It was not as bad as it had looked, It never was, it was not as bad as it looked but it was still pretty bad. Trish had a displaced fracture to both the radius and ulna of her left arm, deep muscle bruising to the abdominal wall, a concussion, a black eye, a fractured cheekbone, split lip and a whole lot of bruises and ruptured blood vessels. The doctors were most worried about possible internal bleeding in the abdomen, they had Trish staying overnight for observation.
Jessica doesn't have a driver's license and Trish was in no condition to drive. So Jessica had to call an ambulance. Normally not having her license would not have stopped Jessica from taking Trish's car but Trish had already been through enough today without having to get in a car with Jessica behind the wheel.
Jessica had sat with Trish until the ambulance came, unable to touch her for fear of making what she had done any worse, but unable to leave Trish alone to bleed on her 5000 dollar couch. Trish tried to talk, tried to speak to Jessica through her swollen face, it wasn't until 5 minutes into waiting for the ambulance that Jessica was able to make out what she was saying.
"It's not your fault."
The EMT had asked what had happened, of course they had, they wanted to help. Jessica told them that she had fallen down a flight of stairs, like Trish was Jessica's battered wife. The EMT did not look like they bought it but Trish had gone along with it because even with her body bruised and broken by Jessica's hands Trish was still covering for her.
That is what ended up being the deciding factor really. Jessica was dangerous, she understood that now better than she ever had. But there was more to it then that, she was more dangerous to Trish than anyone else because Trish would forgive her. Trish had probably forgiven her already, she probably didn't even think that there was anything to forgive, she didn't think that it was Jessica's fault.
Whether Jessica could be blamed for what happened or not was irrelevant. It had happened, in any other situation with a normal person that couldn't bend metal with their bare hands this would not be a problem. But this was Jessica and Trish could just as easily be in a casket, it was a miracle she wasn't.
She could see it all now, Trish would forgive her and Jessica would let her and Trish would be patient and gentle and understanding and wonderful and perfect and Jessica would let her because she is too selfish not to. Trish would start touching her again and Jessica would let her because how could something that feels so good be bad? Jessica knows where that would lead, with Jessica standing next to Trish's broken body in the hospital, or worse, standing over Trish's grave.
She had to leave, there was no way around it.. Trish would hate her for it, but it had to be done. She cleaned before she left, spent the whole night going over the apartment with a fine tooth comb. Jessica never cleaned, she was so bad at it she only ever ended up making a bigger mess. At least that's is one thing that Trish won't miss about her.
She did it now though. She took extra care to clean the hot chocolate and blood that she had spilled during her episode off Trish's 5000 dollar couch. She didn't want to plague Trish with reminders of what had happened beyond that of her broken arm and battered face. It was a lousy thank you for over 14 years of friendship but it would have to do.
Once the place was spotless and Jessica had packed all her things, she didn't have a lot, she went to make her good byes. Trish was still asleep which was probably a good thing, Trish would try to fight her if she knew and Jessica didn't have any fight left in her.
Her face looked worse than it had just hours before, she would have to take some time off Trish talk. Jessica hopped her face would heal well, Tish had such a beautiful face.
She didn't say much, knew Trish couldn't hear her. Just the standard, "have a wonderful life, I wish you every happiness." Jessica kissed her once on the forehead where there was no bruising. The first and only kiss she would ever give her, she figured it would be ok, just that once, since she was saying goodbye.
In that one kiss was a promise to never see her again, never hurt her again, never to pollute her life with the poison Jessica had seeping out of her pours. It was everything she could not force herself to say. It was, I'm sorry, I love you, thank you, and goodbye.
And yet here she was sitting on the very same 5000 dollar couch doing exactly what she promised to never do. Fucking oops.
Somewhere during their Pasty marathon they had lost any and all space between them. Trish had put her arm over Jessica's shoulders resting her elbow on the back of the couch and running her fingers through Jessica's hair. When the fuck had that happened? Trish had her thighs in Jessica' lap as her feet extended to the end of the couch. How long had those been there?!
