Hi loves! So I normally really love replying individually to each review, but this past weekend had been super busy, so I apologize to those who read the story over the weekend for not thanking you personally. Here's a big shoutout and hugs and kisses to you guys! Thank you so much for checking this story out and I will work to be much better at this whole replying thing! :D
So guys, I'm actually really excited to show you the chapter after this one. Not because of anything plotty, admittedly, but for very personal reasons. More to be explained in the next chapter's author notes, so please stay in tune for next Monday!
"All right—let's try one more time."
Loki rubbed his wrist gingerly, eyeing the metal glove on the table before him. It uncannily reminded him of the Infinity Gauntlet, except much less gaudy and void of any magnifying gems of power. He picked it up from the table and slipped his hand into it. The gauntlet nearly reached the middle of his forearm and when he let his hand fall to his side the gauntlet slipped off immediately.
Tony groaned and picked it up off the ground. "You seriously have the smallest hands ever."
Loki raised an eyebrow.
"Okay, your fingers are long and stuff, but they're crazy thin," said Tony, taking a screwdriver to tighten the spaces. "Are you always this thin?"
Loki shrugged. He had never been as thickset as Thor, but if he was honest with himself, then he had to admit that his limbs were bonier than normal. They never truly regained the same health as before he fell from Asgard.
"Can't have you trying to perform magic and this thing falls off entirely," said Tony. "Though, I think after a while your magic will calm its ass down and you won't have to use this when you're wearing the arc reactor…but better safe than sorry." He looked up at Loki. "It will, wouldn't it?"
Loki couldn't answer it for himself. Still grasping on the scepter from the battle, he directed its magic to the mug by Tony's side. The previously empty cup was suddenly filled to the brim with steaming black coffee. Tony gratefully took the mug and gulped several mouthfuls down.
"Thanks a lot," said Tony, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before returning his attention on the glove.
Loki bowed his head. It was the least he could do for someone who spent countless sleepless nights working on a mechanism just for his sake.
"But anyway," said Tony, squinting at a stubborn screw. "Have you been eating lately? I mean, you eat the fruits and vegetables Pepper cooks, but that's all I know."
Loki gave a small smile. If he chose to speak, he could have told Tony that true, Loki was not eating as heartily as the others, even for a small appetite such as his, and thus his weight refused to return. But that would have been a lie.
He rubbed his face tiredly, feeling the magic glamour as his fingertips skimmed across his skin. Tony nudged the cup of coffee toward Loki. Loki shook his head.
"Maybe you should take a nap," said Tony. "You look like you need one."
Loki rolled his eyes and pointed accusingly at Tony. Tony stuck his tongue out at him.
"Hey, I'm busy. You, on the other hand, should get your strength up. Don't think I didn't know what magic you exerted that one time with Clint and Bruce."
Loki rested his chin on his interlaced fingers, planting himself stubbornly on his chair.
"And all those times in my lab when you were wrecking shit," said Tony. "Thor said you were testing out weapons and trying to—what was it?—enhance them with your magic. Yeah, what did we tell you about using your magic? Kind of fatal, don't you think?"
Loki smirked at Tony. Since when was the man of Iron so nagging?
"You know how much I have to pay to fix those walls?" said Tony. "Those were actually pretty pricy. That's going to come out of your paycheck."
Loki waved a hand dismissively. If Tony only asked, Loki could have easily mended the walls with his magic. Tony must have understood, because he snorted and waved the glove in his hand.
"Hey, no thinking about magic until after we get this on you properly, okay? And this isn't even done here—we have to make sure this thing actually works. See, I can't add any magical attributes to it like the scepter, but it can attract your supernatural energy flow and sort of—well, I don't want to say it contains it, but it softens the flow. Almost dilutes it so the concentration won't make things explode like last time."
Loki nodded, lowering his eyes. He played absentmindedly with the discarded screws between his fingers. Tony frowned slightly but silently returned to his work.
And what if the scepter of a glove didn't work? What if Tony fixed the arc reactor upon Loki and his magic ended up ricocheting everywhere like last time, destroying everything it touched? What if he killed more people out of accident, and nothing could erase accidents?
