Damnation

Chapter 4 - Damage

Two days after the farm incident...

Daryl didn't get what was so different at first. He looked up with a frown and listened, trying to make out the change. It was quiet. Too quiet. The hunter frowned and looked at his friend, who he had put on one of the filthy mattresses he had found downstairs. Connor was lying there on his back, fresh and white bandages around his injured arm and shoulder. Daryl had wrapped him in a whole bunch of blankets because whenever he touched his friend he was freezing cold. But this wasn't the problem now. The problem was that something was different and the hunter didn't have a clue what it was. He just stared and listened for a second, until he finally understood what was going on.

"No!" he yelled and dropped everything, trying his hardest to get to his friend as fast as possible.

Now he knew what was wrong, why it was too quiet.
Connor's raspy breathing had stopped and his friend was just lying there, chest neither rising nor falling.

"No you stupid prick!" Daryl yelled and placed his head on the Irishman's chest.

No breathing. No heartbeat. The hunter stared at his friend's pale face with wide eyes and started pumping his chest.

"No no no no no!" he muttered as he kept pumping and pumping.

Suddenly it felt like he was back inside the shed. Right after he had cut Connor's rope. His friend was about to die, and he needed to do something. Pumping and pumping and still no breathing. Daryl stared at Connor in horror until his eyes lingered on his friends mouth. He pressed his lips together and kept pumping, but he knew that he needed to do this. He knew the consequences, knew the danger, but right now he was so panicked that he ignored everything, the infection, the possibility of his best friend being a walker, and leaned down to perform a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He didn't want Connor to die. So he kept pumping and pumping and breathing and breathing for the blonde until he finally heard the reassuring and yet terrifying violent coughing.

Daryl fell back and sat down on the ground, moving both his hands through his hair with an awkward gasp. He was just as shocked as Connor, who was staring at him with wide eyes and wouldn't stop coughing. Both men just kept staring at each other, Daryl's eyes being nothing but slids, Connor's eyes opened wide in terror.

"Don't you ever do that again you asshole" the hunter finally managed to say, but it looked like the Irishman didn't even really hear him or know what was going on.

And when Daryl saw the look on his friend's face he had doubts for the first time. No, he was even scared. So many questions were going through his mind now, buzzing and buzzing and bugging him. What if Connor really couldn't make it and would die sooner or later? He couldn't do this forever. He couldn't bring him back forever. What if there was too much damage? He leaned forward when the Irishman's head fell to the side again. He felt his pulse, checked his chest for a heartbeat and steady breathing. Everything was there. Everything was working. Connor was just unconscious again. Or was he? Daryl let out another awkward gasp and kept staring at his friend's face. What if the infection had done too much damage already? He remembered the look on Connor's face. What if his brain was damaged because of the fever, what if this wasn't just the infection, what if those were proper strokes?

Connor had to be done. It was over. For both of them. Daryl tried to clean his lips. He had come in direct contact with his friend's body fluids when he had tried to get him to breathe again. What if he was infected now? He hadn't been thinking. He shouldn't have done it. Carol was right. He should have let that bastard go. This was too much. Too much responsibility. Too much caring, too much hurt. Too much confusion and fear. He needed to get the hell out of here. Daryl got up with a grunt and headed for the ladder as fast as he could, still wiping his mouth and spitting to get anything infected off of him.

Three weeks after the farm incident...

They were lying on two mattresses, trying to get some sleep before tracking their group down the next day. Connor had gone through a miraculous recovery, and apart from his healing wounds and a few coughing fits every once in a while he was doing fine. He could stay on his feet most of the day again, being somewhat strong enough to make it through. The nausea and all his throwing up blood had stopped completely, and except for the pain in his arm most of the cramps had stopped as well, which was why they had decided to make their way back to Rick and the other people. Neither of them could really sleep, no matter how secure the attic really was, and it weren't exactly the walkers they were afraid of. Just thinking about the group's possible reaction made them both cringe.

When Rick and the others had left Daryl with Connor they had made it pretty clear that they didn't really believe in a possible recovery, but they had still given the hunter the chance to try to safe his friend on his own. Connor had made it, now they just needed to find out what the others thought about it, if they wanted someone with them who could be infectious and dangerous. Daryl didn't believe in any of this, he wouldn't have been able to sleep otherwise. Maybe he had been a bit stubborn and foolish at first, but results had shown that there was no need to worry. He had been with his friend for a couple of weeks now, and he hadn't turned, and neither had Connor managed to bite him or kill him or infect him or do anything the others had been so afraid of.

