A/N: I didn't think I'd be able to post today on my normal schedule since I've picked up a 9 to 5 position for the next few weeks, but luckily, Tuesday seems to be a slow work day around here. I hope the same can be said for next week, because I'd like to keep things rolling at the pace I have now. Things may be looking bad for the relationship between Kurogane and Fai, but can a visit from Ashura improve things just a little? Enjoy!

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Seven: The One to Blame

Kurogane had decided to give it a month before going to the southern village to bring Fai back. As much as he wanted to drag him home through any means possible and knock some sense into him, he just couldn't rationalize trying to make Fai feel at home again in the village when he barely had a house of his own to begin with. The whole place was in shambles and surrounded by fallen trees and debris, unwelcome reminders of the tragedy that had unfolded there. Before he could even think of bringing Fai back, he had to rebuild a physical place for him to return to that he would not feel compelled to run away from once again.

Rebuilding would have been slow going considering that he was still recovering from his fever, but the relief workers and villagers banded together to produce enough mudbrick to be shared between each of the different reconstruction efforts going on. And when it was announced that Clow Reed's will named Yuuko as the sole successor to all of his lands and properties, she began to pool even more resources into making sure everyone's home and family was looked after. It was not long before Kurogane's home began to take shape again, although the aspects about it he had most loved would not come back.

In the afternoon, he worked on chopping up the trees that had come down nearby his house and shaving down the wood for furniture. He could do without most things in the short term, but he at least wanted to build his family shrine as soon as he could. It would be a rudimentary effort, but he wanted to unroll the beautiful portraits of his parents and begin to mourn both them and Yui properly as soon as he possibly could.

As he worked on sanding the surface of the altar, he saw a pair of sandal-shod feet appear in front of him. He paused his work for a moment and stared at them with narrowed eyes, but resumed as soon as he realized who it was.

"Kurogane-kun," Ashura said in his soft voice. "I trust I find you in better health than when we saw each other last."

"Hmph."

"I'm sorry we couldn't have met during better circumstances. The loss of your family must have been particularly hard on you, and I think that perhaps I forgot to look past my own grief and realize that it would only be more difficult if I took Fai away."

"A little late to be realizing that." Kurogane tossed aside his tools and at last looked Ashura in the eyes. "You have something to talk about, right? Then come inside. But don't expect any food or drinks. I don't have anything."

Ashura stepped inside and looked around. Kurogane had set up a makeshift bed on the floor with sheets and a straw mattress, and other than that, the only things in the house were an old table and the water damaged wardrobe where Kurogane stored his parents' keepsakes and the remains of his clothing.

"Sit down," Kurogane said, waving towards the floor. "I've been sweeping it, so you don't have to worry about it being unclean."

"Of course." Ashura took a seat and folded his hands in his lap. "I'm afraid I don't have any more time for formalities, although I'm sorry to be so impolite. There is something more important I have to ask you. In the past two days, has Fai come to visit you here?"

"That guy? I haven't seen him since he left with you. And if he did come here, there's no way I would have let him leave again."

"That's what I figured, but I felt that I had to ask. Do you know where he might have gone?"

"You mean he's no longer with you, and you have no idea where he is?"

"He disappeared just the other day. No note, not a single word. I went to wake him up, but he was missing from his room, and he wasn't in any of the other places I thought he might be. I hoped he had gone out for a walk and would come back later that night, but he hasn't reappeared since. My next guess was that he came to this village, although I cannot imagine him doing so without the intention of seeing you."

"You saw how things ended last time."

"Even still, Fai isn't the sort of person who could bear being in the same place as you if he couldn't see you. He may be far gone, but not so much so that he would force himself to undergo that particular sort of pain."

"Far gone?" Kurogane echoed. "Just what was that guy doing with himself before he ran off?"

"Nothing. It was like time had stopped for him. He would not show a single emotion, and he wouldn't even eat or get up in the morning unless we directly asked him. We thought spending some time with the child might help him, but even that... he would just hold Ashura like a dead weight in his hands. I would have understood tears or anger, but I never saw any traces of grief in him. Just vacancy."

"Did you try to talk to him about his brother?"

"It... has been difficult. I don't want him to blame Yui."

"Or do you not want him to blame you?"

Ashura lifted an eyebrow, the corners of his mouth diving low on his face.