The screw fell from Loki's fingers, clacking on the metal table. Loki pressed his lips together before leaning back in his chair, crossing his arms tightly. No one had mentioned the episode in SHIELD when he had killed who knew how many people because of his magic ever since. Even when Loki had blatantly returned to the SHIELD headquarters to fetch his scepter, there was no sign of what occurred in the aftermath of the accident. Certainly SHIELD did not let everything simmer down to calmness and everyone eventually forgot about the dead as if they never mattered. If Loki had learned anything about mortals in his time here, it was that they mourned every death.
He watched Tony suspiciously. Tony didn't seem to notice, or at least he ignored Loki magnificently as he tightened the spaces. If anyone knew what had occurred, what SHIELD felt, how the people grieved, it must have been Loki. Perhaps because Tony was one that easily hid the truth.
Finally, Tony's gaze flickered up at Loki. He raised an eyebrow questioningly before handing the glove to Loki. It was significantly smaller than before, but when Loki pulled it onto his left hand, it fit nearly perfectly. He admired the gleaming metal, how it cupped his wrists and each knuckle easily. He flicked his wrist sharply, and his hand did not rattle in the loose spaces of the insides of the glove.
"Okay, finally," said Tony, pumping his fists in the air. "Seriously, you have skeletal hands, it's kind of scary. I'm ordering steak and potatoes for you. Make that five plates. Now…we should check about the magic."
Tony stood from his chair and came to Loki's side. He took a grip on the scepter in Loki's hand. "When you hold this scepter, I'm guessing you feel a lot more powerful? Or, you have more magic that's controlled and plentiful in you?"
Loki nodded, smirking. Tony was certainly getting a hang of the magic he so vehemently begrudged against.
"This gauntlet probably won't have that same effect," said Tony. "You know, me being unable to actually make magic, only manipulate it through energy readings. What this will do is that it will be able to channel your magic and keep it from going out of order, trying to push itself out of you from every pore. But until it gets the get-go signal, also known as you choosing to perform magic, it won't let the powers just shoot out of your hand. You think you can sense that?"
Loki nodded. He let go of the scepter and closed his eyes, probing at his web of energy within him. Yes—there was a certain flow of his magic that pulsed more healthily before, especially at his hand. It was like feeling the tingling in an arm after its blood flow was blocked slowly fade to comfortable normalcy, despite the miniscule tremor within the veins.
"Is it good?" said Tony.
Loki gave a short nod. Tony gave a low whistle of approval and set the scepter aside.
"Damn, that thing's kind of heavy," said Tony. "Glowstick of destiny, a total pain in the ass."
Loki shot a look of disapproval at Tony. That 'glowstick of destiny' happened to be a powerful and ancient tool of the Nine Realms.
"All right," said Tony. He ran his hand through his hair. "All right…how do you feel about me putting on the arc reactor?"
Loki drew back instinctively. For a moment, he thought he felt the Mind Gem squirm in protest within his chest. Tony pursed his lips.
"I know it sort of failed last time," said Tony, "but look here—it's safe here. These walls? They keep in blasts of all kinds. How else would I have tested my suit? And if I notice anything going amiss, I can easily take out the arc reactor. Easy peasy. And…then we'll go back to the drawing board."
Loki couldn't help but gape at Tony. Either Tony completely forgot that Loki had the ability to blast a clean hole through Tony's body with his uncontrolled magic, or Tony had no level of self-preservation to consider that threat. Loki found the latter more believable.
And what then? Once the Mind Gem's power was suppressed, what next? Loki knew it would not be the end. Poison can be contained, but it could not cease. And this one within him had no antidote.
But Thanos could come into his mind—his body and being—any moment and steal more truths about Midgard. Perhaps hurt one of the others, if not kill. There was no room for second guesses and hesitation.
Loki took in a deep breath and unbuttoned the top of his shirt, revealing his chest and the metal brace that would keep the arc reactor in place. Tony nodded approvingly before fetching the arc reactor from its safe compartment. Loki swallowed hard.
"You ready?" said Tony, holding up the arc reactor.
Loki glanced around the room briefly. There was an object labeled 'fire extinguisher' in the corner, and that was all that could possibly save Tony. Tony followed Loki's gaze and shook his head.
"You'll be fine. I'll be fine. I survived freaking outer space. If that didn't kill me, nothing will."
Amazing how confident mortals can act in their vulnerability.
Before Loki could prepare himself, Tony fitted the arc reactor into the ring. Loki sucked in a sharp breath, feeling a wave of cold rush through him.