"Yah asleep?" Daryl murmured and turned his head to look at the man on the other mattress.

Connor turned his head and looked at him as well.

"Does it look like et?"

The hunter snorted and stared at the ceiling again. They kept quiet for a while, until the Irishman shifted.

"Do ye really wanna go back t'them?"

Daryl nodded after a while.

"Yeah. Sure. Group's grown on me."

Connor turned his head and looked at his friend, who chuckled after a moment.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, just thought 'bout something stupid."

"Like what?"

The hunter shrugged.

"Yah remember all the things I did and said at first cos yah were so annoying?"

Connor snorted and stared at the ceiling again.

"Aye. How could I ferget that shit."

"Now that I think about it, could get used to the whole thing."

"What thing?"

Daryl scratched his nose and shook his head absently.

"The whole two men group thing."

Connor chuckled.

"Oh how sweet, she's admitting her feelings fer me."

The hunter frowned and turned his head to look at his friend.

"Yah stupid?"

"What's up next, te big revelation?"

Daryl growled.

"Oh shut up, I don't mean like that."

"Want some more alone time with me?" Connor went on and grinned.

"I said shut up!"

"Wanna cuddle?"

"I'm warning yah!"

The Irishman laughed even more and sighed.

"Alright. It's okay. I was just shitting you."

"Screw yah" Daryl growled and turned his back on his friend. Connor smirked and looked at his back for a while.

"Love ye, too, Darylena."

"I swear t'fucking god, 'm gonna kill yah."

The Irishman chuckled once more and shook his head. He sighed and fell quiet, lost in thoughts for a moment.

"Eh Daryl?"

"What is it now, yah annoying freak."

"Should I ever die and turn all of a sudden..."

"Yah ain't gonna turn, yah obviously can't y.."

"I know, but if it ever happens, don't fucking hesitate again."

Daryl turned around and looked at his friend in surprise.

"What?"

"Should I ever turn then I want ye t'promise me that yer gonna pull the trigger this time. Really pull it."

They just stared at each other. Daryl snorted and turned around again.

"Certainly gonna promise yah that 'm gonna pull it way before that if yah keep annoying the crap outta me."

now...

Daryl was pacing up and down the turned over bus for what felt like the millionth time. Most of the group were sitting around the campfire whereas he, Rick and Connor were keeping watch on the surrounding area. The Irishman and the leader of the group were walking up and down the fences on each side of the field, and it was Daryl's turn to just keep an eye on the gate that led back outside. They had managed to get their cars inside as well, and since they were lined up right on the other side of the gate the hunter doubted that any sort of walker mob would be piling up on it anyway, but they could never be careful enough. He would turn around every once in a while to look how Rick and Connor were doing, especially how his friend was doing. Ever since they had cleaned out the field the Irishman had gone back to ignoring him, and it was still driving the hunter insane. He thought he did not deserve this after everything they had been through, after everything he had done for him.

Daryl was still firmly convinced that the reasons why his friend decided to stay away from them were completely and utterly stupid and insane. Yeah, he kind of understood that Connor was afraid of infecting anyone with the version of the virus he obviously seemed to carry. The whole group had made it pretty clear that they didn't trust him and decided to stay out of his reach. Daryl knew the truth. Connor couldn't turn anyone, and the fact the group was thinking he could annoyed the crap out of him. And this wasn't the only problem. Not only the group was handling the infection the wrong way, the Irishman was doing just the same. No matter how many walkers seemed to ignore Connor because of that strange peculiarity, there had been a few who had reacted differently to it by now. He had seen it just a couple of hours ago. He had tried to tell his friend a couple of times, that maybe the infection was fading and that he was becoming "normal" again, which meant that there was no need to stay away from anyone anymore, but Connor had simply been too stubborn to listen to him properly.

Daryl sighed and shook his head. He could see the Irishman pacing up and down the fence to his left, and every once in a while he would stop walking and placed his hand on the fence. He was pretty sure that there were other walkers who seemed to ignore his friend again. The hunter growled and turned around. He didn't even want to see it. It was still creeping him out. His whole overprotectiveness was creeping him out. Just a couple of months ago he had tried anything to get rid of that whiny Irishman. He had been praying to god that Connor would just leave him alone and stop following him, and he had beaten him bloody more than once because of that. And here he was now, months later, and just the idea of his friend leaving him was freaking him out. Now that Connor had stopped being so goddamn clingy and called him Daryl instead of Murphy the guy had really grown on him. When they had been alone for all those months it had made their friendship even stronger, almost to a point where he had become some sort of replacement for Murphy and Connor had become a replacement for Merle. They had really become some sort of brothers, a team of their own, but now that they were back together with the group their whole relationship had gone to shit again, only that it was Connor who was withdrawing from him this time and not the other way round.

