Hey buds, I haven't had the chance to really sit down and work on revising/editing this chapter, so I apologize if there are any mistakes or inconsistencies. I do try my best, but sometimes a lot of details just slip my attention. I hope you enjoy it; I enjoyed writing Loki feels at 1 in the morning...brace yourselves for next chapter though. It is 100% feels and 95% of them are not positive.
There were many rooms in Stark Tower, though none of them were designed specifically to imprison an alien guilty of espionage and murder—the den's floor seemed to have worked well enough on Loki last time. At least, that was what Tony claimed.
So why Tony had a room whose walls, ceiling, and floor looked like pure sheet metal with no reflection and the light so blindingly white and unmerciful, Loki did not understand. Only the fact that the epitome of imprisonment seemed to rebound off the smooth metal until it sent shivers down Loki's spine.
The spy was bound with metal upon a chair in the middle of the room, far from any possible advantage. Its magic was bound to keep it from shape-shifting and its weapons stripped and deposited in Tony's lab. It had no awakened yet—Tony had given it a tremendous hit in the head not too long ago—but the sight of it was still foreboding, as if it would raise its head and lunge at them any moment now, if they weren't careful.
They should have killed it when they had the chance.
"Is there some sort of Geneva Code for this?" said Tony, leaning against the slick wall. Loki realized that there were inexplicable scorch marks upon the metal, the surface curdled as if solid yet boiling. "Are there laws about how to treat a prisoner if they're from another freaking planet?"
"I don't think it's supposed to make a difference," said Steve. He was equipped with a gun to steady the spy should it go renegade, but he seemed reluctant to have it in his hands. "Living creatures are living, whether they're human or not."
"This doesn't even look human," said Tony.
"Just because he looks like our kind of a monster doesn't mean he isn't like a human," said Steve.
"Maybe," said Tony. "Then again, just because someone's human doesn't make them a monster."
Loki averted his gaze, their words tumbling like a twister in his head. But what did humans such as Tony and Steve know about monsters when all they knew were of their own race and the spurts of Chitauri interaction in their lives? Nothing.
"And another thing—how do you know it's a male?" said Tony. "What if this is their version of a female? Or maybe they have no genders?"
"Because calling him an 'it' is unfair," said Steve.
"Listen, Spangles, your nineteen-forties charm is starting to run a little thin," said Tony. He tossed a taser from one hand to the other, in case the gun wasn't useful enough for them.
The door opened, a crack on the brilliant metal sliding apart to reveal the outside hallway. Thor came in, his face lined with gaunt worry. His blue eyes landed on the Chitauri prisoner and anger visibly etched itself on his face.
"What is the meaning of this?" said Thor. "Our comrades return and Clint injured grievously, Natasha speechless, and Loki's magic weakened, and now we have one of the enemy in our midst?"
"He's a prisoner," said Steve. "We wanted to question him about what the Chitauri were doing…what Thanos was doing."
Thor nodded, but seemed unconvinced. He turned to Loki. "Are you all right, brother?"
Loki waved a hand indifferently, still keeping a hand on his old scepter. He did not risk putting on the arc reactor, not when so much stress was thrumming through the tower, but he could feel his magic course through him a little more smoothly with the added magical stimulant in his hands.
"Banner only told me so much of what has occurred," said Thor. "What exactly had transpired? How did the Chitauri know to infiltrate there?"
"Spies learn a lot when given the time," said Tony. "I should know. Freaking Natasha pulled one over me for who knows how long that one time."
"But it doesn't make sense why they chose to infiltrate SHIELD," said Steve. "I feel like it shouldn't have been hard for them to figure out where Loki really was, if they were there for long. Especially if one of them was impersonating Vulk."
"It wasn't impersonating Vulk for that long," said Tony. "Vulk was only dead for several hours when they found her. They must have been lying low…or else, they weren't there for a long time at all."
"But did they have a motive in SHIELD?" said Thor. "Were they trying to accomplish two things at once? Find Loki—and perhaps something else?"