The Mind Gem felt as if it was shrieking in his chest, twisting and turning until his muscles ached until it was subsequently silenced, like a heavy stone in his chest squelching his insides. He stumbled back, clutching the edge of the table as his lungs tightened and made it hard to breathe. Tony was quickly at his side, his hands poised to steady Loki, but Loki swatted away Tony, stabilizing his breath.
"Are you okay?" said Tony. "How do you feel?"
Loki gave Tony a thumbs up, rubbing his aching chest.
"Bullshit."
Tony pulled a chair up for Loki. Loki kicked it aside. If he was going to die via cardiac arrest, at least he ought to keep his pride.
But he felt the pressure lessen slowly from his chest, and his magic continue to flow calmly like a river through his body, albeit stronger than before down his left arm. He breathed easily, his head clearing and the throbbing within him subsiding.
He flexed his fingers, unburdened by the stiff surge of irrepressible magic. He let himself smile, a relieved sigh barely passing his lips, as he raised his hand to the light, the glove glinting in the light. He had power—he had control again.
"Hell yeah!" said Tony. "I told you it would work, didn't I? And you nearly didn't believe me. Give me a high five."
He raised his hand. Loki stared at it perplexedly, wondering if Tony was demanding back the glove. Wouldn't that be sorely unpractical?
"You slap my hand, Loki," said Tony. "That's a high five. That's our way of saying 'good job' or something like that."
Loki slapped Tony's hand with his glove. Tony winced as the hard metal met his palm with godly force and he immediately stuffed his reddening hand into his pocket.
"Okay, we're going to have to teach you the high five etiquette," said Tony. "But shit, this is great. This is really great. Oh God, I need some booze now. This calls for a stiff drink and cheeseburgers, seriously."
"Sir, I'd like to inform you that Nicholas Fury is calling in," JARVIS said.
Tony groaned. "Cut the line for me, JARVIS."
"He insists that it is urgent."
"You know the policy. Leave it urgently."
"Will do, sir. He is leaving a voice message. Would you like to listen to it?"
"Not exactly," said Tony. He caught Loki's look of suspicion before sighing heavily. "Okay, fine. But erase it soon after."
"Replaying for you, sir."
Fury's voice cut in, crackling with distaste. Loki furrowed his eyebrows at the sound of Fury, and his frown deepened as he listened further.
"—Council is negative on your proposal, Stark, and demand you bring him in immediately," said Fury to the voice message. "I can only do so much and I agree, the Council makes stupid-ass decisions right, left, and centre, but they'll send people to kick down your door to drag him in. They want blood, not rationality—"
"Mute it for me, JARVIS," said Tony.
The conversation was halted abruptly. Tony turned to Loki, stopping short at the sight of Loki's stare. He shook his head.
"Don't worry about it," said Tony. "I—it's just a tussle Fury and I are having. Nothing important—"
Before Tony could finish, Loki slammed his hand against the surface of the work table. The resonating bang made Tony jump. Loki's hand smarted considerably, but it did not compare to the boiling vexation within him. Who did Tony—who did all these mortals—think they were, lying to someone like him when they ought to know fully well he could detect it unfailingly?
Tony closed his eyes and gave a sigh, rubbing the back of his head. Suddenly the shadows under his eyes made all the more sense to Loki.
"The Council," Tony said flatly, "want some sort of justice—for the agents that died that one time when we—when you and I—that whole situation when the arc reactor didn't work. They want someone to blame. And I guess it makes sense, because people died and it was awful…but I'm trying to compromise with them. Because it wasn't your fault, no matter how anyone looks at it. You didn't try to hurt anyone, and it was my device and miscalculation that caused it."
Loki let his gaze slide to the floor, where sawdust collected like coffee rings on the gray. Blood followed his footsteps, no matter where he went. Destruction flooded everywhere he touched—was it something of coincidence? Of fate? Of his nature?
"I tried to get the Council to take away my rights," said Tony. Loki looked up sharply at this. "You know—confiscate my weapons-making for who knows how long. I should have done that ages ago, after I changed Stark Industry's industry, but I kept things around for the suit's renovation. But they refused; something tells me that they want to keep that around for me so that I can give SHIELD a hand if they want extra goodies. Bastards."