Daryl startled when he heard the rustling of grass below. He grabbed his crossbow and looked down, only to see that Carol was trying to get up and join him. He sighed and threw his weapon over his shoulder so he could give her a hand and help her up. The hunter glared at the plate she had brought with her. He inspected the food and looked at her with a frown.

"It's not much, but if I don't bring you something, you won't eat at all."

Daryl knew that it was true. For the past couple of days he had gone hunting and brought little food back with him, and most of the time he had given his rations to the people who needed it more than him. A couple of months ago it had been Connor, now he was giving pregnant Lori most of his food. He looked at Carol for a second, then he started eating and nodded.

"Yeah, I guess little Shane over there has got quite the appetite" he murmured and made Carol snort.

"Don't be mean" she said and smirked. "Rick's gotten us a lot farther than I ever thought he would, I'll give him that."

He nodded and looked at the rest of the group.

"Would've gotten a lot farther if yah people stopped bitchin about him all the time" he murmured when he remembered all the discussions he had witnessed for the past couple of days. Carol didn't seem to have heard him, because she kept talking.

"Shane could never have done that" she murmured and sighed.

They were quiet for a while, and Carol turned her head to watch Connor, who was coming closer by now.

"He still not talking to you?"

Daryl shrugged and put another handful of food in his mouth.

"Dumbass's just bitchy cos he ain't got none of his precious cancer sticks left."

Carol snorted once more and chuckled.

"Yeah, if he does talk, then he won't stop complaining about that."

Daryl nodded eagerly and laughed once.

"Should've seen and heard him the first couple of weeks when he run out. Unbearable."

They both watched the Irishman a little while longer until Daryl sighed.

"He don't wanna stay" he said quietly and Carol turned around to look at him.

"What? Why?"

Daryl looked at the woman opposite him for a while and swallowed some of the food.

"Yah know why" he muttered in reference to what he had heard yesterday night.

The talk Carol and Beth had had when they had thought that no one could hear them.

He's creeping me out. What if he infects us or turns? I don't want him near us.

Carol just looked at him for a while and sighed.

"He's just making me feel uncomfortable whenever he's around. The whole group feels the same way about him in fact. Sometimes I think, what if he turns all of a sudden and kills us when we're sleeping?"

Daryl snorted and frowned.

"Don't be stupid, he's still the same guy. He might be a dumbass leprechaun, but he's got his heart in the right place. He'd never hurt any of you. Didn't hurt a single hair on my head for the past couple of months. And it ain't contagious. Highly unlikely that dumbass's gonna infect anyone. I'm living proof. 'm still standing here, ain't I?"

Carol sighed and nodded.

"I know. We know. But still. I just can't fight that feeling of unease whenever he's around. It's just...not natural. I don't trust this."

"Well, if it helps yah sleep, I can tell you that we got our little arrangement. Gonna shoot the guy, should he ever turn."

"Well, you couldn't do it last time."

Daryl fell quiet and just glared at Carol. Yeah, he knew how last time had ended. But his weakness was the very reason Connor was still alive, so he kept his opinion to himself instead of yelling at Carol again. He noticed that she wouldn't stop moving and massaging her right shoulder. Daryl ate the rest of his food and just watched her for a moment.

"What's wrong?" he asked and she looked at him.

"It's that rifle. The kickback. I'm just not used to it."

Daryl just stared at her shoulder for a moment. His mind was racing. He knew what he could do and should do, but there was still that part in him that just wanted to shut his brain off completely. That was another thing. He hated to admit it, but it had also been Connor who had taught him that physical contact wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Just a couple of months ago, before he had met his friend, he would have run away from any sort of physical contact, and whenever the Irishman had tried to touch or hug him the first couple of weeks he had fought his way out of it. But due to Connor's obstinacy he had been forced to get used to it, and now he was comfortable enough with the whole thing that he could actually return some of it. He put his plate down and grunted.

"Hold on" he murmured and cleaned his hands.

He still felt awkward and tense because of the whole thing, but he ended up massaging Carol's shoulder nevertheless. The hunter could feel how tense her shoulder really was, so he tried to loosen it up as could as he could. Carol turned her head after a while and smiled at him, which made him feel awkward all over again. He let go of her and looked at her.