"And why Vulk?" said Steve. "Why not another agent? Did they choose randomly, or did they want the same thing we want?"
Tony grimaced. "You don't mean…"
"What if they too wanted something with the scepter?" said Steve.
Loki looked down at the golden staff in his hand. No—it had to be the real one. He felt its familiarity underneath his fingers, heavy as extravagant rings. No imitation could achieve that.
"But they didn't take it," said Thor.
"What if they knew that Loki needed it, so they tampered with it?" said Tony. "What if there's some tracking voodoo on it, or some curse? I don't know how this stupid magic works but it sure looks like it could do harmful shit."
Thor's eyes widened. "Loki, put the scepter down. Quickly!"
Loki shot a look of skepticism at Thor. This was his staff, and shouldn't he know if it had been manipulated?
"But they want to take Loki, not kill him and let him die somewhere where they don't know," said Steve. "They want the Mind Gem from him."
"What if the staff magnifies the Mind Gem in him and makes it easier for Thanos to look through his head?" said Tony. "Like some magical satellite?"
"He can achieve that even without a staff," said Steve. "Whether or not we use it, we're pretty much screwed, unless you can make up your own staff and let Loki use that instead of this one."
"Fine, but I need to study that staff to understand the physics of the thing to replicate my own. Loki, give it to Steve. I doubt he can ever be impure. No, don't hand it to me, I don't like being handed things."
Loki tightened his grip around the scepter. He wished they could know just how ridiculous they were being, but when Steve held out his hand patiently, he reluctantly shoved it into Steve's grip. He felt the magical flow slow immediately and his mood soured.
"What is this room used for?" said Thor. "I don't see why you would have such a soulless room in your tower, Stark."
Tony glanced at one of the scorch marks. "Sometimes it feels nice to have a room where you can destroy things and not actually break anything, you know?"
Before any of the others could speak, the Chitauri spy began to stir in its place. To see sign of life within that alien made Loki freeze in his spot, his heart skipping a beat before racing feverishly. He held the scepter tighter, willing himself to keep his breathing level. To keep his head level.
The others were just as tense, holding aloft the taser and handgun respectively. Thor made no sign of hiding the fact that he had Mjölnir in his reach, stepping forward before all of them with his mighty hammer. When the spy raised its head, it leered at the Avengers before it, namely Thor who was the clearest in its line of vision. It twisted its limbs bound with the chains, calculating its situation in those black eyes.
"Ah," said the spy, its voice rasping. "So I finally get to acquaint myself with the infamous warriors of the galaxies."
"Hold your tongue unless it is an answer to our inquiries," said Thor. "You have caused enough damage upon this innocent realm."
"Innocence," said the spy. "Thor Odinson, is it? There is much talk about you, how you swooped down to our lonely star and dragged Laufeyson from our ownership for your own pleasure. They eventually found out it was you, of course. You leave the stench of Jotun bloodshed."
"Your insults are centuries too old," said Thor. "You did not seem to find me very easily, as it would have been to your advantage if you did so, if you so claim to be adept in sniffing me out. Was I too masked with the smell of Chitauri blood?"
"You truly are as brutal as the bards have depicted you to be," said the spy. "Surely you remember them? The ballads that they spin of your brave genocide and massacres?"
"Let me know the name of the one that so easily disputes mine," said Thor. "Unless you insist on flyting one-sidedly."
"You may address me as Gath, Asgardian," said Gath. "I look forward to this banter with the famously dimwitted golden prince."
Loki bristled behind Thor; he was, after all, the only one allowed to insult Thor's intelligence.
He was secretly glad that Thor stood in front of him, not because he thought he needed Thor's physical protection, but that someone could stand in his line of vision—that he didn't need to see any of those creatures.
"Gath," said Thor. "You infiltrated Midgard's defenses, murdered one of their kind, and tortured our comrade. What is your reasoning?"
"You don't possibly expect me to answer you so bluntly, do you?" said Gath.