Tony spoke so casually about losing the right to his passion. It made Loki squirm.
"So now, we're just kind of back to square one," said Tony. He feigned gagging. "Seriously, the Council is full of bullshit. Did you know they were willing to nuke all of New York City to get rid of your little alien friends? And when I say nuke, it's pretty much mass destruction of everything within the area, even the civilians. Yeah, I know, stupid, right?"
Tony wouldn't look at Loki. Loki didn't blame him.
"So...you don't have to worry," said Tony. "It's not right if they try to punish you. And if they do try to kicked own my door or anything, we're blasting their asses. You're safe here, you got that?"
For a moment, Loki was seized with the desire to laugh. Had it not been a mere three Midgardian years when Tony threatened Loki and Loki threw Tony out of a window? How as it that in a matter of months together afterward they had come to this? What about these brief humans would mystify him further, make him question the direction the world turned and the reason why pieces fell into the places they belonged?
"Hey," said Tony. "Don't give me that look. I told you we Avengers would take care of you, didn't I? Or, I thought I did. If not…well, I thought it. And I tend to keep the promises I make to myself. So don't get indignant or anything."
Loki clenched his teeth, resisting the urge to hit Tony across the back of his head. Tony was trying to take the blame for crimes Loki had done with his own hand, mortals were constantly protecting and trusting him when he gave them no reason to do so, and all this for one who was far from deserving, who had no chance of repaying them after this.
"Anyway," said Tony, turning back to his coffee mug on the table. "By law, they aren't allowed to do that. I mean, I don't think so anyway. I'm no lawyer. But anyway…just trust me on this. Trust us. No one wants you to be dragged off. Not even Clint. He never actually said it himself, but we know he doesn't."
Loki parted his lips hesitantly before silently clapping a hand on Tony's shoulder, gripping it gently. Tony gave a wry smile, patting Loki's forearm to accept his discreet thanks. He shrugged it off before downing the rest of his coffee.
"Let's test that baby of yours out," said Tony, holding up the mug. "Turn this into something. Anything. I don't know."
Loki held his silver hand out. In an instant, the white mug melted into the form of a snake.
Tony dropped the adder immediately, jumping onto a nearby stool to avoid its poisonous jaws as the reptile coiled around the table leg, baring its teeth at Loki. With a snap of the fingers, the snake crumbled into black ashes.
"Can you warn me before you set loose dangerous animals in my place?" said Tony, but he was grinning despite his shock. Loki grinned and kicked at the black sand, scattering it across the floor. "Yo, you are cleaning that up, you know."
"Hey, Tony?" The door of the workroom slammed open, making Loki jump. Clint burst into the room, searching hastily for Tony. "SHIELD's calling us in, I was wondering if—"
His eyes landed on Loki and he hesitated, his outburst sapping immediately. He rooted himself to the spot, his gaze immediately sliding away from Loki and desperate to latch onto anything else. Tony raised his eyebrows questioningly.
"SHIELD wants Nat and I to report in," said Clint, rubbing the back of his neck. "I was wondering if we could borrow your car to get there."
"What, you don't want to walk in the brilliant sunshine? Get some Vitamin D or something to keep your skin glowing," said Tony.
"It's storming outside," said Clint.
"Oh. Well, tell Point Break to lighten up." Tony yawned and stretched his arms over his head. "Fine, fine. But you only get the Enzo Ferrari."
"Hell yes," said Clint. "Can you tell me where the keys are?"
"You know what? I'll get them for you," said Tony. "I need an excuse to walk out of this place anyway. You sit tight."
"Wait—what?" Clint's eyebrows shot up his forehead. "No, seriously, you can just tell me where and I'll—"
"Shut up, I won't tell you or you'll steal my Lamborghini," said Tony, making his way to the door. Clint's eyes darted from Tony to Loki, who did everything to avoid his gaze.
"But—I mean—" said Clint.
"Relax. Just don't touch anything and nothing will explode," said Tony. Before Clint could squeeze out another protest, Tony departed from the lab, slamming the door shut on both Clint and Loki.
Loki immediately turned away, busying himself by cleaning up the ashes on the floor even when he could have easily dispelled it all with a blink of an eye. He carefully swept the ash into a dust pan, stretching out the time needed as long as he heard Clint shift back and forth behind him. Clint was just as uncomfortable, pretending to admire Tony's wrenches. Loki heard Clint's feet scuff the floor, pacing about the same place.
