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Music:
Demons – Imagine Dragons
Innuendo – Queen
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Chapter 17: Edward – Secrets
My family often says it's hard to be around a mind-reader. To keep things to themselves. But they rely on my gift too, to communicate. And let me tell you, from my side it isn't always easy either you know. There are some things you really don't want to know. Like family members having sex, eww. Luckily I can block them out. It isn't simple, I know their voices so well, tuning into them is second nature.
I've been trying though, to not peek to much. If they're deliberately thinking about something else I know it's my cue to back off. Having my own little family to focus on is a good thing. Nessie doesn't hide things yet. And Bella, well, let's just say she practises every day with her shield. On how to keep it down longer. I love it! I love her, so much.
Us Cullens have few secrets among each other and they keep changing. Some things are out in the open now, but not everyone knows that. There are new secrets too, that are being kept, even I'm not sure what they're about. I want to know though, I'm dying to find out more. It could be bad. Their keepers are on guard though, especially when they know they're in my range. Five miles is my limit and that's if I concentrate very hard. Is it wrong for me to pry? Alice does it too. Her visions however, don't show what someone is thinking, only their actions based on it.
And boy did she warn me not to do what I wanted most from the moment she arrived; spy on May while she was meditating. So badly I wanted to know what that was like. But Alice said that, when she found out I'd been snooping… and she would, all hell would break loose. This was sacred to her. She'd yell and scream at me. And then, she would touch me. Maybe by hitting me, maybe by grabbing me. It meant, without meaning to, she'd learn everything about my gift and she'd also get some secrets from me.
Avoiding that as long as possible had been my mission. Yes, I'm being a hypocrite, perhaps, but I don't care. Things I did, the details of my dark side, they're mine! Also, there are the things any teenager does, that no one imagines me doing. Before Bella came into my life at least. You know, I got 'exited' too, especially in school, being bombarded with certain thoughts. Especially in the beginning. Now the years have turned into decades, I'm pretty much immune.
Wow, I think I'm meditating, sort of. Where am I? I blink, oh yeah, I'm in my own tree, far north in the Olympic forest. I found it while hunting by myself. Bella and Nessie are visiting Charlie. Ah, I'll keep going, I have time. Breathe in and out. My surroundings blur again.
There are some things about each of my family members, I'm quite sure only I know about. Even between couples. It's a short list, now forming in my head, starting from the oldest to the youngest to join. I can keep them. I won't release them unless absolutely necessary.
Carlisle, our leader, father, the doctor. He's always calm and collected. Rather talks about problems, instead of fighting. He's very tolerant and no one has pushed him to his limits yet. But Aro came close that last day of 2006. Because no one hurts his family and gets away with it! It wasn't easy for him to restrain himself when Irina was executed. No one else noticed though. I'm not sure what he would be capable of, if he went over the edge.
Another thing also, maybe less surprising, but he loathes Aro and Caius. He left them back then, because he couldn't stand their games anymore. Over time these feelings have only gotten stronger. They like torturing people to much, using Jane. But he doesn't let it show, he's good at that. Always a straight face, always polite. I'm not sure how he does it.
Esme, our mother, strong next to her husband. She has a lot of love to give. Taking care of everybody is her passion, offering a warm home. She's never really angry, only reprimanding as a parent. In her though, hides a momma bear, fiercely protective. A few years after her change that side of her came out. She was out on her own, shopping for some clothes, as she came across her former husband. He had a new wife now and she was pregnant. Instantly she recognised the signs of abuse.
Following them to their home, she overheard a vicious argument. Charles Evanson left the house to go to a bar. She pulled him into a dark alley and gave him a taste of his own medicine. He was barely alive when she left, if he survived was unclear. She was proud that she resisted to feed from him. After a hunt in the woods and a change of clothes she came back to us. Never said a word about it. Carlisle never found out as we were just travelling trough town. I would for ever respect her.
