Author: Jadeblueafterglow17

Disclaimers: Not Mine. But Cadet/Ensign Wesley Crusher will do in a fix. I only torture him and then comfort him because I love him! So believe me when I say...I'll always find a way to save him!

Summary: Beverly carries on alone...

Worf's quote from the last chapter..."reH Hegh yoHwI'pu''e'. "Always it is the brave ones who die."

Chapter 11: Miss You More

Beverly released Wesley's body back to Starfleet Medical for a forensic study to see what went wrong. She hoped that the senseless loss of Wesley's life could somehow save others. She would not participate in the autopsy but she would be there to make sure with her own hands that her son was made whole again and that he was ready for an appropriate burial. Captain Picard never left her side, keeping a promise he'd made Wesley long ago, that he wanted him to look after his mother when he was gone. Of course Wesley had only meant to Starfleet Academy at the time, and it made him so angry that this young man just beginning his life was now gone forever.

She took one last longing look at the cold dead body and knew that her son was gone, all that remained was the shell in which his spirit and life had occupied. She leaned down and pressed her lips on his forehead, it was colder than ice.

"Good bye my sweetheart." she turned and leaned into Picard's open arm as they walked away.
Worf kept his word, he didn't use a moment of his shore leave for himself. He was constantly at Wesley's door. He watched in fascination at the autopsy deciding that it was amazing that humans were an "unlucky" race if they only had one of everything should something go wrong, it could be fatal. As he saw Beverly and the captain approach he straightened up and came to attention.

"At ease Lieutenant."

"Worf, I want you to know that this has meant so much to me, this gesture of honoring our religious traditions, but I can relieve you of that duty now."

"But Doctor..."

"They are... they're about to..." she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence. Jean Luc stepped in and swallowed hard.

"His body will be turned to particle matter, grains of carbon in a few minutes. His remains will be sent to the Enterprise for Beverly to do with what she wishes."

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Stardate 43582.59

It was raining. It wasn't supposed to rain in southern California but it did that afternoon. She would always remember because she thought if she were outside right now no one would question her tears, they might think of them as raindrops. They wouldn't ask her why she was crying. Of course they already knew, everyone knew.

Since Wesley had been declared an official officer, the flags at Starfleet had been lowered to half staff in his honor. As she stared out the window of the observatory where her son's remains were being finished, she couldn't but help feel devastated that he followed his father's footsteps in death instead of carving a new path in life.

As the evening approached, the overcast skies that had huddled together all morning to expel their rain cleared away to reveal cloudless large patches of blue. A glimmer of the suns horizon rays began to shine through and cast and auburn hue on the city below. It would be night soon. She would have to face them all again. She would have to listen to them. Yes, they all meant well, her son had been a part of their lives for the last three years too but it pained her to hear and come up with more than one word answers to what seemed like well rehearsed nuances:

"Beverly how are you..."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"I'm so sorry for your loss..."

"He was a brilliant boy..."

"Such a hard worker..."

"So much like his father..."

If they knew how they sounded they wouldn't say the platitudes that had once made her so proud but now made her feel so empty. The one phrase that stung the most came from the unlikeliest of sources. Kate Pulaski had dared uttered the words:

"He had such a good heart."

"A good heart." How ironic she thought, as she recalled the results of the autopsy. It had been the aneurysm to his heart due to the virus that had ended his life well short of 72 hours promised to her. A crippling pain had stolen her child from this world, and he only showed her the utmost peace in his expression of death.

She went back to her quarters and then to Wesley's room and gathered some items before carrying a tray from the Enterprise and proceeding to the transporter room, his remains (simple carbon atoms) in her loving arms.

As she materialized in the desired location on Earth's surface she thought she might cry. The scene was beautiful. She'd trusted "her family" to help her with the task of Wesley's memorial but this was completely unexpected. All along the sandy shores of the beach in San Francisco were glowing lighted paper lanterns that lead to the waters edge. She could hear the soft roar of the ocean in the distance as the silence of the crew surrounding it was nearly deafening. Each crew member held in their hand an old sparkler, a simple firework that when lit would burn the carbon and sulfur in a beautiful white and yellow starburst. It was one of Wesley's favorites.

She followed the path, nearly blinded by her own tears as Jean Luc Picard came up towards the head of the beach to meet her. He relieved her of all of her bundles with the exception of the urn as she was guided through the crowd of officers. Lined on the table were his communicator, his personal logs, several projects he'd worked on and dozens of photographs in holoframes large enough to hang on the wall. The pictures captured him with Jack and Beverly, some of his youth, and several with classmates, his friends Geordi and Data, and even one with the Captain. It was a beautiful display of his life.

Near the shore she was even more surprised to see her entire medical staff, all of her family, and all of the bridge's crew holding sparklers as well. She almost had to laugh at the expression that Commander Data held as he held the sparkling device in his hand. Lt. Worf held one as well, he was clearly not amused.

She turned to face the ship's crew as they stared at her, their faces a mix of concern and sympathy.

