Chapter 8- It Wasn't Real

Apparently Charlie did have a surprise for me. He was a wizard! He said he got a letter from Professor Dumbledore saying that he had traces of magic in his blood. He started training with two prestigious aurors to learn the first six years of schooling that he had missed. But how could this be possible? If Charlie was magical then why didn't he get a letter when I did at age eleven? It doesn't really make any sense. This was all overwhelming, but it was only part of the surprise. The aurors training Charlie were none other than Henry and Charlotte Potter. They were James' parents! I was so caught up in my excitement that Charlie was a wizard that it didn't even matter that it didn't make sense. I didn't take the time to think about it really.

We said quick goodbyes to our friends. The portkey that Charlie had brought was about to activate itself and leave us behind. James, Sirius, Charlie, and I all grabbed a hold of the parchment and seconds later we were landing in the floor of a nice, warm looking house.

"Home sweet home." James said.

"Couldn't have said it better myself Prongs." Sirius said.

We all got to our feet and dusted off.

"I'm off to find mum and dad." Sirius said.

Everyone started to follow Sirius as he walked out of the room, but I didn't move. James turned around and noticed that I was staying behind.

"Lily? What's wrong? Do you need help with your trunk?" James asked.

"Er, James, I've never met your parents before." I said.

"Oh, I see what this is about." James said sitting down on my trunk and watching me.

"Well, what if they don't like me? What if I do something stupid?" I said.

I was so scared. I had heard about James' parents from Leah. She said that they were very important, prominent people in the wizarding world. What if I made a complete fool of myself? What if they reject me because I am muggle born and they are all pure blooded?

"Lily, listen to me, my parents will love you. They probably know all about you anyways, and I know they were looking forward to meeting you. Don't worry about anything. I'll be right beside you ok?" James said.

James kissed my hand and held it as he led me out of the room and down a very long hall way into another room. When we walked in, I saw Charlie and Sirius sitting on a couch together and two people who must be James' parents on the opposite couch. James' parents got up as we approached them.

"Oh Lily, I've heard so much about you!" James' mother said as she hugged me.

His mother actually hugged me! I was shocked. I must have looked shocked as well because Sirius was laughing and James smirked at me.

"It's nice to meet you Mrs. Potter." I said.

"Oh Lily, call me Charlotte, I insist." She said.

"Lily, this is my dad." James said.

"It's nice to meet you Lily. Call me Henry." James' father said as he shook my hand and smiled warmly at me.

"It's so great to finally meet you Lily. I've heard so much about you. It seems that you're all James ever talks about in his letters." Charlotte said.

"Mum!" James said.

Sirius and Henry started to laugh at James who was blushing like there was no tomorrow.

"Am I missing something?" Charlie asked with a confused look on his face.

"Guess James didn't want his girlfriend to know he just gushes about her to mum and dad." Sirius said as he laughed.

Charlie instantly lost color in his face.

"Girlfriend?" He muttered as he shot an angry look my way.

"Would you excuse Lily and me? I'd really like the chance to catch up with my sister for a bit." Charlie said politely.

"Of course Charlie, there's no need to ask." Charlotte said.

"Charlie, that's a bit rude you know." I thought to Charlie.

"Lils, we're going to talk, now!" Charlie thought.

I followed him out quickly. We walked up several staircases and down many halls. The whole time Charlie was quiet. We reached his room and he shut the door quickly.

"Sit." He said.

"Charlie, would you calm down?" I said.

"Calm down? How could you not tell me Lillian! We tell each other everything! How could you keep this from me? To think that some guy has been doing who knows what to you and I couldn't protect you or anything… "I interrupted Charlie.

"Stop it." I said.

"What?" He asked startled that I had interrupted him.

Usually I let him just ramble on until he calms down and apologizes to me profusely for getting upset.

"Stop calling me Lillian, you sound like mother." I said.

Charlie's stern face fell immediately and was replaced with pity.

"I'm sorry Lils." Charlie said.

"Don't be." I said sitting down on his bed.

It was quiet for a few minutes as neither one of us spoke. Then Charlie sat down beside me and held my hand. I started to cry as I thought about mother and her stupid plan for me. Charlie pulled me into a hug and started to rub my back as he comforted me.

"Oh Lils, don't cry." Charlie said.

"Why can't I just grow up and live with you forever?" I asked.

