A/N: Hey, everyone! Looks like I'll be posting a day early, since I'll be going on an unexpected road trip to Niagra Falls tomorrow during my regular posting time. I figured you guys wouldn't mind! As I said, I have a little bit of a treat for you guys following this epilogue, but since I want you to read it first, I'll clue you in at the end of this chapter.
This chapter takes place near the end of Kurogane's conversation with the Fai of TRC/One Soul, which can be found in Chapter 4 of One Soul. In short, Fai is being a post-Tokyo angst-muffin, and Kurogane is having none of it. And for those of who you asked, Kurogane is about 49 years-old, which puts Yuuko at about 64. Both would be considered pretty dang old for living in a time with only basic medicine available.
Enjoy, and thanks for reviewing!
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Epilogue: Infinitely Cruel, Infinitely Kind
Ten years later
"You know," Fai said, his voice breaking at the sound of his mouth saying the words he had so long locked inside of himself. "Towards you, I-"
Kurogane stared into Fai's good eye, holding his breath. It was the blue he remembered, the blue of a sky on a sunny day, the blue of a robin's egg. If he forgot everything having to do with his better judgment and chose to be as selfish as he had been before falling in love with Fai, he could almost pretend that the person standing in front of him was the Fai of his memories, the young man who had confessed to him so earnestly under the sakura trees, while still extending only half of his heart. It can't be just a joke anymore. He shook his head. The words he was on the verge of hearing weren't meant for him. He had received this promise of love already, both before it was ready to be given and when he had most needed to hear it returned. The person these words belonged to was someone else, another man that bore his soul, but a separate person who had a history with this Fai that Kurogane knew next to nothing about.
He lifted up his hand. "I know," he said, cutting Fai short. "I always did." He thought of the young Fai clinging to him, insisting they were soulmates, planning a wedding that was not so near as lovely as the one they had shared in reality. He had denied Fai in the beginning, but a part of him had known that Fai's feelings, as incomplete as they were back then, were as sincere as they were capable of being. "But if you don't trust in it, it doesn't do you or me any good. So get your head on straight and figure out what it is you want before you end up losing your only chance to have it."
Fai stared back at him defiantly for a moment. You don't understand, he seemed to say. You don't have a single clue. And in a way, Kurogane didn't. He perfectly knew his Fai, his second soul, but this person had suffered pain outside of his knowledge, outside of his control. But still, they were so similar. They had both lost something precious to them. They both struggled to forgive themselves, to overcome the doubt with which they faced the future. That much Kurogane did understand. But everything else he did not know, he was certain the person who loved this Fai knew or would soon learn. Fai seemed to have shut himself away from anyone who dared to approach him too closely, but the fractured nature of his heart meant there were cracks for someone who loved and wanted to protect him truly to slip through.
"Go back," Kurogane said once again. As much as that blue eye held him, he knew this was not his soul to keep.
He watched Fai's back as he ambled down the path in that particular way of his, slouched and careless as if he was taking a simple afternoon stroll, but yet still visibly wrapped up in his internal tempest as his head bent towards the path, glaring at it for its unchangeable nature and singular destination. Kurogane wanted to yell after him that once it reached the city, it supposedly branched off into many different directions and opened up into the rest of the world, but knowing that small piece of information would hardly change anything. As hard as it was to watch someone who looked nearly equal to the person he loved walking away from him, he was the one who had shown him the door.
He would repeat it over and over again to his heart, until it could remember to be strong again. This Fai was not his. As much as they looked like each other, the Fai who had grown up beside him and died in his arms could not return. There is one wish that cannot be granted...
Kurogane turned away from the door and sank down into the cushion he left permanently in front of the family shrine. The stick of incense still burned in front of Fai's portrait, reminding him that even though his afternoon had been interrupted, the day itself had not escaped him. It was still what he had been dreading, the ten year anniversary of Fai's death. The unavoidable revelation that their souls existed elsewhere- seemingly endless elsewheres, if the manifestation of Fai was to be believed- could only soothe the wound so much.