"Hey, it's not like I'm accusing you or anything. But the last thing that guy wants is to face up to what happened. He blames me for stopping him from saving his brother, and he blames the witch for not being able to save any of the people who died. He even blames himself for not being a better person or paying enough attention to what was happening. If you leave him an opening, he'll start blaming you for marrying the banshee and not taking care of her as well as you should. The last thing you need to worry about is him blaming his brother. He'd rather die before doing that at this point."

"But is Yui really to blame?"

"And what's the point in assigning that? Everyone played their role in leading to this outcome, and so many people interfered that you'd have to untangle a web to get to the heart of it." Kurogane crossed his arms. "All he did was assume he was stronger than he really was, that he could handle everything that was happening. And don't we all do that? But that doesn't matter right now. Where else have you looked for that guy? Have you talked to the witch?"

"Not yet, but I will after I leave here. I have... I've had to consider the possibility that he may be trying to kill himself."

Kurogane froze, his mouth going dry. Of course. If Fai blamed himself for Yui's death, he might get it into his head to atone with his own blood, taking his life for the life Yui had lost. But if that was the case, why had he run away? Did he not want to run the risk of Ashura catching him in the act? Was there a specific place he wanted to be when he died? A specific way he wanted to die?

Kurogane ground his fist into his palm, anger welling up inside him. "Oi. When you came back after the flood, did you hear anything about where they found the bodies?"

"Of Yui and Shashi? They were on the path leading out of the village, less than a mile west of the river."

"The river." Kurogane grabbed his sandals and headed for the door. "Go to the witch if you still want to talk to her. I think I've figured out where he is."

"Kurogane-kun! Wait just a moment!"

"There isn't time to wait!" He looked over his shoulder. "I'll bring him back. And this time he won't be leaving again, all right?"

0o0o0o0o0o0

The river was still high from the rainfall and the flood. There had only been a few scattered showers since, but the endless downpours from weeks ago had done their work so thoroughly that it would be some time before the water fell back to a comfortable level. The riverbank itself was a sloppy mess, and there was very little ground that wasn't covered in mud or standing water.

Kurogane kicked off his sandals and slipped through the unsteady ground looking for footprints. He couldn't quite be sure which point Fai would come from, or if he had come here at all, but he knew if he didn't check all of his options, he might miss an important clue and arrive too late. He had a feeling that he had guessed correctly about Fai coming to the river. Departing from the world the same way Yui had surely held meaning for him, as foolish as it was.

"Oi!" he called out, scanning the ground and then the waters. "You know that I'm not going to let you die! You've always known that, so stop it with this stupid game!"

Kurogane followed the riverbank further down and paused to listen for any disturbance in the water that could be Fai struggling for his life. Along with the steady push of the waves, there was something faint in the distance, something like an animal crying out or the rasp of someone who couldn't breathe. He held his breath and approached closer. He heard a cough, and then the labored sound of someone panting and choking on the air.

He ran ahead as fast as his legs could carry him through the slippery mud, and found Fai washed up on the shoreline, his body still half in the water and slowly being pulled back by the weight his robes. His hair was drenched and plastered to his face, and water poured out from his lips as he repeatedly choked into the ground.

"Hold on!" Kurogane knelt down and hauled Fai the rest of the way out of the water. Fai immediately began to retch out everything he had swallowed before collapsing into the ground, his chest heaving and his breath unsteady.

Kurogane reached down and gathered him in arms, pressing his body close to his chest to warm him. He was heavy with the weight of the water his clothes had absorbed, but Kurogane did his best to keep a steady grip on him as he worked through the mud and tried to get them set back on the path, back to where he could return and get Fai warm and dry and safe again.

"Kuro... rin..." Fai murmured into Kurogane's neck. "Help... me... please."

"Just keep holding onto me. I'm not going to let you die like this, you understand?"

"Don't... want... to... die."

"Of course you don't. You haven't even begun to live yet. You can't give up on everything now."

"Kuro...rin..." Fai's body went limp, but his breathing was even enough to where Kurogane was certain he would be fine as long as he was dried off and treated quickly.

"You idiot," Kurogane sighed, wiping some of the wet hair from his forehead. "Punishing yourself and everyone else isn't going to bring him back. Nothing will."