Charlie chuckled and pulled back looking at my face and smiling.

"As much as it would make all my dreams come true, I don't think that James would like it very much. Now I understand why he was glaring at me when we pulled the whole 'secret lovers' thing back at the station." Charlie said.

I laughed suddenly remembering it.

"There's that beautiful smile." Charlie said.

"Sorry I didn't tell you about him." I said.

Charlie nodded.

"Want to tell me everything now?" Charlie asked.

So I told him everything that happened starting with Amos and the plan that evolved. I told him about my conversations with Remus and everything that has happened since.

"That's interesting Lils. Remus sounds pretty clever. I think he knows more about what's going on then you do." Charlie said.

"Remus is clever, and it is so annoying." I laughed.

"But what do you mean he knows more than me?" I asked.

The door opened and Sirius and James came in. Sirius ran and jumped on the bed as James stood in the doorway looking cautious.

"Nice room Charlie. I'm just across the hall and James is on the left." Sirius said.

James eyes got wide and he glared at Sirius for telling Charlie where his room was. Charlie sighed.

"Come in James. I'm not going to kill you yet." Charlie said.

James came in and stood in front of Charlie. They stared at each other before Charlie shook James' hand. I rolled my eyes, boys and their stupid ways.

"Everything is good?" James asked me.

Apparently he could tell that I had been crying.

"Great." I said.

James sighed.

"That's good because I really wasn't looking forward to death at such a young age." James said.

Everyone started laughing. This was definitely going to be an interesting Christmas.

Charlie got along well with Sirius and James. All of them were running around the house and constantly wrecking havoc. One time I was looking for a book in the library when a whole row of books fell off on top me. I could hear hushed laughter as I got aggravated. The three of them were either jinxing everything in sight or were locked up in a room for long periods of time. When it was quiet, I got really worried. Who knew what they were planning? Several nights after our arrival at the Potter Manor, I was with James in his room lying on his bed, just talking.

"Lily, can I ask you something?" James asked.

"Sure, what is it?" I asked.

"Are you disappointed that I was your first kiss?" James said.

I wasn't really expecting that question.

"Honestly, I hadn't realized it. I mean, I knew, but I just hadn't put it together I guess." I said.

"I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about a lot of things actually." James said.

"I'm not disappointed, but can I ask you a question?" I said.

"What?" He asked.

"Who was the girl that liked you? The one you were trying to get away from?" I asked.

James didn't say anything immediately. He looked from the ceiling to my face before looking back up.

"Did you know that Remus knew our plan? He knew that we weren't really dating." James said.

"Nice try James, why are you trying to change the subject?" I asked.

James ignored my last question.

"I was talking to him before break. More like confiding in him really, and then after I had rambled on for almost an hour he told me that he knew about our secret plan. I was telling him all of these…feelings I had. I had realized something pretty big you know?" James said.

"Why won't you tell me who it is?" I asked.

Why was he not even acknowledging me? I was beginning to get aggravated when James finally looked at me with a scared look on his face. He sighed and squeezed my hand.

"There was no girl Lily." He said.

"What?" I asked.

"I made it up." James said.

I sat up quickly. James sat up slowly and sighed.

"What do you mean you made it up? Why?" I asked.

"I kissed you that night in the hallway and I liked it." James said.

"So you wanted to use me?" I asked angrily.

"Lily, I'm not really sure why I did it. I just, I don't know, but I'm glad I did it." He said.

I was standing and yelling by this point.

"Well of course you are!" I yelled.

I started pacing the room. All of this was happening so fast. I was confused and angry at the same time. I think I was cursing in French! I looked up when James held my face in his hands. He looked so sincere and I think the only reason I didn't push him away was because I was so shocked.

"Lily, I want to be with you for real. I love you." James said.

I just stood there in shock. He loved me? My brain was having trouble processing everything. James grabbed my hands and held them as he watched me. Then I remembered his lie and anger coursed through me. I ripped my hands away and James had a hurt look on his face.

"What? How? No!" It was all I could manage to say.

James grabbed my hands again.

"Lily, I'm sorry. Please, just believe me." He said.

I jerked my hands away again.

"No! How could you do this to me? How could you use me and lie to me?" I screamed.

"Lily I'm not using you! I'm in love with you!" James shouted.

I started shaking my head. I was about to have some type of break down. I needed to get out of here.

"I need to leave." I swallowed.

