setting: episode 5 "Say The Word"

Damnation

Chapter 24 - Guilt

Daryl switched off the engine and got off his motorbike. Connor was still sitting on the vehicle, and it looked like he still wasn't really there yet.
The hunter was worried, but he wouldn't tell him. The Irishman was staring into the distance, and that crept his friend out.
He hated that Connor was so different, so quiet, so strange, so he nudged him and tried to smile.

"Ain't so bad, riding on my bike. Right? Never got yer hatred for this thing."

The blonde shook his head gently and blinked a few times, then he looked at Daryl for a second and got up.

"Shut up. Only fuckin girls ride on the back of a bike. And I ain't no fuckin girl. Fuckin gay that is" he growled and headed for the daycare they had found just down the road. Daryl followed his friend and snorted.

"Well look atcha. You can still cuss. Can't be that bad then."

"Fuck you" the Irishman growled and opened the gate to the playground.

It was strange to see all the abandoned swings and the dusty slide without any kids. Both men prayed to god that there wouldn't be any children that were now staggering around as walkers. Daryl walked faster than his friend, simply because Connor was still wavering a bit. Although the fresh air was doing him some good the headache was still killing him, and he still couldn't really see clearly. The hunter turned his head every once in a while to check on his friend because he was really worried. He could tell that Connor was different, and that not just because of the head trauma. The blonde was heading for one of the windows now, and Daryl decided to stop walking and keep watch.

"How yah feeling?" the hunter muttered after a while.

Connor looked inside the building but couldn't see anything apart from kid's furniture and toys.

"'m fine" he answered without meaning it.

Daryl walked backwards to approach the other man, but he wouldn't look at him.

"Sorry about what happened this morning by the way."

Connor got his gun out and broke the window with it. He got rid of the glass and sighed.

"It's okay. I know ye were just pissed cos of the girl."

He still wouldn't look at Daryl and seemed strangely different, and that confused his friend even more.
The blonde rubbed his aching forehead and hissed.

"Ah, Jesus, fuck me" he groaned and Daryl got closer.

"You sure you're okay?"

The Irishman moved out of his reach and growled angrily.

"I said 'm fucking fine, alright? Let's get in there, we ain't got all day. Te little girl needs something t'eat."

The hunter raised an eyebrow and watched how his friend climbed inside. He tried to stay calm, but his Connor's crankiness just pissed him off. He had always thought that after one year of being with the Irishman he would have gotten used to his mood shifts by now, but oh lord was he wrong. He knew that Connor probably just acted like this because of the attack and the headache, but that still didn't change a thing.

Both men climbed inside and took a look around. They could see all sorts of cribs, books, toys and stuffed animals, but no walkers, blood or dead people anywhere. The older of the two went straight for the kitchen counters and started searching for the things Maggie had told them about, whereas Daryl approached a wall to their left. The hunter noticed countless cutouts of little hands that were glued to the wall, and there were names written on each one. For a while he just read all the different names and listened to how his friend searched all the drawers and cupboards. One name caught his attention then.

Sofie.

He sighed softly and looked away. He still hated to think about it. His failure, her death. Even after months he still had to think about it every once in a while, and especially now that he had failed to save yet another girl he felt guilty all over again. Once again he could see the little girl, how she had been abused, how she had been screaming for help and most of all: how he had just been sitting there. Daryl clenched his fists around his crossbow and gritted his teeth. What made it even worse was the fact that he didn't even know her name. The hands made him sick. He tried to calm down and reminded himself that there was a new girl waiting for their help now, and maybe this time it could work. Needed to work.

"We should split up" the hunter murmured and headed for the door.

Connor was kneeling on the ground and put some stuff in their bag. He didn't even look up. He just nodded.

"Aye. Good idea. Watch yer ass."

The corridor was dark and empty. Although there was dust and dirt all over the place he was surprised how clean the interior actually looked. It was both nice and creepy to come across toys and toys only, without any guts or blood. Daryl grabbed his flashlight and shined it at the several doors and inside the rooms, but he couldn't find any walkers. He entered a room which had a piece of paper on its door. MISS SUE'S ROOM he read and snorted.

"Let's hope their ain't no Miss Sue in here" he muttered and pointed his crossbow at anything that could be dangerous.

