She put her boots back on and zipped up her jacket, deciding it was best to hide her self-inflicted injuries for a bit longer. And then she stood up straight and drew in a deep breath. A knock rounded out in the small space she stood in and she could hear Aaron's voice calling to her from the other side. It was time, she couldn't delay it any longer. So Beth swallowed around the lump that had grown in her throat and opened the door to see Aaron patiently waiting.
"You clean up well without showering." He said with a rueful smile.
"I'm not really sure how to take that," she grinned in return and felt her tension ease even more when he chuckled. She pushed her hair behind her ear nervously while grabbing her bag, biting on her lip.
"What's wrong?"
"They think I'm dead. So what if they don't...believe I'm me?"
Aaron's face softened into a much sweeter and sympathetic smile, he reached out and tugged on Beth's hand, "I never even met you, Beth. I have never known you, but I knew you were you, once you told me your name. What little I had known about you? Helped it all to click into place. So no more doubts, Beth. These people are your people, and they could never not know that you are you." He continued to smile, but slowly his face scrunched up a bit, "if that makes any sense..."
Beth snorted and smiled big and wide for him, "It's a little confusing, but I get the gist."
Aaron nodded and gestured for Beth to follow him out of Deanna's house. She closed the door behind her and trotted down the steps after him. They found their comfortable pace again as they walked through the neighborhood. He took a few turns and Beth tried to make a mental map of Alexandria, but she told herself it was going to take some time. She would need to walk the grounds and perimeter several times before it would all fall into a mental 3D map in her head. She was looking in almost every direction, trying to see everything all at once, that she hadn't noticed when Aaron had come to a stop in front of a large blue house. He called out to her to grab her attention and she snapped back around, flustered and frazzled from trying to soak in so many details at once. She walked back to him and slowly took to the steps behind him, her feet feeling heavier and heavier with each step forward she took. Aaron opened the front door and walked in, staring into a room full of people that she couldn't see yet. He turned back to face her, offering her a warm smile and holding out his hand for her to take. She took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and crossed the threshold to take his hand.
Beth let the door close and let Aaron take her into the room.
Everything fell so silent it terrified her. No one moved. No one was even blinking. No one gasped or cried or laughed. She glanced around at each pair of eyes, her chest rising and falling rapidly, are they even breathing?
And then it happened. It sounded like a hiccup at first, or maybe like she had started to speak but her voice wasn't working; but then Maggie let out a second little hiccuping sob before she exploded from the couch she was sitting on, tears streaming down her face in large rivulets, and Maggie snatched her baby sister into her arms with a ferocity unmatched by any other. Maggie's chest felt like it was collapsing against Beth, each time Maggie struggled to bring air into her lungs her entire body would quake against Beth, trembling in her hands as she gripped her tighter. Maggie had lost it completely, Beth realized she had never seen Maggie so emotional, it was making Beth's anxiety soike. But after everything, Beth couldn't blame her. She began to try to coax her sister despite her own pulsing vision, "Shhh Maggie, it's okay, I know. I know, Maggie, I know, it's okay. I'm here. I'm really here."
Eventually, a teary eyed Glenn approached the sisters, eyes glued to Beth's as he stepped in to embrace the pair. He kissed both on the tops of their heads and held both tightly for a spell. Then he pulled back, and ever so gently, pried Maggie from a very tense Beth so they could both breathe and calm themselves down. Beth mouthed a 'thank you' to Glenn and adjusted herself and her clothing until a second body attached itself to her, Beth resisted the urge to strike out and turned her head just enough to see the brim of Carl's hat and she felt her heart drop. She smiled and caved slightly into the hug, returning it as tightly as she could with one arm. He pulled back and Beth found herself looking up at him, she gave a small gasp, "You're taller than me!" He laughed and stepped back. Rick was holding Judith, who was currently fighting him and reaching for Beth. He walked forward and pulled her into a group hug with the baby, who Beth couldn't help but to pepper in sweet kisses as tears were now steadily and quietly rolling from her eyes but still she would not take Judy from him. Rick didn't say anything, he just gave her shoulder a squeeze and sat back down with Judith, for now. There were still plenty more people to go.
Michone gave Beth a sweet side hug, telling her how happy she was to have her back. Sasha swallowed thickly, unshed tears in her eyes that Beth could tell were not for her. Sasha took Beth's hand and squeezed it, "'S'good to have you back." She didn't have to tell Beth, she didn't have to say anything, Beth could see the ghosts haunting Sasha in her eyes, too. Just like with Deanna. Beth returned the gentle tightening of her hand and swiped her thumb softly there a few times before Sasha pulled away and excused herself out the front door.
Beth watched her go somewhat longingly, the continuous touching was starting to wear her down, and she realized a little too lately that she would have to tell them all something about what had happened to her during their separation. But she wasn't sure she wanted them to know everything. She didn't think she was ready for the rest of her family to see who she really had become, because in all honesty, they never truly saw her for who she had been. Daryl had though. Daryl saw and knew everything there was to know about Beth Greene, because everything there was to know about her was incredibly simple. She felt the familiar ache she had grown accustomed to since his absence grow a little more as she started scanning the room for him.
