Palutena's Farting Dilemma
Life stinks, and when you become a nonstop farting machine, it only ends up smelling worse.
That's more or less what Palutena ended up saying to Peach after she asked the pink princess to meet with her somewhere in private. She wasn't particularly enthusiastic about requesting such a thing either since her little farting problem was more embarrassing than shameful. The two were seated out on Peach's balcony overlooking the glorious courtyard where Palutena and Marth had been playing chess just minutes before. The poor Altean prince ended up locking himself in his room after receiving a lethal spray from Palutena's gases, and was likely dumping his head in a bucket of bleach right about now. Several Smashers who overheard the commotion were about as curious as a litter of Nintendog puppies, but no matter who tried to approach him, Marth refused to open the door.
Granted, this wasn't the first time Marth had broken down into a puddle of tears. There had been several instances where Marth had cried, be it during his favorite soap operas, or during thunderstorms. He even cried at last year's New Year's party (that might have just been the alcohol though).
He was a good fighter, but everyone knew him to be a softy.
"So what was it you wanted to talk to me about, Palutena?" asked Peach before taking a sip of her freshly made tea.
Palutena looked down, hesitating as she tried to figure out how to word this. The two of them were sitting beneath the shade of a perky umbrella at a quaint little table that matched Peach's dress. This time of day was actually in the middle of Peach's teatime, but she didn't mind Palutena joining her for a little while. In fact, Peach quite enjoyed having company. Those biscuits certainly weren't going to eat themselves now were they?
"Something's been bothering me lately," replied Palutena, looking out at the sunny distance. "But I… don't really know how to put it."
What was she supposed to say, really? "I've been having these uncontrollable urges to fart and whenever I let it out, my butt erupts like Viridi dropped a Reset Bomb in a volcano."
Yeah, that'll go over real smooth.
"Oh dear, I know what the problem is," said Peach, putting down her teacup ever so gently. Palutena glanced at her curiously, noticing a worried look on her face. "You're thinking about quitting the tournament."
"What?" spat Palutena. "No, absolutely not!" Truthfully, she had no intention of resigning from the tournament, but now she was curious as to how Peach even arrived at that preposterous conclusion in the first place.
"Don't worry; it happens to the best of us," replied Peach calmly. "You don't have to hide anything from me, Palutena. We get newcomers every year who aren't sure of how well they're going to perform in the upcoming season. That's how we lost Roy, the Ice Climbers, and Snake as well." She reached across the table delicately and clasped Palutena's hand. "If you need to leave then please don't worry. I understand you completely."
Palutena pulled away from the princess awkwardly, earning a queer glance from Peach.
"I'm not quitting," said the goddess seriously. "And I'm holding my own in the tournament just fine thank you very much. Why just earlier today-"
She cut herself off, recalling how she ended up winning that ridiculous match against Diddy Kong. Peach noticed her hesitation, tilting her head to the side slightly out of concern.
"Hm?..."
"Ugh… Never mind," said Palutena. "That's not important right now." She took a deep breath, knowing full well where she had to take this conversation if she had any hope of putting a halt to this madness. "Listen. There's something going on right now with my body and it's really embarrassing. I'm going to try and explain this as best I can, but you have to promise not to laugh. Understand?"
Peach suddenly looked a lot more interested in the conversation, especially after hearing the words "body" and "embarrassing" strung together in the same sentence. This ought to be good.
"I promise," she said, putting up a hand as a sign of honesty.
"Okay then." Palutena paused. "So this morning I made lunch for Pit in the kitchen, and I accidentally threw one of Wario's garlic cloves in the food." Peach raised an eyebrow curiously, but the Goddess of Light ignored it. "I almost felt sick after that, but the pain went away after I… um… After I…"
Her cheeks began to flush with embarrassment, and she found it difficult to maintain eye contact with the pink princess across the tiny table. Peach had a feeling she knew what Palutena was trying to say, but there was no point in blurting it out. After all, if she ended up being way off on her guess, what would that say about her character?
"After you?..." responded Peach, leaning forward a little in anticipation.
"After I…" Palutena looked down in shame, but the next word coming out of her mouth was nothing less than a whisper. "Farted…"
"What was that?" asked Peach. She wasn't fooling around; she legitimately didn't hear what Palutena said since she mumbled it so quietly.
"Farted," repeated the goddess, a bit louder this time.
"I'm sorry?" Peach put a hand to her ear.
"I farted okay!" spat Palutena, shaking her head in frustration. "I ate the garlic and it gave me gas!" Maybe she was overthinking the situation, but she felt like she had to uphold a certain level of etiquette being in front of the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom. She may have been an all-powerful goddess, but that didn't mean that Palutena didn't have any sense of courtesy.
She was starting to sweat and she could feel the stress from the conversation causing a rupture somewhere "down there," but she fought it back with all her might without so much as giving a wince.
To her surprise, Princess Peach wasn't disgusted at all by her claim.
"Is that it?" she asked. "That's not that big of a deal." She looked off into the distance with a small smirk. "You make it sound like you've never passed gas before."
True, this wasn't the first time Palutena had let out a fart, but these series of farts have been much different from the normal ones that came and went from sentient beings. They were painful, putrid, and positively explosive! Certainly that wasn't something that any regular person would deem normal.
