Palutena's Farting Dilemma

While a good handful of the Smash Mansion's residents were still locked in combat on the tourney-approved stages like Battlefield, Smashville, and Gaur Plains (ha, yeah right), Palutena was in the courtyard engaged in a battle of wits with the highly exalted prince of Altea. She sat upon a quaint little stool beneath the generous shade of a large umbrella, while Marth was seated across the table, pondering on whether he should move his knight or his rook.

"I'm surprised you were able to get out of your match so fast without forfeiting," commented Marth as he rubbed his delicate hand under his chin. "Diddy Kong can be very frustrating to take on."

"Yeah," replied Palutena with an awkward chuckle. "Those bananas come in handy when you can use them against him."

Marth swiftly moved one of his pieces in front of Palutena's king, not even giving her response any sign of a notice.

"Check."

Unfortunately for the Goddess of Light, her chess game was not looking as good as it normally did. She was still wondering what in the world had caused her to produce such fowl gases during the last match, so much so that it already cost her a queen and both of her bishops. Even under the protective dome of the umbrella, she could feel the heat of the sun penetrating her skull as she racked her brain for any kind of an explanation. Or perhaps that was just her nerves getting the best of her? In truth, she was embarrassed to even think about this sort of thing, especially in front of Altean royalty. Why the heck did she even come out to the courtyard in the first place?

"By the way, your tulips look lovely today," said Marth.

Palutena glanced at one of the nearby flowerbeds in the area. She had a whole section all to herself for her flowers, which mostly consisted of purple and yellow tulips. The bed next to hers belonged to Peach, which was a mere turnip garden, and beyond that sat Olimar's Pikpik carrot patch. She had come out after her brawl with Diddy in order to water the garden seeing as how it had already been a week (she was kind of absentminded when it came to these sort of things), and was thereafter invited by Marth to play a game of chess with him. Seeing as how she really had no excuse for joining in on their semi-weekly games (besides the farting thing, but again, she wasn't about to talk about that) she found herself sitting down across from the prince to play a quick round.

"Why thank you, Marth," replied Palutena with a smile. "I'm glad that someone enjoys them. Pit's always complaining to me that he's allergic to them, but I'm pretty sure that's just the ragweed."

"I'm sure they smell lovely." Marth took a small sip of his iced tea (compliments of Lucina; that girl is always trying to get on the Hero-King's good side). "Your move by the way."

Palutena eyed her small force of wooden pieces, realizing that she was grossly outnumbered by Marth's army. He had placed them in a very strategic position, forcing her to either back her king into a corner or sacrifice one of her rooks. What was even more infuriating was that her knight was completely pinned down by his queen, meaning that if she were to move it, then her king would certainly be taken. It was a real shame considering that the knight was in the perfect position to set up a check in her favor.

"Oh rats," she said, shrugging her elegant shoulders ever so slightly. "I'm not sure what I want to do here."

"Take your time," he replied. "Patience is all part of the game."

She analyzed the board once more, looking for any kind of crack in Marth's sturdy wall. She had an assortment of pawns, however, most of them were still backed onto her side of the board, making them rather useless. Marth, on the other hand, had a pawn far within her own territory, and the only thing that was preventing it from progressing any further was one of her rooks in the backline. She could move her rook to block the attack, but of course that would only result in Marth retrieving another rook onto her side with the aid of his infiltrator pawn. Indeed, it looked like she was caught in a bit of a dilemma. She wasn't about to throw the game, however, since this match was actually the tie breaker from about four dozen games of chess these past few months. To give it all away now because of some farting problem, well, that wasn't something she was willing to do.

Palutena took hold of a piece, but ended up putting it back down to grab a different one. She bit her lip in uncertainty, knowing full well that this move would surely be the most crucial moment for her in the entire game.

Just thinking about all of this was starting to make her stomach gurgle in the most unsettling of ways.

"Hey losers!" came an obnoxious voice from the mansion door.

Palutena and Marth broke out of their concentration, noticing a certain plump Italian man walking towards them with a very unhappy look on his mustached face.