"So that was what the witch meant all this time," Kurogane muttered. "With all her vague rambling about the souls and other worlds. Could have just said so clearly."
Would you have listened to her, though?
Kurogane snorted in disdain. The voice of reason in his head was starting to sound a little too much like Fai for his liking. When had Fai ever been reasonable enough to earn the honor of preaching to him in his head, he wondered?
He was right, though. If Yuuko had told him that someone who looked and acted just like Fai was toying with his heart on a multi-dimensional scale, he would have told her to lay off the alcohol. It took Fai's presence and voice for him to believe it, because it had been the fact of Fai standing in front of him that had made him care enough to listen. He wasn't so much interested in how things would turn out between Fai and himself in other worlds- he had enough faith in his soul not to concern himself too much- but more in the fact that he could at last get a grasp on the concept of what a soul's journey entailed. This was what he was waiting and wishing for year after year, for both Fai and himself.
He glanced back at the portrait, his lips at last tilting upwards in a half-smile. He wasn't the only one waiting. That was certain, now.
"I should go back to the fields," he said to Fai, although he made no move to stand up. The witch had given him permission to take the day off, so there was really no reason to return. He was nearly resolved to retire in the first place. He had enough money to last him the rest of his life, he was sure, and the farming itself was no longer what he wanted. It had been meaningful back when he had supported Fai through his work, but now he was more interested in the medical records Doumeki brought back from his annual visit to the capital which discussed new theories on how the brain worked. He had trouble making sense of most of it, but the uncertainty of the knowledge was what made him reread them over and over again whenever he had a moment. An answer rested in there somewhere, buried beneath the foreign ideas that had yet to be fleshed out.
But even that could not motivate him to move today. His mind kept turning back and forth between the Fai who had invaded his life that morning to the one he had known all of his life, a sadness still fresh in his heart even though ten years had passed. All I do is cause you pain. It would be better for you if our paths had never crossed. What did that idiot know about anything? Fai had given him plenty of pain in his lifetime, from their meeting right up until their parting, but all of it Kurogane had loved so much that its absence formed an even greater hole in his heart. Surely it was the same for every piece of his soul that existed. The pain was not always such a bad thing; in many ways, it was the most precious thing he had left.
With a sigh, Kurogane rose to his feet, pulling off his work clothes and replacing them with his black formal wear. Other than his work clothes, it was the only thing he owned that Fai hadn't made. It felt a bit odd to have to pull it out once a year, but he preferred not having to wear one of Fai's creations in mourning. They had all been made with such joy, given as gifts year by year with Fai smiling eagerly while Kurogane put each piece on and then pulling them off with an even bigger smile. The mourning clothes were meant only to be worn in sorrow, and then promptly stowed so he would not dwell on it.
After he was dressed, he pulled out a bottle of sake and poured it into the small bucket he used at the well. As tempted as he was to drink some himself, he resisted the thought. There would be plenty more of that later courtesy of the witch, and this was the bottle he had bought solely for Fai.
Taking up the bucket and ladle, Kurogane left the house and began walking down the path. Most of the workers had already turned in, but the few that remained pulled off their hats and bowed when they saw him. They were probably curious about the Fai that had shown up that afternoon right in front of them, but he decided he wouldn't tell them anything about it. He would retire, after all, and happily keep this secret of his to himself.
He was the first to arrive at the grave. Fai's ashes rested beside Yui's, marked by a narrow granite slab inscribed with his name. Kurogane knelt before it, using the ladle to pour sake down its front and wash it clean. Setting the bucket aside, he clapped his hands together and closed his eyes.
"Everything I have to say..." he murmured, trailing off. "You'll be there to hear it with me. I'll find you again. Time and time again. As long as it takes."