He wasn't surprised when he found the room empty. The hunter sighed and looked at several bottles, but truth be told, he didn't have any idea what they were looking for. He let his gaze wander and looked at some children's drawings and pencils, and when he was just about to leave again he found an old doll on one of the tables. The faceless thing creeped him out a bit, but he still decided to take it with him, just so the baby had something nice to hold on to. Daryl was on his way back to his friend when slow and soft banging somewhere down the corridor startled him. He could make out that the noise was coming from the kitchen, so he made his way back there with his crossbow drawn and ready to shoot. He was pretty sure that there was a walker in the room, and when he entered the kitchen he realized that it was coming from one of the cupboards. He prepared himself for a possible fight, but when he opened the door a surprised snort escaped his mouth. An opossum was hissing and snapping at him. Daryl took aim to shoot the animal dead.

"Hello, dinner" he chuckled and took a look at his newest prey, then he searched the rest of the kitchen for anything useful.

As soon as Daryl had left the room Connor looked up to make sure that his friend was gone. He let out a gentle sigh and sat down on the ground. The Irishman moved his fingers through his hair and stared at the ground which he could hardly see. The sun was still way too bright and he felt terribly sick, but that wasn't even the worst part. He couldn't stop thinking about the look on Rick's face, his breakdown, his cries. Why the fuck had he left Maggie and Lori alone? He couldn't stop asking himself that question. Could he have done anything? Could he have prevented Lori's death?

When he and Daryl had returned to the group he had made her his new task. He had been the one to look after her for the past couple of days. He had tried to protect her, to make sure she was alright. Simply because she had embodied sheer hope. The child had embodied hope. Family, the one thing that had always mattered to him. And now she was gone, and part of him feared that the newborn wouldn't survive as well. The blonde looked up with an awkward gasp and let his gaze wander. He saw the wall with the hand cutouts, the toys, the pictures, and that made it only worse. He had to think about Lori's child that was possibly dying, the little girl he had failed to save yesterday, Sophia...He shook his head and pressed his fists to his eyes when he remembered the other child he had failed to save, back in Boston. It was a vicious circle. Because just thinking about the whole Boston thing reminded him of his twin again, how he had failed to save him.

You're the reason innocent 'n good people like the girl get killed. Because you're always too slow. Because your stupid plans get people killed.

Connor knew that his friend had apologized for these words. Just minutes before. But that still didn't mean that he was right. Eunice, Tabby, Murphy, the little girl, Lori. Those people were dead because of his ideas, his plans to "make things right". The guilt was slowly eating him up. Lori was dead. Because he had left them.

"Look atcha. Did ye finally managed t'get a girl pregnant? Bout time, yer ain't getting any younger."

The Irishman turned his head in surprise. He could see his brother sitting there on a table opposite him, with an amused smirk on his face.

"Shut up" Connor murmured and squeezed his eyes shut.

When he opened them again he could see that Murphy was still sitting there.
He couldn't believe this was happening. It had been month since he had last seen his brother.
His twin got up with a chuckle and approached him.

"Well hello t'you too, brother."

The older twin just looked at his younger half for a while, then he got up and turned around to search the rest of the cupboards.

"I know yer ain't real."

"Really?" he heard Murphy say and tensed when he felt his hand on his shoulder.

Connor hated when this sort of thing happened, because it felt so real, because he wanted it to be real.
It still made his heart stop, and he still had to fight the tears, but this time they wouldn't come.
He was just too furious.

"I know what yer thinking 'bout Connor."

The older MacManus snorted and put both his hands on the counter and leaned against it.

"Of course ye do. Yer just in my head, so of course ye know what's going on in there."

Murphy chuckled and shook him gently.

"Loads af bullshit, that's fer sure."

Connor smiled sadly and turned around to look at his twin.
Although he knew that he was probably just hallucinating, he still was glad that his twin was with him right now.

"'s been a long time since I last saw ye, brother" he muttered and Murphy just stared back at him.
Connor sighed and leaned against the counter.

"I had a dream about ye earlier. When this fucker knocked me out" he murmured.

Murphy let go of him and just looked at his brother.

"Did ye."

Connor nodded.

"Aye. You were asking me t'come with ye."

"But you didn't."

"Aye."

It was quiet for a while, and both brothers just looked at each other.

"I'm not like that anymore, Murph. I don't wanna die. I promised you. I wanna live."

Murphy raised an eyebrow and looked at his twin, judging him.

"Then why are ye thinking about something so stupid?"

Connor growled and turned around again to keep searching.

"It ain't stupid. 've been thinking about it fer days now. It's fer the best."

"You always think that yer stupid plans are fer the best. Sometimes they just ain't, brother."

