Chapter 18 - Beginning of the Beginning
'Til now, I always got by on my own,
I never really cared until I met you,
And now it chills me to the bone,
How do I get you alone?
- Alone Again, Alyssa Reid
"You'd better apologise, Black," she snapped, scowling at him, "I don't care what you say, this is your fault!"
"It really isn't," Sirius replied, laughing although he did feel bad, "/You/ yelled at /me/."
"Yes and now we're in fucking detention because you were a fucking prat!"
"Mr Black, Miss McKinnon, given the nature of your punishment I would advise you to stay quiet," Professor McGonagall said from her desk. She was overseeing their detention as Professor Flitwick couldn't. "Seeing as you don't have many detentions on your record, Miss McKinnon, I will trust you to behave however there will be enchantments on the door and if either of you try to leave..." She sent a quick, dark look towards Sirius. "I will be notified. I have to depart for half an hour to oversee some students in another area and I do expect /both/ of you to sort through these old potions records and rewrite them correctly."
Marlene sighed and Sirius groaned - he knew from bitter experience that writing lines or copying things out was one of the worst punishments because your hands cramped up, your head ached from deciphering the minuscule writing and your back hurt from leaning over for the whole hour. Thank Merlin, he thought, that McGonagall was leaving for a bit: he could actually try to get Marlene to talk to him, although talking wasn't the only thing on his agenda.
"I'm trusting you," the professor warned, stepping outside and and shutting the heavy door firmly.
"Big mistake," Sirius grinned once her footsteps had faded away and he turned to Marlene.
In return, she just raised an eyebrow and picked up a quill to begin their task.
"Are you actually going to ignore me?" he said, exasperated.
Marlene didn't reply, as she was trying to block him out.
"Really?" Sirius asked, sliding into the seat next to her, his long fringe falling easily into his eyes. It was attractive, too attractive, and Marlene resisted the urge to stare at him.
"Really."
"You're actually going to block me out so completely when we have half an hour practically given to us?" Sirius sighed. "Can't we just try to sort this mess out?"
"No," was her short reply.
Sirius made a noise of annoyance in the back of his throat and watched as Marlene continued writing, her quill scratching against the parchment as her blonde head turned backwards and forwards to check what she was writing.
Ten minutes of silence passed until Sirius picked up his own feather quill and started to write, although only absentmindedly because he was busy formulating a plan.
Another ten minutes gone and Marlene had run out of parchment. Standing up slowly, she headed to the front of the classroom. Wary of how quiet Sirius was being, she turned around to check on him (and stare, if she was honest). Letting out a little yelp when she saw him just inches away from her, Marlene took a step backwards and tried to stop her heart fluttering wildly.
"Merlin, Black," she breathed, forgetting all about ignoring him with his proximity.
He took a step forwards, she took one back. He snuck his hands onto her waist, she shivered but shook them off.
"What are you doing?" Marlene demanded.
Sirius just smirked and stepped forwards again.
"Sirius..." Marlene warned as he pressed her against the wall gently, lips so close to hers she could feel his breath on her neck. "Sirius - don't."
As per usual he didn't listen and their lips brushed for half a second making Marlene want to melt; she pulled herself together again with a quick mental note of warning.
The sound of the slap resonated around the classroom as Sirius' otherwise evenly coloured skin turned red where she had hit him. He retreated quickly, taking a few hasty steps backwards to avoid being slapped again. Marlene was red and scowling and she folded her arms.
"What the hell was that? I said 'don't' and you fucking ignored me! I'm sick of you, okay? You act like you care, you say you have /feelings/ for me yet at the same time you ignore me, snog Emmeline, ignore me, let me fall at practise, did I mention ignoring me? And then you went and shagged her when you should've been apologising! Oh, and then you ignore me some more before kissing me again. I hate it," she blurted out, "I can't love you, it's an awful idea falling in love with someone who will never want what I want, but I can't seem to forget you either because of the childish way you're acting."