"Let me take care of this," said Tony, nudging Thor aside. Thor did not take the hint to move him aside, so Tony stood beside him. "Listen…Gath. Something tells me you know the whole shebang about prisoners and trying to torture information out of them. So this is all probably not really new."
"Not particularly," said Gath.
"And you—being this strapping officer—" The sarcasm was dripping so generously from Tony's voice that Loki could practically feel it collect in a puddle at his feet. "—wouldn't be so soft to break from torture, if we chose it."
"Not like some," said Gath. Loki's bottom jaw twitched.
"But who are we kidding?" said Tony. "I dunno much about Chitauri but if they were so invincible then they would have had a much easier time taking over New York City instead of being shot down by six people. Five of them being mortals, in fact."
"The Frost Giant was a failure of a commander," said Gath. "It did not deserve the knowledge of the Tesseract nor the scepter in its hand, and especially not the breath in its lungs."
"Have care of how you speak!" said Thor, a growl ripping his throat. "You dare let one slip against my brother go past your lips, you will sorely regret it."
"I think I enjoy blaspheming the trickster god too much to ever regret it," said Gath. "Though, is it truly blaspheming if it isn't even a god? Just a Jotun monster that ought to be slain. That is what you said yourself, isn't it?"
"You know nothing," said Thor.
"Oh, do I?" said Gath. "After all, for those centuries that I had the displeasure of listening to that bastard runt scream, don't you think I would have heard a confession or two?"
Loki started forward sharply before Steve grabbed his arm to hold him back. Thor flashed a sidelong glance to Loki, the confusion and sorrow evident in those eyes.
"That's enough," said Tony. "You and your—people—have been sneaking around our place, blowing shit up, and now you're planning on blowing up the entire universe. Forgive us if we don't really adhere to that plan, but we've got a schedule to follow all our own as well."
"You really think a little information will stop Thanos?" said Gath. "You are beyond foolish and naïve. Your arrogance is certainly rivaling that of the thunder god here."
"You should keep your flattery to yourself," said Tony. "And you shouldn't underestimate information. Isn't that what Thanos is trying to use, after all? With Loki and that Mind Gem in his chest, tapping into his senses to get a feel of everything?"
"So mortals can comprehend the Mind Gem's powers?" said Gath.
"Again, shouldn't underestimate," said Tony.
"If you're so good at deducing, you really needn't keep me around. You could solve the puzzle yourself," Gath said with a sneer.
"Why waste a good opportunity?" said Tony.
"You so ignorantly believe that you have the abilities to force speech from a silenced tongue," said Gath. "That hasn't worked so swimmingly with your resident dumb beast."
"That's enough," said Tony. Loki had never heard Tony speak so roughly before. "I'll have you know that I specialize in the building of weapons. I know exactly how to hurt, how to maim, how to kill. And there are master assassins in this building who make a living out of making people scream. You will talk and you will cooperate."
"Ah, mortals in their full glory," said Gath. "Your little archer seemed rather indignant about the treatment he received, yet his kind will not hesitate to do the same. Mortals do a wonderful job at treating each other without violence as well, aren't they? Midgard's deeds do not go unnoticed."
"We aren't saying we're better than you," said Steve.
"Although it's definitely on our mind," Tony interrupted.
"But our people's safety is on the line because of you and your boss," Steve said, shooting a sharp glance at Tony. "And there's not a lot we aren't willing to do to protect them."
"And you're doing a remarkable job," said Gath as he sneered. "How is your little archer, anyway? I left him something to remember me by."
"He's perfectly fine and healing now," said Steve.
"And if you think you can get away with hurting him like that," said Tony, "you've got another thing coming at you."
"Oh, you believe you have the power to break my mind with your petty blows?" said Gath. Its black eyes darted to Loki; he stiffened at the attention. "Well, I'll say. What little credit you give me, to think that a bit of pain you mere mortals can inflict on me will batter me. That wasn't what tortured little Laufeyson here, and what Laufeyson has been through is merely child's play to us. Shall I tell you what broke it?"