"Thank you...thank you all for coming...I know Wesley wouldn't have wanted a big fuss. I kind of think he would have liked this..." she found herself clutching the urn tighter than before as she tried unsuccessfully to hold back her tears. "I'm sorry..."

"Beverly we think no less of you please say whatever you wish to say, cry scream...it doesn't matter, we want to get through this with you..." Deanna walked up and hugged her.

"I just miss him...and I'm thankful he's no longer sick ..or in pain, but I miss him every minute of every day. Appreciate the time you have with those you love...you never know when it can be stolen from you. Wesley was my heart, please forgive me if I don't know what to do with myself now that my heart is gone."

Soon she found herself enveloped in a hug my her nurse and several others as she was escorted to one of the blankets.

Jean Luc Picard stood before his crew, his face changing from somber to one of an enigmatic grin, marred only by the tremble in his voice. He knew he had to do this for Beverly, but this was far too personal for him too.

"Wesley once said that he loved navigating the Enterprise, because he loved being among the stars. He said the first time he saw the Enterprise engage its warp engines he looked through the portal and though that the sky ...that the universe was putting on a fireworks show. He was entranced. Beverly said he had been fascinated by both his whole life. I think its only right that we remember him as those millions of stars that erupt like fireworks as we pass through time."

Picard turned and nodded his head and to his rear just off the shore was a tiny barge. Suddenly a burst was ignited and the sky was filled with red and green stars, giant streams of fire that went up into the night sky and fell like diamonds. The Enterprise's complement sat down on the beach and stared up at the display. Picard seated himself beside the inconsolable mother wrapping his arms around her as she cradled the urn. Beverly prayed that wherever Wesley was he could see the fireworks, and that he was happy and no longer in pain.

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One Month Later

Dr. Crusher returned to her duties as CMO, but very little of the former doctor made it back. Her relationship with the captain had become strained and she is a shell of her former self. Her work continues to be exceptional, but she is reclusive, withdrawn, and spent all of her time in sickbay avoiding her quarters as much as possible.

Deanna senses the grief Beverly carries around, It's so overwhelming that it keeps her awake at night. She suggests That Beverly sending subspace messages to Earth as if addressing them to Wesley, just as if she is talking to him. She thinks it is silly, but Deanna reminds her how much comfort she got from the nightly talks with Wes while she was away at Starfleet medical, sometimes talking to him so late at night that he began to fall asleep talking to her those first few nights. She remembered how she felt connected to him even when he was so far away.

Counselor Troi reminded her that even though he can't respond, Wesley is in her heart, and he's a part of her and all around her.

"Maybe somehow through writing to him you can find the peace you seek." Beverly is skeptical as she went through some of her son's personal logs and found that he kept their old transmissions. She found herself laughing out loud in a few but crying through most...it was still a comfort to hear his voice but devastating to hear it end with a program.

When she came to a particular one she froze the frame in time, and sat in a chair to study the screen. She remembered this transmission vividly. She remembered how much she was missing Wesley while she was away from the Enterprise and she'd played it atleast a dozen times just so she could hear the excitement in her son's voice.

"Computer resume program." she beckoned.

Wesley was perched in the middle of his bed wearing his bed clothes as he first sat and then lay on a perched arm talking with his mother. He talked about being on the bridge during a pursuit of a Ferengi Cruiser, and performing multiple "Picard-Picard maneuvers to out-run a ship. She remember how animated he'd been. She watched as he slowly wore himself out as he was now laying flat answering her barrage of questions. Soon they were reduced to one sentence and then finally to one word answers, as she bore witness to one of her favorite things in the world. She watched him slowly drift off to sleep and just before he was completely gone she whispered:

"Good night Wes...I love you..." She was more surprised to hear his subconscious answer

"...love you too." She smiled at the memory as the transmission ended.

"Computer save program Crusher, Beverly 252."

"Overwrite Crusher, Wesley 38?"

She hesitated. "Yes"

"Acknowledged. Program saved." came the automated reply. His logs could be saved as long as she was on the Enterprise, but at this point, she was not sure how much longer that would be.

Beverly stared at the picture Data had painted of Wesley on the wall, and glanced at other pictures she'd hanged in his absence. She'd captured her son as a perpetual teenager. She would never see him grow beyond that. No matter how mature, brilliant and talented he was, she would always be reminded that his life was stolen from him.

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The next day
The Letter

She couldn't believe she let Counselor Troi talk her into this. But if she thought it would help ease the constant ache she felt over the loss of her son she would try. A part of her wanted to feel the pain, because it seemed to drift away too soon after Jack died, and she wanted to hang on to the love and the emotion she had for Wesley for the rest of her life no matter how much it killed her to do so. She glanced over at his human remains in the shiny deuterium urn. She ran trembling fingers across the engraved numbers and letters.

Ensign Wesley Robert Crusher

July 29, 2349 - July 30, 2366

Beloved Son, Officer, and Friend

She took a picture frame and held it in her hands. It was the most recent picture she had of her sixteen year old son. There would be none of the mere hours of the last year of his life. The picture was of Wesley captured while working in a science lab. He was pensive with thought as he worked in the photo, but the student who gave her the picture had managed to capture a glimmer of his often shy smile, a smile that she recognized as one where he'd solved a problem. She ran her hands across his face and thought about what Deanna had told her.