A minute later, all the sand was swept neatly in the dustpan and Loki could only pretend to try to brush in one stubborn grain for so long. He risked standing up and brushing the ashes into the trashcan, clanging the plastic pan against the can loudly to fill the silence. Clint cleared his throat, flicking the wrench with his finger.
Did Tony really have to take more than two minutes to find car keys?
"So," said Clint.
Loki paused, wondering if he heard correctly. He glanced at Clint, who was now playing with a tape ruler. Maybe he was hallucinating, that Clint hadn't said anything at all.
"Um," said Clint, banishing Loki's previous notions. "So…well."
Loki dusted his hands off, wondering if Clint wished for Loki to listen at all. He saw Clint's gaze flicker toward him and he stopped.
"You, uh…" Clint spotted the metal glove on Loki's hand. "Tony fixed you up good, huh?"
Loki flexed his fingers unconsciously. Clint hunched his shoulders instinctively, and Loki frowned.
"I guess that's pretty good," said Clint. "I mean…that's what Tony and Bruce were trying to figure out for a while. Keeping the Mind Gem quiet while you can still have magic and…use it well. And all that."
Loki nodded without agreeing to anything. He gingerly patted his shoulder. Clint blinked and looked down at his own.
"Oh…it's fine," said Clint. "A lot better now. Kind of sore-ish, but…well, can't have everything. Better than not being able to move it at all."
Clint coughed in his fist and rubbed his chin, his hands itching to do something. "I—never thanked you properly. For—you know. Making sure my arm doesn't get gangrene or anything. Or eat me alive. The curse, I mean. Not the arm. That would be freaky."
Loki hid a silent chuckle behind his hand. Clint bit the inside of his cheek and looked away, hands swinging aimlessly at his side as if to propel momentum to move the conversation forward, despite the recipient being mute.
"So yeah…thanks," said Clint. "I appreciate it."
Loki blinked before cracking a genuine smile, bowing his head in acceptance. Clint let out a sigh that hinted relief before running his hand through his cropped hair, surveying his surroundings.
"JARVIS told me you took all my old bows," said Clint. "Any chance I'll ever get them back?"
Loki smirked before retreating to the corner of the room to a locked cupboard. With a wave of the hand the locks snapped off and the door flew open. Several of Clint's bows were stowed inside; Loki pulled out the larger one and tossed it to Clint. Clint caught it easily, furrowing his eyebrows.
"What hocus pocus have you cast on it?" said Clint.
Loki winked and crossed his arms, leaning back as if to enjoy the show. Clint squinted at the bow, tossing it from one hand to the next. He tested the string, pulling it back before releasing it. Without warning, an arrow shot out of nowhere and sank deeply into Tony's wall. Clint yelped, stumbling back. Loki doubled over, shoulders shaking in silent laughter. Clint rolled his eyes, but couldn't stop the grin on his face.
"I'm claiming this one back," said Clint. He pulled back the string and aimed the bow at a clock on the wall. He released the string and an arrow planted cleanly in the middle of the face. "God knows I need this."
"I've got the keys, Clint—" Tony re-entered the room, jangling the car keys between his fingers, before stopping short. His eyes fell on the arrows that shattered his clock and punctured his wall and his face had the look of the least amusement.
"Are you serious?" said Tony.
Clint threw the bow to Loki, who promptly threw it back.
"You little shits."
The video on the computer screen was not as clear as the images on Tony's television, and sometimes would discombobulate itself from the sound, but Thor couldn't be any more satisfied. Jane was as lovely as ever on Skype.
"—I get to talk to colleges about the theory. Colleges!" said Jane, her face shining with excitement. "And today I only saw ten students sleeping in the middle of it. That's less than twelve percent of the lecture!"
"I'm so glad to hear," said Thor, unable to contain his smile. "You must have been very busy, albeit happy."
"I was. I am," said Jane. She was in what looked like a motel room—Thor could see a simple small bed in the background with her suitcase on top of it. "Is it weird for me to say that's the part I always dreamed about when I started off studying? To have people listen to me about what I want to tell them? It sounds silly, I'm sure, but…but to see the students so eager to learn from me was just mind-blowing."
