Took me a little longer then expected to get this chapter polished off and posted, but as a bit of an apology I took extra precautions to make sure this chapter was nice and lengthy!….Why did that sound dirty? Oh well, humor makes my dreary little world go round!
That and reviews! *hint hint*
Enjoy the update guys you deserve it!
Note For Review's :
InuFan - Oh its coming alright! Thanks for the review!
Guest - Well the drama just keeps on coming hopefully your heart can take it! Thanks so much for the review enjoy the update!
JJ - Well….lol Only future updates can tell.
Sesshylovr - Thanks so much! Tissue?
Kouga's older woman - You and me both lol!
Leti0422 - You think you had it bad trying typing it! I hate Ayame! My fingers burned with every key stoke lol
WolfPrinceKouga - You know if I ever make a play list to go along side my stories that would definitely be on it! If you can believe it music really does inspire some scenes of my writing. As do your reviews! Really the way you detail them out about what specifically connects you as the reader. That. My friend is what gives me the motivation to keep on going! Cant say thank you enough! I just really hope you enjoy the update!
Naruto4Sakura - That is really what I like portraying! The angst and the longing! It just makes if feel more real to me when I'm writing. Maybe I have some deep rooted issues that I need to work on lol But as for now I just like taking it out on my two favorite characters. Ready to endure another update? Lets hope so!
Lil-faff - See you know my pain? I had to write that- that- urgh! I cant even talk about it! I loath Ayame and yet here I was fingers to the key board detailing 'it' out! Talk about torture! Oh well, worth it in the end to get some encouraging reviews like yours! Hopefully on the right track to get some more! Enjoy the update!
Guest - Well didn't know I had that many hidden admirers lol Wait no longer enjoy the update!
Lilly - Aw well cheer up because the update has arrived! Now to wait for the next one lol
WolfieTheDemon - That would have been horrible!…and epic. But, I'm cold like that.
Kat - Might I quote the great words of my idol? "What the duce?". As for your review I really do appreciate such support! If you can believe it I think I would keep going even if I got one review a chapter. Readers are just that important to me! So welcome to the family! Looking forward to more and I really hope you enjoy the knew chapter!
The-Infamous-two - Updated! Enjoy!
Eliza - Updated! Thanks so much!
Chapter Thirteen
Avoidance
There was a twisted kind of irony about how time could pass. When your happy days turned into weeks and weeks into months, all in the oh so brief blink of an eye.
But when you are miserable. The days could drag on and on in an almost endless cycle of depression.
Honestly, at this point Kouga didn't know how he was managing to keep his head above the water of his absolutely drowning agony.
Were it not for moments like this. Serene, quiet and above all else isolated moments standing here on the tallest of the tall cliff peaks. He was sure he wouldn't be able to strive onward.
The sky was a dull thickly clouded gray, early morning mist hovering over the stone under his feet filling his lungs with its damp presence.
Could this weather be more miserable?
Tiredly Kouga pinched the bridge of his nose with his index finger and thumb. Closing his eyes with a steady sigh.
So much for his motivation for the day.
He had hoped watching the rise of the sun would at least give him some sort of fuel to power through the next couple of hours until the tribe awoke.
But with a clouded murky atmosphere like this he would be lucky to even get a glimpse of sunlight.
He might as well had stayed in bed himself.
Kouga shoved the thought away with a groan of frustration.
That wasn't an option.
Especially since his cave was currently occupied by his 'adoring' mate.
Kouga knelt down defeated rocking his heavy weight back on his heels. Staring up at the darken sky with his sleep deprived azure eyes.
This game of sheer avoidance was beyond exhausting and honestly Kouga didn't know how much longer he could keep it up.
He hadn't spoken to Ayame more then necessary since she returned from the north several weeks ago. Epically after the night they had shared. The night when his longing completely over took him and made him temporarily lose his god damn mind!
He still couldn't think back to that tryst with Ayame without his entire being feeling like he was about to become physically ill.
Unfortunately, his auburn haired mate had nothing to do with his inner sickness.
No. All his revulsion was circled around one thing and one thing only.
Himself.
He was so absolutely disgusted with himself that he had actually been so overcome with his want and desire for Kagome he had envisioned her while with Ayame!
What kind of person did something like that?! Him apparently.
Kouga ran an edgy hand through his bound raven locks pushing his messed bangs from his slightly damp forehead.
What he wouldn't give for just one day of peace. A day when all these emotions, all these sickening feelings just dissipated into nothingness.
Falling in love with Kagome was by far the worst thing to ever happen to him! Look what the very absence of her was doing to him?
He couldn't think. He couldn't eat. He damn sure couldn't sleep.
He was left with nothing. Nothing, but the misery, and the endless longing.
That by now he was completely positive was eating a hole inside of him. A hole that right now was only being filled with his overwhelming sense of guilt.
And every single day. It just got worse and worse.
Kouga knew his limit far too well and he knew with an absolute certainty. He was all to close to reaching it.
"Trouble sleeping again?" A soft and attentively concerned voice asked while stepping through the morning fog.
Kouga sealed his azure eyes tight at the familiar sound.
"Something like that." He confessed before tiredly forcing himself to stand upright. His now narrowed orbs staring ahead to the darken rocky surroundings, in no hurry to turn and face the jade eyed demoness he knew was now standing in his shadow.