"Don't act like you're entirely innocent, McKinnon! At New Year we snogged and thought we might be getting along again until you waltzed off to make out with the Prewett dickhead, you admit to having feelings for me before buggering off and saying I mean nothing to you," Sirius snapped, glaring at her.
Marlene threw her hands in the air in annoyance as she stormed back to her desk, parchment in her hand. Sirius was about to say something else when they heard the clatter of high heeled shoes along the corridor and the door handle turning. McGonagall walked in with a suspicious look.
"Mr Black, what are you doing out of your seat?"
"Getting more parchment, Professor!" he lied easily.
Professor McGonagall didn't believe him one bit after years of dealing with the Marauders. "Miss McKinnon has plenty on her desk already."
Marlene smiled sweetly but Sirius scoffed.
"McKinnon," he sneered, shooting her an odd look, "Doesn't like telling me things until it's too late, it seems."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Marlene said sharply, catching the double meaning and standing up (she knew what it meant and she knew it was true).
"Sit down - /both/ of you - before I give you another detention!"
Marlene sat down quickly and busied herself with writing more instructions before she satisfied herself by slapping the taller boy again. Slouching back to his seat and sprawling across it lazily, Sirius twirled his quill as he stared openly at Marlene. While he wanted to accuse her of more, he also wanted to kiss her again badly so distracted himself but actually beginning to write.
Marlene was out of the doors as soon as McGonagall said they could leave, trying desperately to put as much distance between herself and the dark haired boy packing his things alone in the classroom.
He'd messed up again. Big time. But so had she. Each time they came close to sorting out their issues, one of them said or did something to set them back; it was a perfect example of two paces forward, one pace back. It was progress, but only very slow progress.
Once Marlene had reached the Common Room and her dorm, she was on the verge of crying. She hated the situation she was in, with her and Sirius constantly fighting.
"I /hate/ it!" she yelled, throwing her bag on the floor and shutting the door.
Mary, Lily and Hestia looked up in unison, conversation halting.
"I guess they didn't shag all their annoyance away then," Mary muttered.
"I hate this, I hate him, I hate everything!" Marlene continued.
Hestia pouted. "You don't hate us, do you?"
Marlene paced around the room, eyes welling up. "I don't want to be like this. I want to go back to how it was before the holidays where he would hold me and help me, wipe my tears!"
"This is cute," Mary snickered but Lily shushed her .
"All we do now is bicker and fight and I haven't talked to him - properly talked to him - for weeks, months even," Marlene sniffled, "And I hate it... I absolutely /hate/ the fact that I have fallen for the most immature, jealous, pig headed, arrogant, loyal, caring, trustworthy and /good/ twat it is possible to fall for!"
Lily, Mary and Hestia all wore identical looks of amazement and joy.
"SHE SAID IT!" Mary squeaked, leaping up and dancing around until Hestia stopped her.
"Mary, just..." she said helplessly as their friend let out a muffled sob and sunk onto her bed.
Marlene wanted to curl up and cry for years as her friends surrounded her.
"I've fallen for him when I tried so hard not to. I've lost my parents, I've lost Mason, we've all lost Em, I-I can't lose him as well."
Mary stood up, saluted Lily and Hestia before she stormed out to find Sirius Black.
"OI, Black!" she said angrily, crossing the Common Room to where the Marauders were seated by the roaring fire.
Peter looked up and laughed. "What have you done now, Padfoot?"
"Shut up, Pete."
"My best friend is crying upstairs - yeah, the one you're half in love with." Sirius spluttered in protest but Mary ploughed on. "Her. Anyway, she's upstairs crying and has just admitted that she fancies the pants off you. Which would be damn awesome if she wasn't upset."
"Why is she upset?" James butted in, "Sirius hasn't done anything has he?"
Mary shook her head sadly. "It's a combination of things. Her parents, Mason, Em going bat-shit crazy, school work I think, worry for her brother, something she won't tell us and then part of it's Sirius."