This had already gone too far, she knew this would happen. She should never have come here, she should leave right now before someone got seriously hurt.
Jessica untangled herself from Trish and stood up. "Well I should probably head home." Jessica announced, strategically yawning to get her point across.
"If I let you walk of of that door right now will I ever see you again?" Trish said without even looking away from the tv. Trish saw right through her, of course. Why did she even bother trying to lie to her? Trish was talking again before Jessica could even think about replying "You don't have to go. I know you don't want to go back to your apartment. You always have a home here, you know that." This is why Jessica didn't talk to Trish about these things, because every time she did Trish always found a way to just fucking break her heart.
Jessica wanted to scream, to cry, to kill Killgrave all over again, most of all she didn't want to leave. Instead she spoke very clearly and very deliberately to ensure none of her inner turmoil leaked through her words. " I think it would be best for both of us if I were to stay in my own apartment tonight."
"Good of you to decide that for the both of us." Trish snapped. Jessica was thrown by the venom in Trish's tone. Jessica stood in shock as Trish began to aggressively clear their dishes from her coffee table. When Trish looked up from the dishes, whatever she saw in Jessica's face immediately made her sofen. "God, Jess, I'm sorry. I'm- God- I'm just so sorry for everything." Trish had put down the dishes down and was now had her hands raised, palms facing forward in a placating gesture, as if Trish was trying to calm a wild animal; which probably was not terribly far from reality.
"Trish, you have nothing to apologize for." Which was true, Trish had done nothing wrong. Jessica was so confused and disoriented all thoughts of escape left her and she just stood there as Trish did, whatever Trish was trying to do.
. "No, just, just. Can you- just let me say this." Trish was was usually so articulate, Jessica had never seen her struggle for words like this before. Trish evidently took Jessica's silence as encouragement to continue because that is exactly what she did. "I'm so sorry for what happened. What I did to you. I should have known better, I did know better. I'm sorry." That was Jessica's cue to sit down. What warped out parallel universe had she slipped into that Trish had any reason to apologize to Jessica?
"Trish, what are you talking about?" Maybe Trish had done something Jessica had forgotten about? That seemed unlikely but this whole situation was pretty unlikely.
Trish gave Jessica her long suffering look. It seemed that Jessica was about to set a new record for how many times she could get that look directed at her in one day. "You're going to make me say it?" Trish looked liked the word hurt coming out of her.
"Say what? what are you talking about?!" If Trish did not just spit it out already Jessica was going to start to pull her own hair out.
"6 months ago you had an episode, an episode that I triggered." Trish spoke with the air of a practised speech, like this was something she had been meaning to say for a long time. "Next thing I know you're gone. If you need to leave again I understand. I just want you to know how very, very sorry I am." Her speech concluded, Trish flopped back down on the 5000 dollar couch with her face in her hands as if suddenly exhausted.
Jessica could not believe what she was hearing. Trish blamed herself for what Jessica had done? Trish thought it was her fault that she got beaten to a pulp?! Jessica felt physically ill just thinking about it. God, Jessica had fucked her up more than she even knew. There was no way she could leave now, she had to make this right. Jessica shook her head, but doesn't meet Trish's eyes. She doesn't think she'll ever be able to meet anyone's eyes ever again.
"Trish, just no, what happened was not your fault. I lost control and I'm sorry." A wave of fresh horror runs through Jessica as she realised that that was the first time she had apologized to Trish for nearly killing her. That should have been her first thought. She should have been apologising to Trish on bended knee and instead all she had been able to think of was of leaving, of not having to bear the shame of looking at her friend's broken face anymore.
Trish was having none of Jessica's pity party. "You would not have lost control if I hadn't triggered you. I pushed you too hard too soon and I'm sorry." It isn't guilt in Jessica's stomach now, it's pure self-loathing. She thought she was rebuilding herself now, learning how to be Jessica Jones again instead of Killgrave's puppet but now it turns out Jessica is worse than Killgrave ever was. She has managed to turn the strong and steadfast Trish Walker, Trish Walker, with an iron will and a heart of gold into someone that blames herself for violence against her, someone who apologizes to her abuser, and she had done all that without the use of magic mind control. This is wrong, this isn't what she's supposed to be.