"You didn't come to bed last night." Ayame whispered closing the distance that separated her and her mate by laying her tired head on the back of his broad shoulder.
Kouga fought the urge to pull away as Ayame's thin arms coiled their way around his armor covered chest.
"I was caught up with the tribe. Lost track of time." Kouga partially lied. He had spent the better part of the night overseeing guard duties along the mountain side. But a few hours had been spent resting in the further unoccupied caves of the western paths.
"Kouga-" Ayame breathed worriedly.
"I know I've asked before-" She began, but before her hushed words could leave her parted lips Kouga broke her embrace to slowly turn and face her.
"I'm alright, Ayame." Kouga assured all to sternly. Knowing full well what his mate was about to ask.
Ayame met Kouga's azure eyes. Reluctantly she allowed her hand to reach up and cup his handsome face. His skin was thick and rough as it always had been, but his eyes were dulled and dark circles were beginning to develop underneath.
"You look so tired. Please? Let me call for the healer?" Ayame asked restlessly. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen Kouga like this. So disheveled and visibly drained.
Of course he had always run himself ragged during the ending winter season. There was plenty to be done among the tribe and territories. But, never had it been like this.
Kouga was breaking himself day after day and for very little reward. He was trying to take the responsibilities of the entire mountain onto his shoulders alone and she didn't understand why?
Adding insult to injury he was so devoted to the mountain and its task he had left little to no time for themselves.
The night she had returned from the north was the only time Kouga had touched her. Other than that she had to struggle even to spend a few fleeting moments in his company. Intimate or not.
Even now as she held him in her arms. He felt like his mind was a thousand miles away.
What had this winter done to the mate she once knew?
"Ayame. You shouldn't worry so much about me." Kouga said emotionlessly as he cupped her wrist in his hand to pull her grip away.
Hesitantly she allowed him to do so. Her jade eyes falling to the stone floor of the cliff they stood upon dejectedly.
Kouga could see the effect his refusal had on Ayame's visibly hurt form but he couldn't find the words to comfort her.
There was nothing he could say that would do either of them any good.
He didn't know what was worse watching Ayame take his rejection time after time silently or knowing that soon enough he would have to sever what little connection they had entirely.
He might not have touched Ayame since her return from the north but that didn't mean he had worked up the nerve to confess his betrayals as of yet.
The timing wasn't right. Especially with Roiyaru and his men still residing inside the mountain. Their presences would just add unwanted tension.
Which is why Kouga had decided to wait until after they chose to leave in order to finally confess to Ayame. Entirely.
But the pained look of helplessness in Ayame's eyes made his decision falter. He might have to admit to his transgressions, sooner rather than later.
"Kouga." A familiar voice carried towards the duo catching both demons off guard.
Kouga peered across the flatten rock surface to watch as Ginta began to step through.
As grateful as Kouga was for the interruption Ginta wasn't exactly the company he currently wished to be present with.
"What is it?" Kouga asked sharply.
"Roiyaru, and the others have decided to depart." Ginta announced formally as he had been directed to do so.
"So soon?" Ayame asked surprised by this sudden news. Her former tribesmen had told her nothing of their intent to leave.
Kouga could see her disbelief and decided to shift this opportunity into her favor. She clearly wasn't ready for them to leave and honestly, Kouga didn't think he was either.
"Go. Talk with them." Kouga permitted with an understanding nod that Ayame took gratefully before trudging forward towards the path that would lead her back down the mountain.
Ginta waited until his alpha was out of sight before he turned back towards Kouga who in all honesty he had intended to speak with all along before being told to carry this little message with him.
"Kouga-" Ginta began nervously.
"Whatever you're going to say save it." Kouga cut him off all to abruptly.
Ginta's expression shifted from concerned to intimidated almost instantly. Adding to his edginess Kouga stormed forward passing the visibly smaller framed wolf demon all to swiftly.
He thought that was the end of this conversation entirely before roughly over the azure eyed wolf demons broad shoulder he shouted one final command.
"Get Hakkaku. I need to talk to you two." Kouga demanded before vanishing down the cliff side pathway.
Careful to go the exact oppsite direction his mate had taken.
The high noon air wafted with the thick sweet scent of flowers and rich freshly charred foods. Dazed and smiling for the first time in what felt like ages Kagome walked along the busy streets of the sun bathed village.
Watching through gleaming hazel eyes she took in the wonderful sight unfolding before her. Dozens of villagers scattered amongst the center utmost part of the village each carrying either wildly colorful banners or plates of freshly made treats. Any others held decretive bouquets of wild flowers or silken kimonos.
Each person having an assigned job and eager to see it fulfilled for tonight's highly anticipated celebration.
Spring was here and so was the annual cherry blossoms festival.
A time to dance and celebrate with family and loved ones. To dress in fine silks and eat delicious foods that were so seldom to acquire.
Amongst so much organized chaos it was easy to lose ones self and forget the misery and tears that had led to such a wonderful occasion.
Usually the village would never be able to afford such luxury but thanks to Kagome's recent determination in sanitizing the land from pestering demons.
The local wealthy lords of the surrounding villages had compensated the priestess beyond generously for her unintentional relentless work. Which of course she had distributed amongst the village evenly.