His arms straining, he carried Fai the rest of the way back to his home, and set him down on his mattress to begin peeling off his clothes. Given the circumstances, he did his best to empty his mind and not dwell on the fact of Fai's naked body beneath him, cold and unnaturally white. When Fai was undressed, he gathered together some of the wood he had not yet used for furniture and piled it into the hearth to light a fire.

It was another hour before Fai woke up from his rest. He rubbed his eyes and tried to clear his throat, but started coughing and choking all over again. Kurogane handed him a cup of water and waited quietly as he gulped it down.

Fai set the cup aside and gazed up at Kurogane with cloudy blue eyes. "So I didn't die, then," he said in a raspy voice. "I suppose I have you to thank for that, Kurogane."

"Mmm."

"And you just happened to be wandering by the river?"

"Your cousin told me you'd run off. When I thought about it, it wasn't too difficult to figure out what you'd done." He grabbed a towel from the wardrobe and threw it down on Fai's head. "You do know that even if you had died the same way he did, you still wouldn't be able to understand how he felt. Your death wouldn't have solved or clarified anything."

"But it would have ended something." He ran the towel through his hair. "You should have just left me to die."

"That wasn't what you wanted."

"Yes, it was."

"No, it wasn't." Kurogane leaned forward and grabbed Fai's jaw in his hands. "You saw it, didn't you? You almost reached that point where everything was gone, and you turned back because you didn't want to die. If you hadn't made that choice, I wouldn't have been able to save you in time." When Fai simply stared at him with defiant silence, he drew away with a disgusted huff and went back to the hearth to stoke the fire.

"Kurogane... how can you still see a point to anything?" Fai demanded as Kurogane took his anger out on the logs. "Yui's dead, your parents are dead, Clow is dead, and all we do is go through life and wait to die and one by one lose everyone else around us."

"So? That doesn't change the fact that you were given a life. It's your own fault if you can't be selfish enough to take something from it." Kurogane gave the logs a hearty slam with his poker and watched the sparks fly into a frenzy. "It's fine. Fine to be mad at me. I don't care."

"Kurogane?"

"You can be mad at me. Mad at yourself. Mad at your cousin for marrying the banshee and mad at the banshee for not having a better hold on herself. Mad at the child for not being a boy, mad at the banshee's father for wanting a son, mad at the witch for not having unlimited power to keep everyone safe, mad at the gods for not stopping the flood, mad at fate for being so cruel. And it's fine to be mad at your brother for taking everything on himself and never realizing he was hurting you. But no matter how mad you are, the past isn't going to change, and neither will the actions we took. All you can do is change the path you're taking and change the future you're heading to so you can keep what happened from happening again. Or you can give up. But as long as I'm here, that's not the future I desire. And I will stop you."

Fai didn't say anything for a long time, and when Kurogane finally turned around to look at him, he saw that he was crying.

"K-kurogane," he said, wiping at his eyes. "You're angry with me, aren't you?"

"Yes. If I wasn't, you'd just behave the way you always do and would never change."

"Me, too. I'm f-furious with you. You're two years younger than me, and you act like you know everything. You're unbelievably cruel, and you don't understand even a fraction of everything I feel right now. I c-can't believe I ever fell in love with someone as harsh as you." He covered his eyes with his hands, partway veiling his flushed, damp cheeks. "And Yui. I miss him every second with all that I am, but you're right. I'm angry. Why did he never tell me anything? Instead of leaving us to watch that entire flood in that stupid tree, why didn't... why didn't he just talk to me?"

Kurogane sighed and sat next to Fai on the mattress. Fai rested his head on Kurogane's shoulder, crying quietly into the sleeve of his shirt. "I don't know," he said simply. "And never will."

"Well, then think of something to say to make me feel better. If I'm going to be staying here, you shouldn't make me feel worse than I already do, Kuro-chan."

Kuro-chan. The name rang through Kurogane's head. It wasn't the heal-all to everything that had drowned in the flood, but it was the first step on the bridge to cross over it. Nothing had been forgiven, but nothing needed to be. All he needed was for Fai to care about him enough to not see the wounds they had given each other as reason enough to let go.

"I won't go back to Ashura's," Fai continued, brushing the last of his tears away. "He already has someone to help him through everything. He doesn't need me."