Rosalie, fierce and proud. Sometimes vain and arrogant. She so longs to be human again, to have a baby, still. Renesmee eases her pain a lot, but it's always there beneath the surface. Before she met Emmet she could get so jealous of a mother with her child. It crossed her mind a few times, to create an immortal child. Such a great taboo. And the danger such an act would bring. Of course she would never go through with it. She would never condemn someone else to a life she hated so much. Especially a sweet, innocent child.
Also, deep down, she likes Jake. Not that she'd ever admit it, no way! The imprint bothers her though, and me too. I'm monitoring our alpha closely.
Emmet, our goofy, big brother bear. Well, he has no secrets really. Nothing shocking at least. His pride has been hurt a little though, a girl defeating him in a fight or game. Or two girls that is. But Bella couldn't beat him nowadays, now that she wasn't a newborn anymore. May could however, and he didn't like that really. She tried to accommodate him by covering up as much as possible. It helped sometimes, but not always. Just a little tear or small slip of the fingers was enough for her. He loved her a lot though. Especially her being a bit of a tomboy.
Alice, sparkling and energetic. Our stylist and fashion-freak. Our pixie seer. Even she doesn't know what her own secrets are. She doesn't remember her human life. The time after her change, well, nothing about that is really hidden anymore. She had some adjusting to do this past year. People were resisting her antics better. May started that. So she began to listen to our family's wishes more. Gave in a little. Very entertaining to watch.
Jasper, stoic empath, fighting expert. Army man. He stayed with us because of Alice. And because we were easy to be around. We were calm and relaxed, often happy. He would like to travel more and isn't to keen on repeating high school again. He indulges Alice a lot. But, ever since we moved to Forks he has been bonding with us more. Bella helped with that, something you wouldn't expect. Now she's a vampire and we have Nessie, happy feelings have been through the roof. His look on life has changed.
His control has increased tenfold. Because of May. Learning to meditate has been huge for him. Yeah, I earned a smack to the back of the head for that. I thought I could spy on him now, May being out the question. But no, Alice made sure of that. I was so focused on Jazz, I didn't hear her coming. Also, she kept her thoughts blank. Argh! Another thing our family learned from 'wolf-girl'.
Bella, my beautiful wife, mother of our child. Oh how I love to think about that. Strong arc angel. Well, I don't mind her having secrets, because she's slowly sharing them with me. Making fantasies come true. She's not afraid to try new things. She was made for this life. Everything is better because of her. I love being surprised by her. Especially when we're alone at night. She's good with everybody, connects us as much as possible. Wants us all to be a family, vampires, wolves and humans. The more the merrier. An ambassador for our kind. Accepting the imprint between her best friend and our daughter. I think she's a saint.
Then there is Timmain, a fascinating soul. I agree with Alice, it's like she's build with a piece of all of us. The good bits are always on display. That's lovely and she can't help herself, radiating happiness. The bad parts of her life however are locked away in the back of her mind. Her mental control is high, almost at Carlisle's level. She's passionate about life and wants to live it to the fullest. These days she tries even harder, the fight shocked her in more ways than one. And that bothers me, she's hiding something about it, together with Jasper and Emmet. Sam's pack knows even more I think. But they don't think about whatever it is, forming a pact between them. Ugh, it's so annoying!
May has one secret however, I do know about. A wish that'll never be granted. She wants to be something else so badly. Not now, just yet, but in the future… Ah, it's no good to think about it, vampires can't change. Only a fantasy. No one even suspects what it is, because it's unreal. Why would someone want to be a ***? But that's May for ya. - Hmm, did I just censure myself?
Oh, I also know her real name of course. And yes, I guess 'Gwen' is plain, ordinary.
This past year my gift has become a source of entertainment. To her in particular. She was just curious at first, fantasising a bit and wondered if I was watching. We could see each other as she imagined me in a funny situation an waited for me to react. I did, it was just so ridiculous, how did she come up with that?! Me, in a girls elf-costume with lots of make-up, a wig and those slippers with curled toes and bells at the end.
Luckily no one else learned about this, they'd torture me with it a lot. May was nice enough though, to show me the others too, in something embarrassing. Rose as Frankenstein was definitely hilarious! It was hard to stifle my laugh. Luckily no one else was close enough to question my sanity. She tested me too, with different languages.