Kagome knew the only reason she had sought purity so badly was due to all she had and still suffered from internally. But, having something like this to finally distract her. It was such a relief. Even if it was only temporarily.
Bringing the absent minded priestess back to reality she felt a twin pair of small but familiar hands begin to tug at the loosen fabric of her red priestess kimono attire.
Kagome peered down at her waist where the exuberant faces of Mi and Sa beamed up at her.
Though their usual slightly worn matching kimonos were replaced with bright lavender and rose colored silks wrapped decoratively around their miniature figures.
"Mi! Sa! You two look adorable." Kagome smiled brightly kneeling down to meet her adoptive nieces at eye level.
"Mommy got these for us! Aren't they pretty?" Mi asked atheistically twirling her sandal covered feet to spin in a compete circle.
"They are. I especially love your obi's." Kagome said sweetly tugging at both girls decorative covered waist and matching hair bows.
"Aunt Kagome. Where's your kimono?" Sa asked tugging at Kagome's dinged white sleeve.
Kagome would never take offense to the duo's curiosity but it had been made apparent after seeing all the festivities paid for she would be perhaps the only one in the village tonight who hadn't thought to cater to herself.
She honestly hadn't seen the need. Inuyasha had yet to return from the north so what purpose was there for her to put real effort into her appearance?
Then again if she was really honest with herself she would be lying if she didn't admit some small part of her missed the more feminine tendencies the harden life of a priestess had replaced.
"I didn't get one." Kagome replied softly, almost apologetically.
"But why?" Mi asked sadness laced through her youthful tone.
Kagome hesitated for a response. What reason could she gently give the two of them?
Luckily a feminine tone interrupted the trio before she could muster a reply.
"Mi? Sa? Are you bothering Kagome?" Sango asked in a disapproving tone from behind Kagome's still kneeling form.
"No their fine." Kagome reassured while climbing back to her feet and meeting Sango's soften expression and drastically altered appearance.
Sango's usually low bound chocolate colored hair was now decoratively spun and braided up in high rise slightly messy bun letting her sleek long locks cascade down to her new and unfamiliar kimono.
Thick rose colored fabric embroidered with golden designs of flowers and storks along the sleeve and lower robe boarder.
She looked absolutely beautiful.
Though apparently the recently transformed demon slayer didn't pay much attention to Kagome's lingering gaze her attention far to fixated on the twin set of eyes locked onto her own.
"Girls. I know Kaede asked for your help. Shouldn't you two be on your way to find her?" Sango asked sternly.
"Yes mommy!" Mi and Sa chimed in unison oblivious to their mothers stricken tone as they usually were. Both turned their narrowly held attention back to the still silently standing priestess.
"Bye Aunt Kagome!" They smiled together while both spinning in the opposite direction of their glaring parent.
Kagome waved at their sprinting backs as she watched them disappear ahead in the direction of the elder priestesses hut.
Sango stepped to her best friends side with a heavy sigh. Those two always had a way of wearing her out with the least amount of effort possible.
"You three all look so beautiful." Kagome smiled turning to face her beautiful but clearly exhausted companion.
"Thank you. We'll be lucky if it last the night." Sango huffed lowly. Knowing her girls it wouldn't be to long before one or both of them were coated in mud, food or a combination of the two.
Kagome couldn't help but giggle under her breath. Sango knew her daughters all to well.
"You haven't dressed yet?" Sango asked slightly surprised to see her friend who usually adored these types of feminine habits still dressed in her worn priestess attire.
"Oh-" Kagome hesitated for a response. Sango wouldn't be so easy to deter as her daughters.
"I've been pre-occupied." Kagome said faintly. It wasn't a complete deception. Just a small piece of the truth.
Sango seemed to believe her masked avoidance of the question.
"Better hurry you don't want to miss all the fun." The demon slayer insisted with a caring smile already marching ahead to see if her daughters had followed through with her light command. Most likely they hadn't.
Kagome watched her go with a solemn look of reluctance. Sango might have had her hands full with Miroku's absence and her rambunctious family but even now she would happily trade the demon slayer places.
At least she knew who she was. She was a mother, and provider, and a wife.
Standing here now Kagome couldn't help but wonder would she ever get to that place of gravity? To be happy in her solid place and not constantly being pulled away by the lingering regrets and confusions still seeded inside her.
Such a thing didn't seem possible. Especially for her.
But at least for now. She could still hope.
Birds sung overhead, their light chiming whistles causing the rich tree canopy of the blossoming forest trees above to hum softly.
Kouga's pointed ears perked at the lasting sound, his bare feet stepping on top of the lush grass brushing against his heels. His azure eyes reflecting inhumanly brightly with the invading rays of the beaming sunlight piercing through the looming greenery.
How odd of a realization was it that the dreary weather he had braced himself to endure, had all but melted away the further he had run from the mountains peaks.
Being down in the valley it almost gave him a sense of relief. A feeling to be honest he thought he would never feel even partially again.
But this half way blissful avoidance of the constant troubles that plagued him internally couldn't be avoided altogether unfortunately.
Mixing with the non musical songs of the birds and wildlife hidden around the thick forest trees and shrubs hushed words and careful mumbles could be heard mixing with the nature like melody.
All stemming from the duo Kouga had decided to bring along for his trip down the mountain side.
Not even bothering to peer over his broad fur armored covered shoulder his right and left hands men could be heard almost as clear as day, even if they were really trying to mask their conversation.
