The dangers of Smoking

Part II

The dangers of smoking are widely known, by smokers and non smokers alike. Detective Sergeant James Hathaway knows them, accepts them and lives with them. Except one. No one thought to warn about that one did they?

Chapter 58

Evie ran, she ran away from James, away from the boat and away from the pain. Only it followed her. She couldn't run far before her breath was short and her head started to spin anyway. The drugs she'd had and their after effects making themselves known, not to mention a 20 a day smokers lungs.

Slowing to a walk and finally sitting on a bench, her eyes fixed on the bridge above her. Something tugged at her subconscious and she suddenly realised where she was.

Her memories travelled back to a day, not so long ago with James, right here. Blissful, warm, happy. She craned her neck, seeing the ice cream shop and noticed for the first time the people around. Couples, families, she appeared to be the only single.

Guilt welled up inside her, she had said some awful things. Awful things to someone who was already broken and hurting. Someone, that in his own way was trying to protect her. He'd tried telling her he didn't love her, that he didn't want her, but she suspected that deep down, he'd known it wouldn't work. But still he'd insisted.

She sat for a few minutes more, and the more she sat, the more she realised that maybe the words her mother had always uttered to her and her sister as heartbroken teenagers were true.

You love someone, you let them go. If they love you, they'll always come back.

Maybe she had a point. Evie realised then, as she did now, that the words were offered as a comfort from parent to child when they felt their world crumbling after young and immature relationships had run their inevitable course. But maybe their base was in truth? She didn't know.

One thing she did know was that she couldn't let James leave like this, she couldn't add to his guilt, give him another stick to beat himself with. She was no longer angry. Hurt and heart broken, but not angry with him. She remembered his words.

"I don't deserve your forgiveness..."

"Well, James bloody Hathaway" she muttered to herself as she approached the hut "We'll see about that"

…...

"Evie?" James frowned as she stepped back onto the deck, a little tricky with two tubs of ice cream in her hands.

She wordlessly handed him one "Chocolate...and chilli" she said, disgust evident, but a ghost of a smile lingered.

"Thank you" he said, more through surprise than anything else.

She put her own tub down and faced him, she didn't really want the ice cream, it was more of a gesture, a reminder. But she wasn't here to try again, to persuade him to stay.

She gained eye contact and swallowed, preparing to say the thing she knew would release him from any further guilt, and break her heart.

"I love you and I need you, more now than ever" she said bravely "But if you need to go away, to be on your own and forget all this, then...then I forgive you for that too. Because that is going to hurt James, I won't pretend it doesn't, but if that's what you need, then I understand. And I accept and respect your decision"

Evie stepped back, reaching for the chair. She was suddenly exhausted, not sure if it were the emotions she was experiencing or the effects of her ordeal. It didn't really matter.

James didn't answer, he stared at the water, the stillness of it belying the depth and activity below the surface. The metaphor wasn't lost on him.

"Why..." he said gently "Why would you say that?"

"Because it's true" she replied in barely more than a whisper, and suddenly he knew it was "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I lost my temper, and I'm sorry I shouted at you. I didn't mean what I said, I'm hurt, and was angry but... But if I know...if I know you're happy or at least happier than you would be here, then I can deal with it"

James thought about her statement, about his conversation with Robbie, about the reality of what was happening. The fact that she was willing to let go, to put him first and what he needed regardless of her own pain.

"I won't be" he said, and he knelt in front of her his hands covered hers and he felt they were cold, and shaking "I won't be happy knowing that I've left...left the only person that loves me for who I am"

"That's not true" Evie smiled at him, despite it all "Your mum loved you, and so does Robbie, for no other reason than you're you"

He laid his head in her lap, releasing a deep breath and immediately her hands stroked his hair and he accepted the comfort for a moment.

"I'm sorry" he whispered "I can't...I can't stay here. I'm lost Evie, even with you I'm so lost"

"I know" she replied "It's OK, it'll be OK"

He sat back on his haunches after a few moments and wiped the rest of her tears away before giving her a sad smile.

"I love you" he said "And I always will, please know that's true"

"I do" she replied sadly "I love you too, and thank you James, for the past 6 months, because I never thought I could be happy like that"

"Me too" he answered sadly "I wish it were different"

She smiled, and reached forward, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek.

"Good bye James" she said, standing and leaving him there on the boat.

…...

James stood at the bow of his boat, it was almost autumn again, the dying season his mother had called it. He stared into the distance, wondering if he looked hard enough, would he see what he needed to?

No, he knew he wouldn't. He withdrew his last cigarette and looked at the packet, seeing the grizzly warning that all packets held. He was familiar with them all.

Smoking causes a slow and painful death. Not as painful as some things.

Smoking can cause impotence. Not a problem, thank you.

Smoking kills. So do people.

Smoking ages the skin. Life ages everything.

They missed one, he thought to himself, his analytical mind imagined the packet with the warning that surely, would only apply to him.

Smoking can lead to falling in love. Resulting in a pain beyond measure.

He crushed the empty packet and placed it in the ashtray, lighting the cigarette. The brief thought of giving up crossed his mind, as it sometimes did at the end of a packet, but he dismissed it as he usually did.

He knew what he had to do, no matter how it might hurt him. Hurt he thought understatement. Evie had forgiven him, he knew that. He knew her well enough to know that she wouldn't hold him responsible. But, he held himself responsible, and he couldn't forgive himself, and wouldn't allow her to forgive him either. She'd given him everything, without asking anything in return. And he'd thrown it all away, he'd allowed someone to hurt her again. She deserved so much better.

He turned and started the engine, steering the boat away from everything in Oxford. From a childhood of never matching up to his fathers ideals, no matter how intelligent he was. Of confusing teenage years when he questioned everything and found it all wanting, most of all himself. Away from the pain of losing the mother he adored. Away from his mistakes and their tragic consequences, away from the police and all it stood for to him.

He knew there were two things he'd miss. The friendship and guidance of his true friend Robert Lewis, and Evie. Every part of her and their short life together.