To see if I understood Aboriginal, Mandarin, Russian or Dutch. Yeah, that last one I wasn't expecting. I understood the basics, but it isn't an easy language. And not one I use very often. She learned from a group of friends from Holland. Her memories of them popped up in her head one day, as she was watching the news. On Dutch television they aired 'The donor show', to get people to register themselves as organ donors. It was quite controversial, thus bringing attention to the subject.
I don't know Aboriginal by the way. Never been to Australia. So she thought about things in either that language or in Dutch to see if I was looking in. Only thinking of the actual words, she pushed herself also, because it's hard not to think in pictures, images. Later she switched it around and her fantasies were flipping through her mind fast. Like someone speed-reading a book. Gave me a headache if I watched to long.
Ahhh, I hated it, when she decided to test me some more. After several random colours she suddenly filled her mind with a big fist and gave me a mental punch in the face. Damn, I wasn't prepared for that! She was with Rose when she did it, of course. Fresh air and solitude cleared my head. Chess was no fun with her, like I was playing against Bella, who defeated me often.
A secret that was out; imprinting. May knew about it now too. Why Jake and the others never discussed it with her, I don't know. It never came up? Huh?! Zack was the one to spill the beans. A week after his birthday party he was sulking on a log near Sam's house. This was before Rose and the 'werewolf stink-bomb' incident, so contrary what she thought, May did know about imprinting. I replayed the scene in my head. May was thinking about it while sitting in the yard, staring into space.
The other six youngsters were playing football. Once in a while they tried to get Zack to join them, but he wouldn't. Sam and Emily were out for a pregnancy check up. May was in the house and just finished preparing a meal for them all. As she came out to tell them food was ready, she noticed Zack was still alone and went over to him and sat down beside the boy.
"What's wrong Zack?" she asked. "Why are you moping around by yourself, it's a nice day." He said nothing and looked at her with sad eyes. She studied his face for a few seconds. Thinking of several scenarios that could explain his mood. Matt broke the silence; "He's just sweet on a girl named Wendy, and doesn't know what to do about it." He hummed the tune of the little song '…sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g'. Zack scowled at him and Lucas hit the back of his head. May turned back to the sighing boy. "Well, she said, tell me about this girl, where did you meet her? "And what are you afraid of? "That she won't like you back?"
He shook his head. "She was at my birthday party and looked real nice." He blushed a little. "She's a friend of a classmate and goes to school in Forks." She's got grey-blue eyes that sparkle and long blond hair that looks really soft." May found him endearing. His final sentence left her puzzled however. "But it's no use to ask her out or something, she's not my imprint." She furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?" she asked, "spirit wolves have imprinting too?" It was so confusing to her, what did a family bonding thing have to do with this girl? "I don't understand, she continued, she's not family, so what does imprinting have to do with this?" Now he was confused and the others were also staring at her.
"You don't know what imprinting means, do you?" he concluded. "I know what it means to real wolves, May replied, the pack bonds to the pups to keep them safe." But I guess that's not the case here." Zack looked at her intently. "No, he said, hasn't Jake or any of the others ever explained it to you?" She shook her head, but thought about her first conversation with Leah and things clicked somewhat. "Well, Zack went on, with us it's the thing that happens when we find our soulmate." The one that was meant for us." We look into her eyes and instantly know, from then on everything is about her." At least with the others, most of the older wolves have imprinted." May was stunned and tried to comprehend what it meant. Most of them?
It took her a moment to process this. "Okay, she said slowly, that's interesting, it can happen at any time?" Zack nodded; "That's why Sam probably won't let us near the baby when it's a girl, he wouldn't want to share her yet." May blinked and her eyes narrowed. "You mean it can happen with an infant, a child?" She wasn't sure what to make of that. What kind of bond would they form? Zack saw the obvious questions coming. "Yes, he answered, but of course it isn't romantic then, we'll be like her brother, a protector, whatever she needs." His look turned sour, he really didn't want that to be him someday. May went over every memory of the older wolves she had. Things were starting to make sense. And it shocked her a bit at some points.