"Should I go and-?"
"No, James, I know you mean well but us girls have got this," she said with a small smile.
"Why did you come down then?" Sirius asked, grey eyes focused on Mary.
"To tell you to get your fucking shit together!" Mary spat.
And with that, she turned on her heel and stormed back up the staircase.
During the next week, Sirius did try to pull himself together and all his friends noticed: whereas before he spent his time finding ways to annoy Marlene, he now left her well alone when she asked him to; he stopped cornering her and often held his tongue when he wanted to snap back at one of her comments; and he started noticing little things about her that no one else seemed to be spotting, like how she had begun to withdraw into herself again, staring in concern at Josh at the Ravenclaw table at meals, and how she always seemed to have burns or cuts or rashes on the ends of her fingers in the morning. The problem was, she was avoiding him even more steadily and and of he attempt he did make to talk, apologise (and admittedly then snog her against the wall) were coldly rebuked.
It was late one night, Sirius having returned from yet another detention for vexing Slytherins as they walked past, when she finally gave in and let him explain in his own way.
She was sitting cross-legged in front of the fire, hands trembling as she picked up the letter that had just been delivered. Sirius stood silently in the door frame of the Portrait Hole, arms folded as he watched her. Slipping her finger under the flap and breaking the wax seal on it, Marlene opened the note. The letter dropped onto her lap and she unfolded it, breaths ragged.
Behind her, the flames rose and fell, casting half the room into shadow and the other into a golden relief, Marlene's messy hair a glowing gold.
A little hiss of pain, one tear down a cheek.
Sirius was by her side in an instant as she winced and dropped the parchment.
"Sirius," she choked, "Sirius..."
He reached for the fallen paper but she slapped his hand away, the prickle of pain from the Stinging Hex attached to the letter spreading from her fingertips up her shaking hands.
"Who's the letter from?" Sirius whispered.
"M-My aunt and uncle," she admitted, "They've been sending them since Christmas."
"And what do they have in them?" Nothing good, he guessed.
"Threats, mainly. Saying that even when I'm of age and free of them, a Josh won't be. That if I want him to be safe I have to do what they want," she whispered, more tears trickling from her tired eyes as she looked up at him helplessly.
This was where she needed him, Sirius realised, where no one else could understand. Before now he would've kissed her, but now he didn't: picking up the letter with his jumper acting as a glove, he threw it straight into the crackling fire, the flames eating the old parchment greedily, and it disintegrated into ash. He pulled her carefully onto his lap to inspect her fingers.
"Stinging Hex," he muttered, getting out her wand and tapping the palm of her hand as he non-verbally countered the spell. "They've put a fucking hex on every letter, haven't they? I've seen cuts and burns in the last week alone."
"You can't tell anyone, Sirius, please!" Marlene protested, "If anyone knows they'll make his life so difficult. I can't be responsible for that. I have to let them think they're getting to me."
"Course I won't," he promised quietly, understanding her situation only too well.
He cared. Really cared. And for the first time, Marlene truly saw that. Whatever he might say, whatever he might do, Sirius Black was a good person that just struggled to do the right thing a lot of the time.
"Thank you, Sirius," Marlene said sincerely, slowly looking up at him. "Thank you for helping."
It would've been the perfect time to kiss her and just /tell her/ how he felt but his courage died and he left it.
"I'll always help you, Marlene, just ask," Sirius mumbled, tucking her head under his chin and sighing.
Not wanting to push it too far and end up ruining the moment, Marlene gave his hand (which had /somehow/ become entangled with hers) a quick, grateful squeeze before she got up and vanished up the stairs leaving a confused and surprisingly emotional Sirius.