A preacher man had approached her and started telling Beth what a miracle she was, and that maybe they should make her a saint. "Saint Beth Greene," he laughed, clasping her hands in his worship grip, "Wouldn't that be something." She tried to tug her hands free, growing a little panicked as she realized there were still more strangers eyeing her. She felt like she was being spun around the room in a twisted version of Russian Roulette. As a very tall redheaded man had even clapped her on the back in a hug that had her jumping back from him, dubbing her Resurrection the 'coolest shit' he'd ever heard, Beth was growing a little concerned at the lack of a pair of stinging blue eyes in the room.
"I'm Rosita. I, uh, I'm glad you're not dead." One woman said to her, Beth's heart pounding painfully in her chest. Carol stepped up, smiling at Beth with warm happy tears in her eyes, she shook her head slightly as she took Beth into her arms, "Look at you, you've changed so much! Oh, Beth, your father would be so proud of you. And Noah and so would Daryl!"
The floor dropped out from beneath Beth and she stepped back quickly, breaking out of Carol's arms. Panic punched her in the gut, her stomach ready to hurl as she looked around the room anxiously yet again. But she couldn't find him, she couldn't feel his eyes on her, watching her. He's not in the room and Beth is starting to slip again, she turns back to Carol, "Where is Daryl? Is he dead? Where is he?" She moves away from her and moves towards Aaron, then turns towards Maggie, "Where is he? What happened to him?" everyone looking at her with such confusion it only infuriated her more, her mind reeling with possibilities.
"It's fine, he's fine, he just hasn't gotten back yet," Rick stepped up, passing Judy to her brother as he slowly and calmly approached Beth like she were a frantic wounded animal, but to be honest, she kind of felt like one.
"What do you mean he's not back yet? Where did he go? Why?" She was starting to back up more, her chest heaving greatly as her head spun. She was starting to feel dizzy, like everything was falling off to one side. Like gravity had suddenly shifted and wasn't pulling everything towards the center of the planet anymore. She tried to push down on her panic, but everything in her felt alarmed and on edge. He was supposed to be here when she got back, he was supposed to stare at her in denial and then slip out the front door and wait on the porch for her to come outside and sit with him and finally say everything, all the things neither one of them could say before. But he isn't in the room and she can't help it anymore, she's there and he's not and now she is staring down the barrel of loaded massive panic attack and her family was only making it worse. They were all tensing up and moving into defensive positions, eyes following her around the room as if she were dangerous to them.
And then Beth saw her ghosts; she saw Dawn sitting next to Carol, smirking malevolently and whispering things to Beth, whispering how weak she was to fall apart now, to have come so far and just lose it because her boy toy wasn't home. She saw the wolf next to Carl and Judith, and he just grinned at her while he played with Judith, using his hand as a puppet to mimic chewing on her little chubby arm. And then she saw her Daddy, seated next to Maggie with his hand on her shoulder lovingly, smiling at Beth. Rick reached out and put both of his hands on her shoulders and tried to push her down into a seat, and Beth lost it completely, instantly seeing Gorman and smelling his sickly sweet breath as he shoved a lollipop in her mouth, feeling his hands glide up her skin. Beth almost blacked out, almost let herself fall back into the chair, but she couldn't, because giving into the darkness pulling at her would be to fall into that pit. And to let everyone here see her as weak again like she had been at the farm or the prison? No. So Beth swung her arms up and knocked his grip from her shoulders with a snarl. She turned and b-lined it for the door, she was going to go find Daryl. But Rick snatched her by her arms and pulled them behind her back, she struggled against him, pointedly ignoring whatever words he was trying to use to calm her down with, because what Rick failed to realize was that it was his physical approach to the situation that had been what really set her off. She leaned forward as far as she could before snapping back, the back of her skull colliding with Rick's face. He coughed and sputtered blood, releasing his hold on the tiny blonde.
"Let me make one thing perfectly clear," Beth growled out trying to ignore the wolves howling, turning on her heal to face everyone in the room with their big wide eyes on her, "If I want to leave, you will not stop me."
"What the hell happened to you out there, Beth?" Michone asked, her brows creased as she stepped forward towards Rick, "This isn't like the Beth I knew at the prison at all."
"Because the Beth you knew died that day with her Daddy."
Beth turned and left the house, her chest aching so badly she wanted to scream and bring every single walker down on this town and let them paint it red. She wanted the persistent headache to go away and for her ghosts to move on to the next life. Beth just wanted to feel normal again, to be able to go back into that house and have the heartwarming reunion with each of them that she so desperately wanted. But deep in her chest Beth knew, she only wanted one thing. To find Daryl. To feel as close to normal again as she could. And she would only be able to with him. In all her worrying about how everyone else would react to her, Beth hadn't once considered how she might react to them. She hadn't considered that it would be too much for her or that she would panic and freak out. The further she aimlessly walked through Alexandria, the worse Beth felt. She pushed everyone away from her and then ran away from them too because they were still just too close, still too suffocating. Still too blind to see her.