"You don't understand though," said Palutena desperately. "I can't control them at all." She felt her bowels churning without remorse. "They just keep coming back, the next one more powerful than the last. I think the garlic I found was the one Wario uses to transform into Wario Man."
"Don't be ridiculous," replied Peach, waving a delicate hand. "You probably changed something in your diet recently without realizing it. I heard that Wii Fit Trainer's yoga sessions will also do that to people."
It's a little known fact, but yoga has been proven to help excrete fecal matter from the anus.
"It's the garlic, I'm telling you," said Palutena. "I've only been feeling this way since lunchtime, and even Wario himself approached me earlier asking if I knew where the garlic was."
"Well did you tell him?"
"Of course not! Do you know what would happen if word got out that I can't stop farting?!"
"Shh," said Peach, lowering her head slightly and reminding Palutena that they were still technically sitting outside. "It's alright."
"Imagine me, the Goddess of Light," continued Palutena, looking away as sparkling tears glistened in her eyes, "banished from the Super Smash Brothers not because I am overly powerful, or overly beautiful, but because I keep having gas. It's an embarrassment to both mortals and immortals alike! How I call myself a goddess when I can't even control something as simple as my bowel movements?" She felt another kick to her large intestine, forcing her to grab her stomach as she strained herself to hold it all in. A silent whistle ended up escaping from her tightened cheeks, and to be frank, it felt like someone had shoved a Klaptrap up her butt. Peach's nostrils instantly picked up the spicy scent, giving her no choice but to pinch her nose in distaste.
"Oh my goodness!" she cried. "You weren't kidding!"
She pulled out a pink spray bottle and began disinfecting the immediate area around her tea set. Palutena's face continued to flash red with embarrassment as she watched Peach get up and spray down everything within a ten foot radius. The smell of fresh strawberries soon began to fill the atmosphere, but the air that circulated around Palutena's body still smelled a little weird.
"This calls for drastic measures," said Peach. "You wait right here!"
Peach scurried off back into her room, making sure to shut the sliding glass door behind her.
Palutena was still trying to hold it all in at this point, but the fact that she was now sitting out here by herself gave her all the more reason to just let it go. She spread her legs far apart, unleashing the foul beast that she had been trying so hard to contain this whole time. A monstrous odour of congested bodily fluids erupted from under her dress, sending a blast of wind and tiny particles that will not be named under the table and out into the open air. The sanitized area around the balcony was immediately consumed in a mass of green cloud, dispersing into the atmosphere like a child having diarrhea in a public swimming pool.
She was probably going to have to give her gown a wash-down after this.
Palutena leaned back in her seat and heaved a heavy (but very relieved) sigh. Her backside still stung a little, singed with the remains of whatever it was that escaped from her insides, but the sense of liberation was overwhelming nevertheless. She let out a small giggle before breaking out into a fit of laughter by herself in the middle of the balcony.
"Hm? What's so funny?" asked Peach as she emerged from the sanctity of her dorm room.
Palutena sat up straight and put her legs together, retaining that refined and ladylike look that everyone recognized her by.
"Oh, nothing," she replied. "I just feel a lot better now." She looked up, noticing Peach was wearing a white face mask (the kind that doctors use in hospitals when performing surgeries).
"This is just temporary until the air clears up," said Peach, producing a small perfume bottle from behind her back. "Anyway, this is for you." She handed Palutena the pink bottle, which had a fancy little nozzle on top. The bottle itself was in the shape of a rosebud.
"Perfume?" asked Palutena. She didn't really see where Peach was going with this, especially since she (among the rest of the female members of the Smash Bros. cast) already had a plentiful amount of personal perfume supplied by Master Hand. He mostly got those free from spectators during the tournament, but he sure as hell wasn't going to use them, and he certainly wasn't about to give them to Crazy Hand either unless he felt like burning the mansion to the ground.
"Not just any perfume," said Peach. "This is my own secret recipe, guaranteed to conquer even the most intrusive of smells. All I have to do is dab a bit of this on my neck, and Wario won't come anywhere close to me during the day. It's specifically designed to remove tough odors and replace them with something much more refreshing."
Oh Arceus, this is starting to sound like an air freshener commercial…
"I see…" replied Palutena, studying the vial in her hand. "So if I use this, it will get rid of the smell?"
"It should," said Peach. "I'm not saying that it will, but it should. In any case, you will eventually run out of gas. This perfume should make getting around the mansion a little easier for you, or at least until this problem finally blows over." She paused momentarily. "Pardon the pun."
Palutena smiled in response, examining the mysterious liquid in the bottle yet again. She was feeling much better about herself now, and it was reassuring to hear that there was a chance she could outlive this blasted farting situation by just enduring it a bit more. And if the Smashers ever suspected anything, she could just throw on some perfume and no one would be the wiser! It was the prefect crime, and hopefully by the end of the day she would feel back to her pure and righteous self without any worries besides the tournament and what she was going to make Pit for his next meal.
Little did she realize however, that Wario was still on the prowl looking for the garlic thief. And if there was one thing that the Smashers learned after living with Wario for so many years, it was to never come between him and his garlic.
For there was a reason why Wario treasured his garlic so much.
And it certainly didn't have anything to do with the taste.