"Don't listen to him, Loki," Steve said quietly the moment Loki took a sharp intake of breath. "He's trying to rile you. Don't listen to him. He's just trying to make himself feel on top. Don't let him in."
"Laufeyson was forced to swallow down the waste of its superiors," said Gath. "It hung by its entrails from a spike above fire and melted like a mere object. It moaned and sniveled and whimpered for trivial comforts. And Lord Thanos, how unfortunate he was that he had to replace his love for Lady Death with something so disgusting and worthless, he took Laufeyson and consumed it, fucked it until it—"
Before Loki knew it, his own fingers were wrapped around Gath's neck, all his anger shoved into his hands to press against its throat. He felt Gath's breath flail underneath his palm and he burned, he was on fire. Someone poured oil into his veins and set his blood on fire and his anger consumed it, burned his skin, ravaged him—
"Loki, don't!" Steve's hands grabbed Loki's arms and tried to drag him back. Loki wrenched his arms away from Steve and struck Gath's face again—again—again—knocking the words out of Gath's mouth, knocking the memories, hitting—
Steve wrapped his arms around Loki and pulled him back, ensuring that Loki couldn't fight back. Loki stumbled into Steve, breathing heavily as his mind spun, exploded, in his head while Gath laughed wheezily in the background, blood pouring from its orifice. He felt as if he could breathe fire.
He caught the sight of the look on Thor's face and he wanted to die that very moment. Erase his existence from everyone's mind, from the universe, everything—he couldn't stand it.
"Thor," said Tony, putting a firm hand on Thor's shoulder. "Thor, don't—"
"How dare you," said Thor, his voice uncharacteristically calm and steady. Loki closed his eyes—it was when Thor acted absolutely unaffected and tranquil that he was the angriest, most vengeful. "How dare your kind touch my brother in such a way, how dare you impugn his honor, how dare you hurt him, how dare you!"
Loki launched himself from Steve's arms and held back Thor before Thor could come closer to Gath. He buried his face into Thor's back, tightening his arms around Thor and willing he not make a move, willing that he didn't care about what happened to Loki, willing that he forget so that Loki could forget because if Thor—if Thor of all people knew, if Thor of all people acted upon this, then Loki couldn't stand it, couldn't handle it.
Somewhere in the tangle, Steve led Loki and Thor out of the room, out of the metal cage that let Loki's memories bounce against the walls and reverberate with volume. He stumbled away from Thor, pressing his hands against the sides of his heads, trying to keep from hyperventilating. He didn't know what Thor did behind him, but he couldn't let himself turn around and face him. Face the truth, face that reality.
Why did they have to bring Gath to the tower? Why couldn't they just kill it?
Why couldn't they just kill it?
He felt a hand touch his shoulder and he sucked in a deep breath. He spun around, knocking the hand away only to be face-to-face with Thor. He stepped back, setting his jaw until his teeth hurt. He hid his shaking hand. How weak he must be, to be so emotionally compromised, to have let himself be ravaged by the war titan. How weak how weak how weak.
"Loki," Thor said.
Don't say anything. Please. Please don't say anything.
Thor took Loki's trembling hand, and Loki pulled it away, pushing Thor swiftly. He didn't need Thor's comfort, his mollycoddling, his sympathy, any of it. He was beyond that pain, that humiliation. He was beyond it, beyond it, it was over, too late, because his insides were scarred and filthy, too late, his heart was irreparable, he was dying and there was nothing, it was too late because he couldn't let it hurt anymore he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't.
Thor cradled Loki's face with both of his hands, and Loki realized that tears were welling dangerously in Thor's eyes. He felt his throat burn. Thor shouldn't cry because of this. Thor shouldn't need to, because Loki was stronger than this, he was better than this, he couldn't afford to remember it anymore.
