I sit in a stairwell alone for a while thinking about what to do. I really want this surgery. My first surgery being a major one is such a high achievement. And to have my first surgery standing beside my husband would be a gift. But at the same time I don't want to sail through my intern year with gifts and pushes from Derek. I want to forge my own path. And I especially don't want to make enemies because my husband picked me for surgery. Making my decision, I walk to the basement and the lines of empty gurneys. Cristina and Izzie are sitting together, most likely ranting about me.
"I'll tell him I changed my mind, you can-" I try to give Cristina the surgery.
She snaps at me, "No, no, don't do me any favors. It's fine."
"Cristina," I try to reason with her.
"You know what, you did a cutthroat thing, deal with it. Don't come to me for absolution, you want to be a shark, be a shark."
I argue, "I'm not a-"
"Oh yes you are," Cristina says, "Only it makes you feel all bad in your warm gooey I-love-my-husband places. No, screw you. I don't get picked for surgeries because I married my boss, and I didn't get into med school because I have a famous mother. You know, some of us have to earn what we get." I turn away. I want to cry. I thought I had been making friends but it turns out we really are just the competition. I got find Derek. He needs to know that this isn't okay.
I finally find my husband in Katie's room. He's methodically shaving her head and the look of concentration on his face, even for such a simple task, is stunning. He looks up when I walk into the room and gives me a dazzling smile. All I can muster is a small curve of the corners of my lips. My arms are crossed in front of my chest and he can probably tell I'm upset.
Derek says, "I promised I'd make her look cool. Apparently being a bald beauty queen is the worst thing that happened in the history of the world," He smirks at that, "But I think she'd probably decided a pink haired rebel is a little worse." I roll my eyes. He just loves mentioning my rebellious phase. I'm pretty sure there's a box somewhere that he has as many copies of pictures from then as possible, in case I destroy the ones that I know of.
"Did you choose me for the surgery because I'm your wife?" I ask without hesitation.
"Yes." He switches which hand he holds the razor in and swings his stool around. I gasp his name angrily, prepared to scold him. There's a long pause before he tells me, "I'm kidding."
Kidding or not, I tell him, "I'm not going to scrub in for surgery. You should ask Cristina. She really wants it."
"You're Katie's doctor," He says, "And on your first day, with very little training, you helped save her life," He looks proud as he says that, "You earned the right to follow her case to the finish. You...you shouldn't let the fact that we're married get in the way of you taking your shot," I stare at him and a small smile spreads on across his face, "Now you, Dr. Grey, are going to scrub into this surgery whether you want to or not," His smile grows and I can't help but return it, "And I think I know, from personal Meredith Grey experience, that you want to." He's right. I really want to.
What I really wanted was to spend the time before my surgery with Derek, but he has other patients he has to take care of. Somehow, I end up sitting on a ledge outside with George. Just over forty hours into our internship and he has a massive crush on me. Despite that, I think I could be friends with him. He's sweet in that way that makes a person just want to befriend him. There are tears nearly spilling from his eyes and I'm just staring straight ahead.
"I wish I wanted to be a chef. Or a ski instructor. Or a kindergarten teacher." I confess.
His response makes me happy, it's nice not being the only one who feels lost, "You know, I would've been a really good postal worker. I'm dependable," I chuckle, "You know, my parents tell everyone they meet that their son's a surgeon. As if it's a big accomplishment. A superhero or something. If they could see me now…" I bet if his parents could see him right now they would be so proud. My mother would just think that I'm ordinary.
"When I told my mother I wanted to go to medical school, she tried to talk me out of it. Said I didn't have what it takes to be a surgeon. That I'd never make it. So, the way I see it, superhero sounds pretty damn good." Derek's a superhero. He's the reason I made it through med school. He helped me with so much.
George blinks slowly. I can tell he is thinking. His question surprises me and I don't really have an answer to it, "We're going to survive this, right?" All I can do is smile at him and enjoy the moment of calm.
I wring my hands as I stand in the opening between the scrub room and the OR. Derek is wearing a fish scrub cap that I had bought him at celebrate when he finished his intern year. Through his surgical mask I can tell he's smiling at me. There's a twinkle in his eyes and the crinkles at the corners are there. His smile makes me confident and I step forward.
I've heard him say it a million times but standing next to him, a patient on the table, covered in sterile scrubs, and scalpels next to me at the ready, make Derek's declaration sound new once more. "All right everybody, it's a beautiful night to save lives, let's have some fun."