"Better get back, check on that stupid leprechaun" he murmured and adjusted his crossbow because it was about to slide down his arm.

"That was pretty romantic" Carol said and didn't seem to want to let it go. "Wanna screw around?"

For a second he just glared at her, completely taken aback. He was used to this sort of joking around, simply because Connor had been annoying him with it all the time. He had never heard Carol say something like that, no woman in general, which was why he didn't really know how to react to it.

"Pff" he answered, but couldn't fight a smile then. Carol started grinning and laughing, which made him smile even more. He liked this new Carol a lot more, because he could somewhat stop blaming himself for the loss of her daughter. He chuckled and shook his head.

"I'll go down first" he murmured as he tried to get off the bus.

"Even better" Carol answered and giggled even more.

Daryl glared at her and frowned, because it was reminding him way too much of Connor's weird humor now.

"Stop" he growled and jumped down.

"Please don't feed the animals" Connor heard Daryl say and turned around.

He had been lost in thoughts for a moment, staring at a walker on the other side of the fence. He saw how his friend came closer, with a poncho strapped around his shoulders and the crossbow on his back. The Irishman snorted and waited for him.

"Saw yer little flirting session with Carol over there, yer a womanizer now?" he countered and Daryl snorted as well.

"Why, yah jealous?"

"Why, are ye cheating on me?"

Connor chuckled when his friend tried to hit his shoulder and started walking again.

"Careful, don't touch what you can't afford, Darylena."

"Nah, screw yah" Daryl growled and they started walking down the fence.

He waited for Connor to say something, to keep their constant banter going, but once again the Irishman would just stop talking.

"Yah still thinking about leaving?" the hunter murmured and looked at his friend. Connor moved his hands in his pockets and shrugged.

"Well, look at this prison, looks pretty comfy, don't it? They got nice fences and everything, Lori can give birth ta her little fella, they're gonna be safe and sound. So no need t'worry and feel guilty or anything. So yeah, aye."

Daryl snorted.

"I ain't gonna leave. It can be a safe place for us as well."

"People don't want me here, man. And I don't know if I want me t'be with people either."

The younger man rolled his eyes and growled.

"Don't talk bullshit, of course people want yah here. Yer a good fighter, you protect the group just fine."

Connor snorted.

"And ye think I couldn't hear what you and Carol were talking 'bout?"

Daryl took a deep breath and sighed. He could see her walking back to the group, and Rick was returning as well.
It looked like they were all watching them now, watching and waiting.

"It's just Carol, man. Believe me, they want yah here."

The Irishman frowned and searched his pockets absently, only to curse himself once more. Oh right, no fucking cigarettes. Old habits die hard.

"You've seen the looks they're giving me all te time, and damn right ye heard them yesterday. You saw te look on their faces when we got back."

"Stop being such a whiny pussy 'bout it. What do yah want 'em to do? Bring you flowers? Smile at you, make goo-goo eyes atcha? Grow up."

"Fuck you" Connor growled and checked the fence to their left. Daryl sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose.

"Look, I get what yer aiming at, and yeah, I've seen and heard 'em talk about yah more than once. But I don't care, I want yah here, you stupid ass. You can't just turn your back on us, on me, after everything I've done for you freak."

Connor sighed and looked down. Oh how he hated when his friend played that card. He turned around and looked at Daryl.

"Well then, leave with me" he said and the hunter frowned.

"What?"

"You said so yerself, ye could get used t'it. 't was a pretty neat time out there. Tough shit aside. Ye know we two work just fine. Truth be told, I don't need anyone anymore, but I don't wanna go out there on my own. And I certainly don't wanna turn my back on yer ugly face, fer obvious reasons. But I just don't wanna stay with this group anymore. I just fucking can't. Not only because of the large number af people 'm putting at risk here everyday 'm near them with this stupid infection, but also cos I don't like te new Rick. He's changed."

Daryl just eyed Connor for a while.

"Rick ain't no bad guy."

"Aye. Maybe. But he ain't no good guy either. Not anymore."

The hunter raised an eyebrow.

"Who is these days? Yah certainly ain't a good guy either, depending on yer view on things. Hell, even I ain't no good guy, and the whole good guy-bad guy thing is just stupid. Seriously. There ain't no black and white here anymore. There never has been."

The Irishman just looked at him for a while and sighed.

"I know..just..just leave me alone fer a bit, aye? I need ta think this shit through."

Both men wouldn't stop staring at each other until the younger shook his head and sighed.

"Whatever" he growled and turned around to leave.