I walked to the door and James stood in front of me.

"Lily, please." He said.

He was begging me. He was begging me not to leave. I was so confused.

"This was all just pretend!" I screamed.

James looked like he had just been stabbed in the chest. He stumbled to the side and I rushed out of the room slamming the door shut. When I was in the hall I stopped at the presence of a shocked looking Sirius Black. I quickly assessed that he had probably heard everything and so I quickly walked past him and into my own room.

I sat at my desk and held my head in my hands. James said that he had real feelings for me. He said that he loved me! I've never had anyone say that to me before. When James told me I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say and I still don't. James must be heartbroken. He tells me that he loves me and I just walk out on him? What kind of person does that? I felt terrible. At that moment the door opened and I turned around to face Sirius. He closed the door behind him as he walked in and sat on my bed facing me.

"So…" He said.

"So…" I said nervously.

"You and James are over then?" He asked.

"Sirius, you heard us in there." I said.

"So what if I did? You didn't answer my question." He said.

"We were never really going out. It was all a plan from the beginning, just pretend." I said.

Sirius snorted.

"I knew the plan." He said.

"Oh." I said.

"Lily, let me tell you something. I've know James for most of my life, and I know him better than anybody. So believe me when I tell you that James was never pretending with you." Sirius said.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm telling you that James wasn't lying when he said that he had feelings for you. He has for quite some time now. At least, he's had a particularly strong feeling for you for some time now." Sirius said lying back on the bed and folding his arms behind his head.

"I don't think you were pretending either." He added.

"What? How could you-"He cut me off.

"Here you go." He said tossing a black leather book at me.

"What's this?" I asked.

Sirius sat up and smirked at me.

"It's the answers to all of your questions." He said.

Before I could further inquire about the book Sirius got up and left the room with a simple 'goodnight'.

I opened the book and I recognized the handwriting that filled it to belong to James. It was his journal. I read a random entry from it.

Journal,

Last night the Marauders pranked the Slytherin's. It was bloody wicked! We snuck into the dorms and turned their hair maroon with a charm Mooney found in the library. Wormtail was supposed to be our lookout, but he tripped on a carpet and almost woke up everyone in the sixth year boy's dorm! We've already learned not to let him do any of the magic. 'He's almost useless' Padfoot says. Sometimes I agree with Padfoot. If we ever get caught, it's mostly because we cover for Wormtail. That's why Sirius and I have the record for the most detentions as third year students! We always cover up for Wormtail. A Marauder always looks out for their fellow Marauder. Padfoot reckons that we could beat the school record for most detentions because we've got a good head start. Wouldn't it be wicked if we got it by the time we're seventh years? The Marauder legacy will live on!

James

I flipped through third, fourth, fifth, and sixth years. I really only wanted to look at his more recent entries. I was surprised to see that James talked about me a lot, even before we started our 'plan'. I read the entry from the night it started.

Journal,

Quidditch practice was great today. I think we're going to win the cup again this year. I'll admit I was a little nervous when Riley Summers graduated. Thankfully we have Lily and she is the best chaser in the school. I'm only glad she's on my team. It wouldn't be too great to play against her. I don't think she realizes how competitive she is when she plays. And I thought Tiffany was bad. But there is more to Lily than Quidditch skills. She's beautiful and nice and funny and smart. I mean, she pranks us sometimes! Can you believe that? There is a girl that exists with a sense of humor. She is the perfect girl, except that I think she likes Matt McKinnon. I would have liked to take her to Hogsmeade when I heard Matt ask Tiffany about Lily after practice. I got mad and made the team run laps as I came back to the castle. I'll have to apologize tomorrow. I'm going to the kitchens to get something to eat.

………………

Man I am glad I decided to go to the kitchens! Mind you, I never made it there. I ran into Diggory and he was harassing Lily! So I stepped in and saved the day. It was very heroic if I do say so myself. Ha. Anyways we told that git, Diggory that Lily and I were together so he would bugger off. Then I kissed Lily in front of him. It was perfect. But, I got this weird feeling that I could be kissing Matt's girl, and I didn't like it. It made me jealous as hell. I wouldn't be able to stand seeing her with him. When I was looking at her, it was like I could picture her with me. When we got back to the common room I made up something about a stalker girl and that Lily and I should pretend to date so other people would leave us alone. It was pretty clever considering I thought it up in mere seconds. Lily agreed to it, so now we are (unofficially) officially dating. I am a genius.