"Trish, it could have been anyone, it wasn't your fault, I'm dangerous. Please don't blame yourself for this." Jessica pleads finally forcing herself to look Trish in the eye.
. "So I blame myself, and you blame yourself. Is anyone going to blame Killgrave?" Trish actually managed a smile at her own joke. Jessica felt like she may never smile again.
"It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It doesn't matter that it's Killgrave's fault that I'm a ticking time bomb. The fact that it was an accident doesn't mean I did not hurt you very badly, that I couldn't have killed you. Does it?" It wasn't a question; it was a resigned and broken statement of fact. Jessica had to turn her eyes away again. Had to look at anything but Trish. God, why did this have to be so fucking hard?!
"Look at me Jess." Trish's tone leaves no room for argument, but Jessica just can't. She feels like she's in front of a firing squad, except that she would had the dignity to raised her head to look at a firing squad. This is what Trish did to her, striped of all pretences, leaving her raw and indesent. Jessica will throw herself into a fight, outgunned and outmanned but she can't meet her best friends eyes.
Jessica keeps her eyes on the ground. Trish closes the space between them end is in Jessica's space in a flash. One hand on her shoulder, the other delicately lifting Jessica's chin.
"Jessica, please look at me." Trish forces Jessica to meet her eyes. "I'm fine." It was true, six months away from Jessica had done wonders for Trish's health. Trish's arm and face had healed flawlessly, but all Jessica could see was Trish's bloody and mangled face begging her to stop.
"I can't look at you without seeing what I did to you." Jessica said in a rare moment of absolute honesty. Wishing desperately that Trish would let her look away.
Trish threw her arms up in frustration. "You were having a flashback," Trish nearly yelled, frustration bleeding into his words. "It happens. It happens to you, it happens to me too, don't you remember?" Of course Jessica remembered. They were all but gone now but Jessica remembers what use to happen when Trish was reminded of her mother.
The glassy look she would get in her eyes like she was no longer seeing in the present, like she was a little girl again cowering from the the person that should have been her protector. Trish usually snapped out of it within a few minutes. The flashbacks had caused some violent outbursts but she had never once laid a hand on Jessica. Trish had always been the better person.
"These things happen. it happens to everyone who's been through-" Trish jerked to a stop, the words choking her. Her face was pure anguish, struggling to find the right words. "What we've been through," she strangles out at last. If it were possible Jessica felt even fucking worse.
This wasn't just Jessica's problem anymore. This was a shared experience. Killgrave had infected Trish too. He had made her want to kill herself. He had made her want him, he had gotten his filthy hands all over her. Jessica's worst nightmares come to life before her eyes. Jessica put her head between her knees in an effort to not throw up.
When she looked up again she was met with Trish's earnest green eyes filled with concern. "I should go" Jessica croaked, her voice betraying her distress. Trish's eyes went from concerned to angry in an instant, her face turning hard and cold.
"When are you going to see that this isn't your decision to make?" Trish snapped, voice full of hurt and righteous indignation. Trish put as much space as she could between them as see could on her 5000 dollar couch as she fumed.
Jessica had been expecting this, she knew Trish would not let this go without a fight. Trish had every right to be angry and hurt, but Jessica was still surprised by how much it hurt even though she understood it.
Jessica stood up then in an attempt to make her next words more firm and absolute. Trish was not going to like this."Trish, You are one of the smartest people I know, but you can't think straight when it comes to me." It was true and Jessica loved her for it but it was going to get her killed.
Instead of reacting with more anger though Trish just sat looking like she was contemplating what Jessica had said. Maybe she was finally seeing sense. The more selfish part of Jessica hoped that wasn't that case. This was impossible. Jessica's emotions and sensibilities were at civil war. She needed Trish to stay away from her, stay safe, at the same time she felt she might die if she did.