But Loki couldn't pull himself from his brother's hands, those gentle hands that Loki knew would never touch him in any way that Thanos ever did. He could never tell Thor that he feared Thanos, not because of the disastrous plan Thanos would wreak on all living creatures, not because of the torturous words and sneers that rang in his mind, not the possibility of giving up the entire realm to Thanos through his eyes, but because Thanos' love and Thanos' passion was what ruined him, was what made Loki quake in his bones, was what made Loki want to turn himself inside out and throw in boiling water.
"Brother, it was never your fault," said Thor. "It was never you."
Thor did not know. Thor was not there to see. Thor did not see how uselessly Loki hid himself. Thor did not see how weakly he fought when Thanos took hold of him. Thor did not see how Loki gave up underneath Thanos, gave up as he swallowed and vomited, gave up as he fell in a heap covered in a baby's blood and waited to die.
"Listen to me, Loki," Thor said. His voice was thick, and Loki tried not to notice the shaking. "Listen to me. You are whole, you are alive, you are safe, and you are not tainted. Do you hear me? Loki, I've failed to protect you, to take care of you, time and time again, but—" Thor's voice caught him and he had to fight for breath, to regain his voice.
Loki put his hands on Thor's wrists and he wished Thor would just stop. Just stop and please, please just hold him, please don't think him disgusting or vile, please forget the battled and poisoned insides, forget the Jotun lurking in his skin, forget everything, please just hold him—but he would never ask, never say, never let Thor know. Shame bottled up inside of him and he wished he was nothing.
But then Loki realized—realized that Thor wasn't looking at him. Instead, he looked at the floor, and Loki was seized with fear. Was Thor so disgusted that he couldn't even bring himself to look at Loki anymore? Loki reached out and lifted Thor's head up before he froze.
Thor was crying.
Loki didn't know what to do. He rarely saw Thor cry. Perhaps when he told him that Odin had died, or that time when they were very young and he accidentally (or perhaps not so accidentally as he claimed) drowned Thor's pet hawk, but those were so long ago, and these were so different tears. His shoulders shook but he made no sound as tears streamed down his face as if he had been broken, as if someone took his mighty hammer and slammed it against his heart.
Why? said Loki's hands as they roughly wiped Thor's tears away. Why is this so sad to you? Are you angry, ashamed—?
The tears would not stop and Thor put his hands on Loki's, keeping him from wiping them away. Loki put his hands on Thor's shoulders and shook them gently as if to break Thor back into reality.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't mean to I should have I could have I would have forgive me why why why why—?
"Oh, Loki," said Thor, his voice thick. He knew Loki without him needing to say a word. "I'm crying for you."
The words struck him.
Loki made Thor cry. The past and only two times was because of him. But not like this. Not like this.
That Thor's heart would break because Loki's has, that Thor would suffer through what Loki had, that Thor would have that compassion and take upon his heart the troubles that he never needed to face. That Loki surely never asked him to bear. And yet he took it upon himself anyway, as if he could carry some of Loki's burden and save a half of Loki's broken heart in exchange for his own.
What would possess a man to do such a thing?
(Is that love, Silvertongue?)
And for some reason, from an instinct Loki could not name, he laughed.
Threw his head back and laughed—still silent, still soundless—but he laughed and grinned and it was far from madness. Laughed because Thor—oh, brother Thor—was the biggest, sweetest idiot in all of the Nine Realms, that he loved so much that it hurt him, that he would cry for the Liesmith when none would dare even if it meant saving his life. Laughed because—because—oh, wasn't it foolish, to cry about what has passed? To cry when it would heal no wounds, wash no stains, satisfy no parched tongue?
But tears streamed down his big brother's face and Loki could only hold him tight, running his fingers through Thor's hair and rubbing circles on his back like Frigga once did when they were upset. Whisper words of 'it's all right' and 'shhh now' with his fingertips. Tell him, thank you. I'm sorry. Thank you.
And for the first time, in that moment, he realized—
He need not fear Thanos in his nightmares anymore. Not when he was never alone.