"Do you think its right to ask him?" Hakkaku murmured
"Maybe. He did ask us down here after all-" Ginta responded lowly.
Kouga felt his jaw clench in rising frustration. He had intended the three of them to hunt and hopefully bring back some better game then as of late. Not chatter like woman behind his back.
Though they seemed generally fearful of approaching him in actual conversation. They really weren't masters in the art of concealing their lingering curiosities.
"You do I know I can hear you both. Right?" Kouga growled over his shoulder catching his otherwise focused comrades off guard.
Their whispers instantly stopped and even before turning to face them he could all but feel their nervous eyes fixed on his back intensely.
Kouga didn't have the energy to hold back his suddenly flaring aggravation.
"If you two have something to say? Then out with it!" He demanded coldly.
Ginta swallowed hard at the sudden dismantlement of the almost tranquil state of the forest. The flapping of the once happily singing birds above replacing their wordless song with the hurriedly and fearful stretch of their wings as they took flight.
Both Ginta and Hakkku knew their leader, maybe better then anyone else ever could. And with that knowledge they knew full well the difference when he was generally angry, or otherwise agitated.
For now he seemed to be weighing on the side of manageably tolerant.
"What's the point?" The coal eyed colored wolf demon asked huffily.
"You'll only ignore us." Hakkaku finished a small trace of pouting being heard in his disappointed tone.
"Or tell us to shut up." Ginta added dryly.
"Only if you two ask something stupid. Again." Kouga corrected.
He halfway expected his most trusted tribesmen to protest or look insulted as they often did when he was bitter or callus towards them. But surprisingly this time, they looked almost accepting. Defeated.
Like they had accepted his harden behavior for the first time in a very, very long time.
Kouga hesitated his brows arching in rising disbelief.
Had he really been so distant from them both that they were actually done trying to pry into his thoughts and boundaries? Any other time Kouga would have been beyond relief to realize something like this. That his privacy would actually but just that. His, for once.
But it wasn't the triumph victory he had envisioned. It actually brought a new developing problem to the surface.
Sure he was being distant from Ayame, for hundreds of reasons he wouldn't begin to describe. But, not being barraged with intrusive questions or heightened curiosity from the two men who personally knew him best.
It was…uncomfortable.
Were they really this tired of trying to get inside his head? This tired of trying to pry into things Kouga honestly would have rather forgotten.
It didn't seem like them. At all.
Angrily Kouga ran a calloused hand through his raven locks. Like he didn't have enough to deal with already, his right and left hand men were adding on an even heavier layer of guilt.
Would this ever stop?
With a hard sigh Kouga cupped the back of his thick neck. His harden stare falling towards the emerald colored grass at his feet.
"Look-" He breathed wearily.
"I know I've been hard on you two. More than usual-" Kouga hesitated peering up to catch and unwanted eye full of his comrades suddenly gleaming hopeful eyes.
They looked like they were about to cry. Which uncomfortably Kouga knew they were fully capable of.
Rolling his harden azure eyes he turned away staring up towards the piercing rays of light breaking through the swaying tree leaves carpeting overhead.
"Things are complicated." He stated firmly.
Kouga would have been lying if he didn't admit a small part of him actually wanted to allow his silent burden to be appeased by letting just a few of the heavy secrets he held inside out.
But it wasn't about what he wanted or didn't want. It was all about what was truly best.
And as selfish as it might have sounded. Having Ginta and Hakkau know the truth about the betrayals he had committed wouldn't benefit anyone.
He trusted the two of them with his life and of course his darkest secrets. But, placing them in the middle of this situation was wrong.
He was their leader. But, Ayame was their alpha. He would never make them struggle with the weight of their duties/responsibilities in such a way.
"We know that! What we don't know is why?" Hakkaku asked sharply and surprisingly unfearful.
"Every since you came home. You've been a completely different person." Ginta said boldly stepping forward to make sure the brazenness of his words reached his silently staring leader.
"You don't eat. You don't sleep. You wont speak to anyone! Not even Ayame! All you do is run yourself into the ground day in and day out!" Hakkaku barked his words fueled by both confusion and clear concern.
"You use to trust us Kouga-" Ginta added his harden tone breaking temporarily.
"And now-" Hakkaku whispered peering to his right where Ginta shared his equally dishearten look of hurt.
Kouga shook his head silently from side to side. Why were the two of them doing this!? He was trying to keep them out of the war path he might have started. Yet here they were practically begging to be pulled in!
He didn't want them involved. Especially in this.
But it was painfully clear the two of them weren't near ready to let this go. But, he wasn't willing to let them in. Not fully at least.
He couldn't avoid this anymore. The time was finally here to at least partially lessen the load on his shoulders, even if it was as vague as possible.
"Over the winter." Kouga breathed not daring to stare in his most trusted comrades directions.
He took a steadying breath to reassure himself unwanted images of snow and porcelain skin and hazel eyes flashing across his vision.
"I did something." He whispered so lowly that even Ginta and Hakkaku with their demonic heighten hearing had to struggle to understand him.
"Something…wrong." Kouga hushed, the words in all truth had been right but they tasted like a lie. And he knew exactly why.
His actions had been wrong in every meaning of the word. But he didn't regret a single one of them. He couldn't. He had followed through with what his mind, body and deepest part of soul had wanted. What he still wanted.