It's like a choreographed dance, the preparation for the surgery. Plastic is draped over Katie lights are turned on and off. People move so fluidly it's like they're floating. I shift the weight between my feet and crane my neck trying to get a look at what Derek is going. I want to see the magic happen. I can't think of any one reason why I want to be a surgeon. But I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. He makes the first incision and I feel my breath catch. They make it hard on purpose. I watch intently as they suction bleeders and clear the way to Katie's brain. There are lives in our hands. I listen to the whirr of the drill and watch the movements of everyone else in the OR. It seems like the entire world is spinning and I'm on the one piece of solid ground. Everything is moving around me and I just watch on in awe. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game. Katie starts to crash. The monitors start beeping and the dance becomes chaotic. Still I watch on. Derek's hands move so gracefully. He was born to do this. Seeing him work from the gallery is nothing compared to watching his hands work up close. Everything is so precise and so delicate and so beautiful. And then I realize he's making eye contact with me. My head perks up. He motions with his head for me to come towards him. There's a smile behind his surgical mask. And you either take that step forward, or turn around and walk away. It feels like I'm moving in slow motion. Nothing feels real. This is the moment I've been building up towards. To actually be in surgery. Derek watches me until it's clear that I'm coming towards him. He then redirects his attention to Katie's open head. I spare a glance up to the gallery and Cristina is there, looking bitter. And I honestly don't care because I'm about to watch a surgery only inches away from it happening. I'm doing to be part of the surgery. As I come to stand next to Derek he looks at me. We hold eye contact for a moment. He whispers that he loves me. I nod. We then both look down at Katie's brain. I watch as he clips the aneurysm. When the clip is in place I can feel his eyes on me, but I can't stop staring through the microscope. Just below me is an open human brain. One day I'm going to perform surgery on that. I could quit. But here's the thing: I love the playing field. I look up at Derek and watch his face as he works. I look back to the brain and I see exactly what he sees. Something incredible.
The process of scrubbing out passes me by in an instant. I barely realize I'm out of the OR. I sit in a chair frozen. I just was in surgery. I think I'm on a high. I don't even turn to look at Cristina when she bursts into the atrium area where I sit, dazed.
She stands before me and says, "It was a good surgery."
"Yeah." Is the only response I can muster.
I'm surprised when she sits down next to me. She sighs and says, "We don't have to do that thing where I say something, and then you say something, and then somebody cries, and there's like a moment…"
I crinkle my nose and respond, "Yuck." Despite this, I smile. She wants to be my friend. I have a friend here.
"Good," She says, "You should get some sleep. You look like crap."
"I look better than you." I joke.
"That's not possible." Cristina shakes her head as she gets up. I'm happy, really happy, at this very moment. I watch her walk away and then return to my post-surgery daze.
Then Derek comes out of the surgical hallway. He sighs, loudly, as he walks over to the closest counter to jot down notes in what is presumably Katie's chart. I watch him as he rolls his shoulders to relieve the tension. He rips the scrub cap from his head and clicks the pen in his hand multiple times. I don't think he realizes that I'm there.
"That was amazing." I say.
He smiles and nods his head. His answer is a low throaty hum in agreement.
"You practice on cadavers, you observe, and you think you know what you're going to feel like standing over that table, but...that was such a high." I don't even know what I'm saying but there is so much emotion rolling through me I just need to say something.
He closes the chart and looks at me. He really deeply looks at me. The tenderness in his eyes shows all the love he has for me and they're as mesmerizing as surgery, to me. "I don't know why anybody does drugs."
He nods his head again and smiles, "Yeah." He says. It hits me, from the look in his eyes, that the high he's agreeing with doesn't come from surgery but comes from me. Grabbing the patient chart and his scrub cap he walks over to me and collapses in Cristina's vacated chair. He slides down in the chair so far that his head is well below mine. He smiles up at me.
"I love you." He says.
I nod and hum in response before saying, "I love you, too."
He then looks down at the chart in his hand, "I should go do this."
"You should."
"I'll see you around." He smiles at me as he leaves and I sit for a moment, basking in my love for him instead of my surgery high.
A/N: So there's one more chapter, it's really short. It's just the end of the day. Don't worry though! There's more MerDer coming your way! I'm currently finishing up a one-shot that will be posted either tonight or tomorrow and I'm in the middle of an AU story about season 2. My AU is a multi-chapter fic, longer than this one. The reason I haven't posted it is because I want to have it done before I start sharing it. Happy Holidays for those who celebrate tonight!