Palutena's Farting Dilemma
Outside the mansion, Palutena was sitting on the ground miserably as hose water came dripping down her hair. Her accomplice, Olimar, whistled a familiar tune as he continued to spray her down, attempting to wash Princess Peach's perfume off of her.
"So let me get this straight," said Olimar. "You knowingly ingested Wario's forbidden garlic in order to help you perform better in the tournament?"
Palutena shook her head, water droplets raining down her sides. She continued to rest her head on her knees with her arms wrapped around her legs.
"It was an accident," she explained. "But the garlic power helped me defeat Diddy Kong in a match today." She sighed. "On the other hand, I made a mockery of myself in front of Captain Falcon and Game & Watch, and I probably scarred Marth for life this morning."
Olimar nodded his head, noticing a tap on his leg from one of his nearby Pikmin. Apparently, the smell of perfume on Palutena was long gone, and so he killed the water to let the sun's rays do its thing.
"Oh, I see," he said, but Palutena didn't budge from her spot. She sat there facing the garden, her back to him like a wall. "Well, on the positive side, the perfume is all gone now."
"So I'm back to square one then," she sighed. It was a shame really. The whole point of the perfume was to mask the smell of her farts, but it looked as though the new smell only gave her more problems than she needed. It seemed as though they were going to have to find another way out of this.
"Wait, did you say the garlic helped you beat Diddy Kong?" asked Olimar.
"Yeah…" It was the truth, but Palutena wasn't sure if she wanted to get into specific details about that brawl. Not only was she getting her butt handed to her, but the only reason she won was because she literally handed her butt over to Diddy Kong.
"Like, did he just faint from the mere smell?"
"Not exactly." Palutena twiddled her delicate thumbs. "He kind of got launched into the blast zone because the gas was so…explosive."
"You mean like a Wario Waft?"
"Yes."
"Hmm, interesting." The short man rubbed his hand to the bottom of his helmet. "By eating the garlic, you somehow managed to copy Wario's ability of creating explosive farts. Maybe that's where his power comes from?"
Whether Palutena wanted to believe it or not she wasn't really concerned with. Wario had always been known as a mischievous character, and quite frankly she never wanted to have anything to do with him since she met him. He was rude, gross, and worst of all he stank like he had been cleaning sewer pipes all day. Was it possible that his signature attack came from the very pores of his sacred garlic cloves?
"I wouldn't be surprised," said Palutena. "If there's one thing I know about Wario, it's that he loves his garlic."
"Your farts come and go about as often as his does too, right?" Olimar caught himself at the end that sentence, not really sure if it was appropriate to use such an inappropriate word around a goddess. Palutena's reluctant look told him otherwise. "If I had to guess, I'd say that the garlic is the source of Wario's power. That explains why he eats one whenever he transforms into Wario Man!"
It was common knowledge among the Smashers that Wario had this strange ability to become super-fast and strong all by eating his sacred garlic. With the help of a Smash Ball, his power goes through the roof, and he's capable of levelling the entire Wrecking Crew stage by letting loose his own farts. It was a really nasty attack, but no one in the mansion ever questioned it because it's Wario.
"Well how do I get rid of it?" Palutena whined. "I can't live the rest of my life like this. I'd have to leave Skyworld." She gasped. "I'd have to abandon Pit and Dark Pit, and live my life as a hermit among the mushrooms of some far away swamp." She could see it now, Palutena, the once beautiful Goddess of Light, now reduced to nothing but a shriveled old woman in a green bubble of noxious gas. She had no friends, and anything she touched withered away almost instantaneously. Occasionally her beloved angel Pit would show up and drop off a basket of baked goods, but he'd have to leave them several yards away from her hole-in-the-ground home in order to avoid suffocation. At least the cookies were nice. "Oh what am I going to doooo!?" Palutena threw her arms up and began to cry.
"Hey, take it easy!" replied Olimar, covering himself from the raining tears. "Your farts aren't that bad."
"That's easy for you to say," sniffled Palutena. "You have a space suit on." She wiped her tears away, but her depression remained. "Maybe I should just quit Super Smash Bros." She closed her eyes. "No one wants to play with a goddess that farts all the time."
She sunk her head and began to contemplate on what she should do. There were various options floating around in her head at this point, all of which involved retiring in one way or another. She simply couldn't bear to be around her friends in this condition, let alone with herself.