"Good afternoon, Wario," greeted Marth casually. "How are-"

"Can it you sissy," replied Wario with grimace. "I don't have time for small talk!" He waltzed right up to the table, almost knocking it over with his fat belly in the process. Palutena ended up dropping one of her pawns under the table, but bending down to grab it only forced a small whistle of gas to escape from her behind. She sat up straight with a sheepish smile, hoping that neither of the other Smashers had heard that unladylike sound.

Fortunately for her, they didn't.

"What is the meaning of this?" questioned Marth, dropping the nice act seeing as how Wario clearly didn't come over just to say hi.

"Listen up you two," he snarled. "Someone has stolen my special garlic! I keep it in the kitchen in the back of all the other spices so that no one will touch it." He eyed the two Smashers suspiciously, narrowing his eyes on Marth and then shifting over to Palutena. "Now who took it?"

Palutena backed away from the greasy man slightly, somewhat afraid and embarrassed as she realized that she was the one who had taken Wario's garlic from the jar. But she couldn't say anything about it now! As long as Marth was sitting right there, she had to keep her mouth shut, otherwise she'd risk her dignity and her status as the Goddess of Light. If word got out that she had taken the garlic and was on a mad farting spree, she'd be the laughing stock of the mansion for years to come!

She could feel the sour breath of the man singe the tip of her nose, but thankfully Marth spoke up to draw his attention.

"Are you sure you didn't lose it?" he said honestly. "No offense Wario, but you have a habit of misplacing things in the mansion. Remember the Dream Tap incident?"

Wario could remember that incident quite clearly actually, but now was neither the time nor the place to discuss such irrelevant matters.

"I didn't lose it!" he protested. "Someone stole it!"

"Did you ask Kirby?" asked Palutena as nonchalantly as she could. "Or King Dedede?"

There was a slight crack in her voice as she spoke, but Wario seemed too agitated to notice.

"Both of them are in a brawl right now," he replied through gritted teeth. "I'm going to ask them as soon as they finish."

"You're best to start with them then," said Marth. "Do we look like people who would want to steal your garlic?"

Palutena let out an awkward laugh, hoping that he wouldn't see through her mediocre acting. Wario glared at her, giving a loud snort before promptly turning on his heels.

"Just you wait, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this," he mumbled as he stormed off. "When I get my hands on that sneaky thief, I'm gonna shove a plunger so far up his ass that…"

But his words trailed off before the other two could hear him; Palutena was reluctant to know exactly what he intended on finishing that sentence with. Thankfully, he had gone back into the mansion, leaving the other two Smashers back to their game.

"I'll never understand Wario," muttered Marth before he took another sip of his drink. "Anyway, it's still your turn." He paused momentarily before remembering the fallen pawn. "Oh hang on, let me get that for you." He backed his seat up a bit in order to get down beneath the table.

"No wait, Marth!" cried Palutena, knowing full well that if Marth went under the table, he was bound to smell something.

Without thinking, Palutena reached down to swipe her piece from his hand. In doing so, she ended up ripping a ginormous fart through her dress, causing Marth to jump up at the sudden burst of sound and slam his head against the bottom of the table. Chess pieces flew into the air, and Palutena ended up falling right off her seat unable to contain the wretched gases any further. A monsoon of fecal mist exploded from her butt, like a giant Mr. Game and Watch insecticide pump. Needless to say that Marth's face made direct contact with the reeking green vapours, leaving a burning taste in his mouth like red hot chili peppers. He screamed in horror, shielding himself with his arms, his eyes leaking as if he had walked right into a fog of teargas.

With the last of the farts finally squeezed out of her (for now), Palutena picked herself up off the ground, albeit on her knees. She leaned over to find Marth sitting on the pavement next to the overturned table, sobbing with his face in his hands. His beverage was now spilled all over the patio, along with various chess pieces of both colors. Now she was really starting to feel bad. Out of motherly instinct, she slid over and wrapped her arms around Marth, bringing him into a comforting hug. He cried and cried, unsure of what to make of this horrific and certainly uncouth event. The two ended up sitting there for several minutes while he let it all out. Palutena was beginning to think that perhaps telling Wario about the garlic may have been the proper decision after all.

She eventually noticed that her tulips had all wilted from the wretched stench.