When Trish did finally speak again it was so small and so broken Jessica barely hear her "Why are you doing this?" Trish asked, face red and eyes wet.
Great, Just fucking perfect! She had made Trish fucking cry. What the fuck was wrong with her?! Jessica felt so stupid, broken, and powerless all at once. For all that Jessica may have super strength she was powerless now.
Jessica hated this conversation so much that it was all she could do to stay still. Everything in her was screaming to just get out, to go to her apartment and put her fist through a wall, something, anything that wasn't standing here talking about something this monumentally stupid. Anything to ignore the way everything was hinging on the words that she couldn't get right.
But she knew better than that. She had to finish this. She owed Trish that much at least. "I don't want to do this but it's the only way. I'm dangerous. I hurt you. You have every right to be afraid of me" There is a power inside me, and it just takes over. Her own words to detective Clemens echo inside her head, mocking her. It was meant to be an act, get her locked up in supermax but it turned out being a self portrait.
Jessica didn't realize she had raised her voice until she her heard the stark contrast of the renewed silence and saw the raw look of shock on Trish's face. It was too loud and too sharp and too brutal, both women stood mirroring the movement in an instinctive effort to give the other room. Trish sucked in a breath from between clenched teeth.
"But I'm not..." Trish hesitated, all the fight gone out of her. "I'm not afraid of you." Her lips twitched, a vain attempt at a smile. "You're the only one around here who's afraid of you, Jess."
Jessica scrubbed her hands over her face, this not how this was supposed to go. "Don't you see what you're doing?" Trish pressed her advantage, gesturing wildly " you are letting him control you. He's dead, you don't need to let him control your life anymore."
Jessica's hackles rose at Trish's words. Anger clouded her mind and twisted her stomach. "He has nothing to do with this. This is my decision and it is final." This was good, Jessica understood anger. It would be easier on both of them if Jessica were angry.
It would be easier if Trish were angry too. It would hurt less if Trish blew up and screamed at her, but of course couldn't do things the easy way.
"Your choice,"Trish shrugged, speaking like she was letting Jessica pick what they watched on Netflix not letting her oldest friend walk out of her life forever. Trish stoved her hands in pockets, spun on her heel, and flopped on the couch "I guess I will see you around, or whatever." She said as she grabbed the remote and turned the tv back on.
Jessica could live with Trish's anger, she could live with her disappointment, her anguish, her tears and her pain. It hurt like a son of a bitch but she had done it before and she could do it again. What she could not live with, what she never thought to prepare herself for was Trish's indifference. Jessica could not walk out that door with Trish sitting on her couch, watching tv, like the past 14 years meant nothing. She could not do it.
"Do you think this is easy for me?" It was meant to come out defiant and demanding but her throat was tight, all the air seemed to get caught somewhere on the way to her lungs.
"I don't much care," Trish retorted and it was too brittle, too broken for someone who was casually watching tv. "You get to choose. If your choice hurts, well, then, maybe it's a sign that you've made a lousy fucking choice, Jessica." Jessica couldn't see her face but she was pretty sure that the tears were back.
This was bad. If Trish cried then Jessica would cry and if Jessica cried then it was unlikely that she would be able to walk out that door. It turns out that she can't handle Trish's tears as well as she thought she could.
But Jessica had to be an adult about this. She would just say her piece, Trish would understand and Jessica would leave, for real this time. Walking across Trish's living room and sitting down next to her on Trish's 5000 dollar couch felt like it took years off Jessica's life but she did it. She owed it to Trish to look at her face to face when she… What? Broke up with her? That was what she was doing wasn't she? Yeah, it was. This fucking sucked.
Trish was still deliberately watching tv even though it was a commercial for men's clothing. Jessica grabbed the remote and turned off the power. Trish continued to stare at the dark screen.
After all this time it was still hard for Jessica to initiate contact but since this was goodbye again she figured that her guilty conscience would let it slide.
Jessica reached out to touch Trish's knee, that got her attention. When Trish looked at Jessica her eyes were gleaming, her face red and swollen but she looked far from pitiful, Trish wore defyance like a second skin.