The older twin hit the door of the cupboard hard.

"Shut up" he spat and looked down.

"Don't think I don't know that. Every fucking day I blame myself fer yer death. Fer making the wrong calls and getting ye killed. I shouldn't have told you t'wait fer me to move the car. I shouldn't have tried t'keep going at the docks. I should've made the right call and turned me back on fucking Boston. I should've dragged you with me instead of not watching yer back."

He clenched his fists.

"I shouldn't have made the decision to go through that cellar window and they wouldn't have caught us at Yakavetta's and Roc would still be alive. I shouldn't have run away from you to check on those fucking things and Eunice would still be alive. I shouldn't have told Romeo to take the ground floor on his own and he would still be alive. I should've ran in there sooner t'save this little girl from those cannibals. And I shouldn't have run away from Maggie and Lori and she would still be alive."

"Connor..."

"I said shut it! Just leave me alone, Murph."

Then he couldn't help but laugh.

"I mean yer not even real.."

"But..."

"SHUT. UP!" the Irishman suddenly yelled and knocked some of the pots over. He turned around to look at his brother, but then he had to realize that he was alone.

The Irishman growled and shook his head angrily because this was enough to finally make him snap. He headed for the window.
He left the bag in the middle of the room so Daryl would be able to take the formula and bottles back to the prison, but he just needed to get out.
Get away.

"Leprechaun! Look at that! Found us some diner!" Daryl announced as he approached the room they had come through.

He made sure that the opossum was nice to look at and maybe ready to throw. Daryl had never forgotten the thing with the eye when they had gone hunting last winter, and maybe this was his chance to give his friend some payback now. He had found some powdered formula as well, so they were ready to leave and help the little girl. He knew that they needed her alive, simply to give them some sort of hope and joy. Everything was so fucked these days, and now that Connor was cranky he just knew that he had to be the cheery one for a bit.

"Did yah find anything? How 'bout.." he trailed off when he found the room empty.

Their bag was lying on the ground, right in the middle of the room, but Connor was nowhere to be seen.

"Connor?" he called out and looked to his left and right.

There was nothing but silence and Daryl frowned.

"The fuck..?" he muttered and went back to search the corridor.

"Leprechaun!" he yelled, panic slowly rushing over him with every room he found empty.

"Come on! That ain't funny, man! We gotta go!"

When he reached the end of the corridor he turned around again and scanned his surroundings once more. He could hear nothing but the blowing of the wind. "Leprechaun!" he shouted and searched the corridor and rooms once more as he made his way back to the broken window. When he entered the large room they had come through he had to realize that he was alone inside the building. "Connor!" he spat and grabbed the bag so he could make his way out. He searched the whole yard in horror, feeling terribly alone all of a sudden. Where the fuck was this clown? The hunter knew that his friend loved to play games with him every once in a while, but this was way too fucked up. Had he passed out somewhere because of the concussion? What if he was lying somewhere but he had missed him? Where was he? What was he supposed to do? Daryl ran back to his motorbike to see if Connor was already there, but once again he had to realize that he was alone.

"Come on, man.." he muttered and scanned his surroundings once more, hoping to find his friend.

Lying somewhere, walking around somewhere, as long as he was somewhere. But he was all alone.

Daryl swallowed hard and waited a couple of minutes, but pretty soon he couldn't stop asking himself the question: What if he left me?
For days Connor had been talking about leaving the group because he didn't like it here. He had been talking about going back up north. Back to Boston or god knows where. How many times had they talked about leaving the group once and for all and heading back up North? What if he had finally made the decision to leave and try to survive on his own? What if he had just used this opportunity, used him to get away from the prison and all those people?

The hunter took a deep breath and put both his hands on the seat of his motorbike, trying to keep calm. But it was useless. He was dead angry, so furious, so...alone. He kicked his bike hard and started walking in circles. First Merle, then Carol and now Connor? How was he supposed to deal with this shit? In just a couple of months he had lost two brothers. Two brothers had run away from him. Left him.

"Stop this shit now and get yer ass back here!" he yelled as loud as he could, but even then no answer would come.

Connor wouldn't come from behind some trees or through the window, not even walkers would come right now. Daryl was all alone.
He couldn't believe this. After everything they had been through. After this winter and everything he had done for him after that bite.
It couldn't be true. This wasn't the Connor he knew. That fucking bastard couldn't just leave him like that.
The hunter bit his lip hard and grabbed his bike again to sit down and start the engine.