When Marlene crept downstairs, Lily - who was a light sleeper at the best of times - woke from her sleep, a light sheen of sweat on her forehead and the images faded. Her emerald green eyes followed her friend out of the door. Knowing that she wouldn't be able to drift back off without horrible memories swirling in front of her eyes, Lily got up and pulled her on a Gryffindor jumper from her trunk over her pyjamas. Silently, not wanting to disturb Marlene in the Common Room and the others in their dorm, she crept down the girls' staircase and hesitated for a moment, second guessing her self, before he headed up the stairs opposite her own.
She wasn't entirely sure which dorm was the sixth year boys', but Lily needn't have worried: one of the door help a gleaming plaque that read 'The Marauders'. Holding back and amused chuckled she closely, cautiously opened the old wooden door with trepidation. Fiery and bright, her hair hung down around her pale shoulders and caught in the moonlight as she poked her head around the door.
"Remus?" she whispered into the silence.
No reply, so she hesitantly stepped inside and shut the door behind her again.
"R-Remus?" Lily called quietly, wrapping her arms around herself. Finally there was some movement from a bed so she walked over.
Tousled hair appeared over the duvet and a hand fumbled for a pair of round glasses on his bedside table.
"Evans?" a sleepy James Potter asked, sitting up slowly.
Lily's pale skin flushed and she took a hasty step backwards. "Oh, sorry, Ja-Potter, I was... Uh..."
He slipped his glasses onto his nose and blinked as the red-head in front of sharpened into focus and she realised she was only wearing thing pyjamas and a jumper.
"Evans?" he repeated, "What are you doing here?"
"Looking for Remus," she explained, "I know he's, ah, /ill/ a lot so I wonder if he had any Dreamless Sleep potion I could borrow..."
James frowned. "Dreamless sleep? Are you, Lily - I mean, Evans - are you not sleeping?"
She sighed and fiddled with a lock of her thick hair as she composed herself.
"No," Lily admitted, "I - uh - I haven't slept well for a while."
Sitting up, James pulled his knees in to make room on the hex and motioned that she could sit down if she so wished. She did, albeit nervously, and crossed her legs, her large jumper swamping her. It felt weird to be sitting on James Potter's bed late at night dressed only in her pyjamas and an old jumper but the look of genuine concern in his warm hazel eyes rather than arrogance or teasing put her at ease.
"Since you were taken?" he guessed. "I mean, not that I /know/ but I'm just-"
"It's okay, Potter," Lily interrupted.
He ruffled his hair and flashed her a nervous smile.
"You're right, though. Since I was taken."
"I'm sorry," James blurted out.
Lily looked confused and tilted her head to the side.
"That you had to go through that because you're a Muggleborn. It's not fair and you shouldn't have nightmares because you were tortured for your blood - because some bigoted, racist idiots can't control themselves," he said angrily, eyes suddenly blazing with passion, "And I'm also sorry that I can't do anything other than find you a potion to stop your problems and I want you to know you don't deserve any of this."
Lily smiled shyly at him, and uttered a little laugh. "Thank you, James Potter, that was positively mature."
James also laughed and slipped out of his bed to search for the potion.
"See, I can be responsible," he joked as he looked in Remus' cabinet.
"I'm amazed you haven't asked me out yet," Lily teased, shifting on his bed.
"Lily, I'm not the same person I was last year," James said seriously, returning with the vial, "I'm determined to win your heart, but last year I did it wrong. I was /in/ the wrong." His voice was honest and earnest.
She looked at him in amazement as she took the vial. "Wow."
"Yeah, well, we've all had to grow up quickly, what with you being in trouble and Marlene gone and Emmeline going all weird. Also, Padfoot should be back any second from detention and unless you want him to claim we're hooking up I would suggest you say goodnight and sneak back out," he said giving her a cheeky smile.
Lily waved her eyes and waved at him before she exited the dorm.
She snuck down the stairs and up her own, seeing Marlene sneak up behind her. Both girls pretended they didn't see the other; both girls also fell asleep with peaceful, content smiles on their face, Lily's potion abandoned on the bedside table, unused.