Where were you when the world stopped turning
Chapter 5
Sam closed his eyes, wondering if he was going crazy for hearing his older brother's voice. How many others in his situation were hearing their loved one's voices, encouraging them to keep fighting? As Sam lay there he wished he had never walked away from his family, his education wasn't worth losing his family over. Too bad it took something like this to make him realize it. Sam tried to turn again but the movement caused a shooting pain through his ribs and he cried out.
"I'm sorry Dean" Sam cried wishing more than anything he hadn't walked out. Maybe he deserved this for abandoning his family. One thing was certain if he ever got out of here, he would find his family and apologize. Even if they never forgave him, Sam had to make it up to them somehow. Sam closed his eyes, fighting to stay calm, panic never helped in any situation. The fight to breathe was what hurt the most, Sam knew he likely had a punctured lung and he wondered if he would even be found in time.
"Don't you think like that Sammy, do you hear me? You will be coming out of this and you will be alive!" Dean's voice once again echoed in Sam's mind, causing him to blink back tears as he fought against the pain that was slowly starting to eat at his consciousness.
"I don't know how much longer, I can last" Sam muttered as he wondered what his brother was doing at that moment. Would Dean even care about what Sam was going through right now? Would he care that Sam was terrified that he would never get the chance to say goodbye to his brother, and father. Would either care that Sam was buried alive among the ruins of the Twin Towers. Sam moaned when he felt the steel above him shift sending sharp threads of pain throughout Sam's broken body. It was in that moment that Sam realized he would never see his family again, never laugh with his brother or even argue with his father. Sam realized no one even knew where to look for him and that he would likely die of internal injuries long before the rescue crew even found him.
"I'm sorry, Dean, for everything." Sam cried out as another wave of pain hit. "I don't think I am going to pull through this."
"You're the strongest person I know Sammy, you better not quit now" Dean's voice demanded "You just have to fight help is close by. You will come back to us!" Sam closed his eyes, finally losing consciousness, not hearing the rescuers moving above him. Not knowing that he was only moments away from rescue.
Sam,
I am writing this to you because the last words I ever told you were "If you walk out that door you are dead to me." Now you are really gone, you got on a plane that crashed into the Twin towers. You had no chance at survival, no chance to live the dreams you so desperately wanted to live. Sammy, we shouldn't have let you go like that, I never should have said what I said. Because, little brother, you could never be dead to me. I have spent most of my life protecting you. I will never forgive myself for telling you that, only to have you die a few short hours later. Every time I close my eyes, I dream of the terror you must have felt in your final moments. I can almost hear the screams of the other passengers that lost their lives that day as well.
I keep thinking that maybe if we had willingly let you go, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. We should have driven you Sammy, then you wouldn't have gotten on that plane and you would still be apart of our lives instead of being buried somewhere in the ashes of that building.
Dad's just as sorry as I am, Sam, he thinks he can hide his grief but I see it in his eyes, I hear it in his voice every time he speaks. He regrets so much, what makes it worse is that we can never make up for it. We will always carry our guilt with us. I will always carry your ghost with me because I will always see you doing the small things that you didn't think mattered. I was supposed to protect you, instead I am the reason your gone. I wish I could take back those words but they will always be buried as deep in me as you are in that building.
I find myself wanting to call you and talk to you and every time I go to pick up the phone, I remember you won't be on the other end. Nothing is the same anymore, and it won't ever be the same again. There are days I wish we could have found your body so that we could have given you a hunters funeral, but it wasn't possible, I never got the chance to say goodbye. Tell me Sam, how am I supposed to just grieve and move on when your memory haunts me every single day, every single moment. I see you when you are little depending and trusting that dad and I would take care of you. I remember you crawling into bed with me after having a nightmare after a hunt.