A small hand touched his shoulder, and a moment later both Ashura and Yasha were kneeling with him beside the grave. They were well past being children at this point, but Kurogane couldn't help but see them that way. Like the elder Ashura once had, Ashura-chan looked perennially young, fresh faced, and lovely. Fortune had treated the pair well in the past years. Shashi's family had only been able to bear a new crop of daughters, so the estate passed down by rights to Ashura-chan's hands since the family had never been able to get Ashura-san to clarify the issue of gender, giving them a home and living more substantial than they had ever thought of having. Even though Ashura-san and Taishakuten had both passed away only a few years following Fai, the two were able to build a new life together as the principal land owners in the village. They still came to visit regularly, claiming that they were concerned about Kurogane's frequent lapses in buying enough food to cook for himself.
Watanuki and Doumeki were the next to arrive. Like Kurogane, they were beginning to show their age in the lines of their faces, but both were still as healthy as ever. Watanuki in particular was continuing to mellow out as he grew older, and it took quite a bit more effort on Doumeki's part to get him annoyed enough to engage in one of his shrieking fits. Luckily, Doumeki was still as willing as ever to take that effort in order to keep things lively every now and then.
They sat there quietly for a long time, sending their prayers to Fai, and even the many others that surrounded him: Yui, Clow, Haruka, and the parents they had lost so long ago. Watanuki had brought flowers with him, and arranged them neatly in front of the headstone.
"How have you been, ojisan?" Ashura asked at length. "Have you been eating?"
"Fine, fine," Kurogane said brusquely. "I'm going to stop working in the fields. And I don't need a kid worrying about me."
Ashura smiled in relief. Clearly his continued days of physical labor were getting to be a concern. Kurogane wanted to remind Ashura that he was still strong enough to take out everyone assembled, with the possible exception of Yasha, but he decided it didn't matter. Ashura had the best of intentions, and Kurogane had to grudgingly admit that if Fai was still alive, he'd be worrying about the exact same things.
Doumeki helped Watanuki to his feet. "We'll head back and give you some more time alone. If you need anything, come to the shrine and ask us."
"Us, too, ojisan," Ashura said. "I know it's been ten years, but still..."
"Yeah."
It was quiet in the small graveyard once they'd left, but Kurogane was perceptive enough to notice he was not alone. He turned his head. Yuuko was seated a few rows behind him, threading flowers around Clow's grave.
"Were you courteous to your visitor this morning?" she asked, studying him with her unreadable eyes. Her black hair had turned a bright white over the years, but other than a few wrinkles here and there, she looked rather spry for an old woman. Her skin, at the very least, had fared better than Kurogane's, which had gotten a bit leathery from all his years of labor.
"You knew?"
"I was told, yes. The one who sent them on their journey was concerned about the effect it might have on you."
Kurogane snorted. "I'm used to dealing with that guy. It was just unexpected, that's all."
"I have told you for years, you know. The soul within you is not the only piece that exists." She shook her head. "How was he? I imagine he was similar in mannerisms to the person you knew, but yet different in small ways."
"He was gloomy," Kurogane answered. "It runs in the family."
Yuuko laughed lightly. "And I'm sure the Kurogane-kun at his side battles with that part of him regularly."
"Yeah. Although things didn't seem to be going too well."
"I supposed so. That person is wrapped up in something big, something that will influence every world that exists, even ours. As a player in so large a game, it is only natural for his heart to be tangled and wrested out of what he perceives to be his control."
"Nothing bad is going to happen, is it?"
Yuuko closed her eyes. "The outcome to this, as with anything, will be neither bad nor good. There will be both joy and pain from it, and happiness and suffering. But any further, I do not know. I will not be here to see the end of that dream."
Kurogane tilted his head. He couldn't be sure if Yuuko was speaking of going somewhere else, or if she was aware that she would not live for much longer. She was one of the oldest people still living in the village, but Kurogane had thought she might somehow live forever. She seemed like the kind of person who came and went as she pleased, overseeing everything with the distant amusement of a deity, ageless and eternal.