Because it was clear now how Emily had gotten her scars. She knew now why it had been such a big deal for Sam when they were healed. There was no anger with this realisation, it was in the past, no one was upset anymore, so she let it go quickly.
It also explained why all of their relationships were so strong, they were all so happy and content. She always wondered about Paul and Rachel, how they got together, they were so different. Jake complaining about 'hothead' becoming his brother in law was now very understandable.
Thinking about our alpha was the last piece, it dawned that child imprints were already real. Nessie and Claire. She examined their interactions more closely in her head. Yes, Zack was telling the truth, they acted like big brothers. But what about when they became teenagers? Was it a sure thing they'd become lovers, a couple? What if the girls wanted a choice? Or were they also only ever going to be attracted to the boys?
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These questions are bothering me too, still. What if Nessie chose someone else later on? Rejected the imprint. Would that hurt Jake? If so, what would I do? Maybe nothing. But Bella would do something, she couldn't stand to see him hurt anymore. I'd have to care. Ah, if only Alice could see their future.
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May's thought process was very quick, as with every vampire, it only took a minute. She was ready for more information. Zack had patiently waited for her reaction. "I was thinking, May said, and I know now about Jake and Nessie, Quil and Claire." He cringed a little, expecting some outrage or other. His face in her memory said it all, he was doubting if he should have told her. She was just so easy to talk to, everybody thought so, he just didn't think about it. Of course she saw his expression and decided to give him reassuring smile.
He relaxed immediately, the others gave a sigh of relief. "I want to know more, she added, what happens when the girls become like, sixteen, do they have to become a couple?" They have no choice?" Zack became real serious. "I don't know, he replied, it's believed this doesn't happen often." Our history books only mention one case and there's nothing about a vampire hybrid of course." He paused. "You'd have to ask them, I may have overstepped my boundaries here." His eyes went down to the log.
May had one final question, she desperately wanted to meditate. "Imprinting, she asked, it's going to happen to all of you?" You can't have a normal relationship?" Zack shrugged before answering. "They said that was rare too, but it already happened five times." It's better to be prepared and to not get to attached."
May's jaw dropped a little, her mind a whirlwind of emotions. How was one supposed to react to that? She felt sorry for them, but then again, the ones with imprints seemed fine, right? She wondered, could she ask, if imprinting ever caused trouble? She decided against it, it should come from the ones who knew for sure. She put a hand on Zack's shoulder, he looked up. "I'm sorry it's gotta be like that," she said. "Maybe some more research is in order." Let's leave it for now, there's food on the table."
They all perked up and went into the house. All throughout the meal it was silent. Oliver helped with the clean-up. After that Sam and Emily came home. The boys left the house. May had done some thinking and didn't want to stir up old hurt, if there was any. She did tell Sam she knew all about imprinting now. And that she was okay with it. He was a little disturbed about this at first, but she reassured him again and pleaded with him to go easy on Zack. With a sigh and a nod he gave in.
In the end, May didn't really meditate, or at least not in solitude. Also, she didn't talk about it with anyone afterwards. She wasn't sure if Nessie and Claire knew what imprinting was, what if the first overheard a conversation? Silently she supported the boys when needed and she observed our guys more for a while. Nothing out the ordinary happened, so she thought about imprinting less and less. I wasn't going to pry, unless she got stressed out about it. That pleased her a lot, because she knew I knew about that day.
Ah, enough meditating or thinking done. Time to go home to my family. I jumped down and made my way back. At the house I freshened up and picked up Nessie's thoughts as she came up the driveway with Bella. They'd had a good time. Charlie bought lots chocolate stuff to spoil his granddaughter with. I smiled at her memory of Bella wiping her face clean. Suddenly my wife lowered her shield and asked me what Carlisle would think about a stomach full of chocolate. Was that healthy?
I was so wrapped up now, I paid no attention to anything around me. I didn't notice May coming up behind me, trying to get my attention. At the last moment, before she touched my shoulder, I finally realised she was in the room. I turned and her hand landed on my chest, on my collarbone. I wore a sweater with V-neck, so she touched my skin.