"Kouga-" Hakkaku began steadily.
"Whatever it is. You can tell us. We're your friends. We want to help." Ginta reassured in a more rational tone then Kouga thought him capable of.
"You cant help this." Kouga said bluntly.
Hard as it might have sounded it was the truth. This situation, what he was going through. It wasn't something fixable. It had managed to be avoided until now, but that wouldn't last forever.
Sooner rather then later the truth all of it would come out. And the damage would be catastrophic. Something like this, something so deep and painful couldn't be aided. In any way.
"What happened. What I did. It's bigger then both of you." Kouga whispered.
He words couldn't have been more sincere and that was something Ginta and Hakkaku could feel.
Plenty of things upset Kouga. Made him angry, or annoyed. But there were few, very few things that made him at like this. Made him look like this, legitimately worried.
Seeing him like this right at this very moment the wolf they were staring at. One thing was beyond certain. Whatever had happened to their leader over the past season. Good bad or down right terrible, it had been devastating. And it was clearly not over.
Silently Ginta and Hakkua shared a look of mutual understanding. It was obvious Kouga wasn't letting them in more then he already had, but it had been enough to reassure them that whatever decisions Kouga was making wasn't for selfish reasons.
He was trying to protect them.
Breathing deeply Hakkaku nodded towards Ginta gesturing towards him to verbalize what they were both clearly thinking.
"Kouga." Ginta began steadily.
"Whatever happened, or is happening. It cant go on much longer." He said worriedly.
"If you wont let us help. Then at least try and make it better. Whatever is beating you down like this-" Hakkaku added warmly.
"You have to face it."
Kouga looked over to his companions behind an emotionless mask. The two of them were immature, pushy, and down right intrusive.
But they had their rare moments like this, when at times they actually had knowledge and drive that Kouga had come to admire.
Peering up the brighten mid day sky Kouga contemplated his choices. Nothing would get better from this point, if anything they would get far worse.
But it was darkest just before the dawn, and inside Kouga wanted nothing more then to chase away the shadows that had rooted themselves inside him.
But there was only one way he knew how to do it.
Bright and more hopeful then he had felt in what seemed like years Kouga turned towards his men.
"I'll need your help." He said firmly but the lingering question inside his statement could be heard.
Ginta and Hakkaku shared a brief look at one another. They had asked to help and that is exactly what they were receiving a chance to do.
They didn't care what their leader asked of them from this point on. They would follow him full force driven on by the undying loyalty and devotion they had always held him.
Not just as their leader, but as their closet friend.
The low constant thumping of near by drums vibrated the weathered hut walls and aged flooring until it was all but pulsating with the hard increasing beat.
Rich and steadily rising music of flutes and shamisens beginning to gradually build into a joyous melody that made the soul inhabitant of the reverberating house like construction smile hollowly.
The aura around the village all but radiated loving carelessness and enjoyment. It was a rare and slightly uncommon thing to feel indeed.
Kagome's only regret was she couldn't fully embrace such a wonderful change from her usual gloomy and restricting surroundings.
What she wouldn't give or trade to be apart of something so special. But sadly she didn't see that vague possibility in her near future.
After all every inhabitant of the village was taking this time to forget their worries and celebrate the time and relief they had been given from the harshness of winter.
Dressed in beautifully decorated kimonos and living life they way it always should have been enjoyed. But, sadly Kagome wasn't one of those lucky souls.
She sat there quiet and alone in the confines of her home staring blankly into the swirling blues and oranges of the small dying fire before her.
It was so loud and at the exact same time so quiet inside her void like state.
She wanted to forget the past season much like every other person who had survived it. But, brutally she knew she would never be able to do so.
Things had happened in the bitter snow she couldn't force herself to not relive time and time again. She had hoped that this, this temporary break from reality would help her maybe ease some of the hurt still lingering inside her.
But it hadn't. She hadn't given it the chance too.
She wanted to be out there. Amongst her friends and loved ones, dancing to the lovely beat of the thumping music, eating the rich food that had been so generously provided. Maybe even pretend that this wasn't just a one time thing and her life could be partially happy once again.
Though no matter how badly she hoped or wished. It wasn't going to come true.
She didn't deserve to celebrate. To release her plaguing thoughts. They were the only things that kept her grounded, kept her knowing what she had done and exactly what she would have to one day atone for.
Kagome pulled her knees to her chest tightly staring into the almost non existent flame before her.
She missed Inuyasha. She wanted to see him, hear his voice and stare into the deep amber eyes. Though more then that, she wanted to confess to him. Lay every sorted thing she had done at his feet and pray that maybe in some small way he could even consider forgiving her.
Even if he did, doubtful as it might seem. What was next for the two of them? The void she had torn between them couldn't be healed quickly. It would take time, devotion. Total devotion. And that thought scared her.
Inuyasha had made his intentions clear the night had departed the village. That he wanted their 'relationship' to move slowly. Or maybe not even at all in the physical sense.
It was that type of rejection that had led her into the arms of another. Someone even now, as shameful as it was to admit, she missed just as greatly as the half demon himself.
Over the past few months and Kouga long absence she had day and night to think and partially sort out her conflicting emotions and in that brief time she had only made a small amount of progress.
Even now she didn't know what she felt towards Kouga. Or Inuyasha.