"All things that live must die," Yuuko said, as if she could read Kurogane's thoughts. "And I, too, have someone who is waiting for me."
She placed a hand on Clow's gravestone and smiled sadly. They had waited many times over the ten years Kurogane had gone without Fai, and Kurogane for the first time marveled at the strength of will with which she had lived. Perhaps she knew that being there to watch over everything that had followed was what Clow would have wanted, and she, like Kurogane, had followed the path of a wish that would make the two of them happy, in spite of the distance that separated them.
"Clow told me something once, not long before he died," Yuuko said, at last rising to her feet to join Kurogane at Fai's grave. "Like me, he had knowledge of the other worlds that exist outside of ours. There was a man who shared his soul that had a magnificent power, a power beyond anything I have known in any world where my soul has existed, and because of this lineage, he was blessed with the power to travel through dreams. He could not read the future, but he could often see what others saw, and communicate with those who knew." She sat down beside Kurogane. "It made him so happy to think of these millions of souls, existing independently but yet so deeply connected to one another by fate. 'Our universe is one where we are given infinite chances to find happiness, and where we fail in one, we may succeed in the other,' he said. 'Time and time again, we live to seek out our fate, both reaching and missing, knowing both bliss and pain. And always our souls are called to find the person who completes them, even though obtaining full happiness with that person is never a certainty no matter where we go. That makes this world either infinitely cruel or infinitely kind, doesn't it?'"
"And what did you say?"
"My answer was already given to the person who needed to hear it. What do you say, Kurogane-kun?" She traced the characters of Fai's name with the tip of her fingers. "What answer would you give, having lived your life with him, and seen the traces of another life which belongs to your soul?"
Kurogane's mind raced through everything he remembered, every memory he held precious from the beginning. He thought of Fai's concurrent joy and moodiness during their childhood, the absent contentedness of Yui, the flood that had slammed against them as they waited in the tree, the pain of reawakening, the beautiful figure who had crossed through the fields and ensnared the eyes of everyone, the slick body curling up in the bath, the way it felt to make love to Fai, the way they woke up every morning in each other's arms, the smiles, the laughter, the presence that had invaded and stolen the most precious thing away, the eyes that had looked at him one last time before closing, beholding either his face or blackness. He thought also of the person he had met, scowling and angry at the world, but still deeply in pain at a loss he felt clawing inside of his heart and a love he had no confidence to confront or accept. That was a story that had not yet ended, and in many ways was only just beginning. But because of what had happened that afternoon, it had become a part of his story, too.
There is significance to every meeting we have. And every parting, too. Significance behind every word and every gesture, and in the ways we say hello and goodbye. It may not always be clear what that significance is, but that does not mean these moments are meaningless. You will understand that one day. Sometimes it will hurt just as much to gain something as it will be to lose something. But it is important to remember that these things must happen.
Kurogane lifted his head to the sky, smiling at a place beyond where his sight could reach. He had always known the answer. From now to the very beginning, no matter where he was or which body enclosed his soul, he was certain he had always known.
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A/N: And so our story ends... or that's what I would say, but I'm sure you guys know that I wouldn't finish off this story without providing a final tie-in for our TRC/One Soul KuroFai. However, that isn't the whole story of the treat I promised. As with most multi-chapter stories I write, I tend to write bonus stories for my own benefit about the back stories of the side characters, so that I have the information and characterization I need to write them into the story. My proofreader happened to get ahold of them this time around, and told me that if I didn't post them for you guys to read, she would send me to the isle of perpetual tickling. Since I hate being tickled, I will be posting my three bonus stories before tying up this story for good.
So what's up next? The 3 stories include backgrounds on Ashura/Taishakuten, Yuuko/Clow, and Doumeki/Watanuki, and then the final piece will be on TRC/One Soul KuroFai. Since the main story is most of the way over, I'll post at a bit of a faster rate for you guys. Thank you so much for reading, everyone! I've really enjoyed sharing this with you and hearing what you have to say!