"I'm not a hero." Jessica began. It was a fact and Jessica had come to terms with it a long time ago. Trish looked like she wanted to object but Jessica blew past her protests. "Just please, let me say this?" Trish opened her mouth but then shut it with an audible click and noded at her to continue.
"I'm not a hero, but you are. I don't want what has has happened between us to discourage you." This was it, this was the goodbye that Jessica should have given Trish over half a year ago. Well, it was better late than never.
"I can't be saved. But that does not mean that you should stop trying. That does not mean that their are not other people out there that need your help. Don't give up on trying to save the world. If anyone could do it, you can." Jessica remembered that day at the bar, Trish telling of her plans to save the world like they were little girls again talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up. How long had it been? It felt like decades, another life time. Another world where her biggest concern was finding a job that didn't suck.
Now innocent lives hung in the balance, now she was broken and dangerous, now she was saying goodbye to the best thing in her life because she couldn't be trusted not to destroy her. And now she was crying because that was the only way this shit show could have possibly gotten worse. "This is not the result of some failing in you. I'm not doing this because you're not good enough. I'm doing this because I could not live with myself if I hurt you….Again"
Trish stared at her for a few minutes, silent and still. Then she glanced away, looking up at the ceiling. "You're asking me to leave you alone to suffer," she said, and Jessica's mouth opened, objection fully formed on her tongue. she didn't get a single word out before Trish cut her off. "No. I listened, now you listen." Trish rose restlessly, pacing in front of Jessica like she could not keep still.
"I know what you're thinking. I know how you think." Trish continued to pace. "But if we were in the city, if we were out there-" she flipped a hand in midair toward the window. "Fighting? And there was someone that was attacking you? The fact that I could end up hurt doesn't matter. I won't let you fight alone. I won't let someone hurt you because there's a chance I might be hurt."
"That's not what this is," Jessica started. That was totally different. Trish fought with Jessica to save people. Trish staying with Jessica was not going to save anyone.
"Yes, yes it is. That is exactly what this is." Trish stopped pacing in favor of towering over Jessica. "This is about you fighting Killgrave everyday. This is the fight in which you need me the most." Trish crouched so that her and Jessica were on the same level. "I'm not saying I can cure you. I'm not a miracle worker. But -" Trish's words didn't so much crack, but completely shatter. "I know what it's like to wake up and still be in a nightmare and have no way out. I won't do it to you. Don't ask me to do that." Trish laid her hands on Jessica's knees. Jessica jumped, couldn't help it. Jessica never talked about her feelings like this and it made her feel like she were stepping through a minefield.
"I have to" Jessica said, trying to sound firm but it came out barely above a whisper.
Trish signed, sounding just as convinced by Jessica's words as Jessica herself. "Our situation isn't actually as unique as seem to think. Thousands of men and women have PTSD." Trish said at last. "They all run the risk of accidentally hurting the person they love most. And every person who's ever loved someone with PTSD has to acknowledge that."
Jessica sighed, why couldn't she make her understand? "None of those people are with someone like me,"That was the crux of this whole shitty situation if it weren't for Jessica's strength, her power Trish could have walked away with a black eye and a funny story. If it weren't for Jessica's strength Killgrave may never taken an interest in her and a lot of good people may still be alive.
"I'm-" Jessica faulted. what was she exactly? A monster? No, no matter how true that may be she could not bring herself to say it. "Dangerous." She said eventually, covering her face with her hands in a pathetic attempt at hiding.
Trish reached out to her, covering her hands with her own and pulling them away from Jessica's face as she spoke. "And somewhere out there, there is someone crawling into bed with a someone who has PTSD who is literally twice their size and 3 times as strong," Trish said, now holding Jessica's hands to her own face. "And I'm betting if you told them they couldn't, or shouldn't, they may have a couple of choice words for you." Trish's face was warm and soft under her hands. It made so much sense when Trish said it like that. The combination of the feel of Trish's skin and her calculated words left Jessica's resolve feeling fragile.