She loved Inuyasha of course, she always had and undoubtedly always would. But, how could she have betrayed the absent half demon if she had thought herself devoted him alone?
That was one of the hundreds of questions Kagome had imagined inside herself and of course had yet to reach an answer.
She wasn't the type of person who would give herself to anyone. She never had before.
But being with Kouga as morally wrong as it had been. She couldn't lie to herself that one thing always came back clear as day, despite all the hesitation and confusion.
She did feel something for him. Something deep.
She just wasn't sure what it was.
Kagome sighed heavily. She didn't want to think about these things anymore. They usually only led her to one place. Deep depression.
Then again maybe that is where she wanted to be. She after all was intentionally avoiding the one event currently raging on outside her hut walls that might bring just a piece of relief into her darken state.
Kagome's hazel eyes narrowed with confliction. She didn't know what she wanted or didn't want. She just wished all of it would fade away, somewhere far far away.
Unfortunately though, fate seemed to have other plans.
"Kagome-" Sango's happily optimistic voice chimed over the threshold of Kagome's hut as she entered the small confines directly.
Kagome instantly straightened her defeated posture in surprise meeting her friends still beautifully enhanced appearance with an astonished stare.
"Sango? What are you doing here?" Kagome asked oddly confused why her clearly festival enthralled best friend would be here of all places and not out celebrating with the rest of the raving village.
"Why else? I have something for you!" Sango chimed happily extending out her slender fingers that currently clutched around a concealed wrapping of some kind that Kagome only now realized she had been holding.
Kagome was beyond surprised at her sudden gesture but wasn't bold enough to deny whatever it was the demon slayer had sought fit to deliver to her personally.
A little hesitantly Kagome took hold of the harden paper like wrapping before slowly pulling apart the protective cover to reveal the soft silken material it had concealed.
Kagome felt her heat skip a beat in her chest at the mere sight of what she now knew she was holding onto.
Folded with clear care and hopefulness one of if not the most beautiful kimono's Kagome had ever laid eyes only stared back at her with its magnificent gleam.
Brilliantly unmarred white silken fabric that could have matched a raging blizzard in perfect hue distracted only by the rich bright flashes of pink and crimson that burst from the decoratively clearly hand embroidered cheery blossoms along the sleeves and boarders.
It was absolutely stunning. And left Kagome speechless and gawking.
"S-Sango-" Kagome stammered in disbelief.
The obviously self pleased demons slayer only smiled warmly in return.
"What are you waiting for? Try it on!" She insisted lovingly.
Kagome could only stare down at the neatly folded fabric she clung to motionlessly. She never thought she would ever see something this breathtaking let alone wear it!
How did Sango even come by such a treasure? Better yet why had she given it to her?
The questions burned her tongue but the moment the stunned priestess peered up to ask her closest friend an all to familiar dryness of her throat held them trapped behind her teeth.
Without a word of permission or warning Kagome could feel her eyes haze over with the threat of tears. She didn't deserve this sort of compassion, yet here Sango was. Like she always had been.
She wanted to thank her. Not for the kimono, though it was beyond words to be so appreciative. She just truly wanted to express how much this simple gesture had meant to her.
Her lips parted and she felt the heartfelt gratitude filled words form but they never had the opportunity to retain sound before suddenly a low but all to familiar pulsation surged through Kagome's already heighten body.
It was thick and invading and left her skin tingling with the threat of danger. It was an almost indescribable bitter sensation but one she and the demon slayer standing before her knew all to well.
A demon was close, very close.
"Is it near the village?" Sango asked cautiously her now sternly narrowed eyes fixated towards the hut entrance.
"No-" Kagome reassured but all the while climbing to her sandal covered feet making sure to leave the beautifully fabricated kimono the demon slayer had brought on its neatly folded place by the dim fire.
"Its further off." Kagome added focusing her spiritually heightened senses in the direction the potent aura radiated from.
It was definitely close, a little to close for normal comfort. But it was on the boarder of the outskirts. Not entirely near enough to cause any real alarm.
Without hesitation Kagome stepped towards the matt covered entrance gripping her oaken bow that laid rested against the aged frame, taking the curved arch securely in her slender hand before speaking.
"I should take care of it though." She admitted.
Kagome couldn't see it but Sango's harden gaze instantly softened over with reluctance and concern.
"Kagome-" Sango began worriedly. She knew without a doubt her best friend could defend herself without aid but that wasn't what suddenly upset her.
Kagome had sacrificed so much for the village. Endless and tiredly she had given and given and received little to nothing in return.
She had hoped this small gesture would be a small reward for her selflessness, but apparently the cosmos had other plans. Bordering cruel plans.
"I'm fine Sango." Kagome reassured with a forced smile as she trudged outside the hut entrance where Sango quickly followed suit.
Standing out in the dying light of the day Kagome breathed the spicy and sweet scented air. It smelled so inviting and warm but at the same time stung at her insides with lasting disappointment. A realization she hid well.
She had no other choice because only a few feet away the unmistakable sight of Mi and Sa carelessly playing at one another's side caught her full attention.
The two of them looked so happy and joyful. Playfully spinning a matching set of pinwheels over each others heads and laughing all the while.
It was a sight that warmed Kagome heart, even if she knew she couldn't enjoy this time with the two of them like she wished she could.