"Talk to him...write him...he can hear you...he's still right here with you."

Beverly took the PADD in her hand and began to write the words seamlessly on the electronic screen. As they echoed in her mind they seem to flow without faltering...

I finally took your pictures off the wall

It didn't even help at all you're simply too beautiful.
I've got you frozen in a frame inside my mind,
how can I forget your smile, even for a little while?

They say that time will take this pain away,
time will heal, these scars will fade,
time will give me back my heart again.

Do you even know what you've done to me,
how I'm drowning in your memories?
It's so hard to breathe, now that you're gone.

Do you know it rips out the heart of me, every time I wake up here alone?
How can I move on, when all I do is miss you more?

She looked at the words she'd written on the PADD and thought that they didn't sound like much of a letter...She wiped her eyes, selected the text and her fingers hovered over the send button for a few moments before she clicked delete, and began again.

"It's been thirty-nine days since...we left Earth, since you've been gone. God Wesley, it hurts. I don't know, I think I left part of my soul there. I feel so empty. I miss waking up and seeing you walk in for breakfast with the worst case of bed head in the world just so I can ruffle my hands through it before you combed it to "Ensign Crusher Standards".

I know how you hated me mussing with your hair, but you let me because you knew that was my way of keeping you my little boy...even as you became a young man; A morning kiss on the cheek, a grumble of 'morning mom' and a hair ruffle...it was our routine. I used think it was so trivial and mundane. I thought you'd outgrow it, or I would.

I haven't.

I still hear your footsteps. I still wait to see you walk through the door. But you don't, I stare at it for hours but you don't come.
I sit and think how I used to say "don't wait for me . . . go ahead and eat your breakfast"...and no matter how long I frittered around, you sat patiently and waited until I was seated before you'd take even a single bite.

I remember the Cheshire cat grin that lit up your face when everything was cooked just right and you didn't have to speak a word of thanks because it was reflected in your eyes as they danced. You are so funny Wesley. You were... such a joy. God how I miss that."

She stopped for a moment to dry her tears as the flood of memories actually brought a strangled laugh to the surface.

"Do you remember when we went to Gavar II to the colony of Renar. We were eating lunch in the garden with Counselor Troi and her sister. You were so intent on impressing her you took a bite of that hot fire exotic carp. You refused to show her you were in the least bit of pain but I could tell you were steaming. Your face turned bright red and sweat was pouring from your skin. She was impressed, but not because you were silly enough to eat that fish, but because of your natural charm and good looks."

She briefly smiled remembering the look on his face, cheeks flushed, eyes wide, his face sweating profusely as he began to squirm in a collar that now seemed two sizes too small.

"Do you remember I finally had to make an excuse to pull you from the table so you could get some water? You drank from the garden fountain for like five minutes straight. Oh the look on your face Wesley...your classic "It's not funny mom." with that pout and little twinkle in your eye...I knew you weren't mad at me for laughing ...you could never be mad at me."

She sighed heavily.

"Are you mad Wesley? Because I am. I am so mad, and angry at myself. I hate myself. I hate that with all the technology and medicine that we have...and with every person that I treated and saved and helped...I couldn't save you. I couldn't save the most important person in the universe to me...I couldn't save my son. I couldn't stop your pain, I couldn't stop the hurt, I couldn't make it all better. You suffered horribly, and I let it happen. You tried so hard to fight...for me...to hang on to this life even as the pain and sickness ravaged your body. All I could do was selfishly beg you to hold on, to not leave me, when in your eyes you pleaded with me...to let you go."

"Wesley, please tell me there's no more hurt where you are...I wish I could be there with you. I pray you're with your dad and he's taking care of you til I can get there."

I would give anything to see you whole again, to see your smile again.

I miss you and love you Wesley,

Love Always, Mom"

She didn't want to read what she had typed for fear that she would not send her message. She clicked the button instantly and sent the subspace message to the coordinates that Deanna suggested. Beverly got up from the terminal and put the chair exactly as it had been and walked over and sat on the bed. She was in Wesley's quarters. She couldn't bring herself to return to her own. It was a constant reminder of her son's sickness and death, and his room reminded her of his life; his time as an ensign, his studies, and his too brief existence in this universe of seventeen years and two mere hours.

She laid on his bed and inhaled the scent on the pillow, it still held the fragrance of his hair, she could imagine him sitting on the bed telling her about his latest science project. But the emptiness was all that was left as a deep breath led to more tears and hitching deep in her chest as she clung tightly to the pillow and cried till all she could hear was the sound of her own self breathing.

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Would Beverly do anything to see her son again? Exactly how far would she go? Will the letter help her heal her soul? What do you think should happen next...I have two endings to this story I am thinking of posting... : ) The next chapter Beverly finds some joy.

The slightly altered lyrics (Beverly's deleted letter) in bold italics are from "Miss You More" by New Kids on The Block from their new album "10".