"Do you trust me?" Trish asked before Jessica could formulate her rebuttal.
"Of course I trust you. I trust you with my life." Jessica was now holding Trish's face of her own volition. Hoping desperately that her fear for Trish's safety had not made her doubt Jessica's feeling for her.
"That's not what I meant." A smile tugged at the corner of Trish's lips. Jessica must have looked as confused as she felt because Trish laughed. Jessica could feel it under her hands "I get that you are scared of hurting me." Trish spread her palms over Jessica's jean clad thighs. "I understand. But I need you to trust me; trust that I know what I want and that I know what I'm doing. I'm a smart woman, I know what I'm doing, I need to to trust that."
There was a reason Jessica had left when Trish was unconscious. How had she ever thought she could win against this woman? How had she thought she could fight Trish, the woman with the will of iron, in a battle Jessica wanted to lose?
She could trust Trish, she could do that. Jessica may not trust herself but she could trust Trish and Trish trusted her that had to mean something didn't it?
"Yes." Jessica said in a hushed tone, afraid she might break the moment if she spoke too harshly. "Yes, I trust you."
Trish was really smiling now, a smile Jessica had not seen in a long time. Her "I just got Captain America to agree to be on my talk show smile."
It felt like a blessing to see that smile for herself, see it aimed at her. she wanted to know what happiness would taste like on Trish's mouth, how that laughter would feel against her skin. Jessica didn't even realize she was crying until Trish used her thumbs to push Jessica's tears away.
It's like water pouring out of her, a wound finally cleaned after festering for years. Her eyes are stinging with tears because even though this is good, all she ever wanted, it hurts to finally get it and her voice is low and breaking. " Can I?...would it be alright if I...I...Would you kiss me?" It's stupid and embarrassing but even in the wake of her epiphany Jessica can not bring herself to touch Trish like that.
Trish doesn't laugh though, doesn't scold her, doesn't even flinch. She just smiles and nods and brings herself up from her crouch to kiss her best friend who is crying like an idiot.
Jessica's lips were chapped and she was pretty sure that her tears were getting in there mouths. God, Jessica was pretty sure she might even be getting snot on Trish's face but it was ok because it was Trish. Trish who was so constant and understanding and it was perfect.
Too soon Trish pulled away, Jessica tried to chase her lips but Trish held her back with a firm hand. "Jessica, are you sure you are up for this?" Jessica nodded, she was not sure what "this" was. All she knew was that she needed to closer to Trish, needed to be as near her as humanly possibly. But Trish was not so easily deterred. "Jessica" she whispered like her name was a prayer "Jessica, I love you, I want to be with you, but I need you to be ok. So you have to tell me, is this ok?" Trish deliberately stoked her fingers across Jessica's arm.
Trish had never told Jessica that she loved her. Not in so many words. Words were for the world outside Trish and Jessica, words were not needed when it was just the two them. Sometimes they would go for days on end without saying one word but they always understood each other. Trish told Jessica that she loved her with soft looks and lingering touches. They could read each other better then if the words had been carved into their skin. They knew how each other felt, words would only cheapen what they had. Yet another thing that Killgrave had stolen from her.
He had rewritten her very language, butchered it and burned it down. She can't go there, can't touch, not anymore. Hands are no longer warm and delicate, hands bring pain, mouths are for screaming and skin is only touched to be broken. It took two solid months before Jessica stopped filching away from Trish's hands and more time after that until Jessica didn't want to cry every time anyone touched her. Words are the only thing left that Jessica understands. Trish must know that, that's why she said it. Jessica appreciates that almost as much as it yearns for what she has lost.
But Jessica is nothing else if not stubborn. Instead of answering Trish with her words Jessica very deliberately raises her hand stroked her knuckles over Trish's cheek. It's sloppy and awkward, and her hand is shaking but Trish leans into the touch as if she is starved for it. It must have been the right thing to do because Trish is kissing her again. Jessica hadn't realized how much she had missed this, missed Trish, until this moment.