Sango met her dearest friends gaze all to sympathetically and hopingly parted her lips to speak but Kagome's soften words hit her first.
"It's alright Sango. Really. I don't want to spoil the party." Kagome smiled hollowly before turning to face the demon slayer at her back.
"Besides, they deserve this." She said encouraging gesturing towards the two obliviously dancing twins.
"After everything that has happened. They need to have some fun." She whispered supportively.
Sango took in the sight of her daughters quietly. Seeing them act this way, even with the previous nights they had cried over missing their father. It was uplifting, and something she really did want them to enjoy.
Heavily Sango sighed lowly.
"I cant change you're mind?" Sango asked warmly.
Kagome's facial expression softened in appreciation, but her decision hadn't been changed, and without a word further Sango could tell. Her efforts were in vein.
"Come find us when you can?" Sango asked hopefully.
Kagome nodded her head in agreement before responding.
"Sure." She promised watching as her most closest friend stepped ahead towards her still twirling daughters.
Behind an admiring mask Kagome watched them go hand in hand towards the radiating beat of the music and the warmth of the village and its people.
While she, like so many times before was left standing far behind in the shadows and trying her hardest to keep the usually crumbling weight of her thoughts at bay.
She held them back as forcefully as she could but with weaken smile still placed on her defeated façade she turned towards the darkness that awaited her with one hard realization weighing on her heavier then any others.
Maybe it had been better never to hope at all? At least then, she wouldn't have felt this way. So very, disappointed.
The stone walled den smelled like jasmine, flowery and calming. A scent that once filled the now entering azure eyed wolf demon with contentment, instead of this. Nothing, but sheer dread and searing guilt.
Wordlessly Kouga walked through his now mentally suffocating bed chamber towards the silken and fur pallet that centered the large cavern like room.
His darken but incredibly sharp inhuman eyes reflecting animalistically with the lack of any source of light in the midnight shrouded dome.
Though limited his vision while in the darkness was tolerable but not without imperfection. Shapes and figures of everything in his den was unchanged but a blacken shade. And for the first time Kouga was grateful for the inability to see the object of his growing unease.
Laying in the messed mound of his bed Ayame laid curled to herself, her armor absent and her whiten furs discarded in a neatly folded pile.
Her loose auburn hair fanned out silken like over the soft hazel furs and her porcelain skin illuminating with an enticing glow even with the non existent lighting.
Her frame was curved in all its luscious exposure, a lone silken sheet the only thing hugged to the lowest part of her hips.
Were she not laying with her back currently placed towards the cave entrance Kouga would have instinctively taken in the sight of her completely naked and exposed body.
While walking towards his motionless and lightly breathing mate Kouga's mind unwillingly flashed an all to distant memory of all the other times he had returned to the den late a night from a long days hunt to find her like this.
The way he had cautiously taken off his own armor so as not to wake her. Not until he had curled himself to her back naked skin to naked skin, kissed her shoulder and caressed her in every way possible.
Forcefully Kouga shook the memories away. Reminding himself to the soul purpose why he had returned to his room at all instead of taking shelter on the isolated cliff side.
Taking a steadily and visibly heavy breath Kouga stepped to the rim of his bed cautiously but not necessarily gentle taking a seat at Ayame's side.
Not bothering to peer down at her still laying figure he felt her stir beside him, undoubtedly waking from her nonexistent sleep.
"I have something to tell you." Kouga breathed lowly, his harden eyes staring ahead emotionlessly.
Ayame didn't respond only laid at her visibly tense mates side peering at the distant stone wall ahead of her behind narrowly open and glowing jade eyes.
"I'll be leaving the mountain for a few days." Kouga continued, not daring to peer down at his mates vulnerable direction but positively sure she heard every word he whispered.
Again Ayame didn't react only laid there quiet and staring ahead behind internal blearing eyes.
"The larger game hasn't returned. I'm taking Ginta and Hakkaku further into the territories to hunt." Kouga said evenly, no trace of deception in his darken tone.
Ayame closed her eyes tightly. Her slender fingers gripping hold of the furs laid at her side so tightly her knuckles turned a hard shade of white.
"I-If you think that's best-" She breathed in a whisper so low and broken were it not so deathly silent inside their den Kouga might not have been able to hear it.
Kouga could feel her tense, but he did nothing to consol her.
"I do." He whispered not muttering a word more before he steadily climbed back to his feet eager to put as much distance between him and his now trembling mate as possible.
He had only made it half way back towards the cave entrance before Ayame's shaken voice caught him off guard causing him to freeze in mid step.
"Kouga-" She called softly sitting up and allowing the protective layers of the silk and fur to fall away from her exposed body shamelessly.
Her eyes met his softly as he gazed over the broad width of his shoulder.
Even without turning fully to see her. He could see the desire clear in her eyes, the longing. She was staring at him as she often had whenever they had fought or disagreed in the past.
She was sorry, fearful but above all. Wanting.
And he knew why.
She wanted his comfort, his intimacy. To have him drive away the distance that had formed between them with loving and strong thrust of his hips.
She wanted him, her mate.
No words needed to be said in order for her request to be known but that didn't mean Kouga hadn't braced himself for them all the same.
Softly Ayame's coral colored lips parted but sternly almost weakly her pearl fangs dug into her bottom lip to stop them from spilling out.
