The dangers of Smoking
Part II
The dangers of smoking are widely known, by smokers and non smokers alike. Detective Sergeant James Hathaway knows them, accepts them and lives with them. Except one. No one thought to warn about that one did they?
Chapter 57
Robbie banged on the door louder, he knew James was in there, he could hear the guitar. A sad and mournful sound.
"James!" he yelled again, stepping to the side as his companion, not the most patient of people, barged past him and banged on the door. It was 24 hours since James had last been seen, leaving the police station.
"James Hathaway!" Jeans Innocents commanding voice rang out in the air "Open this door now! Before I break the damned thing down!"
Well Robbie thought At least the guitar has stopped, that's shocked him.
Jean intercepted Robbie's almost amused look at her words and she shrugged lightly, a smile threatening to form.
"I've broken down my fair share of doors Inspector" she said curtly.
"I don't doubt it Ma'am" Lewis replied.
Jean lifted her fist again, stalled by movement on the other side and watched as the door opened, James stood before them.
"There will be no need to break my door Ma'am" he said passively.
"Don't bloody patronise me" she snapped, pushing past him and taking the half empty whiskey bottle from his hand as she did "And stop with the Ma'am, I just got your letter, Mr Hathaway"
"Ah..."
Robbie revelled in James' discomfort for a moment.
Yes he thought you little sod, you don't like being patronised either do you?!
Both looked around the flat as they entered. A mess was an understatement. Boxes and bags were strewn everywhere.
"So you're leaving then?" Robbie asked.
"I am" James replied "Hence the for sale sign and the boxes"
James felt rather than saw the ill disguised impatience from his once senior officer as Jean slammed the bottle onto the table. She handed Robbie a small tumbler with whiskey in it and took a drink from her own.
"Don't you think you're over reacting?" she demanded.
"No" James snapped back.
"What about Evie...?" Lewis asked "Your career?"
"I don't want a career like this" James looked exhausted all of a sudden, as if the fight went out of him "I can't do it any more"
"Fine" Jean breezed "That's fine, I always expected it. You're too sensitive for police work, the murder kind anyway. But why run away?"
"I'm not running anywhere" James growled, the fight re asserting itself.
"Oh really?" she arched her eyebrows at him.
"Really" he snapped "Now if you've had enough of my whiskey, I have packing to do"
She slammed her glass down again and rounded on him sharply, all three were aware of the tension and the swift indrawn breath from James.
But her tone when it came, was surprisingly gentle "I don't know what demons you are running away from James" she started "And I'm a police officer, not a shrink, so I don't want to know. I want to tell you that Proust has been charged, and he's not getting out any time soon. Gedge is still in prison for breaking his release clause. Evie is safe"
Lewis frowned slightly, surprised at her intsight, she went on.
"As your former boss, I with regret, accept your resignation and offer you any support the police service can offer you, should you need it. As your...friend" even she looked shocked at the revelation and gave a small and embarrassed laugh "Yes, I do have them" she qualified before continuing.
"As your friend, I want you to know that I am here for you, if you need anything, anything. I'm going to miss you James"
She reached out and touched his arm swiftly before walking out of the flat, closing the door behind her.
Robbie looked at James, letting out a huge sigh.
"Blimey, thought old frosty bloomers was gonna cry" he said.
James' lips lifted in a reluctant smile "Frosty bloomers?"
"Well..." Robbie shrugged.
James sat down and looked up at his former governor, his friend.
"You sure about all this?" Lewis asked softly.
James nodded his reply.
"Have you spoken to Evie?"
"She told me to leave"
"I don't think she meant Oxford" Lewis answered softly.
James shrugged, an action of defeat.
"Talk to her" Robbie urged "She knows all the facts now, I told her. James you kept her in the dark..."
"No" James shook his head "No"
"Hathaway man!" exasperation showed in Robbie's tone "Look at what you're throwing away! You asked her to marry you!"
"A mistake" James snarled, but Robbie knew, he knew the anger wasn't directed at him. It was aimed internally.
"James?" he tried again.
"She deserves so much better than me" he replied, his face alight with passion, anger, loathing "She deserves the best. And the best thing I can do right now is get out of her life, for good"
"I don't think she'd agree" Robbie sighed "She loves you"
"She loves the person she thought I was" James snarled.
"Oh lad" Lewis stood and laid a hand on his shoulder, James didn't move, didn't rebuff him. Robbie could feel the tension.
"Where are you going?" he asked after a moment.
"The boat" James replied, Robbie removed his hand and James stood, pacing, smoking.