Olimar tried to think of something to cheer her up, but ultimately the only thing that would make her happy is getting rid of this problem once and for all.
"Maybe you should talk to Wario," he said, while the few Pikmin that were nearby nodded their heads in agreement.
"No," replied Palutena adamantly. "I can't do that. If he finds out that I ate his garlic, I'll never be able to live it down! Everyone will know how much of a mockery I am!"
"Like they haven't yet? Look, you can't run away from your problems forever. So why don't you go to the source? And who cares what Wario thinks? What's he going to do, sit on you? You're the Goddess of Light for crying out loud! If anything, he should be scared of you for tarnishing your pure reputation!"
Palutena blinked, her gaze falling onto Olimar who had his little fists clenched with determination. He was right, and she knew in her heart that no matter how much she hated it, eventually she was going to have to come clean. Farting problem or no farting problem, being a coward was never the right thing to do.
"But what if…" she sniffled. "What if they make fun of me?"
He clasped her hand.
"Then I'll be right there getting laughed at with you," Olimar responded, staring into her eyes. "If they can't accept you for who you are then that's their problem—not yours."
His encouraging words struck her deeply. Palutena couldn't be thankful enough for having a friend as caring as Olimar. She never would have guessed before this whole farting thing that she would ever have this kind of relationship with anyone, let alone a man barely as high as her own waist. As much as she hated what she had become, she felt comfort in knowing that there was finally someone there for her to lean on. She almost wanted to cry again.
"You'd really do that for me, Olimar?" she asked.
"Anything to help a friend," he replied. "That's what friends are for, aren't they?"
She squeezed him into a big hug.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" she cried. "You are such an angel!"
"Ergh, Palutena, can you—" but the rest of his speech was cut off as he was buried in between her breasts.
"Ah, sorry," she replied, blushing slight. She quickly released him from her womanly grasp, leaving the small man to sputter in a daze as cartoonish hearts floated around his head. "Got a little carried away there."
"No, no, it's alright," said Olimar, snapping himself out of it. "Ahem. Um, so you want to go find Wario and settle this thing once and for all?"
"Yes," she said truthfully. "I can't avoid it any longer. It's like with every person I run in to, I only end up making a fool of myself. I still feel bad for Marth after what happened to him this morning…"
"You can apologize later. Right now, we need to figure out how to get rid of your gas, and Wario is our only hope. We can go find him after you dry off completely."
"Oh, there's no need." Palutena looked up at the sun, the rays drying her hair and clothes off in a matter of seconds. "That's one of the perks of being a goddess."
"You couldn't have just done that sooner?"
She stuck her tongue at him. "Come on, silly."
Palutena got up and headed back towards the mansion, Olimar tailing closely behind. Some of his Pikmin took that as their cue to follow him, but he quickly dismissed them seeing as how they probably wouldn't be needed for this. They eventually made their way out of the garden, past the patio, through the hedge maze, and onto the stone steps of the mansion.
"So what are you going to say to him?" asked Olimar, although he already knew the answer.
"I'm going to say, 'Wario, tell me how to get rid of these stupid farts,'" she replied.
"And what are you going to do if he declines?"
"I'm going to give him a taste of his own medicine. Err, not like that I mean. I'll probably kick him in the shin or something."
"That should do it," said Olimar cheerfully. "Let's do this."
Palutena reached for the double doors, preparing to open them with swift force. She could see herself storming through the mansion corridors, bypassing each and every Smasher along the way, stomping up to the greasy Italian man himself and shoving her foot in his mouth. It was time to be mean, serious, and most importantly fabulous while doing so.
As she opened the doors, the PA system wired throughout the mansion grounds had sprung to life. It was common for Master Hand to use this as a means to make important announcements, and sometimes Crazy Hand would even take charge on the off-chance he escaped from his cage. As expected, Master Hand's voice came booming all over the mansion. Unfortunately, he wasn't here to announce any of his daily Smash News.
"This is a message for Lady Palutena," he said. His tone didn't sound very impressed either. "Please come down to my office immediately. Again, Lady Palutena, please meet me in my office. Immediately."
The microphone cut off and all of a sudden Palutena felt her determination wither away in an instant. And just when she thought this day couldn't get any worse…