"Should it be that much of a surprise?" said Thor.
Jane laughed. "To be honest, Thor, you were probably my only eager audience for the longest time."
"Ah, but to hear your voice is sweeter than any song—"
"Thor!" said Jane, her face reddening immediately. Thor stifled laughter behind his voice.
"And your thoughts shape words more precious than all the jewels of the worlds—"
"Come on, stop, Thor!" said Jane, but she couldn't stop laughing.
Thor only spoke louder.
"And nothing can compare to your utterly breathtaking smile when your passion powers you," said Thor with a cheeky grin. "Jane, I do believe you're blushing."
Jane hid her face in her hands. "Thor, you've been taking lessons from that Fandral friend of yours, haven't you?"
"I will neither affirm nor deny it," said Thor. "I like to think that it was inspired by my own rare genius."
Jane peeked at Thor from between her fingers. "Fair enough. Though, to imagine you being smooth with words before startles me."
"Oh, how so?" said Thor.
"You weren't exactly the most articulate of people when I first met you."
"Worry not, I truly was not so sweet with my words before," said Thor. "It had always been Loki who was better with words, though when it comes to women it never really worked in his favor. I would tell you about what had once transpired between him and Sif in our youth, but he may actually kill me for that."
"Speaking of Loki," said Jane, lowering her hands. "How is he doing? Is he any better?"
Thor's smile softened, both tender and fragile upon his lips. "He is happy with the people here. I've not seen him so relaxed in a long while."
"That's really good," said Jane. "I'm so happy to hear, Thor."
"I thank you," said Thor. "It really is a joy to see this. I hope for the best."
"And his health?" said Jane. "How is that?"
Thor hesitated, his smiling wearing away. "I cannot say for sure."
"I tried looking up things on the Mind Gem," said Jane. "I found nothing. So it's not really part of anyone's mythology or study…not on Earth, anyway."
"Thank you for your efforts," said Thor. "I do not know everything about the situation but…but I have a strong notion."
"What do you mean?" said Jane.
Thor pursed his lips and gave a sidelong glance to his bedroom door, making sure it was closed.
"If something is not alive, can it still be a parasite?" said Thor.
"Not alive?" said Jane. She furrowed her eyebrows. "Well, technically no. The definition requires something alive to take from another living thing. But in general? I mean, it wouldn't be called a parasite but it would still be possible. What are you thinking, Thor? Do you think the Mind Gem is a parasite of sorts?"
"Yes," said Thor. He spoke softly, in case anyone should hear through his walls and door. "My brother's health has always been more delicate than usual since he escaped the Chitauri, but he makes it nearly unnoticeable, still fighting when he needs to and resting only when he is forced to. But I am not as ignorant as I was before. I can tell that his health is depleting, though he hides it. I know he keeps on a mask with magic, but I do not know what lies beneath. I fear it."
Jane nodded, lowering her eyes. Thor sighed and rubbed his forehead tiredly.
"Certainly I do not think he expects me to not notice it. I've seen him at his best and worst, and certainly he is not at his strongest," said Thor. "And I ask him, I watch him and try to take care of him…yet he will not tell me what is wrong. He could be rotting from the core, plagued, but he will not let me know. And he will not let me help."
"How is it hurting him, the Mind Gem?" said Jane.
"It weakens him. I can feel his energy sap from his body," said Thor. He swallowed hard. "Even with the new equipment that Stark has bestowed upon him to diminish the power of the Mind Gem, Loki does not regain his strength. I have confronted him, I have asked, I have tried to recall what I know of the Gems—but this is unprecedented, using an Infinity Gem alone to torture. I do not know what it will do to him in the end. All I know is that it is hurting him now, and I can only wish I knew what ails him…what he isn't telling me. Why isn't he telling me? Does he not trust me?"
"I don't know much about Loki," said Jane, "but I know that when people are hurt, or really ill, or going through a hard time, they want to keep it to themselves and not let anyone know. Not because they don't trust anyone, but they—well, they think they should keep the burden alone. They don't want to worry the people they care about. And sometimes…sometimes they're scared. Scared of chasing people away, or of their situation, or anything. It's hard to admit the truth when you're feeling vulnerable."
"He is afraid?" said Thor.