"I've given the estate agent a key, to sell this place" he explained "I'm leaving tomorrow"
Lewis surprisingly didn't argue, or protest. He picked up the whiskey bottle and poured himself a full glass, handing James the bottle.
"Well" he said, settling back into his chair and taking a sip "Let's get pissed then"
James' face registered shock initially, but then he raised the bottle to his lips, pausing to speak before he took a drink.
"Thank you, Sir" he said quietly "For everything"
"Give ovver lad" Lewis waved his hand "And not Sir, no more bloody sir!"
"Indulge me" James replied with a half smile.
"Don't I always?" Robbie grumbled, but he smiled back.
A sad smile. A smile of farewell.
…...
James stopped short on the tow path, taking a breath of surprise. His hangover from the night before with Robbie pounding at his skull.
"Evie..." he said "You should be resting"
"I am" she returned.
"At home" he countered.
"And how can I do that?" she replied softly "When I find out from someone else that you're leaving and not even going to say goodbye?!"
"I...I..." he stammered before collecting his thoughts "I'm sorry"
"Yes" she sighed "You're sorry. For everything but the thing you should be"
He frowned, boarding the boat and putting down the last few possessions he intended to take with him.
"James, I know you think you did this terrible thing" she stood and walked over to him, but he couldn't meet her eyes "That you let me down, but you didn't"
"Of course I did!" he retorted, his eyes alive with anger, self loathing "You could have died!"
"But I didn't" she countered, her own voice rising in frustration "Because of you!"
"Too little" he ground out "Far too late. You said it, in the hospital, I left you there! Too wrapped up in my own feelings to realise..."
"You're clever James" she snapped "But even you're not that clever! Tell me how the hell you could have known hmm?" But she didn't give him chance to answer "And as for what I said in the hospital, I was still drugged out of my mind and I had no memory of what had happened! You made it sound like you knew all along and just left me to my fate!"
"I did!"
"No you didn't!" she exploded back.
"It doesn't alter the facts" James said stubbornly.
"Oh for God's sake James!" Evie shouted.
"What?!" he yelled back "God?! What's he got to do with it! It's finished, done!"
The colour drained out of her face, right up until that moment she'd convinced herself that she could talk him round, make him see...but now, the revelation, the harsh words.
"What is?" her lips trembled.
"All of it!" he snapped back "Me! I'm done!"
Fear etched itself on her face "What do you mean?"
"Oh don't worry" he said, his face a mask of hatred and loathing "I'm not going to throw myself off a cliff. I don't have my mothers courage"
"James!" she was shocked truly and utterly shocked by his words.
"What?" he asked again "I can't do this, pretend I'm someone I'm not, be in love, get married, be normal. I'm too fucking damaged!"
"Pretend?" she echoed.
"Yes" he stood straight, looking her straight in the eye "Pretend. I thought I loved you, that we had a future, but...but..." he dropped his eyes, he couldn't look at her. He couldn't do it he realised, he couldn't tell her he didn't love her, not even to make her let go and move on without him.
"Oh I see!" Evie raged quietly.
"No" he answered, still avoiding her face "You don't"
She stepped towards him pushing his chest angrily.
"Yes!" she fumed "Your Catholic guilt! I see it and you think by telling me you don't love me I'll run home with my tail between my legs. Well I've got news for you James Hathaway, I don't fucking believe you, you're crying"
"Don't" he thundered as she moved closer.
"Fine" Evie threw her hands in the air and they stood, both breathing heavily with oppressed emotions.
"Don't do this" Evie begged quietly.
"I have to" he replied, just as subdued "I don't deserve your forgiveness..."
"I can't listen to this" she cut in "Save it because I'm not interested. Maybe you don't love me after all, if you can just walk away when I need you the most"
His head snapped up and through her anger he saw a glint of triumph, it scared him that she knew him so well, and knew what to say to get a reaction.
"That's low" he breathed.
"Yes" she agreed "It is"
He ran a hand over his face "I'm sorry..."
"Yeah I know" she replied off hand. He'd seen her angry before, with him, but she had a cold aura about her, closed off, her face now impassive. It hurt.
"Evie..."
"No James" she said, she was in full control of her tone, staring him down and he silenced as she continued "Go, if that's what you need, then go. I'll survive because I always do. But know this, I can forgive you anything, anything. But I can't forgive this James, you walk away now, be sure it's what you want"
He nodded slowly.
"You stubborn bastard" she hissed, giving him one final look of disgust she stepped from the boat, and from his life.
James watched her go, he didn't move, nor speak, nor feel.
So this is what heartbreak is all about he thought.
…...
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