"Fine! I didn't need yah anyway! 't hell with yah!" he yelled at the empty building and waited a bit longer, still hoping that Connor would finally come out, but when nothing would happen Daryl shook his head angrily and drove off.

For a couple of minutes he just drove down the road back to the prison, trying his hardest not to lose it. He felt so lonely, so betrayed, so hurt and incredibly sad. He remembered the couple of hours he had spent mourning when he had thought that Connor was dead. How devastated he had felt because of the whole bite thing. Now he had to realize that this was way way worse. The uncertainty. The questions. Why? How was he? Where was he? Had he been wrong? Was Connor really just lying around somewhere and he had abandoned him? Daryl hit the brakes hard and just stood there in the middle of the road for a while, staring at nothing in particular. What the fuck was he supposed to do? The little girl needed his help, needed the formula. But fucking Connor needed him as well, and they both knew it. They both knew that Daryl needed him just as much, maybe even much more than he would ever admit. "I ain't gonna make it that easy for you, you fucking bastard" he growled and turned his bike around.

He cursed himself for doing this to the little girl, but he was sure that he would be able to track Connor down soon. He had seen his friend in action, in the woods, and he knew that the Irishman wasn't good at covering his tracks. Hell, he couldn't even really read them. So the hunter made his way back to the nursery, back to his friend, knowing that his anger was dominating him right now and that the Irishman deserved one hell of a payback for all the drama he was causing.

Connor was walking down the empty road. Or more like staggering. He had to stop and rest way more often the usual, now that he felt so sick because of the headache that he feared he would lose all his stomach contents way too soon. He didn't even know where he was going, all he knew was that he wanted to get out. Being with a group had been wrong. A couple of months back, right after Murphy's death, he had sworn to never be with people ever again. Not to form any sort of relationships ever again. Because they just meant trouble, made him feel guilty whenever another life was lost, and it was the dying part that he just couldn't do anymore.

He had been okay with it back in the old days. When Romeo had died. When their Da had died. Simply because he'd always had Murphy, and with Murphy he had never felt hopeless and alone. But now that his twin was gone such bad feelings like guilt and frustration were really getting to him, slowly tearing him apart all over again. And it wasn't like the group wanted him there anyway, right? They had been looking at him like he was a freak. He had heard them talk about the bite, and now he had failed to protect and save Lori, the only person in this group who had always been nice to him, no matter what. He was no longer needed there anymore. This stupid group didn't need him. And he didn't need them. He didn't need anyone.

People just meant trouble. And trouble meant even more deaths of beloved friends and family.

He wasn't exactly the one to make decisions like that in just a matter of seconds, but the death of so many innocent in just two days and now his concussion had really shaken him to the core. Or maybe that was just the headache talking and thinking. Whatever it was that made him walk, it didn't matter anymore, because he knew that it was already too late now anyway. Daryl would be long since gone by now. So he kept walking.

He just needed a break from all the mess.

The blonde knew that it wasn't very wise to walk down some road out of all things. He was supposed to stay and hide in the woods. Daryl had taught him this after all, but right now his mind wasn't really working anyway. He didn't know for how long he had been walking, because soon he had lost track of space and time, his mind slowly switching itself off because of the headache and exhaustion. All the more did it startle him when he heard the sound of some engine somewhere behind him. The Irishman turned around in surprise and backed off, but it was already too late. The driver had already seen him. Connor growled and started walking again when he recognized the vehicle, recognized the driver. He knew it would be impossible to outrun him, and it wasn't like he was able to run right now anyway. Not with this headache. The motorbike eventually drove past him and came to a halt right in front of him to block his way. Daryl switched off the engine and got off his motorbike, anger written all over his face. Connor stopped walking and just looked at him.

"Mind telling me what the fuck this is about?" his friend yelled and shoved him hard.

"I've been driving around forever! Wasting fuel, drawing walkers in, yelling my goddamn lungs out!" he went on and shoved him again.

"What the fuck is wrong with yah?! I thought we were gonna get shit for the baby! And then you get lost and wander off? What the fuck?!"

Connor just looked at his friend.

"Aye. And we did get this stuff. But I ain't going back with ye."

Daryl exploded.

"What? Don't talk bullshit! Why?"

Connor didn't say anything to that and just snorted. He turned around and stared into the distance, until he finally had the guts to talk.

"I never wanted ta go back t'them, man. I just went because I knew you wanted that. But the fucking truth is that we were better off on our own.
It was less fucking complicated. I never asked fer this shit."