Still the more important memories of when I put itching powder in your boxers and it took you forever to figure out why you were itching so much. Those are the memories that hurt the most because I won't ever have the opportunity to make more of them. When will your death make sense? Because I don't think I will ever understand why you were taken. I will never understand why why I never had the chance to apologize for being a jerk. When in reality I should have been proud of what you had managed to accomplish while on the road. Getting into a school like NYU couldn't have been easy. Dad and I didn't exactly make it easy for you; I'm sorry Sammy,I can't begin to tell you how much it hurts knowing I will never get to see you again. I wish I could turn back time and not say what I did. Maybe then I could have found a better way of keeping you home with us. Yes, you deserved a normal life after the way we grew up, but there was so much that you didn't know. Things that Dad had only just begun to share with me. Sammy, if you had known what I did, you would have been terrified of leaving because you wouldn't have wanted that future. And Sam with your heart being as big and full of love as it was, I know you wouldn't have left. I hate that it would have ruined the future that you had wanted for yourself. If you had been anyone else you would have gotten the future that you wanted. I am truly sorry that things ended the way they did, with you thinking that we hated you. Which is so far from the truth, Dad and I were just scared of what the future held for you. We both knew that it wasn't a future you would have wanted.
We just wanted to protect you, Sammy, but of course you didn't understand that because we never told you what we knew. I hope that wherever you are now that you can forgive us and I can promise you that I will always carry your memory with me. I will always remember how you never liked being called Sammy. And how you always had to have some kind of girly coffee. Most of all I will always remember how much and easily you loved. How you always gave it your all to protect the ones you loved. I will hear your laughter when I think about the pranks we pulled on each other. I will cherish the time we had with you, it wasn't anywhere near long enough but I promise you will never be forgotten, we will carry you with us on every single hunt.
I'm sorry, Sammy
Dean
Tears filled Dean's eyes as he saw a laughing Sammy in his head. They had loved playing pranks on each other, now Sam was gone and Dean was so heartbroken he didn't believe he would ever get through it. No one expects one they love to die so suddenly or so violently but Sam did. And now only hours after Sam's death, Dean was wondering how he was supposed to move forward. He felt so guilty that it felt like he had a ten ton weight on his shoulders that he was expected to be able to carry. Dean and John had only left the Twin Towers a few hours ago before they stopped for the night. Dean sat on the hood of the impala staring up at the sky, no star could be seen because of the city lights, but still Dean could only imagine Sam now somewhere among the stars. Just thinking about how Sam must have felt made Dean want to scream, the grief felt like it would be more than Dean could bare. How did one move on from a tragedy like this? Dean didn't know if he could. He wanted to put a bullet in his favorite pistol and blow his brains out so that he could be with Sam again. He knew however that Sam wouldn't want that for him. Swallowing hard, Dean closed his eyes for a moment. His mind racing with memories of Sam as they grew up. He had spent most of his life protecting Sam. Now who was Dean supposed to protect? He had lived for Sam and now Dean just felt like there wasn't much purpose. Dean also knew that Sam wouldn't want him thinking like that. Still Dean had never imagine life without Sam, and now he was looking at an entire lifetime without his little brother by his side.
Jacob watched the firefighters working to free Sam, wishing that he could help, but with his injured shoulder he felt useless. He silently prayed that Sam was still alive. Sam had been trapped beneath the steel beams for going on 24 hours now. Jacob didn't have to be a doctor to know that Sam was running dangerously low on oxygen. Jacob wasn't sure what kind of injuries he would have but he was determined he would help Sam get through it. Running his uninjured hand through his shaggy black hair, Jacob couldn't help but worry about Sam's condition. Sam's body had likely been crushed, he would be very lucky if the young man wasn't paralyzed. Jacob hoped not.
"Hang on Sam." He muttered, while watching as the firefighters lifted the limp body from out of the ashes. The rescue crew had spent the last two hours trying to get the steel beam off of him. Jacob watched as they lowered Sam onto a stretcher and proceeded to place a neck brace on him, calling out statistics as they worked.
"Collapsed lung, with possible severe internal bleeding." one of the medics called out. Jacob closed his eyes, it would be a very close call for Sam if he made it to the hospital.
Thanks for reading and reviewing Liz