James

So Sirius was right? James did like me before we started our plan. But that still doesn't make it ok to use someone. Reading that last entry frustrated me, but I read on. I found one from right before we left for Christmas. I was shocked after reading this entry.

Journal,

Christmas is in a week and everyone will be leaving in a few days. I'm ecstatic that Lily is coming with me. I don't think I would have survived a day without seeing her. I love kissing her and holding her hand and just being with her! But, you see, that's the problem. I'm falling in love with Lily. Everything is all just pretend to her, but I know that I'm not pretending. It hurts to know that what we have isn't real. That night in the hospital wing, when Lily woke up, I was so relieved. I was scared that she was going to die! What if I never got the chance to tell her how I feel about her? That was when I really knew that I loved Lily. That night with her was like, well, it was like we weren't pretending anymore. It's like I could tell by the way she looked at me. I was so scared to lose her, so, I've decided that I'm going to tell Lily that I love her over Christmas. I'm scared of what she will say. I would love to think that she would get excited and say that she feels the same, but I know Lily better than that. First she's going to get pissed at me. I know she'll feel betrayed and angry with me, I can't really blame her. I just hope that I can show her that I need her. I love her, and I don't think I can be without her.

James

I closed the book and looked out the window. It was still snowing and I realized it was almost midnight. It was almost Christmas Eve. I watched the snow fall for a little while, and then I remembered something that happened after I had got out of the hospital. James and I were sitting in the heads common room looking out the window and watching the snow fall, kind of like I was now. James told me that he loved winter because it made everything beautiful. When he said that, I started thinking about everything I felt when I was outside after reading my mother's letter.

"How can you think this is beauty when everything is dead?" I had asked him.

"No Lily, not dead. It's never dead. Look at the trees. They have no pretty blossoms or lush green leaves. They are bare. There's nothing to hide them or cover them up. They are showing everyone what they truly look like, what they really are. You can just feel their strength, you know? To be so…naked I guess, and to still stand so strong. I think that's beautiful. They are perfect and with the snow covering them with its whiteness, everything looks the same. Everything is united. It's not dead Lily, when the snow melts, everything grows back to what most people imagine as real beauty. But this, covered in the snow, is what I think beauty really is. They are in their true element." James had said.

It was so poetic like. It's like I understood James' heart. I had known this all along, but I had let pain and hatred blind me from what was real. I had smiled at James and he smiled back. I liked that about James, how he was so passionate about life. He treasured the simple things and he appreciated the beauty life possessed.

I'm not sure why, but I had this impulse to see James. I guessed everyone to be sleeping by now, but I quietly walked to James' room. As I entered the dark room and quietly closed the door, I walked over to James' bed. To my surprise, James was awake and staring at a spot above his bed. He glanced at me before he scooted over to make space for me. I sat on the edge of his bed and sat the book down.

"I thought I should return this to you." I whispered nervously.

He glanced at his journal before looking back to the ceiling.

"So that's where it got to." He said, still not looking at me.

I was getting aggravated that James wouldn't even look at me. I decided that I should just leave, as I stood up James reached out for my hand. I turned to find him looking into my eyes.

"Stay with me?" He whispered.

I obliged and lye down next to him. When I looked up I noticed what was keeping his attention earlier. He had charmed his canopy to reflect the night sky. There were so many stars, it was beautiful.

"Wow. This is amazing. Why didn't I see it before?" I whispered.

"It's only there at night." He whispered back.

"There's Sirius, Padfoot added that one a couple of years ago." James said.

I couldn't believe I was getting nervous talking to James. But, I guess I did have a few good reasons like: One- if someone found us it would look suspicious, two- James wasn't wearing anything but boxers, and three- James had told me he had loved me. I was thinking about this when James held my hand. We were silent for awhile and I started to get sleepy so I sat up to leave.

"Where are you going?" James asked.

"I'm tired." I said while yawning.

"Would you stay with me?" James asked.

I don't know if it was because I was so tired or because I trusted James immensely, but I lye back down next to him. James pulled me in towards him and I felt my heart speeding up as he wrapped his arms around me, holding me against him. I didn't say anything and closed my eyes while James just held me.

"Goodnight love." James whispered kissing my forehead.

I don't know if he wanted me to hear that or not but I did, and I couldn't help smiling a little.