"That was never in question. The minute you stepped foot in this village, you were going to be back with me. Reviving all the crops is out of the question this season, but when I can start working again, I'll make enough money to support both of us."

Fai pursed his lips. "Now, that doesn't seem quite right. You may be a giant, but you're still just a kid. I should be the one looking after you."

"You're the one without his head on straight. If I let you lead me around, I'll be the next one stuck in the river."

"So cruel." Fai crawled to his feet and began digging through Kurogane's partially broken shelves. "Well, here's a start. You're going to need something to eat sooner or later. There isn't much I can do, but I can at least do this. Yui taught me plenty of what he knew about cooking."

Kurogane balled up the sheets and threw them at Fai. "A-at least put something on, would you?"

"Put something on?" Fai looked down, and lifted an eyebrow. "You did this? How forward of you."

"I'm not stupid enough to leave someone asleep in dripping wet clothes. I don't have time to deal with another fever, okay?"

"I see." Fai wrapped the sheets around his shoulders and closed his eyes. "Will this really be okay, Kuro-chan? You don't have much room here to begin with. And as you get older, I might become a bother to you."

"Shut up," Kurogane advised. "Don't go around acting like it's already happened when it hasn't."

"Hmm. But I wonder. Kuro-chan is reaching that age where so much is subject to change. Is this second chance you're giving me here going to last?" He leaned against the wall and tilted his head back. "And I really don't want to be tempted into making the same mistake twice."

"Oi, what are you talking about?"

"Oh? Nothing. Is Ashura still in the area?"

"He's probably with the witch at the moment."

"Good. Then we can get my things together so I don't have to continue to walk around in a sheet. Until then, can I use your work clothes?"

Kurogane pulled them from the wardrobe and tossed them over. Underneath them was the silk Yuuko had returned to him, the one he had spent all of his hard-earned money on not so long ago. As soon as Fai saw it, he dropped Kurogane's clothes to the floor and approached it slowly. After running his fingers against it as if reacquainting himself with an old lover, he lifted it up and pressed it against his chest, closing his eyes and exhaling slowly.

"Hey," Kurogane said softly. Fai seemed to be under a spell and he hated to break it, but already the sheet was beginning to slip from Fai's shoulders to expose the beautiful lines of his back.

"I really am an idiot," Fai said, burying his face in the silk. He held it there for a minute, and when he finally turned to look over his shoulder, the way moisture still clung to his lashes and his eyes seemed to search Kurogane's for some sort of answer or assurance was so striking that Kurogane could not think of anything more to say, and simply stared and waited for the pulse firing through his body to slow.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

He woke up early the next morning as the first light of the sun broke over the horizon. Fai was asleep beside him on the mattress, curled up so his back was pressed against Kurogane's arm and shoulder. Convenience had demanded they share both the blankets and mattress since Kurogane had nothing more to offer in the way of bedding, but he was beginning to wonder now if it was a good idea. Fai was an active sleeper, someone who grabbed for whatever was nearby to keep himself warmer, burrowing into it and smothering it in his arms. Kurogane had gotten slightly accustomed to it after a few hours, but he doubted he would ever get used to the sight of Fai slumbering with his blonde hair falling over his eyes and cheeks, his slim body swimming in the clothes Kurogane had lent to him. His arms and legs were much longer than Kurogane's, but his chest and shoulder were narrower, and whenever he moved, Kurogane could catch a glimpse of his delicate collarbone and the glorious faint flush of his skin.

He propped himself up in their bed, balling his fists into his hair. You can forget about love, Fai had said, but he didn't think he could forget anymore. It wasn't something he could erase and rewrite to suit the occasion, at least not immediately. He didn't understand it fully, but something deeper within him than just his mind or even his body both wanted and needed the presence of Fai, as infuriating and foolish as he was. He was an essential element, a part of Kurogane himself, and as hard as it was to go to bed peacefully beside such a person, he did not like the thought of waking up without him there anymore. Even if the future was not certain and subject to change as he grew older and more aware of himself, surely this need, as natural to him as his own blood and bones, would not go away.

"Really am an idiot," he said to himself, biting his lower lip. Fai shifted in his sleep and opened his lips just slightly, and even if he had no more love to give and had closed any further progress down that road, Kurogane was for that moment glad that he had fallen in love with the person there resting at his side.

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