Daryl frowned.

"What the hell are you talking about? This group needs us. And we need them. If it weren't for us then more people would have died today."

"If it weren't fer me no one would have died today!" Connor yelled and Daryl fell quiet.

"Shut up. That ain't true" he said after a moment and the blonde opposite him snorted.

"Of course it fucking is. I should've shot them right from the off. Right when I saw those prison scumbags. I knew there was something wrong with 'em. I mean just think about it. I give ye that bigass speech about how it's my job ta clean all te filth of the streets and then this? I just let 'em walk and made them move inside the cell block right next fucking door?"

Daryl folded his arms and shook his head.

"Anyone should've seen it and killed them. Not just you. Me? Rick? T? We were all just standing there and let 'em go."

"Yeah, fucking fine. I give you that. But even without all that, I shouldn't have left Maggie with Lori and she'd still be alive."

The hunter finally had enough of all this pathetic talk. He approached his friend and grabbed him by his shirt with an angry growl.

"How? Huh? How were yah gonna help them? You know shit about childbirth? Use yer brain! You did everything you could, now get yer ass back on this fucking bike."

"I ain't going back there. Cause everything goes fucking downhill all the time. I don't need this shit. I don't even wanna care about anything anymore" the Irishman growled and shoved his friend away.

Daryl growled and grabbed him by his shirt.

"Of course yer coming back!" Daryl spat and glared at him.

Connor tried to fight him off.

"Fuck off! This isn't yer decision to make!"

The Irishman managed to get rid of his friend's hands and tried to leave again, but Daryl lost it as soon as Connor had turned his back on him.
He darted forward and grabbed his friend by his shirt, then he wrestled him to the ground and pinned him down.

"You don't get to leave" he spat and the blonde looked up at him. He snorted and stared Daryl right in the eye.

"Or what?"

Daryl pressed his forearm to his throat and moved closer, to a point where their noses were almost touching.
For a moment they just looked each other right in the eye, trying to break the other somehow, but neither of them would give in.

"Let go of me" Connor growled and Daryl shook his head. He wouldn't stop glaring at his friend.

"I said let fucking go of me!" the Irishman yelled and the hunter shook his head once more, and this time he lost it as well.

"And I said you ain't leaving, you asshole!" he yelled back and the blonde underneath him lost it even more.

"I'm gonna break yer neck if ye don't let me go!" he yelled and almost managed to buck Daryl off.

"No!"

"Why do they always fucking die?!" Connor finally spat and Daryl let go of his friend's arms so the Irishman could cover his face with his hands.

"No matter what I fucking do, it always gets people fucking killed, man! All my friends in Boston, the fucking dog, the kid yesterday, now T-Dog, Carol and Lori!
M'brother, they keep fucking dying and I can never fucking save 'em and I'm done with this shit!"

"What about the baby?! She ain't dead yet, you can still save her, can't you?! Now stop this stupid pathetic whiny talk and think!"

Connor took a deep breath and covered his eyes because he still had the worst headache in his life.
He tried to calm down, but right now he was just incredibly stressed and in pain.
Daryl wouldn't let go, and that didn't really make it better.

"You're just talking bullshit right now and you know it. I can see that. Bastard gave yer melon one hell of a beating, I give him that.
Now stop that shit. They got a newborn over there, man. It ain't your fault, and we all need yah."

They both looked up when he heard the rustling of the corn to their left.
Pretty soon he could hear the moaning and groaning of some walkers who were getting closer.
Daryl looked back down at Connor, who was still lying on the ground, with both his hands pressed to his face.

"Come on, we gotta go" Daryl said and offered his friend a hand.

The Irishman let go of his face and looked at the hand for a moment, then he craned his neck to look at the abandoned road behind him. He hated his friend for making the whole thing a lot harder, now that he was actually with him. It would have been easy for Connor to just keep walking and turn his back on his friend with him not being there, but now? He eyed Daryl with a frown, saw the look on his face, hell, his face in general. He knew that all his Murphy hallucinations and dreams weren't real, how much it hurt him every time he had to realize that his brother wasn't physically there. But Daryl was there. All flesh and blood. And he was real. He looked at the outstretched hand and then turned his head to their left, where he could see three walkers that were stumbling towards them, leaving the cornfield to get them.

"Come on!" Daryl yelled and kicked him gently.

Connor knew that he didn't stand a chance against those walkers with this sort of headache, even if they didn't attack him or did attack him.
He growled and sat up to take his friend's hand.