Instead she swallowed hard took a long and clearly struggling breath before forcing herself to speak after what felt like an eternity of silence.
"Come home safely." She whispered.
Kouga could have turned to her, comforted her with just a soft response or maybe even a simple tender gesture. But, the hurt building in his chest wouldn't allow him to do so.
He just couldn't, not anymore.
Then wordlessly and without a second glance he nodded in agreement before pushing past the cave entrance and vanishing down the stone hall out of her sight.
Almost halfway down the concrete maze of tunnels leading away from his no doubt devastated mate was when ever so lightly the lingering scent of freshly formed tears scented the air.
Closing his eyes tightly Kouga trudged forward.
It was cruel and he knew that all to well. But he hadn't chosen this life or its travesties.
He hadn't asked to fall in love with a certain human girl. No more then a demon girl he had asked to fall in love with him.
With a harden glare and trying his best to ignore the now even more increasing aching feeling of guilt building in his chest. He couldn't help but ask himself.
When did this heartless cycle end?
Silver cherry blossom petals fell silently from their budded flowers. High above on the arch of the above curved branches countless littering the lush spring grass below with their non dissipating forms.
Almost as if soft snow had invaded the midnight surroundings without a trace of the frosted cold. It was an almost beautifully serene moment to behold.
One that made Kagome's isolated time amongst the desolate hillside more tolerable than before.
Breathing in the sweet perfume that clouded the crisp air Kagome sighed heavily from her resting spot on the hill peak over looking the village below.
It was a bright warm glow in the center of nothing but vast blacken space.
Even from this far off the warmth radiating from below could almost be felt, along with the lasting thump of the music that still played on through the night.
Kagome smiled to no one but herself.
It was times like this that had become the most difficult to her. Times when she would have given anything to be a person down there.
Not a priestess, not anyone important really. Just her. To be able to laugh and dance and forget everything she was or who she had pledged herself to be.
She wanted to be normal, like she had once been so very long ago. Long before she had throw herself into this world of disarray and chaos.
But something like that, something that should have been so simple didn't seem realistic. At least not to her.
How could she ever be herself after the things she had done?
Exhaustedly Kagome rested her chin on her chest tucked knees. She didn't know why she tortured herself like this. Maybe it was the only way she could force herself through another day. To never allow herself to forget the betrayals and hurt she had caused.
That most likely was the one reason she refused to join her friends and loved ones that undoubtedly still waited for her down below.
She could have. Even now, but it would have been to tiring to try.
To explain over and over that she was alright and not hurt, even though her somewhat disheveled state suggested otherwise.
She had located the demon both she and Sango had felt earlier, it was nothing as she had originally thought. Just a lone bird like creature that had only taken a single arrow to purify.
Just a random demon searching for an easy meal as most were.
But unfortunately the fast moving creature had managed to cause her to falter with her first attempt to destroy it. Making her skid her crimson pants across the earthy forest floor staining them darkly.
Other than that little mishap she was completely fine.
Still, the idea of returning to the village with her current appearance would rise to much concern. So she had opted to merely wait out the celebration on the surrounding greenery.
The village didn't seem to mind her absence in the least after all.
It was comforting to know that her presence wasn't necessary, but at the same time almost upsetting? To know she could be so easily put out of mind.
Kagome sighed heavily pushing the thought away entirely.
She was just being selfish. Or so she thought. If anyone deserved this time away from the harshness of life, they did. This winter had beaten them all down.
So why did she still feel this way? So…alone?
Without warning or hesitation a lone tear cut a hard line down from Kagome's suddenly bleary hazel eyes to her soften jaw.
Angrily Kagome brushed it away with the back of her palm. When would she ever learn? Her mind was her worst enemy. And given the chance it would be more unforgiving then anything season.
But even with that knowledge the hurt remained. And so did the urge to cry. Maybe out of frustration or disappointment? She didn't know, she just felt it all the same.
Upset at her fragility she cupped her flushed cheeks defeated. Trying as she could to ignore the small droplets of salted water that began to trickle down.
Maybe her appearance wasn't the only reason she didn't want to be amongst the village. At least here in the darkness, no one could judge her or her weakness.
She was still struggling to keep her silent crying under control when the sudden warm pulsation of a demonic aura flooded through her closed off form.
Making matters worse the sudden jarring sensation was far more worse then before. Meaning one thing, a demon was beyond close. It was practically on top of her!
Reflexively Kagome gripped hold of her polished bow resting at her side before turning defensively towards the direction of the radiating surge.
She was on her feet before the unseen figure now standing just on the opposite end of the grassy field could react.
Her feet braced and her still tear stained eyes narrowed defensively. But, the absolute moment her intense hazel orbs caught sight of the actual demon the potent energy outpoured around…she froze.
The darken arch of her bow slipped weightlessly from her fingertips and an ever so light gust of spring air rustled her loosen raven locks around her now trembling shoulders.
Her hands shuddered and her exuberant eyes flashed nothing but hard undeniable disbelief.
Then breathlessly only one word slipped past her quivering pink lips.
"K-Kouga?"
Do you hate me yet? No. Great! Then I'll try and get the next chapter up as soon as I can! Don't want anyone hunting me down over a cliff hanger….again.
Hang in there guys! It'll pay off soon enough! Much love!
See you soon!