She hadn't realized how much this had been weighing on her. How much the space between her and Trish had been killing her. Now that it was gone it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. Trish turned her head to deepen the kiss and Jessica knew that she would never be able to to leave again. She would never be able to force herself out that door after having loved and lost and then given the chance to love again. The only exception would be of course if Trish threw her out. Which is just what Jessica thinks for a wild second Trish might do when she pulls away for a second time.
Trish's face was flushed and she was panting slightly. Her lips are kiss swollen and she has never looked more beautiful and Jessica very much wants to be kissing her right now but Trish has her stern face on and a firm hand on Jessica's shoulder keeping her at arm's length and it's really really not fair.
"This is serious Jessica, I asked you to trust me and I need you to do it now." Only Trish could manage to sound stern while looking that disheveled. "Jess, I don't know what triggered you before but I think it is best for both of us if it doesn't happen again." It's a joke, Jessica knows it a joke but it still sends a spike of regret through her chest.
Trish seems to sense this, when she next speaks her voice is soft and comforting. "I need you to help me help you. Before we go any further I need you to know that, at anytime, you can tell me to stop and I will." Trish's hand has traveled down Jessica's arm to grasp her hand. "It's that simple." Trish continues in a soft but earnest voice. "You just say the word and I will stop, no strings attached. You won't be in trouble. I won't be mad, or sad or even disappointed." Trish brings Jessica's hand up to her face and kisses her knuckles.
Jessica released a breath she had not realized she was holding. She knew this, of course she did. Trish would never hurt her, would never force Jessica to do anything she did not want to do. She knew that and yet it was so amazingly good to hear Jessica felt like she might collapse.
Jessica hadn't had sex since … Well, since before Killgrave. There had been Luke and a handful of others, mainly women. It had taken a while before Jessica could even look at a man like that without feeling guilty.
She couldn't really explain it logically. Rationally she knew there was a difference. She knew that comparing sex to what Killgrave had done to her would be like hitting someone on the head with a shovel and calling it gardening. She knew that, she was just waiting for her broken brain to believe it. It had been over a year now, she still wasn't able to touch herself.
That was all sex had become for her now. Jessica had never been one to save herself for anything. If she found someone she wanted to have sex with then that's what she would do, it was as simple as that. But she had always sought some sort of connection with her partners. For Jessica sex had always been something that was meant to be shared, not taken. It didn't mean that wanted to grow old with them but she didn't go around having sex with people she didn't like and everyone she brought into her bed was welcome to at least spend the night.
Not anymore. Killgrave had took and took and took until she had nothing. She had gotten so use to just lying there, concentrating on her breathing that she didn't know how to open herself to that kind of connection anymore. Not that sex now didn't have it's appeal. Jessica had basically been using other people's bodies to masturbate but it was nice, it made it so she could forget, at least for a while. And it is appealing to forget. To just be a body with a body's needs for a little while, instead of a hurt and confused person.
Jessica didn't think she could do that with Trish. Jessica already felt too open, too vulnerable. It would be terrifying if she didn't trust Trish so goddam much. She trusted with her with her life and her heart. She trusted Trish to catch her if she fell. Jessica gazed into the eyes of her best friend, took a deep breath, and jumped.
It had been a little touch and go at first. Jessica was overwhelmed by the smallest of touches, Trish's nearness made her feel trapped and claustrophobic. When it got to be too much, when Jessica's palms started to sweat and her vision started to go purple. Jessica would say stop, Trish would freeze, take a step back and tell Jessica who she was, where they were, who she was with and that Killgrave was dead. She told her over and over until her breathing slowed. It was slow going but Trish never looked annoyed or impatent. Once Jessica had calmed down Trish would give her a glass of water, sit with her and ask if she wanted to continue.
They sent hours like this. Just kissing and touching like they had all the time in the world. They didn't get very far or anything. It would have been too much too fast but Jessica had high hopes for the future, for their future. Just the two of them, two girls that never had anything but still managed to lose everything. They found eachother again in the light of the sunrise.