"I don't know," said Jane. "But from what you've told me how he's doing, I'm sure he does trust you, Thor. He loves you, but it'll take time to tell you the truth. Especially if he still doesn't talk. You can't push him into talking—sometimes that just drives people away even further."
"But it worries me deeply," said Thor.
"I think he's a little more introverted than you are," said Jane, "so talking about what goes on in his mind might be rarer and more difficult for him. I don't know Loki well enough to be sure of it, but that's my two cents."
"It is just so frustrating," said Thor. "Even in our youth he had held back much of the truth, never telling me what was wrong even though I cared, and then everyone suffered when it became something much more tragic. It is cruel of me to say it, but I fear growing cross with him."
"It's understandable," said Jane. "See…when my parents died, I didn't talk to anyone. Wouldn't tell anyone about it, and I kept pushing people away. It wasn't the greatest way of coping, but that was how I felt safest. Erik knew I was hurting, but he also knew I wouldn't talk to him about it even though he kept asking. He later admitted how distressed that made him, after things smoothed over…it's very understandable, Thor."
Thor exhaled deeply, running a hand down the side of his face. A pang of self-disappointment strengthened and as much as he wished he could hide it away under layers of distractions, it rang with inevitable and painful truth.
"How do I be a better brother?" said Thor.
"What do you mean?" said Jane. "You're already a wonderful brother. You've helped him so much already."
"I heal and protect him physically, yes," said Thor. "But all our life together—the millennia that we grew up with each other—I realized that…that I don't think I actually know Loki. I may know his quirks, his habits, what he likes and dislikes…but how and what he thinks, why he feels, the inner truth of his being and his heart, I know nothing about. I'm sure he knows me better than I know him, and it hurts because I want to know him—I do, but I don't know how. I wonder if he even wants me to know him."
"Have you ever talked to him about it?" said Jane.
Thor gave a wry smile. "I fear I have not. I think I'm afraid that he will tell me he doesn't want me to know him…even brothers will not always be perfect together."
"I think he'd appreciate it if you'd be honest with him," said Jane. "I never had siblings, so I'm guessing, but…I think the truth can help heal what's between you better than what hiding can ever do. Sometimes it'll hurt, and sometimes it might not go the way you want it, but hiding the truth won't help in any situation."
"And if he will not tell me?" said Thor.
"Then give him time and space," said Jane. "You can't press him to talk if he's not ready. But he may, after a while."
Thor nodded quietly, resting his entwined fingers against his rips. "I'm sorry for burdening you with all my worries, Jane. I wish I had more cheerful subjects to talk of, but these have been heavy on my mind for so long."
"It's not a problem at all," said Jane. "Everyone should have someone to talk to when they need it. You have me, and I'm sure Loki will have someone too, when he feels comfortable."
"I only wish that such a person would be me," said Thor. "I fear that it is not." He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Will I ever find out what is wrong? And if I do, what if I cannot help him?"
"I can't say," said Jane. "But you'll always be able to help him. You love him, don't you?"
"Of course," said Thor.
"Then you'll take care of him," said Jane. "You'll always be there for him, because you love him. There's no handbook; loving someone isn't the first step, it's the guide."
Thor smiled. "And I thought I was the poetic one."
"I'm serious, Thor," said Jane.
"I know," said Thor. "Thank you, Jane, for caring for my brother. For caring for Loki."
"Of course," said Jane. "I want to care for him."
Thor rested his chin on his hand. "Sometimes," he said, "I fear what would happen if for some reason I died or could never be there for Loki again. If the Norns pulled us apart and I could never go to him again. What would happen to him? What if he would be lonely? What if no one would help him?"
"Thor," said Jane. "Do you think none of us would help him? Do you doubt me when I say I want to care for him?"
Thor let his head hang low, stunned and abashed.
"You won't ever leave him, Thor," said Jane. "And even if one day that must happen, Loki will be loved. Believe me—he will be loved."
Thor couldn't hide his smile—his smile of pure relief and joy and thankfulness. His heart hurt beautifully.
"You do not know how much that means to me, Jane," said Thor. He felt his eyes sting.
Jane reached out to him, her fingers just inches away—stopped only by the plastic screen and the hundreds of miles and many years of absence between them. Thor let himself place his hand upon hers—or where hers ought to be—and he imagined being side by side with her—not kissing or hugging or holding hands, but at peace. But now was enough for him.
Now was enough.